Original subtitles

I'm sure she's a lovely girl, Mom,

but I have a strict policy against blind dates.

Yes, I know I'm not God's gift to women, but, nevertheless...

Oh, come on. How do you know

what she can suck through a garden hose?

Doesn't matter. The policy stands.

Okay, bye.

You know, while I applaud

your blind date policy,

I would encourage you

to consider a garden hose exemption.

I'm sorry, but you remember

the last time I let Mom fix me up.

Oh, yeah. The enema freak.

She was a colonic irrigation therapist.

Tomato, tomahto...

You still wound up

with five gallons of coffee up your keister.

Not a pleasant memory.

I can't remember it without chuckling.

These days, they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.

Are you done?

No. Wait. One more.

You had the venti nonfat "crappuccino"...

...with extra foam.

Mmm.

Okay, I'm done.

So what's wrong with the TV?

I don't know. I think that storm last night

messed up the satellite dish.

I'll call the guy on Monday.

That's your answer for everything.

"Call the guy."

Not for everything.

Often, I'll call the girl.

Course, there was the one time

that the girl turned out to be the guy.

Needless to say, I got a full cash refund.

Well, you don't have to call the guy this time.

You just have to adjust the dish till the signal clears up.

Which is what the guy will do on Monday.

But Jake is coming tonight.

Do you really want to listen

to him complain about the TV all weekend?

I can deal with Jake.

It's your whining that makes me want to hang myself.

Come on. Help me get the ladder.

I'll go up on the roof,

and we'll fix it in five minutes.

I have a ladder?

How did I get a ladder?

For the life of me,

I can't remember buying a ladder.

Well, apparently, you did.

But why? And how did I get it home?

I really couldn't tell you.

Did I rent a truck?

Who knows?

I'm telling you, we got a real mystery on our hands.

Yeah. It's a puzzler.

I'm going to go up and adjust the dish,

and you go look at the TV

and tell me when the picture improves.

All right.

I still think we should call the guy.

Forget the guy!

I'm the guy!

Charlie!

Yeah?!

There's a pair of panties up here.

Of course. The ladder.

Alan, mystery solved!

What?

Never mind.

Focus on the job at hand.

Are you watching the TV?

Yes.

How's it look now?

It's a little better.

How about now?

No. That's worse.

Move it the other way.

What?

There, there, there!

That's perfect!

What?!

I said, that's perfect!

Great! I'm coming down!

( screaming )

Did you say something?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

I told you.

We should have called the guy.

Aw. You want to flip me the bird,

but the poor little fella can't fly.

Just help me lie down.

There is a bright side here, you know.

Oh, really? Really? And what might the bright side be?

Handicapped parking?

Pity sex?

Oh, I can see there's going

to be no talking to you about this.

Oh, oh. Do me a favor,

and call Judith and tell her

not to bring Jake over.

How come?

Look at me, Charlie.

I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck,

two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills.

Does that spell "Weekend Dad" to you?

Well, actually, to me,

it spells "Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts."

But that's a whole other story.

Look, I got no plans for the weekend.

I could take care of Jake.

Bangkok?

It was the '80s.

A simpler time.

The dollar was strong.

Come on.

I was kind of looking forward to hanging out

with the little knucklehead. Let him come over.

But I'm not going to be able to help you.

What are you going to do all weekend?

I don't know. Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.

We could play chutes and ladders.

See, that's why I want Jake here.

He has a sense of humor.

Well, all right.

If... if you think you can handle it.

Don't worry. I got everything covered.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Is there anything I can do for you now?

Well, I got to pee.

Yeah. So?

So I can't undo my pants or... anything.

Where are we headed with this, Alan?

You said you'd help me.

I was thinking more like I could make you a sandwich.

Charlie... Hey, hey, hey.

I am not reaching into your pants.

What am I supposed to do?

Go stand in the surf.

Oh, come on.

Grow up.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom. Now, come on and unzip me.

Just like that? Right to it?

No dinner? No movie?

Charlie!

Hold on!

Coming!

* Men

Ah... ah... ah-choo!

Holy God!

( doorbell rings )

Charlie?

Can you get the door?

Charlie?

( doorbell rings )

Hang on!

Charlie!

Oh, great.

I think I just punctured a lung.

( doorbell rings )

( imitating Charlie ): "Don't worry, Alan.

I've got everything covered."

( doorbell rings )

I'm coming!

Ow!

You need to start your report this weekend!

Why? It's not due till next Wednesday!

I have plenty of time.

That's what you said last time.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

I think you're getting senile.

Watch your mouth, young man.

I can't watch it.

It's under my nose.

Uh... hello.

What happened to you?

Well, most recently,

I was hit in the head by a door.

But, before that, I was fixing

the satellite dish on the roof

and I kind of fell.

Why didn't you just call the guy?

Well, for God's sake, Alan,

how do you intend to look after him this weekend?

I am in excruciating pain,

but I appreciate your concern.

Oh. Well, you could have picked up a phone

and given me a heads-up.

Pick up the phone?

Judith, I needed barbecue tongs to take a leak.

Can you look after Jake or not?

Well, Charlie said he'd look after him.

Oh, like hell he will.

There is no way I'm going to let your degenerate brother

be responsible for my son.

JAKE: Oh, sure.

Don't ask me what I want.

Just boss me around like you're my boss or something.

Charlie will be fine. Have a good weekend.

Thanks.

You, too.

Can we go out to dinner tonight?

Do I look like I'm in any kind of shape to go to dinner?

I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

The answer is no.

Okay.

Then can we go to the video store

and rent the new "Final Fantasy"?

Jake, I hurt myself.

I'm in a lot of pain.

So? When I took a soccer ball to the nads,

I was in a lot of pain

and all my coach said was, "Walk it off."

Well, you can't just walk this off.

Not with that attitude.

Hey, there he is.

How's it going, buddy?

My life stinks.

Cheer up. You're still a kid.

It's going to get much worse.

Where have you been?

Taking a nap.

Why?

I find it refreshes me.

You said you were going to take care of everything.

Yeah. So?

So, while you were sleeping, I had to answer the door.

Do you realize how petty you sound right now?

Relax. Lie down. I got it covered.

No, you don't.

Nothing is covered.

It's all coverless.

Now, there's a life that stinks.

So, what's on the agenda? What do you want to do?

I want to go out to dinner.

Yeah? Well, I want my own talk show.

You'll eat what we've got.

Why can't we go out?

Alan, I can't deal with this.

Talk to your son.

That's it? You... you're done covering?

Well, I didn't know he was going be impossible.

Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here.

Keep yappin', and you won't be.

Charlie, just take him to dinner.

Why should I?

'Cause he's not going to shut up

till he gets what he wants.

That's true. I'll drive you crazy.

Yeah? Well, do your worst.

If we go out to dinner, there's nothing to clean up.

We're not going out to dinner.

You usually want to go out to dinner.

Not tonight.

You're not punishing me.

You're just punishing yourself.

Back off, bobblehead.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

We're not going.

Why not?

This conversation's over.

Not if I keep talking.

So where do you want to eat?

Clucky's.

What's Clucky's?

Zesty fire-roasted chicken

with Grandma Clucky's secret herbs and spices.

All right. Where is it?

There are several convenient locations.

Like where?

I don't know. I just sit in the car.

Well, I've never seen a Clucky's around here.

How about a pizza? No.

Burgers? No.

Sushi? Ech.

Italian? No.

Chinese. No.

Clucky's? No.

You're not even listening!

I mean, yes.

Clucky's.

Well, forget it.

I'm not driving all over this city

hoping to stumble across a Clucky's.

This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.

No kidding.

Where are we anyway?

It's called Watts.

Now hurry up and finish your chicken.

I like the Cajun Clucky's better.

Good for you.

Can I go back and get some Cajun Clucky's?

No, eat what you got.

But I like the Cajun Clucky's better.

Then why did you order the regular Clucky's?

Because I forgot I like the Cajun Clucky's.

Oh, just eat the freakin' chicken.

Fine.

Why do you say "freakin'"?

I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.

Eat. Don't talk, eat!

'Sup?

Gotta pee.

Charlie, get the tongs.

Charlie?!

( groans ): Oh, boy.

( imitates "William Tell Overture" ): * Gotta pee, gotta pee

* Gotta pee, pee, pee

* Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, pee, pee *

* Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, pee, pee... *

EVELYN: Alan?

I've got somebody who wants to meet you.

Not a good time, Mom.

Yes, I can see that.

Are you all right?

No, not really.

Oh, my poor baby.

Well, anyway, Mona, Alan.

Alan, Mona.

Hi, Mona.

Hello.

What happened to you?

I was fixing the satellite dish and I fell off the roof.

Oh. Why didn't you just call the guy?

Want to know why I didn't call the guy?

I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy.

Because you don't need to call the guy!

It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do!

And, yes, I know,

this idiot fell off the roof

but it was after I fixed it all by myself,

no guy!

Okay, the ice has been broken.

I'll just give you Mona's number

and you can call her sometime

when it's more convenient.

Come along, dear.

Do you just stay awake nights,

trying to think of new ways to embarrass me?

Still gotta pee.

Oh, God!

Oh, what the hell.

( sighs ): Ahh...

Oh, yeah.

The Cajun Clucky's is way better.

I'll notify Zagat's.

Hey, before stop at the video store,

can we get some ice cream?

Who said we're stopping at the video store?

I wanna rent the new "Final Fantasy."

Yeah, well, I want my $80,000 Mercedes

not to smell like chicken.

But life is full of little disappointments.

Okay, forget the ice cream.

We'll just stop at the video store.

Jake, I'm tired, I've got a headache,

I just paid a hundred dollars

to get my car back from the "chicken valet,"

and I want to go home.

Please.

I'm sorry, what part of "no" did you not understand?

The "nnn" or the "oh"?

How about if we just stop in front of the store,

I'll run in and get the video game

and you just wait in the car?

How about we stop by the video store

and I just stuff you through the return slot?

I wouldn't fit.

Try me.

Oh, come on, it'll only take a minute.

Look, Jake, you might be able to bully your parents

into doing whatever you want,

but when I say "no," that's it.

Okay. Then I guess I won't have a video game

to play this weekend.

Exactly. You'll find something else to do.

Right. It'll just be you and me.

They're all out of "Final Fantasy."

So get something else.

But I want "Final Fantasy."

Are you telling me that out of this entire store,

thousands of movies and video games,

there's nothing here that interests you?

You're not gonna like the answer.

I'm having chest pains.

You're giving me chest pains.

I bet they have "Final Fantasy" at another store.

You want a final fantasy?

Close your eyes

and imagine yourself flying across a freakin' video store,

'cause that's what's about to happen.

Again with the "freakin'."

Excuse me, but did I hear you say

you were looking for "Final Fantasy"?

I was about to return one.

You can have it.

Thanks. You're welcome.

He's really something, isn't he?

Oh, yeah, he's something.

Question is "What?"

I have a boy his age.

Single mom.

Single uncle.

Betsy.

Charlie. Jake.

Nobody asked you.

So, uh, Betsy,

maybe we can get the boys together

for a little play date sometime.

I don't want a play date with some stupid kid

just so you can have sex with her.

Isn't he something?

Yeah.

Um, well, it was nice meeting you.

Bye-bye.

What?

Are you happy?

Pretty much. You?

Oy.

( groans ): Agh. Agh. Agh. Agh.

Hello.

"Controlled substance.

Do not exceed one pill every six hours."

Yeah, right.

( groans )

Oh, what fresh child-proof hell is this?

Come on, you bastard.

Yes!

Ow.

What are we doing?

I'm taking you back to your mother.

( doorbell rings )

Why?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because you're no fun anymore.

Because the whole "isn't he cute" thing is over.

And I'll tell you something else:

if this is a prelude

to what you're gonna be like as a teenager,

then we've got a serious problem.

Whatever.

You see? You see, right there!

That attitude does not fly with me.

Whatever.

God, I hope that's the chicken.

( doorbell rings )

She's not home. Ha-ha.

Do not "ha-ha" me.

Never "ha-ha" me.

( knocking loudly ) Judith!

Come get your kid!

( banging )

Don't hide behind the couch!

I can see you, Judith!

( banging )

Ha-ha.

Uh-oh.

* Men

Hey, how 'bout some ice cream?

Sure.

Listen, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap chasing me.

Thank you.

Now, you know that I love you,

but we've gotta be clear on a couple of things.

I get that you're growing up,

that your body's changing,

that your emotions are in flux.

But the important thing you need to keep in mind

is that I don't care.

When you're in my house, when you're out with me

and especially when we're around women,

you will be adorable. Got it?

Shh, I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't shush me.

Never shush me.

Whatever.

Please be the chicken.

Pour me one of those, will ya?

You know, mixing those pills with alcohol

is a really bad idea.

Not if you're trying to die.

Hey, how many of those pills you got left?