Original subtitles

It's almost five o'clock. Where the hell is Judith anyway? You told her 10.

45, right?

I made it 11. My new appointment book only has lines on the half hour, so I

round it up.

Ah, the widow stone. You're early.

Judith, quick, quick, quick. Gibby's waiting in the office. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now remember, the most important thing about pitching a book, keep it short.

Okay, easy on the cycle, Babble. Right? Let's go.

What? What? What's the matter?

It's just that, you know, I was walking down Broadway and the Richard Stone

Follies is opening it.

I'm just not ready for this.

Now, Judith, come on. Come on. You can't just mope around forever.

Doing this book is exactly what you need. It'll take your mind off Richard.

And more importantly, it'll give us a chance to...

Help people, you know, really, really make a difference.

I guess you're right.

That's the spirit. Okay, come on. Ready?

Let's go.

Toby.

Rats.

Here she is.

Ha ha, Judy.

You look as refreshing as a pool of spring rain in a kangaroo's pouch.

Oh, thank you, Gibby.

So, Marty here tells me you've got an idea that's going to blow my dress up.

Oh, I have a couple of different ideas, actually.

Oh, germs of ideas, really. Maybe germs isn't the right word.

I think what Judith is trying to say is that as a clinical psychologist with

many, many years of practical experience...

Ooh. Oh, Marty. Is that a self-help book I smell?

Uh, not exactly. No, because no one's actually helping themselves.

Right? It's Judith helping others. Judith, help themselves.

Same shit. Different toilet, Marty.

So, Judy, anything else on the menu?

Uh, well, I do have another idea.

Right. A new and improved idea. One that won't help anybody.

Ha ha ha.

Judith?

I'm thinking of publishing Richard's memoirs.

Oh, actually, Jude, we don't, uh, we don't do that sort of book.

Richard Stone's memoirs?

Well, I've got just two words to say to that.

Ka-ching, ka-ching. Soul.

Really? Oh, that's great.

With all due respect, isn't Richard a bit overexposed?

I mean, between the comic book and the miniseries and the board game.

Enough is enough.

These are the words of the most important man of our time, brought to us by

his muse, the woman who inspired him to greatness.

Okay, okay, enough already.

Well, that's very sweet of you to say.

But, but, but... Good point, Marty.

So, uh, what pearls of wisdom might be finding these diaries?

Uh, well, uh, I haven't read them yet.

That's right, Gibby. It's much too painful for her.

No, no, it's because Richard wrote them in Aramaic.

He always felt constrained by the poetic limitations of English.

Don't we all?

Judy, you are a genius. Marty, you hire a translator.

Let's grease this one up and slip it in for Christmas, eh?

Wait!

Maybe Judith has an even better idea.

I mean, she crochets. We could do a crocheting book.

Marty, here's a little tip for you.

When I get up, that means the meeting is over.

So, Judy, let's have lunch tomorrow.

We'll discuss your advance.

And if your editor here gives you any

trouble, just give my rope a little tug, eh?

Thank you, Gibby.

You were right. That was fun.

Yeah. Well...

You've just committed suicide.

I'm confused here.

June 7th, Richard invents solar-powered

dialysis machine that fits into a f anny pack.

Do you file that under great inventions or breakthroughs in fashion?

Actually, it should go into high school years.

He made it for the science fair.

Yeah, well, some of us had a paper route after school.

Here it is, December 13th, our first date.

Oh, it was so romantic.

Richard made dinner, we listened to Sinatra,

we had dessert, then Sinatra left and we had champagne.

God, I'm starving.

Let's get some lunch.

That's strange. I'm not in here.

No kidding. I'm buying.

Great! I'm thinking something pricey with the word "laze" or "shaze" in it.

I'll make reservations.

Oh, my God, Martin. Read this.

What?

He saved my life. He saved my mother's life.

And mine.

And mine, too.

It was a godlike thing to do.

Well, it's a little wordy, but, you know, there's nothing to cry about.

It's our wedding day.

He goes on for nine pages about how he ended some stupid famine,

and he doesn't even mention me.

I can't believe that's true. Now, wait a minute.

Here you are.

In a footnote, Mary J.

He didn't even spell out my name.

Go ahead and say something.

Richard was very busy, but isn't that what you loved about him?

His selfless devotion to others.

Don't get the shit about the others!

What about me?

He was my entire life, and I was a fucking footnote!

Jude.

Jude, look, maybe this is all for the best.

Maybe this is a sign that you should

stop mourning, Richard, and just move on.

You're right, Martin. You're right.

I am?

Here's your chance, Romeo. Make the most of it.

Of course I am.

Jude.

Jude, you're still young and alive.

You might want to think about getting out there again.

You know, just start dating.

Dating? Who's gonna ask me out?

I'm the Widow Stone.

Well, maybe there's somebody you already know.

Me.

Someone you're comfortable with.

Me.

Well, maybe. I don't know.

I know it's tough, Jude, but just remember, I... I... I... I... Love you.

I'm here for you.

I feel really good about this, and I don't want to rush things, you know?

No, no, no, no. I'm not gonna blow it this time.

I have a question.

Did a fucking safe fall on your head?

What?

Don't start with me. You just don't learn, do you?

I mean, it's like going to see Gallagher twice.

Do you think he's gonna be any better the second time?

Look at him.

Elastic to elastic.

Sean Connery taught me this on our show when we did our salute to Lennon.

Just forget I even mentioned it, okay?

All right, all right.

If you want to fuck up your life, at least don't fuck up fucking it up.

What'd you say?

Did you say something?

Could you expand on that, please?

Jude is a basket case right now, right?

She's crying all the time. She's in a lot of pain.

You gotta jump all over that.

You are disgusting.

I am not going to take advantage of a woman's pain.

On second, come up.

Hey!

Hey, Martin, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just thinking we never

celebrated your getting a book deal, right?

So, surprise!

Oh, you know, this is just really a bad time.

Oh, Jude, I know you're upset about the whole footnote thing,

but it's a gorgeous afternoon.

Why sit inside and mope when we can

be sitting outside eating macaroni salad ?

You love macaroni salad, right?

It's from Zabar's.

Well, you know, you're right.

Why don't you just go to the park and find a spot and I'll join you.

Jude, come on. It's a big park.

Come on, go get dressed, you sleepyhead.

What are these doing here?

Uh... I was, uh, dusting.

Please, I am not an idiot.

It's time Jeremy learned to put his dirty clothes in the hamper.

Huh. Hello, buddy.

Hello.

Oh, you found my skivvies, eh?

You can keep those if you like. Got plenty more back at the house.

Jude.

I... I... Jude.

Well, we're chatting. Anyone like some juice?

I'll hang your coat for you, Marty.

I told you it was a bad time.

Zabar's.

Zabar's.

Zabar's.

Too late, Marty. I'm all zipped up.

Excuse me.

Funny how we keep bumping into each other, isn't he?

Funny isn't the word I'd use, Gibby.

Listen, thanks for the goodies.

Your ex-wife and I really worked up an appetite, if you know what I mean.

Don't mention it, please.

Quite a lass is our duty.

You know, I never would have pegged her for a screamer.

I guess it's old news to you, eh?

Shut up about her.

I'll tear that jaw out of your face.

I can't tell you what to do.

But I don't want to hear about it, and I do not want to see it.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, by the way, having a little welcome

to Whitestone bash for the widow stone.

So be a good elf and leave Saturday night open, won't you?

Actually, Saturday's bad. I already made plans. I have to buy a gun.

Well, you can put that off a day or two, can't you?

8 P.M. at Judy's place.

Of course, the beauty of that is I not only save on the rent for a haul,

but also cab fare home, eh?

Eh? Eh?

Be there or be fired.

Oh, kill him.

Morning.

Where have you been? I've left a million messages on your machine.

Yes, well, I've been very busy doing a lot of...

Aaron's... Anyway, I didn't want to bother you at a bad time.

Listen, I know you're upset.

I'm not upset. Who's upset?

Look, obviously, this is an emotionally charged situation.

I really don't want to talk about it.

You don't owe me any explanations, right?

So let's just get to work.

Okay, fine.

All right.

What the fuck are you doing?

How could you do this to me?

I think I deserve some sort of explanation.

Okay. Uh, Gibby asked me out, and I said yes.

Oh, well, there you have it.

You know, I hear Charles Manson's a foprol.

Why don't I just give him your number?

Martin, I know that you have issues

with Gibby, and granted, he's a little ...

Repulsive?

I was going to say offbeat.

But that's what I like about him.

He's wild and fun and, uh, charming.

Charming? Charming?

Well, perhaps I misjudged him.

No, tell me, Drew. Tell me.

How does he charm you?

Well, uh, sometimes when we're out to dinner, he...

Well, he puts on these cute little skits with condiments.

Oh, how adorable.

Well, you can certainly build a relationship on that.

I am not trying to build a relationship.

For the first time in my life, I am free to have empty and meaningless sex.

And what's wrong with that?

God knows you've had your share.

That is completely different.

I... I didn't just Bury my husband.

For God's sake, Jude, have some respect for the dead.

Excuse me. You're the one who told me to start dating.

Oh, or if you're going to do everything I tell you, then dump Gibby.

In fact, I'll go get him. You can do it right now.

All right. This conversation is over.

Yeah, well, you're the one who wanted to talk about it, not me.

I'd like to hit somebody.

Great party. Have a little something right in there. Sorry.

Thank you.

Very nice dress.

Oh, look. It's Martin. Martin's here. Martin's here.

Oh, Martin.

I didn't think it'd come.

Jude, I... I'm sorry about the other day, you know.

I acted like an idiot.

Oh, just forget it. I'm really glad you're here.

Here you are.

Beautiful.

Buenos nachos, Marty.

Darling, I am thirsty.

You've used the most degenerate means to gain your ends.

I can't put a shot, Marty.

No, no, thank you. I'm watching my salt.

Yes.

My blood pressure.

You make me sick.

Excuse me?

Do I have to niche you a picture?

It's all over the office how Gibby's snaking my boss.

Playing him like a cheap suit.

I can't even hold my head up at the water cooler.

Look, whatever Judith does is her own business,

and if it doesn't bother me, then it shouldn't bother you.

Oh, really? It doesn't bother you to picture Gibby's fat, fleshy lips

pressed up against her neck,

or his hands wandering down her white as porcelain derriere.

There's something just boiling up inside of me.

Marty!

Well, you see, the gift that I got for Judy,

it's a ten-day anniversary, you know, kind of a personal record for me.

I went all out, too. It cost me an arm and a nipple.

Ten-day anniversary? What is that, gravel?

I feel so much closer to you now, now that

we've, well, fished from the same stream,

till the same soil, fuck, the same woman, you know, metaphorically speaking.

Look, Gibby, I don't appreciate that kind of talk.

Lambara! Judy, that's our song!

It's gotta be hard for you to watch.

I know if he was doing that with my ex, I would.

Well, I probably wouldn't do anything.

He is the boss, you know, but I would get really steep.

They are really going at me.

It's like they're on fire or something.

I'm just shut up now.

Martin, I'm working on my letter of resignation.

Would you call yourself more of a gutless slug or a spineless jellyfish?

Okay. Okay.

That's it.

Oh, no cutting in, Marty.

Martin, we can dance later.

No. Oh, you're dancing? I'm sorry.

For a minute there, I thought you were fucking.

No, no, no. If we were fucking, she'd be going like this.

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine. I've been taking a hit like that since I felt up my governess.

Come on!

Martin, kitchen.

Now... What the hell are you doing?

What are you mad at me for?

He's the one who was mauling you like some kind of a... a mauler.

Look, I don't care if he was... giving me

a pelvic exam on my dining room table.

You do not punch people out at my party.

It wasn't people. It was Gibby.

On his best day as the world's biggest asshole,

would you know if you were out of your fucking mind?

Oh, you have really crossed the line now, mister.

Okay, okay. Just answer me one thing, okay?

What is your problem?

I mean, you're smart, you're beautiful.

You could go out with... Me.

With anybody you like. Why Gibby? Why?

Why? Come on. Just tell me why.

Maybe because there's not you.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that maybe I slept with Gibby because I still love you.

Oh, really? Well, you have a very funny way of showing it.

You still love me?

No, no. That came out wrong.

I don't love you.

No, wait. That came out wrong too.

Of course I love you. I'm just not sure if I love you.

What'd you say?

Did you say something?

Thanks for clearing that up.

Martin, it would be the easiest thing in

the world for me to fall back in with you.

Well, easy can be very good. I mean, if that's what you want.

No, no. That's not what I want.

Obviously, we still have feelings for each other.

But we got divorced for a reason.

Lots of reasons, actually.

Your inability to communicate, your passive aggression,

your complete failure to ever be put... I've got it. I've got it.

Reasons.

And just because Richard's gone doesn't mean those reasons

have just poof! Disappeared.

No, but maybe they will, and maybe someday we'll get back together again.

Or maybe we won't.

Or maybe we will.

What do you say? Yes or no?

I'm just not prepared to make that kind of a commitment right now.

Or maybe you are.

Although I'm sensing that you aren't.

Um... Gibby.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Let's just pretend this ugliness never happened.

Till Monday morning.

Uh, Judy, be my little shadow.

I've got a surprise for you inside.

I'll be right in.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's nothing.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Judy... I just want you to be happy.

I'm going to be happy too.

Gather round. Gather round all.

As you know, I have a very special lady friend in my life.

And in honor of our ten days of endless bliss,

I have commissioned a highly overpriced

artist to capture her beauty for posterity.

Carter.

Careful there, Carter.

Judy, you're not going to keep going out with me, are you?

Well, I want to date a lot of different men.

You know what? I mean, right now it's Gibby,

but eventually the novelty will wear off.

So I present to you a painting I call "Judy

Has Seen Through the Eyes of Her Lover.".

I think the novelty has worn off.

Disgusting, isn't it?

Well, if it isn't the little white-ho... Have you had a last wish?

Yeah, it's a right to sit first before I die.

How's the young... Oh, Marty, a nose, an Armani suit. These are just things.

Fortunately, we can put a price on them.

Would you like to write me a check, or shall I just garnish your wages?

Either way, it's really up to you.

Okay. Wages, it is.

Now put it out of your mind, Marty.

Gibby Fisk may hold his bishop from time

to time, but he does not hold a grudge.

Well, thank you, Gibby. That's very big of you.

Ow!

Of course, that's not to say that some

Friday I'm not liable to come popping in here

five minutes before you leave on some expensive ski weekend

and ram so many manuscripts up your bung hole that your rectum becomes a

huge paper cut.

Catch you at the staff meeting.

You bet.

Derby.

What? What? What's the matter?

You have to read this right away.

I've never been so moved in my whole life.

Really? What is it?

The Richard Stone Memoirs, volumes 9 through 17.

The Judas Sonnets.

It all rhymes like a limerick.

Really?

My God, Martin, after a woman has been loved like this,

how could any other man ever have a chance?

Thank you. Toby, I'll get to it as soon as I can.

Go to rail.

She has my destiny.