All language subtitles for All in the Family - S01E03 - Oh, My Aching Back

From television
city in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Care for an olive? Uh-huh.

Mmm. Beats eating
'em out of jars.

I used to have an uncle who'd put
an olive on every finger of his hand.

Know what they used
to call him? Uh-uh.

Vincent.

Why'd they call him
Vincent? That was his name.

Then why'd you tell
me the thing about the...

Michael!

What do you think they're
gonna call him? Olive fingers?

I'm starving. What time's
himself comin' home?

I'm not sure.

You know he moonlights with
Mr. Munson's taxicab on Saturdays.

Hey, mom, when's
daddy coming home?

Well, in his own words,
when he's g-d ready.

Myself, something
tells me any second now.

Isn't that sweet, Michael?
She feels it in her heart.

No, I hear it at the door.

- Hiya, daddy.
- Hi, arch.

What's the matter
with you? Nothin'.

No hello? Even they said hello.

They said "hi." But
you said nothin'.

I was gonna say good evening.
Oh, skip it, will ya. Skip it.

I've learned to expect nothin'
but aggravation from you anyhow.

Um, it's almost 7:00,
daddy. You're late.

He's always late, except
after coffee in the morning.

Six minutes later, to
the second, watch out.

And god forbid
I'm in there shaving.

The workin's of nature won't wait for no
deadbeat who takes all morning to shave.

Remember that.

I'm not knockin' it. I
think you're a marvel.

I can even set my watch by how long
it takes you to belch after a bicarb.

Twenty-two seconds, exactly.

Well, listen, wise guy,

you should have
such a constitution.

They'd have counted you out already if
you'd been in the accident I was just in.

Archie, an accident?
Daddy, are you all right?

No, no, no, they couldn't
hurt me. What happened?

Well, there was this pushy
dame. You know the kind... a yenta.

Plows into the back of my cab.

And I mean plowed. Wham!

Them people are always
in a hurry, trying to

get to a sale or somethin'
to save four cents.

What a tribe.

What do you mean, "what
a tribe"? Forget it, Michael.

Come on, mom. I'll
help you with dinner.

I'm glad you weren't hurt.
What do you mean, "what a tribe"?

Forget it. It's "irrevelant."

Irrelevant. Whatever.

It ain't German to
the conversation.

Germane. Aw, listen, Emily post.

If you correct me one
more time... okay, okay.

But you didn't mean to
call me Emily post. Oh, jeez.

She's an expert on table manners,
wedding invitations, things like that.

It's the wrong image, arch.

What you meant to
call me was, say, Mr. Funk

or Mr. Wagnall, the
dictionary people.

'Cause I was correcting you on
words. You see the difference there?

You are defective.

There's no doubt about it.

You got a fuse
blown in your head...

Somewhere between the
brain and the nervous system.

There ain't a store in the country
that wouldn't take you back.

Why don't you clean
your fingernails?

Maybe things
wouldn't grow there.

Hey, Edith, where's supper, huh?

All set, Archie.

I was just givin' you a
chance to work up an appetite.

He always eats
better when he's upset.

Well, I eat better
when he's not upset.

So, just this once, could we have a
meal without an argument? Michael?

You want it? You got it, baby.

Oh, we're gonna have
a floor show, huh?

Come on, daddy.

No arguments,
okay? Who's arguing?

I don't think that's an answer.

Oh, this dingbat's gonna start
argument number one over here.

Daddy, mom, could you settle
down? Now, let's just eat.

Mom, anything interesting
happen to you today?

Actually, something
interesting did happen today.

Oh, no, that was yesterday.

Well, I can't eat no more of
this. What's the matter, daddy?

It's the meat. It's
not done enough.

You knew that all the time? I
made it medium just this once.

I don't like it
medium. I like it well.

Well well.

Peg bracken says
it spoils the flavor.

Peg bracken? Ain't that the
dame who don't even like to cook?

Yeah, but she's an expert.

And she says well
spoils the flavor.

It seals it in,
that's what it does.

Any gourmet will tell you,
the only way to eat meat is rare.

Oh, now we hear from
the Polish corner.

Poland, the land that gave us
such rare and delicate dishes as...

Uh, Polish sausage is very good.

You oughta know.
You married one.

I'm sick and tired
of your Polish jokes.

You see, mom? It's winding
up in an argument after all.

No, it ain't, 'cause I'm gonna take
my dessert over here in my chair.

What do we got, rice puddin'?

Give me some with a
pinch of milk on top.

"Give me some with a
pinch of milk on top."

I've been making rice
pudding for 22 years,

sometimes two and
three times a week,

and he always
says the same thing.

"Give it to me with a
little pinch of milk on top."

Except last week, remember?
Mike and Gloria went out to dinner.

You made rice puddin',
and what happened?

You didn't make your usual
speech about the milk on top.

I remember.

- And how did you serve it?
- Without the milk on top.

Dingbat.

But he didn't ask for it.

Hey, Archie, you never finished
the story about the accident.

Well, the story is,
very simply, that...

A certain Mrs.
Rhoda greenspan...

Plowed into the back of my cab.

They're all the
same, them people.

Here. Here's your rice pudding.

I put a pinch of milk on top.

Gee, that's a good idea.

Bring me some
bicarbonate of soda, will ya.

My insides is on fire.

What do you mean, "they're all
the same, them people?" What people?

The chosen people. What do I
gotta do, draw you a picture?

She plows into
the back of my cab,

then she opens up her yap as
though it was me that hit her.

They coulda heard her
all the way to Tel Aviv.

Here's your bicarb. Oh, yeah.

Well, what's done
is done. One, two,

I told munson I'd get him an estimate
on his cab... three, four, five, six,

tomorrow, maybe the
next day. Seven, eight,

probably cost an
arm and a leg. Nine, ten,

them thieves at
the body shop. 11, 12,

you pay $6.00 an hour
for labor. 13, 14, 15, 16,

most of the time they're at the
soft drink machine or the can.

17, 18, 19, 20, 21...
What are you doin'?

Twenty-two seconds, exactly.

All right, wise guy,
so I'm dependable.

What else you tryin'
to prove? Nothin'.

We were discussing one of your
favorite hang-ups... your anti-Jewish bias.

What anti-Jewish bias?

Oh, no, daddy. Not that again.

Remember, even Jesus was a Jew.

Yeah, but only on
his mother's side.

Hiya, Lionel. How
you doin', everybody?

Hiya, Lionel. You want
some rice puddin'?

No, thanks. I've already eaten.

Say, I was just over
to Mr. Munson's.

I understand you used his cab
today and put a small dent in it.

I put? Small dent?

I thought you said she
plowed right into you... wham!

I just came from there. It's right
out front. It's just a little dent.

A little dent? And you were
making a federal case out of it.

Listen, she hit me hard.

Good thing I wasn't drivin'
one of them foreign jobs.

I'd be pushin' up
the daisies now.

What were you doin' at munson's?

Come to think of it,
what are you doin' here?

Posin' as a
body-and-Fender expert?

I was just makin' my rounds,
pickin' up the cleaning.

- What cleanin'?
- Didn't we tell ya?

Lionel's folks have opened up a
cleaning store on northern boulevard.

I thought we'd give
'em all our business.

You mean, your old man ain't the
janitor at the Hempstead apts. No more?

That's right.

Where'd he get the money to open
up a cleanin' store? From the accident.

- When was that?
- When mom and dad got
rear-ended by the bus.

After they paid for the
lawyer, they had $3,200 left over.

So they bought this franchise. And
they're doin' real well too, Mr. Bunker.

You know, last week
they grossed over $1,000.

And that's 200 better
than the week before.

And next week they
should do 1,500, easy.

All right, Lionel, all
right. You don't have

to give me their "dun
and broadstreets."

Here you are, Lionel. Have
everything cleaned and pressed, okay?

Okay. Thanks, folks. I'll
have it back by Tuesday.

See ya, Lionel. Bye, Lionel.

Oh, my, wasn't that a lucky
break for Lionel's folks?

I think it's just wonderful. It's like
a whole new life opened up for 'em.

$3,200. My!

His father says they're doin' so
well, they may open another store.

- And have two stores?
- Oh, my goodness!

They could open up a
whole chain of stores.

Oww! Jeez!

What's the matter?
What happened? Archie.

What a pain in the back!

Stay away from me.
Don't touch me, nobody.

Just let me see if I can
walk all alone. Look out.

Ooh, Edith! Ohh! Oh, Archie!

Do you think it's from the
accident? Maybe you got a whiplash.

Nah. Not from a little dent.

Shut up, meathead.

Edith, help me to
the chair, will ya.

You, keep away from me.

Oh. Oh, gee, Edith.

Oh!

Uh, wh-what was that you
said about, uh... whiplash?

What are you doin', Edith?

The reader's digest says you
should put a pillow under your legs...

If you hurt your back.

- Don't believe what you read
in them articles.
- It wasn't in an article.

It was at the bottom of a page.

You know, where the article was
finished and they still had some space.

I don't wanna hear
about the articles!

I don't read the articles.
Just the bottom of the pages.

Do they tell you, at the bottom of
the pages, how to Bury your husband?

Oh, Archie, don't
talk like that.

How could you be dying?
You ain't seen a doctor yet.

Yeah, what about
a doctor, daddy?

We'll see a lawyer first. He'll
tell us what doctor to go to.

They got specialists
for all these things.

What about Fred kowalcyzk,
my brother-in-law? He's a lawyer.

Kowalcyzk. No, that
don't sound good.

We could call Helen
gurney's brother Peter.

He handles accidents.
Peter gurney? No, no, no.

Listen, get me the yellow pages.

Why not somebody you
know? Why a stranger?

Because sometimes
strangers is best.

They don't get too close
to you. You know what I mean.

No. Will you get me
the yellow pages!

Do you know what
he means, ma? No.

Cut that out, Edith!

Let's see here.

There's, like, ten
pages of lawyers here.

Where should I start,
at the beginning?

No, start at the middle
and read out sideways.

Certainly, start
at the beginning.

There's 10,000 names here.
I'll skip around. It'll be faster.

All right, let's see.

Uh, "w.B. Adams. Adams and
brenner. Burton and fitzallen.

Cohen and Ginsberg..."

Cohen and Ginsberg. What?

Cohen... just go on
readin'. Go on, go on.

Okay, uh, "Evans and
monahan. Franklin and Powell.

Lochman, shapiro and stone..."

Lochman, shapiro and stone.

- What?
- I'm just thinkin'. Will you read on!

All right. "Harris and whipple.

"Johnson and Smith.
McDonald and Shelby.

Rabinowitz, rabinowitz
and rabinowitz..."

Rabinowitz, rabinowitz...

What was the third name?

Rabinowitz.

Yeah. How do they sound to you?

Jewish.

Very Jewish.

What has their religion got to do
with it? That's what we wanna know.

Listen, Mr. Big liberal, you
brought up their religion, not me.

If they're good lawyers, for
all I care they could be chinks.

Do you believe him?

He actually thinks because they're
Jewish they're smarter, shrewder.

Well? You actually
believe that junk?

Listen to this guy, Edith.

I agree with him that they're
smarter and shrewder,

he's makin' out like I
don't like the hebes.

Now, daddy, you stop twisting
things around like that.

You don't trust anybody that's
different from you, until you need him.

Well, I do need him!

Oh, jeez! Mom,
he's so prejudiced.

What are we gonna do?

Get him a rabinowitz.

Archie, I brought
you some juice.

It'll help wash down the pills.

Are you all right? Can I
get you anything more?

No, Edith, just pick up some
of the papers around here.

And ask your son-in-law
to sit up like a human being.

And, Gloria, you get up and straighten
out some of the pictures on the walls.

He'll be here any minute. You want
people to think you live in a pig's eye?

You didn't make this
much fuss last year...

When your own
mother came to visit.

His own mother
wasn't a Jewish lawyer.

I don't think she even
went to high school.

All right, Edith.

Did she, Archie? Did your
mother go to high school?

Will you shut up and
straighten out around here!

There he is. I'll go.

Wait a minute. Don't be in such a
hurry. Let me tell you somethin'.

Now, please try and
show a little class, huh?

These people have a way of seein'
right through ya, so remember: Class.

Just watch me. Now
go on to the door.

Oh, cut that out.

Oh, how do you do?

I assume, since this is the Archie bunker
residence, that you are the bunker family.

Yes. My card.

Come in.

Archie, this is "Mr.
Whitney fitzroy i-v."

That's Whitney
fitzroy the fourth.

"I-v" is the Roman
numeral four. Oh, I see.

Let me take your coat.
Thank you very much.

Very much indeed.

So, you're Mr. Fitzroy. Yes.

Mr. Fitzroy of rabinowitz,
rabinowitz and rabinowitz?

Well, Mr. Fitzroy, why don't
you come and sit right here...

Next to Mr. Bunker.

I'll tell you what I'll
do... I think I'll come

over here and sit
right next to Mr. Bunker.

You're in luck. He
has a sense of humor.

I guess that we can get
right down to business.

Are you, uh,
comfortable, Mr. Bunker?

I make a livin'.

I meant, are you
comfortable in your chair?

This may take a wee while.

I suppose, uh... I suppose you're wondering
why Mr. Sol rabinowitz didn't come.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Actually, it was set
up that way originally,

but then we realized the area
that you live in and your name,

and, well, the office has had
clients out this way before.

We thought that you'd be, um, you know,
more comfortable with... one of your own.

That's me.

At rabinowitz et al,

I am, well, you might
say the token gentile.

The house goy!

The rabinowitzes and I, we share the
same letterhead and the same office,

but that's where it ends.

You see what I mean?

That's where it ends.

Well, that's where this
meeting ends... here and now!

But, uh, m-m-Mr. Bunker... no,
no, no! Get away from me, you!

You go back to where you
came from and send me a Jew!

Mr. Bunker, believe me,

I appreciate your
extraordinary faith...

In the ability of an older and
sometimes faltering counselor-at-law.

As a matter of fact, it was your
rather eloquent appeal to my secretary...

That induced me
to canard at all.

I can only hope that your
confidence in me is well founded.

Don't he talk good, Edith? Huh?

I know the real article
when I see one, Mr. Rabinowitz.

Youse people really believe
in education, don't youse?

Uh, we often say, Mr. Bunker,

the tree of learning
bears the noblest fruit.

Hear that? The tree of learnin'.

I read that in a
fortune cookie once.

Will you stifle yourself.

Probably made
in a Jewish bakery.

Stifle yourself!

Go on, Mr. Rabinowitz. Help yourself
to some wine. That's Morgan David.

Now, listen, between you and me,

you know, kind of on the q.T.,

how come you got this guy Whitney
fitzroy the fourth workin' for ya?

'Cause I'm here to tell ya, he ain't
exactly a friend to the Jewish people.

He's friendly enough. Really?

He is married to
my only daughter.

Oh, jeez.

I beg him not to do...

The "I am the
token gentile" bit.

- And the house goy.
- Oh. He didn't say that too.

He certainly did.

Well, what can you do with children
these days? That's the way it is.

Oh, how do you do? Hello.

I'm the attorney for Mrs.
greenspan. Well, come in.

My card. Thank you.

Archie, this is Mr...

"Clarence the fifth Marshall."

That's Clarence
v. Marshall, ma'am.

I thought it was a Roman number.

Uh, I'm Solomon...

I'm Solomon rabinowitz, representing
the injured party, Mr. Bunker.

Pleased to meet you.
Let me take your coat.

Won't you sit
down, Mr. Marshall.

Well, how are you
feeling, Mr. Bunker?

Uh, we are in great
pain, Mr. Marshall.

The bunker family
physician, Dr. Ferguson,

confirms that our upper
and lower back are in spasm...

And the whiplash in
our neck is quite severe.

It looks like a long,
long siege ahead.

Yes.

Now, Mr. Bunker,

according to our records,

this accident took place
on, uh, Saturday the 14th...

At approximately
6:30 in the evening.

Is that correct?

Well, uh...

Yeah.

Now, according
to our witnesses...

Witnesses? You said nothing to
me about witnesses, Mr. Bunker.

- The kids, the kids. You know.
- Oh, yes, the little children
in the playground.

Hardly admissible.

Yes, but I'm referring to a
station wagon filled with nuns.

Your witnesses?

A station wagon
filled with nuns.

According to them, you were coming
out of the parking lot when it happened.

Now, do you recall in what
direction you were traveling?

Uh, his vehicle was, uh,
headed north, I believe.

Yes, but he was traveling south.

Well, I was backin' up. Now,
what difference could that make?

Well, if you were backing up, you were
going the wrong way in a one-way alley.

I musta been going forward.
Not according to our witnesses.

A station wagon
filled with nuns.

Yes, uh, "sister Maria yolanda,

sister Catherine, sister
Jeremy, sister Rosemary..."

All right, all right, all right!

Everybody knows
they go around in a mob.

Hey, Mr. Rabinowitz,
where you goin'?

Hey, don't leave,
Mr. Rabinowitz.

Listen, don't be
a-scared of this guy.

Alongside of you,
he's like a green kid.

You're a... you're a mensch.

Get after 'im.

There is an old, old
rule of law, Mr. Bunker.

They say it dates back to
before the turn of the century.

"In a court of law,

you can't beat a station
wagon filled with nuns."

Hi, Lionel. Hi, folks.

Last week's cleaning
all ready. Gee, thanks.

Say, Mr. Bunker, I've been
thinking about you all week.

That accident you had... you want the
name of the lawyer who helped my folks?

Oh, no, Lionel. I don't wanna
ever get involved in no lawsuits.

He already lost one.

Stifle yourself, Edith.

Okay, but if you ever feel the
need, we found just the man.

Name of Solomon rabinowitz.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.