Original subtitles

um

Ah, there it is.

My house.

That good old Cleveland Street. How could I ever forget it?

But there I am.

With that dumb round face and that stupid stocking cap.

Oh, but no matter.

Christmas was on its way.

Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas around which the entire kid year

Downtown Holman was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia of peace on earth and

goodwill to men.

Don't tell it on the mountain that Jesus Christ is born.

Higbee's Corner Window was traditionally a high -water mark of the pre

-Christmas season.

First -nighters packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment before a

golden, tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy.

There it is.

The holy grail of Christmas gifts. The Red Rider 200 -shot range model air

rifle.

And there he is.

Red Rider himself.

In his hand was the knurled stock of as coolly deadly looking a piece of

weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on.

For weeks, I had been scheming to get my mitts on one of these fearsome blue

steel beauties. My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up

with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the Red Rider range

model air rifle indelibly into my parents' subconscious.

Grabbing for her copy of Look magazine, would find herself cleverly trapped into

reading a Red Rider sales pitch.

They traded Bullfrog. I don't believe it.

What's that?

For Christ's sake, the Sox traded Bullfrog. The only player they got for

Schottenhofer. Poor -eyed Schottenhofer. A utility infielder.

And a whole odd damn team utility infielder.

That's nice.

Ralphie, on the...

Did you hear about this guy who swallowed a yo -yo?

Swallowed a yo -yo? Yeah, on a bed.

Some clodhopper down in Griffith, Indiana.

Boy, they write the silliest things in the newspapers.

What do you mean, silly?

I mean, that's real news. That's not like a politics lot.

What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Victor. His name is Victor.

How the hell did you know that?

Everybody knows that.

Another one of your silly puzzles.

Yeah, it's another one of our silly puzzles.

Could be worth 50 ,000 bucks.

What kind is it this time?

Name the great characters in American literature.

Victor? Yeah? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Meanwhile, I struggle for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm,

subtle. Let's say they saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store.

looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

I could tell I was in imminent danger of overplaying my hand.

Casually, I switched tactics.

Hey, Dad.

I'll bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas.

A new furnace.

That's a good one, Dad.

My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in northern Indiana.

Hurry up, you're going to be late for school.

Yeah, yeah, I'm running late already.

Round one was over.

Parents won, kids zip.

I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten.

Maybe what happened next was inevitable.

Ralphie? What would you like for Christmas?

Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out. I want an official Red Ryder carbon

action 200 -year -old range -barrel air rifle.

No.

Shoot your eye out. Oh, no. It was the classic mother BB gun block.

You'll shoot your eye out.

That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers was not

surmountable by any means known to kiddom. But such was my mania.

my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dyke.

I was just kidding.

Even though Flick is getting one.

I guess I just like some Tinker Toys. I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker

Toys? She'd never buy it.

BB guns are dangerous.

I don't want anybody shooting his eye out.

Randy, what did you eat?

There are starving people in China.

Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow

the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family

and insensate evil.

As long as I got old blue.

What have we got here, folks?

Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.

Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Rider Carbine Action 2 on the shop

range model air rifle.

Lucky I got a compass and a stop.

Well, I think I better have a look here. No reason.

Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man. A

bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator.

Little pitcher.

Stupid Parnas.

Dadgummit.

Damn skates.

Oh, for Christ's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it

the way down? Again?

Oh, blast it.

Toot, flirt, rattle, smash, hammer, flirt. You blockhead, rattle, beast,

-up, rat.

In the heat of battle, My father wove a tapestry of

obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep -sea

My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop.

What?

What is it?

What is it?

What is it? I can't put my arms down.

Put

your

arms down when you get to school.

Just like I told you. Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?

He knows because he once saw a guy come to a railroad track on a...

Flick, wait up.

I can't get up.

It's cold.

Come on. Get up. Sit up.

You're okay. Come on. Let's go. Come on. You're all right.

All

right,

everyone. Take your seats.

Good morning class.

Silas Marner.

That's cause you know it'll stick.

You're full of it. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Well, I double dog dare ya.

Now it was serious. A double dog dare. What else was left but a triple dare

And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare.

I triple dog dare ya.

Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare

going right for the throat.

All right, all right.

Stiffened his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now

He was at recess, wasn't he?

Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?

I said, has anyone seen Flick?

Yes, Esther Jane.

Oh, my God!

Now, I know that some of you put Fleck up to this.

But he has refused to say who.

But those who did it know their blame.

And I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might

receive.

Now, don't you feel terrible?

Don't you feel remorse for what you have done?

Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.

Adults love to say things like that. The kids know better. We knew darn well it

was always better not to get caught.

Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment.

I want you to write...

I'll see.

What I want for Christmas.

Aha, the clouds lifted.

And I want it handed in tomorrow morning. I saw a faint gleam of light at

other end of the black cave of doom.

I knew that when Miss Shields read my magnificent, eloquent theme, that she

would sympathize with my plight and everything would work out somehow.

Scut Farkas. Scut Farkas. What a rotten name. We were trapped.

There he stood, between us and the alley.

Scut Farkas staring out at us with his yellow eyes.

He had yellow eyes, so help me God, yellow eyes.

Grover Dill!

Farkas's crummy little toady. Mean, rotten.

His lips curled over his green teeth.

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

In

our

world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble

of victims.

kid to him, the mind switches gears rapidly.

Weeks ago, I had sent away from my little orphan Annie secret society

pin.

Oh, skunked again.

No matter. Today, I had serious work to do.

What I want for Christmas.

What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass and a stock and

this thing which tells time.

Wow, that's great.

I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun.

They're very good for Christmas.

I don't think that football is a very good Christmas present.

Oh, rarely get the words poured from my penny pencil with such feverish

fluidity.

I won!

I won! I won!

Get out of here, you...

Aha!

The bumpus hounds! Da -da -da -da -da -da!

Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least 785 smelly hound dogs.

And they ignored every other human being on Earth but my old man.

I won!

I won!

I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

won! I won! I won!

I won

It means it's coming tonight.

I called Ernie McCloskey down at the freight depot. He said that the telegram

was late. The prize was already there. He was going to send it on tonight.

Go on, have a chew, fellas. You know,

maybe it'll be one of those Spanish adobe houses down at Coral Gate.

Sir, is that right, you smelly buggers?

Or it could be a bowling alley.

Do you know? Well, a guy will tear a hot bun in a bowling alley.

I could send the deed, for Christ's sake. I mean, I didn't expect they

send an old damn bowling alley.

Yeah, well, how about eating? I'm starving to death.

It's hard work, kid. Come on.

Every family has a kid who won't eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily

in over three years.

Randy, don't play with your food. Eat it.

Starving people would be happy to have that.

Can I have some more red cabbage?

You stop playing with your food or I'll give you something to cry about.

You better stop fooling around with that and eat it or you'll be sorry.

Can I just have some more?

My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.

Meatloaf, meatloaf, double beetloaf.

I hate meatloaf.

All right.

All right, I'll get that kid to eat.

Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll

shove it in.

Randy. My mother was more subtle.

How do the little piggies go?

That's right.

Oink, oink.

Now, show me how the piggies eat. This is your trough.

Show me how the piggies eat.

Diddy boy, show mommy how the piggies eat.

What is it? I don't know.

What's in it?

Here. Bring it in, huh?

Okay, boys. Haul that on in here. Move it, Charles. Yeah, yeah. Bring it right

on in. Right here.

Bring it ahead.

Straight ahead. That's right.

Right.

Okay, bring it right on in, fellas. That's it. There we go.

A little more.

A little more.

That's it.

Watch the lady.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Merry Christmas.

Get the cool boy a hammer, Ralphie.

Fragile.

It must be Italian.

I think that says fragile, honey.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Gee, you really did a job on that, you know.

No, Harry.

Harry.

Harry.

There could be anything in there.

Maybe they forgot.

It's in there. It's got to be in there.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Would you look at that?

Would you look at that?

What is it?

It's a leg.

What is it?

Well, it's a leg, you know, like in a statue.

Statue? Yeah, statue.

Yeah, statue.

Ralphie.

My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Holy smoke, will you?

Do you know what this is?

This is a lamp.

It was indeed a lamp.

Isn't that great?

What a great lamp.

I don't know.

Hey,

hold it.

Hold it. Here, go on.

The old man's eyes buckled. Oh, wow.

Overcome by art. And I know just the place for it.

Right in the middle of our front room window.

No, it's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

Let's see.

This goes to the radio.

Well,

it's just one too many.

Let's see.

The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in

unparalleled glory.

Oh, look at that.

Will you look at that innocent face.

Gloria, it's indescribably beautiful.

It reminds me of the Fourth of July.

Turn off all the lights. I want to see what it looks like in the street.

I'll go get the bedding. Can we talk this over?

Honey.

To the right. Yeah, a little that way.

Just a little... A little more to the right.

Yeah, more.

Yes, it does. Stop right there. That's wonderful.

Hey, Parker, what is that?

Don't bother me now, sweetie. You can't see I'm busy.

Yeah, but what is that?

It's a major award.

A major award?

Shucks, I wouldn't have known, Dad. It looks like a lamp.

Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a major award.

I want it.

Damn hell, you say you won it?

I have mind power, Sleeve, mind power.

The entire neighborhood was turned on.

Oh, you should see what it looks like from out here.

It could be seen up and down Cleveland Street, the symbol of the old man's

victory. If he won that, it's a major award.

Isn't it about time for somebody's favorite radio program?

Yeah. Holy smokes, it was 645.

Only one thing in the world could have dragged me away from the soft glow of

electric sex gleaming in the window.

Who's that little chatterbox?

The one with pretty auburn locks?

Whom do you see?

It's Little Orphan Annie.

Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to you by Rich Chocolatey

I can still taste it.

I knew I was handing Miss Shields a masterpiece.

Maybe Miss Shields, in her ecstasy, would excuse me from theme writing for

rest of my natural life.

Nothing. This theme I've been waiting for all my life.

Listen to this sentence.

A red rider be begun encompassing the stock and this

thing. to do

until you walk, Ralph.

I'm just turning in my theme.

Well, you can take your seat now.

Take your seat.

My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary

of the Lamp. The epic struggle which followed lives in the folklore of

Street to this very day.

I don't want to waste electricity.

I don't want to waste electricity.

Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.

We got 300 trees here. This is the Christmas tree emporium. and the entire

Midwest. Now, you ain't gonna find no better tree than this here tree.

This here tree is built to last.

Ain't no needles coming off this here tree.

Okay. Now, here's a tree.

This here is a tree.

That's a little skimpy in the front there. Well, you just put it in the

That means you got a big tree.

Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree.

Now, here's a tree. This here is a tree.

Uh -huh.

Don't you think it's a little large?

Christmas only comes once a year. Why not? Why not?

How much? I'll knock off two bucks because I can see you're a man who knows

trees. This isn't one of those trees that all the needles falls off, is it?

that's some bosses.

The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader, and he was twice as

shrewd. You know, Zulach just bought one of those brand new green plastic trees.

Darn thing looks like it was made out of...

Green pipe cleaners.

This is a very nice tree.

I'll throw in some rope and tie it to your car for you. You got a deal.

Deal.

always saw himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500.

My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic

sense. They were round. They had once been made of rubber.

Ralphie, why don't you go help your father?

Really? Can I? Yeah.

Watch the traffic there. Okay.

It was the first time that it had been suggested that I go help my father with

anything.

What are you doing here?

Mom said I should help. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Okay, sit down here. Squat down.

Here, hold this.

No,

not that way. Go on, come on. Pull it like this.

Oh, like this. I want to put the nuts in it. Okay, there we go.

And we got it.

There we go.

For one brief moment, I saw the both silhouetted against the lights of the

traffic, and then they were gone.

Didn't say fudge.

I said the word.

The big one. The queen mother of dirty words.

The F dash dash dash word. What did you say?

That's what I thought you said.

In the car.

Go on.

It was all over. I was dead.

What would it be?

The guillotine hanging, the chair, the rack, the Chinese water torture.

Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Do you know what your son just said?

No. What?

I'll tell you what he said.

Ready?

Ah!

Sophie!

Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal

is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant, after -dinner flavor.

Heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness.

Life boy, on the other hand... You ready to tell me?

All right. Where did you hear that word?

Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man.

My father worked in profanity, the way other artists might work in oils or

It was his true medium, a master.

But... I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Schwartz!

Oh, I see.

Hello,

Mrs. Schwartz?

Yes, I'm fine.

Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

He said... No, not that.

Yes, that.

Do you know where he heard it?

Probably from his father.

No, he heard it from your son.

What?

mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

Rinse up and go to bed.

Oh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon.

I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You

are being punished, so no comic book reading.

I'm going to come in there, and if there are any lights on, don't you give me

that look. You're going to get it.

Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his.

There has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but insistently, that

would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.

Ralph, where you been?

Ralph, he's carrying a cage. What is it, Ralph? What happened?

Ralph, he's flying.

Flying? Oh, my God.

Ralph,

is it something we did? What brought you to this lonely stage?

Ralph, please tell us no matter how it hurts. What did we do?

No, I...

I can't. Oh, please, North, I must know what we did. What brought you to this?

Please. Please.

Please?

It... It... It was?

Yes.

Yes. So... Poisoning.

Oh!

How can we do it?

Well, I'll manage to get along.

Somehow. I'll never forget myself.

Thanks, Mom.

I told you not to use life, boy.

thought that you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff.

Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.

Well, thank you very much, Ralph.

Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year.

You can take your seat now, Ralph.

The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine in order to get the Ovaltine

seal to send off for my little orphan Annie's secret decoder pen was about to

pay off.

I got it.

Master Ralph Park...

known to all and sundry that Ralph Parker has hereby appointed a member of

Little Orphan Annie secret circle and is entitled to all the honors and benefits

occurring thereto.

Signed, Little Orphan Annie.

Countersigned, Pierre Andre in ink.

Honors and benefits already at the age of nine.

Come on, let's get on with it. I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and

pirates.

Tomorrow night for the concluding adventure of the Black Pirate Ship.

Now it's time for Annie's secret message for you members of the secret circle.

Remember, kids, only members of Annie's secret circle can decode Annie's secret

message. Remember, Annie is depending on you.

Set your pins to B2.

Here is the message.

12, 11, 2. I am in.

My first secret meeting.

Pierre was in great voice tonight. I could tell that tonight's message was

really important.

That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone.

Ninety seconds later, I'm in the only room in the house where a boy of nine

could sit in privacy and decode.

Aha, B.

I went to the next.

E. The first word is B.

S. It was coming easier now.

U.

That's right.

I'll be right down, Bob.

G.

O.

Be sure to. Be sure to what?

What was little orphan Andy trying to say? Be sure to what? Andy has got to

Will you please come out? All right, Ma.

I'll be right out.

I was getting closer now. The tension was terrible.

What was it? The fate of the planet may hang in the balance.

Andy's got to go.

I'll be right out. Find out now.

She's almost there.

My fingers flew. My mind was a steel trap.

Every pore vibrated.

It was almost clear. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

Ovaltine?

A crummy commercial?

Son of a bitch.

I went out to face the world again.

Wiser.

What happened next was a family controversy for years.

I was watering my plant and I broke your lamp.

You touch that!

You are always jealous of this lamp.

Jealous of a plastic lamp? Jealous!

Jealous because I won.

That's ridiculous.

Jealous. Jealous of what?

That is the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire life.

Now it was out.

Get the glue.

We're out of glue. You use up all the

glue on purpose.

The old man stood quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a

real crusher.

All he got out was, Not a finger!

With as much dignity as he could muster, the old man gathered up the sad remains

of his shattered major award.

Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage.

Now, I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of taps

played.

Gently.

You want to get my own man for Christmas? No, what?

A roasted squirt. People come to smell it.

It squirts him. I'm getting my own man a foot gun. Oh, really? Foot gun.

Run!

Run!

Stop right there.

Gee, ordinarily, if Dill so much as said hi to you, you felt great warm inside.

But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth. I can't now, Grover.

I've got to go see Michelle.

left flick to certain annihilation.

But B .B. Gunmania knows no loyalties.

Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle!

Uncle!

All right, class.

I have your Christmas themes for you.

I'm pleased.

In general, you did very well.

Disappointed in the margin.

Oh, this is it.

C plus. Oh, no, it can't be. C plus.

C plus.

C plus.

Oh, no.

You'll shoot your eye out.

My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields. There could be no other

You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!

Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder

and his peacemaker?

These multiplication questions were most missed in our last math test. Could you

answer in unison, please?

I was surrounded by happier kids who were all going to get what they wanted

Christmas.

Listen, jerk, when I tell you to come, you better come.

What, are you going to cry now?

Come on, cry, baby, cry for me. Come on, cry.

Deep in the recesses of my brain, a tiny red -hot little flame began to grow.

A fuse blew, and I had gone out of my skull.

People under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues.

I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all

kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

We're going home.

Come on, let's get down in here.

Just settle down.

I want you to go in there and lie down in your room for a while.

Ralphie, just settle down.

Here,

dry off.

Calm down.

All right, now go lie down.

The light was getting purple and soft outside. Almost time for my father to

home from work.

Randy!

Hi.

What's the matter?

What are you crying for?

No, he's not.

Yes, he is, too.

No, he's not. I promise you, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.

Why don't you come on out of there?

No?

Would you like some milk?

You would?

Here you go.

I'll see you later?

Okay. Bye -bye.

I heard the car roar up the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me.

know what I said, the awful things that I said.

Get out of here. Go on. Get out of here.

Bumpers, get over here and get...

Where's your glasses?

Did you lose your glasses again?

Uh, Ralphie?

Remember, um, you left these on the radio again. Try not to do that anymore.

So what else happened today?

Oh, nothing much.

Ralphie had a fight.

A fight?

What kind of a fight?

Oh, you know, how boys are.

Gave him a talking to.

I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Zudoff's got tickets. I wish I had them.

Oh, well, there's pieces of key straw up out there.

I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed.

The Chicago Bears.

Terror of the Midway. From then on, things were different between me and my

mother.

More like Chicago Chipmunks, maybe, but bears, never.

Strange. Even something as monumental as the Scott -Farkas affair, as it came to

be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled for a way out of the

impenetrable BB gun web in which my mother had me trapped.

Santa!

Yeah, uh, Santa!

Of course, Santa!

The big man! The head honcho!

The connection.

My mother had slipped up this time.

I'll be.

Look over there. See, the line's not so long.

You can go get in it. Now take Andy's hand and hold on to him. We'll see you

later, okay? Yeah, yeah, stay together. Don't get lost.

Okay.

And what do you want? Come on.

Let's go.

Young man.

Hey, kid.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going up to see Sam.

The line ends here.

The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre

And I was at the end of it.

Yeah.

Let's face it, most of us were scoffers, but moments before zero hour, it did

not pay to take chances.

Don't bother me.

I'm thinking.

Yeah.

I like to tune in.

If Higby thinks I'm working one minute past nine, he can kiss my foot.

Come on up on Santa's lap.

Here's a wet one.

And what's your name, little boy?

Come on, Randy.

And what do you want for Christmas?

Tapioca. Oh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Nine o 'clock. Great Scott. The store is going to close.

Santa can't wait. Oh, Merry Christmas.

Come on up. I'm Santa Claus.

the pole!

What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

My mind had gone blank.

Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing

it. Come on, kid.

How about a nice football?

Football? Football?

What's a football?

Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out. Football.

Okay, get him out of here.

A football?

Oh, no.

What was I doing?

Wake up, stupid!

Wake up! No!

Have you been a good boy out here?

No.

Don't worry.

He knows.

He always knows.

Merry Christmas!

Okay, down you go.

Hey, see, I told you it was green.

Hold it! Don't anybody move!

Hold it right there!

A fuse is out.

The old man could replace fuses quicker than a jackrabbit on a date. He bought

them by the gross.

crooked. That star is perfectly straight.

No,

it's all right.

I am, I am. Come on. Just let me get it fixed. All

right.

Yes.

Hey!

hasn't had to pass up this house just because some boys weren't in bed when he

came by. Yeah, I thought I heard Santa's sleigh bells a little while ago going

up the other side of the street.

All right, you two, upstairs.

Come on.

Wow! Randy!

Randy, come on! Get up, Randy!

Santa Claus had come.

Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Now, oh, Randy, now, wait for Christmas to start, honey.

I want to play Santa. I want to play Santa. Well, wait a minute, Randy. You

played Santa. You played Santa last year, didn't you? Yeah. Now, Ralphie,

play Santa this time.

Well, who should I start with?

Well, give Randy a present. And, um, and I think I see Aunt Clara's gift to you

right over there. She always sends you such wonderful presents, Ralphie. Give

that.

Christmas had come, officially.

We plunged into the cornucopia, quivering with desire and the ecstasy of

unbridled avarice. Didn't I get a tie this year?

Wow!

Whoopee! A sibling!

A can of Simon Eyes.

Ralphie, what did Aunt Clary give you? Show everybody.

I don't want to.

Ralphie, show everybody what Aunt Clara gave you.

Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only

perpetually four years old, but also a girl.

She just always gives you the nicest things, Ralphie.

Oh, my.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Ralph, go upstairs and try it on. I don't want to. Go upstairs right now and

on that present. She went to all that trouble to make it. Now go on.

While Ralphie is changing, I'm going to play

Santa Claus.

Let me see. What can I find?

Oh, I see something.

Randy, this is for you, honey.

Oh. And this is for Daddy.

Here.

From me to you.

Thanks a lot.

I wonder what it could be.

Only one way to find out, isn't there?

Well, it's a blue ball.

Oh, it's a bowling ball.

Thank you, darling. Thank you. Yes, very much.

Very much.

Ralphie! We're waiting!

Oh, come on, Mom.

Right now!

Immediately,

my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue

eyes stared sappily up at me.

Come down here so I can see you better.

I just hope that Flick would never spot him, as the word of this humiliation

could easily make life at Warren G. Harning's school a veritable hell.

Oh, isn't that cute? That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my

He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

He does not.

He does, too. He looks like a pink nightmare.

Are you happy wearing that?

Do you want to take it off?

Tell the kid to take it off. All right, you'll only wear it when Aunt Clara

visits. Go on and take it off. Take it off!

My God, would you look at that mess.

Who's going to clean the papers up?

Not me.

Oh, no?

No. Granny did it last year.

Well, you can do it again.

Well, this wine's not bad.

It's not good either, but do you want a sip?

Yeah. No, you don't.

Nice Christmas?

Yeah, pretty nice. Did you get everything you wanted?

Almost.

Almost, huh?

Well, that's life.

Well, there's always next Christmas.

Yeah.

Hey, that's funny.

What's that over there behind the desk?

Where? Behind the desk against the wall over there.

Why don't you go check it out?

What have you put over there, honey? I was going to tell you. Santa Claus

probably brought it.

hardly wait to try it out.

Did you not load it?

Yeah.

That's right.

Careful.

They run all over.

Close it up. Close it up.

Can I try it out, Ma? Can't I?

Okay, but outside.

Oh, I still say those things are dangerous.

No, no. Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out.

I had one when I was eight years old.

What if he hurts himself?

Tell me! Your coat!

Don't shoot any animals or birds. Except the bumpus' dog.

Oh, my gosh. Be careful, Ralphie.

Now it is well known throughout the Midwest that the old man is a turkey

A bonafide golly turkicanus freak.

A few days before Christmas, his eyes would begin to gleam with a wild and

ravenous light.

Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.

Oh, my God, I shot my eye out. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

You'll shoot your eye out. You'll shoot your eye out.

Ralphie, you be careful out there. Don't shoot your eye out. She hadn't seen.

She didn't know.

My eye's all right. The BB must have hit my glasses.

My glasses. Oh, no, where are my glasses?

Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid as a pair

busted glasses.

Oh, no.

Pulverized.

Oh, no.

For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it. They'll never know the lens is gone.

Oh, no.

Rapidly, my mind evolved a spectacular plot.

Let's see.

An icicle, yeah, falls off the garage and hits me in the eye. It would work.

It had to work.

Quickly, I whipped up some tears.

Ralphie?

What's the matter, honey?

What happened? What is it? Let me see that. What is it?

What?

No, it's okay.

Just reach your funny.

All right.

Randy?

Wake up, Randy.

Good.

My teeth!

I broke my glasses.

I tried to get out of the way.

Oh, see?

It's just a little bump.

Oh, see?

You're lucky it didn't cut your eye. Those icicles have been known to kill

people.

What's going on up there?

Nothing. We'll be right down.

You stay away from that turkey. It's got an hour to cook. You'll get worms.

But what about my glasses?

Well, you can wear the old ones with the crack in them until we get you some new

ones. I had pulled it off.

But I left my gun outside.

Yeah, well...

When you get dressed, you can go out, get your gun. You can't hold that on

there.

Life is like that.

Sometimes at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its

all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon

us.

oh my god

Alma still hung heavy in the house, but it was gone, all gone. No turkey, no

turkey sandwiches, no turkey salad, no turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la

king, or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, all gone.

All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed.

We are going out to eat.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Not rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. La, la, la, la, la.

Sing like this.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

But you see, it's smiling at

me.

Okay?

Beautiful. Yeah, yeah.

That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas when we were

introduced to Chinese turkey.

Always right with the world.

Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty, the greatest

Christmas gift I had ever received or would ever receive.

Gradually I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting

spectacular hip shots.