Original subtitles

Hey.

Hello.

Hi.

That was... That was very nice.

All right, let's start with a joke.

Every time I sneeze,

some asshole in the room goes,

"do you know the sensation of a sneeze

is 1/8 of an orgasm?"

I don't know if you've heard this myth,

but that's what people say.

That's why when I'm fucking a chick,

I keep a bit of pepper on the bedside table.

And as I'm coming,

I Chuck it in her face.

'Cause she deserves something.

Well...

Thank you.

I used to, for a while,

date Michael Phelps' ex-girlfriend,

and that sounds like a joke, but it's true.

I dated Michael Phelps' ex-girlfriend.

And I'll tell you something

about fucking Michael Phelps' ex-girlfriend.

You put no effort in,

'cause no matter how good you think you're fucking her,

you're not fucking her as good

as the greatest olympian that's ever lived.

This guy's 6'8", has size 20 feet,

and holds his breath for a living, right?

He burns 10,000 calories a day.

You know, he's just fucking her and drinking red bull

and eating chocolate bars,

and I'm there coughing cigarette phlegm up

on her back.

And she always used Mike against me.

I call him Mike now.

She'd go, "Mike bought me this handbag.

Mike bought me these shoes."

And I'd be like, "Mike looks like

"he has down syndrome.

Why don't you ever mention that?"

And we don't know for sure

that I'm not a better swimmer.

I've never timed myself.

When I get in the pool, it's for pleasure,

not to show off in "competition".

Okay? I can tell you, if I ever finish a lap

of an olympic-sized pool,

I'll be really, really tired.

And you can only assume from that

that I've been going extraordinarily fast.

"Mike took me here. Mike took me there."

"Mike cheated on you with miss california,

and I could never do that to you."

It's not that I wouldn't.

I just couldn't. It's miss california.

That bitch has gotta be fucking tasty, eh?

Like... like, I'm on the TV a bit.

I'm a minor celebrity. I could fuck, like...

Miss Delaware is coming to mind.

I don't even know where Delaware is,

but she sounds fucking ugly, miss Delaware, doesn't she?

But I've got a girlfriend now.

She's in the... She's in the room.

Uh, I got a girlfriend.

She's moved into the house. A serious relationship.

I-I'll tell you what I've been doing

with the last 12 years of my life.

For the last 12 years of my life,

I've been traveling around the world,

having sex with random women.

And my girlfriend has taught me

that that's a really sad way to live your life

and kind of depressing.

And it's weird, you know,

'cause it felt like fun.

I, uh...

I remember a lot of smiling back in the day.

I have vivid memories of high-fiving a lot.

I, uh...

But thank god she's come along...

To tell me that I was mistaken.

Maybe you might be asking, why would I want

to settle down?

And I'm at the age now, 35,

where I'm thinking of the future.

I would like to be a father one day.

I think I would be a great dad, I really do.

I just don't think I'd be a good husband,

and there's a problem.

Uh, 'cause you can't just, like, meet a woman,

marry her, get her pregnant,

she has the child, and then you divorce her

in the first year.

That's automatic bad dad territory.

It doesn't matter how many ball games

you take the little cunt to,

you're a bad fucking dad.

So I think the only way out for me

is to, like, meet a woman,

marry her, get her pregnant,

she has the child,

and then if she could die,

that... that would really help me out.

'Cause... 'Cause your kid couldn't hate you then,

because "I'm doing my best! Your mum's dead!"

You know?

But I've looked into it, and...

Not as easy as you might think.

It turns out that terminally ill women

don't want to get pregnant.

They're all about them and what they're up to

and their issues, you know?

The terminally ill are very fucking high maintenance,

if you ask me, so...

I need to find a woman who doesn't know she's dying,

and that's a whole new set of complications.

So I need to befriend a doctor.

That doctor will have, like, a cancerous woman

come into his office, and he'll be like,

"oh, you're fine. Get outta here.

"You're wasting my time.

Congratulations on the weight loss."

Then...

He'll ring me up and go, "I've got one!"

And I'll be like, "yay!"

And then I'll give him a couple of free tickets to a show.

We'd call it even.

Then I'd meet the girl, appear really charming,

I'd get her married,

I'd get her pregnant,

she'd have the child,

and then if she could die,

that would get me out of a bind.

Like, I don't want her to die during childbirth.

I'm not a fucking animal, you know?

Like... Like a few years later,

after the kid could walk, and talk,

and wipe its own ass, and open the fridge,

and take care of itself to a certain extent.

And I'm thinking I want a daughter.

I think that would suit me,

to have a little three-year-old daughter, eliza.

I've already named her.

So picture me, Jim jefferies,

with little eliza, struggling through life, eh?

Just the two of us. The mum's fucking dead.

She's long gone. It's just the two of us.

I do what I can.

I take her on the road with me because

I can't leave her with anyone.

She's all I've got left.

I'm fucking adorable.

There isn't a woman in this room

that doesn't want to suck that guy's cock.

That's about as sexy as I get, with a dead fucking wife,

raising a little girl.

And I would play that card every single day as well.

I-I'd be, like, in a diner with little eliza,

and as the hot waitress walked by, I'd go,

"no, mummy's never coming back."

And then when the waitress came up, I'd go,

"no, no, no. Nothing for me. Thank you so much.

"But I think someone might like an ice cream sundae.

"It's her first birthday without her mother.

"No, no, no. No, it's okay.

"We're... we're okay.

"Sometimes...

I think she takes care of me."

You know what'd be happening later on that evening?

I'd be getting my dick sucked

and a free sundae.

And I'd raise that kid good too.

No fucking around.

Raise that kid the same way that I was raised.

I'd beat the fuck out of it.

My mother broke both my brother's legs.

Not both my brothers.

One brother.

Both his fucking legs.

Scotty was under the bed going,

"I don't want to go to school,"

and mum's going, "get out right now.

You're going to school," and he was like,

"no, I'm not. You can't make me."

And she went, "you don't think I can make you?"

And then Scott went, "fuck off!"

Now, Gunther wasn't taking that.

She reached under, grabbed him by the shirt,

pulled him backwards,

yanked him upwards, so his shins shattered

against the bed frame and the floor.

Now, on the upside,

didn't go to school that day.

Got a couple of extra days off to relax.

Fucking soft. You're soft people.

I'm telling you.

You know, this k... This self-esteem

and giving every child a fucking medal

if it runs a race, and it...

There are two fucking lots

winners and fucking losers, right?

You might not be a winner at everything.

You might not be a loser at everything.

But you won't find out what the fuck you're good at

if they tell you you're fucking good at everything.

Right?

See, you here in america

are the most powerful country that's ever been.

You're coming number 27 in education,

and that's disgusting, right?

But you're coming number one in confidence.

So you're breeding stupid, confident people.

They're the worst employees in the fucking world.

All right? So this whole "we're number one"

should call it a fucking day, america.

China's coming to get ya.

And you can't stop China, mate,

'cause they're number one in education,

and they're the bottom of the list in confidence.

Their entire society rotates around honor,

respect, dignity.

"Do your homework. Learn your fucking violin."

So who do you want putting your car together?

A little, nervous Asian fellow with a drill going...

Or this guy...

"Perfect."

'Cause you can't compete with the asians.

It's not that they're smarter. They're not smarter.

Their infrastructure is infinitely better.

The asians do something that we don't do.

They acknowledge stupidity.

If you have a classroom of american children,

little Johnny isn't keeping up with the other kids,

what do you do?

"Come on, Johnny. You can catch up.

We believe in you."

What do you think they do in China

when fucking meiping isn't toeing the line, eh?

"Get out of the way, you dumb cunt.

"Don't talk to the smart kids. You're weighing them down.

"Go over there and make some shoes

and help our economy, but leave them alone."

You don't acknowledge stupidity, and I can fucking prove it.

We have 1,000 people in the room.

By a show of hands...

Don't do it ironically.

Don't do this sarcastically.

Only do this if you truly believe it.

Put up your hand if you truly believe

you have a stupid child at home.

None of you!

Well, guess what?

It's statistically higher than that!

But your child isn't stupid.

Not your child.

Your child has a learning difficulty.

That's the definition of stupid.

If you have difficulty...

Learning...

That's what stupid is!

If you find it hard to put information

in your head

and recall it when you need it,

that's textbook stupid.

And there's nothing wrong with being stupid.

I'll take a nice idiot over a smart asshole

any fucking day of the week, ladies and gentlemen.

But let's just acknowledge these people.

You know, now I've given you a good point,

many of you are thinking,

"maybe our kid is a dumb cunt."

You're picturing him in his little league game.

He's in the outfield, digging a hole with a stick.

I've told you before in one of my other DVDs,

but this is how you find out if your kid's a dumb cunt,

all right?

Are you a dumb cunt?

Is your wife or your husband a dumb cunt?

Guess what your kids are.

Your kids are dumb cunts, just like you,

except they'll achieve even less.

Now, don't be upset by this information,

if you're indeed a dumb cunt, with your dumb cunt spouse,

and your dumb cunt kids, and your dumb cunt family,

with your dumb cunt friends,

'cause society's very accommodating to dumb cunts.

In fact, there are places

where you and your dumb cunt family

can go once a week and meet other dumb cunt families

and you can sing songs.

And it's called the church,

and they've never turned away a group of dumb cunts.

The church loves dumb cunts.

Doesn't like the smart,

what with their constant questions.

The smart are always asking questions,

and that's like fucking cancer to religion.

See, I became an atheist when I was 15 years old.

I remember there was an exact moment.

I was digging a hole with a stick, and I...

Now, if you've just recently become an atheist,

try to be cool about it, right?

'Cause, especially in this country,

people use atheism almost like its own religion.

Right?

'Cause when you become an atheist,

you're very angry because you... you've been fed

so many lies that you become angry.

Right? So try to be what I call a good atheist.

I used to be a bad atheist, right?

I, like, for example,

I didn't go to a friend's wedding once

'cause it was in a church,

'cause I "wouldn't set foot in a church," right?

And then, like, I couldn't go to parties,

'cause I'd always end up in a corner

with a Christian, going, "you're a fucking idiot," right?

And that's no way to live your life, you know?

So you know what?

You gotta live and let live in this world.

Have the magic man. Don't have the magic man.

I don't give a fuck.

And since I have this new sunny disposition...

My life's really turned around.

I got more friends. I tolerate others.

I'm now a godfather to three children,

and that's retarded.

'Cause these people know me,

and they still fucking ask.

They still come up and go, "Jim,

will you be the child's godfather?"

And I'm like...

"Yes."

And then I stand there in church

with the priest and the parents,

and the priest is holding the baby,

and the priest turns to me and goes, "Jim,

"will you spiritually guide this child

throughout its life?"

"Sure."

'Cause I have no problems lying in church.

What difference does it make?

Now, there are two reasons why babies are christened.

Right? There's the real reason,

which is the church are trying to recruit people

who can't talk.

Then there's the second reason, the Bible's reasons,

god's reasons.

This is why god wants you to christen your child.

Because if you don't christen your child,

and it dies in infancy,

it doesn't get into heaven.

Awww.

So if you are religious,

your god sounds like a super guy,

but if he lets one dead baby into heaven,

then he has to let all the dead babies into heaven.

And before you know it, heaven's just filled

with fucking dead babies.

Won't be able to move for dead babies!

And let's not act like these babies didn't know

what they did.

Now...

It's not lost on me

that when I tell a joke like that

in front of this many people,

that in this room, there's a good chance

that there's a couple who lost their child in infancy.

And I'm a comedian. I'm meant to make you laugh.

And I've just reminded you of the most horrible thing

that ever happened to you,

and for that I am sorry.

But if you weren't smart enough

to get a pedophile in a dress

to put a small amount of water on the child's forehead,

what the fuck did you think was gonna happen, right?

And as far as I'm concerned,

you're bad parents,

and that's why god took your child away from you.

Because I think we all know

that god makes no mistakes, so...

Maybe you did.

It's weird, you know?

I feel a tension in the room now.

People are still...

I like it. I prefer it to laughter.

I'm used to that.

I like this weird feeling.

Because you all know what I do.

You've seen my specials. You bought a ticket.

And fucking people still get shocked.

Right? I mean, the thing is,

it's not my fans that get shocked or upset.

They know what's fucking happening.

The problem with these shows, though,

is that people come in groups.

And there's some guy here who's a big fan of mine,

and he said to six of his friends,

"you gotta see this guy.

We're gonna have a great fucking night."

And at this stage of the show, he's going,

"oh, no.

"Aww, Karen's here.

"Karen fucking loves god.

I'm never gonna fuck Karen."

Then afterwards, I'll be outside having a drink

at one of the bars around the place,

and afterwards, Karen will see me,

and she'll walk up to me with a smile like this.

She comes up...

And then, when she gets really close,

she'll go, "you're a fucking asshole!"

And I'll be like, "oh, no, you don't want a photo."

Right?

And then her fr... her friends will sort of drag her away,

and as she's being dragged away,

she'll yell something out like,

"god loves you! Jesus loves you!"

Some bullshit like that.

Because christians have this belief

that there's a man on a cloud that loves them.

Let's say he exists.

He doesn't fucking love you.

I've heard christians say that my god

loves me unconditionally.

No such thing as unconditional love.

That's a load of fucking bullshit.

My mum always throws that one out there.

My mum always goes, "Jim, I love you no matter what.

I love you unconditionally."

And I always think to myself,

what if I cut one of her tits off?

What if... what if I just got a rusty blade

and started hacking into that obese woman's breasts?

And, like, would she still love me?

She might. I'm not willing to test it.

But I can tell you for sure...

I can tell you for sure

that god does not love you unconditionally.

I have already given you a condition.

If you don't put a small amount of water

on a baby's forehead,

it burns for eternity.

That's a condition of a fucking psychopath.

Like, if god showed up at a party,

he'd be the least-welcome person in party history.

Right? Everyone would be having a good time,

then someone would go, "don't look up."

"Oh, no.

"God's here.

"Hey, god. How are you going?

We didn't know you were gonna be here."

"Yeah, well, I'm fucking everywhere, aren't I?

So why the fuck wouldn't I be here?"

"Well, god, it's really great to have you here.

We're really happy you're here."

Then god's like, "everyone!

"Everyone!

"Could everyone please be quiet

"and look at me right now?

"I've come down to tell all of you

"I want you all to know

that I love all of you unconditionally."

And they're like,

"thanks for that, god. We really appreciate that."

And they go back to their party, and then god goes,

"is that all you have to say?"

"Sorry, god?"

"I just said I love you."

"Oh, fucking shit. Yeah, um...

We love you too."

"Good, good, good.

"'Cause you know if you don't,

you'll fucking burn, right?"

"Yes, god, we... We really love you.

We really love you."

"Do you love any other gods?"

"No, we don't. We really don't."

"Okay, cool.

"Sorry, everyone. I'm sorry.

I've had too much to drink. I'm sorry."

And then they go back to their party,

and obviously god's not getting enough attention.

He pipes up again,

"everybody, one last thing.

"I know you all said you love me,

"and that's really cool of you.

"I want you to do one more thing for me now.

"I want to point out

"that you won't burn if you don't do this,

"but it would go a long way not to burning,

"if you get my fucking drift.

"All right? It would be really great...

If you could all sing songs about me."

And they're like,

"sorry, god?"

"I made the fucking world! Just sing a fucking song!

What's the problem?"

And they're like, "yeah.

"Yeah, we can do this, can't we, gang?

Let's sing some songs for god."

And they start singing some gospel music,

and to begin with, god's fucking digging it.

He's just...

'Cause let's not forget that god's a white guy.

Then halfway through the song, god starts to turn.

"Everyone stop singing.

Who's the guy in the pink shirt who's enjoying singing?"

"Oh.

Oh, oh, that's Brian and his boyfr..."

"You know I hate faggots!"

"But, god, god, god. Calm down. Calm down.

You just said you love everyone."

"Not faggots, I didn't!"

And then people are trying to calm him down.

He's like, "don't you fucking touch me!

Don't touch me, you faggot-lover!"

And they're like, "god, it's probably best

you just leave this party."

"You're all gonna fucking burn. All you fucking cunts."

And he goes outside,

and he's trying to calm himself down.

"I fucking hate faggots.

"I couldn't be clearer about this.

"It's in my book, for fuck's sake.

"Everyone's got the book. No one's fucking read the book.

Everyone's got the book."

Then he passes, like, a young couple holding hands.

He's like, "hey, how you doing? You see that tree?

"I fucking made that shit.

"Hey, wait.

"Wait.

"Are you two married?

"No?

"Well, don't fuck each other.

"I hate young people fucking, and I hate faggots.

"I also hate people eating shrimp.

"I mention that eight times in my book,

"where I only mention twice that I hate homosexuals.

"But people seem to really enjoy eating shrimp,

"so I've forgotten about that rule,

but I'm still very certain I hate faggots."

And everyone's like,

"I'm so happy to have him in my life,

this constant glow I have in my heart."

My pet hate when I'm onstage...

It doesn't really matter too much in this show

because it's being filmed...

But I hate it

when people have their camera phone up

and they're videotaping my show when I'm doing a gig.

For two reasons.

It sounds silly, but the first reason's simple.

They're my jokes,

and I don't want you putting them on the Internet

before I get to record them on a special.

Second reason is I'm not in charge of the editing.

You know how easy it would be to edit that last routine

down to, "I hate faggots!"

And then... and then I would be getting interviewed,

and someone would go,

"Jim, why do you hate homosexuals so much?"

And I'd be like, "I don't hate homosexuals."

And then they'd show me the clip, and I'd be like,

"oh, no.

"Awww.

"What you don't understand is...

I was god at the time.

God doesn't like homosexuals."

And I don't hate gay people. I'm pro-gay people, man.

I-I protested for gay marriage.

I believe very strongly in gay marriage.

I-I believe if you're a person

who's watching this special right now

and you don't believe in gay marriage, turn it off.

You're a fucking dick,

and I don't want anything to do with you.

Now...

And...

My reasoning is so simple, right?

If you don't believe in gay marriage,

you're a dickhead because...

It's got nothing to fucking do with you.

Right? Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter who loves who

or who wants to be with who.

It's none of your fucking business.

None of your fucking business.

If you hate gay marriage, you know what you should do?

Don't marry a gay person.

That'll be your little way of getting around it.

That'll fucking show the gays, eh?

I'd like to be gay.

It'd fucking suit me.

I'm this cl...

I studied musical theater at university.

I'm wearing leather without a shirt underneath.

I would love to be gay.

I tell you why. 'Cause I'm a man's man.

I like men. Men like me.

We like each other.

I hate women.

Women hate me.

We hate each other.

The only reason I couldn't be gay

is 'cause I could never fuck a man.

'Cause I could never fuck something that I respect.

That's a good fucking joke, eh? That's a good joke.

You know what? That joke...

That joke's what I call an awkward car ride home.

You know how many men are gonna be driving home

with their girlfriends or wives this evening,

and they have to do this one...

They gotta go,

"what joke?

"Oh, I don't remember that joke.

"I laughed at it? Me?

"That doesn't sound like me.

"You... you're saying I stood up and clapped?

"I-I-I was probably laughing about the joke before it,

"where... where... Where god hated homosexuals.

"How did I know that that joke was before it

"if I didn't know that this joke even existed?

Your mother's a cunt."

Let's tell some stories.

Now.

This first story...

The first bit of this story you should already know,

in the same way that you know things like

"don't kill people."

"Try not to rape."

When you're on an airplane,

there's a thing called plane etiquette,

window gets an armrest and a wall.

Middle gets two armrests.

Aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg.

We're not fucking animals.

We live in a society.

So I was on a flight from Los Angeles to Houston,

and I had the middle seat, and that sucks balls.

So I'm sitting there with my two armrests.

Next to me is a petite young lady.

She's doing her job, armrest, wall.

I'm in the middle, two armrests.

Sitting next to me here is a great big black man

who's as gay as the day is long.

He sits down next to me, and we do the niceties.

"Hello." "hello."

And then, with no issue whatsoever,

he sees my elbow there, and he just went... jock.

And I went...

Now, I'm pretty upset, but he's a big fucking guy,

and it's a long flight,

so there's no need to get into an argument.

So I have that argument that you have in your head

where the other person doesn't know

you're having an argument, where you're like,

"you're a fucking asshole,

"and if you said this, then I would say,

'well, good sir, I think you're mistaken.'"

right?

So I sit there festering for, like, 45 minutes.

Then eventually, the air stewardess comes

with the drink cart.

Now, while i'm on air stewardesses, right?

Whenever you watch a movie set in the '60s

and they show air stewardesses,

or an old TV show... that show, like, pan-am or something...

They always depict air stewardesses

as these hot young things with a pillbox hat,

and a little bun, and big tits,

and a small waist, and hauling a bag, going...

Like that.

I don't think any of those women have retired.

'Cause this thing was just

being propped up by the drink cart.

50 years of recycled air

had made her skin drip off her skull

like the end of raiders of the lost ark.

She comes up.

The guy reaches over for his drink and his pretzels.

Armrest open. Bang!

I'm back in.

And I'm not fucking going anywhere, either.

He puts all of his things down on his tray,

and he goes to put his elbow back,

but he fucking can't, can he?

He can't 'cause there's a wall there

called Jim jefferies,

and he can't fucking move it.

Right?

And he's pushing, he's pushing,

and I'm acting like I can't feel it,

like this, but casual, like... like...

Then he gets his fist like this and his hand like that,

and he's pushing really hard back,

and I'm trying to do that casual.

But he's much bigger than me, and eventually,

I have to give in.

I just went... jock.

So I turned to him and said what needed to be said.

"Why are you such a cunt?"

Now, I understand that that word in this country

isn't as popular as maybe it should be.

People were freaking the fuck out.

They were going, "he did. He just said it.

"I heard him say it.

"Called that man a 'c' bomb. I heard him say it.

"Bob, called the man a 'c' bomb.

Bob."

And he was shocked as well.

He turned to me, and he went, "excuse me?

What did you just call me?"

But in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

And I was there going,

"a cunt, sir.

I called you a cunt."

And he said, "are you upset because you're trying

to take my armrest?"

And I went, "you don't know plane etiquette.

"Window gets an armrest and a wall.

"Middle gets two armrests.

"Aisle gets an armrest and a little bit of extra leg.

"We're not fucking animals.

We live in a society."

And the people that initially hated me agreed with me.

They're like, "he is right about that.

"That is true.

"That is true.

We do live in a society."

And he went, "oh, I'm only taking

"the back of the armrest.

You can have the rest of the armrest."

And I went, "you take the back,

"you take the whole fucking thing.

"No one gives a fuck about the front of the armrest.

"No one's ever gone,

'thanks for the front of the armrest.'"

I said, "it's not just that you're taking my armrest.

"Your elbow has come over the armrest,

and it's digging into my rib cage."

And he said, "well, maybe if you lost some weight..."

Oh!

I know.

I was... I was gobsmacked.

I didn't know what to fucking say.

I just turned to him and went,

"you bitchy queen."

Now everyone on the plane has lost their fucking shit.

The movie... the movie can fuck off, mate.

No one's watching the fucking movie.

I'm the entertainment now.

The air stewardess comes running back

on her Walker.

She comes up to us and she goes,

"what's going on here?"

And I said, "I want this fucking asshole away from me!"

And she said, "sir, this is not the situation

to be swearing in."

I went, "yes, it is.

We're having a fight."

And she went, "well...

There's no need for name-calling."

I called the guy a bitchy queen,

so I sort of get what she's saying.

And I turned to her and said,

"you know what? You're right.

"There is never a need for name-calling.

"But...

"As a proud gay man myself...

"I feel like I've earned the right

to say such words, so..."

She apologized.

The gay guy knows I'm fucking lying.

He's fagging the fuck out, just...

And the air stewardess is saying,

"can everyone calm down? What's the problem here?"

And he went, "he's trying to take my armrest."

And the air stewardess went, "everyone knows

the middle gets two armrests."

And I went, "see?"

She goes, "I'm going to have to break you two up."

And she pointed to the man and said, "sir,

"you're going to have to find a seat

at the back of the plane."

I'm victorious.

I stand up.

I bash my head on the thing.

I point at the man.

And I went, "get to the back of the plane!"

Now, a lot of people on that plane

hadn't seen the rest of the argument.

All they have seen is me pointing at a black man,

yelling, "get to the back of the plane."

Things got real awkward real fucking quick.

I didn't know what I'd done yet.

People were yelling at me, calling me a racist,

and I was like...

"I know, but how do you know?"

Then a guy threw a bag of peanuts

at the back of my head and said,

"sit down, you limey bastard!"

And I was like, "that's the british!

I'm australian, you fucking racist!"

Which would have made a lot of sense

if being british or australian was a race

and not a nationality.

But at that stage,

I was clutching at straws, really.

So I go sit back down in his old chair.

We got the empty sweet between us.

Me and the girl pound it out.

Now, later on the flight,

I'm walking up the back of the plane to the toilet,

and I want to see the guy, 'cause I want to go...

And I get all the way to the back of the plane.

I don't see him anywhere.

I'm about to go in the toilet,

and then I see his leg around the corner.

There were no more seats.

This is a full flight.

He's sitting in the air stewardess' landing seat

that folds down with the seatbelt over the top,

like he's in a fucking go-cart.

I put my head around the corner.

I went, "no armrests here, dickhead."

And the air stewardess went,

"you get back to your seat,"

and I ran away like a child, like...

So for landing, I go and sit back down

in his old seat.

Now, the air stewardess' seat is taken,

so she's taking my old seat in the middle,

and she fucking hates me.

And I'm taking both armrests. Fuck her.

And as we're landing,

the guy over the aisle leans over and goes,

"excuse me. You're Jim jefferies, right?"

And I'm like, "yeah, man. How you doing?"

And he went, "I had no idea you were gay."

"Fuckin' yeah, man.

I-I-I like cock."

I-I threaten any, like, fucking techno dj guy

who's watching this special...

To make some song out of, "I hate faggots!"

"I like cock."

I hate faggots!

I like cock.

Oh, it's gonna be popular in europe.

Now, this last story

happened five years ago

and involves a very famous, famous movie-star comedian.

I won't say his name,

as he comes out of this story very poorly.

Five years ago, I was performing

at the just for laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

I was out there.

It was before my career had taken off over here a bit.

I was out there supporting a very famous comedian.

I was just doing the ten-minute warm-up

in a big theater like this.

And for me, it was a great stage in my career,

'cause I'd never been flown overseas to do a gig.

I'd never met a movie star.

I'd never performed in a theater.

It was exciting times, you know?

I get to the stage door after the gig,

and there's like 300 people waiting in the alleyway

just to get this guy's photo or an autograph or something.

And I'm standing off to the side like a bit of a douche bag,

like...

And then these two 18-year-old french canadian girls

come up and start talking to me.

Now, one of them's all hot and 18 and wahhh,

right?

And... and the other one's more...

Fat.

So...

I'm talking to the two girls.

Eventually, the movie star stops doing photos

and he walks over,

and the girls lose their fucking shit, right?

We go out drinking.

It gets to, like, 4:00 in the morning,

and they yell last orders.

Now, every man knows this moment in the night.

You've been working on a girl for hours.

You haven't closed the deal.

They've turned the lights on,

they've yelled last orders,

and you're in that pressure cooker of time

where you have to go, "uh, you wanna fuck?"

Right? So...

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret,

which a lot of comedians don't.

I'll tell you what I did in this situation.

I said to the girls... I said, "hey.

Let's stay out drinking."

And the girls go, "we can't.

All the bars are shut."

And I said, "not the bar back at our hotel.

The bar at our hotel is still open."

Now, I should mention at this stage of the story

that I knew full well that the bar at the hotel

was not open.

We get back to the hotel, the bar is shut,

and I'm like this, "oh, no!

"This is fucking bullshit.

Thank fuck I have drinks up in my room."

And then the girls come up to the room,

and the spider web of deceit is complete.

Now, we're all up there drinking.

After about 15 minutes, the other comedian becomes

what I can only call...

Rapey.

He wanted the two girls to kiss each other,

but he wasn't doing that drunken,

"how 'bout you two start kissing?"

He was grabbing the back of each of their heads,

going, "do it! Kiss each other! Do it!"

Now, I was sort of in awe of this guy,

so I was kind of nervous, so I was like,

"aww.

Don't do that."

But there's a bit of my brain going,

"but if you pull this off, I'm right there with you."

Right?

The guy sort of checks himself very quickly, and he's like,

"oh, I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry, girls.

I don't know what came over me."

And we forgive him rather quickly.

We continue on drinking.

About 40 minutes later, we run out of Coca-Cola

to mix with the Jack Daniels,

so I go out to the vending machine

to get more coke.

I come back in with all these cans of coke

under my arm.

Now, obviously, since I've been away,

the rapeyness has surged back through his veins,

'cause he now has one of the girls

pinned up against the wall

and he's tearing at her top.

The other girl's on his back trying to fight him off.

Now, as exciting as it was to see my first rape, I...

I really felt like I should intervene,

but I was nervous.

So I was kind of like George mcfly

from back to the future.

"Hey, you.

You get your damn hands off her."

And he gave me the most evil look

I've ever had from another person.

He slammed that girl against the wall.

He fought the other one off his back.

And he looked at me, and he goes,

"I'm gonna make sure you never work with me again."

"And you girls can fuck off as well.

I'm going to bed."

Then he storms out of the room,

and he slams the door behind him.

Now, the girls are about to cry,

so I've got to keep things upbeat, right?

You know when you're with a child,

and the child's fallen over,

and there's that small window of time

where the child doesn't know it's hurt itself?

And if you just go, "aggggh!"

The kid sort of goes, "oh, no, what's happened?"

So he's stormed out, the girls are about to cry,

and I'm actually going, "whoa-haaaaa!

"Ahhh. Someone had too much to drink,

now, didn't they?"

"Don't cry.

"I'm not gonna rape ya.

"Uh, look, look, look, look, look.

"Look, look, look.

"I'll lock the door, okay?

"He can't get back in,

"but you can't get ou... No, I'm joking!

"I'm joking! I'm joking! I'm joking! I'm joking!

"I'm j-j-j-j...!

There's no rape."

So the girls calm down.

I go over to a table in the room

and I start cutting up a gram of coke.

Now, I turn around to offer the girls a line,

but the look of horror that is on their faces...

These are 18-year-old girls.

They'd never seen cocaine.

I might as well have turned around

with a belt around my arm, holding a needle, just...

So as soon as I saw their faces,

I tried to downplay the situation,

so I went...

"I've never done it before.

"The... the bad man gave it to me.

It's probably hor... i'm... I'm gonna throw it away."

So I gently scrape the coke back into the wrap,

and for a man who'd allegedly

never taken cocaine in his life,

I fold the wrap up like an origami ninja.

Just...

And then I looked at the girls, and I went,

"well, I'm off to the bathroom."

And I go to the bathroom of my own hotel room,

and I start doing cocaine off the toilet seat.

I come back out a little bit more chipper.

I lay down between the girls.

Every ten minutes,

I'm getting up and doing cocaine.

I'm coming back.

I'm still drinking whiskey after whiskey.

So I'm drunk, plus I'm coked up,

but I'm trying to act like I'm not coked up,

and so I'm trying to hide everything

in front of the girls,

and that's giving me the appearance

of cerebral palsy.

'Cause I'm just lying between the girls going...

And then the hot girl goes to the bathroom,

and the big girl gets on top of me

and starts making out with me.

And I'm so wasted, I don't give a fuck.

I'm taking all comers. I'm like, "ahh.

"Big fat person. Ahh, ahh, ahh.

Ahh, ahh."

It's like extra person, right?

And then the hot girl comes out of the bathroom

and the big girl gets off me

as though nothing had happened.

She makes a hell of a sound.

And then the big girl goes to the bathroom,

and the hot girl starts making out with me,

or I start making out with her... Who can remember?

So when the other girl comes back from the bathroom,

I spring to the end of the bed, and I went, "look.

"Here's the deal.

"We've all been making out.

We should all get naked and fuck."

And the big girl's already taking off her top,

like, "yeah, let's do this!"

And the hot girl goes, "I don't want to do that."

So I point at the big girl, and I went,

"your job is to convince her.

I'm going to the bathroom."

So I go to the bathroom.

I do another fat line of Charlie.

I peer out the bathroom door. The two girls are naked.

I'm excited, but I've never had a threesome before,

so I panic a little bit.

So I jump back into the bathroom in front of the mirror.

I'm like, "ha-ha!

"This is fucking brilliant!

"40 minutes ago,

"there was gonna be a rape in this room.

I've really turned things around."

And then my brain goes,

"you've just taken a gram of coke in 40 minutes,"

and I look down, and my cock's shriveled up like a walnut,

and I'm like, "oh, no!"

And I start hitting it like it owes me money.

I'm trying to reason with it.

"Come on, it's two 18-year-olds.

This is what we've always talked about."

I'm stretching it,

trying to get blood flow back into it,

but I've got nothing.

I don't know about you, but when I take coke,

I bloat out and I sweat like a beast.

And I've got all fat and sweaty

with this gnarly little fucking cock.

My mouth's like cotton,

and I'm just looking at myself in the mirror like...

"This is you."

So I just owned it.

And I just walk out all fat and gross, like...

"Hello, ladies."

The big girl's going down on the hot girl.

The hot girl's head's at the end of the bed.

So I put my flaccid cock into the hot girl's mouth,

which sounds like an aggressive move.

And it was.

And she's sucking on this flaccid whiskey-coke cock,

and I've got no decorum.

I'm just over her head going, "ha-ha, ha-ha!"

And my gut's resting over one of her eyeballs

like she was a meat pirate.

And I'm sweating profusely from my forehead

into the other open eyeball.

And after a minute and a half,

she pulls my cock out of her mouth and goes,

"we're not doing this anymore!"

And you know what I thought at that moment?

"Good call."

I really pushed that boat out as far into the harbor

as maybe it should've gone, you know?

I just wanted the girls to go home.

I wasn't going to make them happy.

All I wanted at this stage of the evening

was to have me coke wank.

Now, if you don't know what a coke wank is,

let me explain.

When you take about a gram of cocaine or so,

and you get home, and you're lying in bed,

and your friends are gone,

and the sun's about to come up,

and the depression's about to set in,

you masturbate for around four hours.

Now, this sounds excessive, and it is,

but don't think you're enjoying yourself

for four hours.

For 3 hours and 58 minutes, you're in fucking agony,

'cause the cum's right at the end of your cock,

but the nerve center in your brain

refuses to pass the message on to shoot it out.

And that's what keeps you at the table like a bad gambler.

Now, the most important thing with a coke wank

is to keep your focus.

You lose your focus, you're fucked.

You've hit the reset button. You gotta start again.

I'll tell you how I do it.

I lay on the bed

with my laptop really high up on my chest,

with the battery burning into my rib cage.

I put the most horrific porn I can find on the screen,

which often is just women punching each other.

I put my hand behind the screen

so I don't have to see how violently I'm fucking myself.

Then, through cuts, abrasions, and bruises,

and using tears as lube,

eventually, you will come,

but you're so dehydrated, it doesn't come out

in a fluid state.

You just shoot, like, these six gelatin chunks.

Now, ordinarily, when you come on your chest,

it's best to get a towel and mop it up,

but this stuff, you just roll it in a ball

and Chuck it in the corner.

Then, after you come, you realize something

you're almost dead.

Your heart's beating at a very irregular pace.

Your mouth's like cotton.

So you peel yourself off the mattress to get water,

but your thighs are cramping up.

You walk away. You turn around.

You see a sweaty outline of your body on the sheet,

and it looks like the shroud of turin.

Anyway...

I was looking forward to doing that.

So I said to the girls, I said, "oh...

You can go home."

And the big girl went,

"but I still want to get fucked."

And I went, "oh, you're more of a package deal."

Now, as soon as I said it...

As soon as I said it,

I felt like a fucking asshole, right?

One of the great things about being an offensive comic

is you can cover your steps very quickly by going,

"oh, I'm kidding. I'm crazy. Wahh!"

So I did that.

I went, "oh, I'd love to fuck you.

"I love you. I was kidding. I would love it.

"Rahh!

But I can't fuck you in front of your friend."

And she points at her friend and goes,

"you get in the bathroom while I fuck him."

And I went, "eh.

"Eh.

I-I can't see why that wouldn't work."

Now I've got to fuck her. It would be rude not to.

You can't be willing to fuck someone in a couple

and not be willing to fuck them as an individual.

That's bad manners,

and my mother brought me up better than that.

So I'm gonna fuck this girl to be polite.

And her friend didn't want to go into the bathroom,

and she's, like, crying, and her friend's, like,

pushing her, like, "just get in the fucking bathroom."

This big fat girl's pushing this hot girl,

like, "get in the fucking bathroom."

And I'm so wasted, I'm getting involved, like,

"yeah! Get in the bathroom!"

And so we push this hot girl into the bathroom.

She sits on the toilet. She's crying.

She's so hot, and she's crying, like...

Then she turns the hair dryer on

so she doesn't have to listen.

So picture, like, there's this hot girl.

She's crying. She's holding a hair dryer.

Just...

Anyway, that gave me an erection.

So now I've got an erection.

Do I wear a condom?

And the answer is no.

I was on too many drugs to come.

No one's getting fucking pregnant.

And let's be honest... 18-year-old canadian

who'd never seen cocaine?

Let's go out on a limb

and say she doesn't have aids.

And even if she did have aids,

it wouldn't be the aggressive "rahh" aids.

It would be a soft, gentle, girly aids that...

Probably wouldn't kill me.

So I got on top of her.

I told her I was a premature ejaculator

so I didn't have to fuck her for too long.

'Cause I knew I wasn't gonna come, right?

So I put my cock in her for like ten thrusts.

I went... And then I just pulled out

and went, "rahh!"

And she went, "what was that?"

And I went, "oh, I just came over there."

And she goes, "no, you didn't." I went, "yes, I did.

"There's, uh, heaps of it over there.

"I wouldn't go over there. You'll get pregnant.

It looks like a Jackson pollock painting over there."

Anyway, then we let her friend out of the bathroom,

the girls got dressed,

and they went home.

Now, that should be the end of the story,

but it's not.

That story happened five years ago.

Now, this year, I went back

to the just for laughs comedy festival in Montreal,

and I wasn't supporting some movie star.

I was... I was in the big theater myself, and... and...

And when I finished the show, I went to the stage door,

and there was people waiting for my autograph.

And at the end of the queue

was the hot girl, all these years later.

And I took her back to my hotel

and I fucked her.

Now, the reason I tell you this story

is because you should never give up on your dreams.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

Good night. Bye-bye.