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www.titlovi.com
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All right, all right. I'm going to clean it.
I'm going to clean it.
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Keep all on. I must say,
they drive me around the bend.
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All right. Greetings, citizens, greetings.
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The prologue.
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Now, today is a big public holiday
in Pompeii, a big public holiday.
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It is the Festival of the Vestal Virgins,
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or commonly known as VV day.
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Now, please. Now, please, don't mess about.
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Oh, don't lower the tone of it already.
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Now.
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VV day. Now, every year at this time,
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we choose a maiden from among our womenfolk,
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a maiden who is pure in mind and body,
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a maiden upon whose fair skin
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man's hand has never set foot.
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Now, this lucky girl will receive a prize
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and she will be crowned
Miss Miracle of BC 72.
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Now, the prize she gets will consist of
1,000 drachmas, a week's holiday in Rome,
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and a night out with Mark Antony.
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Now, if after this, her status is unchanged,
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she will return home,
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and she will join the other vestal virgins
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in the temple.
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And I'm sure the both of them
will be glad to receive her.
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Now, in BC 72...
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- Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio!
- I was just working myself up, then.
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Oh, yes, master?
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Yes. Yes. Calm down, now.
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- I'm all out of breath.
- You're what? You're what, sir?
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- I'm all out of breath.
- I know, you're coming in short pants.
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He is. That's not a gag. That's not a gag.
Look, he is. Look.
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He should be wearing his long ones
this time of the year.
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There's a cold wind seething
round the acropolis.
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- No, listen, Lurcio. Listen.
- Yes, oh dear. Don't... Listen.
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Now, calm, master. Oh, dear.
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See, he upsets himself. That's the trouble.
- No, listen, Lurcio, listen.
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- Listen.
- Look, sit down, master.
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No, look, go make yourselves
a cup of coffee or something.
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He may go on like this for hours.
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- I'll call out when he's ready.
- Listen. No, no...
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Oh, dear.
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Have a good wheeze.
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He could do with a good wheeze about
this time. Actually, no, poor old devil, no.
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No, the trouble is, you see,
he's been overdoing it.
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Or perhaps I should say,
he's been over-trying to do it.
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No, the thing is, he's got this burden,
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he's got this additional burden
because he's been made
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the chairman of the committee that's got
to select these vestal virgins, you see,
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and he's past it.
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Oh, I mean, he's still...
He's still got an eye,
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he still looks at a pretty girl,
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but, you know, there's no fire in his eyes,
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they're all bunged up with clinker.
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What he needs is a good riddle.
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- Better, now, Lurcio.
- Ah, master.
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- Oh, Lurcio, I shall need your help.
- Yes, master.
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Well, you see, the master of ceremonies
for the Festival of the Vestal Virgins
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- hasn't turned up.
- Oh, dear.
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- There's nobody to introduce things.
- Oh.
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You will have to do it, Lurcio.
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Well, I can't do it, master.
I'm just going to do the prologue.
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Oh, well, I can't help that.
This is far more important.
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- Oh.
- Damnation! Damnation!
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Oh, it's that dreary soothsayer.
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Woe, woe!
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Poor soul, she's lost her horse. Whoa.
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Oh, what a dreary woman. What does she want?
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I don't know.
I know what she's likely to get, master.
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Woe is me. I have come
hotfoot from the temple.
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Yes, so I can tell.
Yes, I shall stand upwind of you now.
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The gods have given me a sign.
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Yes, they've given us one too, dear.
"No soothsaying this side."
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So please sooth off. Would you mind?
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The festival is doomed!
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No virgin will be found in Pompeii this day,
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and the gods will be angry.
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Fire and brimstone
will rain down on the city,
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the very ground will tremble,
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and all shall perish in the destruction.
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And that is the end of the weather forecast.
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Woe, woe, woe!
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Oh, silly old bag.
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She is. Mind you... Well, she can't
help it, because she's had this...
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She had this very unhappy marriage, you
know. Oh, yes. Her husband was a centaur.
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A centaur, that's...
Wait a minute and find out what it is.
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'Cause you could be wrong.
In fact, you are, missus.
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Now, listen.
A centaur is half man, half horse.
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And, you see, unfortunately with her,
poor soul, the top half was horse.
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No, don't laugh. It's not funny,
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because when he got
the bit between his teeth,
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there was no stopping him. And he wasn't
particular which bit of her it was, either.
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Lurcio, Lurcio.
What on earth was she talking about?
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No virgins to be found in all Pompeii?
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- Oh, why, it's absolute balderdash.
- Oh, I've never heard dash so balder, yes.
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I can think of quite a number.
Well, there's my friend Catulus' daughter.
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- Oh, a delightful child.
- Yes.
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Master, she's... The only thing is, she's...
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- No, no!
- Yes. Definitely.
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- Tut, tut, tut, tut.
- Yes.
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Oh, bags of tut, in the catacombs.
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Oh, no! Tut, tut, tut, tut.
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Oh, well, there's that fair girl
that lives down the road.
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- Do you know, the one with the big...
- But she's also got a big... You see.
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Yes, also down the catacombs. It's rife.
It's rife. -Oh, no. Tut, tut, tut, tut.
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Oh, no. What a terrible thing.
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Oh, well, anyway, I'm sure there will be
plenty of contestants when the day arrives.
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- Yes.
- And anyway, we mustn't forget
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my dear daughter, Erotica.
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Oh, no. No, don't forget her. Don't worry.
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She mustn't be overlooked, you know.
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Oh, don't worry,
she hasn't been overlooked, believe me.
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Oh, quite, quite.
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Oh, oh, Lurcio. Is that the time?
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Well, it's a bit fast, but it's more
or less... -Well, I must make haste.
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Yes, master. Master, look.
Must I do this job?
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Couldn't...
I'm sure the real emcee will turn up.
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No, not a chance. 'Tis said his ship
is foundered on the rocks.
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Oh, master.
No, the coast is clear, isn't it?
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- What's that?
- I said, the coast is clear, isn't it?
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Why, yes, come on up.
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Isn't it marvellous?
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A whole ship has to be destroyed
so she can get a laugh on her entrance.
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- It's only you, dear.
- Oh, my dear Ammonia,
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I trust you're ready for it.
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Why, Ludicrus, you haven't said anything
to me like that since our honeymoon.
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- Naughty.
- What?
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Oh, no, no, no! No, no.
I meant the Festival of the Vestal Virgins.
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You are coming, my dear, aren't you?
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- What?
- As a spectator, mistress.
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Oh, yes, of course.
I wouldn't miss that for anything.
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Good! Good, my dear.
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Ah, me. I can remember
the year I was chosen.
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What a remarkable memory.
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There's not many people
that can remember things
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that happened in their early childhood.
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Let's face it... Not that I'm suggesting
that she was promiscuous. Oh, no.
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But it's no secret that she was known
all around as Madeira
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because she was a piece of cake.
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The prologue.
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- Ah, we'll rest here for a minute.
- Hello.
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Hello, hello.
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Now.
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You see that dark one there?
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Now, that is Noxious.
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Noxious, he's the keeper
of the Ludi Puerorum club.
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That's "Boy of the Play" club.
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Funny place.
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The girls there all walk around
topless. Topless!
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Oh, yes. If you want to play,
you have to bring your own top.
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Thank you!
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Yes. Now, the other one next to him, there,
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the pretty, plump one, now, he's Piteous.
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Here,
what are we waiting for?
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You're wrong, it's a man.
Well, give a little, take a little.
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The thing was...
No, listen, you see, it's a sad story,
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because he was in this war in Britannicus,
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and unfortunately, he got a bit too close
to Boadicea's chariot,
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and it cut off his retreat. And he's...
You know, he's...
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Hello. They're up to no good, I'll be bound.
I must tell my master, Ludicrus.
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- Ask him.
- Excuse me.
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- Pardon?
- Excuse me.
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- Yes?
- Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus?
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00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:02,229
Yes, it is the house.
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00:09:02,310 --> 00:09:03,982
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
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00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:06,265
He's got a funny voice, hasn't he?
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I was just trying to be tactful, wasn't I?
I was trying to make him feel one of us.
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It's the last time
I shall help the underprivileged.
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00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:17,260
- Lurcio!
- Yes, master.
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00:09:17,350 --> 00:09:19,466
Oh, dear. I hope it's not catching.
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Ah, so that's where that old fool
Ludicrus lives.
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You mean the senator that wants to abolish
all bawdy houses like yours?
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Yes, but, please, try not to talk so much,
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you might strain something else.
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00:09:33,710 --> 00:09:36,827
Oh, I am going to get even with him today.
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I am going to make of him the laughing
stock of the whole of the Roman Empire.
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How?
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Well, you know that he is responsible
for selecting this year's vestal virgin.
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00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:50,187
- Yes.
- Well, I have discovered that so far,
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there are only two competitors
entered for it. -Yes.
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00:09:54,990 --> 00:09:59,268
Well, what I have done,
I have paid them to keep away, see?
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00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:02,183
And I've got two of my girls
to take their place.
183
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,825
But if they're your girls,
they won't be virgins.
184
00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:09,903
I know that, you old fool!
That's the whole point.
185
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:13,187
When those two girls get up
on that platform...
186
00:10:13,390 --> 00:10:15,984
Ah, never mind. Come on.
187
00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:19,983
- Lurcio, Lurcio.
- Yes, mistress. Coming, mistress.
188
00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:22,425
I have need of your services.
189
00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:24,785
- Oh.
- Lurcio, Lurcio.
190
00:10:24,870 --> 00:10:27,338
Lurcio, I tell you.
I tell you. I tell you...
191
00:10:27,430 --> 00:10:29,148
Yes, calm, master.
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00:10:29,310 --> 00:10:31,028
I tell you. I tell...
193
00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:33,829
We shall never finish this show
at this rate, will we?
194
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:37,664
I can't... I can't...
I can't find Erotica anywhere.
195
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,662
- She's not in her room.
- Oh, well, perhaps...
196
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:44,220
Perhaps she hasn't returned home yet,
master. -Oh, what time did she go out?
197
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,380
- Yesterday evening.
- Yesterday evening?
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00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:47,823
You see, it is catching, you see.
199
00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:49,662
"Yesterday"...
Up high, there.
200
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,583
You mean our daughter
has been out all night?
201
00:10:52,670 --> 00:10:54,820
It's all perfectly innocent, Ludicrus.
202
00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:59,859
She went on one of those night excursions
to Vesuvius to see the red hot lava flow.
203
00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,779
Oh, yes. You know who with, don't you?
204
00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:05,140
That young gladiator, Stupendous.
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00:11:05,350 --> 00:11:06,942
And you won't...
206
00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:12,508
You won't find a bigger red-hot lava
than him, I'm telling you.
207
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,865
Well, I can't wait any longer. No.
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00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:19,148
I must get down to the Forum.
You better wait for Erotica and bring her.
209
00:11:19,230 --> 00:11:21,983
Yes, I do so want her to enter
210
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:25,619
for the Festival of the
Vestal Virgins, you know.
211
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:28,178
- Come along, Lurcio. Come along.
- Yes, yes.
212
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,988
- Lurcio.
- Yes, mistress.
213
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:33,028
- Come and sit here a minute.
- Yes, mistress.
214
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,659
I don't want you to let Erotica
enter for the competition.
215
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:39,025
- What, for the virgin competition?
- No, I don't.
216
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:42,386
I don't really think she's suited
to that sort of thing, do you?
217
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:46,224
Oh, no, definitely not.
I mean, she's lost... She's lost the...
218
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:48,983
She hasn't... Well, I mean, what's the word?
219
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:52,904
She's... She hasn't got the...
220
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:57,541
She no longer has the...competitive spirit.
221
00:11:58,790 --> 00:12:02,146
Exactly. Well, it isn't
that I don't trust her, of course.
222
00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:04,061
Oh, no. Oh, no.
223
00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:07,699
No, but, well, then, she does know
an awful lot of young gladiators,
224
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:10,623
and I know what winning ways they have.
225
00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:14,385
Hear now the wise words of Plautus.
226
00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:17,303
It is a well-known fact,
that if all the girls
227
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:19,858
who went out with Roman gladiators
228
00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:21,861
were laid end-to-end,
229
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,020
no one would be at all surprised.
230
00:12:40,670 --> 00:12:43,548
Eyes down for a full domicile.
231
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:50,143
Moon and sun, 31.
232
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:53,188
Moon and sun, 31.
233
00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:56,508
Horn of plenty, number 20.
234
00:12:56,590 --> 00:12:59,900
Horn of plenty, number 20.
235
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,789
Scots and Picts, 66.
236
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:05,145
- Scots and Picts...
- Eureka!
237
00:13:05,230 --> 00:13:07,539
Eureka!
238
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,262
Blessings, my son.
239
00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:12,103
You have won a Grecian urn.
240
00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:15,421
- What's a Grecian urn?
- Five drachmas a day.
241
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:17,619
What...
242
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,420
What do you mean it's an old gag?
243
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:24,419
It was new in these days, remember that.
244
00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:26,785
Folks, we've come
to the main event of the day.
245
00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:29,259
Yes, it's VV time!
246
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:34,058
Judged this year by your own...
247
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:37,222
Your very own Senator Ludicrus Sextus.
248
00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:45,179
And introduced by that well-known
slave about town, Lurcio!
249
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:53,225
And for you, Lurcio,
tonight opportunatus knockus.
250
00:13:56,750 --> 00:13:59,264
Well, he's got a better part than I have.
It's not right, you know.
251
00:13:59,350 --> 00:14:03,025
It's a better part than I've got.
Now, thank you for that tumultuous welcome.
252
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:08,389
May I now introduce
the virgin competitors for this festival.
253
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:11,820
Will you please mount...er, the daeus?
254
00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:19,428
Only two? This is virgin on the ridiculous.
255
00:14:19,670 --> 00:14:20,659
"Virgin"...
256
00:14:20,950 --> 00:14:23,180
Please yourselves. All right.
257
00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:25,738
Will the first competitor
please step forward?
258
00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:28,708
That's it, now, don't be shy. Don't be shy.
259
00:14:31,110 --> 00:14:33,943
Now, tell me...
260
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:35,782
What is your name?
261
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:37,064
Tittea.
262
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,266
Tittea. How do you spell that?
263
00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,022
- With two "T's"...
- Oh.
264
00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:42,623
...but they're not pronounced.
265
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:44,268
- Pardon?
- They're not pronounced.
266
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,341
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
267
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,381
Now, Tittea. Tittea.
268
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:54,066
I want you to say,
truthfully and honestly...
269
00:14:54,150 --> 00:14:55,742
Answer a question.
270
00:14:55,830 --> 00:15:00,426
Now, are you pure and mind of...
Ah, I'll say it again...
271
00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:03,782
Do that bit again.
272
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,987
Now... It's a lot
to learn all this, you know.
273
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:11,422
Now... It's putting me off...
Turn that way, darling.
274
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:14,581
No bra or anything.
275
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,740
Now, tell me, Tittea...
276
00:15:19,430 --> 00:15:21,898
No, that's not right. It's not.
277
00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:26,306
Take seven.
278
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,786
Now, tell me, Tittea...
279
00:15:29,030 --> 00:15:33,228
Now, tell me, are you pure in mind and body?
280
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:35,781
Of course I am.
281
00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:44,023
- What on earth's happening?
- Oh, that witch was right, you see?
282
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,385
The gods are angry because the girl lied.
283
00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:50,099
Down with Ludicrus!
Get him out of the Senate!
284
00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,782
Down with Ludicrus!
285
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:54,430
Oh, now, please.
Let us deport ourselves with decorum.
286
00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:57,582
Oh, I'd like to deport you and Ludicrus.
287
00:15:57,670 --> 00:15:58,659
Deport! Deport!
288
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,059
Silence, silence, please.
There's been some mistake.
289
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,421
Will the second and last of the virgin
competitors please step forward.
290
00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:09,026
As for you, go home and wash your mouth
out with soap, you naughty Tittea. Go!
291
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:11,589
Forward, please. Now, don't be shy.
292
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:16,348
That's right. Now.
Are you sure we've got the right ones?
293
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,102
Well, I certainly hope so.
294
00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:20,021
Right, you can stop your motor, dear.
295
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,463
Now, tell me...
296
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,984
- Tell me, what's your name?
- Virginia.
297
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,901
Oh, that sounds more hopeful, doesn't it?
298
00:16:25,990 --> 00:16:28,140
Right. Now, erm, tell me, now.
299
00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:31,939
Are you pure... No, erm...
300
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,429
Let's rephrase this, shall we?
301
00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:34,863
Now, don't... Now, take your time.
302
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,622
I always do.
303
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:39,468
Oh, yes. Now.
304
00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:42,747
Is the ought that you
ought not to have ought...
305
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:46,505
Yes, and not been caught. No...
306
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:49,263
Is there ought that you
were not to have done,
307
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,183
had you been able to do it,
but said no at the time?
308
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,704
You see?
Now, you have 30 seconds to answer.
309
00:16:54,790 --> 00:16:58,100
Well, I don't need 30 seconds.
I'm a good girl.
310
00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:04,504
Down with Ludicrus! He's a fake!
311
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:13,224
Oh, dear.
312
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:14,299
Oh...
313
00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:16,301
Welcome to Dodge City.
314
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,021
Oh, what a disgrace.
315
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:23,342
My first year as chairman
and not a virgin to be found.
316
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:24,545
- Lurcio.
- What?
317
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:27,906
You must go straight back home
and bring my dear daughter, Erotica.
318
00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,628
- Your daughter, Erotica?
- Yes.
319
00:17:29,710 --> 00:17:31,063
What's the good of bringing her?
320
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,425
What do you mean
what's the good of bringing her?
321
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,148
Well, I mean, she's not a... I mean, she...
322
00:17:35,230 --> 00:17:37,664
Oh, how could I tell him? Poor old devil.
I mean, it's a bit awkward.
323
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:40,787
Come along. Come along, Lurcio.
Speak up, speak up.
324
00:17:40,870 --> 00:17:42,906
Well, you see, look
your daughter, Erotica...
325
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:45,345
- Now, human nature being what it is...
- Yes.
326
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:47,739
- ...and after all, accidents will happen,
you know. -Yes.
327
00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:50,583
Have you considered the possibility
that she might not be...
328
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,184
- Yes!
- ...at home?
329
00:17:53,950 --> 00:17:56,828
Well, in that case,
find another virgin somewhere.
330
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,789
I'll willingly pay 500 drachmas for one.
331
00:18:00,870 --> 00:18:02,701
500 drachmas.
332
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:05,021
500 drachmas.
333
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:08,308
Do you know, I could buy my freedom
with 500 drachmas?
334
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,618
Oh, dear.
335
00:18:09,710 --> 00:18:12,702
500 drachmas.
Now, where to find one, though.
336
00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:15,782
The Virgin Islands.
No, that's too far to go.
337
00:18:15,910 --> 00:18:18,947
Alice Springs. No, that's the trouble,
she always does.
338
00:18:21,190 --> 00:18:23,704
Cork. No, that gag's been cut.
339
00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:30,744
I suppose one of you wouldn't
care to volunteer, would you?
340
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:33,742
Is there a virgin in the house?
There must be one.
341
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:36,583
There must be one, now. Yes?
342
00:18:36,790 --> 00:18:38,860
- No! No!
- Eh?
343
00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:40,019
No, what? Why not?
344
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:42,988
It is a well-known fact that in those days,
345
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:47,507
audience participation was restricted
solely to putting their thumbs up.
346
00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:52,260
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
347
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:54,506
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
348
00:18:54,590 --> 00:18:56,148
What is the use?
349
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:59,745
I've interviewed every female
between here and the Forum.
350
00:18:59,830 --> 00:19:04,221
All I've got, so far, are ten peals
of thunder and 20 latchkeys.
351
00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:08,826
I don't know what to do.
I mean, you'd think, wouldn't you,
352
00:19:08,910 --> 00:19:12,983
there'd be someone
pure in mind and body, even here.
353
00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:15,867
Oh, cruel, cruel world.
354
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,429
Hello.
355
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:20,058
How dearly I would love to leave it.
356
00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:22,823
Ah, now this is my master's son, Nausius.
357
00:19:22,910 --> 00:19:24,389
Nausius is a strange boy.
358
00:19:24,470 --> 00:19:27,189
Oh, very strange.
Likes to write poetry, that's his trouble.
359
00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:31,183
Doesn't know what he wants to be:
He, she or it. Excuse me.
360
00:19:31,510 --> 00:19:34,468
Ah, young master, what's the matter?
361
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,302
Oh, Lurcio, I'm desolate.
362
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:37,459
- Are you?
- Desolate.
363
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:39,666
Why? What's amiss?
364
00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:41,303
A missus before marriage.
365
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,460
"A missus before marriage."
366
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:46,104
They get all the best lines.
I must have this stopped, you know.
367
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,420
- It's not right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, Lurcio.
368
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:51,070
I met this most beautiful young maiden.
369
00:19:51,150 --> 00:19:52,902
And now she pays me no heed.
370
00:19:52,990 --> 00:19:54,901
Pays you no heed?
371
00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:58,147
See, I've inscribed an ode to her.
372
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,063
Yeah, well, I thought
you might have done. Oh.
373
00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:03,660
"Ode To The Fair Malaria."
374
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:07,700
What a pretty name.
375
00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:10,823
"Oh, how my heart turns over
376
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,378
When e'er I see her pass..."
377
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,064
Oh, yes.
378
00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:17,578
Get ready.
379
00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:23,589
"Those lovely dimples in her cheeks
380
00:20:23,670 --> 00:20:26,184
And the others in her knees."
381
00:20:28,350 --> 00:20:31,422
- I was lost for a word to rhyme there.
- Yes.
382
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:35,468
You're the only one who was, I might say.
383
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:39,983
You see, you need more background material.
There you are, sir.
384
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:43,904
- Now she will have naught to do with me.
- Ah, no wonder you're cross.
385
00:20:43,990 --> 00:20:46,504
You see, naughts, crosses.
Naughts and crosses.
386
00:20:46,590 --> 00:20:49,582
Come on, don't doze off.
Come on, keep awake.
387
00:20:49,670 --> 00:20:54,141
Do you know why she's given me up?-"No,
why?" said he, turning into a straight man,
388
00:20:54,230 --> 00:20:57,381
for which I want to see the script writer
after the show.
389
00:20:58,230 --> 00:21:00,903
Why did she give you up?
390
00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:03,709
Because I wouldn't do what she wanted me to.
391
00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:04,984
Ooh!
392
00:21:05,150 --> 00:21:09,507
And what did she want you to do,
stop or not stop?
393
00:21:09,590 --> 00:21:11,820
- Oh, please don't joke about it, Lurcio.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
394
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:13,662
No, I don't understand girls.
395
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:15,706
- No?
- They only seem to want one thing.
396
00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:20,784
Well, judging... Judging from my inquiries
recently, they've been getting it, too.
397
00:21:21,150 --> 00:21:25,826
I can't seem to make them understand
that I'm just not that kind of a boy.
398
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,946
Oh... Oh.
399
00:21:28,030 --> 00:21:32,865
I see. Do you mean to say you've never,
sort of... Bit of, you know... Under...
400
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:35,418
You've never been in the catacombs for...
401
00:21:35,510 --> 00:21:38,786
I mean, you know,
you've never consorted with a girl?
402
00:21:38,870 --> 00:21:43,022
- Why, of course not, Lurcio.
- Well, not even the odd Sunday consort?
403
00:21:45,550 --> 00:21:48,223
Physical love belongs
to the blissful state of marriage.
404
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:50,426
- Yes.
- And I'm saving myself for it.
405
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:53,263
Yeah... He's strange, isn't he?
Isn't he strange?
406
00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:56,786
No wonder he's saving himself.
Nobody else would bother to, let's face it.
407
00:21:56,870 --> 00:21:58,462
Now, isn't it just my luck,
408
00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:01,622
the only person I find
pure in mind and body is a boy.
409
00:22:01,710 --> 00:22:03,223
I mean, it's...
410
00:22:06,470 --> 00:22:09,940
I wonder. It might work, you see.
411
00:22:10,030 --> 00:22:13,147
One of his mother's wigs,
one of his sister's gowns,
412
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:16,347
a bit of his father's sticking plaster.
And...
413
00:22:23,590 --> 00:22:25,387
I should be ashamed.
414
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:28,178
Who could tell the difference?
415
00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:31,946
Master, if you're besotted with this girl,
416
00:22:32,030 --> 00:22:35,420
if you're in love with this girl,
why don't you marry her?
417
00:22:35,510 --> 00:22:39,105
- Alas, I have no money, Lurcio.
- No money? Oh, how fortunate.
418
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:42,102
How would you like
to earn yourself 100 drachmas?
419
00:22:42,190 --> 00:22:43,509
- How?
- How, yes.
420
00:22:43,590 --> 00:22:46,388
Come into the building and I'll tell you.
Come inside.
421
00:22:46,470 --> 00:22:47,983
And I'll get 100 drachmas?
422
00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:51,301
Oh, if you play your cards right,
you'll get more than that.
423
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:55,658
You'll get a week's holiday in Rome
and a night out with Mark Antony.
424
00:23:00,990 --> 00:23:04,187
No, no. No, no, no. No, citizens!
425
00:23:04,270 --> 00:23:05,988
Citizens, please!
426
00:23:06,070 --> 00:23:10,222
There will be another contestant here
in a moment. I promise you.
427
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:12,824
You said that half an hour ago!
Where is she?
428
00:23:12,910 --> 00:23:14,821
Sir, sir, sir...
429
00:23:16,030 --> 00:23:19,306
Citizens, citizens.
We have a new virgin here.
430
00:23:19,390 --> 00:23:20,789
- Carry on, Lurcio.
- Yes, yes.
431
00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:23,464
Yes, a new competitor, and the last one.
432
00:23:23,550 --> 00:23:26,428
Now, citizens, I present to you
433
00:23:26,510 --> 00:23:29,388
the lovely, untouched-by-human-hand,
434
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:30,789
Delilah.
435
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,468
Come along, Delilah.
436
00:23:36,110 --> 00:23:37,782
Don't be shy.
437
00:23:38,230 --> 00:23:40,983
A warm hand for Delilah.
Now, there we are.
438
00:23:41,430 --> 00:23:42,624
Now, all right?
439
00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:45,787
Don't forget you promised
to have me away immediately afterwards.
440
00:23:45,870 --> 00:23:47,940
Yes, well, I'll do my best.
441
00:23:48,990 --> 00:23:51,185
Right. Citizens, pay attention.
442
00:23:51,270 --> 00:23:55,900
Now, Delilah, will you tell us
all in one accord
443
00:23:55,990 --> 00:24:00,586
if you are pure in mind and body.
444
00:24:01,590 --> 00:24:02,739
Yes.
445
00:24:05,830 --> 00:24:09,425
He's done it, or, rather, he hasn't
done it, if you see what I mean.
446
00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:13,222
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
447
00:24:13,310 --> 00:24:16,586
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have
to catch a matinee at the Colosseum.
448
00:24:16,670 --> 00:24:19,628
- So, will you excuse us?
- No, no. Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio.
449
00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,985
- What?
- I must present the award.
450
00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:23,903
- Ah, well...
- Yes, yes.
451
00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:26,902
As chairman of the Selection Committee,
452
00:24:26,990 --> 00:24:29,185
it is my proud privilege...
453
00:24:31,590 --> 00:24:34,343
My proud privilege
454
00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:38,828
to name you as Miss Vestal Virgin
455
00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:40,821
of BC 72.
456
00:24:44,230 --> 00:24:47,142
Oh, dear. He's been de-puffed.
457
00:24:48,270 --> 00:24:51,819
Honestly, you must feel
a right Charlie, don't you?
458
00:24:51,910 --> 00:24:54,060
It was the right Charlie, wasn't it?
459
00:24:54,590 --> 00:24:58,185
Oh, dear. Let's get out of here. Quick.
460
00:25:01,430 --> 00:25:03,819
Young lady, young lady.
I'm most terribly sorry.
461
00:25:03,910 --> 00:25:05,628
I can't think what happened.
462
00:25:05,710 --> 00:25:07,268
Well, you see, these things...
463
00:25:07,350 --> 00:25:10,342
Punctures happen in the best of circles.
So don't worry, master.
464
00:25:10,430 --> 00:25:12,898
The thing is, I'll get her home now.
You see?
465
00:25:12,990 --> 00:25:16,300
Yes. Oh, and she can't go home yet.
She has to go to the Temple of Vesta.
466
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:18,699
Oh, she can't.
I mean, she has to go home to feed the kids.
467
00:25:18,790 --> 00:25:20,940
- Feed the kids?
- The kid goats.
468
00:25:21,310 --> 00:25:24,108
Yes, she's a goatherd...
A goatherdess, aren't you?
469
00:25:24,950 --> 00:25:28,386
I can't help that.
The High Priestess has to initiate her.
470
00:25:28,470 --> 00:25:30,938
Oh, you don't want initiating, do you, dear?
471
00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:33,146
No, of course not.
It's against your religion, isn't it?
472
00:25:33,230 --> 00:25:36,506
Oh, no, no, Lurcio.
It's quite a simple ceremony.
473
00:25:36,590 --> 00:25:38,467
The vestals disrobe her,
474
00:25:40,070 --> 00:25:43,187
and then they initiate her
in the circumscribed manner.
475
00:25:43,270 --> 00:25:46,262
Oh, she had that done when she was a baby.
Didn't she? Yes.
476
00:25:46,990 --> 00:25:50,187
Oh, yes. No, look, I'll get
a chariot, master, a chariot,
477
00:25:50,270 --> 00:25:52,579
and you go and powder your nose
or something. Powder your nose.
478
00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:53,739
Excuse me.
479
00:25:53,830 --> 00:25:55,343
- Yes, I'll get her chariot.
- Yes, you get the chariot.
480
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:59,343
Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio,
she's gone into the wrong one.
481
00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:00,909
Yes, well,
482
00:26:01,230 --> 00:26:03,221
she's so pure, you see,
483
00:26:03,430 --> 00:26:07,469
she doesn't know the difference between
men and women yet, that's the trouble.
484
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:09,861
Ha! Now I can see daylight.
485
00:26:09,950 --> 00:26:13,909
Oh, excuse me, Senator. I could not help
overhearing what you were saying just now.
486
00:26:13,990 --> 00:26:16,220
- And we would be glad to be of help.
- Help?
487
00:26:16,310 --> 00:26:17,948
Yes!
488
00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:20,582
Yes, we have a chariot outside,
489
00:26:20,670 --> 00:26:23,264
and we would be glad to take
the young lady to the temple.
490
00:26:23,350 --> 00:26:25,818
Oh, no, no, I couldn't think
of putting you to that trouble.
491
00:26:25,910 --> 00:26:27,866
Oh, no trouble at all, Senator.
492
00:26:27,950 --> 00:26:29,906
A pleasure, in fact.
493
00:26:31,710 --> 00:26:33,621
Aha! There she is now.
494
00:26:33,710 --> 00:26:36,383
- Come along, my dear.
- Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no.
495
00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:38,062
But, tut, tut, tut...
496
00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:39,469
No, I can't. I can't think what's happening.
497
00:26:39,550 --> 00:26:41,620
Master, master. Now, I've got the chariot.
Has she come out yet?
498
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:43,428
No, no. She's gone to the temple.
499
00:26:43,510 --> 00:26:44,579
- Gone to the temple?
- Yes.
500
00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:47,503
Two men came and took
her off in their chariot.
501
00:26:47,590 --> 00:26:50,024
What? Oh, master, you can't.
502
00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,544
That was... That was Nausius, your son.
503
00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:53,858
Yes, yes, yes, I know.
504
00:26:53,950 --> 00:26:56,145
That maiden was Nausius, your son.
505
00:26:56,230 --> 00:26:58,221
Nausius, my son?
506
00:26:58,310 --> 00:27:01,143
In the Temple of Vesta? Oh, the disgrace.
507
00:27:01,230 --> 00:27:05,303
- Oh, what a terrible shock.
- What a shock for those vestals.
508
00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:11,459
When they start to circumscribe him.
Oh, dear. Now, let's go.
509
00:27:21,630 --> 00:27:23,666
There you are, my dear.
510
00:27:23,750 --> 00:27:26,389
Oh, you're going to have
a lovely time in there.
511
00:27:26,470 --> 00:27:28,586
All girls together.
512
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:32,139
- Ah. Afternoon, miss.
- Good afternoon.
513
00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:35,666
This is Miss VV of BC 72,
514
00:27:35,750 --> 00:27:38,105
with the compliments of Senator Ludicrus.
515
00:27:38,190 --> 00:27:39,623
Do come in.
516
00:27:42,150 --> 00:27:45,062
And if that doesn't finish him,
nothing will.
517
00:27:49,830 --> 00:27:53,459
Oh, dear. I hope I'm not too late
to save him.
518
00:27:53,790 --> 00:27:55,269
It's very tricky, this, you know,
519
00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:58,308
because no man is allowed to set foot
inside the Temple of Vesta.
520
00:27:58,390 --> 00:28:01,109
It's very difficult. Ooh...
521
00:28:01,230 --> 00:28:04,586
Ooh, look. Oh, look, look, look. Ooh.
522
00:28:04,750 --> 00:28:07,503
Look. All those lovely young vestals.
523
00:28:07,830 --> 00:28:09,309
What a wicked waste.
524
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,188
When you think of thousands
of hungry men all over the world
525
00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:15,147
could do with those.
526
00:28:15,230 --> 00:28:16,948
You see, all they have to do...
They look so bored.
527
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:19,544
They're so bored.
All they have to do is to tend the flame.
528
00:28:19,630 --> 00:28:21,461
Well, what can you do with a flame?
529
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:25,179
Nothing, except snuff it or trim it.
That's all you can do.
530
00:28:25,510 --> 00:28:27,421
Oh, poor souls. I feel...
531
00:28:27,510 --> 00:28:30,820
I mean, I feel I'd like to do
something for them, you know.
532
00:28:32,190 --> 00:28:36,627
Look, here. Look, look, look.
Look. Oh, don't push, don't shove.
533
00:28:36,710 --> 00:28:41,659
There's plenty of room for us all to look.
Look. They're starting the initiation ceremony.
534
00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:43,422
You see that blonde piece?
535
00:28:44,190 --> 00:28:47,580
That's the High Priestess
of the virgins, you see.
536
00:28:47,670 --> 00:28:49,865
She's a kind of shop steward.
537
00:28:51,670 --> 00:28:55,982
She does damn all herself and makes sure
nobody else does either, you see.
538
00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:58,026
Now, look. Oh. Oh, dear.
539
00:28:58,110 --> 00:29:01,785
Oh, they... Oh, I must save him
before they start bathing him.
540
00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:05,101
Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio! Oh!
541
00:29:05,230 --> 00:29:07,300
Oh, there. Oh, there, oh, there, oh, there.
542
00:29:07,630 --> 00:29:09,063
Oh, I'll say your line.
543
00:29:09,150 --> 00:29:12,460
Oh, Lurcio, I brought your...
My daughter here.
544
00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:15,223
Oh, master, have you?
What's the use of that?
545
00:29:15,310 --> 00:29:19,269
Well, what do you mean, "What's the use of
that?" I shall explain to the High Priestess
546
00:29:19,350 --> 00:29:22,387
and get her to take Erotica
instead of Nausius.
547
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,109
That is, unless he's been already exposed.
548
00:29:25,190 --> 00:29:28,546
- Oh, no, no. There's been no screams...
- Oh, yes?
549
00:29:29,230 --> 00:29:30,424
...of delight.
550
00:29:30,550 --> 00:29:32,188
Now, Erotica, my dear,
551
00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:35,785
before we go in, I must
ask you one question.
552
00:29:35,870 --> 00:29:40,148
I must ask you to answer me
simply and honestly.
553
00:29:40,230 --> 00:29:42,380
Oh, of course, Daddy, dear. What is it?
554
00:29:42,470 --> 00:29:43,949
Get ready for it.
555
00:29:44,030 --> 00:29:47,102
It's merely a formality.
556
00:29:47,190 --> 00:29:50,341
Are you pure in mind and body?
557
00:29:50,510 --> 00:29:52,740
Oh, why, of course I am, Daddy.
558
00:29:52,830 --> 00:29:55,060
Excellent. Excellent.
559
00:29:56,150 --> 00:29:58,106
Well, you could have fooled me.
560
00:29:59,830 --> 00:30:02,105
- Were you telling the truth?
- Yes.
561
00:30:02,190 --> 00:30:03,908
What about all those young gladiators?
562
00:30:03,990 --> 00:30:05,503
- Not one of those?
- No.
563
00:30:05,590 --> 00:30:08,024
Oh, they must all be one of those.
564
00:30:11,190 --> 00:30:12,703
No, wait! Stop, wait!
565
00:30:12,790 --> 00:30:14,860
How dare you enter this place?
566
00:30:14,950 --> 00:30:16,588
It is forbidden to men.
567
00:30:16,670 --> 00:30:19,138
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, High Priestess,
568
00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:22,825
but this is an emergency.
There's been a terrible mistake.
569
00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:24,861
- Mistake?
- Yes, you see,
570
00:30:24,950 --> 00:30:27,908
this maiden is not at all
what he seems to be.
571
00:30:27,990 --> 00:30:29,582
Er, what she seems to be.
572
00:30:29,670 --> 00:30:32,059
I mean he... I mean she... Oh, Lurcio!
573
00:30:32,150 --> 00:30:34,618
Yes. Madam. I mean, miss,
574
00:30:34,990 --> 00:30:38,107
you see, owing to
circumstances beyond our control,
575
00:30:38,190 --> 00:30:40,181
you've got the wrong one here.
576
00:30:40,270 --> 00:30:42,181
What do you mean? How wrong?
577
00:30:42,270 --> 00:30:44,386
Oh, very wrong, you see.
578
00:30:44,470 --> 00:30:47,223
Yes. As a matter of fact, you see...
579
00:30:49,790 --> 00:30:51,303
I see.
580
00:30:51,430 --> 00:30:53,068
And how did this happen?
581
00:30:53,150 --> 00:30:54,868
Well, you see,
582
00:30:54,950 --> 00:30:58,260
she was bending over the well, and...
583
00:30:58,350 --> 00:31:02,662
To draw some water, and unfortunately
she got a bit more than she bargained for.
584
00:31:02,750 --> 00:31:04,627
Oh, wretched girl!
585
00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:06,382
Yes, wretched girl. Yes, you see.
586
00:31:06,470 --> 00:31:09,428
Now, that girl, Erotica,
is the one you should have.
587
00:31:09,510 --> 00:31:10,829
- I see.
- Yes.
588
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,504
And how do I know this one is chaste?
589
00:31:13,590 --> 00:31:19,142
Oh, madam. Believe me,
she is as pure as you are.
590
00:31:19,230 --> 00:31:21,790
I am the High Priestess of the vestals.
591
00:31:21,870 --> 00:31:26,102
None can be purer in mind and body than I.
592
00:31:34,950 --> 00:31:36,747
Did you see that?
593
00:31:38,710 --> 00:31:41,224
The High Priestess of the virgins!
594
00:31:41,310 --> 00:31:44,268
There's a lying cow.
Would you believe that?
595
00:31:47,190 --> 00:31:48,862
It's the shock of my life.
596
00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:51,748
You could have knocked me down
with a meteorite.
597
00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:54,987
I'll bet she's been down the catacombs.
I'll bet you.
598
00:31:55,070 --> 00:31:57,948
I wonder who she's had it...
I wonder who she's...
599
00:31:58,270 --> 00:32:02,343
I wonder who it was. I'll tell you
one thing, it wasn't me, that's for sure.
600
00:32:05,270 --> 00:32:08,068
That's right. Tell...
Tell the whole neighbourhood.
601
00:32:08,150 --> 00:32:10,983
Oh, dear, you can't keep any secrets
here in Pompeii.
602
00:32:11,070 --> 00:32:15,109
Never mind. See you all next week.
Salute. Salute.
603
00:32:18,109 --> 00:32:22,109
Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com
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