Original subtitles

[uplifting piano music]

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪

[uplifting piano music and rhythmic clapping]

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If there was a perfect way to put ♪

♪ How I feel inside a book ♪

♪ Then I promise you I found the perfect thing ♪

♪ 'Cause you deserve it ♪

♪ You deserve it ♪

♪ You deserve all of it ♪

♪ You deserve it ♪

♪ You deserve it ♪

♪ If there was a perfect way to say ♪

♪ That I thank you every day ♪

♪ Then I pray that it will walk across my lips ♪

♪ 'Cause Lord, you deserve it ♪

♪ You deserve it [ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ] ♪

♪ You deserve it [Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa] ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah [Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa] ♪

[uplifting piano music and rhythmic clapping]

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪

♪ You know you never thought that I'd be... ♪

[Vera] Woo! I'm so excited.

We haven't all been together in years.

Well, what about Vegas?

Um, Delvin was playing in the All-Star game

and Morgan was having bunion surgery.

What about New York?

[Vera] Mm, Tori was on call at the hospital.

[Rhonda] What about Colorado?

Girl, I left once I realized 420 wasn't just a date.

[inhales]

Technically, the last time

we were all together was Kelsie's acting debut.

We watched it together online. It lasted about three minutes.

- Her debut? - No. Her career.

[chuckles]

Girl, make sure you tag me, girl.

I cannot believe Rihanna liked our last

well, your last post, but you know what I'm saying.

Girl, if I can get Rihanna as a lash client?

Oh my God, my junk will blow up, girl.

I mean, her lashes be b-b-bustin', girl!

Yo, I got another ride. We gotta go.

OK. All right, it's your girl, Shayla Hope.

Hope Not Shave.com. Follow, like, subscribe.

- Girl, come on. - [Shayla] OK.

[fanciful string music]

[cans tumble on street]

Ah. Just one cookie.

Why don't you just come over here

and clean the chitlins like always? I need you.

No, you do not. You have your own family and a dog.

You have your career, which you enjoy a lot more

than that vibrator I got you.

Oh, my God! Electricity down there just makes me nervous.

[Rhonda] Girl, everything makes you nervous.

You need therapy, and not a slumber party

before you move overseas.

[Vera] I need to get this holiday right.

Moving abroad is a big risk.

I want to leave feeling loved and full of good memories and...

Please be on your best behavior.

You know how important nostalgic moments are for Vera.

What I know is how expensive this trip to Vera's house is.

It's costing us everything, babe.

You gotta save better, you know? What we doing?

I am not about to order a kid's meal

just to save a few dollars.

You look crazy eating

a grilled cheese sandwich, grown-ass man!

Crazy or not, I know I saved $10,

and plus it came with this cute little toy.

Look at the toy. It's for our baby. Hey little...

Gimme this damn toy!

[toy squeaks]

Who did I marry? Is there 101 puppies you want to kill, too?

- Geez. - [toy squeaks]

- Dad! - Hey, y'all.

- Y'all go wait by the car, OK? - All right, bye, guys. Have fun.

- [Morgan] Here you go. - Here is your mail.

- Thank you. - Well, it's mostly bills.

Can you get your address changed, please?

I will, I've just been busy. That's all.

- [Ex] Busy? - Yeah.

- With church stuff? - Yeah.

You know, if you paid this much attention to our marriage,

we might have worked.

- Who's ready for some fun? - [Kids] We are!

So you're gonna forsake your loyal and dutiful sister

to hang with wildlings.

What? You have got to lay off the Game of Thrones.

These are my best friends.

Christmas is my favorite holiday.

It's the perfect combo. Nothing can go wrong.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure your dry erase board is filled

with all the color-coded details, control freak.

- It's not. - [Rhonda] Whatever.

I'm just glad you finally gave your job the middle finger.

So that you could take some time off, right?

Well...

It is Christmas!

I know, but it's my last assignment

before the big promotion is announced.

Listen, I just don't want to put any doubt in Melissa's min.

Well, Maleficent should be your boss' name.

You worked your butt off last year!

And all she gave you was a $50 gift card.

And a all-inclusive vacation.

To a two-star resort which she paid for

with her timeshare points!

But this year, baby, she seen my value.

And boom, just like that, I'm the man. Huh! Top dog.

On the top. Leggy pop. Shimmy rock.

- No? You don't like any of tha? - Just stop it.

OK. I can stop.

OK. We're ready.

- [engine doesn't start] - Oh, come on. No.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, please. I promised Vera I'd come this time.

Oh. What should I do?

[Radio] What up, what up? It's your man, Delvin.

You already know the voice, so you make your choice.

Man, do yourself a favor and check out McKenzie's Rib Shack.

Y'all know where it is,

and you know it's where champs like me go to fill our stomach.

Let's get it. McKenzie's Rib Shack, oh boy!

- Yeah. - You're so strong.

- Make Delvin look good. - [phone rings]

[Delvin] Oh, shoot.

Gotta answer this. Morgi-poo, what's up, sis?

Hey, Delvin. Are you ready for our holiday reunion?

[whispers] Give me one second.

I hate to bother you, but I wanted to ask

if you could possibly help me out again?

I'm having a bit of car trouble and...

[Woman] Hey, Santa! I've been a naughty girl.

[sniffs]

Delvin?

What's your name? Morgan. Morgan.

We're gonna talk about this at Vera's house.

I gotta go spread some leg... uh, some holiday cheer.

- All right now. - Delvin. Did you hear me?

Ho. Ho. Ho!

[sighs]

What the hell are you gonna do in China?

You never even lived in another state.

[Vera] I'm embracing my self-care plan

and doing the things I love.

Holidays, friends,

and soon my dream of living in China.

[Rhonda] Fine. Flee your country and abandon your blood.

But winter is coming.

What? I don't even...

- Hello? Rhonda? - [doorbell rings]

Kelsie. It's Kelsie. [Squeals with delight]

Oh, friend!

Hey...

You are way too emotionally invested in this.

Very Vera Holiday -[Vera] I'm not!

I don't... I have a lot of... OK, this looks delicious.

So, you just going for the deer in headlights look, or?

Wait, what, do I have something in my nose?

You look very frazzled.

I'm not fra... what? Oh.

I was gonna... I didn't know...

Mm-hmm. [Sniffs]

[sniffs]

- Is, um... is something burning? - Shoot.

- Something on fire? - Shoot! Shoot!

Oh, sorry! Love you! Thanks, bye! Shoot!

Oh!

- Shoot! - [doorbell rings]

[Vera] ♪ Oh, in a 90s kind of world ♪

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were someone else. Can I help you?

- Hi, I'm Shayla. - Shayla?

Shayla Hope. Hope Not Shave.com.

Oh. No. Sorry. I think you might be at the wrong home.

No. You are definitely Vera.

I mean, I can tell from those exposed chin follicles.

Huh? OK. Oh. Ouch. That was weird.

Hey, um, not quite sure who you are,

but you're probably in the wrong space. Oh!

[girls squeal at each other]

[Shayla] Oh, hey. You are such a PYT.

And you are definitely a tenderoni.

- [Vera] Hello. - Vera! Oh, my God. Hey!

Girl, ooh, I gotta pee like a racehorse.

Baby, grab the bags.

Hey. OK. Oh, no. OK. Just come on in!

Um, you can just take those things upstairs.

Kelsie. What the heck is going on?

What?

You know I gotta take off all my clothes to use the bathroom.

If I don't, I can't relax and I...

Get a UTI within three days. I know that.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Who was America's Next Top Model that went upstairs?

Shayla? Shayla Hope? Dang. Seriously, V?

Girl, it's like you live up under a rock.

Well, we almost didn't even make it

'cause somebody can't listen to a GPS.

Oh, so you're the queen of inches and centimeters.

You're a ruler now.

Well, I know that I can turn in 300 feet

when the GPS says turn in 300 feet, or 150 feet, or 75 feet.

I know I can do that.

Here, hold this so I can wipe.

What the? Oh.

- Shayla's my girlfriend. - Girlfriend?

Like Suge and Celie or Lisa and Jessie?

- Lisa and Jessie? - From Saved by the Bell?

- Oh, my God. Were they gay? - Girl, what? No.

Oh, because I was definitely Lisa, baby.

[Vera] Oh, my God.

Girl, I was thinking you were saying she was your girlfriend

and y'all were, like, together, like...

Oh, yeah. Definitely. She's gnawing me off the bone.

- Kelsie, you are not gay. - I know.

But you're in a relationship with a girl?

- Yeah. - Wait. What?

All I'm saying is I would not choose

to get all the way over in the left lane to try to pass

an 18-wheeler when I know that I have to turn in 300 feet.

The distance is just too short.

OK, uh, Madam Tape Measurer, since you know everything

about 300 feets and GPSes and trucks and making rice,

how big is this house in square footage right now? Come on.

- [Vera] What? - Girl, yeah, you got it.

- What's that smell? Ugh. - Oh, shoot.

- [sprays] - Shoot!

- This is ridiculous. - Or maybe my brain

is so amazing and better than yours. You scared.

- [rings doorbell] - Lord, my head. Just too much.

Hey, girl!

Hi, guys. I'm glad y'all made it safely!

- Me, too. - [Vera] So, what's going on?

No, no, no, no, no, V.

Let Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Machine of Miles

tell us right now how big your house is in square feet!

You know what?

- 4,000 square feet. - Oh, 4,000 square feet.

That's how I know you don't know what you're talking about!

You're strong in the wrong, Tori!

This house is easily...

I can look at it with one eye, sideways.

This house is easily 2,986 square feet.

- V, tell her who's right. - Well, I bought it when I...

The paper said it was... 4,000 square feet.

Boom! Boom, boom, boom!

Carry my luggage. I love being right.

[Kayden] You ain't right all the time.

[Tori] It's really nice in here, Vera.

[Kayden] Yeah, nice house. Stupid measurements.

- [Bicycle Rider] Vera! - [bike horn sounds]

- Vera! - [bike horn sounds]

[tribal music]

What the...

Greetings, beautiful sun goddess of the east.

It's a blessing to share living energy with you.

- Ajani? - [Ajani] In the flesh

that all melanin-deficient species long for.

Come here, sis, and tether with me.

- [inhales] - Oh!

Woo! Whoa, sis!

Your vibrations are screaming major cries.

Whoa! Don't be afraid, Baby V. I am here.

Papa Ameerkahlid Ajani is here. Come to papa!

Ajani, you're not my papa.

Did you ride this bike all the way here, Ajani?

- Absolutely. - From Alabama?

Oh, but it was worth it. Rolling hills, open skies,

gas fumes from Atlanta traffic, a never-ending earth orgasm.

[moans]

Ajani, you're early.

I don't even have the vegan lunch option ready yet.

Ooh, Mother Earth is going to circumcise you

for your huge carbon footprint.

Um, friend, I think you had, like, a little accident maybe.

Oh, Hakuna Matata!

Hey, let me show you the laundry room.

I hope you don't mind, I already started eating.

I just cannot seem to get full these days.

Oh, no. Yes, please. Eat. Um, how is the... Are you...

- I don't know. Nothing yet. - OK.

But we're starting our third round of IVF, and, um...

It's going to happen. Three is the magic number.

No, there is no magic. It's only science.

I've been a nurse long enough to know that the human body

has a mind of its own.

And my sweetheart cannot take another miscarriage.

Fingers crossed.

Thank you.

Tell me, what's going on with you?

Um, I just scored three new clients for my company,

up for a big promotion.

No, tell me about your life, the fun stuff,

the men, the travel, the dating, the sex.

Without a timer.

Oh. I don't really have a lot of time for that.

But, OK, fun. Watch this.

I went to the Tokyo Rome exhibit with my book club,

front of the line, VIP.

- Please, no. - [Vera] Huh?

- V, you have got to do better. - OK.

2,397, 2,398,

2,700, 2,701, 2,802.2,805.

[Tori] My man.

I guess it's proof that marriage can work.

When is Kelsie's crazy ass getting here?

Oh, um, she's already here. Her and her lover.

Did Marcus get out of rehab?

I don't think her name is Marcus.

Close the front door. What?

- Shh! Shh! - No, wait!

- What? - I know, I know. Shh.

Kelsie has been on the letter D since Sesame Street.

I know, I know.

Remember that dentist she was dating?

Yes! Remember he was so fine and rich,

he whitened all our teeth for free?

Yes, for free! And then her dumb ass dumped him

and started dating the bartender on the cruise ship.

- Stupid idiot. Oh my god. - [Tori] That was really dumb.

Well, now she's an influencer, so she's changed teams.

2,961, babe. I told you.

Delvin got traded? Who on the new team?

- Candyland! What up, baby? - [Tori] What's happening, girl?

What's up?

What you want to ask, girl? What?

So, you dating chicks now?

Girl, a little taco ain't never hurt nobody, girl.

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

The party just got fresher and fresher.

We're going to have two lesbians kissing under the mistletoe.

Yes!

First of all, this is not about your soft porn fantasies, OK?

First of all, ain't nothing soft about me.

Remember that time we had them midget strippers

- that had the big hips? - You can't say midget, retard!

So you mean to tell me you done brought a chick

over to Prude Vera Deville house?

I couldn't leave her at home.

Shayla Hope is hopeless without me, baby.

[Kayden] Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You dating Shayla Hope like Hope Not Shave.com, Shayla Hope?

Yep.

Come on. You did that? Yes, jackpot!

Oh, my God. You mean the IG influencer

who does all the waxes with the wine?

- Her work is amazing. - Girl, I know. Look. Mm-hmm.

[Tori] Oh, shit.

Honey glazed ham, girl. Look at it glistening.

Like, my shit looks like Morgan Freeman's beard.

Can you not pull your purse out in the kitchen?

[Tori] No, girl. I'm telling you!

[Kelsie] Girl, we belong in the kitchen!

What up, what up? It's your most famous friend!

Oh, they're always playing. Hold on.

Let me make sure everybody is awake.

[door bell rings rapidly]

What up, what up? It's your boy, Delvin. What's happening, y'all?

- There you go. What's up, V? - [Vera] Hey! Oh my god!

Amazing. You remember when I bought you that? That was crazy.

It cost an arm and an elbow. That was crazy.

- What's all this? - You know, a little network

wanted to do a reality show about my life,

- you know what I'm saying? - Yeah, OK.

[Kelvin] Because people been adoring me all over the world

the world on the basketball court.

I was going to say no at first, but I was like,

I wanna make sure people get to see this face right here, baby.

- Come on now. - I don't think this is

a good event for this because this is

just supposed to be friends getting together, hanging out.

And plus, I um, excuse us... on your RSVP card,

you didn't put anything on your RSVP card.

[Delvin] I did. OK. "Vera's very magical holiday reunion."

No, you drew a smiley face. I don't know what that...

That's because you got to be happy to see me.

[both laugh]

- I know. I just was... - Come on, this is magical!

Abracadabra, y'all. Let's get it.

No, this was supposed to tell me how many people you would bring.

- [Kayden] Del! - Ah! What's up?

- Babe, Delvin's here! - I'm right here.

Hey, what's up, T? What is going on? Yeah, yeah.

You know how I get down a little.

Ah, what's going on, Thick Grimace? Yes. Oh.

Ooh. And who is one of Destiny's Children?

How you doing?

That's me. Shayna,

this light-skinned yard lizard is Delvin.

- Wait, like, hold on. - Yeah.

- You a vag-atarian? - Mm-hmm.

Oh my God. Hey, we could get a threesome going on and leak it.

- Oh, definitely no. - Hey, V!

Now, I know she ain't get Tia and Tamara on her RSVP card.

First of all, snitch. I didn't have to.

She's sleeping in a room with me.

She's staying in a room with you?

Well, shit. They staying in a room with me!

- [Kelsie and Vera] Ew! - You're so... ugh!

- Get that off my floor! - [Delvin] I'm sorry.

- You already have a roommate. - [Delvin] What you mean?

Oh, my God, bro!

Ah, God is a fake word created by colonizers.

Homie, you been here the whole time?

- That's your bike outside? - Yes, and yes.

I bathed. I saged the place.

Vera's room was full of just crazy energy.

I'm talking scandal, different worlds, stranger things.

All good now.

Hey, Ajani. Good to see you. Ooh.

[sniffs] You smell good.

It's my shea butter. I make it myself.

I like it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your iron is off.

You should try some of my ox liver jerky.

Oh, hell no, dog.

If you don't get your ox livery ass away from my wife.

But the eyes are the window.

The eyes is the window to me beating your ass!

Wait, wait, wait. Y'all calm down.

Y'all calm down,

because y'all both know I still punch the hardest. Open chest!

[men yell playfully]

Guys, guys, don't knock my tree over!

[Kayden] She's a girl,

I was gonna hit her right in her breast!

I'm going to need to sign this.

[Kelsie] Girl, what time Morgan get here?

- Something is up with Morgan. - Thanks.

I just think the divorce, like, really affected her.

Y'all be nice.

[Ajani] Let's be respectful of people's time.

Watch out, fruit by the foot. Hey, V, what we doing?

What we got going on? What we doing tonight?

What's on the agenda?

Well, I was thinking that we could all start off

with a screening and a discussion...

[Delvin] Oh, hell no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

First of all, hey, get your hand off my back.

All right. Here we go.

[guests celebrate]

Absolutely not. I'm not doing that.

[overlapping chatter]

[Vera] We're grown-ups. That's why!

'Cause you don't remember last time.

Absolutely not. I'm not doing that. I'm not.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Oh, we're doing it.

[Kelsie] Why? It's our tradition.

No, no, no. A tradition is roasting marshmallows.

Same thing.

Not playing ding dong ditch in the dark.

♪ Oh, I said ding dong ditch in the dark ♪

♪ I said ding dong ditch in the dark ♪

No, stop. My neighbors are looking at you.

You can do all the dancing and break dancing you want to,

but all it mean is y'all was losers, babe.

We lost one time.

The only reason we lost was because...

Vera had an asthma attack.

Well, remember Vera's very sensitive.

She's allergic to strawberries, water, dirt,

people, bad breath, livestock, chicken, geese.

It was extremely hot outside and my asthma kind of flared up.

OK, well, what's the point of this tradition anyway?

- Foolishness. - Childishness.

- Fun. - The most fun.

The group is divided into two teams.

These two are always the captains.

They got anger issues, bad.

No, I got Candyland! I had her last year.

Don't say that about my baby.

My baby ain't got no anger issues. Delvin!

Thank you, honey. And next time, your ass don't cheat!

Then, all the team members

add challenges or tasks to the WENAW list.

- Wanna list? - No, the WENAW.

"What every nigga alive wants."

Oh.

That's why the film crew could not come outside.

The team with the most items at the end of the hour wins.

Me. I'm a winner.

Oh, well that sounds like fun. OK.

So wait. What happens if you don't win?

Oh.

- [Kelsie] Darn! Shrimp dinner! - [laughter]

- It say "slippery when wet"! - I think slippery's a bit

maybe "moist" would have been better.

[Kelsie] Yeah like when cornbread first come out

- the oven, but it get dry later. - Crumbly.

- Ew! - [laughter]

Oh. I don't think, I can, I like crumbly cornbread sometimes.

Delvin, I ain't even have you on my team last year, though.

We got stuck with Vera, dog.

[loud music approaches]

- Who is that? - [Kelsie] I don't know.

Hey! Y'all still doing this stupid shit?

- [Kayden] Barry! - What's up, boo?

[Barry] Man, you know, I be coolin'.

Y'all didn't expect to see me, did you?

How long you been out?

Man, judge say I still got between five months and 11 years

but I get out for special events.

- So you not out? - Not all the way.

Oh, it's kind of like a hood pardon,

I know what he's talking about, yeah.

What?

Relax, little Mandela. He's fine. Relax.

Hey, let's get this show on the road, man.

- Hey! - Oh, Barry!

- What's up? - It's so good to see you.

You know I love you, girl.

That money you put on my books? Bought me noodles for a year.

- Well, I'm glad you're here. - [phone rings]

Sorry, it's Morgan. Hey Morgan.

Noodles for a year? Boy, it don't look like

they've been feeding you nothing in there.

You look like Manute Bol in the face.

Hey, little boy, you know I only eat clean now?

My girl a personal trainer. Hey, baby? Hey, come here.

[rowdy hip hop music]

The time has come

for men and women to prove their strength,

their resilience,

and their ability to get what they deserve.

In lieu of their 40 acres and a mule, a tattoo by me,

the WENAW lists have been combined

and given to the captains. May the Obamas be with you.

- [gunshots] - Barry! A real gun?

[Barry] Hey, man, listen, prison is tough.

Why are you staring at me?

Y'all need to get on the motherfucking clock,

because this shit's ticking. All right?

So go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Let me get this AWOL troop in your barracks.

- [high pitched giggle] - Yeah, girl!

Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

You know what time it is? WENAW season.

I just stole Peppa Pig, baby. Ooh, God!

Baby Jesus over there with his mama and his daddy.

- [Vera] Scoot over. - [Delvin] I am over.

No, please, OK, give me your... No, move your arm!

- [Delvin] Oh my god. - [Vera] Give me your shirt.

- [Vera] Give me your shirt. - [Delvin] It's right there.

Christmas trees aren't the only one

who should get love during the holidays.

That's why I'm here making sure this tree is warm.

Mary and Joseph are going to be so mad.

I'm taking their baby!

I promised myself... this is kind of itchy,

that I was gonna be the ultimate player at this time.

Nothing's going wrong!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

[children] Hey!

Go, go, go, go, go! This shirt is so freaking itchy.

Y'all see what it is. WENAW champ two years in a row.

I don't lose!

- Ahh! - All trees matter.

[doorbell rings]

- [group screaming and talking] - [Kayden] Hurry up. Hurry up.

[Kayden] Y'all lost again!

Somebody's about to get my name on their ass!

No, we did not lose! We won!

Even with Vera on our team, we won.

- What? What does that mean? - [Kayden] You lost. You lost.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell happened to her?

Hell, I don't know!

She got a horrible shape and cheap weave.

- It's giving... - Ow!

Halle Berry.

- From Boomerang? - Uh-uh. Losing Isaiah.

Well, everything was fine until y'all switch clothes.

Yeah, maybe it's that ugly ass shirt. It's making me nauseous.

[panicking] Is it the shirt? Take my shirt off.

- Oh, God! - Wait, what?

Hey, man! That's a $200 shirt!

You just couldn't unbutton the thing?

She was suffering from overpriced items

- made from kids in a sweatshop! - Oh, man.

Uh-uh. Y'all shut the hell up. What the hell is that?

What is it? What is it?

[screaming]

Take that in your mouth, take that in your mouth!

I got her! I got her! I got her! I got her!

Take this. Ah! Ah! Oh my god!

[Kayden] What the? What are you? Oh my god!

[screaming]

- Wow. - I know. Isn't she amazing?

I used to pee on daddy long leg spiders

when I was in sixth grade. Took out a whole colony.

- It's thick. - She probably got chlamydia,

'cause it definitely burn coming out, but she'll be fine.

Post-menstrual urine. Good call.

Uh, what the hell is going on?

She was coding! She was out of here!

I went and got an EpiPen for her, Dr. McStupid!

- She was. - You guys.

OK. Oh, shit.

[Kayden] What's happening?

- She's dead. - [screaming]

- Asleep. - [groaning]

Ma, that ain't funny, baby.

Man, stop playing. You're gonna ruin my career.

OJ Simpson the only one that can get away with stuff like this.

Allegedly. But she Black. We good.

How many pills did y'all give her?

- [several people] One. - I didn't give her no pills.

I gave her one.

- So everybody gave her one pill? - I only gave her one.

[Delvin] Get this girl off me.

Man, y'all do recognize I gotta

be back in my cell by the morning, right?

- Oh, yeah. - OK, for sure then. Let's party!

- [everyone] All right. - [Kayden] Somebody grab Jesus!

♪ Nowadays, everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Everybody from Atlanta ♪

♪ Nowadays, everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Everybody from Atlanta ♪

♪ Everybody got, everybody got, everybody got, everybody got ♪

♪ Everybody child, everybody got, everybody got ♪

♪ Everybody got ♪

And we've got ourselves a tough one here.

You've gotta get the cheekbones.

Aw hell no! V, you reneged? Uh-uh.

[tattoo machine buzzes]

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Up here wanna be a star ♪

♪ Everybody out here drive a new car ♪

♪ Everybody out here, everybody don't know nobody ♪

[overlapping voices]

♪ Maybe find a way you can make you a few ♪

♪ Black lives matter now Everybody Black now ♪

♪ Everybody rap, and they all wack ♪

♪ I'm from the hood, but I ain't a hood rat ♪

But you can't eat the whole thing! Just a little bit.

A little bit!

[doorbell]

I'll get it. It's probably Morgan anyway.

- Shit, y'all, it's the police. - [everyone] What?

[everyone panics]

Guys, where'd you go? The police are our friends.

[Delvin] Oh, man, my career.

Oh hell naw. I can't go back this early, man.

- They're coming for me. - I can't go to jail.

They're going to take my phone, how am I going to post?

Nama-stay out of jail. Nama-stay out of jail.

OK. We're going to be OK. We're going to be fine.

[doorbell continues ringing]

Everybody just calm the fuck down!

Babe, we can't calm down. We got stolen stuff everywhere.

We got a half-dead Black girl right here,

and this dude, they looking for him,

and he cooking beans in the kitchen in a Crock-Pot.

Player, them ain't beans.

Oh, you're cooking beans, Daddy? Yeah!

[everyone grumbles]

[Kayden] What in the last season of Snowfall?

Hey, I can't go to jail, babe.

I had a dream about going to jail.

I peed on myself. I woke up, I was wet.

I can't braid hair. I can't do no cornrows.

OK. It's fine. It's fine, honey.

Facts. If you were my bunkmate, I'd love you too, for real.

What? OK, here. All right. I have a plan. Come on.

[doorbell rings]

[knock on door]

[Tori clears throat]

Hi, Officer! Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

We got a call about a stolen baby Jesus,

and some neighbors have been complaining

about some weird occurrences in the area.

What? That's crazy talk.

We're just playing holiday games here. All is well.

If you don't mind, I'd like to have a look around, please.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

We just have holiday cookies. That's all.

Oh, unless you got something to hide?

Only the recipe of my grandma's favorite holiday cookie.

OK. It's fine. Come on in, Officer!

[cheery, instrumental music]

See? There's nothing going on here.

[Barry] Sunshine, buttercup, would you marry me?

Holiday proposals...

- Dreidel... oh! - Just having fun.

- Nice sweater. - Howdy.

So much holiday cheer...

♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

[Female Crew] ♪ ...of a white Christmas ♪

♪ Just like the ones I used to know ♪

Caroling, Scrabble...

Oh, oh, Turner & Hooch! That's my favorite movie.

Me and my wife, we doing IVF treatments,

and that's one of the shows that we watch sometimes.

- Yeah. It's my husband. Yeah. - [Kayden] That's my wife.

- That's his favorite movie. - I'm her husband.

That's the movie that made me want to become a police officer.

[Kayden] Really?

Except I'm allergic to pet dander,

so I was rejected from the K-9 unit.

- [Kayden] Oh, man. - [Tori] Sorry.

- [Cop] Is she all right? - [Kayden] Oh, yeah. She just,

This is a Black person exercise. We go, and one.

She was drinking that eggnog. She was hitting that eggnog.

She was killing it.

I don't know if that's the effects of eggnog.

She looks dead.

Oh, no, no! Oh, shit.

[cheering from other room]

And who do we have here? We have Officer...

- Thompson. - Officer Thompson, man.

He's been serving our lovely community for...

- Seven years. - Seven years! Yes!

You are the winner of the Santa's Choice Award, man.

Hey, look, check it out. Thank you is not enough.

[Kayden] Right!

I got to hook you up with something special.

I'd like to introduce you to Shayla Hope.

[sultry R&B music]

Is that the hot girl from Hope Not Shave Club.com?

I mean, uh, everything looks all right here.

You fine folks look like you're having a merry Christmas.

I guess I got enough time for a break.

[Delvin] Yeah! Go get you a break!

[everyone cheers]

[Kayden] You might need backup. Call for backup!

- You need some backup? Woo! - Fantastic.

Babe, is that your idea of helping?

You done let the police come in all the way in here?

Our baby's gonna be born in jail.

He gonna have a beard and say,

♪ I can't deny it I'm a straight rider ♪

You don't want a pacifier with me!

Wait for it.

Ah! Ah! Ah, Jesus!

Oh! Oh! Oh, it burns! Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Man! Compliments of Shayla! - Yo!

[cheers]

Yes!

[Kayden] You crazy. Touch me with the other hand.

OK. All right.

- Golly... Who ate my cookie? - I gave one to the officer.

Oh, shit.

[howls]

Joe. Oh, man. I'm so proud of you.

[singing and drumming on Joseph]

You're a stand-up guy.

Taking on somebody's baby the way you did.

Because, I mean, we didn't have DNA tests back then.

Matthew McConaughey! Everybody knows it wasn't yours.

♪ Mary, did you know? ♪

Yeah!

♪ That your son would go from this manger ♪

to diamonds round ball as' necks? Shit.

[cheery instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

[music continues]

[doorbell rings]

[mumbling in sleep]

- [snores] - [doorbell rings]

- [knocking on door] - [Vera] OK. Sorry.

[both scream]

- [both scream again] - [door shuts]

- [Vera] Oh God, Oh god, Oh god. - [Omar] V, was that you?

[screams] Shoot!

[Omar] Can I come in? It's freezing out here, boy.

- Hey, Omar. - Wow, V. It's been a long time.

Yeah. You look great.

You look...

[Delvin] Hey, watch out, man. Move.

Get in here, bro. What's good, man? Good to see you.

You sure it's all right I'm here?

Of course, man. You my little brother, dog.

And it's Christmas. Where else you gonna be?

Get in there. Everybody in here, man.

Do you understand the meaning of invited guest only?

Uh, yo, so they started making this thing called toothpaste.

You don't mess with it?

[Delvin] Hey, bro. You got your clippers, man?

I hope they in here, because I need that line up.

[Kayden] I don't have no croissant.

I'm making a croissant. Relax.

♪ Noel, noel... ♪

[Delvin laughs]

Some circles. Yeah. Some circles, where?

Boy, you was always the most gullible.

Yeah. Tell them about that time you went to prom.

Oh, man, that's my real life, man.

You can't exploit it on live TV, man.

- Yes, the hell you is! - Boy, what's so funny?

Girl, we talking about the night

we all went to the hospital after prom.

What?

Hey, hey, what's up with them pancakes?

Nah! We finna talk about that.

Nah, first off, this fool right here done rigged a mirror

to the ceiling like he Dolomite or something.

And the mirror gon' crack.

And a shard of glass just pierced this man's back.

[Kelvin] Yes. And he gonna keep going through the pain because

he thinking, "This is my first time, this must be how it feel."

This is the Energizer blood bunny over here

[group laughs]

Vera was hysterical,

because she was thinking that what her mom said was true.

That she gonna die if she have sex.

Girl, we all bust in the room like we being robbed.

OK, wait. So you all were in the same hotel?

Oh, well, who were you in the room with?

Baby focus. You in my business, little mama.

Then at the hospital, all they saw was black and blood.

Thought I got shot, and needed a blood transfusion. Something.

So we all decided that we gonna go ahead and donate blood.

So we gonna save our friends' lives.

And we would have got away with it if Bernard Hubert Dupree

didn't call his mama and ask for the insurance information.

- Medical debt is ridiculous. - OK, wait a minute. Bernard?

Post-slavery, pre-woke, new name. Power to the people.

[Shayla] OK.

Not quite how I envisioned my prom night.

Oh, OK. So was that like one of your last nights all together?

Girl, no. Vera made us all go to college together.

- You're welcome. - [Both] A-U-C, baby!

Thank you.

Tori and Vera at Spelman. Kayden and Delvin at...

[Men] Morehouse!

- House, house, house, house! - Too much. Too much. Too much.

And then Kelsie, Morgan, and Ajani went to Clark.

CAU. Find a way, make a way.

OK. OK. So, Omar, let me guess. Morris Brown?

No, no. Actually, I, um...

I graduated from Howard, D.C.

- H-U. - You left.

- So, Vera. - Yeah?

What do you have scheduled for us today?

Well, I was thinking we could do something like...

[drumroll on table]

Go see the holiday lights exhibit at the King Center.

It's like a memorial to Coretta's vision of Christmas

- and civil rights. - [everyone grumbles]

Oh, well, I had a dream.

Me and my girl is going to the mall, baby.

We're going shopping, baby.

The mall? With what money? You broke.

No, I got plenty of lash clients. Don't do all that.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What happened to theater, man?

Saying the same line every night

was not putting no bread on the table, baby.

So, you messed around and got a sugar mama, right?

Hell yeah. She got money.

I ain't eating cat for nothing. You feel me?

Hey, hey. I booked Tori an appointment at an acupuncturist.

I'm going to get her uterus revived.

Uterine ripening. Sounds amazing.

- I'm all in. - All right. OK. Let's go.

Well, then, looks like it's just going to be me and my homeboys.

Actually, I got a couple tickets to the Chick-fil-A bowl.

- What's happening? - [men celebrate]

Free drinks, hell a ladies, in the box section.

But we're going to need a designated driver.

- You already know. - [Omar] Come on.

[Vera] Ok guys, this is so immature. This is really...

- [Delvin] Bro. Bro! - [Kayden] Always! You know!

Bro, you did rock three times? All right.

Because I thought he was going to...

Yeah, whatever. Did y'all get that?

All right. I'll see y'all at the game. All right. Yeah.

- Did you want to go to the game? - Oh, no.

It's OK. You guys go and have a good time.

I got some work to do.

And plus Morgan's going to be here any minute now, so...

All right. Cool.

- Um, I'll see you later, then. - Yeah. See you later.

- [Omar] All right. - All right.

[Omar] Let's go, fellas!

[Kelsie] Girl, grab the bags.

♪ Born is the king... ♪

It's your girl, Shayla Hope.

Make sure you book that next waxing. Link in bio.

Really, V? On Christmas? You going to work?

Girl, come to the mall with us.

Now, um, you know I'm not going to the mall with you.

Why?

You remember the last time we went to the mall, what happened?

What, girl?

Who forgets they put somebody else's diamonds in their ear?

Girl, listen. God wanted me to have those.

He bestowed them in my ear, baby.

- What? - [Kelsie] He bestowed them.

No, you stole them.

We only had to run from security, like, two blocks.

Don't do too much. V, come on. Go to the mall with us.

I'll get you a new bra and some sushi.

Definitely the bra, because, baby,

them titties are sitting on the table.

Pick them up. Yes, ma'am.

Baby, I seen them things when you was in the shower.

They was touching your knees. I'm talking about dog ears.

Deflated balloon. [imitates balloon deflating]

And plus, you know I got to get my girl a gift.

Girl, you know you pick out the best gifts.

OK, fine. Let me get my purse. Get my shoes. Sushi, gifts. OK.

- Girl... - Just give me five minutes.

I'm going to give my purse, my shoes.

- [notification alert] - Oh, shoot.

Girl, you're going to get on Zoom without a filter?

You could have got rid of all the head meat, V.

[Vera] Uh-huh. OK, yes. What did you say?

[Kelsie] Oh, hey, I'm doing fine.

I'm just stirring my witch's brew

and grilling and rotisserating a small child on my grill outside.

[Vera] OK. Uh-huh. Oh, no.

I could do that. I could do that.

Just give me a... No, it's not a problem at all. OK? Uh-huh.

I can't afford to take time to keep looking for things,

- and I know it's the holidays... - [Vera] Uh-huh. Yes, ma'am.

Girl, go ahead and call the Uber, baby.

Our ride just went back to the plantation.

500 pounds of cotton on my back,

and I still ain't got no douche for this stankin-ass cat.

Girl, let's roll.

Girl, I ain't no damn stud. I'm a femme.

Put on your damn jacket.

[Omar] Yeah, I'm just going to grab my gloves.

Oh, shit. My bad. My bad. My bad.

Just let me... Got my shoes!

Just need to get my purse and then the mall with my friends!

OK girls, this is going to be so fun! Merry Christmas!

[Vera] Oh.

- [Omar] Hey. - [Vera] Hey.

Uh, I, um, I just, I just need to get my purse.

I'm going to the mall with Kelsie.

Cool. I was just, uh, getting my gloves.

It's tough to have cold hands at a football game.

Or cold feet. Um...

Look, V,

about what happened between us...

Listen, it's, um, it was a long time ago, so.

- So, everything's OK? - Yeah, absolutely.

- Cool. - Yeah, cool.

Ooh, that dairy!

- Wait, why'd you close the door? - I didn't close the door.

- [knocking] - [Vera] Hello?

- Where's your brother at, dog? - Hey, man, probably in there

putting on his underwear inside out. You know he OCD.

Man, tell Captain Underpants to hurry up, dog.

- We're going to miss the game! - Bro!

Just turn on the light. That's the light.

- Come on, baby. - Thanks.

[Kayden] Ah, that's what you get!

- Y'all get on my nerves. - Her too slow.

[Kelsie] You can't even stuff your ass in here!

Got my damn girl back there

smushed like a damn panini bread. Look at y'all.

Seatbelt, pretty lady.

Hmm. Ooh. OK. You again?

Yo! They can't leave me yet. I'm driving.

Y'all ready?

Yes, Vin Diesel. Can you get us there fast and furiously?

Game going to be over with by the time we get there.

[Kelsie] Ferocious!

[midtempo instrumental music]

What the hell kind of closet is this? Shit!

Don't say shit in front of Jesus.

It traps you on the inside.

- It's not going to be all right! - Stop!

That's how you see commitment, huh? Lockdown, prison.

I'm the one that's messing things up? I wasn't ready.

I was going to call you an N-I-G-G-A.

The whole world revolved around you.

Whenever you come around, chaos!

You want me to break it?

No, I want you to put your back into it.

[music fades out]

Look, V,

I got scared.

- All right? I couldn't do it. - You played me like a fool.

You could have called or something.

And said what?

[imitates phone ringing] "Hey, V, it's me, O.

"I don't want to marry your ass no more,

but you go ahead and keep the ring. All right, holla back."

I wanted to marry you, V, just not right then.

That summer alone in D.C.

It made me realize how immature I really was.

Well, I guess I should just be thankful, huh?

I'll settle for pleasant.

I hate that I ever hurt you.

Well, the prom night hurt was worth it.

- [laughter] - [phone rings]

- Well, how are things in D.C.? - Oh, they're good. Really good.

Strange time to be in politics.

Politics? I thought you were doing community activism.

Yes.

Which is what Obama did before he became president.

OK, Mr. President.

- [Vera laughs] - Wow.

Hey, I'm actually running for city council in the fall.

[Vera] That's really awesome.

So what about you, Ms. Corporate Ladder?

Things are going well.

I'm actually in line for a big promotion,

and, um, will be moving soon.

[Omar] When?

- End of the year. - Where?

China.

- China? - Well, they...

Nothing's keeping me here, except fear.

They asked who was willing, and I raised my hand.

You were always in love with Asian culture.

You used to run around everywhere with them chopsticks.

[both laugh]

So, this is Vera's last holiday ho or ah

for the crew before you bounce, huh?

Well, they don't know yet.

I thought I'd take a page out of your book and just disappear.

Oh, come on now. I thought we was cool.

Oh, shots fired. [Imitates gun]

All right. Couldn't resist. My bad.

Oh, well, congrats.

And, um, thanks for doing all this.

Hmm. You, um, weren't invited.

But you was hoping I would come, though, right?

Nope.

Not even a little bit?

Maybe.

Huh.

- Can I turn a maybe into a yes? - You could try.

[romantic R&B music]

- Ow! - Oh, sorry.

- [Vera laughs] - It's OK. I just... Ow!

[both sigh]

God, it seems like this should be easier.

[funky guitar and jingling bells]

Hello? Hello?

Whew.

Guys, I'm here! Hello?

[full band funk jam]

- Hello? - [gasps]

[music continues]

Starving...

[coughs] Way too spicy.

Always use too much.

Oh this is nice!

Ooh, Jesus.

[moaning and banging around]

Hello? Hello?

Just pull it, just pull it, just pull it!

- Wait, it just has hooks... - [takes deep breath]

OK, yeah, let me just get this.

- [Omar] Just help me out. - OK, OK, I'm trying.

[muffled voices in closet]

Oh, wow, this is a nice... [gasps]

- [Vera] Oh, ow. Oh. OK! - [both scream]

[sprays mace]

- [Vera] Oh my God! - What the hell? Are you crazy?

- Are you all right? - [Morgan] Are you making out?

- [Vera] No! - [Omar] Yes!

[Morgan] What?

Just let me out of here, please!

[Morgan] OK, sorry!

Sorry. Sorry. Did you drive all night?

No, child. My car was acting up.

Oh, Morgan, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry. It comes with bankrupt divorcee territory.

Praise God. My pastor prayed and a miracle happened.

What, you got a flight?

No. A charter bus was headed to Tyler Perry Studios,

and I got a ticket for half price.

Oh, good. Wait. Well, how'd you get here?

I spent my last on a rideshare,

because you didn't answer the phone.

I was trapped in the closet.

Oh, please, Morgan. Not now.

All I'm saying is that fornication is a sin.

- We were not doing anything. - We weren't.

No need to explain. I'm not your judge.

Yeah, I can't tell by the way you bust in

like you the SWAT team.

Well, if you two were not playing hide-and-go-get-it,

then maybe I wouldn't have had to mace you.

- I was trapped. - And dry humping.

She wasn't dry.

It is always better to be safe than sorry, especially with him.

Hey, you know I can still hear y'all, right?

And what the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means your fly is open and your shirt is on backwards.

Come on. Help me with these bags.

Ah! Morgan!

Oh, Black girl magic! Black girl magic!

[Morgan] Where y'all been?

We just came from getting my uterus flushed out.

Wait, you got toxins steamed out of your...

- Yeah. - Mine too.

- [Morgan] But you don't have a... - All men are born with one...

No! What is wrong with you?

Hey, man, whose damn luggage is this here, man?

[Kelsie] Boy, shut up!

Don't you think you did enough damage for the day?

- Man, that was not my fault! - [Vera] What happened?

[Kelsie] Ask Floyd Mayweather over there.

More like Evander Holyfield.

Yeah, you weren't saying that when you was chilling

up in my box seats. How about that?

I was saying that! I wanted to be to the mall with my old lady!

And she wanted to be at the game.

[Kelsie] She was kidnapped.

Y'all, it was a white van and everything.

She was not kidnapped Was it a white van?

No, I was not kidnapped, OK? I actually enjoyed the game.

Yes, and we had an extra ticket, so I invited her to the game.

- What's wrong with that? - My ticket?

- Yeah, and I said yes. - [Omar] My ticket?

That girl would say yes

to anything that'll get her some extra likes.

So they gave you my ticket?

And besides, old dude was trying me, man.

He was not trying you!

He was cheering for the other team!

- In my section. - It was a game!

Ricky Minaj, do you know I will murder you in here?

It was never a game!

Hey, girl, take my wig off and show him my Boosie fade.

'Cause I'm really finna throw these hands. For real. For real.

Hey, hey. Let's calm down. Right? It's over.

Girl, if you don't

get your flimsy neck ass up out of my face.

Please. Baby, I'm sorry.

Why don't we all just calm down

and have a little cocoa and chill?

- Yes, I would love some cocoa. - Me too.

Is it organic?

Ain't it called Netflix and chill?

Cocoa and chill is a great name. I'm going to go that way.

- He want me to fight him? - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Pretty girl... - I need some of my medicine.

I only took a plan B today. That's it.

And you? You're going to have two dreads,

- just like Ajani if you don't... - Leave my people alone.

[Vera] All right. Guys. Let's just go outside.

Always want to fight people

'cause you're fighting with yourself!

[Kelsie] Morgan, what the hell you got on?

Looking like you rode over here on an Amish horse.

And you? Y'all, get on up out of my face, girl. For real.

You like a wet bus driver!

Damn. Man, where was you at all day?

- You gave away my ticket, bruh. - Man, damn my ticket! Where...

[sniffs]

Boy, you think you slick. That better be catfish.

What about the cocoa and chill?

So y'all actually got into a fight?

Yeah. You know I ain't letting nobody check my manhood.

And Delvin started it?

Hell yeah. He made somebody sick. All the dude said was...

"Hey, pal. You put your finger in my beer."

And I said, "Yo, my bad. That's on me."

But he still got loud and all boisterous

and swell his chest up at me. So what I'm supposed to do?

Don't nobody want your stadium fingers all in their...

Pants, unzipped, and totally out of breath.

Ooh, like two rabbits under the half moon.

Those two were always soulmates.

Vera better wear some protection.

My ex-husband was a serpent just like Omar.

I'm telling you, he was ready to put his hands in her...

Asshole! Delvin put his hands in a stranger's beer?

No, no, no. It was a...

Mistake. I submitted that file last week.

- Oh no, looks like... - You have got to be the most...

- Ignorant dude I know. - Wait, who? Me?

Nah, bro. Not me. I was a perfect gentleman.

Look, I was even like, "Dog, you can put your finger in my beer.

I'm going to throw it away, but you can still do it."

- But dude wanted... - Cash!

All I'm saying is, if she used her money

to support the house of the Lord,

then maybe she wouldn't be so easily...

- Used again. - Ain't nobody use me. I...

Killed this presentation.

Listen, I respect your opinion, but...

Forget that! I need to help him find his seat.

What?

Man, he stood up, so I sat his ass down. Donkey Kong...

Ain't got nothing on me!

- Except for a busted lip. - That's so unnecessary!

All you got to do is shut...

Up until you punched the dude, I was on your side!

You can't just be autographing yourself out of stuff, man.

Man, that's cap.

I should have the opportunity to finish the project.

That oversight was not on my end. This is some...

Bullshit, bro. And plus, if it wasn't for me,

you'd have no excitement in your life.

You'd basically have on a slip,

sitting in the bed like an old lady.

Really?

Did you just call me boring?

- Hey, man! - Jesus, take the wheel.

The spirit of the lusty vegan is loose in this house.

Don't use God's name in vain.

Oh, I don't play about my Yahweh.

Yahh what?

And how come you can't put that much energy

into this process?

Ow! I told you to count to three!

- You're not the boss of me! - I am the boss of you.

Yes, ma'am. I will fix it. 6 p.m...

Hong Kong time tomorrow?

OK. Yes, just one question.

Why you always got to be causing a scene?

Why are you so judgmental?

Did you pay for the replacement beer?

Why is that your responsibility?

And why are you always coming to his rescue?

[Kayden] That's four questions.

- Not today. - Tomorrow?

December 25th. Christmas. No, I...

I'm glad the wax chick had your tickets anyway.

She look better than you.

Treat me different now that I'm saved and go to church.

Because you act like the 13th disciple.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Morgan!

- [Everyone] Fine! - [Kayden] Fine infinity!

[knock on door]

♪ You're looking for the right one ♪

♪ Right one, right one... ♪

So, I'm guessing you're pretty mad at me, huh, Pookie?

Don't Pookie me.

What? Pookie, don't be like that.

Look, I'm not just your girl, OK?

I'm your guest. And sometimes it's like...

It's like I'm just invisible to you.

Invisible? Girl, you might be light-skinned,

but you damn sure ain't invisible.

Everywhere we go, someone is always gawking at you.

Plus, you post at least 500 pictures a day.

Oh, so now you have a problem with my social media presence,

but no problem tagging yourself,

trying to build up your little business.

Little business?

Guess I realized how valuable it was posing with an IG THOT.

[rapping] I snap. I pose. I'm an IG ho.

THOT, THOT, THOT, THOT, THOT. THOT, THOT, THOT, THOT, THOT.

Get your followers up, baby.

You know what? Um, I should leave.

Can you call back the Uber driver?

Why would I have the Uber driver number?

Ooh.

- Let's see here. - Really going through my phone?

Oh. "Thanks for the ride." "My pleasure."

"How long you in town for, beautiful?"

"Till New Year's."

"Well, I'd like to come pick you up."

"I'd like to ride."

"Say less."

"I'ma call you after I finish the game with my friends."

First of all, my voice is not that squeaky.

And of course, we friends.

We got to be friends before lovers.

Like, girl, you tripping. For real, though, babe. For real.

I got you here with my friends and everything.

Right. You know what?

I might be a IG THOT, but at least I know who I am.

[Kelsie sighs] Really?

Well, fine!

And I ain't talking about your body.

[Vera] Hey, guys!

We can't let this ruin our holiday.

[hip hop music]

[Vera] Fun by the fire pit in one hour.

[everyone chats]

[Kelsie] Hey.

[Tori] Hey girl, where Shayla at?

- They broke up. - [groans]

- Oh, damn it! - [Kelvin] Damn.

Damn it.

Really? Y'all betting on my failure?

- What fail? Who fail? - Nobody!

- Her relationship ended. - I feel bad for you.

Ohh!

- Easy money. Easier money. - [laughter]

OK. OK. OK, y'all. That's enough.

Truth or shot.

Well, I have a drinking limit, so that...

Not tonight, you don't.

God's first miracle was getting a party F'd up.

You know what? You so disrespectful.

Listen. The rules of the game is we all go around the circle

and tell the absolute truth.

If you agree with that truth, then you take a shot.

I'm all the way in.

Why can't we just play some regular-ass games

like regular Black folks?

- But who's the winner? - Yo fine-ass daddy!

[loud reactions]

It kind of smell like Waffle House.

Oh, it smells like a patty melt!

Ooh! I can melt his patty!

- What's wrong with y'all? - Woo! God damn.

I hope you can hold your liquor.

I'm a grown-ass man.

- Hey, daddy! - [exclaiming]

[Vera] I'll go next.

I watched all the seasons of Downton Abbey.

Oh! No, I can't get with that.

Girl, what the hell is that? I ain't never watched that.

Girl, even the maids ain't Black in that.

I ain't even gonna lie, I'm true to mine.

I ain't never miss an episode!

- [Vera and Kayden laugh] - [Kayden] It's a good show.

OK, OK. I'm gonna go ahead and put it out here like this.

Steph Curry is the new greatest of all time basketball player

over Michael Jordan.

That's the light-skinned one? The girl dad?

- He plays for the Warriors. - Yeah, that's him right there.

- Yeah, Warriors. - That's my wife!

Shoot. MJ all day, baby.

Nah, forget all that. I got one.

I buy food stamps from the little homie

when I'm trying to buy some groceries.

Hey, Delv, I ain't even gonna lie.

Remember, I got the number from you.

- That is horrible! - It's reparations!

- It is fraud! - It's giving...

It's giving fraud.

I just like to do that when I'm drunk. It's giving...

[laughter]

OK, OK. I got one. I got one. I got one.

Go ahead, babe.

- I still get a perm. - Hey, I miss my hairline.

- I love your scalp meat. - I know!

[Anjani] Didn't you see that Chris Rock documentary?

[Kelsie] OK, I got one, everybody.

I hate men with thin nut.

Don't skeet that dog water in my eye.

- Wait, wait, wait. In your eye? - Yeah.

[Kayden] Don't drink to that! Babe, don't drink to that!

- [Morgan] OK, I got a good one. - Come on. Bring it.

Name one male celebrity that you find sexy.

- Me! Myself! - Absolutely not.

Well, I think Michael B. Jordan is hot!

[Kelvin] No. Michael B. Jordan? I'm not drinking to that dude.

I would totally leave Kayden for Michael B. Jordan!

[everyone laughs]

[Kayden] Hey, Kelvin,

can you play Hit Tori In The Throat for me?

[Kelvin] Oh, no, 'cause Michael B. Jordan might play Hit It.

[Tori] Don't act like you wouldn't

leave me for Halle Berry or some shit.

[Kayden] I ain't leaving you for nobody. What you talking about?

Oh, he's so sweet!

Halle Barry in Losing Isiah or Halle Barry in Monster's Ball?

Now, she was on crack.

[all talking and laughing]

[Melissa] I just need a few more things before we can

close this deal with our biggest client ever.

Do you think you could rerun the numbers?

Well, sure, but...

I hope you're not pulling out on me.

Some folks have been slowing down because of the holidays.

Well, it is Christmas Eve.

And this is what senior leadership looks like.

Plus, if you nail this, you could be celebrating Christmas

next year in Hong Kong. Konnichiwa!

Thank you.

When my dad started this company 30 years ago,

he asked us to give up our annual family vacation to Paris.

I didn't want to do it. I knew it meant that my nanny

would be the one taking me to my horseback riding lessons,

but I made the sacrifice then

because I was thinking about the future,

when I'd be running late to the country club cocktail party

because you made a mess and I have to clean it up.

But, Ms. Montgomery, can I count on you?

Yes, of course. Sure. I'll rerun those numbers

and have them in your inbox by 8 a.m.

Thanks for the opportunity and, um, Merry Christmas.

Still the hardest-working woman I ever met.

Oh, just finishing up a couple tasks.

You can go ahead and have my shot for me.

[Omar takes deep breath]

- Why don't you take a break? - [sultry R&B music]

Make some new holiday memories?

♪ But I need more attention from you... ♪

♪ Attention from you ♪

Vera?

Oh, hey!

I, um, just came to get a Post-It.

I'm posting some stuff, and so I need a Post-It.

But, so, I'm just... Yep, here I come!

So cute. I'm coming! I got, I need the Post-Its.

Look, maybe we're both just a little tipsy.

I'm not tipsy.

- Maybe it's the holiday magic? - It's not.

I want you.

And you want me, too.

Take a shot.

Truth is, I want you a lot.

[music resumes]

♪ I'm afraid I'll fail at writing a song like this ♪

♪ But I need more attention from you ♪

♪ Attention from you ♪

♪ I wish you would just circle me out ♪

♪ If only you knew ♪

♪ The changes I been going through ♪

♪ I'm out of my mind And it's consumed ♪

♪ All because of you Pretending I don't love you ♪

♪ I'm catching feelings for you ♪

No, no, no, you gotta watch the Warriors,

the Warriors is sweet. You know, I mean they're not...

What's up, baby?

- They're doing it. - They doing it doing it?

- Aww. - It's about time!

[music continues]

[typing]

You're up already working, huh?

Just got a few things to finish before the end of the day.

So when you gonna tell them?

Tell them what?

Um, about you moving to China.

I don't know. I guess when the time is right.

You know what time I think it is?

No, I have work to do.

You worked hard enough last night. Deserve a vacation.

[Omar exhales loudly]

I could get used to this.

Waking up, feeling your cold feet under the covers.

Mm-hmm.

I'm serious.

We had enough time to live and try other people,

we should give us a try.

- What? - [phone rings]

I'm sorry.

♪ Oh, holy night Where's Vera with the gifts? ♪

Girl, where are you?

You were supposed to bring the gifts by 5 a.m., Black Santa.

I know. I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm on my way.

[Rhonda] But just hurry up.

I don't want the kids to wake up with no gifts under the tree.

OK.

You remember all the good times when the...

Yeah, I remember. OK?

And why you look so relaxed?

Did you get some?

Oh, you used the vibrator?

- [call disconnects] - Well, all right, then.

Dip, baby, dip!

Hey, um... Can we finish this later?

[cheery, melodic music]

- [presents hit ground] - Shoot!

♪ Santa, don't be sad ♪

♪ I've got a gift for you ♪

♪ Carry it in your bag ♪

♪ Oh, just show it to your crew ♪

♪ Please Santa, don't be sad I know it's overdue ♪

♪ If I could take back the last times I was naughty ♪

♪ I would follow through ♪

♪ Oh, I really mean it ♪

♪ Honey, darling, jolly rocking around ♪

♪ Mistletoe Let's kiss if you're down ♪

♪ Yes, you need it Yes, you need it ♪

♪ Yes, you need it Yes, you need it ♪

♪ Let's just kiss if you're down ♪

♪ Santa, don't be sad ♪

♪ You give and give, it's true ♪

- Merry Christmas! - [claps and cheers]

Oh, look at you, Rudolph. OK, I see you.

Oh, it's nice up in here.

Oh, and they got a little mistletoe!

I'm trying to see who I can get freaky with.

Kiss! Just under the neck part.

Collarbone kiss. Give me something.

Come on. Just one time.

This thing's some mint. It don't even work.

- Merry Christmas! - [all exchange greetings]

Merry Christmas!

[banging on drum and chanting]

[drumming continues while everyone claps]

OK, and Merry Christmas to you as well.

We're blessed to have such solid friendships.

Y'all are welcome. I do what I can do when I can do it, now.

You guys are such good friends, and I just know that

no matter where I go, you'll always have my back.

Girl, and we know you ain't going nowhere,

so we gonna always have your back.

Plus, your back ain't gonna cost me bond money.

You so petty. That was one time.

That was a hard one time.

Hey, y'all, y'all, y'all, listen up, listen up.

V, it's a perfect time...

For gifts! Perfect time to open gifts, right?

[cheering]

OK, Merry Christmas to you. OK, and to you.

Hey, hey, hey, I gave Tori a big gift last night! A big gift!

- ♪ Bumpin' and grindin' ♪ - We will not reference the R.

That documentary messed up

my whole sexy chocolate playlist.

Bet you watched it a lot.

For real, though, y'all, best slow song of all time?

- Love or extra wet? - Extra wet, gotta be.

Are we talking about music or buffalo wings?

I think it's "Cash money for the 99 and 2000!"

[Kayden and Kelvin cheer]

That is not romantic.

Yeah, you can say what y'all want to.

About to turn that shit on right now.

All you females that done graduated with good jobs

and is the boss of everybody around

you will be here twerking like a mug! Watch this.

[plays melody on drum]

[Kayden] Look at them. Look at them.

Now that's romantic as hell. You hear me?

- Ho, ho, ho, bitches! - [cheering and greeting]

- Oh, Merry Christmas! - Old St. Crip.

- And for you. - [Barry] OK, then.

[everyone cheers]

Dream team. Yeah!

All right, well, I think it's time to open gifts.

Hold on. First, you know we be

[hip hop beat] ♪ Dashing through these halls ♪

♪ Santa, he don't play ♪

♪ All up in them hills Rolling up a J ♪

[R&B music]

Oh, this ain't got no sleeves on it.

- I know that ain't mine. - Here, I want that.

You know I'm a ho.

[laughter]

[exclaiming]

[gasps] This is a phone!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I know you never graduated high school, but I was real proud

of you getting your GED while you were locked up.

♪ And we definitely get the reason ♪

♪ He can only love me 'cause of Jesus ♪

[squealing]

♪ We need family We need family ♪

♪ Home for the holidays Home for the holidays ♪

[Tori] Oh my gosh, you guys, let's not.

[phone chimes]

What? V? V? Do you ever unplug?

Yeah, it's just, the promotion email should be out by now,

- and I don't see it. - You got this. You trippin'.

Fear and faith can't live in the same house.

You're right. OK, fine.

Remember when we used to do this like twice a week?

- Swapping stories. - And clothes.

And men.

That happened once, and God forgave me.

But Demarcus did not forget.

And now we see each other like...

- Twice per year? - If that.

I'm so glad you guys included me this time.

Well, we always want you around. It's just...

We got to have an altar call with the deacon to get you here.

- That part. - I know I've been distant, OK?

But with the divorce, Daddy's death, I was so...

I was depressed, OK?

Going to church made me feel and have faith in myself again.

But I know it made me the boring one.

Oh, no. Vera still got that tight on lock, baby.

Shut up. I'm not boring. I'm cultured. I'm regal.

But God's love is the reason that I survived.

[Vera] Well, we love you, too.

[Tori] We do love you.

- What happened to us? - [Morgan] Bad decisions.

- Bad credit. - Bad ovaries.

- Girl, don't say that. - What? It's true.

I mean, God has a miracle just for you.

OK, well, can we tell God to hurry it up, please?

Because this IVF process is exhausting.

We got so close last time.

My body was like, "Psych. Nope."

- Let me do it. - Do what?

- Have her baby. Carry her baby. - Yes!

- What? - Hagar!

- Who? - Hagar from the Bible.

OK, so Sarah went to... She married Joseph.

Hey, Morgan, Jodi Osteen, We know the story.

But Kelsie, I cannot ask you to do that.

Girl, you're not asking me. I'm offering.

You better go ahead before I let somebody else get up in here.

Oh, my God. Yes!

And miracles, they don't need your permission.

- Amen. - Are you serious?

Yeah. I want to do something meaningful with my life.

Besides, you know, giving my coochie to strangers.

But I really feel like you and Kayden, y'all deserve it.

So let me have y'all bald-headed little baby.

Plus, I want a mommy makeover.

I want to get, you know, new ass, titties, flat stomach.

[Vera] Just say yes!

I need my nails done every week. A new wig every month.

- [Vera cheers] - Are you serious? Oh, my God!

- One of y'all kind of musty. - It's not me!

All right, Waiting to Exhale , break it up. Break it up.

Excuse me. Watch out. Let me get in here.

I need this couch to watch the game.

Y'all the rude ones.

No, this is the only TV you got in your house. You know that.

Hey, plus V, you're going to need some more eggnog.

I went ahead and killed all of that.

I'm not out of eggnog, I made that fresh batch this morning.

Yeah, killed all that and that little cup in the back?

Knocked that out, too. Tried to hide it from me.

I didn't have a cup. I didn't have a cup.

The cup in the back of the fridge?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, the little cup in the back. Knocked it out.

You saw it? She's trying to hide it.

That was Kayden's sample.

Bro, I hate this place, man.

Why y'all trying to be a grocery store so bad?

He should have wrote his name on it first,

second, if it's his sample, why he ain't just drink it already?

No! Kayden's sample from his body.

- It's for our IVF. - From his body?

He paid for it,

it ain't got to be from his body because he paid for it.

- Y'all are so extra. - Oh, God!

You done drunk this man's tenderloin juice!

His zesty pelvic bone juice.

- [Vera] No, no, no, no, no. - [Morgan] Turn him away.

[Kelsie] Come on! Get away from me!

[vomits]

- [Tori] Oh, wait. I got it. - Oh, girl.

Thank God! Let me go get him.

[Kelsie] Girl, set your big, swole head ass down.

- [Vera] Absolutely not. - [Kelsie] Tell him later.

- Let him sit in there. - He drank Kayden's sperm!

Delvin, you drank my niece or nephew!

♪ I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ I'll love you forever ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ I'll love you forever ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

[overlapping chatter]

Barry, they taught you how to cook like this in jail?

Yep. I can make you some foundation out of gravy, too.

Now, that's right.

Well, Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Kayden] Merry Christmas, V.

I just want to say thank you so much for coming

to celebrate this very special holiday with me.

And I want you all to know that your friendships

will be my most prized possession

that I take with me when... when I move to China.

- [Everybody] China? - For real?

- China, China? - No.

I know that it might be a little bit of a shock,

but I secured a huge account for the company,

and today they're going to announce me

as the new CFO of the Eastern Division.

Congratulations!

[overlapping chatter]

OK, well, let's pray.

Lord, thank you for this very special day.

Thank you for the great food.

But most of all, thank you for great friendships.

- Amen. - Amen. All right!

Oh, I'd like to raise a toast.

Hey, man, you know, that's a great idea, little brother.

I got you. That's a great idea, little brother.

Now, you know, sit down,

So now, y'all know normally this time of year,

I'm usually in the playoffs or the finals,

but the refs be cheating.

But I've learned that there's more to life

than going on expensive trips with exotic models.

So that's why I've decided to give one of you,

my lucky fans, season tickets. Now, all you got to do is...

- [Everyone] Oh! - Geez.

Enough, attention whore. He really getting on my nerves.

Man! You know how long it's going to take me

- to redo this activation, bro? - Boy, I'm sure the 20 people

that was actually watching will be fine.

It was more than that, man. And that's 19 more

than that actually know you exist in life.

OK, OK. Cool it, guys. That's a bit much.

Oh no, it's cool, Tori. If I was getting drug

on the court by rookies and losing sponsors,

I'd be mad, too.

Kels, that is so unnecessary. That's super-duper low.

Wow. Dun-dun-dun-dun. Here comes Captain Save-A-Friend.

What you talking about?

You didn't say nothing about him when he snapped off on me.

I didn't even hear him say nothing.

No, you just gotta protect Delvin,

so you don't lose your season pass privileges.

Yeah it was messed up too, when you gave that girl my ticket.

Sitting in that jail cell and almost rotting!

No! Anybody ready for dessert?

Well, hopefully you have something

with no sugar or gluten or taste. For you know who.

You need two fish and five loaves of bread, Mary Madeline.

Hey, now, come on. Hey, Bernard, now, that's a...

Nigga! You got one more time to call me out of my name,

or I'm going to break my foot off in your ex-NBA ass!

I'm keeping my name! I worked too hard for that!

[Vera] I know.

[Morgan] And what you laughing at?

You shouldn't even be at this table.

Whoa. Oh, you need to pipe down.

You stay using people.

Damn, man, you still hung up on that?

Once upon a time, a long time ago,

you co-signed on a car for me. Big deal.

I guess kissing me wasn't a big deal either then, huh?

You so evil!

Why you had to bring that up? It wasn't like that.

- [phone chimes] - [overlapping arguing]

[Omar] I was young, I messed up!

[all arguing]

Everybody shut up!

This was a horrible mistake.

I thought bringing you guys here would make me feel better,

that I wouldn't be afraid of the big risk I was taking.

I even thought maybe it would make me want to stay, but...

I realize your marriage is just broken,

and your immaturity is exhausting.

Your attitude is horrible,

despite all the religion you try to hide behind.

And one night of passion with you doesn't make you Mr. Right.

[Ajani] Un-gaw-a.

[Vera] Oh, my God, and I hate your African drama.

Your basketball game does really suck.

I ain't even say nothing to you!

I guess time doesn't heal anything.

It just reveals the truth.

We're not friends anymore. Excuse me.

- Look, let me get my friend... - No, no, it's OK, I got it.

Now, see? You done went too far.

Boy, shut up. And it supposed to be an uncooked rice, dummy.

All right, Keisha Swole.

[arguing resumes]

Yeah, from somebody that don't even know how to cook.

That's why you can't keep a man or a woman

[somber instrumental music]

V, what you packing for? You live here.

No, I don't. Not anymore. I sold my house, remember?

I just knew I had this promotion in the bag.

I'm supposed to be in China in a few days.

- Oh, my God. What am I gonna do? - What you always do. Soar.

Look, screw this promotion. You'll get the next one.

No, I will not get the next promotion.

You know why? Because I lost my job.

- What? - When the list came out,

my name wasn't on it, I freaked out and...

I sent this to my co-worker.

I didn't get the promotion. I'm gonna have to whoop her as.

I'm not gonna do it because I'm a professional,

but I'm gonna call my cousin, who is a straight thug,

and I'm gonna get her to whoop her ass.

I bought the nasty Girl Scout cookies from her.

I'm gonna replace her rice milk with whole milk, bitch.

I'm gonna hot pimp slap you like Will Smith did.

Keep my name out your mouth! I wanted my name in her mouth,

because I wanted the promotion so bad.

I can't believe I'm not going to China!

[Vera cries in video]

Look, you were disappointed. I'm sure your coworker understands.

I pressed "Reply All" by mistake.

[groans]

Look, screw that job, V. All right?

You made that company.

You've got to soar, V.

Ah! What was that?

That's for kissing my friend behind my back.

You're right. My bad. I'm sorry. About everything.

[singing in distance]

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Let us in Our nose is running ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Sorry we made you mad as hell, though ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Christmas with Vera's very special ♪

[Vera] ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[Kelvin] Now, come on, man! Get back down here, man!

Running off with that fake Dawson's Creek walk-off you di.

That's more like a Beverly Hills 90210 trot.

Shut up, you guys!

Vera, you know we'll be friends forever.

[Tori] Yeah. Come on, V,

You put me back into the holiday spirit.

[Ajani] Things have changed, but...

♪ I'll love you forever ♪

[Everyone] ♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ I'll love you forever ♪

Yo, V, I'm about to dip.

Is it cool if I make a plate for my girl?

- Sure, of course. - All right, bet.

- [snaps picture] - That's for my bunkmate.

[Kayden] Oh, man, that's crazy. Wait, come here. Barry! Homie!

Oh, and HOA sent a nasty email

about you and your friend's shenanigans.

- Sounds like it went well. - Yeah.

A lot has changed, but... we still got each other's back.

And front, and sides. And mouth, too.

- [Vera] God, you're so crass. - [Rhonda] I'm just saying.

Well, it was nice to see Omar,

but I'm going to a brand-new place.

No old baggage allowed.

I can't believe you are still going

- all the way to Hong Kong. - [Vera] Yeah, Omar was right.

Look, I could run that company. So, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to work my contacts, and build my own firm.

Besides, I had already paid first and last month's rent,

so I can't get my deposit back.

[Rhonda] See ya. Can't waste that money.

- I'm going to miss you. - I'm going to miss you, too.

How'd you get in here?

Oh, you don't need this anymore. It's not my house.

Thank you.

Kill it.

I mean, soar.

I will.

Make sure you share your location with me.

I saw this movie about this girl that got caught up.

[Vera] OK, I will.

I don't have time to be crying at no airport,

- so I called you an Uber. - OK.

And they will text you when close by.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Get me a purse at the Louis factory.

Oh, my God. I thought you were really saying something.

Get out. Bye.

[somber instrumental music]

[phone chimes]

[doorbell rings]

Rhonda, I can't take any more oxtails through customs.

Girl?

Omar.

What are you doing here?

Last week

was the best time I had in years.

OK.

Look, Vera, you and me were always so magical together.

Vera, I'm asking you to stay.

Omar, I'm literally on my way out the...

I want you. A lot.

Say you want me, too.

I have wanted you my whole life.

[sweet, heartfelt music]

But I'm choosing me.

Goodbye, Omar.

[cheerful instrumental music]

- All right. - [phone chimes]

OK.

Hope you got a big trunk!

I sure do, ma'am.

[Vera] Omar. What are you doing here?

I thought you were doing community activism?

Community activism don't pay the bills,

so a brother had to get a different hustle.

But my notification said Ahkbar.

Yeah, well, D.C. people prefer international drivers.

Plus, someone named Rhonda booked me.

No gum or mints?

I only give five stars to drivers with gum.

That might... might get you five stars.

[poppy rock music]

- Where to, ma'am? - South, please.

- Hold on tight. - I never let go.

- All right. Is that Delta? - [Vera] Spirit.

Frontier was a little too much,

but Spirit had this little promotion where

if you go the first one without a bag,

the second you could get a free bag.

So what I'm going to do is stop over in Texas,

my girl's going to bring me a bag,

then I'ma sneak that bag back on too, stuff some snacks in it...

♪ Don't even have to try ♪

♪ And I swear this is all true ♪

♪ Watch for the arrow, one shot could change your life ♪

♪ Hey, it's so easy to fall in love ♪

♪ Even you could do it Even you could do it ♪

♪ The hardest stone cold thug ♪

♪ Even he can do it Even he can do it ♪

♪ And if your heart is breaking up now ♪

♪ Maybe we could do it Maybe we could do it ♪

♪ 'Cause two hearts are better than one ♪

♪ Maybe we could do it Do it, do it ♪

♪ Come on, let's do it ♪

♪ Baby girl makes a wish ♪

♪ That one day she'll find her prince ♪

♪ Been alone ever since What's the deal? ♪

♪ Just when she had enough And turned her back on love ♪

♪ Her prince was pulling up And he was real ♪

♪ It doesn't matter what you do Love will find you ♪

♪ You don't even have to try ♪

♪ And I swear this is all true ♪

♪ Watch for the arrow, one shot could change your life ♪

♪ Hey, it's so easy to fall in love ♪

♪ Even you could do it Even you could do it ♪

♪ The hardest stone cold thug ♪

♪ Even he could do it Even he could do it ♪

♪ And if your heart is breaking up now ♪

♪ Maybe we can do it Maybe we can do it ♪

♪ 'Cause two hearts are better than one ♪

♪ Maybe we can do it Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ If you've been wishing to talk to that girl, try it ♪

♪ Look into her eyes She won't know unless you try ♪

♪ If you've been living with no strings attached ♪

♪ Tie em', tie em' up ♪

♪ Baby, when it's said and done ♪

♪ Two hearts are better than one ♪

♪ Baby, when it's said and done When it's said and done ♪

♪ Two hearts are better than one ♪

♪ It's so easy to fall in love Even you could do it ♪