Original subtitles

Paradise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we got Wu-Tang on 12-inch, yeah. Forever. 36 Chambers. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah. Only bill for Cuban links. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, I'll save it for you. Okay. See you later.

What are you doing, boy? Pick up the phone. I know you're listening to me right now. Anyway, I'll be there later.

This is loan officer Banks from the office of Sycon and Associates returning your call.

My assistant was able to move my schedule around. I can squeeze you in just after lunch.

So, I'll be expecting you.

I'm feeling good first time in a long time. A lot of thoughts in my mind of the scary kind.

I used to fear senior year would have been my prime. But I never graduated. Yes, I turned out fine.

I'm searching for something that I need to find. Because I think about dying all the time.

Life's fucking hard, but I'm trying all the time. Damn, I'm on the edge. God's calling from the other line.

But every time I pick up, I only hear the devil. I don't give a damn. I don't want to settle.

I just want to live a good life. Die a good man like the bad motherfucker I am.

I won't deny it. I've been living my life. Not a forgiven. Can't deny it.

You can say what you want, but that's my decision. Won't deny it.

I've been living my life. Not a forgiven. Can't deny it. I'ma be a bad motherfucker till the day I stop kicking.

Oh! What the fuck, T-Man? What you doing in here, man?

Nigga, what the fuck are you doing in here, nigga?

What are you talking about? I'm getting ready, bro.

For what? Nigga, RuPaul's Drag Show?

I don't understand why you ain't knock.

Coop, there's no fucking door.

What you talking about? God created wood and your knuckles for a motherfucking reason. Use them.

Just knock. Just do me a favor. Just go work.

Can you just go work? Go organize yesterday's shipment, okay?

Okay, nigga, shit. Okay. Shit.

Never had a family, but I had friends.

If we're talking real life, I guess that all depends.

I was thinking more racial and moniker.

Gay dreams of living in Santa Monica.

All I ever knew of family was television.

Cause mine was doing hard drugs and locked up in prison.

I guess that's why I never made the same decision.

I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I heard she found religion.

I'm just playing life like Atari.

I was never perfect. I'm fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm human.

My childhood was fucked and it's luminescent.

It's coming over me. Every time I think about it, I know I shouldn't be here, where I stand.

I just want to live a good life, die a good man, like the bad motherfucker I am.

Yo, why is this shit on TV? You know I hate the news, man.

It's always baby dies in car accident or geriatric man falls down a flight of ninjas or something.

Bro, you're depressing the shit out your boyfriend.

I don't know what to say right now.

Anyways, this shit came for you.

Final notice for what, nigga?

Oh, it's nothing. It's just this company let me know it's the last time I can buy in bulk at that price or whatever.

It's not a big deal.

I see. Well, can we talk about that funny dance shit in the back, my nigga?

What was you doing dancing like that for anyway?

No, the real question is what the fuck was you doing...

Excuse me, sir.

What the fuck was you doing all up in my shit?

You got a knock. And don't be upset. I did it.

I dance how I dance. I dance like a bad bitch. You know what I'm saying? I bust it open.

So why don't you get some manners?

Nigga.

Nah, nigga. What you need is some motherfucking dance lessons, my nigga.

Cause your half-white side was for sure showing in the back, nigga. That shit was shining, my nigga.

And why you say nigga like you scared to say it, fool?

Remember, Coop, you a black man, nigga.

First of all, ow.

Second, you know, I'm bright-skinned.

What?

You know, I'm incognito.

What the fuck is incognigro, Coop?

It's actually this, uh, phrase I coined for a nigga that looks white.

Yeah, you right about that shit, nigga.

You do be looking white than a motherfucker.

Like, Food Network white-ass nigga.

Ziploc bag clear-ass nigga.

You right about that shit, nigga.

Broccoli casserole looking ass.

Look, okay, fuck you, all right?

All I'm saying is I can't be running around saying nigga all the time in front of a bunch of niggas that don't know I'm actually a nigga, my nigga.

I'll get fucked up.

You right, nigga. You almost caught that.

How you can't right now, nigga?

You lucky you my motherfucking cousin, too.

And I still don't know how you came out my auntie looking like she drank bleach at the bar for nine months, nigga.

Hey, guys. Happy Monday.

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys were talking about the N-word again.

I can see myself out.

It's all good. What's up, Taylor?

Okay, I'm sorry to be Mr. Difficult here, but I'm gonna need you to take care of that loose nail on the side of the front door walkway, man.

It's a frickin' danger zone.

It's not a big deal. I'll get to it. Whatever. It's straight.

Nigga, it'll take five minutes.

Why, thank you, T-Man.

That shit's been there for three months, fool. Somebody gonna call the police on your ass.

What is this three-way situation, okay? I do not consent right now, all right?

Why y'all gangin' up on me? Chill out.

So, yeah, you fellas wanna hear what I got into this weekend?

Nope.

Definitely not.

Well, first, I saw the new Astro Blaster movie.

Bro, why you always talking about that fantasy shit? That shit's whack as fuck, tables.

Okay, T-Man, you were just mad because you like sci-fi, and I happen to find fantasy to be deeper than outer space.

Nah, nigga, fuck that shit. Fifth Element, Valerian, my nigga, Dune with Timothy Chandelier, all that shit poppin', nigga.

But elves, hobbits, wizards, Yoda and them niggas, all that shit gay as fuck, bro.

Whoa, how can you say that?

What, niggas?

No.

It only sound bad when fuckin' cops say it and coops ask.

Hey, fuck you, man.

No, the other one.

What, hobbits?

Of course not, the other one, the worst one.

What, tables spit it out, fool?

Okay, T-Man, you can't just be running around saying gay, okay?

Hobbits are gay as fuck.

Yo, why are you saying this shit all loud in front of customers, man?

Like, you can't, they're gonna think it's homophobic.

Yeah, cause it is.

Well, I mean, not really, you know, I mean, faggot is homophobic.

But we don't be saying that shit. I don't say that shit.

Bro, why you lying to this motherfucker about that shit? You say faggot all the time, fool.

And I be saying that shit too, nigga, we say it together all the time, nigga.

Like, but when we saying it, we don't mean it like that, man.

Like, we just talking shit, nigga, that's that hood shit.

You know, when I say hobbits are gay, nigga, I don't mean they're actually fucking each other, coot.

What the fuck are you doing, man?

That's not what makes them gay, bro.

Damn, come to think about it, a little niggly helps his best friend return some jewelry, that defines gay.

Whoa.

They went to the ends of Mordor to save an entire realm.

It's a little gay, but mostly, it's just beautiful.

Boy, shut your high school musical looking ass up.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I don't know why you talking shit, you look like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Nick-nick-nick-nick-nick-nick-nick, Nickelodeon.

You don't even have cable, Coop, so I don't even know how you watch that shit.

Yeah, how about this, eat my ass, how about that? Why don't you catch me outside and eat my whole asshole, how about that?

Nigga, you just mad goddamn your shadow blacker than your ass light bright.

First of all, you know that strikes a chord with me.

Second, you so black, lightning bugs follow you in the daytime.

Buckets. Sorry, that's a horrible throw, I got weak, weak wrists.

You so white, you goddamn, I can see your thoughts. Nigga, them bitches is transparent, Coop, goddamn.

Alright, that was pretty good. But, uh, I don't know.

You so black, you carry food stamps and a money clip. How about that?

Boy, nigga, you just mad bitterly go hit your whole body at once, Michael Jackson.

Well, bro, you look like you drop common loot when you're defeated.

Oh, sorry, that's elvish for well done. High five myself.

Tables, you so white, you make Coop look like Malcolm X, my nigga.

Hey, guys.

Oh, uh, hey, Melanie.

Oh, hey, Melanie. Fuck you, T-Man.

Hi, Tables.

How was your weekend?

It was really lucrative, actually, which is good.

What, you was streaming on the internet doing the OnlyFans, Jiggy?

I had a garage sale with my mom. So, the complete opposite.

I'm just saying, goddamn, slide the panties to the side or something on the internet. These motherfuckers paying for that type of shit.

Bro.

Look, you ain't even got to fucking work up in this bitch no more. And you could probably show one nipple.

Oh, my God.

And that shit gonna pay your rent for six months straight, I guarantee it.

No, I know. But I like working here.

Well, I don't.

Okay, well, I do.

Especially when I'm not being told to, like, show my titties on camera.

I was just suggesting something lucrative that you could do for yourself. Entrepreneur type shit.

There are lots of other ways for women to make money.

Like what?

Anyway, Melanie, did you get that bracelet that you ended up wearing?

No. It's really sad. I was saving up for it. And then on the way here this morning, I was like, oh, I'm gonna see if it's in the window. It's not.

That's because the OnlyFans bitch twerked her way in the window.

And...

You know, I stoned that bitch right in front of your face.

Hey, what the fuck are y'all doing?

Well, what? Well, I don't understand. I'm over here. I'm slaving away in this motherfucker.

What is happening?

Sorry.

Okay. Can y'all... Can you sit your way and get back to work possibly? Is that okay, my Lord?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

What the fuck is this shit?

Oh my god.

You guys gonna rip duck hunt tonight?

Uh, yeah, actually.

But I'm over the ducks, you know?

I wanna go clay pigeons. That shit's way harder.

Alright, well, whatever ducks you're killing,

just remember who holds the high score, okay?

Uh, yeah, whatever. You only have that

cause tables spilled ginger ale all over the system

and fuck the cartridge up.

Okay, well, why don't we get them some sippy cups

so we don't have any more excuses, okay?

Yeah, whatever.

So, uh, how you doing? What's up in your world?

Uh, I'm okay.

I wanna get out of my mom's house

cause I'm 28, so...

You're gonna need a better job if you want your own spot

and nice shit like that bracelet

or whatever you were talking about.

God, the bracelet. Don't even remind me.

Do you know the whole story with that?

Uh, nope.

So I was out to lunch with tables the other day

and I saw it in the window.

This bracelet was sort of made out of rubies

like my grandma used to wear.

She gave it to me when I was a kid

before she died, so...

I'm sorry, what happened to it?

Uh, I traded it for nachos from this girl at Six Flags.

Oh, you're serious?

Yeah, I'm dead serious.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.

So you and tables go to lunch often?

What the fuck is that about?

Not as often as I would like.

What? You like tables?

Why? God.

Fucking like tables? Tablets?

I just, I would have never guessed.

You know, he's still like a fucking swing set

riding an Olsen twin.

He's just a nice guy and he's really sweet

and he's cute and he likes hobbits

which I think is adorable.

So...

Yeah, okay, wait, wait, wait. Imagine like you guys

do actually go out and it's like a year,

a year has gone by in time and you're

you're in love and you leave some kind of

establishment. What is this accent that you're doing?

And some like crazy ass motherfucker comes out with a

357 Magnum and points it at y'all.

Like where is his love of hobbits

and shit gonna come in handy then?

I mean, I think the better question is when is any guy's

bullshit gym routine gonna come in handy

against a bullet? You know what I mean?

Why are you so upset? You're my boss.

Why do you give a shit about whether I like

guys for their body or for their personalities?

I wouldn't say I'm upset, I just

I find it really hard to believe that

you know, a cute girl like yourself with the pick of the lot

doesn't want somebody who's like

Team Jacob Shredded. Team Jacob.

You know, like Stallone. Like fuck

and just like, Adrian, yo, yo,

Melanie! Hey yo, Melanie!

Like you could have that guy.

Sure. This is the thing, look.

We're all gonna look like shit one day, right?

We're all gonna be ugly when we're old.

You know what I mean? I'm ugly right now.

Exactly. So would you rather be with somebody

that you

like because they have a rockin' bod

and you spend all this time with them and you

grow old together and you detest the person they are

underneath, you know, Jesus'

abs and Jude Law's

jine or would you rather

fall head over heels for someone

and spend 50 years together

and pick out the perfect pot of land

to rest side by side for

all of eternity? Well thankfully I'm a

workaholic. What the fuck?

Come out here.

Hello?

Where the bottle cleaner at, nigga?

Are you serious? You couldn't take 10 steps out here

and just ask me? This was way

faster, nigga. Where's that? Do you understand

that in the time that it took for you to pull out your phone,

unlock the shit, go to your contacts, call me,

wait for the shit to fucking ring, you coulda walked

out here, took 10 steps. Cool.

Why you so upset all the time?

Cause you be doing dumbass shit

all the time. Come out here, man.

Yes, sir, master?

Aw, fuck you. Oh,

no, sir. Please, sir, don't give me no lashes

today, sir. I just wanna eat

like the rest of the slaves, sir.

Can you please pour me in the direction of

the bottle cleaner, sir? Please, I don't

want no trouble.

Nigga, where the vinyl cleaner at?

It's under the register. Why you ain't tell

me that shit when I was in there, nigga? I was just

there.

Oh, shit.

Yo, what the fuck,

man? This is my favorite fucking jacket.

Nigga, I can't believe this shit.

I told you to fix that now. Yo, Tremaine, where you

going, man? We got customers in here, bro.

Find out on the

next episode of

Nigga Ball Z.

Yo, yo.

Uh.

Listen up.

Here's news, on the making.

Uh.

Uh.

Yeah. Uh.

Uh.

Yeah. Uh.

Listen up.

Uh. There she go.

Tiemann, I knew you printed stuff. I didn't know you could actually make clothes.

I want to make clothes.

This is really awesome.

Thanks.

Sew what you reap. What's that?

That's the brand. My grandma taught me how to sew when I was in middle school before she passed.

All the kids used to make fun of me for that shit, but I figured one day I'll reap what I sew.

That's good. So what, you want to be a fashion designer?

I mean, I want to make clothes, start my own brand, maybe open up a store or some shit. That'd be dope as fuck.

Maybe collab with Pharrell.

Pharrell?

Hell yeah.

Man, you've been saying that since we were kids, bro. You just gotta do it.

Nah, bro. You the business, man. You don't want to be paying all the bills and shit, making it happen.

Nigga, I don't know how to do all that shit. I just like fucking designing and creating clothes, man.

Can you make one for me?

Anytime, Sly.

Alright.

Excuse me?

Uh, hey, hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

It's like we're having a good day, huh?

It is, yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, it's beautiful all the time.

It's beautiful in here.

Yeah, my son would like to buy some.

Oh. What?

Oh, hey, uh, can I help you with anything?

Pizza.

Uh, we don't, we don't sell pizza here.

No, Pizza Man, Jay Dilla.

Oh, snap, little man. What'd you know about Jay Dilla? Thank you.

You're welcome.

Actually, you know what? Why don't you just take this one on the house?

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Thank you. Say bye.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

All right, see ya.

Hey, uh, thank you for meeting me, sir.

Just need another extension.

Hey, I just need one more extension.

It's not a big deal.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Thanks, uh, thanks for meeting with me.

I don't know what to tell you here, kid.

How the hell do you owe $178,000?

You own a record store.

Well, I'm... it's the pandemic, you know?

I mean, it hit us really hard, and I continued to pay my employees full salary.

Yeah, why would you do that?

I mean, what was I supposed to do, just fire them?

Yes, exactly that.

You're running a business, not a soup kitchen.

Well, I mean, you know, they're not numbers to me, okay?

These people are like family.

Unfortunately, one of them actually is.

And I can sleep good at night, you know, knowing I made that decision.

Even though, ironically, I actually had to move out of my apartment.

I've been sleeping in the office.

You're currently residing in the establishment?

Yeah.

That's a violation.

What? Look, can't we, like, file an extension or something?

You already filed twice.

I'm sorry, there's nothing you can do.

No, there's gotta be something I can do.

There's not.

Look me in the eyes as a man and tell me there's nothing I can do to save my business.

There's nothing you can do.

Is that your boy?

Real handsome.

Got a strong jawline, just like his old man.

That's my daughter.

Isn't there some kind of a contingency or something we can...

I'll take a look. Don't get your hopes up.

I'll call you later, okay?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Motherfucking bitch!

Fuck it.

I had no idea.

Yeah, I know. That means I did a good job.

Here you go. Thank you.

And pancakes.

I put a little smiley face on there because you seem a little upset.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Take a bite.

Like, right this second?

Yeah.

Okay.

What is with the crunch on this?

Oh, yeah. Those are good.

What is this, toast? Is this like a toast?

I'm not even trying to sound rude at all. It's just like...

Listen to that.

Oh, that's a good crunch on that.

Good crunch on a pancake?

You don't like the crunch?

This is Captain Crunch level crunch.

This is like, what's a Master Sergeant crunch?

It's the home of the crunchy pancake.

It's been on the sign for years.

Yeah, it's on the sign up there.

Crunch on a pancake?

It's crunchy on the outside, pillowy on the inside.

Okay, I don't need the sarcastic cutting.

I'm just being funny, but look at me.

I'm being a prick.

If I can be honest with you, yeah, I'm having a bad fucking day.

Excuse me.

That's okay. I curse all the time.

Can you give me one right now?

Okay, well, there's cock fuck.

Oh, two.

Nice. You got any more?

And then there's, you know, suck my ass, suck my asshole.

Suck my gape, suck my gash.

Golly, there's suck my cunt, obviously. That's a classic.

Eat my butthole, eat my slit.

Eat the pancake?

Yeah.

Wow.

Right?

That's really amazing. Thank you so much.

You're gonna be okay.

I appreciate it.

Oh, my God, Beth.

Yeah, this fucking sucks.

Oh, God.

I don't know what to say to you.

Just don't say anything, all right?

You haven't told T-Man and Tables?

They don't know?

I haven't told them. I haven't told you because...

I was hoping there was something I could do to fix this.

You should have told them sooner. You should have told me sooner, to be honest.

I shouldn't have found out this way.

I was hoping that I could fix this, and it doesn't look like I can.

I'm still gonna try, okay?

Yeah.

Here you go, Mel.

Thank you so much.

I'm a hugger. Do you mind?

Okay.

Oh, but I don't like to be touched.

I don't like that.

Yo, what the fuck? Yo, this is crazy, bro.

It's this part where this nigga says, fuck...

Like, this crazy-ass nigga comes in, and I can't even explain it.

Excuse me, but I know you didn't just say what I think you said.

Yeah, he did. He sure did. I heard him.

No, I'm sorry. Look, it's not what it sounded like, okay?

It sounded like you about to get an ass whooping, white boy.

Hell, yeah, Unc. Jump on his ass, nigga. From the top.

You got ropes on that, nigga. I got the camera. Let's go.

No, you don't understand. I'm black.

What?

I mean, I'm half black.

I'm biracial. I'm mixed race.

Oh, shit.

Negro, please.

That's all you had to say.

Oh, yeah. Damn.

Okay, that's like my biggest fear just happened, actually.

My kids got a white mama.

Ah, damn, boy.

I bet she got good credit, too.

And one of the kids came out looking like,

you know, Mr. Clean and shit.

See, Coop, you ain't the only light-skinned nigga on earth.

Hey, can you sign for this, nigga?

Uh, yeah.

Damn, Coop, he done called you a nigga in public.

Nigga, you like that shit, don't you?

This is your moment, fool.

You been waiting on this shit since we was kids, nigga.

I feel good about it.

I know. Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

I mean, thanks, nigga.

There you go, brother.

All right. All right.

Y'all stay black.

I'll try.

Yeah, keep trying.

Have some motherfucking respect for your elders.

I'm your daddy.

Listen.

If you want a ball like me

Then you gotta hustle

Cause the pussy ain't free

If you really wanna succeed

Open up your mind, baby, take it easy

Don't push up, y'all.

That's a good question.

What's happening?

What's going on, smoke dog?

Hey, Miss Lady.

Cause the pussy ain't free

If you really wanna succeed

Open up your mind, baby, take it easy

If you really wanna succeed

Open up your mind, baby, take it easy

Open up your mind, baby, take it easy

Cause the pussy ain't free

It's ok, you just fuk this shit.

Man.

No fucking shit.

It doesn't matter. You in the streets at 70?

Nigga, I'm in the streets. I'm in the sheets. I be hustling. I be hustling, Cooper.

Hustling what?

Hustling everything. Pills. Women. I hustle them all. Anything that's gonna make me some money.

Damn. Don't you know your daddy is a P-I-M-P?

Damn, hit that. That sounded good. Hit that one more time.

P-I-M-P.

You wild, daddy. You a wild guy.

Yeah, but you know I love you.

I love you too.

You know, and you can let me know how I can help you, but I can't help you with no money, son.

My money is tied up in bonds overseas.

Nigga, what are you? James Bond overseas? What kind of shit is that?

No, man. I ain't James Bond. I'm just Smokey.

Nigga, you got some shit on your lip. What the fuck?

Okay. You good? What you doing?

I guess it must be from eating that good pussy.

You're aware you're like 70 years old?

I can still do my thing. You know? Don't you wish you'd be able to do your thing when you're my age?

Your dick still get hard?

Oh, man. Does it?

Does it? I'm asking.

Like Chinese arithmetic, brother.

Nigga, what the fuck are you talking about?

You haven't explained to me why you are losing your shop.

Hold on. Let me pretend I'm you.

Well, son. Let me tell you what you should do, son. You should open up an appliance center. Okay? Invest it in blenders, nigga. Invest it in blenders.

And I'm like, okay, dad.

Where do we at, nigga? I ain't got time for this shit.

You trying to smoke?

Damn right I'm trying to smoke.

You trying to smoke right now?

Right now.

Say, I want to smoke right now.

I want to smoke right now.

There's no way this motherfucker right here is your dad, dude.

What do you mean?

You're white as fuck, bro.

His mom's white as fuck, bro.

Look at this fucking bitch.

She was Caucasian.

I need to see some fucking proof, bro.

What? He's right in front of you.

So this is your son?

Of course. Cooper, aren't you my young man?

Yeah, nigga, drop your pants. We both got the same size dick. It's huge.

All black chicks like me, man.

What? Black you?

Black chicks don't like me, man.

Because you ain't got no dick, dude.

Yeah, nigga, that's fast as shit.

Okay, nigga, stay on the metronome, nigga, shit.

Your grandmother told me that pussy ain't nothing but meat on a bone.

You can fuck it, you can suck it, you can leave it alone.

Alone?

Yeah.

One and only. These are the motherfuckers, phonies.

Straight up.

The only thing that's offensive about somebody saying n***a is when they say n***er.

Yeah.

Makes you proud.

When Leonardo DiCaprio did that shit in Django, I was f***ed up.

But that was a bar, man. He had to play that n***a.

He played it, n***a, to my heart, n***a. I was mad at the n***a ever since. I don't even f*** with his movies no more.

Cause she's a crackhead b***h, suckin' on a glass dick.

Say what? Say what?

What? What?

She's a crackhead b***h, suckin' on the devil's ding dong n***a.

T-Man, what the f***? What are you doing?

Just making sure, n***a.

What? It's not broken.

He's making sure no one's stealing. Like he always is.

Bro. Are you serious? You know, we've only ever had one shoplifter and the kid was like 12. And you literally punched him in the stomach.

Nah, n***a. You never know, fool. Look around this motherf***er. First of all, we ain't got no cameras, n***a.

Need to invest in the motherf***ing camera system.

Cause look, n***as, it could be this old motherf***er in the back, acting all weird and alone and s***.

Or them gay Chinese n***as over there.

Wait, wait, wait. Why you gotta say they're gay?

Cause I saw them gay ass n***as kissing outside when I was smoking a doinker earlier, fool.

I don't give a f*** them n***as is gay, cool? I'm just making an observation, fool. They gay, so what?

You've done gay s*** before, n***a. I don't give a f***.

What? What gay s***?

It's not... I mean...

You know when you're...

You're like...

You're like young, like 11, 12, and you're spending the night at your homie's house.

And it's like a sleepover, and you guys are both under the covers.

You've got the flashlight, and you're telling...

You're f***ing reading Goosebumps and s***, and everything's all fun.

And then the lights go out.

And, uh, you know, the hands come out.

And the next thing you know, you're jerking your friend off, and he's jerking you off.

And you're, like, totally pretending it's Jessica Chasmore from Fourth Period.

And it's like a whole thing.

But it's, you know...

It's not gay.

It's, I mean, kinda gay.

But not really.

Just more about, like, trying to figure it out and, like, explore.

That's all it was.

You know?

Like, three times.

Five times.

Max.

Five times, fool?

It took you five times to realize you wasn't gay, Coop?

That's a lot, n***a.

Yeah, that's true.

It's not like I came.

Well, I mean, I did have an orgasm.

But it was just, I was so young, it was like ghost loads.

Nothing came out.

What about that time you sucked that n***a's d***, fool?

Oh.

You sucked her d***?

I mean, I didn't suck his d***.

You know what I mean?

It was just more like a little lick.

Look.

Explain yourself, n***a.

Oh, my God.

I licked his d*** three times.

Four or five dollars in which he did not give me.

And the lesson I got was, do not suck d*** for money.

And foreskin is salty.

And that was it.

Coop, I wonder if this sort of sounds like you might have been assaulted.

Actually, I have been molested.

It wasn't that.

Trust me.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like I was saying, n***a, I don't give a f*** if n***as is gay, fool.

Shh.

Well, then why you gotta say they're Chinese?

You don't know, man.

They could be Taiwanese.

They could be Korean.

They could be Japanese.

Like, what the f***?

Have some respect.

You don't know that they're Chinese.

There are people in the store.

I heard them fools talking a little chit-chat s*** earlier, talking about some Tinh-wan-wa

or Chiang Kai-ni, n***a, in Mandarin.

Uh, what does that mean?

It means I wanna f*** you tonight.

Oh.

Wait.

Hold on.

You know Mandarin?

I know things, n***a.

I taught myself that s*** to get better prices on fabric downtown.

And another thing I motherf***ing know, somebody in this b***h is stealing some s*** right

now, n***a.

And it's probably who you least expected, fool.

Like who?

Oh, like that pregnant b***h over there.

I bet she's shoving merchandise up her p***y, n***a.

Shut the f*** up.

Shhh.

Shut the f*** up.

This is like the definition of ignorance.

If you opened the dictionary and searched for the word ignorant...

T-man, right there.

Yes.

I looked it up.

It is.

It's his face.

She's not stealing.

Look, I know, fool.

I just didn't realize how fine she was.

Damn.

F*** it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bro, what's up?

Yo!

Slade, bro.

What the f***, man?

Bro, I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I know.

I know, man.

Yeah, you know me.

I'm just out here dodging cops and copping digits.

It's the same as always.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I got arrested for a little bit.

I was in jail for like three weeks.

So that's why, like, my bad.

I didn't hit you up and see if you wanted to re-up on the weed.

But hopefully it lasted.

You know what?

If I can be honest with you, and I swear to God I'm not just saying this, it was the

best f***ing weed I've ever smoked in my life.

That's what I'm aiming to do.

I'm here to supply.

Yeah, just...

It's a good time.

...the last roach of it this morning, and I was going to hit the dispensary, actually.

Whoa, whoa.

Uh-uh.

What?

Don't ever say that word in front of me again.

What?

Dispens...

You kidding me?

You cannot.

I mean, you cannot buy from those Ronald McDonald McFuck assholes.

All right?

You gotta buy from the people who live to supply.

You know?

All right.

Well...

What you got?

Me?

Oh, I got nothing.

What do you mean?

You sell weed.

No.

No, no, no.

Not no more.

I'm on house arrest.

See?

Wait, wait.

You're on house arrest right now?

Mm-hmm.

That's why I can't sell you weed.

Yeah, but you also can't leave your house.

Do you understand that?

No, no, no.

I can.

I put pillows under the blankets, so when they get there, we're all good.

Home alone, that shit.

You know what I mean?

You're f***ing joking.

You're joking.

No, dude, you Macaulay Cole can't leave your home alone when you're on house arrest.

You're wearing an ankle bracelet.

So I have to leave with someone?

Home alone?

What I'm trying to tell you, you're wearing an ankle bracelet...

Yeah.

...that is supposed to monitor you inside of your house.

Uh-huh.

And you're outside of your house.

But the pillows...

But the bracelet.

Slater, do the math.

You look like f***ing Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover right now.

I think I f***ed up.

Yeah, you think you f***ed up?

I know you f***ed up.

Oh, I gotta go home.

Yes, you do.

Oh, man, I gotta go home.

Like, right now.

Okay.

I think you're right.

Yeah.

Yeah, f***.

I gotta go home.

Go home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

But you need weed, right?

I never leave a brother dry.

Just call this number.

You see?

All right?

Bob.

He's not gonna say nothing.

Just tell him how much you want, where to meet him, what time.

He'll be there.

Wait.

What do you mean he's not gonna say anything?

Like, I'm gonna call him and...

Yeah.

He won't talk at all.

You mean like, like Helen Keller?

No, no, no.

He leaves his attic.

So it's all good.

I can't let you hold me back.

There it is.

Hey, Cooper.

How are you?

Oh, s***.

What's up, bro?

What happened to you?

Bro?

Do I look like bro right now?

I'm offended.

Address me as the queen I am.

Is this really what we're doing?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

All right.

Well...

Hi, b***h.

Oh, my God.

You look so motherf***ing beautiful.

You just look so damn good.

You just bust it on the floor.

Oh, my God.

Is that good enough?

Why you have to be such an a**hole like that?

You better kiss my hand.

That I'm not doing.

That is definitely not happening.

Yes, it is.

Kiss it.

Please kiss my hand.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

All right.

I always get my way.

Anyway, motherf***er, what's up?

I have a huge gig tonight at the Aquarius Theater.

I'm looking for something to get jiggy with.

Big Willie style.

Yes.

It's giving vibes.

You know, because Will Smith...

Slaps.

You're crazy, dude.

I mean, sister.

I'm not your bro.

I'm not your sister.

I'm not a dude.

But I can be your homegirl.

I'm not your bro.

Anyway, why don't you just take this on the house?

Cooper, that's so sweet of you.

Thank you.

Yeah, come on.

Of course.

Yeah.

Make sure you're safe and don't do nothing too crazy and break a leg.

My legs are always broke.

All right.

For sure.

Peace out.

You're cute.

See you later, girl.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey, dude.

What's up?

What's up, white boy?

Do you sell drugs?

What?

Like, are you holding?

Holding this dick, motherfucker.

What you looking for?

Can I have $20 worth, please?

Yeah.

Put it right there, nigga.

Quick.

Move quick.

Don't look around, either.

How the hell did you find me anyway, white boy?

On this subreddit, it was called Black People of Bend.

What the fuck was you doing on Black People of Bend, though?

I think black women are extremely beautiful.

Mm.

Me too, nigga.

This nigga cool.

This nigga cool.

This nigga cool.

This nigga cool.

Grab that shit quick.

Grab it quick.

Grab it quick.

Do you sell any coke or brown?

Hell no.

Or, like, hydras or ketamine or norcos or oxys or Percocets or triple Cs?

What?

Do you sell any Lexapro?

I don't fuck with none of them white people drugs.

Only what comes out of Mother Nature's pussy, nigga.

Osampic.

No.

Get the fuck out of here.

What?

Get the fuck out of here.

What?

Get the fuck out of here, white boy.

Go, nigga.

Quick.

Move.

Move.

Fast.

Hurry up.

Nigga, go.

Get the fuck out of here.

Go.

What did I say about selling weed in the store?

Not to sell it.

Okay.

Coop, that was just oregano.

Nigga, it ain't that deep.

Chill, come on.

It is that deep.

What if he starts smoking it and fucking acting like an Italian?

Nigga, these motherfuckers be so drugged out on other shit they can't even tell the difference.

Coop, what you talking about?

Look, bro.

I don't want some motherfucker who looks like God and dogma in my store, okay?

I don't want these people around.

What if he comes back here?

Then I'll beat their ass.

Coop, you know what I'm saying?

You know what time it is?

Well, what if one of these kids fucking tells their parents?

Coop, first of all, what type of drug addict tells their parents they on drugs?

My nigga, that shit sound crazy.

And second, even if they did, fool, what they gonna do?

Call the police?

Like, uh, yes, officer.

Uh, there's a large nigger at Paradise Records.

Can we please send a SWAT team down there?

He's selling fake marijuana.

Can you chill for a second?

You might not be taking this shit seriously, but I take it seriously.

What is wrong with you?

You need to fucking start acting more professional, bro.

Bro, why are you coming to me like that, Coop?

You're selling fake weed in the store.

At work.

Bro, you acting like we gonna lose the shop over that little ass play, nigga.

Chill.

No, it's not even about that, bro.

At this point, I just feel like you take advantage of me.

You walk all over me, man.

You fucking show up late.

You leave early.

Coop, I was on time every single day this week.

Nigga, what you talking about?

Tremaine, it's Monday.

Look, all I'm saying, you know what?

I don't even want to have this conversation with you right now.

Go to lunch, please.

Take your break.

Thank you, employee.

Goodbye.

Nigga, I'm not even hungry, fool.

I don't get it.

I don't give a fuck.

Go take your lunch.

Nigga, I ain't gonna take no lunch.

But what I will do, Coop, Light Bright, Casper,

is I'll go smoke me a little doinker, nigga,

because you is tripping right now.

Cooper?

Hey.

Mike.

Mike Hawk.

Your neighbor.

You know why I'm here.

Just do us both a favor, finally.

Sell me your location, okay?

Uh, no thanks.

What are you talking about?

Okay.

Listen.

A little birdie told me that you're going through some financial troubles.

Let me help you.

I'll buy your shop.

Everybody wins.

Uh, what are you...

No.

I literally lose my shop and every...

No.

How do I win in that situation?

Okay.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I can't handle the word no.

Uh...

So let's just avoid that.

Okay?

Think about it a little bit longer.

Get back to me.

Okay?

I'll even hire all your people.

All of them.

Everybody wins.

You know, I really wish T-Man was here right now to say some racist white people shit.

God, that would make us uncomfortable, wouldn't it?

Hey.

Us white people gotta stick together.

What the...

What?

What?

What?

Hey.

I'm just saying what we're both thinking.

Just call me about this, okay?

I'll buy it.

I'm not white.

Man, what's up with white devil Cooper talking to me like that, bro?

Yeah, man.

I don't know.

He's honestly been acting kind of strange for the last few weeks.

Homie don't play that shit, man.

And he lucky he my cousin.

Treat me like an employee and shit.

Okay, not to play white devil's advocate here, but you were selling drugs inside of

his business.

Bro, it wasn't fucking drugs.

And he's lucky I got people coming in this slow ass motherfucker.

Coop was being an asshole, Tails.

Okay, T-Man.

I'm gonna level with you.

When Cooper started this business, he could have hired anybody in the...

anybody in the greater Portland area to be there for him when he did, but he chose you.

Right.

Okay?

And yeah, you're a decent employee, but you sell fake drugs and you often show up late

and then usually leave early.

So when you think about it, you're kind of being the asshole.

Yeah.

Real talk with tables.

Mic drop.

Man, fuck that mic.

But don't kick my mic, man.

Okay.

I'm coming for you.

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Look, I just... I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier.

Cool. I get it, man.

I'm trying to tell you that I was so pissed off earlier because I'm losing the show.

Because I was being a fucking asshole, bro. I know.

No, Tremaine.

Look, bro. I'm not good at apologizing and saying I'm sorry and all that shit, bro.

But you're the responsible one, Coop.

You're the one who gave me a job when I needed it.

You're the one who owns the shop, bro. I'm gonna be paying all the bills and shit.

I get it. Just listen to what I'm trying to say.

Nah, nigga. You listen.

This place, it means a lot to me, cuz.

This opportunity you gave me, bro.

Shit's life changing, man.

Looked out for your big cousin, man, when he needed it most.

I was down and out, man.

Just scraping up change, hustling, whatever I could, bro.

You saw that, man. You fucking pulled me out of that gutter, bro.

Gave me this chance, man.

And I'll fucking always fucking love you for that shit, bro.

And I don't mean to be coming in this bitch and fucking it up.

Taking it for granted.

So you know what, nigga?

I'm gonna stop selling oregano.

And I'm gonna stop showing up like a fool.

Thank you, Tremaine. I really appreciate it, man.

I got your back to the end, nigga. Remember that shit.

Okay.

You know, cats like us, we don't really talk about our emotions.

I'm just dealing with shit.

Like anybody.

And I don't think I'm ready to really talk about it.

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how I was acting.

And I care about you.

And you have been there for me.

I appreciate it.

We family, nigga. We good?

Of course we're good.

Nigga!

Oh, Pee-wee Herman-looking-ass nigga.

Boy, you look like you moan when you shit.

Nigga, fuck you!

That shit feels good sometimes, nigga.

Your hairline look goddamn cursive, nigga.

Your credit score is a single digit.

Well, you look like Bobby Hill.

Your beard makes your entire face look like it's made out of pubes.

You look like an extra on Bebe's Kids.

That's a deep black reference, nigga.

Well, nigga, you look like salt.

Alright, something I can relate to.

It's been called color.

Mulatto.

Zebra.

Light bright.

You niggas questioning if I can even say nigga.

DJ Trevor!

Get up! Get up! Get up!

Yo, you a cop?

What?

I said, are you a fucking cop?

We're not selling donuts here, motherfucker.

Oh, no, I got your number from Slaydro.

The fuck did you just say?

I said I got your number from Slaydro.

Slaydro?

Slaydro?

Yeah.

Wicked, wicked, wicked, why didn't you just say so, man?

He's a brother from another mother.

Oh, okay.

We spent six months in a joint with him, man.

He talks a lot and he's on the spectrum.

But his weed is fucking smashing.

It is pretty fucking good, but I heard y'all got that shit.

So, uh, can I get something off you guys?

Yo, man, there's an art to this, man.

You gotta put $100 in the palm of my hand.

Yeah, listen, I'm sorry.

I'm not...

I'm really not trying to sound like an asshole or anything,

but can I just...

Can I just buy some fucking weed?

What, he doesn't want to hear me sing?

What the fuck?

Yeah.

Okay, white boy!

Take this shit and get the fuck out of here, then!

Enjoy the blueberry buttfucker.

Did you just say blueberry buttfucker?

What?

I don't know.

Is this weed called blueberry buttfucker?

Yeah, why?

You afraid to get a little buttfucked?

Get a little buttfucked?

Me and my hydro life mate don't have time for people who don't know the art of weed.

Oh, my God, I can't fucking believe this.

Okay.

What do you got?

Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.

We got the classic Snoogins OG.

That's right, Snoochie Boochies, nugs tighter than a nun's coochie.

Shit, that must be fucking tight as shit.

And then we got blueberry buttfucker, which you already know about.

Clearly.

And then my personal favorite, Goldilocks.

Why is it called that?

Because it's just right.

All right, give me some of the Goldie shit.

Yeah, son.

All right, thanks a lot.

Appreciate it.

Well, yo, oh, my God, this is fucking...

Paradise Records.

This is loan officer Banks.

Can I speak to Cooper Johnson, please?

Yeah, one second, please.

Uh, this is Cooper.

Well, as we discussed, I looked through your file,

and there's really nothing in here that can extend the $178,000 that you owe.

The fact is, you have to sell and repay your debt,

or the bank will attain your business and all its assets.

If you'd like to come in, we can...

I left it by the front.

Dude, I'm telling you, it's not here. I've already loaned.

Literally.

You bitch-ass nigga, you're gonna fucking tell us, nigga?

Tell us what?

That we losing the fucking shop tables,

and we about to lose our fucking job, too, bro.

Oh, Cooper, what is he talking about?

He was gonna tell you guys. It's cool.

You told this bitch before us, nigga? Your old cousin?

Hey, T-man, normally I know when you say bitch, you don't mean it like that,

but if you say it in that tone one more fucking time,

I'm gonna fucking cut your dick off.

Look, I was gonna tell you guys.

Yeah, sure you are, nigga.

Listen to what I'm saying, okay?

It's just, it's been this whole...

Dude, this is really fucked up.

I thought the shop was doing great.

It is doing great.

It is. I'm just trying to tell you guys.

How could you fucking do this, Coop?

Oh, my God!

How could I do this?

How could I do this?

What the fuck?

I have been sleeping in the fucking office.

I'm cooking eggs on a fucking propane camping setup.

I've been washing my balls in the sink.

What?

I had to move out of my fucking apartment for you!

All right, so I'm sorry.

I'm fucking sorry that I did everything I could

and borrowed money from the bank

to try to keep this fucking place afloat.

Yo, move!

Uh, well, that definitely sheds some more light on the situation.

Yeah, well, that smells like fucking balls in the bathroom.

Yo, what's that thing where white people show up

and they give away money

because they feel bad for you and shit?

A fundraiser?

No, nigga, not a fucking fundraiser.

Fucking... what am I thinking of?

Oh, church, nigga, yeah, church.

Kanye did it, remember?

Hmm.

Mike Hawk offered to buy the shop out.

If he does that,

I'll have enough money to pay the bank back

and kind of start fresh, I guess.

Mike Hawk?

That guy's a douche.

And I thought you said we could keep our jobs.

Yeah, he'd employ you.

I don't want to work at some lame-ass arcade, nigga.

What if we just sold a bunch of inventory?

I mean, not to sound like an asshole,

but that's literally what I try to do every single day for a living,

as much as I can.

Yeah.

That's my nephew.

How you doing? What's going on?

Oh, shit, it's Uncle Tony.

Cool?

That's right.

It's Uncle Tony.

How you doing?

What's up?

We're good?

Yeah, we're great.

You're good?

Everything's great?

I'm fucking great.

I just did a bump in the parking lot.

What's going on with you?

You good?

Hey, Uncle Tony.

Look at this kid.

Doesn't he look just like me?

It's weird.

It's so weird.

I don't know how you came out of my sister's vagina and not my balls.

It's like a spitting image.

You're a fucking sexy beast.

I just want to say it's funny because, you know, he's actually half black.

Oh.

I know.

I mean, his father is, you know, his father's black.

But he doesn't look it at all.

He's like, it's my identity.

It's my identity.

It's who I am.

No, it's fucking not.

He can't identify as black, moron.

He's a fucking idiot.

You know what I love?

Black women, clearly.

You see what I'm talking about?

Uncle Tony loves the black women.

Incredible.

And when I'm with you, it is just like, I'm like the only white man that was ever invited

to Wakanda.

You know what I mean?

Wakanda thinks I do that pussy.

I'll never tell.

I'll never tell.

I fucked it.

I did.

Uh, hello.

Oh shit.

How fucking long have I been standing here?

I'm sorry, everybody.

This is Candelabra.

Candelabra.

This is Cooper here.

Cooper, this is Candelabra.

This is Candelabra.

Hello there.

Hi.

I'm Candelabra.

It's so nice to meet you.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm a hugger.

Okay.

Oh, all right.

Okay, there.

Oh, I gotta get that.

So this album right here, oh my God, it was like late, what was it?

78?

Sometimes it's hard to remember.

But this disco record was fucking everything.

19 motherfucking 78, right?

The music, the movies, the fucking disco, and the comedy.

I mean, you know, George Carlin, Richard Pryor.

Pryor to what?

Anyway, so yeah, it was just comedy.

You said whatever you want.

You know, you weren't trying to hurt anybody or anything like that.

It was crazy.

I mean, back then, people could take a joke like you take a dick, sweetheart.

What up?

Sorry.

Do you actually think that is true?

Well, clearly you do, because you're kind of just saying whatever the fuck you want.

Uh, yes, young lady, I do.

You haven't seen how talented Candelabra is.

She could suck the white off rice.

She'd turn my foreskin into an eight-skin.

Yeah, that wasn't what I was talking about.

I'm talking about how it seems like you think that women are objects.

Well, well, just retract the claws, pussycat.

I mean, you're no harm.

I come in peace.

Actually, I come quite aggressively.

You like this or...?

I'm a dirty daddy king.

Okay. Best of luck to you.

Damn, somebody really upset this bitch.

Hey, half-breed, let's go. I gotta talk to you about something.

Look, kid, I hate to keep hitting you up for cash like this, you know what I'm talking about?

But I need it, all right? I fucking need it.

Uncle Tony, I don't have it.

What are you talking about? What do I look like, a fucking god?

Yeah, I don't have any money.

Do I look like some kind of fucking god to you?

Is that what you think? All right? Huh? Listen to me.

What do you mean, what am I talking about? You fucking...

Your auntie in there, Candelabra.

You come in here all the time, man. You're always asking me for shit.

She means a lot to me.

I do, I know for you.

We're in fucking love.

All right? Because we're family and you were there for me.

Oh my God, she's down for anything.

All the things, all the positions, all the styles, you know?

And sometimes it's only like $20 extra. It's crazy.

Now, our love, listen, our love, listen, is by the hour.

Okay, I need to tell you something.

What, the gay thing? I know.

What? No.

It's not a big deal, whatever. Fuck who you want.

What is with everyone thinking I'm gay?

Why does everybody say this?

You think I'm a fucking...

Listen to what I'm saying to you.

I don't get it.

Listen to what I'm saying to you.

I got some wise guys after me, okay?

I owe some people some money I shouldn't have fucked around with, okay?

And I need a little bit of help from you. I need about $1,000.

Uncle Tony, I don't have any money to give you.

Come on.

When do I ask you for things? You know?

Tony, this is not a good time for me, man.

I'm not trying to be all extra and emotional or whatever.

I'm in danger. I think I need...

I'm gonna need about $1,000 from you, please.

All right?

All right, listen.

Nephew, I want to thank you so much.

I will not forget what you did here today, all right? You know?

Of course.

All right, you fucking little mudblood?

I'm not gay, by the way.

You never saw me, mulatto. Let's go.

Bye, Uncle Tony.

All right, bye.

Bye, Candelabra.

Bye.

Damn, there they are.

Damn!

Oh, no, my dress.

Here you go.

No.

This is crazy.

Damn, fuck that nail.

That shit happened to me earlier.

I'll fix that shit for you.

Really?

Yeah, no problem.

I got you.

Thank you.

All right, well, look.

Since you seem to be wrapped up over here, I think I'm gonna go get a slushie.

And then I'll just sit in the car and jerk off for a little bit, wait for you, you know

what I'm talking about?

And I'll see you in two shakes of a Lambsdale, sweetheart, all right?

Okay, baby.

Okay, bye.

Goddamn.

You're a lifesaver.

Easy call.

Thanks a million.

It's as good as new.

Like nothing in the world.

Nothing ever happened.

Hell yeah.

Anytime, slime.

I got you.

Bye, guys.

Bye, candelabra.

Two minutes.

In and out.

How's the radio?

Nothin'.

My gloves.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Let's get another one.

Remember, 240 seconds.

Front door to the teller.

Back to work.

Back out.

No bills from the bottom.

No die packs.

Nobody fucks with you.

You shoot him.

Why the fuck did you borrow that money from Frankie and Campbell, by the way?

He's going to fucking kill us.

Now's not the time, you understand me?

One minute.

Masks.

Fucking go time.

Everybody on the ground.

Move.

Don't you do it.

Don't you fucking do it.

Police son killed another black man.

What?

Can't walk, can't drive, can't even send our kids to school without wondering if we gonna see them again, Coop.

Fuck the police, man.

Yeah, man, I saw that shit today. It really fucked me up.

Nah, nigga, fuck every last one of them niggas.

I mean, not all cops are bad, bro.

Nigga, what kind of half-free, all-lives-matter shit is that, Coop?

Why you gotta say shit like that? I'm just simply saying, not all cops, you know, just wanna kill brothers.

I think there are some police officers who genuinely wanna protect and serve. That's all I'm saying.

Nigga, if you got one dirty cop sitting at a table with nine whole-hearted police officers, newsflash, Coop,

you got ten dirty cops sitting at the table eating fucking donuts and shit, my nigga.

Look, I'm just saying, what type of self-respecting human being judges another solely off the color they skin, my nigga?

What type of shit is that?

Excuse me.

Hip-hop's in the back, nigga.

What the fuck?

Anyways...

I'm sorry about that, sir. Welcome to Paradise. How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the hip-hop section.

It's right there in the back.

Already.

Okay, thank you.

Exactly, nigga.

What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?

What?

What do you mean, what?

You say all that shit that you just said, and then you tell a black man who walked into the store, didn't even open his mouth to ask a question, you tell him hip-hop's in the back?

That's racist.

Nigga, first of all, I'm black, fool. You forgot? I can't be racist, Coop.

And second, nigga, why the hell is the hip-hop section all the way in the back, nigga?

That's some Rosa Parks-ass shit, nigga. Your half-white side is creeping out a little bit on that one.

Shut the fuck up.

And third, my nigga, what I said wasn't racist, fool. It was prejudice.

Mike Hawk has entered. Cooper.

Let's have a talk in my new office.

Fuck an arcade. I don't want to work for a white man.

You already do.

Oh, my God. Look, Tremaine, just chill out, okay? I'll be back in a second.

I don't get why it is so hard for you to let go of this.

What do you mean? Why do you say it like that? This is awesome. I love this place, man, you know? And, I mean, how would you feel if you had to get rid of your business?

It wouldn't happen.

You know, I really care about these people, man. I don't know about you and how you feel, but these people are my family, man.

Look, I'll keep them on board.

I know. We talked about it. I appreciate it.

Until they fuck up, and then I'll fire them, okay? I mean, that one guy, for sure getting fired quick. I just don't think he can hack it, but the rest of them will have a fair shake. Look, are we going to do this?

Hey, do we have a deal?

Okay, it's a deal. Say it.

What?

Say it all.

I have a deal with Mike. Yes.

Say my full name.

I have a deal with Mike Hock.

Atta boy!

Huh?

Ow.

Why don't you tell that nice girl you love her, right?

I love you with all my heart.

It's so cliche, you know.

If you don't call me again I'm gonna die.

You're a fucking wise guy quoting lines from the Godfather. Cliche. I have too much…

What was your favorite part?

I'm self aware to do that. What was my favorite part? I don't like the movie.

You didn't like the movie?

I don't like the Godfather.

Are you serious?

Hey, I don't like the Godfather. Boom! You know what I mean? Someone comes out of the fucking corner, whacks me out.

Fuck the Godfather!

Yeah, I'm not into it, man.

You know what, it's just some stupid shit in that movie.

A little pause... and we are back.

A chameleon.

A boogly-eyed chameleon.

This committee owes an apology!

This committee owes an apology!

Hollywood is bull. A bunch of pedophiles.

Don't mean to interrupt you. I'm sorry. Can I help you?

How you doing?

We are looking for...

what's his name? Cooper.

Cooper.

I'm... that's... I'm Cooper.

Yeah, how you doing, Cooper? We know.

Wait, then why did you just ask me?

That's...

formality.

What? What do you mean?

Why did you ask me? Formality. Excuse me?

Formality.

Okay, well, anyway, what's up?

Your uncle

is a cocksucking

motherfucker, piece of shit, rat

fuck, bastard, cunt, little

rat cunt. You understand me?

I know.

Let me tell you what about your uncle, okay? He's a public

embarrassment. He hangs around our crew.

He acts like he's one of us. He was never

sworn in. You know why? He's half-Hungarian

Jew. You're not allowed to be in this.

fucking group if you're a fucking...

He's a fucking Hungarian Jew.

Wait, sworn in to what? We don't fuck

with those kinds of people. What, Jews?

That's correct.

What are you, Kanye West?

Listen to me now. If you can't put two and two together,

we can't help you put four, five, six, or

seven together. Can I help you? I don't get it.

What the fuck? Your uncle Tony

owes us quite a bit of money.

He made a fuck-up. You see?

He owes us 5G hard.

He fucked up... Oh, yeah.

You're the guys. Five hard Gs.

Oh, he told you about us, huh? We can't find

the motherfucker. Right? You reached

out to him on Snapchat, right? Is he here?

Is he here?

He came in here earlier, being

himself, and

told me that he was,

you know, going through some things and he needed

some money.

I gave him money to give you guys, so I don't understand

what's happening. Oh! Really? How much?

A thousand dollars to help

pay you guys back. I didn't

realize... Listen to me. He owes us

5G hard. How are we going to get that money?

I'll tell you how we're going to get that money.

We're going to make sure you give it to us.

Let's cut the bullshit.

We're going to come back in a few hours.

For what? For the fucking 5G.

From who?

From you, motherfucker. And if you don't have

the shit, we're going to break every

toe in your body. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Every one of your toes will be broken.

Yo, hold up. We don't fucking play that shit

at Paradise. What, y'all think we some fucking

moolies or something? What's that, huh?

How about that? Ah, keep talking.

Fuck away.

Listen, I'm sorry, I don't

have the money. I literally don't have the...

I mean, you could fucking open this shit

right now. There's just nothing in there.

Do you know how many men I've mutilated?

Tell me how many men I've mutilated.

We have crucified

people.

Excuse me?

Like... like Jesus?

Exactly.

Exactly like that. That's our calling card.

Like, exactly like that.

It's a thing we do. Last week, I crucified a Guatemala

grocer. Whoa. I crucified

his ass and threw a fucking honeydew melon at his face.

I was there.

I was there. It was pretty funny,

actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get the fuck viewed out there. We'll be back in

like four hours in there. Four and a half

hours. Give us some time.

Alright?

Yellow. That's the

good color. It's at six

dollars. Shove it up your ass.

Let's get this over

with, shall we? I got a

date with a lady I met on Ashley

Madison. Are you married?

You see a fucking ring?

No, you don't. It's not time for time.

Look, hold on. Whatever

you guys are doing, could you just do me a favor and do

it outside?

Please, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to sound rude. There's a lot going on.

Okay? Thank you. Fuck.

Anyway. I left my phone in the car.

I'll be right back. What? Oh my god.

Did he say his name was My

Cock? Yo, Sladro.

Hey, man. It's me. What about

the ankle bracelet?

It's not there no more.

Oh my god. You just busted it open.

Yeah. I was supposed to turn

it back in to them like

six weeks ago, but I got super stoned, so I forgot.

You thought you were on house

arrest this whole time and you're not?

That is the most Sladro shit

I think I've ever heard, actually. T-Man and I are

gonna go watch a movie with the aid of

these puppies.

Nice noise. Bro, what the fuck?

I thought they were gummies, Slay. What are you

talking about? I got grandma's finest

recipe. I did eat

half of them on the way here, and I'm

not gonna lie, I don't remember how I

got here. Well, I guess I'm driving,

fool. Yeah, and one of these has

a butt ton of acid in it. It's a Russian

roulette, baby. Hey, what's up, Poop?

Oh, shit. What's up, girl?

How you doing? Nigga, what the fuck? We just

talked about this. What you mean? Do I

look like your homegirl right now? I call you one

thing, you get upset. I call you another thing,

you're upset. I'm with it. I'm with the pronouns.

I'm with the they, the thems, the anything.

Whatever you want, that's what I'll do. Why

are you making it difficult? It's pretty

simple. When I'm bald-headed,

you can call me bro. But when

I have a gorgeous, sickening wig on,

I'm your homegirl.

That's actually extremely simple.

You're welcome. I thought you had that, uh, your

private gig or whatever.

It got canceled. What? You got Kevin

Spacey'd? What did you do?

It's a long story. I need to drink

it out, to be honest. You wanna go have one?

There's a lot going on. Just let me finish

closing up, and then we'll do that. Cool. Take your

time. I'm gonna go take a shit.

Okay. It's a little bit of a TMI.

Enjoy that turd out of your

asshole. Oh, hey. Hi. Hi.

Just that.

Yeah. You know, you've been in

here a pretty long,

long time, all throughout

the day, and this is all you, all you got?

Yeah, I didn't really find anything

I want. Hm. Okay.

Go ahead.

Um, a dollar, right? Sorry. Yeah. Whoa.

What the? What is this? Smells like

your perfume. Ew. Oh, wait, no.

I'm not trying to smell your tits. Oh, shit!

Nigga, look at this shit! A standoff between

police officers and two wanted

bank robbers is ongoing as they

flee through the city.

Fuck.

Bro, that shit's happening a block over,

Coop. Right?

Thank you.

I told you that bitch was stealing,

nigga! Get her ass! Oh, my God!

What the fuck?

Hey, take a walk, Frodo! Get the

fuck back! Don't fucking look at me! Shut the fuck

up! Alright, everybody back up.

Back the fuck up. You were to back

the fuck up, just do what he says!

I need keys, who's got the fucking

keys? Who's got the keys? Give him the

fucking keys! I got em, I got em, they're

right here. Come on, come on. Give him

the fucking keys! Get the fuck over here.

Get the fuck... do you want some of this?

Alright! Watch them!

Lock the fucking door. Lock it.

Pick em up, fucker! Okay.

Okay. I'm sorry. Calm the fuck down. Let's

do this, make it slow, okay? Yes sir.

Don't do anything stupid, fucking head's gone. Right?

Right? And hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck is that?

Somebody's gonna get hurt! Get the fuck back!

Get the fuck back!

He's stoned. Come on. I'll fuck you up!

Playjob, please. What the fuck is going on with this guy?

He's on shrooms, dawg.

Where's the other exit? It's just the one door.

Alright, that's a serious safety hazard.

Alright, where's the pisser?

It's through this door and down the hallway.

Everybody sit down. Sit the fuck down!

Hey, hey. Why are you yelling? I'm not yelling.

No, you aren't yelling. No, you're yelling.

No, my ears are... You're yelling. My ear's yelling.

My ears are ringing. Don't do that. That can hurt yourself.

Pissers back there. Watch them.

I got... You hear me? And hey...

Just relax. You're doing great.

I'm doing great.

Shut the fuck up!

These 40X seats are great.

I can feel his spin.

Shut the fuck up! Don't even fucking move!

Hey, he says, what is wrong with you?

They won't fucking listen, Daryl!

Jesus Christ, not a cracker.

Everybody up. Now.

Get the fuck up!

Let's go, please.

I want you over there.

Check the door.

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Come on.

There you go.

Everybody get comfy.

All right? Sit down.

Sit the fuck down!

Hey, Daryl, really? You used my real name?

What did I say about using a code name?

Well, they don't fucking know.

Maybe Daryl was a code name.

Those motherfuckers caught me outside.

They used me as a human shield.

They dragged me in here.

And now I'm with you motherfuckers.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Are we all good? Is everybody good?

Hell no, we ain't good, nigga.

Oh, it's still good?

Yeah, it's still good.

Still good, Bobby Grundlesmith of 503 Milkwater fucking Way?

You asshole.

What the fuck, dude?

Why the fuck would you give away my address?

I mean, this guy's address is Bobby's.

I'm not Bobby, by the way.

You fucking idiot.

What is wrong with you?

I'm gonna make you go sit over there with them.

I'm gonna make you sit over there with them.

Jesus Christ.

I'll fucking do it.

You can tell these actors trained.

They know how to hold the gun.

They're really good.

Don't you fuck...

No, no, stop!

You want some of this?

You want some of this?

Stop!

Don't fucking do it.

This is because my sister dropped me under fire.

Why the hell you bring my mother into this?

The Coen brothers know what they're doing.

They got good people.

You think we're in a fucking movie?

This is happening.

Huh?

This is happening right now.

I know.

This movie is an experience.

Stop!

You put that fucking gun at me again, I will fucking kill you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do it.

Okay?

We understand each other?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what?

You're a good boy.

You're doing good.

You're making mom proud, okay?

Whole family's proud of you.

Okay.

Now listen.

You ready?

Okay?

You good?

I'm gonna go.

You're going to piss.

I'll take care of some shit.

You watch these morons.

All right?

You're doing good.

All right?

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

You fucking got it now.

Put your gun up on him.

Good.

Good.

Hey, listen.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Anybody fucking moves, my boy here is gonna start capping motherfuckers.

Ain't that right?

Let me see the fucking war face.

Let me see it.

You're an animal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Slater, what the fuck are you doing?

Slater, what the fuck are you doing?

Nothing.

You look like a tiger, more of a tiger.

Lion.

That'll work.

Good.

Fuck!

Flush the toilet!

Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!

Flush it!

Come on, out of here!

Jesus, what did you eat?

Get the fuck in there!

Go!

Go now!

Don't shit your lawn.

Sit down.

Found a fucking straggler taking a shit.

What is this?

I thought this was Oregon, huh?

Why does it look like a fucking Kathleen Kennedy movie in here?

Look, sir, I just-

Shut the fuck up.

Look, I'm not... I don't know what you're expecting to happen here.

You think it's gonna happen? The hero?

No.

Huh?

No.

Is that who you are?

No, sir.

Huh? You think this is part of the hero's journey where something crazy happens and you gotta figure it out?

No, no.

Alright, then sit down and shut the fuck up!

Fucking Scooby-Doo gang.

That's the Scooby laugh.

I'll be back.

Not me, them!

I'm sorry!

Fucking idiots.

Just chill!

We are chill. You chill.

Don't tell me to chill when you chill.

Everyone chill.

Just chill like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that one Batman movie.

Did this white nigga just say the N-word?

I didn't say the N-word!

Is this a Tarantino movie?

It's not a Tarantino movie! I didn't say the N-word!

You just said Arnold Schwarzenegger. Everyone heard that, right?

I didn't say that! You can't say that! You're white!

I'm black.

You're white!

Actually, my dad's black. I'm half...

That doesn't count! You look white as shit!

What?

You heard me! You look white as shit!

But, sir, you're the one in black.

Blackface saying that he can't say the word nigga.

I didn't say the N-word!

I'm not getting canceled for shit!

Why are we talking about this right now? I'm-

Say you're white!

What? No!

Say you're white!

Alright, fine, I'm white!

Not you! The white guy!

Say it, fucker!

I'm white.

Fuck.

That's fucking shit.

We're good. We're good.

We're not going back, D.

No, no, no, D-Dog, you can't go back, D-Dog!

Yeah, that could work.

His knees are bruised.

Do you think he sucks, Dick?

You've had a hell of a day, huh?

You need a hug.

This is fucked, bro.

It really is.

I wouldn't know a thing or two about fucking bros.

Oh, shit, the cops, they brought backup, they brought backup, Coop.

What? What?

Why are you excited about that?

Earlier, you was like, oh, yeah, nigga, fuck all police, nigga, fuck every single last one of them.

Yeah, not when they coming to help me, nigga.

Okay, everybody listen up.

Now, what are you doing?

What are you fucking reading?

Put that shit down!

Now, listen.

What?

What are y'all looking at?

Damn.

Ah, fuck.

Fuck!

Come here.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Don't fucking touch me!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Don't fucking touch me!

Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

What the fuck?

Ow, fuck my fucking knee!

Jesus Christ.

You fucking asshole!

Why the fuck would you do that?

Why the fuck wouldn't you wear a belt?

I left it in the fucking car, you fucking prick!

Put your pants up, for Christ's sake.

We can still see you.

You didn't have to fucking do that, old man!

Fucking douche.

Relax. Okay.

Now, we've all had a very trying day.

We all got up on the wrong foot.

Hard day like my fucking hard dick!

You need to start sucking, motherfucker!

He's wearing a wig.

It's not a wig!

You have to forget about that.

My friend, he's stupid and cuts his own hair.

Don't fucking bring my hair into this, dude!

Okay, everybody, we're gonna get along just fine.

Just want everybody to relax, okay?

You know, it's really kind of hard to relax when you're waving that gun in our faces.

You know, that's a good point.

I really don't intend to kill anyone, okay?

I mean, I will, but I'd rather not.

And I'm not gonna do shit!

I'm a fucking vegetarian!

Which has nothing to do with anything.

You see this fucking shit?

There's a lot of fucking cocks out there, Daryl!

Yeah, maybe they're vegetarians too, stupid.

What did you say I'm a fucking idiot?

Just come on.

Stop talking about it!

Come with me.

Fuck.

For Christ's sake.

Where's your fucking belt?

Stop!

Get a belt!

Stop fucking touching me, you fucking old man!

Alright, listen up, fellas.

This ain't no tampon commercial.

So I need you to sack up.

Okay?

I want to get those people out safe, and I want to do it clean.

I want you to take this very seriously, alright?

Very seriously.

Now, there's two points of access.

The main entrance, and then there's a ventilation duct up on the roof.

I want a team up on the roof, okay?

And I want another team out back, okay?

Now, if this fight happens to take us in the front, this is our point of action.

Right here.

This is the angle we come in from, alright?

Alright, captain

Hey, what's the meaning of the word forest?

Are you sure?

I know it's not forest.

We are not holding aotted animals.

This isn't illegal senatorial building.

I can't comfortable being here, even if I know that.

Are you sure??

I need your checking. I need eyes on these assholes.

Now, there's a ventilation shaft. I need you in it. It's a tight spot. So suit up.

Sir, yes, sir.

You know, I know a thing or two about tight spaces.

I'm sorry.

Fuck, fuck, shit, this is fucking intense.

Coen brothers are amazing.

I mean, just look at these Hawk V-Lite anamorphic J.J.Abraham's lenses.

Hey!

No, nigga, this shit is real as fuck.

These white niggas got fucking guns. We're about to fucking die.

Slay, stop fucking playing.

Get the fucking phone.

Owner.

Where?

It's Cooper.

I don't give a shit. Get your ass up here.

What?

Get up here and answer the phone.

Okay, shit.

Pick up the fucking phone!

All right.

Answer the fucking phone.

Okay, all right.

Pick it up!

Hello?

Now listen.

It's the cops.

You need to let these people go, all right?

What? No, no, I'm... I'm one of the people.

Oh.

Well, Jesus Christ, let me speak to whoever's in charge.

Okay.

He wants to talk to whoever's in charge.

Hey, who do you think that is? It's not...

Stop! Stop!

Hello! Hello!

Hey, careful, okay? This is really... It means a lot to me. Get back. All right, okay?

You get back.

Yeah?

This is Chief Watson, BPD.

Now, look, you can get out of this, but...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You listen to me, pig.

All right, I'm running the fucking show now.

No, no, of course, of course you're running the show. I... I just...

What's your name?

What? My name? Why?

I mean, I'd like to have a conversation with you, you know?

How am I gonna have a conversation unless I know your name?

All right, fine. It's fine.

Let me go.

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Darryl. Name's Darryl.

And I've got my boy, Bobby, here...

What the fuck? Don't say my name.

...who's gonna start fucking shooting people if anything happens to me. You got that? Huh?

Those cookies?

No, no, no, no, Darryl. Nothing's gonna happen, all right?

I don't want that. You don't want that. Nobody wants that.

Oh, yeah, sure you don't fucking want that.

Jesus shit.

My blood sugar's actually up. Let me get a cookie.

I'm on the fucking phone.

Let me get a fucking cookie!

Watch him. He's gonna hit you.

I'm not gonna hit you.

What you want is me dead.

Well, Darryl, now that you mention it, how many people we're talking about in there?

I don't fucking know. Eight, nine?

Let me get a fucking cookie!

Hold on a second, cop.

What the fuck?!

I'm not gonna fucking kill you. I'm fucking talking to someone. It's very important.

Alright?

Yeah.

Get him back down there.

Move, white boy!

Yo, this motherfucker's eating the cookies.

No, white guy's eating it right now.

Can y'all speak up a little bit? A nigger just needs to know what's going on.

Gibs in position.

He's in the vent, chief.

I think I'd like to just stay in here. Die in here. What's that?

What'd he say? What'd he say?

I've got five hostages.

Two suspects.

Tell him we want some pizza.

Armed.

Gibs is in position.

Well, what do you want, Darryl?

I don't fucking know. Haven't thought that far ahead.

What'd he say?

I have a shot.

He has a shot.

Alright, listen. Darryl, you gotta give me one, alright? Just give me one, okay? As a show of good faith.

Good faith?

Yeah, good faith.

There's gotta be some level of trust here, Darryl.

Level of trust? How about you suck a bag of dicks? How about that? There's your level of trust.

What'd he say?

I told him to suck a bag of dicks.

What is it, nigga? They two bought me? They two? What the fuck is that? What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everybody shut the fuck up.

My fucking asthma!

Where's your inhaler?

I don't know where the fucking inhaler is. I left it in the car.

Well, whose fault is that?

I don't fucking know!

Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Alright, come on. Hey.

Alright, hey, hey. Just get it together, alright?

Come on. Take your jacket off. Come on.

I'm not grabbing his fucking foot!

Then grab his ankle. I don't give a fuck.

Fuck, dude!

Come on.

Oh god, I'm gonna fucking puke! I'm gonna fucking puke, dude!

Robert Hall, fucks five, back with you here where a small crowd of people

and one black man have gathered outside of Paradise Records

where we know that two armed gunmen have taken some hostages.

Not sure the status of said hostages, but I believe here, sir,

racially ambiguous police officer Johnson, it looks like.

Could you tell us more about what took place in here tonight?

We have a very volatile situation right now in downtown Bend.

We have two gunmen...

Slater, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Well, morphine hits the bloodstream immediately.

That's your sign of good faith, motherfucker?

I heard a gunshot, Daryl. Has anybody hurt?

Yeah, somebody's hurt. Somebody got shot.

Well, who the fuck got shot, Daryl?

The fucking ninja you sent in here to kill me.

You fucking shot the officer?

No, no, no, no. I didn't shoot that asshole.

He blew his foot off when he fell through the fucking vent.

I guess pigs really can fly.

Was he okay?

Yeah, he's great. He gets half price on fucking shoes.

He blew his foot off!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're gonna have to send him out, Daryl.

Fuck you and fuck that!

Now, look, you haven't done anything fucking stupid yet.

But if he bleeds out and he dies, that's on you, you understand?

All right, fine. But you listen to me, all right?

I swear to God, if there's any phony business, everybody in here is fucking dead.

What did they say, Daryl?

I'm here with a witness to the events tonight.

Sir, what exactly did you see?

I mean, man, you know what I'm saying?

I ain't no witness, but these two crazy-ass, goofy-ass white boys, man.

They robbed some shit, you know what I'm saying?

They dropped some money and shit, man.

You know, I ain't trying to snitch on the niggas or nothing like that.

J.J., that's quite a bit of money you have in your hand there.

Have you ever held that much money before?

What? What the fuck?

Come on, man, do I look like I need...

I don't even need this shit, bro.

You know what I'm saying?

Man, nigga, look here, man.

I got a motherfucking switch on me, man.

I fucking...

Man, you better be glad we on TV, nigga.

You know what I'm saying?

What the fuck are we gonna do now, Daryl?

They want the cop.

What?

He came here to fucking save us and now they're gonna let his ass go?

What type of shit is that?

Damn.

Plot twist.

Look, just...

Just let my people go.

Let my people go?

Who, you fucking Charlton Heston?

Son of a fucking cock balls.

Come on, man.

Lady with the language!

Kiss your mother with that?

Shut my mouth.

What do you think's gonna happen here, man?

Just shut the fuck up.

You gotta see how crazy this is.

I see what's happening here.

I give you fucking people an inch, you take a mile.

I told you chill.

You couldn't do that.

Because you think Daryl's playing, don't you?

Well, maybe now I'll show you that I'm not playing.

Daryl, stop.

Please fucking stop, Daryl.

It's too fucking far!

Please stop, Daryl!

Just shut the fuck up, Bobby.

Daryl.

Fuck!

What?

Are you sending him out?

Don't fucking rush me, pig.

Bobby, bring the cop.

Out we go.

Let's go hop along.

Okay, come on.

Now, what the fuck we gonna do to get out of this shit?

I'll do whatever it takes.

Nah, fuck that shit.

We should fucking rush these niggas or something.

Lucy, I think we just gotta stay patient.

Be patient?

What the fuck we just gonna sit here and fucking wait to die?

If I was watching a movie about us right now with Slade Troll in the fucking movie theater,

I'd be like, run, nigga!

Run!

Run, nigga!

Forrest Gump!

Run, nigga!

Go, go, nigga!

Fuck Jenny, nigga!

Fuck that bitch and the nigga in the wheelchair.

Whoa, who's that?

Is that Roy Dinkum, or something?

He's good with you, son of a bitch.

Go.

I'm on it.

Whoa, whoa.

What the fuck are you doing here?

After what happened last time, you can't be on this scene.

Chief wants you gone.

Hold this.

Goddamn negotiator.

Hey, hey, hey!

Slow down, motherfucker.

Who are you?

I'm the negotiator.

Here to talk to you.

No, no, no, I was talkin' to the other prick.

Well now...

If you'll fuckin' back off.

Now you're talkin' to me.

Okay?

I'm not talkin' to you.

What the fuck?

Back the fuck off.

I will shoot you!

You're not gonna shoot me, Daryl.

Stop walkin'.

You gonna shoot me?

I will shoot you right in the fuckin' head.

You and I both know...

that you...

This is the time you say.

That sounds good to me.

No, I do.

I would really like to die today.

You serious?

I don't want to be alive.

I just want to die today.

I will shoot you. I will shoot you.

Right in the fucking face.

Don't miss.

Can you hit me from there?

Huh?

How the fuck did you get over there?

Come on.

Huh?

Do you want to do it?

I thought I was taller.

Get some balls.

I'll do it.

Stick a soldering iron right up my ass.

Don't hit the watch.

Wow!

You and I both know that you are not going to...

What?

Oh, my God!

Is he okay?

God bless you.

You just shot a fucking cop! What the fuck happened?

They're fucking after me, Bobby. They're after me. They won't...

What the fuck are you talking about?

They're after me. They're all after me. Oh, it's you. You're after me.

On my mark. Jump in these niggas.

You...

You've been with them all along.

You've always been with them.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Darryl!

Put the fucking gun down, Darryl.

You are?

You are?

You know what?

It's fucking into the line.

It's fucking into line, man.

I'm telling you.

Now, it's a shot now.

I'm telling you, everybody's going to die!

I'm not gonna let you do it!

You always wanted to kill me, haven't ya?

Do it, Bobby.

Go on.

Do it.

Put the gun down, Darryl!

Shoot me?

Please, put the fucking gun...

Just shoot me, Darryl!

Don't fucking do it, Darryl!

Argh!Too

Chief, you've had a long, distinguished, successful career

with the BPD. Tell me, have you ever screwed up this badly?

Fuck you.

And there you have it.

Make sure you go pick this shit up in stores now, motherfucker.

I can't cuss this shit.

So would you consider this black people music?

What? What?

We did our best. I swear to God, we did.

Unbelievable, because I heard that there is an officer missing a foot

and three dead bodies, so would you consider that a win tonight?

Yes, it is. For our chief, it is a win. We'll take that.

Amazing.

I can't believe you fucking killed a dude, cool?

What? Nigga, we killed a dude. I didn't kill nobody.

Yes, you did, and his brains are all over that fucking nail.

Oh. Holy shit. That was crazy.

Look, Mike, are we gonna do this or what?

The what?

You know, the contract, man. Let's just go and knock it out.

No, that's not happening.

What?

Cooper, someone died in there.

Now we're done. Mike Hawk is pulling out of this deal. Good luck.

I told you he was a douche.

Gentlemen, what could you tell us about what just went down here tonight?

Man, he's fucking got too much...

First of all, this shit was fucking lit.

Sir, this is live television.

Fuck yeah, it is. Nigga, we motherfucking out here, man.

Shout out Uncle Tony, man. Shout out to three and a half niggas that live in motherfucking Bend.

Shout out motherfucking Paradise Records and this bitch. We out here.

It was crazy as fuck. Nigga, let me tell you.

Niggas was jumping off the motherfucking roof.

Niggas had the guns. Bullets was going through the motherfucking shop and shit.

Hit my favorite record, by the way.

And we was in that bitch motherfucking fighting for our lives in that motherfucker.

Shit was crazy as fuck. Right, Coop?

Uh, yeah, Cooper Johnson, you are the owner of this record store.

Hold on. And I can't forget the motherfuckin' blood that was all on that nigga's face.

Shit was splatterin' everywhere. I saved a couple bitches' lives,

and I had a fuckin' big-ass toe that was sittin' on the side of my motherfuckin' face, nigga.

Now, I love toes. I suck toes.

Okay, there. So, anyway, Cooper Johnson, somewhat of a hero as well here in Bend, Oregon, tonight.

What- the question on everyone's mind, what are you gonna do with the cash reward?

The... what?

The cash reward for the capture of the armed assailants dead or alive.

Yo, what?

Yeah, nigga, shop ain't dead. Nigga, we turnt up, nigga. Let's go. Pay the bills.

Hold on. Wait. Shut up!

There's a fuckin' reward?

Yes, sir.

What is your plan?

How much is it?

Fourteen thousand dollars!

Fuck!

I need those openin' eyes

I know

It's on me

Ever wanted was for you to feel proud

But everybody's telling me I'm losin' my mind

All I ever wanted was for you to feel calm

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

I don't know, if you ain't from My hood you can get from the Hoes I know this sucker

from the suburbs Cool with this other motherfucker on the outskirts

A little pause... and we are back.

NIGA!

Nailed it!

Finally, nigga! Shit!

Yo, if I had done that any sooner, we'd probably be dead right now.

So there's that.

You right, nigga. Remember, everything happens for a reason, Coop.

Speaking of which, I can't believe we actually get to keep this place.

We saved the shop, nigga!

Yes, we did. We family.

NIGA!

Okay, but just make sure you're here at 9.30. Don't fucking matter. You still work here.

9.30?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Nigga, at least 10, Coop. I'm trying to fucking turn up tonight, my nigga. Shit!

Nigga, you better turn up on time, okay? All right?

Boy, nigga, you so white, you was born with season tickets to NASCAR, Jeff Gordon.

You so black, you bleed grits, nigga.

Nigga, fuck that. I like grits with a little sugar in it, my nigga.

At least I don't fucking look like Mr. Burns.

Smithers, release the hounds on this negro.

You a fool, man.

I love you, bro.

I love you too, nigga.

No, nigga, like I really love you.

I love you more, nigga.

All right.

Like Barney love you, no?

Yeah, whatever.

Like staying in a circle and singing and shit.

All right, can you just get the fuck out of here?

All right, nigga, love you.

All right, 9.30.

Yeah, whatever, nigga.

I'm serious.

You got that money?

What?

You got that money?

Hello there.

Cough up that dough.

You got that money?

Remember we said four and a half hours?

I actually gave you six and a half hours.

Here, look at this.

He got it.

He got it.

Good boy.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Yes, he did.

Let me ask you a question, kid.

You believe in God?

I mean, I believe in something.

You should believe in God.

Also, fuck your mother.

This is pretty taken care of.

You already got a buck.

But elves, hobbits, wizards, nigga, Yoda and them niggas, all that shit gay as fuck, bro.

Ooh, how can you say that?

Wait, I'm sorry, take it back. Yoda is Star Wars, motherfucker.

But he is a hobbit, ain't he?

No, no, just saying, just saying.

What are you afraid to get a little butt fucked?

Get a little butt fucked?

I'm sorry, dude.

I just laughed.

Oh shit, there's a fucking spider on your back, bro.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Wait, he doesn't tell, you mean like, like Helen Keller?

No, no, no, he leaves his attic, so it's all good.

Fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Do it one more time, one more time.

Oh, don't do that.

Eileen, remember that.

Little fucker, nigga, when was you gonna tell us, bro?

Tell us what?

That our fucking something's going on and I can't explain it.

I'm gonna go to the Shaved Kitty because it's happy hour.

Never do business on an empty stomach and a full sack.

Grandpa Hawk taught me that.

Oh, cut. I'm so sorry.

Shit, Coop, I told you that bitch was stealing, nigga.

Let's go get her ass.

Fuck.

Get the bitch.

Rubber racket?

Oh my God.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today.

No, I'm just kidding.

Okay.

One for you, Kevin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we ain't got no gun, fool.

What type of fucking fantasy are you living in?

Oh, I just farted.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

Fucking roof came down like bam.

Nigga had a bazooka-looking motherfucker.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

I pushed Cooper out the way.

Saved that motherfucker.

Hit a nigga with the motherfucking...

Yo, yo.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Hold on.

Hold on, let me come on together.

Keep going, nigga, hurry up.

Don't hit the camera.

Don't hit the camera, man.

All right, I got what I need.

You fucked that up.

I mean.

Lenny, Johnson, whatever you fucking need.

I'm sorry.

I am not selling my vinyl store to Mike Hawk, period.

All right?

This is not a Mike Hawk production.

This is not a Mike Hawk business space.

Mike Hawk will own this.

My kid's got a white mom.

Hell yeah, nigga, I bet she fine as hell, too.

Give me an alt on that.

Nice, nigga, I bet she thicker than a snicker, too.

Another one.

Damn, nigga, what she look like, goddamn Peg Bundy?

Okay, and give me another one.

Goddamn, boy, I bet she got good credit, too.

All right, give me another one.

Damn, she be cooking that broccoli casserole and shit.

Hawk, V-Lite, J.J. Abram...

I'll just wait, because people are talking outside.

See, that's a tip for all the actors in here.

Just blame everyone else for your fuck-ups.

Hey, Eileen!

Please, plea? J.J., what?

Oh, no, I didn't mean J.J. I was just saying please.

But you told me please.

Yes, sir.

Like, please.

I said please, please.

Oh, that's the softest shit I've ever heard a motherfucking director say in my life.

Boy, don't go back to hip-hop, nigga.