All language subtitles for Top Gear - S08E01.eng

Tonight, I drive the
scariest car in the world.

James drives the least scary
car in the world.

And we all drive a car
with a monkey on the roof.

It is good to be back!

And now the thing is,

we realized that after three years
we had to make some changes,

to keep the show fresh
and to keep it exciting.

So we've got ourselves
a dog!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Here she is!

Yeah!

Good girl.

Yeah. She's fantastic.

She is, um, a labradoodle. So,
she's part Labrador and part poodle.

- Yeah. That makes her a hybrid.
- Yeah.

We were gonna call her Prius.
But that would've been cruel.

- And she would've eaten a lot more than we were expecting.
- Yeah.

So. You're not gonna believe
her real name, okay?

This is a work of genius.
Her name

- is Top Gear Dog!
- It's brilliant!

It's brilliant!

- And she's in park.
- Yeah. She is.

- She is in park most of the time.
- Yeah, she is.

The thing is, we've got the dog,
we've got the frankly brilliant name.

Few problems, firstly we don't
actually know what to do with it

now we've, um,
now we've got it.

Secondly, as it turns out,
she's completely terrified of cars.

They make her ill,
which is unfortunate.

And thirdly, she's not
very fond of James May.

- No, she vomited on him this morning.
- She did.

- All over him. Disgusting.
- Yeah, she did that.

Thing is though, don't worry. We are
still a car show and we have prepared

a montage of what you can
expect over the coming weeks.

I can see him! He's up there!

Come on, horse!
We're only going 28!

I wasn't expecting that!

Oi! Scallies.

Why can I not just
win something?

Full power! Full power!

Oh, God.

No! No!

No! No! No!

Ooh, I hit an iceberg.

- You did hit an iceberg.
- I did. I did.

You did.

All of that...
All of that is to come.

But we thought we'd kick things
off by taking a look at a new

convertible Nissan Micra.

It's possibly the most embarrassing
car in the whole of human history.

Yeah, so plainly the job of testing
it would go to whichever one of us

was most used
to being embarrassed.

And that would be the one who
spent the early part of this year

on daytime television.

Him.

Henry Mancini - The Pink Panther Theme.

Right. This is it.

It's called the C+C

and it costs £15,000.

Which is a lot.

But that's not my
biggest worry.

Okay. Here goes.

Yup.

Why, oh why

did we have to do this
round by where I live?

The roof takes 22 seconds
to come down.

Which feels like a long time.

But to be honest, you won't be
in a rush for anyone to see you.

On the plus side it has kept
most of its boot space.

Good for hiding in.

Now, as it is a town car,
we'd best find a town.

This is Ledbury.

It's been a safe
Conservative seat since 1910.

The Daily Mail sells four
million copies a day here.

The locals
don't like change.

It's also the place
where I do my shopping.

So, this is the top-of-the-range
Essenza version.

It's got a 1.6 litre,
108 horsepower engine.

It's good for
119 miles an hour.

But you wouldn't wanna
go that fast, because,

with the roof down this thing
wobles like it's made out of cardboard.

Nissan say
that it's "class-leading..."

Can't do any more.

I've done enough.

I just can't take it.

I'll leave it there.

It's not as though anyone's
gonna steal it, are they?

- Are you going to do daytime television again?
- No.

- No, I promise.
- No more daytime TV.

Not if driving that
is punishment! No.

How bad is it?

How bad? Look! Just look at
it! How bad do you think it is?

It just looks like a scrotum.

It's that embarrassing.

Thing is though, okay, they've
taken a tin-opener to a Nissan Micra.

They've recently taken a tin-opener
to the Rolls Royce Phantom.

In fact these days you can buy a
soft-top version of just about everything.

But nobody has ever made
a convertible people carrier.

Why not?

How hard can it be?

This is
a Renault Espace,

probably the best
of the people carriers.

Not that that's
much to shout about.

That's like saying,

"Ooh good, I've got syphilis, the best
of the sexually transmitted diseases."

Look at that!
Piddington. Says it all!

"I've got a people carrier.
I'm a bit of a Piddington."

Behind the wheel of a car like
this you feel like you're drowning

in wallpaper paste.

So we're going to see if
we can liven it up a little bit

by cutting its head off.

You see, the good thing
about the Espace is,

because it's got
a proper chassis

- and just a plastic body...
- Yes.

We can take the roof off and
theoretically it won't make it

- you know too weak and...
- Theoretically?

'Cause you've
done this before anyway.

- Yes, I have. It didn't go well.
- How not well?

Well, I took the roof off and
the whole car split in half.

- You see, that's very not well indeed.
- It snapped.

But this time, he is going
to be our project leader.

- I'm gonna in charge...
- And he had an ambitious plan.

This is my detailed engineering
drawing of what I think we can do.

Because it's a very long car, I don't think
we can make a roof that all folds into the

little boot area.

So what I've done is, I've
divided it up into two bits.

This bit at the back
is on a frame.

In the middle, I'm proposing
this removable hoop.

Can this be put up and taken
down in under, let's say, a day?

Yeah. Yeah,
a couple of minutes.

- No, two minutes is too long.
- Why don't I believe you?

The modern convertible
is a two-second job.

- My SLK.
- Yeah.

You're talking about
a camping holiday here.

Almost, but the point is...

You said you were an expert!

No. I never said
I was an expert.

I just had an idea.

What you've done is design an
awning that you can put over your car.

The next
squabble was over

the pathetic cutting tools
that James had provided.

- Perfect.
- You're quaking already with fear.

I'm not quaking
with anything. Honestly, I...

A chicken.
Anybody for the leg?

Ooh, it's a bit tough!

- You'd be surprised.
- It's stupid.

With our nanny-state spectacles
on, it was time to get cracking.

This mail-order carving knife
that James has brought is useless!

So, I left
Hammond and May to it

and went to rent
something a little more manly.

Ah! Now that's what
I'm talking about!

- You know what I've just thought of?
- What?

I'm cutting through the roof
and I'm standing on it.

- Yeah.
- We were hoping you wouldn't realise.

Now, the important thing
when cutting through the pillars

is to protect the glass.

I knew it!

I broke the window a bit.
Yeah.

I've done a bad thing there,
haven't I?

- Well, it's still convertible!
- Hammond.

- Yes? Yes.
- You see this window?

- That would've been fine. We don't need that one.
- You've broken one!

- We do need that one and you broke it!
- Yeah.

We now had to be extra
careful not to break any more.

Now, you're gonna
have to do this.

Hah! That was yours!

I didn't touch it!

- Yeah, you did.
- I didn't touch it!

- You did.
- You had the saw at the time.

With half the windows gone,
it was time to remove the roof.

- How we gonna...
- Well, it's plastic, it won't weigh anything.

So you grab that side.

- We ready?
- Yeah. Yep.

One, two, three, go!

What do you mean it doesn't
weigh anything? It weighs a ton!

It's like someone's
Espace has sunk!

That is cool!

- That's excellent!
- It looks brilliant!

You've sawn
through the sun visor.

And one of the seat belts.

- You know what I'm thinking now?
- What?

Yeah! Yeah!

This is brilliant!

I'm not joking! If anything, it's
better to drive than the ordinary one

because it still
feels as stiff.

But you've got,
look, the world!

We have made something
truly wonderful.

James doesn't look very happy.

- What's up with him?
- He's a bit freezing!

- Do you want the heater on?
- Shut up!

Put the heater on and see
if it makes any difference!

- I'll put it on warm.
- Ah! That's better. Thanks.

Now, though, it was
time for the tricky bits.

James was in charge
of the frame.

Hammond was
in charge of the fasteners.

And I had the tough job,

cutting and sewing the canvas.

You know you
want it 57 inches wide?

- Yeah?
- The material you bought is 55 inches wide.

No matter. My sewing
skills would compensate.

You never forget, really.
It's like riding a bicycle.

You never forget how to sew.

Oh, damn and blast!

What?
What have you done?

I've sewn myself
to the machine!

Don't!

James untangled me and asked
me to help create a hoop for his frame.

- You've got that bit perfectly vertical in that, right?
- Yup. Here we go.

This is the critical component
of the whole design.

- And then that goes at right angles?
- Yep.

Oh, you utter klutz!

Again. Top Gear,
ambitious, but rubbish!

This may
take some time.

Yes, and so we shall
pick that up later.

But now the news.

And we start with the
recent rise in petrol prices.

Yes, we do. I wanna start, if I may,
by talking about organic peace crisps.

- Eh?
- You know the organic ones? Yeah?

They're about 20p a pack
more than proper crisps. Okay?

The only difference is they've
been fertilized with the excrement,

human excrement
of a Mexican farmer. Okay?

- Right.
- No, that's true.

And nobody minds
paying the 20p a pack more.

But if petrol goes up 1p, everyone
runs around waving their arms in the air.

- Fair point.
- And the thing is this, okay?

If you buy those crisps, the 20p
goes to the Mexican sewage industry.

If you buy petrol

the money goes to the Government
who spend it letting out foreign prisoners

so they can stab people.

Well, that's the
way I see it.

Can I talk briefly about
these four-seater cabriolets?

Ordinary four-seater cars
that've been turned into cabriolets.

They've never worked with those
metal folding roofs. And the reason is...

Well, if you look at them,
they're a bit ungainly.

- Things like the Peugeot one, the Renault Megane one.
- They're French!

No! The reason is...

No, the reason is they
had to try and minimise

the amount of roof that
you had to fold away.

To do that they extended the
windscreen back halfway along the car

so they look ungainly.

No, it's because they're French,
and the French always like to be first.

They didn't know how to do the
roofing. It's like the French did that

first face transplant.
You know.

- Yes.
- -We don't know what we're doing.

We have the bottom of
a baboon, we'll put it on.

There we are. It's a face!
Well, we're first.

Either way, with your theory.

The point is VW think they might have
cracked this four-seater, metal, folding

roof cabriolet thing
with the Eos.

We have a picture of it. Now.

You see, that looks great!

And the reason it looks great is that
the roof doesn't extend all the way back.

Look, that's a handsome car.

It is, I'm looking forward
to driving that.

It costs about
£19,500 to 26,000.

You can get a 3.2-litre V6.
For sale in July.

- Jeremy? Did you, uh...
- Yeah?

Did you come here
in your GT today?

- No.
- No!

- Did you decide to leave it at home this week?
- Yeah!

You know perfectly well
why I'm not in my GT today.

So you left...
Is it at home?

No! It's at the menders!

Now, the thing is, okay, all the stuff
that was put on in England went wrong

as we knew before, okay.

One of the things they
supplied was the trickle charger.

Put it away in the garage
in October. October 4th.

On October 5th, it seems
the trickle charger blew up.

So the battery wasn't being charged.
When I came to start it, it wouldn't start.

Got a new trickle charger.

Six weeks later, this morning.
Right, here we go.

Alarm came off perfectly.
All the lights came on.

Pushed the button to start
and all that started

was the rear
right-hand indicator.

We're not laughing.

- That start button. Have you ever thought of writing...
- Yeah.

"This is only the..."

- "Start of your problems!"
- Yes.

The thing is, I've...

I think I'm right in saying,
I've never completed

a single journey anywhere
there and back in it. Ever.

Which must make it the
most unreliable car ever made.

In fact, if you've got
a more unreliable one,

why don't you
write to us at...

"Actually I've got a Peugeot."
BBC Top Gear.

201 Wood Lane
"London W12.

There's a man with a Peugeot!

Skip on down!

Bad news. Bad news.

While we were off air, some
environmentalists broke into our track...

Oh, yeah.

And attempted to make, well,
their own version of Top Gear.

- Yeah.
- Now, we've managed to obtain their rushes,

their footage, and we'd like to show you
what they came up with, if we may here.

Here's their chief presenter.
He's a chap called David Cameron.

Green pressure group
called the Conservative Party.

That is the host, look.

That is our track. He's
getting into a Ford Focus.

- With "Bio-Ethanol" written on it.
- Yeah.

And away he goes.

He's going into the
Hammer Head.

He must be doing
16 miles an hour now.

- It's not very good this show, is it?
- No!

I don't think the environmentalists
have quite got the hang of it at all.

- Oh, look, he's got an invalid carriage!
- Oh, dear.

There's someone in it,
showing him how it works.

That's the rear-view mirror.
You'll need that.

There'll be loads of
stuff behind you mate!

He's off. In his electric car.
Oh, no!

He's turned the indicator on. I wouldn't
do that. You'll wear the battery down.

No... Yes... He's doing...
Wait a minute. What's wrong?

Oh, it's out of juice. Told him
not to use the indicator. You see.

A professional would've
known that.

Wait a minute. He's being pursued
here by a woman in suspiciously flat shoes.

What she wants to know is whether
the reason he came to the Top Gear track

was to send a message
to Top Gear.

Jeremy Clarkson is actually
my neighbour, in my constituency.

We live next-door to each other.
We agree about many things.

But I'm afraid the environment
isn't really one of them.

You can say that
again, sunshine!

- Wasn't very good, that was it?
- No, it wasn't.

- _Wasn't good at all.
- I don't think they got the hang of it.

Hey now,
have a look at this.

This is a Saab concept car.
It's called the Aero X.

I think it looks actually
pretty good. Would you agree?

Yeah, no,
it does look fantastic.

And it's got, they say,
the canopy of a jet fighter.

That's not needed. The only reason
to have a canopy on a jet fighter

- is so you can see MiGs behind you.
- Yes.

They're not gonna come at you
out of the sun on the M4, are they?

Exactly. Exactly. That's
the nature of my complaint.

None of this stuff
ever gets made.

It's all lies, isn't it?

- Do you remember that Honda Civic concept car?
- Mmm-hmm.

They said this thing is gonna
have triangular exhaust pipes

and the door handles were
gonna be like space rockets.

They said it was
gonna be marvelous.

But guess what? It is.

This? This is
something different.

Yes, it has a normal engine.

And, yes,
it has four normal doors.

And a normal hatchback.
And yes, it's made in Britain.

But look at it.

I was expecting
a '60s tower block.

And they've given
us the Guggenheim.

Look at these headlights.

And this Honda badge inside
a Perspex trophy cabinet.

The back end also looks as
though it's come from outer space.

And like I said,

the door handles look like the
rockets that'll take you there.

And this is a Honda Civic.

Inside, they've continued the new
tradition of breaking with tradition.

This dashboard
is really groovy.

You've got a huge rev counter
with a mystical blue halo around it.

It even tells you,
look at this.

Whether or not your kids in the
back have got their seat belts on.

And even that hazard warning
button is a thing of beauty.

It's translucent
and looks like a boiled sweet.

They're the sort of features
you used to find in Citroens

during their magnificent
quirky era.

But as this is a Civic,
they probably won't fall off.

You just know that you'll still be
enjoying this when you're as old as...

Well, as old as
most Honda drivers are.

Now, this is a car
you might actually buy,

so forgive me while I take a moment to
deal with some real-world road test stuff.

Prices. This is
a mid-range 1.8.

It costs around £15,000. That's
about the same as a Ford Focus,

a bit less than
a VW Golf. Fine.

The 1.8 petrol is reasonably quick
in a straight line as is the 2.2 diesel.

And they both seem to be able to
go around corners without crashing.

The ride. Once you start going
faster, it just gets a bit too choppy.

And, frankly, it could do with
a bit more sound insulation.

I mean, I like an engine
as much as anybody.

But I like it to be a fizzy V6
handcrafted in Italy.

This.

That's a rather dreary
four-pot from rainy Swindon.

But these flaws aren't enough
to put me off

because Honda has had the courage
to keep the fabulous stuff we liked

when we saw this
as a concept car.

These fantastic triangular
exhausts, for example.

And then there's
the big, red starter button.

I know it doesn't sound much,
but if you come out of a Little Chef

on a wet Wednesday afternoon and
you have to go to a marketing conference

that could just be enough to make you
think, "No, I won't kill myself after all."

What this car does is something
that the old Civic could never do,

something a Golf or a Focus
or an Astra can't do either.

Let me put it this way, the space
shuttle only does a job and it's white

but you'd never call it
a white good.

Right, we've already said
hello to our new dog

and as you can see,
we have a new studio.

But now it's time
to say a very sad farewell

to our reasonably priced car.

Yep. Sorry, but after
1,600 laps of the track,

10 of which with Johnny Vegas
at the wheel...

It's been through 400 tyres,
400 brake pads,

six clutches, two gear
linkages and a wing mirror.

And now I'm afraid it's time
to put the old Liana out to stud.

Yes, it is. But let's meet the
car that will be replacing it.

Anyone want to guess
what it is?

- What do you think?
- What do you think?

Shout out.

- Chrysler.
- A what?

A Chrysler, no.
Not a Kia. It is in fact...

We got ourselves a Chevy!

- We have. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- No!

I think they think
it's a Corvette.

- They think it's a Corvette.
- No. It's not a Corvette.

Or a Camaro. But, hey,
here it is. The new car.

You know it as
the Daewoo Nubira

- but it's not, it's a Lacetti.
- Look at that!

£10,000 worth of
Korean reasonableness.

1.8 litres.
119 brake horsepower.

Top speed... I know!

Top speed, a dizzying
121 miles an hour.

- Mmm-mmm.
- So it's more powerful than the Liana

and, of course,
faster than the Liana.

Which means our old celebrity
lap time board is now redundant.

Yeah, so we got
ourselves a new one.

And to get some
names and some times

on it straightaway we're not
having a star guest this week.

Instead, we hosted a sort of drop-in
coffee morning for lots of them.

Richard and I arrived early to
set up the coffee and the cakes.

- That's coffee and tea, yeah?
- Yeah. Two sorts of jam.

- Right, all we need now are some celebrities.
- Yeah.

Is it gonna be
like Love Island?

You know,
where they're all only famous

'cause they once bought
a car from someone

who lived in
Anthea Turner's old house?

No, no, no,
I've invited everyone in here.

Every single person in here
has an invite.

- We're not gonna have enough biscuits, mate.
- No, it'll be fine.

Our first guest
was a bit of a surprise,

because we had no idea
who he was.

- Who is he?
- Haven't got a clue.

- Don't tell me you don't know.
- No idea.

- You can say hello.
- Hi, how are you?

- Welcome to Top Gear.
- Thank you very much.

- This is Richard.
- Hi.

- Hi, Richard.
- So...

So... Done anything
like this before?

- No, I'm a complete novice really at this.
- Really?

Desperately we fished for clues
which would give us a name.

So what are you up
to these days?

I'm starting a bar
and restaurant in Spain

and trying to wean myself
off television work.

- No! Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

- You sound disappointed.
- No.

- You do quite a lot of driving, don't you?
- Yeah.

- I enjoy driving.
- Yeah.

This was hopeless so we bunged him
in with the Stig for a few practice laps.

I mean he's only got
a Mercedes 200D

so it's not like
he's a multimillionaire.

What am I gonna
write on the board?

As the well-spoken man
pounded round the track,

a celebrity we'd had on
before turned up.

How are you?
I'm very well.

Alan Davies.
Alan. Alan, Alan.

Alan Davies.
Come along, please.

As Hammond welcomed
the famous Alan Davies,

I explained the new rules
to the well-spoken man.

Now, in the past, okay.
People who came down here

did five or six laps, okay?

Practice laps.
And we took their best time.

- From out of the five.
- From out of the five.

That's not happening any more.
What's happening now is

- you're gonna get five practice laps, okay?
- Right.

Five. And then on your sixth
lap we get the stopwatch out.

- Is that okay?
- Fantastic.

So that's it.
You spin off, tough.

Three, two, one! Go!

Best of luck.

Whoever you are.

Here he comes up to Gambon!

Yes, he's still aggressive.

Crossed the line.

I am going to put your time
on the board.

Oh, gosh, how embarrassing
this is gonna be.

Not as embarrassing
as it is for me.

- Where do you think you've come?
- Oh, God, I don't know.

I don't...

- The fastest lap you did was your timed lap.
- 6.

Yeah!

- Congratulations.
You're in the lead.

- You are in the lead.
- Thank you for being so generous.

Then it was Alan's turn and
he really was giving it his all.

Look at him! Wrestling to stay
in control of the powerful Lacetti.

And when he lost it,
it really scared him.

- Oh, my God.
- That's a crash. Oh!

Whilst he was
gormlessly pounding round,

another former guest
turned up, actor Trevor Eve.

Hello.

I said that's tea,
it may not be.

We're doing well.
So far we've got Alan Davies,

- who's out there as we speak.
- Yeah.

- And there was a man and we don't know who he was.
- Very smart.

The last time Trevor had been on
the show, he'd had a bit of a disaster

when the wheel came
off the Liana.

And this time, while on his
fourth and final practice lap...

I broke this one as well.

What have you done to it?

The clutch has gone.
It's only done 26 miles.

And life for the Lacetti
wasn't about to get any easier.

- New studio?
- New studio.

- But more importantly new car.
- I love what you've done.

The Prince of Darkness
had arrived, Jimmy Carr.

Dressed like an old man,
jeans and a jacket.

Should have greyed up
my hair as well.

That's Trevor Eve.

Oh, my God!

- He seemed a bit angry.
Are things okay at home?

Trevor was ready
for his timed lap.

This is the handbook
for the car.

Use the following precautions
for the first few hundred miles.

Avoid full-throttle starts.

So let's take stock.

Alan had done a 1:50.3.
And as for Trevor Eve?

- Where do you reckon?
- Oh, here we go.

He really, really
missed one, eh?

You were a 1:48.

- Passable in the Suzuki Liana.
- Yeah.

- You did it in one minute... You 1:47.6 to beat.
- Yeah.

One minute, 40...

Seven...

Point...

Zero.

- You are at the top of our new board, Trevor Eve.
- Very good.

For how long, though?

Shouldn't be a problem.

While Jimmy was limbering up,
our next guest arrived.

Justin
out of The Darkness.

- There you go.
- I'm freezing.

When the sun's out
it's a beautiful day.

I feel our garden party's
working well.

Meanwhile.

And he wasn't finished yet.

Uff.

What you're doing, Jimmy,
is slowly destroying this car.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And we don't know how many
other celebrities might arrive

this afternoon that wanna go and
we'll have to say, "Car wrecked."

I'm having a little cry.
My name's Richard.

Three, two, one.

Go!

Well, that happened again.
It's over-firing.

I'm moving back.

As a former lap board leader,
Jimmy couldn't afford to lose it.

This is it,
second to last corner.

He's lost it.
No, he's got it back!

He's lost it. He's held
it. It's huge! It's huge!

Oh, she's gone!

He's gone on his timed lap.

- That's cost him.
- Cost him dear.

That is...

I think I'm in
with a shot, Jeremy.

You did it

in the slowest ever time,

two minutes, 8.9 seconds.

Well done, Jimmy Carr,
that's brilliant.

- Jimmy Carr, you're down there.
- Truly hopeless.

It's not a good car,
that's what happened there.

While one rock god
was practising...

Jeez!

...another one arrived,
Rick Wakeman, no less.

If we'd have known
Rick was coming,

I'd have got dry ice
for the whole track.

Justin was giving it all
on his flying lap.

But I'm afraid we'd become distracted
by our very own concert in the park.

Pray, damn you, pray!

I'm in the '70s!

I'm in the '70s!

Yeah!

And, for an encore.

- Do you know Les Ferdinand?
- I know of Les Ferdinand.

Les Ferdinand, Justin Hawkins.

Nice to meet you.

1:48.4.

- There you go.
- That's not bad.

That is there.

Up next, rock god senior.

Rick Wakeman's just announced
he's had several heart attacks in his life.

Watch it, Rick, watch it.

Oh! He could let go
at any time.

Now Rick's keyboard solos
are known for being quite long.

But they were nothing
compared to his lap.

The problem is, he'll be all
over the dashboard like this.

Yeah.

And through Gambon
on all four wheels.

Rick eventually did it
in 1:55.3,

and then suddenly remembered
that a Les Ferdinand goal in 1992

had relegated his beloved
football team, Man City.

Rick, you've got to
let it go, Rick.

You ran the whole length of the
pitch, you bloody well beat everybody

and scored a fantastic goal and I've
never been so pissed off in my entire life.

Then Rick wanted
one of our lady biscuits.

Three of the lady's cakes
have gone. Can I ask, um...

It was him.

Things were getting
out of hand.

Oh, you pillock! We'll
have to ask for that back.

Do you think that man's
wondering what's going on?

Thanks.

So far, Trevor Eve had set
the fastest time of the day.

Les was now the only man
who could beat him, and boy,

was he on a mission.

Everybody, can you be ready?

If he loses it on
the second to last corner,

he's gonna drive
straight through the tea tray.

Wait. This is quick.
No, it's too quick!

- That was rally driving.
- Yes, it was.

I wanted to be up there.

I'm not sure I've done it.

You've got 1:47 to beat.

One,

40...

- Seven...
- Oh, you're joking!

- Point four.
- So if I hadn't gone off there I'd have smashed that.

- You'd have smashed it.
- I would have smashed that...

- That was a good time.
- It was a good time.

But he's never
going to be happy with it.

I'm not happy. Don't clap
for me. Don't clap for that.

He's going to play
something suitable.

Does that make you
feel better?

I'm just gonna sulk off
and walk down there.

That's the walking away music,
isn't it?

He's never, ever going to...
Look.

This is now weird.

Bit difficult to tell, really,
after a day like that,

but we think that the new Lacetti
may be around a second a lap quicker

than the old Liana.

But we'll find out
for certain next week

when the star in a reasonably
priced car feature returns to normal.

Anyway, enough of that.
It's time for diesel news!

Now, this is a JCB.

It's powered by
a four-cylinder diesel engine

which develops round about
125 brake horsepower.

And then of course gives it
a top speed of 6mph.

However, they've now
taken two of those engines,

they've spanked them up
to 750 horsepower each

and they've put them both
in that.

Yes, this is the Diesel Max.

And it's JCB's attempt at breaking
the world land speed record

for diesel powered cars.

Now this JCB isn't gonna be driven by a
bloke in a vest with his bum crack showing.

It will in fact be driven by the current
absolute world land speed record holder,

Wing Commander Andy Green.

Who, from the size of the thing, in
order to get in, he must be about six.

Indeed. And assuming
he does get in,

they're going to take it to the
Bonneville Salt Flats in America,

where they are going to be
attempting to crack 300 miles an hour.

And if they do do that, they'll dig it all
up so that no-one else can have a go.

Enough. I've an
announcement to make.

On April 14, at precisely
3:00 in the afternoon,

I bade farewell to the
greatest love of my life.

I gave up smoking.

And don't we know it!

I'm calm, I'm calm.

And you see the thing is, okay, there
are a number of products on the market

to help get over
the craving, okay?

There's this chap
who helps himself

to everything in your wallet
every time you want a fag.

There's DVDs, there's books,
there's gum, there's patches.

But the thing is I have now found
the greatest cure for the craving.

It comes from Sweden and
it's called a Koenigsegg CCX.

The first Koenigsegg
was quite a car.

It still holds the record for the
biggest speeding ticket ever issued.

242 miles an hour
in Texas.

Road tested that car
a couple of years ago

and it was a nightmare
for our camera crews

'cause they couldn't keep
up with it in the panning shots.

And I don't think they're gonna
like this one much either 'cause, um,

it's even faster.

The old car topped out on
our runway at 174mph.

So let's see what
this one can do.

0-60, 3.2 seconds.

I'm already at 158.

175, 178, 183,

188, 190.

It's getting awfully edgy.

Oh, my God, it's swerving!

It's really... This is bad.

What a machine! That's quicker
than anything that's been here before.

Given enough space, this
will get to 250 miles an hour.

And that puts it awfully close
to the Bugatti Veyron.

There are three main reasons
for this.

It's very light. The whole car
is made from carbon fibre.

It's also very slippery. It has
the drag coefficient of a fish.

But mostly, the oomph comes
from under the bonnet.

The old car had a Ford engine which
developed 655 brake horsepower.

This one has an engine
made by Koenigsegg themselves.

It's a twin-supercharged
4.7-litre V8

and it develops
806 brake horsepower.

806 brake horsepower.

That's about that much.

And that's on that limp-wristed
fairy liquid, the Americans call petrol.

If you run this on the more explosive
jungle juice we have here in Europe

you'll be getting 850bhp.

Oh, and I'll give you
a little tip.

If you tune this engine to run on
environmentally friendly bio-fuel,

you'll be getting
900 brake horsepower.

Should get Bill Oddie
one of these.

For the first time in weeks,

I can put my hand on my heart right
now and say, "I don't want a cigarette."

I just want more of this!

Who needs nicotine?

The sound is just astonishing!

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for,
"Oh, no! My head's just exploded!"

And in here,
no one can hear you scream.

It really does
beg a question,

why have they fitted a radio?

You couldn't even hear
Chris Moyles on that.

The reason why
it has a radio is

the same reason why this new
car is slightly taller than the old one,

because it's supposed to be
easier to drive and easier to live with.

You still get the mad doors
that open vertically.

Although you want to make sure you don't park
alongside a tall kerb for obvious reasons.

And you still get this roof which lifts
out so that the car becomes a convertible.

Inside, you still get
the Blake's 7 controls,

but because it's now taller, even
Dennis Rodman could fit behind the wheel

and experience the terror.

And I do mean terror.

I mean, this develops more
than 800 brake horsepower,

but there's no rear spoiler to push
those massive rear tyres into the road.

There's no
traction control either.

And the rear window
is just, um...

It's just a porthole, so you
can't see what's behind.

Still, the time has come
to show it some corners

and see what's what.

Unlike any other supercar,
a Ford TT or a Zonda or

even an Enzo,

this doesn't feel
sanitised or tame.

It's just completely
wild and mad.

It's raw, vicious,
unbridled power.

And if you overstep the mark,
even slightly, it'll kill you.

The old car was very, very
fast and very difficult to drive.

This is even faster and still
very difficult to drive. Whoa!

Koenigsegg say this is more comfortable,
but more comfortable than what?

Being stabbed?

God, it's fun, though!

In recent weeks,
a craving for nicotine

has made me angry
with everything, even trees.

It's just completely
the wrong colour.

What's this? It's a twig.
Why? Why is it there?

Look at it!

But here with the Koenigsegg, I
have found a substitute for smoking.

It's called smoking!

Grown-up car with no roof.

So, come on, then, how much
is this giant nicotine patch?

£415,000.

So it is quite a lot cheaper
to smoke?

It's safer to smoke as well.

You know I've been banging on about
the rear wing on the back of it, okay?

You don't need a rear wing on
the back of your Vauxhall Corsa.

- No, you don't.
- Or a Ford Fiesta but a car like this,

I think really does need one,
something to push the back end down.

Anyway, we must now find out
how fast it goes round our track,

so we must hand it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that his ears aren't
exactly where you'd expect them to be,

and that once, preposterously,
he had an affair with John Prescott.

All we know is
he's called The Stig.

Away he goes and this car really is within
a shout of setting a new lap record here.

Does sound a bit like
The Stig's short-shifting,

but they have taken off
the rev limit.

He doesn't want
to lunch the engine.

First corner there.

Ooh! You see, the back's
stepping out already,

but he's on it in a moment.

Do you have a map?

That should explain Stig's new in-car
entertainment is languages for beginners.

And this week, it's Italian.

Holding that.
Chicago nicely done.

Spit of flame.
Here's the Hammerhead.

This could be where
it all comes undone.

No, no, he's holding
onto that beautifully.

Snap of over steer
on the way out.

Now he can
really open the taps.

An ice cream, please.

Over 800 horsepower charging up towards
the tyre wall. This should be quick.

Come on, Stig. Keep it on,
keep it on. Oh-ho! Looking good!

Two corners left. Don't
throw it all away here, Stig.

You've got the Zonda to beat.
Zonda's in sight.

Only Gambon left.

Hard on the brakes,
turn in,

flick of opposite lock
and across the line!

- So? Does it?
- So?

Okay.

It has got
the Zonda F to beat.

That's 1:18.4.

Gotta know. Come on.

And it did it in 1:20.4.

Right down here.

You see, all that power, but
without the down force, there it is.

CCX, that's the difference.

- Yeah, correctly spelt.
- Yeah. The quicker one.

Do you know, I think
the only time that Zonda F

is going to get knocked off
the board, is when Bugatti

finally let us put
a Veyron round our track.

You say that,

but having posted this time,
Stig said, "You know what?

"I reckon if
I don't short-shift

"and I'm a bit more brave
in the corners,

"I reckon I can go
faster than that."

- Who'd like to see that attempt?
- Yes, please.

Yes!

Play the tape.

Right, he's off again
and this is the one. Okay.

Into Chicago, he's really,
really piling it on through there.

Look at that.
So beautifully controlled.

Hammerhead. Feeling for grip.

I've gotta say,
that does look faster.

Now, go on, power! Come
on, Stig! Get on the power!

806 brake horsepower thundering
down at 130 mph. He's lost the back...

He's lost it! He's off!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
That's a big one.

That's the first time The Stig's
ever, ever been off this track.

Here it is again
in slow-motion.

You can see the back steps
out, no down force, he corrects it,

but there just isn't enough track and that's
a big tyre wall he's been through there.

God! That is a big accident.

That is a properly
big accident.

It's so... Look,
it's eaten the tyre wall!

Look, there's the advantage
of carbon fibre for you.

- Hardly any damage at all.
- Cheap to repair as well.

Well, cheaper than chewing gum
with nicotine in it, that's for sure.

Thing is though, okay,
after the accident,

Stig said, he reckons this car would
be four seconds faster than it was

if it had a big wing
on the back,

so Koenigsegg have announced that
they're going to take it back to Sweden,

put a wing on it, then they're going to bring
it back here to see what it can really do.

- That I want to see. Definitely.
- So do I.

Now earlier on in the programme
we embarked on a little project

to see how hard it could be

to make a convertible
people carrier.

Behind these doors,
we had created a masterpiece.

As you can see, Hammond's
done a very thorough job along here

of anchoring the roof
at the front.

We've replaced the glass
that was broken and that

obviously does tuck
under there.

This...
That's not a safety feature.

There's James's folding
arrangement that gets it all down,

but it's the back
where we're really pleased,

because what we've done is
we've cut the tailgate in half.

So you come back with heavy
shopping, you undo all these,

takes no more
than five or 10 minutes

and then we've hinged it here, so
you can pull the whole thing open

and load up the boot.

I mean, yes, there are one or two
rough edges. Here, for example.

But on the whole,
we are very proud of it.

To see how good our roof
would be in real world conditions,

the production team came up
with a number of tests.

- Now, our first challenge.
- Yes, indeed. Let's have it, professor. Right.

No idea what this is.

"Challenge One, you must drive the car
with the roof up at the speed of 100mph

"without anything breaking
or falling off." Well, it won't.

Obviously, we couldn't
do this on the road,

so we went to the Millbrook
Proving Ground in Bedfordshire,

where there's a two-mile
banked circuit.

- It's been nice, chaps. Working with you.
- Yeah!

Normally, I wouldn't wear
a helmet for this.

- No, but on this occasion...
- But today I am.

- Are you ready, boys?
- Yeah! Braced and ready.

- Here we go!
- Do it!

35, 36 miles an hour.

There's a bit of a draft here
from these windows.

Wouldn't they have
to look at that?

Things were going well until we
blasted past the 50 mile an hour barrier.

- Guys!
- What?

Car issues
happening back here.

- What's with...
- Oh, no!

- The stitching is rubbish!
- Oh, no!

- It's fine. Keep going.
- It's your stitching...

That's because your
stitching came apart.

- Oh-oh. What was that?
- It's all collapsed in the back!

It's on my head.

- It's still on!
- My head's holding it up!

- That's fine.
- Just stay where you are.

65, 66!

- Here we go!
- 69!

Yes!

She's breaking up!
She's breaking up!

Come on,
you useless piece of junk!

I am now part of it! I'm
structurally integral to the roof!

It's really not good
back here!

96!

It's not good!
It's not good, at all!

97!

Yeah!

It's 100 miles an hour!

I'm easing her down now.
I'm easing her down.

So, we'd survived that.
Just.

And Richard and I decided
to get the roof down.

James said this would take
but a moment.

Surely if we...

Where does that go?

Neatness we can work on.

See, from a distance,
it actually looks quite good!

Look at that!

This isn't its best side though,
'cause it's got the hinges on it.

It looks better
from the other side!

Righto! Next challenge!

You must now go to
Woburn Abbey Safari Park,

and drive your convertible
through the wild animal enclosures.

Righto.

Fine.

- Well, there are lions.
- You don't want to worry about the lions.

It's the monkeys
you've got to worry about.

What?

Have you seen a lion?
Massive, pointy teeth.

Monkeys.
They don't scare me.

I do 'cause they're Barbary ape
monkeys and they're really vicious.

They've got really,
really vicious teeth.

All right, put it this way.

If you were to be locked in
a phone box for half an hour

- with A, a monkey or B, a lion...
- Exactly.

- There you go. What would you go for?
- The lion.

- What?
- Because monkeys, in confined spaces,

those Barbary monkeys, they panic
and they get really incredibly violent.

I just love the way that James
thinks that monkeys are in some way

the greatest peril we're facing
in the next hour of our lives.

Normally, Woburn does not allow convertibles
into its dangerous animal enclosures,

but they were so impressed
with the structural integrity of ours,

they made an exception.

Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm scared.
Look, it's like Jurassic Park!

Should I film?
It is Jurassic Park.

Please keep your doors
and windows closed

and under no circumstances, go in in a
homemade convertible Renault Espace.

The African lion. Six
tonnes of muscle and teeth.

To anyone from Woburn.
Have these lions been fed?

No, they're on
a starve day today.

Excuse me, it's Jeremy again. Did
you say they were on a starve day?

Yes. We feed them
twice a week,

which is more similar to the
feeding regime they'd have in the wild.

So when did they last eat?

Two days ago.

Yeah, but...

If you mention monkeys,
I'm throwing you out!

- Whoa, stop, stop!
- Holy mother!

- That'd be the spine of...
- That's the last person who came through in a convertible.

To him, we look like a
sandwich box with a lid half off.

Fortunately, the lions had
other things on their minds.

- Oh, look, what's going on?
- Oh, no, he's...

That's lion porn!

- Oh, what are you doing, man?
- What if he tries to do that to us?

With my point made,
we left the lions

and headed for the peril
of the monkeys.

Oh, aah! Monkeys!

Some of them
are like a foot tall!

He's eating a carrot!
Look what he's doing to it!

But then, a really
big one rocked up.

- Attack monkey!
- Aargh! Get off!

That's a Barbary ape,
that's who he is.

- No, you've got to stay there after you mocked me!
- Bugger off!

Ooh, another one
on the front.

Please can we go?

We had to leave with our
roof mascot still in place

because it was time for
our final challenge.

"Modern convertibles are capable of
driving through automated carwash machines.

"You must now do the same
with your car."

The carwash selected
for the test was brand new.

It had cost the owner a million pounds
and featured the latest technology

to deliver the cleaning power
of a category five hurricane.

Has anyone else suddenly
become slightly nervous?

Yes, I'm terrified.
I'm scared.

- It's quite cold this evening as well, isn't it?
- Yeah.

It's bloody freezing. Let's
have the heater on a bit.

Yeah.

- Ooh, here we go! I'm not nervous.
- No, I'm not nervous.

- It's fine.
- It'll be good, it'll just... You know, flap around a bit.

- My confidence is waning.
- I'm dry!

Yeah.

There's a light mist
coming in to the car.

No, that's just condensation.

It's a bit of mist,
but that's fine.

I'm dry still!

- I'm wet now!
- I've suddenly got a bad, bad, bad feeling about this.

There's a great
big roller coming up!

The window's come in
and the roof isn't...

- Oh! Oh, my God! Get out! Get out! Get out!
- I'm trying to!

- The door locks aren't...
- Get out!

- I can't get out!
- Get out on this side!

I'm out!

- I can't watch!
- You have to go through there!

- Are you through?
- Just get out.

Get out. Just get out.

- Keep running.
- Run!

Over there!

- That's bad.
- That was bad.

- Uh, it's on fire.
- It's what?

- Absolutely murdered...
- It can't be on fire!

It's on fire. It's on fire.

Just run.

Just run.

The thing is...

The thing is, we managed
to set fire to something

that's basically
made of water!

How did you do that?

Did you see the owner
of the carwash afterwards?

He was cross. Very cross.

He was especially cross when I rang
him up and asked him for our £3.50 back.

- Not good.
- We asked earlier on how hard it would be

to make a convertible
people carrier.

- The answer is very.
- Yeah, very.

And on that crushing disappointment,
it's time to end the show,

so from the four of us,
thanks for watching.

See you next week,
good night!

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Soundtrack added by AlexGRFan97