Original subtitles

# I've a feeling of being so up in the world

# When I'm walking out with you

# Up in the world is the feeling I get

# Even talking about you

# I pray I've made a good impression

# You're my obsession

# Forever

# Let our hearts take flight together

# Up in the world #

What's going on? Someone's blocked up my window!

- What is all this? - I can't hear a thing!

(All shouting)

- Morning. - Morning.

Morning.

Push it!

Well?

Harper says Banderville Park's window cleaner had an accident...

- as arranged. - Good.

Mick says Lady Banderville will cough up 50,000.

She'll cough up as much as we ask to get her precious boy back.

- We ain't got him yet. - We soon shall.

The place is guarded like a ruddy prison.

- You'll need a pass. - Which the new window cleaner will get.

The job comes up at the labour exchange tomorrow,

- who's going after that? - You are.

- Suppose somebody beats me to it? - Don't let someone beat you to it.

- I'm having that job. - Who said so?

I did.

Ah, who wants a job anyway?

What's this queue for?

- Nothing. - Oh, yeah?

(Laughing)

Thanks for keeping my place warm, you can have yours back now.

Who you pushing and shoving? You all make me so wild!

- Ooh! - All right, come on.

(All shouting) Hey! Open up there! Open up!

So, you couldn't even get a job as a window cleaner?

I was double-crossed, Mick. If I get my hands on...

- All right, all right, forget it. - What happens now?

Another window cleaner has an accident at Banderville Park...

- (Knocking) - Come in.

Morning. They sent me 'ere.

- Been sent by the labour exchange? - Yeah.

- Window cleaner for Banderville Park. - Yeah.

- Last job? - Erm, to do with windows.

Mm. Reason for leaving?

- Erm... Resigned. - Yeah.

I handle security for Lady Banderville. Members of her staff are vetted by me.

She has an obsession that her son, little Sir Reginald, is going to be kidnapped.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that. - Hadn't better try.

The last one who did's still in prison.

- Got a photograph of yourself? - What for?

For your pass, idiot.

You'll need one to get in and out of Banderville Park.

- I haven't got one. - Well, we'll leave that for the moment.

What are you doing?

I gotta take your fingerprints and put 'em on the pass.

- Oh-ho! - Now, do your forefingers.

No, no!

I mean the forefingers of each hand.

- Oh. - No, no, no!

No. Erm. You don't understand, do you?

Look, that's a forefinger. The index finger.

Stick that on.

(Sighs)

- Ain't it marvellous? - Oh.

Give me your hand. Ooh!

(Exasperated sigh)

Put your finger on the pad.

On the pad.

That's right.

Now, press it on the card.

Yeah. Well, that'll do very nicely.

Very well, you may go.

I'm sorry, er... Well, I'm...

Erm, er, erm, er...

- I, er... - (Door closes)

Oh, uh-oh.

Yoo-hoo!

(Electrical buzzing)

(Ringing)

(Ringing continues)

(Dogs barking)

(Ringing stops)

Afternoon.

Off with you, before I pot you off with this.

- What happened? - That, sir.

And what is that?

I'm Norman, the new window cleaner. Ah-ah.

- You should have been here at nine. - Why, what happened?

- Where's your pass? - Ah, I'll not get caught with that again!

(Dogs barking)

Admit him. Jump to it!

All right, men. Dismissed!

Report to my office forthwith.

- Who's that on the horse? - Major Willoughby, the estate manager.

- Oh. Where's his office? - Along the drive.

- Oh. Very far? - About three miles.

What time is the next bus, then?

(Birds singing)

(Car horn)

My lady.

(Bicycle bell)

- Good afternoon, Jeannie. - Good afternoon, Tom.

- Wasn't that Her Ladyship? - Aye, it was.

- Och, I know you well enough by now. - Thank you. Bye.

- Who's that dreadful man, Simes? - Don't know, my lady.

Drive on, fast.

Hey! Hey!

(Whistling) Hey! What about a lift?

- (Gun pops) - Ah! Oh! Ooh...

- Did it hurt? - Did it hurt? Did it hurt!

- Can't catch me! - I'll give you "did it hurt"!

(Red Indian war cry)

I'll give you whoo-whoo-whoo!

Ooh, hmm.

Aah! Help! Help!

No! Let me down. Help! Help!

Hey, what are... Oh, you! Oh, let me down. Go on, let me down!

- Mmm, you look better upside down. - Get out of it, you, ah!

Don't go away! Help! Oh no...

Let me down! Hey, anybody about?

Hey! Help! Help!

Hey, hey! Help!

- Well, hello! - Oh, good afternoon, miss.

- Whatever are you doing? - Just hanging around.

- Admiring the view? - Well, yeah, it swept me off my feet.

- I won't disturb you. - No, don't go!

Cos I'm stuck up here and I can't get down!

- Who are you? - Norman, the window cleaner. A boy...

I can guess. Well, I'd better see what I can do.

If you could give me a push up, then I could get me feet loose...

Aaargh!

- Are you all right? - Yes, thank you.

- Oh, thank you. Oh. - Oh.

Wait till I get my hands on that little devil!

- You know who that devil is? - No. Who?

It's Sir Reginald.

- He's Sir Reg... - Yes.

- Well, he ought to be kidnapped! - He's not so bad.

- I hope Harold's all right. - Harold?

- Oh! Whatever is that? - Don't be frightened.

- He's Harold, my hamster. - He's a darling.

He is nice, isn't he? He's my mate.

He's taken quite a fancy to you.

Well, I think we'd better get up to the house.

- Well, I'd better leave you here. - You've been very kind, thank you.

- Hope I see you again. - Well, I'm on the staff too.

- What's your name? - Jeannie.

- Hurry, the Major doesn't like to wait. - I'm not afraid of him.

Good luck with your windows. Give them a good spit and polish.

Oh, I'm gonna need an awful lot of spit, ain't I?

- Bye. - Bye.

- (Knocking) - Come in.

Well, I got here!

- Sir! - Oh, just call me Norman.

Stand to attention when you address me.

Thumbs in line with the seam of the trousers.

Atten-tion! That's better.

Now, you may be aware that Lady Banderville has a son.

- I'm aware of it, all right. - Fine boy, the apple of his mother's eye.

And remember this, Sir Reginald is always right.

- Even if he shoots me in the...? - He is always right.

Now, your duties.

The ladder house and equipment therein is your responsibility.

Ladders must at all times be kept locked away.

Not only to keep intruders out, but also to keep Sir Reginald in.

Follow my example, and Sir Reginald will respect you, just as he respects me.

Now, you want the key to the ladder house.

- Sir Reginald is always right. - Right!

The ladder house is in front of the trees.

Right!

(Clicks fingers)

(Phone)

Hello? Ah, yes, my lady?

Sir Reginald wants next Saturday to be the first match of the season.

- Yes, Your Ladyship, a splendid idea. - (Norman, whistling) Hey!

Hey, Major! Hey, Major!

Will you excuse me just a moment, Your Ladyship? Thank you.

Hey, Major!

Shh! What is it?

There's a hole in this bucket and I shall need a new leather.

We'll attend to all that in the morning!

- Here, now, and another thing... - Will you stop shouting, and go away?

And keep off the grass!

Oh!

- Yes, Your Ladyship... - (Whistling) Hey!

- Yes, Your Ladyship. Yes, indeed. - (Whistling)

Hey, Major! Major!

Will you just forgive me once more, Your Ladyship? Thank you so much.

- Hmph! - (Norman) Hey!

What about the water? Where's the tap?

It's at the back of the ladder house. And stop shouting!

Oh, bah.

And keep off the grass!

Hey! Hey, Major! Major! Major!

Wait a minute, hey, Major! Aah! Oh.

Yes... Hel... Oh.

Thank heaven she's gone.

'I'm still here. Are you? Hello? '

- 'Hello? ' - Yes, Your Ladyship...

Major! Oh, oh...

(Screeches) Major!

(Stones rattling)

Excuse me once again, Your Ladyship.

Wha... Ooh! Now what?

I left me cap, chuck it down, will you?

Your cap!

- What time in the morning? - I've already told you, 7:30 sharp!

Well, give us a shout about seven, eh?

And keep off the gr...!

- Where are you off to? - The staff hall, sir.

- You're going the wrong way. - First right, first left?

No, first left, first right. Around there.

- Thank you, sir. - Don't mention it!

Maurice, Lady Banderville not playing bridge?

Oh, rather, Colonel, she's just a teeny bit late.

- I'm holding court until she comes. - Eleanor!

- I was hoping for a game. - Colonel, what a good player you are.

- Very nice of you to say so, dear boy. - Hello.

- Good afternoon. And you are...? - Norman.

- Of course. How do you do? - How do you do?

- I've been told to make meself at home. - Do, my dear boy, mingle!

Mingle.

That's what I'll do, mingle! See you later, then.

- And, of course, you. - How do you do?

- Right, let's get started. I'm Norman. - Good afternoon.

Afternoon. I'm gonna like it here. Look at all this lot!

It is nice, isn't it? But it always is here.

Ain't you gonna have none? I can't wait. Here, get this down ya.

- Shouldn't we wait... - It's nearly half past four...

Go on, you have one. Have another one each. Here you are.

Oh, jam roll. Sorry. Bit of a scramble, innit?

What's up, ain't you hungry? I ain't had no dinner yet.

Aw, I don't care if I go off bang.

Here, you hand these round. Cos that's your job, innit? I'll betcha!

You're dressed to kill! It's your afternoon off. Don't tell me-you're Cookie.

Cookie? I've never been called Cookie in my life...

I can tell. I can guess the lot of you!

Good old urn. Urn!

You'll get used to me.

Rather odd behaviour.

- Very. - Lack of breeding, I should say.

- We meet again. Have a cake. - Thank you.

You get your own!

This is favourite, I tell you, these'll go like hot cakes.

- Ah-ah. - Oh, how very kind.

It needs livening up in here. You play the piano?

As a matter of fact I do, a little.

- You don't! - I do!

Why didn't you say so? Here, hold this.

Now, listen everyone. Listen! Listen! Oi!

- What's your first name? - Maurice.

Old Maurice is going to play the piano for us, ain't ya?

- If you insist. - Of course we insist, don't we?

Come on, give him a big hand. Look, he's got the wind up!

He's going now.

Go on, that's it. Shh!

(# Dramatic arpeggio)

(# Greensleeves)

No, no, no, no.

Cor, Jeez...

Beat it up! Whisk it! Give it the old in-the-groove stuff. Hup-hup-hey...

Go on, then! Go on! Hit it!

(# Upbeat version of Greensleeves)

Come on, everybody-frenzify yourself!

Go on, then. Brilliant!

Hey! Whose is this lot?

- Those are my nephew's. - Cor! Well, keep going, get at it, faster!

And five, six... Come on then, get moving on the rhythm!

# Teach me to rock and roll, rock and roll! #

That's it. Round and round...

Hoo-hoo, we nearly went over then.

Ah, hip-pip-pippety-tip.

Come on, snake-hips, have a go!

Oh!

Come on, get moving!

Raah!

Hey, hey. Mammy!

Are you on intimate terms with Lady Banderville?

She's my mistress.

- Ooh... - Oh, Lady, please...

- Oh, my dear Lady Banderville! - What can I do?

She's just fainted. Get her a glass of water.

- Quick, the trolley! - Little devil...

- Jeannie, stop. - Yes, sir?

(Crash)

- Do you mind? - Sorry.

- I'm Norman. - We've met.

Where? When?

I saw your guest appearance at Lady Banderville's tea party.

- I can't do this. - I'm Norman, the new window cleaner.

- I've got a job for you. - But I don't want...

Come and sit down.

You'll have to sit a bit nearer if you're going to hold it for me.

Do you think you're going to like it here?

- It's not very friendly, is it? - We'll have to change that, won't we?

Yeah.

(Phone)

Answer it, can you?

'Ello?

- Mr Harper? A Mr Harper wanted. - Yes, that's me.

- You're wanted on the phone. - I can see that, idiot.

- Thanks. - Sorry.

Oh, heavens...

No, no.

Oh, no. Listen, wait a minute. Don't be ridiculous.

- Come on. - Now, wait a minute.

Now keep calm. See if we can get it off our feet.

Do mind my wool!

- Let me get me foot out. - Let me get me foot out!

He won't be a minute.

Now look what you've done.

Oh, go on, it's your call.

Sorry. You could use it for mending socks.

Oh, Norman.

- Busy? - Yes, very.

Thank you for helping me...

Sorry to keep you, boss, but I was tied up.

Max slipped up over getting the window cleaning job.

It's up to you to see that the situation becomes vacant again.

It'll be a pleasure, boss. Don't worry-it's as good as done.

- Good morning. - Oh, morning, Sir Reginald.

(Sir Reginald) To the right. Back a bit.

Forward. Back. Back!

Now, straight back.

Keep going, that's it.

(Laughs)

(Sobbing)

Where is that boy? He needs more discipline!

Should be sent to Eton next half.

- Amongst all those ruffians? - Make a man of him.

He's far too sensitive. He needs a mother's guiding hand.

He needs an uncle's guided foot. Trouble is, it's the wrong uncle's.

- Maurice is a very good tutor. - Oh, thank you, Sybil.

- Morning, Uncles. - And about time too. Now, to business.

I take it the last minutes were read and approved. Those in favour...?

- Those in favour? Maurice? - Oh, yes, of course.

Very well. Now for the financial statement for the past year.

The assets of the trust amount to L#17,008,427.

You can put your hand down now, Sybil.

This is an increase over the last twelve months of 4,500,000.

It's nice to know the dear boy will be well off.

Any further comments?

(Whistling)

(Singing)

That's all very well, Maurice. I am sick and tired of this nonsense.

Reginald is spoiled and will be the ruin of you.

Protecting him is one thing, Sybil, but you're turning him into a fool.

(Sybil) You're dreadfully hard, Fletcher.

(Fletcher) If you had any sense at all, you'd know it for yourself.

(Maurice) He seems to get on so nicely.

That's all very well, Maurice, but as I've said, I maintain...

- It's that horrible-looking man! - (Fletcher) Don't be ridiculous.

- He looks like a kidnapper! - Everyone does to you.

It's the new window cleaner.

(Squeaking)

For heaven's sake! Tell him to go away. As I was trying to say...

# Don't laugh at me cos I'm a foo... #

Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were coming out the window.

- Stand still, let me wipe you down. - No, no.

- I didn't do it on purpose. - Leave him alone.

- He's all right now. - Ooh! Do you mind?

- Just look at my suit! - Look, I'll soon dry you down.

- Hold this, will you, please? - Ah! Ah!

- Go away! - Outside. Outside, back to your work.

Oh! Hey! Help! Someone's moved the ladder! Hey, come on!

Help me!

- Monstrous man. Potential criminal. - (Fletcher) Oh, an amiable halfwit.

- Go away! - He can't!

- Why not? - Wrong window. No ladder!

Good heavens!

- Aah! - Hold on!

- Come on, pull me up! - I need some help here, he's slipping!

Keep out of the draught, darling.

Pull harder, then!

- Maurice! Make yourself useful! - Pull!

Fletcher! For heaven's sake, pull, man!

Ooh!

(Norman) Send for the fire brigade!

- Maurice! - (Norman) Get a ladder! Anything!

Save me!

Hold on!

- Fletcher! For heaven's sake, man, pull! - I am pulling!

- Don't despair. You'll be all right. - You stay where you are, I'll climb up!

Stay there!

(Major) Fletcher! For heaven's sake, hold on! You can't...

What are you doing? Oh!

Heave! That's it.

Go on, heave! That's it!

(All groaning)

I'm all right. Let's get the Major in else we'll all be out of work.

- Come on, young fella. That's it. - (Major) Help!

- Yes, I... Right. - I got him!

Ah, ah, right then!

Aargh!

You! Oh.

Report to my office at once!

At once.

Oi, Major!

- Keep off the grass! - (Laughing)

Too big for me.

Oh, no you don't, Sybil! We might as well close the session.

The best one we've ever had.

Norman! Hello!

- Jeannie! - How're you getting on?

Well, I think I made an impression.

- Oh, good. - Well, I'll see you later then.

- Norman? - Yes, Jeannie?

- Will you come to the village fair? - What, with you?

- Mm-hm. - Oh, yes, please.

- At six, then? - Fine.

- Norman... - Yes, Jeannie?

- Be careful. - You don't have to worry about me.

I'm as safe as houses on ladders.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh!

Oh!

- You wanted to see me, sir? - See you?!

You're fired! Get out!

Get out!

Harold, what do you think of this?

"Dear Jeannie.

"This is to say goodbye.

"I dropped in to see the Major and he gave me the sack.

"Ever so sorry about not seeing you this evening.

"Don't suppose we'll ever meet again.

"Yours truly, Norman.

"PS... I... think... you... are...

"...wonderful."

- Key to the ladder house. - Thank you.

- Two weeks wages in lieu of notice. - That's what I want.

Less PAYE, national insurance and deductions for breakages.

- Breakages? - Breakages.

- Well, let's have it, then. - Leaving one and fourpence.

Cor, blimey. Here's a letter for Miss Jeannie Andrews. See she gets it, please.

- You can keep the bob. - Thank you.

Come on, Harold, let's get out of here, before we get searched.

- (Gun pops) - Ooh!

Hey! Norman! Where are you off to?

You ought to know, getting me the sack like that.

The sack? What do you mean?

- Sawing through my ladder. - But I didn't! Really, I didn't.

Hmph.

The last one you sent was useless. Excuse me. Sir Reginald?

- You sacked Norman. - Correct. I had occasion to do so.

I'm giving you occasion to take him on again.

Yes, Sir Reginald.

- Report back to my office forthwith! - Can't you tell me now?

I ain't gonna walk all that way back. It's all right for you, you got a horse! Oi!

Oh.

Goodness me, the fates have been kind. I haven't got the sack?

- Yes, precisely. - I can't believe it.

Against my better judgment, I'm giving you one more chance.

What about the letter, and the bob?

The shilling you can have back

but the letter has already reached the young person.

Oh.

I'll get the key to the ladder house.

Thank you, Major. And off we go again. Hee-hee!

(Sighs)

(Barrel organ, fairground workers shouting)

- Jeannie! - Norman!

- But I thought you got the sack. - I've been taken on again.

- Oh, I am glad. - Really?

Come here.

- Thank you for your letter. - I wouldn't have written it if I'd known.

- Silly, wasn't it? - Well, I thought it was rather nice.

- What about that bit right at the end? - I thought that was rather nice too.

I wouldn't have dared, you know, if I'd...

Well, I know what you mean.

# Dee da da dum, da da dum, da da da da da

# Da da dee da dum, dee da da dum... #

# La da da dum... #

# I used to be scared of affection

# But now I'm not

# I used to go cold at its mention

# But, phew, now I go hot

# I used to run a mile

# If a girl even began to smile

# But I'm not afraid any longer

# One smile from you

# And my love grows stronger

# I've a feeling of being so up in the world

# When I'm walking out with you

# Up in the world is the feeling I get

# Even talking about you

# I confess that I tremble at your touch, my dear

# It's cos you're here so near

# If you'd say yes

# Then my eager lips

# Would press one kiss

# That means so much to me

# My plea is to be...

# Tied to the strings of your heart

# Make me feel that I'm someone really new

# Don't cut me loose or my life falls apart

# And I'm no one without you

# I pray I've made a good impression

# You're my obsession

# Forever

# Let our hearts take flight together

# Up in the world #

Oi! Come on, what's about it? Oi!

(Norman) What's the matter with you? Come on! Get it moving!

- Here, you. - Hey.

- Yeah? - You say "sir" to me.

They've all got titles here, ain't they?

You're needed to play in the football match today.

Good!

Sir Reginald captains the outdoor staff and they always win.

- You understand? - Always? Well, I shall do my best.

Are you any good?

No, not really, no.

Fine. You'd better play for the indoor staff against Sir Reginald...

who always wins.

(Whistle)

(Cheering and applause)

Carry on. May the better side win.

- Skip it. We're playing this way, anyway. - Very good, Sir Reginald.

That dangerous little man is playing.

You got the spare ball in here, ain't you?

(Jeannie) Good luck, Norman!

Come here.

Now listen, I insist on scoring. All right?

(Whistle)

Well done, Reggie. Shoot!

That's it. Come on!

Well played!

Goal! We scored!

Offside!

(All) Offside!

(Major) Free kick-offside.

What, offside? I brought it right through meself.

- Free kick. - Get out of it!

You were offside. Have you gone raving mad?

- Have you gone mad? - (Sybil) Let's get on with the game!

- Yes, indeed, my lady. - "Yes, indeed, my lady."

- Her Ladyship won't be pleased. - She won't.

- (Whistle) - Pass the ball to Sir Reginald!

Oh, Reginald. He's awfully good, you know, Reginald.

- Let Sir Reginald have it, my boy. - Pleasure.

Hey! Ow! Foul!

- Foul! - (All) Foul!

- I meant the ball. - Foul. Free kick.

- No. - (Whistle)

- Ahh! - (Laughter)

- Hello. - Put him in goal!

- He's not big enough. - Not Sir Reginald, you. Get the jersey on.

At the double.

- Go on, show them, Norman! - Yes, show them, Norman! Come on!

Well done, Norman. You're doing fine.

Thank you, Jeannie.

Ahh! Ohh...

(Applause, whistle)

Hey, whose side are you on?

Ah! Well saved, little 'un.

Well done, Norman!

- Goal! - Oh!

Jeannie, I scored! I...

(Laughing)

- We'll show him! - Get back to your goal, instantly.

- Hmm, game little fellow. - (Whistle)

Yah, bullies!

Ooh!

You!

- Ahh! - (Crowd) Dirty! Foul!

(Howls)

Oh!

Oh, Reggie, my darling.

You great hulking brute, you!

- Reggie! Come on. Come on. - Ow!

- Stop the game! - Nonsense!

- No, I'll play on. - Oh, he's so brave.

I'm sorry, my lady, I...

- How dare you! - Come on, Sybil.

Reggie. Reggie!

- (Whistle) - (Crowd) Come on, shoot, Sir Reginald.

(Jeannie) Oh, well saved, Norman!

- He moved! - What do you expect me to do?

- You moved! - Foul!

- This is too much. - Oh, my dear Sybil.

- Get back! - But...

(Whistle)

- (Cheering) - Hey, no! No! Play the game!

Oh, ain't it marvellous?

(Whistle)

Oh! Ooh! Ahh!

Oh!

Oh, Norman!

Where's your banjo?

- (Groaning) - All right, let me help. There we are...

You gave that little blighter a dose of his own medicine.

You'd better go to bed for the rest of the day.

(Whistling Up In The World)

# Dee da da dum, da da dee, da da da dum

# Hup! Oh da da dee hup, da da do... #

Oh!

- You nearly copped it then. - Yes.

- Hello, Jeannie. - I didn't think you'd be working today.

- Well, I feel fine. Oh! - Oh dear, is it hurt?

- No. Be all right. - Norm?

- There's a dance in the village tonight. - Yeah?

Oh, well, erm, could I take you to it, then?

That's what I was hoping. Yes.

Well, I'll meet you on the terrace... about half past six, eh?

- Hey, Norman! - Yes, Sir Reginald?

Come up here.

- (Sir Reginald laughing) - Ohh!

(Mocking) Ha ha ha.

- Morning, Sir Reginald. - Come on in.

- Relax! - Yes, Sir Reginald.

Skip the title. Come here, I'll show you a trick.

- See this empty box? - Yeah.

Say the magic words-uz guz guzulum.

No, honestly!

Uz guz guzulum.

Hey, presto!

- Where's this from? - Saved it out of my pocket money.

Big pocket. Not bad, though.

Wish I could conjure like the Great DeMilo. He's on in London.

The White Cockatoo. The Great DeMilo. I've seen him before.

You can have all this if you'll take me to see him. There's more!

Not me! Get somebody else - I'm going back to work.

You might as well clean my windows-the outside.

Well, I don't mind doing that.

- Ooh! - Got you!

Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

No, let me in! No, don't lark about...

- Swear to take me up to London! - I will not! Get out of it...

No, don't mess about! I can't... What are you doing? Oh...

- Are you going to take me? - I certainly will not!

We'll see about that!

I will not! No, I'm not ticklish. I'm not... ticklish...

No, d... I'm not ticklish.

No, don't! No, no...

I'm not ticklish!

- It's that little fellow again. - Yes. Happy indeed at his work.

- I give in! I give in. - Come.

- You give up, do you? - Yes.

- You're gonna take me up to London? - Yes, all right.

Bring a ladder at dusk tonight.

Anything you say...

- No, not tonight! I promised... - Tonight?

- Tonight! - (Yelling) All right! All right.

Good.

- Seen Jeannie? - Certainly not.

Afternoon, Norman.

- Afternoon. - Nice day, innit?

- Yeah. - Switch on the TV, will you?

Yeah, all right, then.

- What was that? - Now you've done it.

- What? - And what was that?

The TV, sir. I told him not to mess about.

- You... - Silence.

I can call a fella who'll fix it.

Do that, Harper. I'll tell the gatekeeper to expect him.

The cost of repairs will be deducted from your wages.

- (# Gentle piano music) - What is that?

As a matter of fact, it's a pyjama case for Reginald.

It's rather pretty, don't you think?

- Where is he? - Gone to bed.

- Already? - Yawning his head off all evening.

I do hope he's not sickening for anything.

- No, just sickening. - Fletcher, you're not fair to the boy.

(Yawns) Such an oppressive evening.

I think I'll turn myself in. Must catch up on my beauty sleep.

- Yes, you need to. - Really, Fletcher. Good night.

- Good night, Sybil. - Good night.

Tiptoe past Reggie's room. Don't disturb him.

- I will. Quiet as a mouse, thanks to you. - Sweet mouse dreams.

- (Beeps) - (Gatekeeper) Who is it?

- Express TV Repairs. - How many of you?

- Only me. - Draw up inside the gate.

Get down, quickly!

Right, carry on.

- Well, we're in. - Right on the dot.

Harper should be pinching that ladder now.

(Dog barking)

(Dog howling)

(Whistling)

(Whistling)

- OK, Sir Reginald? - Yes. Just call me Reggie.

Better make it Sir Reggie, eh?

- No, just Reggie. - OK. Reggie.

(Van approaching)

There's a van coming! Shove the ladder over there.

Harper's done his job.

- The ladder's by the boy's room. - There's a light on.

(Gargling)

She'll have to wait a bit.

Close the door.

(Clattering)

- Shh! - I didn't know it was there!

You'll wake the whole mansion!

Shouldn't we take one of the others?

No, I can drive this one all right.

- You drive? - Yes.

Mother wouldn't go out in any other one.

- But Lady Banderville won't be in it. - Won't she?

Ah. We'll give him five minutes.

Not bad.

Think so?

- In you get... Mother! - Let's get a move on.

(Snoring)

Ohhh!

OK, Max. It's in the bag.

Are you asleep, my darling?

Reggie!

(Screaming)

Reginald...

Reggie! They've taken my Reggie.

My lady.

- It worked. - "My lady"?

Help! Help! Where is everybody? Oh, Reggie!

Sir Reginald, he's gone! Kidnapped.

Well, do something. Don't just stand there, do something!

- Sybil, what is it? - A kidnapper. Oh, they've taken Reggie!

My little boy. Oh!

- Oh, my lady. - Remove the ball.

Fletcher, brandy, quick. Make it two.

(Siren wailing)

- Well, press on. - Yes?

No news yet but the arm of the law is reaching out.

I always knew this would happen.

Why didn't they take Maurice too? Not that I mind.

Probably surprised them. No alternative.

If only you'd sent the boy to Eton, Sybil.

A staff member is missing. The window cleaner.

Oh, what did I tell you?

- Ah. An inside job, eh? - That's the man, Inspector.

A thug if ever I saw one.

Where will they have taken my Reggie?

Obviously to some quiet hide-out.

# Talent

# We say it's talent

# Talent is what the public want

# Ooh! We don't think that it's de rigueur for a girl to show her figure

# While the fellows I can figure all the time

# They don't come to see our faces they just come to find some traces

# Of the old familiar places down the line

# And they find talent

# What else but talent?

# Talent is what the public want

# Ooh! Competition, we can fight it we don't need Shakespeare to write it

# We just do it as you like it every night

# Though we may not be ambitious they will grant us all our wishes

# For as long as we're delicious they will fight

# And we'll put talent

# We say it's talent-talent?

# Talent is what the public want

# We want to fool you

# Talent is what the public want #

(Applause)

Ginger beer!

- It was OK, Mick. - Nice work, boys.

- The boy's been missed already. - It was a piece of cake.

Cake? This'll keep me in mink for a long time.

OK, let's take a look at him.

What the...?

You... bird brains.

- You got the wrong one. - Wrong one?

- Does he look 14? - Perhaps he's prematurely aged.

- Cut it out. - Can't we get a ransom on him?

More like they're glad to be rid of it.

That's the one you should have got.

Someone else has got him.

Someone's pulled a fast one on us.

- What should we do with this? - Oh, dump it.

- Dump it? Where? - Anywhere, but dump it!

(Drum roll)

(Compere) Introducing the Great DeMilo, Master of Mystery.

(Whistles)

Ho ho ho! Good old Milo!

Oh, smashing!

I never seen nothin' like that, not in all my life.

Thank you, but it wasn't as good as all that.

And now, if I may be allowed...

- We give credit where it's due, don't we? - Yes.

If I may be allowed to continue, I would like to borrow a gentleman's watch.

Will any gentleman kindly lend me their watch?

- Hey, no, no, not mine. No! - Oh, why not, Norman?

It's the only decent thing I've got.

Thank you.

- Give me my watch back! Come on. - Don't worry, little man.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to take this watch

and wrap it in an ordinary piece of paper.

Now, do you know what I'm going to do with your watch?

- No, sir. - I'm going to place it on the table so...

and break it up into lots and lots of little pieces.

There. Now, I suppose you think your watch is all smashed and broken.

- Oh, come, now. - Get out of it. Go on. Get out of it!

You know it's smashed. Everybody saw you.

You hit it as hard as you could.

That's just where you're wrong.

See.

There you are. Gone.

(Applause)

Now I suppose you would like to know where your watch really is?

Oh, yes, please, sir. Yes, sir.

Follow me very closely.

Now then, whose watch is this, eh? Whose is it?

Norman's? Yes!

Look, I've got my watch back. He's made it come back.

What a trick!

- I'd like you to help me in another trick. - Oh, yes, sir.

Pick a card.

- Any one? - Any one?

- That one. - Right, look at it and keep it.

Madam, will you take a card, please?

And you, sir. Thank you.

Now, please, will you take a card?

Now, madam, will you take a card, please? And you, sir...

(Mimicking DeMilo) Ladies and gentlemen,

I shall take this young man's watch and wrap it up in this ordinary piece of paper.

Now, do you know what I'm going to do to your watch, do you?

Well, I shall place it on this table so

and then I intend to smash it up into lots and lots of little tiny, weeny pieces.

(Laughter)

I suppose you think your watch is all smashed and broken.

Ah, that's just where you're wrong.

There you are.

(Glass clinking)

Very clever(!)

Oooh!

(Arabian music)

Ooh!

I got a hunch the boy might be in London but where?

(Laughter from auditorium)

DeMilo's going very well tonight.

Here, what's going on out there anyway?

- What's going on? - We chucked out a couple of customers.

Help! Uncle Jess, call the manager!

- The boy... - (Sir Reginald) Help!

Look, I haven't finished me food yet!

Let me wrap some up in a bit of paper!

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Stop, stop. Just a minute.

Our apologies, sir. There's been a big mistake.

The management's compliments. Please return. Everything is on the house.

I should think so. On the house?

Come on, Reg.

Cut the cabaret, get those lights down to the midnight level

and get that band going. Go on. Quick.

- Tell Sidney and Steve to stand by. - OK.

(lnaudible)

Play a rumba.

Make it 27, gentlemen.

(Band strikes up)

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

It's no good. Any more nonsense and I shall take action.

(Foreign accent) Hello, boys.

You would like for me to join you, yes?

Oh, erm... No, thank you.

- You would like to dance? - Oh, please... I can't dance.

Why not? Come on, it would be an experience.

I bet it would!

- Go on, Norman. - Go on yourself!

Please.

Come on, come on. Get a move on.

In three minutes, the lights go out. Then get that kid.

- I've had enough. Thank you, I'll go now. - Not on your life, chump.

My spare-time job's teaching judo.

Hey, you let me go!

Let me go. Put me down, will you?

What's the matter with you?

Harold... Harold, come back.

Ohh!

(Sir Reginald, muffled) Help! Help!

(Muffled screaming)

Nice work, boys.

Yes, it's the Banderville car, all right.

White Cockatoo. I wonder...

Place is due for a raid.

Officer! Here, come quick. There's something peculiar in my dustbin!

Go and see what she wants, will you?

This is the one, Officer.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I do think policemen are wonderful.

Relax, son. As soon as your mother's paid up, we'll let you go.

(Sir Reginald, muffled) Let me go!

Nobody's going to get hurt.

- All right? - I'm fine. I say, isn't this all smashing?

We'll get the kid to sign it before it goes to Banderville.

Steve, keep your eyes skinned here.

(Footsteps approaching)

Someone coming?

Oh.

Put your hands up. Come on.

All of you. You as well. Together over by the barrel. Come on.

Oh, no, you don't. Keep back.

(Whistles and screaming)

Am I glad to see you - they tried to kidnap us.

- The game's up. - What? I was just trying to get him out.

It's no use, boss. They got us. Better go quietly.

Boss? I've never seen these men in my life before.

- Take him away. - I'm innocent, I tell you! You ask the boy.

We'd just come to see the Great DeMilo, that's all.

(lnaudible)

He'll need complete quiet for a few weeks. He has amnesia.

Oh, how awful...

- What's that? - Loss of memory. How long will it last?

Months, maybe years.

- Won't he even know I'm his mother? - I doubt it.

You'll have to break it to him gently, Sybil.

It is abundantly clear from the evidence

that you were the brains behind this dastardly crime.

I shall give you the maximum sentence for the offence -

25 years' hard labour.

(Squeaking)

(Footsteps approaching)

Visitor to see you.

Come on, look lively. Left-right! Left-right! Left-right!

Left turn!

Left-right, left-right. Prisoner, halt! Left turn.

You can have two minutes.

- Hello, Jeannie. - Hello.

I still believe in you, Norman.

You're about the only one who does.

If only Sir Reginald hadn't lost his memory.

But he did.

Don't worry, Norman, dear. I'll wait for you...

- if you want me to. - If I want you to?

Thank you, Jeannie.

I'll only be 50 when I come out(!)

- Jeannie? - Yes?

- Do me a favour. - What's that?

Look after Harold while I'm away, will you?

Of course.

(Clears throat)

Prisoner, attention! About turn! Quick march!

Left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right...

Oh, no, you don't. No trying to get away.

This is 3709935.

Cheer up. First 25 years are the worst.

25 years?

25 blinkin' years...

Blimey, a big shot.

Delighted to meet you, guv.

We're just small-timers in here.

Gilks. Robbery with violence. 18 years.

Glayman. Arson. 13 years.

Williams. Assault and blackmail.

Only ten years.

Cor...

- Look, he's on the job already. - Go on, show him.

Finest little tunnel you've ever seen. With your help,

we could get clear in another five months.

Oh, no. Count me out.

Out before then?

Gonna play a lone hand, eh?

Yeah...

Yeah, that's it.

I'll play a lone hand.

I shall be taking over in here.

Right, now. Whose is this bunk?

That's mine.

Yeah, well, from now on, it's mine. See?

Well, Reginald, that's enough Latin for today.

Just leave me to study, Uncle.

Sir Reginald, your costume for the staff ball's arrived.

Oh.

Have you remembered anything about Norman yet?

- I never knew any Norman. - But, sir, he took you to London.

I have never been to London.

Poor Norman...

(Wind howling)

Oi, you. Break up that bit.

OK, boss.

Keep working! Put your hat on!

Working yourself to death, aren't you(?)

- Well, I've done most of the big ones. - My foot!

Aaarghhhh!

3709935...

You're a dab hand at cleaning windows, aren't you?

I've done one or two.

You, you, you and you, follow me!

Left-right, left-right! Left-right! Left-right!

Left-right! Halt!

All right, get it up there!

Those are the governor's quarters, see?

Couldn't I carry on breaking up stones instead?

You'll do 'em and you'll do 'em nicely, 3709935.

All right, get it up there!

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up!

Gently!

- I pity the poor blighter going up there. - Yes...

- Hey, you. Pick up that bucket. - I don't fancy it in this wind.

- Up you go. - Can't you get someone else to go up?

- Oh, no, don't ask me. - Go on, get up there!

Get up there!

Why does it have to be me when you can choose from all this lot?

Aa-ahh!

(Wind howling)

What the devil are you doing? This is a prison, not a circus.

Get on with your job!

Hey, no, no! Put me back!

(Mumbling)

Hey! Get me out of here!

Hey! No, no! No! Put me back! Go back!

Don't let me... Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Hey! Hey!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey!

Blimey. He's done it!

3709935, come back!

Stop him, someone. Stop him!

(Police whistles, dogs barking)

Ooh! Ooh!

- He is making for Banderville, sir. - Yes.

(Grunting)

(Dogs barking)

Oh! Oh!

(Barking continues)

Stout fella! Here first, eh? This will get you promotion.

Take his name, Sergeant. Open up here. This is the army.

What's all this in aid of?

Escaped convict heading this way.

Come on. Hop on, young fellow. Hop on!

- Who are you, lad? - Norman.

OK, good boy.

One of you chaps needs a bath when we get back. Meanwhile, forward!

(Big band music)

- Care for an 'op, my lady? - Oh, certainly.

Robinson, Jackson, Thomas, come with me. Soames, stay here.

Right, lads, light up.

- Got you! - Aaagh!

- I haven't done anything. - Enjoying it?

Go on in, then, and have some more fun.

Excuse me.

- (Gasps) Norman?! - Shh!

- What are you doing here? - I'll tell you later.

I must find Sir Reginald. He must remember.

Of course.

I've got an idea. Come on. This way.

Arrest that man.

What the blazes are you doing? Call off your men, for heaven's sake!

- You've arrested the wrong man, fools! - I told you so!

- I beg your pardon. - It's all right. Fancy dress. A drink?

Not on duty. Which is Lady Banderville?

- Madame Pompadour. - Ah, thank you.

Drinking on duty? What's your name?

- I beg your... - I know, it's fancy dress.

- We have news, my lady. - My lady, a private word.

Norman, the window cleaner, is in our midst.

There he is, Norman.

Come, come. We can't have two young ladies dancing together.

- Thank you, Major. - No, no, I've already danced with you.

Please, in this country, the man always leads.

My, my, you are a shy little flower, aren't you?

Come along, look up.

Oh, yes. Come along, my dear. Let me see you.

Mmm, I knew it. What lovely eyes.

I bet all the boys are after you.

(Giggling) I'm being chased all over the place.

You're delightful, really.

(Hums merrily)

Come along, enjoy yourself. This is a party. Sing with me.

- (Hums) - (Tuneless Arabian moan)

- (High-pitched wailing) - That's the way.

(Wailing continues)

Oh, yes. A pleasure.

- Sir Reginald? - Yes.

It's me. Look.

- Norman. - I've never seen you before.

Don't worry, my lady. We'll get him. No stone will go unturned.

Think hard. Try! Try!

Norman!

- The door. Quickly! - Hey! Where are you taking me?

- Help! - (Police whistle)

Ohhh!

(Norman) Lock it, Jeannie!

Sergeant, forward!

Oh, no, not in the carrier, you fool!

How dare you?

Men, seize that man!

And you keep off the grass!

Here they come, Jeannie. Keep him back.

You'll never get up here!

Ready, Jeannie? Now!

Got 'em!

Don't push.

Is it one of these new American dances?

Right, now, you lot. Are you going to give in?

- Have you any tear gas? - Yes, sir.

Oh, be careful with my Reggie.

Under the table. They're using tear gas.

- Try another one, Sergeant. - Yes, sir.

- Oh, well done, Norman. - Come on, then!

- Norman. Don't you remember? - No. Let me go.

Oh, let's have some more fun.

(Sobbing) Please, will you let me go?

Hey! Stay up here, Jeannie. Stay!

Well stumped, sir!

Hey, guv'nor, try this for size.

Well scored, boy.

What is going on here?

(Sobbing) An escaped convict, Colonel.

Do your duty!

After him, men. You too, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Have no fear. I shall cut off his retreat.

Ahh, I arrest you...!

(Thud)

Oh, my Reggie!

- Somebody clomped me. - I did, Sir Reginald. I'm sorry.

Norman?!

- I-I... - (Major) This scoundrel kidnapped you.

Kidnapped?! Idiot, he was the one who tried to save me!

- Save you? - Yes, truly!

There y'are! Told you so!

(Bells ringing)

(Laughter)

Argh! Uhh!

Oh, he's started. Little...