All language subtitles for The West Wing S01E01 Pilot-eng

Two Absolut martinis up;
Another Dewars rocks.

- I don't think we're gonna run the
table, if that's what you're asking.
- It's not.

Deep background, I'm not gonna
come close to using your name.

And you're not gonna
come close to getting a quote either.

- Why are we sitting here?
- You sat down.

- Is Josh on his way out?
- No.
- Is he?
- No.

- Who do I call?
- No one.
- Just tell me who to call.

- Well you could call 1-800-BITE-ME
- Sam.

- He's not going anywhere
Billy, it's a non-story.
- You're lying now aren't you.

That hurts, Billy. Why would I lie
to a journalist of all people.

- Why do you keep looking over my shoulder?
- Why?
- Yes.

- 'Cause Alger Hiss just walked
in with my secret pumpkin.
- What?

- There's a woman over there.
I think she's looking at me.
- Really?

I don't know. I never know if they're looking or not.

- (Sigh)
- Yeah, I think she was.

I want to thank you for the casual way that you
did that just now. She probably didn't notice that.

17 across is wrong. It's just wrong.
Do you believe that Ruth?

- You should call them.
- I will call them.

- Telephone, Leo.
- I'm in the shower.
- It's POTUS

Yeah.

You can have a normal life. You'd
be amazed at how normal I can be.

See, it's all about budgeting your time.
This time, this hour, this is my time.

Five a.m. to six a.m.
I can workout, as you see.
I can think about personal matters.

I can meet an interesting man.
The trick is...

- Your beeper's going.
- What?
- I think your beeper is going.

Yeah. This is Josh Lyman.
What's going on?

We ask at this time that you turn off all
electronic devices, stow your tray tables and

return your seatbacks to the full and
upright position. We will be landing
shortly at Washington-Dulles Airport.

- Sir, I need you to turn off your computer.
- I'm just about done.

I need you to turn off your laptop, sir.
It interferes with our navigational systems.

You know when you guys say that, it sounds
pretty ridiculous to most people, right?

- Sir...
- Mr. Ziegler?

A message was just patched up to the
cockpit for you. I'm not sure I've got it right.

- "POTUS in a bicycle accident?"
- You got it right.

You can't use your phone until we land, sir.

We're flying in a Lockheed eagle series
L-1011. It came off the line 20 months ago and
carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system.

Are you telling me I can still flummox this
thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

You can call when we land, sir.

Also, I never got my peanuts.

- How ya doing Sam?
- Let me tell you something. The water
pressure in here is really impressive.

- I know.
- You could run hydraulics in here.

- You want some?
- I'm fine.
- I'm wasted.

- I'm wasted.
- And probably free of cataracts.

- I get that. That's funny.
- Thank you.

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Your message --
your pager went off while you were in the shower.
I hit the button because I thought it was mine.

'POTUS in a bicycle accident.
Come to the office.'

I memorized it just in case I erased it on accident.

These things look exactly alike.

Anyway, like I said, I'm totally baked. But um --
no, it's not like I'm a drug person. I just love pot.

- Ah, Laurie, I to have to go.
- You're kidding me. It's five thirty in the morning.

- I know this doesn't look good.
- Not that good. No.

You know what? I really like you. And if you
give me your number, I'd like to call you.

Stay right here and save yourself a call.

It's not that I don't see the logic
in that, but I really gotta go.

'Cause POTUS was in a bicycle accident?

Yup.

Tell your friend, POTUS, he's got a funny name.
And he should learn how to ride a bicycle.

I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss;
and it's not his name, it's his title.

POTUS?

President of the United States.
I'll call you.

- It's a nice morning, Mr. McGarry.
- We'll take care of that in a hurry. Won't we, Mike?
- Yes sir.

- Don't kill the messenger, Leo.
- Oh, why the hell not, Bonnie?

- Five minutes.
- Please.

- Hey Emma
- Morning
- Wilson
- Hey Leo.

- Joe.
- It's Jeffrey.
- Whatever.

- Josh!
- Hey, Donna. Is he in yet?
- Yeah.

- Can you get him?
- [Yells] Josh!

- Thanks
- I heard it's broken.
- You heard wrong.

- I heard--
- It's a mild sprain. He'll be back later today.

- I'm just...
- He was swerving to avoid a tree.

- And what happened?
- He was unsuccessful.

Yeah. That's fine. Just don't do anything
until you talk to Justice. Okay, bye.

-Hey.
- How many Cubans, exactly, have crammed
themselves into these fishing boats?

It's important to understand, Leo, that
by and large, they're not fishing boats.

You hear fishing boats, you conjure an image of --
well, of a boat, first of all. What the Cubans are on
would charitably be described as rafts. Okay?

They're making the hop from Havana to Miami in
fruit baskets, basically. Let's just be clear on that.

- We are.
- Donna's desk, if it could float,
would look good to them right now.

- I get it. How many are there?
- We don't know.
- What time, exactly, did they leave?
- We don't know.

- Do we know when they get here?
- No.

True or False: If I were to stand on high ground
in Key West with a good pair of binoculars,
I would be as informed as I am right now.

- That's true.
- The intelligence budget's money well spent, isn't it?

Tell them to send the Coast Guard, Leo.
I understand! But, they're never going
to make it to our territorial waters.

- Thank you.
- What if the D.E.A. suspected they had drugs?

- Does the D.E.A. suspect there are drugs?
- We could make a phone call.

- Josh!
- If the D.E.A. or Navy Intel thought
the Cubans were bringing in drugs

wouldn't we have to go out there and search
those rafts with, you know, guns and blankets?

-You look like hell. You know that, don't you?
- Yes. I do. Listen, Leo. Did he say anything?

Did he say anything?! The President's
pissed as hell at you, Josh. And so am I.

- I know.
- You gotta work with these people. And
where the hell do you get off strutting your...
- I know.

- Al Caldwell is a good man.
- Al Caldwell wasn't there.

I'm saying, you take everyone on the Christian Right,
dump them into one big pile, and label them 'stupid'.

-We need these people.
- We do not need these people.
- Josh

We need Al Caldwell. We want Al Caldwell.
We do not need John Van Dyke.
And we do not need Mary Marsh.

And I think there shouldn't be instant replay
in football, but that' s not my call, now, is it?

- It was stupid.
- Damn straight.

- I was right, though.
- Like I don't know that.

- Oh, Mr. McGarry. Have they done an X-Ray?
- Yup.
- Is anything broken?

A $4,000 Lynex Titanium touring bike
that I swore I'd never lend anyone.

- I don't understand. How did he...?
- He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham.
Your President's a geek.

Mr. McGarry, you know how I feel about
that kind of talk in the Oval Office.

- I apologize.
- Just in this room, Mr. McGarry. That's all I'm asking.
- Yes.

Oh, Bonnie. Call O.E.O.B. and set up a
briefing for the Vice President. Let's coordinate
with Katie Simon's office on the appointments.

- Should I get everybody in?
- Yeah!

Margaret. Please call the editor of the New York Times
crossword and tell him that 'Khaddafi' is spelled with an h,
and two d's, and isn't a seven letter word for anything.

- Is this for real? Or is this just funny?
- Apparently, it's neither.

Is there anything I can say, other than
the President rode his bicycle into a tree?

- He hopes never to do it again.
- Seriously. They're laughing pretty hard.

He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J..
What do you want me to --

"The President, while riding a bicycle on his vacation
in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop"

- What do you want from me?
- A little love, Leo.

- What do you know about the Cubans?
- I don't know anymore than Josh

Somewhere between 1200 and 2000 Cubans began
embarking from a fishing village 30 miles South of Havana.

- Where are they headed?
- Vegas.

Miami. Though, it's not clear how
sophisticated their navigation equipment is.

- Navigational equipment? That
way is North, I think is pretty...
- Josh.

C.J., if one of these guys could throw a split
fingered fastball, we'd send in the USS Eisenhower.

- That's not entirely true.
- Oh, for God's sake. Forget about the journey.
Okay? The voyage is not our problem.

- What's our problem?
- What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and
the Get-Me-The-Hell-Outta-Here hit Miami.

- Sam?
- Can't send them back.
They'll go to jail, if they're lucky.

- We'll get whacked in what? At least...
- Three congressional districts. Dade County.
- Those seats are gone.

Not to mention the fact that it's wrong.

- Plus that.
- What about Texas?
- I wouldn't worry about it.

- Keep Josh in the loop on this throughout the day.
- Me?
- Yeah.

The thing is, my day is a little tight...
- Deal with it.
- And I'm happy to. It's just that...
- Sam.

I'm just saying, isn't this more of a military area?

- Military?
- Yeah.

- You think the United States is under
attack from 1200 Cubans in rowboats?
- I'm not saying I don't like our chances.

Mind-boggling to me that
we ever won an election.

Pat Thomas wants to call up the Guard.

- You shouldn't.
- He's right.
- You send in the Guard you create a panic situation.

I agree with Josh. And I agree with C.J..
And I agree with Sam.

- And you know how that makes me crazy.
- Yeah.

They're running for their lives. You don't have
to start a game of Red Rover with Castro.
But you don't send in the National Guard.
You send food and you send doctors.

Sam, see that I.N.S. is working with the Red
Cross and the Centers for Disease Control.

- I've got my guy from CDC on the phone right...
-Go. Talk to him.
-Talk to him.

Moving on. Let's talk about Josh.

Al Caldwell scares the hell out of the President, and Josh knows it.

- He's not going to fire him.
- He's got no choice.

- Billy, the President's not going to fire Josh Lyman.
-He doesn't have a choice.

Listen, I had drinks with Sam Seaborn last night.

- And Sam said that the President was going to fire Josh?
- He needs these people. He's going to have to give them Josh.

Folks? Folks?

- Billy, what do you think if he just--
-He doesn't have a choice.

Good morning.

Dr. Randall Haymen, H-A-Y-M-E-N,
chief of orthopedics at St. John's Hospital

has diagnosed the President with a
mild sprain in his left ankle sustained
while cycling into a large cyprus tree.

- [Laughter]
-
has diagnosed the President with a
mild sprain in his left ankle sustained
while cycling into a large cyprus tree.

- [Laughter]
-

Details can be found in the full report
that Linda and Susanne are distributing.

Along with pool photographs of the President
resisting help from a Secret Service agent,
then falling down again.

By all means, enjoy yourselves.

- Item number two.
- C.J., has the President...?

It's a light day, Chris. Let's just get through
this, then I'll take a couple questions.

Item number two, the Association of Retired...

--none of your business. Look, if 38 states...

No. Well, I can tell you that you don't
believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman.
Not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God you pray to is too
busy being indicted for tax fraud.

I can tell you that you don't
believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman.
Not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God you pray to is too
busy being indicted for tax fraud.

[rewinds]
-Lady, the God you pray to is too
busy being indicted for...

You shouldn't have worn that
tie on television. It bleeds.

- I don't think it was the tie that got me in trouble.
- No, but I've told you a zillion times.

- What's that?
- It's coffee.
- Thought so.

- I brought you some coffee.
- What's going on, Donna?
- Nothing's going on.

- Donna
- I brought you some coffee.
- Close the door.

- Donnatella Moss, when did you start working for me?
- Um, during the campaign.

- And how long have you been my assistant?
- A year and a half.

And when's the last time you
brought me a cup of coffee?

It was never. You've never brought me a cup of coffee.

Do you think he's going to do it?

- No.
[Knocking]
- It's Toby.

You won that election for him. You, and Leo, and C.J., and Sam.

[More knocking]
- Open the damn door.
- [whispering] And him.

- Thanks for the coffee.
- You're welcome.

- Donna brought you coffee?
- Shut up.

- Sup?

What did I tell you before you went on the air yesterday?

You said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.'

I said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.'
I said Al Caldwell is not to be treated
like some revival tent clown.

- Al Caldwell wasn't there.
- He sure as hell was watching.

- Look, I already took Leo's morning beating.
What do you want?

- I want you to keep your job.
- How?

I'm going to make a suggestion, which might help you out.

But I don't want this gesture to be
mistakenfor an indication that I like you.

- In preparation for the Sunday morning
radio address on family values...

- When did that get on the schedule?
- Listen to me for a second...
- When did it get on the schedule?

- It's the regular Sunday morning...
- Yeah, but when did we schedule family values?

We scheduled it, Josh, after your
smug, taunting, you know, calamitous
performance on 'Capitol Beat.'

America for better families. The AAF and Al Caldwell.

Mary Marsh. I've invited them all
for coffee this afternoon, along with a
couple of speechwriters to talk about...

- What they want to hear.
- Yes. Yes, sir.

If you listen carefully, you can hear two
centuries of Presidents rolling over in their graves.

- Come to the meeting.
- No!
- Come to the meeting and be nice.

- Why?
- So C.J. can put it in the papers...

Al Caldwell is friends with bad people!
I think he should say so for the common good.

- Screw politics! How about that?
- You don't run social policy for this
government. How 'bout that!

- Toby!
- I'm in charge of the message around here.

It's my job to tell the President that the best
thing he could do, from a PR standpoint,
is to show you the door.

Come to the meeting. Be nice. Keep your job.

I'll be there.

- Oh, take a look at this.
- What's that?

One of the kids from the newsroom clipped
that from the Journal this morning.

Guess who's leaving Lennox-Chase to start consulting in town? She's leasing
offices downtown. She starts today.

- Who's she working for?
- I'm checking it out.

[sigh]

That's a good picture of her.

Bruce? Bruce? Bruce!

I may have just gotten back into the business
this morning, but I didn't come by way of a
turnip truck, you know what I'm saying?

You jerk me around on this, and I'm
going to get cranky right in your face.

Now, I was your source on 443.
Big, fat byline. Above the fold.

So, I think it's time to play
'What have you done for me lately.'

Look, I don't want to hear you're going
to try, Bruce. This isn't gym class.

[Sirens]

I said, gym class. Gym class!

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

'Cause it's important in gym to
try, but it is not necessarily-

Look, Bruce. It was a simple metaphor.
Now listen up!

Now, you're misinterpreting me and you're
misinterpreting the Senator. And it's bush league
reporting. And it's beneath even you're newspaper.

You know you ran a red light back there.

Bruce, please. You huckle me like this
I'm gonna make you cry like a girl.

- License and registration please.
- Just a second. I'm telling...
-License and registration now please.

Listen, I'm under arrest. I'm going
to have to call you back, Bruce.

Uh, they're two and a half percent in the
third quarter at the end of the fiscal year.

That's fine, but the President's gonna look at the
WBO revenue analysis and say that economists were
put on this planet to make astrologers look good.

[Laughter]
- Leo...

Luther. Ballpark. One year from today. Where's the Dow?

- Tremendous. Up a thousand.
- Fred. One year from today.

- Not good. Down a thousand.
-A year from today at least one of
you is gonna look pretty stupid.

- Can we go now?
- Oh, go. Get out.

There's a storm system moving into South Florida.

See, with any luck the Cubans'll turn
around and live to defect another day.

Yeah, 'cause they're probably all tuned
to the National Weather Service,
but that's not what I'm here for.

- What's on your mind?
- We've gotta look at the whole field for a minute,
'cause I think we're about to get tagged.

- With regard to what?
- Re-election.
- Oh, we're not there yet.

Don't let Lloyd Russell push us around
on Medicare or medium range missiles.

You're taking Lloyd Russell too seriously.

- His numbers are starting to get interesting.
- Hollywood likes him. He can raise money.
- We're not there yet.

30 second hypothetical: You're Lloyd Russell,
newly crowned prince of the White suburban woman,
the upper middle class Black man and teacher's union.

- You're no friend to the sitting President. What do you do?
- Put together an exploratory committee.

And who do you get to run it?
- You.
- I already got a job.

- For the moment.
- Who do you get?

Well, if I could get Mandy to leave 900,000
dollars a year at Lennox-Chase, I'd get Mandy.

- You'd be smart.
- Hey, come to think of it, you think
she'd be interested in his job?

- You're in luck.
- She in town?
- Just got here today.

- What she doing?
- Working for Lloyd Russell.

Margaret! Get me Senator Russell's
office on the phone.

-Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?

Yeah...you?

Yeah.

-Excuse me.
- We're sorry to interrupt your lunch...
- We're juniors at Florida State...

- We're with this poly-sci group...
- Anyway, we just wanted to say that we think
you're excellent, and could we have your autograph.

Sure...This is Mandy Hampton. She's excellent, too.

- From the campaign?
- Didn't you two used to be a thing?
- Jennifer!

- Sorry.
- She used to steal money from me.
- Really?

Yeah. Thanks a lot for stopping by.

-Thanks
- Sure
- Bye
- See ya.

Listen. You called me. What do
you wanna know? Is Lloyd gonna run?

I really don't care one way or the other. He's a lightweight. I just...

- You don't like him.
- Not when I can't use him.

No. I just wanna know how much
trouble he's gonna be on the budget surplus.

- You should get to know him.
- I have enough friends.

Not these days you don't.

Please, Mandy. It's not like these people
were in our camp to begin with.

That's right, Josh, and they've been waiting
for you to trip over your mouth and you handed
it to them. It's Christmas morning for Mary Marsh.

You're a Fulbright Scholar, are you honestly
the only adult in America who doesn't think
you're about to be fired?

Do what Toby's telling you to do.

Did you just call him Lloyd?

- Who?
- Senator Russell.

-When?
- A minute ago. You said "What do you
wanna know? Is-is Lloyd gonna run"?

- I don't remember. What does it...?
- It's unusual for you that you would call a
Senator by his first name to a third party.

- A third party?
- You know what I'm saying.
- No, but as long as one of us does...

You're dating Lloyd Russell.

Yes.

Wow. That's great.

- Are you gonna freak out?
- No, no, no. Not at all. It's just --

- I always thought he was gay.
- No you didn't.
- I did.

- He's not gay.
- You sure?
- Very sure.

- He always seemed effeminate to me.
- He happens to be very athletic. Plenty masculine.

- I think he's a woman.
- Josh, take me seriously.
- I do.

The New York Times is gonna release
a poll in the next few days that brings
your unfavorables up to 48%.

- This is the first I'm hearing of it.
- You'll have it in about an hour.

- Where'd you get this?
- We don't play for the same team anymore.

Wait a minute. One minute you're giving
me career advice, the next minute
you're telling me we don't--

I'm here for a while. And I want
you at your fighting weight when I start
bitch-slapping you guys around the beltway.

- You and Lloyd Russell, huh?
- Yeah.

Seventeen across. Yes.
Seventeen across is wrong.

You're spelling his name wrong.
What's my name?

My name doesn't matter. I'm just an ordinary citizen
who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation.

And I'm telling you, that I've met with the man twice,

and I've recommended a preemptive
Exocet Missile strike against his airforce.

- So, I think I know how to...
- Leo!

- They hang up on me. Every time.
- That's almost hard to believe.

- What do you need?
- Nightline wants someone for the East Asia...
- Send Naomi. What else?

- There might be a press leak on A3-C3.
- That was Hutchison. What else?

- Leo?
- Please don't ask me about Josh.

- Can I ask you--
- I honestly don't know anything.
- You know the President.

-So do you.
- You know him better.

I've known him forty years, C.J. And all I can
promise you is that on any given day there's really
no predicting what he's going to choose to care about.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, I'm late.

- You can't use those stats.
- The assault stats.
- The assault stats are wrong.

- We got them from your office.
- And we got them from HUD.
- And they're wrong?

Even if they were right, don't use 'em.

Well, A. Let's make 'em right, and B. why can't I use 'em?

- The 76 year old grandmother.
- Every time we use those assault stats, Carr and Gilmore come back...

- Who's the 76 year old grandmother?
- Every day, 17,000 Americans defend themselves with a gun.

- That's flat-out not true.
- including a 76 year old grandmother in Chicago

- who defended herself against an
intruder in the middle of the night.
- Just don't use the stat.

A 76 year old grandmother doesn't defend
herself with a modified AK-47 Assault Rifle, Larry.
Unless she's defending herself against Turkish rebels.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, you guys know my assistant Cathy?

- We've talk a lot on the phone.
- Yeah, hi. I need you for just a second.

Ah, right. Call me at the end of the day.

Leo's wife called.

- That woman hates me.
- Yes.
- What'd I do?

You tried to hit on her at party fundraiser.

Yes. I meant recently. I meant why did she call.

- She wants you to talk to...
- For the hundredth time, I didn't know who she
was, and how long am I gonna be crucified for that?

- Well a little while longer anyway
- You know, I would think most women would be flattered.

Yeah, I think Leo was especially touched that you...

- What'd she want?
- She was supposed to give a tour to some students
from her daughter's fourth grade class.

- She can't make it and she wants you to do it.
- I can't

You have to. They wrote essays.

No really, I can't. I'm not a good tour guide.
I don't know anything about the White House.
[beeping]

You wanna call Mrs. McGarry and tell her that?

Oh God, please let this be a national emergency.

- Cashmere Escorts.
- Hi. You paged me?

- Who is this?
- This is Sam Seaborn.

I'm sorry. There's been a mistake.

Who's this?

Cashmere Escort Service.

Okey-doke. Page me.

- Where are you going?
- I'm standing right here. Page me and punch in my number.

A woman's about to call me. She's not
gonna know why. Put her through.

- Hello?
- Hello? You paged me.

Laurie?

- Who's this?
- It's Sam.

- Hi.
- Sam Seaborn.

- Yeah. You called me.
- Yeah.

I uh, actually you called me.
And that's because you have my pager.

And...I have yours.
I uh, actually you called me.
And that's because you have my pager.

And...I have yours.

-Oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Look, listen, can I come by and see you real quick?

-Yeah
- Thanks.

Good. Okay.

I'm holding four column inches above the fold.

-You're going to be wrong.
- I've got Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh...

Guys, I don't have a lot of time to answer questions right now.

-C.J., has--
- But that shouldn't stop you from asking them anyway. Chris?

Has the President had any reaction to Josh on the show?

- None that I'm aware of.
- Do you know--
- Seriously, that's it.

I'll get you wheels down time when I've got it.

- They're picking up the scent.
- Billy is. The rest of 'em are picking up Billy's scent.

- Josh is gonna come to the coffee.
- Keep him cool.

This President's a deeply religious man, Reverend. I don't need to tell you that.

- No
- He's worked with the Southern Baptist Leadership
Conference. He's worked with the Catholic Relief...

- He's spoken at my church.
- Yes he has.

Yes, he has. He also spent eight months
traveling around the country discouraging
young women from having abortions.

Oh, hang on. He never said anything...

He does not believe that it's the government's
place to legislate this issue. But that's never
stopped him from playing his role as a moral leader.

Something which cost him dearly in
the campaign and you know that.

Why does he insist on demonizing us as a group?

Because your group has plenty of demons.

[snorts] Every group has plenty of demons.

You don't have to tell me about it, Reverend.
I'm a member of the Democratic Party.

Why does the White House suddenly talk
like everyone in the Christian Right is the same?

Forgive me, Al. But when you stand that
close to Mary Marsh and John Van Dyke, it's
sometimes hard not to paint you all with the same brush.

We need John and Mary for political muscle.

I don't think you do, but I recognize you're in a tough spot.

- I'm not looking for a holy war, Leo.
- Oh, I know you're not, Al.

And I think that you and I can keep this from
escalating beyond the petulant woman being angry
about getting her hair a little messed up on T.V.

- And there you go again.
- What?

- It was not a little deal.
- No one's saying...

And I want to make sure if nothing else,
I want to make sure you take me seriously.

You don't think we're taking this seriously?

24 hours ago, the President
ordered me to fire Josh Lyman.

I've been trying to talk him down from it ever since.

He's getting off the plane in ten minutes.
It's 6 to 5 at pickin' whether Josh still has a job.

Now, I don't know how much more seriously we can take it.

- Well, that's regrettable.
- Yes, it is.

Anyway, I'm glad Toby organized
your meeting this afternoon.

So am I.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Can I come in?
- Sure.

- This is a nice apartment.
- You saw it last night.

Yeah, and I really like it. It makes very good use of space.

- Thanks
- The way the ladle hangs from the pegboard.

The ladle didn't actually come with the apartment. It's mine.

- Right
- Yeah.

- Um, can I ask you something?
- Am I a hooker?

No. No. What I was gonna say is this:

Is it possible, that in addition to being
a law student and part-time bartender,

that you are what I'm certain would
have to be a very high-priced call girl.

I, by the way, making no judgments. The thing is, with my job--

Yeah.

- Yes?
- Yes.

I'm sorry. I should've told you.
I wanted you to like me.

I do.

I have to go.

- Sam?
- Yeah?

- My pager.
- Oh, right.

Thanks

Listen, I don’t know how often you get up--

Sam, go.

You don't know who I am.

- It’s just that there are people who’d pay a lot of money to try--
- I know.

Go. lt's okay.

Reverend Caldwell, if you all would just step in here.

Excuse me. Hi. We’re going to be just a minute,
so why doesn’t everybody have a seat.

All right. Everybody, nicely and quietly, take a seat.

- No.
- Put it on.
- No.

- Put it on.
- No.
- You’ve been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.

- I am not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.
- All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.

- Tell Toby he's changing his shirt.
- Right.

You're late.

I’m having kind of a weird day.

Leo’s daughter’s class is waiting with their teacher
and a couple of parents in the Roosevelt Room.

- I don't know what to say to them.
- You’re supposed to tell them about the building and its history.

- Do you need anything?
- I need someone to tell me about the building and its history.

- Just fake it.
- I can’t fake it.
- Of course you can fake it.

Which one's Leo's daughter?

- What does it matter?
- I wanna make a good impression. What does she look like?

I don't know.

-Okay. Just like to thank you for all of your help.
- Sure

- Hi, I’m sorry to be late.
- Mr. Seaborn. Mallory O'Brian.
- Hi.

And these are the fourth graders at Clearlake
Elementary School who wrote the best essays
on why they wanted to visit the White House.

Well, that's just great, why don't we get started.

My name is Sam Seaborn and I’m the
Deputy Communications Director.

What does that mean, exactly?

Well, to begin with, I’m a counselor to the
President mostly on domestic matters
though generally not security related.

I work with Toby Ziegler, the Communications Director
and C.J. Cregg, the Press Secretary

on crafting our message and getting it out through the electronic and print media

And while my functions here are
generally perceived to be politically skewed

it’s important to remember that it is not the D.N.C.,
but rather your tax dollars that pay my salary

So I work for you, whether you voted for us or not.

Mr. Seaborn, maybe you could give us some history.

Sure.

I graduated law school eight years ago
and started working at Dewey-Ballantine--

Actually, I'm sorry to interrupt
actually I meant a history of the building.

- The White House?
- Yes.
- Sure.

The White House, as you know, was
built several years ago. Mostly, if I’m
not mistaken, out of cement.

The room we’re in right now, the Roosevelt Room, is very famous

lt is named after our 18th president Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

The chairs that you're sitting on today
were fashioned from the lumber of a pirate
ship captured during the Spanish-American--

All right. Kids, I need to speak with
Mr. Seaborn. Sit tight for a second.

- Hi.
- How ya doin'?
- I'm sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?

In this particular area, yes.

The 18th President was Ulysses S. Grant, and
the Roosevelt Room was named for Theodore.

- Really?
- There's like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.

- I should've put two and two together.
- Yes.

Look, the thing is, while there are really
a great many things I can speak with authority,
I'm not good at talking about the White House.

You're the White House Deputy Communications Director
and you're not good at talking about the White House?

Ironic, isn't it?

- I don't believe this.
- Wait a minute. Wait. Please.

Could you do me favor? Could you tell me which
one of those kids is Leo McGarry's daughter?

- Why?
- Well, if I could make eye contact with her, make her
laugh, you know, just see that she has a good time,

it might go a long way toward making my life easier.

These children worked hard. All of them.

And I'm not inclined at this moment
to make your life easier.

Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please
believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day.

I just found out the Times is publishing
a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans
feel that the White House has lost energy and focus.

A perception that's not likely to be altered by the
video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree.

As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans
out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor
of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami.

A good friend of mine's about to get fired for
going on television and making sense

and it turns out I accidentally
slept with a prostitute last night.

Now. Would you please, in the name of compassion,
tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter.

That would be me.

You.

Yes.

- Leo's daughter's fourth grade class.
- Yes.

Well, this is bad on so many levels.

She's gonna try and bait you, Josh,
you understand what I'm saying?

- Are you listening to me?
- They're gonna try and bait me.

- They want you to say something arrogant.
- I don't need baiting for that.

Hi. Hi, good afternoon.

We apologize. We're running a bit late.

Everybody, sit, sit, sit.

We're happy you all could come talk with us today.

As you know, the President makes
a usual Sunday morning radio address

and in a few weeks we've scheduled--

Ah, Toby, if I could interrupt for just a moment.

um, the goals and spirit of Christian
and Family oriented organizations,

while embraced by a great and growing number of Americans,

have been met with hostility and contempt by their Government.

Now, yesterday morning, on the television program Capital Beat,

that contempt was given a voice...
and a face... and a name.

I'm referring, of course, to you, sir.

Yes, I know, and I'm glad you brought that up--

I was surprised at you, Josh. I always counted you as a friend.

And I'm honored by that, Reverend. First, let me say that

when I spoke on the program yesterday,
I was not speaking for the President or this administration.
That's important to know.

Second, please allow me to apologize.

My remarks were glib and insulting.
I was going for the cheap laugh,

and anybody willing to step up and debate ideas
deserves better than a political punch line.

Mary, I apologize.

Good then.

Let's deal.

-I'm sorry?
- What do we get?

- For what?
- For insulting millions of Americans.

- Well, like Josh said--
- I heard what Josh said, Toby, what do we get?

- An apology?
- Sunday morning radio address. Public morals.
School prayer or pornography, take your pick.

School prayer or pornography?

- It's on every street corner.
- I've seen it. Mary--

- Condoms in the schools.
- What?
- Condoms in the schools.

- Well, that's a problem.
- What?

We have a Surgeon General who says they
dramatically reduce the risk of teen pregnancy and AIDS.

- So does abstinence.
-Show the average American teenage male a
condom and his mind will turn to thoughts of lust.

Show the average American teenage
male a lug wrench and his mind'll turn--

- Toby!
- School prayer, pornography, condoms.
What's it gonna be?

We're not prepared to make any sort of deal right now.

Sure we are. Mary--

My read of the landscape is that you're cleaning
out your desk before the end of business today.

so I'd just as soon negotiate with Toby if it's all the same to you.

- Mary.
- Please allow me to work.

It was only a matter of time with you, Josh.

That New York sense of humor was just a--

- Mary, there no need--
- Reverend, please! They think they're so much smarter.

They think it's smart talk.
But nobody else does.

I'm actually from Connecticut, but that's
neither here nor there. The point is, Mary...

She meant Jewish.

When she said "New York sense of humor"

she was talking about you and me.

You know what, Toby, let's just not even go there.

There's been an apology. Let's move on.

I'd like to discuss why we hear so much talk about the First Amendment

coming out of this building, but no talk
at all about the First Commandment.

- I don't like what I've just been accused of.
- I'm afraid that's just tough, Mrs. Marsh.

The First Commandment says "Honor thy Father".

-No it doesn't.
- Toby--
- Listen

No, if I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise,

we're gonna get the names of the damn commandments right.

Okay. Here we go.

-"Honor thy Father" is the Third Commandment.
- Then what's the First Commandment?

"I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt
worship no other God before me."

Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Al. What do we got here, C.J.?

-Well, we've got some hot tempers, Mr. President.
- Mary.

Mr. President, I'm John Van Dyke.

Yes. Reverend?

-May I ask you a question, sir?
- Of Course.

If our children can buy pornography
on any street corner for five dollars,

isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?

No.

- Really?
- On the other hand, I do think that five dollars
is too high a price to pay for pornography.

- Why don't we all sit down?
- No. Let's not, C.J. These people
won't be staying that long.

May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis?

Al, how many times have I asked you
to denounce the practices of a fringe
group that calls itself The Lambs of God?

- Sir, it's not up to me--
- Crap. It is up to you, Al.

You, know, my wife, Abbey, she never
wants me to do anything while I'm upset.
Thank you, Mr. Lewis.

28 years ago, I come home from a very
bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey
I'm going out for a drive.

I get in the station wagon, and put it in reverse,
and pull out of the garage full speed.

Except I forgot to open the garage door.

Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset
and she was right. She was right yesterday

when she told me not to get on that damn
bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway,

and I guess I was just about as
angry as I've ever been in my life.
It seems my granddaughter, Annie,

had given an interview in one of the teen magazines.

And somewhere between movie stars
and make-up tips, she talked about her
feelings on a woman's right to choose.

Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious,

but she's got a good head on her
shoulders and I like it when she uses it

so I couldn't understand it when her
mother called me in tears yesterday

I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?"

She said, "It's Annie."

Now I love my family

and I've read my bible from cover to
cover so I want you to tell me,

from what part of the Holy Scripture
do you suppose the Lambs of God
drew their Divine inspiration

when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter
a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat?

You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly.

And until you do, you can all get
your fat asses out of my White House.

C.J., show these people out.

I believe we can find the door.

Find it now.

- We'll fix this, Leo.
- See that you do.

Okay, can I just say that, as it turned out,
I was the calmest person in
the room?

- Hey
- Way to stay cool.

- I am not empowered to auction off the Bill of Rights.
- I thought you were going to take a swing at her there.

She was calling us New York Jews, Josh.

Yeah, but being from Connecticut, I didn't mind so much.

You, C.J., on the other hand, were
brilliant. I particularly liked the part
where you said nothing at all.

I'm sorry, Josh, I was distracted.
All I could really think about was
Lloyd Russell and your girlfriend.

-Mandy and Lloyd Russell?
-I'll be puttin' an end to that.

"Hello, Mr. President. Did you have a nice trip, sir?

How's the ankle, sir?"

Seems to me we've all been taking a little break.

Thinking about our personal lives

or thinking about keeping our jobs.

Breaks are good. It's not a bad idea
taking a break every now and then.

I know how hard you all work.

There was this time that Annie
came to me with this press clipping.

Seems these theologians down in South America
were all excited because this little girl
from Chile had sliced open a tomato,

and the inside flesh of this tomato
had actually formed a perfect Rosary.

The theologians commented that
they thought this was a very impressive girl.

Annie commented that she thought
it was a very impressive tomato.

I don't know what made me think of that.

Naval Intelligence reports approximately
1200 Cubans left Havana this morning.

Approximately 700 turned back due to severe weather,

some 350 are missing and presumed dead,

137 have been taken into custody in Miami

and are seeking asylum.

With the clothes on their backs,
they came through a storm.

And the ones that didn't die want a better life.
And they want it here.

Talk about impressive.

My point is this:

Break's over.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Josh

"Too busy being indicted for tax fraud"?

Don't ever do it again.

Yes sir.

Mrs. Landingham. What's next?

Governor Thomas and the Majority Leader
have asked to be conferenced in and the
group from NASA is assembling for their photo-op.

At seven o'clock, you have...