Original subtitles

♪♪

Oh my god! Look! It's Gabi Diamond!

The best looking, best cooking chef in San Francisco!

What do you need?

Money? Kidney? Ride to the airport?

Alan's away, and I have Keisha for the weekend.

So I've got two days to show her I can be more fun than him.

Mmph, been 10 years and you still haven't won me over.

So, Gabi... since Keisha loves you,

can you come over tonight?

I'll even pay for your company.

Probably not the first time you've heard that.

I can't, because I'm going speed dating at the diner.

Because people aren't rejecting you fast enough?

Yolanda!

The best looking, best cleaning maid in San Francisco!

I'm busy, too. I'm going to someone's apartment

for some wine and some giggles.

Great, we'll see you at Sofia's at eight.

Pfft! It's not Sofia!

It's--

fine. Bring chips.

So... speed dating, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'm single. How come I wasn't invited?

Oh, ho...

I get it. Wouldn't be fair to all the other guys.

All the girls would pick me.

Smart... charming... cultured.

A millionaire.

Are you implying that I only get girls because I'm rich?

Oh, no! I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.

Yeah, you pick girls up in your fancy car,

and then you take them to fancy restaurants,

and then they want to get in your fancy pants.

It's your crutch.

Oh, yeah?

Well, your crutch is... being really hot.

(gasp)

Excuse me?

Also, thank you, but excuse me?

Oh, come on, Gabi, if you weren't using your blonde-ness,

your hotness, and your rockin' bod-ness,

you think you'd really get a date?

Yes! Because I have a great personality!

Yeah... well, so do I.

Okay, well, mine is better.

Wanna bet?

Hell, yeah, I wanna bet.

Okay, fine. Tonight, you go to your little speed dating thingy,

and you cover up the hair, the pair, and the derriere...

and let's see how many dates you get.

Fine. Only if you come, tell everybody you're poor, and see how many dates you get.

Not much of a challenge.

Okay, well, why don't you put your big, fat money

where your big fat mouth is, and if I get more dates than you,

you have to pay my rent for a month.

Deal! And if I get more dates than you, you have to actually

show up on time for work for a month.

Deal.

But for the record, what time does work actually start?

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

Um... excuse me, has a Gabi Diamond checked in already?

Someone call my name?

Wow! Gabi!

Sweet... tracksuit.

Hey, does that come with grandchildren that won't call you?

Oh, thanks. I got it at Forever Fifty.

How do you like me?

I'm gonna tell people I'm a tow truck driver.

No one will have any idea that I'm loaded.

Yeah, that $10,000 watch isn't gonna give it away.

Oh, and the wallet, please,

I can't have you flashing your Gucci to get some coochie.

(counter bell rings)

Here's how it works.

You have two minutes to impress each other

before you move on to your next date.

If you meet anyone you like, then you circle their number.

If they circle yours too,

you'll get an email from someone

who knows how to use email. Go!

(rings bell)

Hi! My name's Josh.

I'm a tow truck driver

with dreams as big as the open road.

Hi. Gabi Diamond, some say I'm a "diamond in the rough,"

but, you know, I prefer to think of myself--

Hey... buddy! Eyes down here!

(bell rings)

Some people live to work. I work to live.

Why? Because I'm poor.

You know, I'm just not really concerned

with things like "beauty"

or "fashion"... you know, what counts

is what's on the inside, am I right?

Wrong.

(bell rings)

Yeah, sure, I'm a tow truck driver,

but my real passion is... monetizing media and data base--

Cheating!

Our category is popular music.

Here we go.

This is my basic. He's a rapper, married to Amber Rose,

friends with Fetty Wap.

Are those people?

Yeah! Come on, he got into a fight with Waka Floka?

Is he a rapper or a muppet?

(timer buzzes) Oh no... time's up.

It was Wiz Khalifa, how can you not know who that is?

Please, the only Wiz he knows is the cheese kind.

Well, we lost the last round because you didn't know Barbra Streisand.

I never heard of that chick.

That chick?

What do they teach you in the foster care system?

I give up! We suck as a team. I wish Alan was here!

Oh my god! How could she not know Babs?

Great, I've just talked to the hostess,

and she's sending out the emails with the matches any minute now.

Wonder how many more I got than you did?

Please.

This tow truck driver jump-started a lot of hearts tonight.

Oh, hey, Mr. Fancy. Big success for the diner tonight.

I told you, ugmo. I'm not interested!

Mr. Fancy, it's Gab-- oh, forget it.

(phones ding)

(gasp) Ooh, the results are in!

Okay... I got... one match?

Oh... honey bunny.

I guess that doesn't compare to my-- one match?

Wait... we both only got one?

Neither one of us has won the bet yet.

Yes! That's right. Okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

First person who gets their match to agree to an actual date wins.

Deal. I'm gonna call my match right now. Make her night.

- It's ringing. - Oh, nice.

Well, I'm gonna call my match, too.

(phone rings) Oh, no need. It's ringing

from an unknown number right now.

Hello, this is Gabi.

Hey! Monica. It's Josh from speed dating.

Ohh! Hi, Matt from speed dating.

So I was just, uh, wondering if you're free Saturday night.

Oh, Saturday would be lovely.

Sounds great, it's a date. How does dinner sound?

Oh, dinner sounds perfect, but you know the real treat,

will be the conversation.

Both: See you Saturday!

Both: I got a date! I win! Dammit!

Okay. We're still tied. What do we do?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go on our dates as "plaid" and "plain,"

not using our crutches, just our adorable personalities,

and whoever gets a second date wins.

Love it.

You still here, ugmo?

Fine.

I'll throw you one if you turn out the lights and do all the work.

(heavy sigh)

(heavier sigh)

What's wrong? Did you finally buy a scale?

No! It's Keisha. Nothing's working.

After that horrible game night,

I got her tickets to Yo Gabba Gabba.

I thought it was a rapper.

Elliot, you're trying too hard. Just do normal father-daughter stuff.

Just take her to the park and go play softball.

My days of playing with balls in the park were over when I met Alan.

I'll tell you what to do. Now, the way to a black girl's heart is through her hair.

My mom would do my hair every morning, we'd drink tea,

and I'd tell her all my problems.

Perfect! Your mom can do Keisha's hair!

Not her, fool, you! You're the one who wants to bond with Keisha.

Right.

I'll teach you how to do it.

But we need real hair to practice on,

and you're still making payments on yours.

Hey, what's the WiFi password?

Gabi forgot to pay the Internet bill again,

and I have to finish my boss' traffic school,

or I'll have to pick her up from work every... single... morning.

What? What are you doing? Why are you stroking me?

Sofia, can Elliot do your hair, drink tea, and you can tell him all your problems?

No!

I'll pay your Internet bill.

Stroke away.

Ooh, someone's all spiffed up for their date.

Yep. It's gonna be me... Monica... and a modest game of baseball.

Aw.

In the luxury box behind home plate?

It's not directly behind home plate!

Know what? It's fine, if you can't hack it,

I will take that rent check now.

Oh, I can hack it.

But what about you? Where's your wig and that... hideous tracksuit?

Oh, it's in... my-- okay, fine!

Obviously, neither one of us can be trusted,

we'll just have to go on our dates and watch each other.

Fine. We'll go to the same place.

All right, but it has to be cheap,

because you are not a millionaire.

And it has to have really good lighting,

so we can see you in all of your tracksuit glory.

- I'm gonna go freshen up, I'll be right back. - All right.

I'm gonna go pay the check.

- I am so winning this bet. - No, I'm winning it, he thinks I'm adorable,

despite looking like Edna from The Incredibles.

No, no, no... I'm getting the second date.

- No, I'm getting the second date! - You don't--

- You're not gonna win that bet! - Do you two know each other?

Both: Uhhhhhh...

- What's going on? - I think our dates are hitting on each other.

- No. - No... we're not.

We... know each other.

Yes, that's right. We're both from... Omaha.

And we met there when we...

Were made into brother and sister.

But why are you both here on a date?

Big bro's really protective, and you know, you and I just met,

so... he was just kinda lookin' out for me.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Yep... that's me.

Sweet, protective, bordering on broke, older brother.

Oh my god, now I see the family resemblance.

You're kidding.

Listen, Matt, you've already met my family,

and we haven't even had a second date yet,

we should have one of those.

Yeah, we should have one of those first, what do you think?

Uh... well, uh, who's to say the first date's over?

Yeah, good point.

Perhaps we should continue this at your place?

My place? Um, I'm not sure if that's allowed?

No, I-i-it's not, because it's not your place, it's our place.

It's our little one-bedroom apartment in the Mission,

where we both live, and can continue to watch each other.

Yeah, we share an apartment. Like we shared a womb.

Yes, we're womb-mates.

So... which one of you sleeps in the bedroom?

Both: Oh, I do.

- Not at the same time. - 'Cause we're brother and sister.

Hi.

Who's this?

Oh, uh... this is our... third roommate.

Yeah, it's... been a slow year for tow truckin'.

Tow trucking?

Okay, Matt, Monica, why don't you guys, uh, check out the fire escape,

see if the... pizza delivery guy's out there.

When did we order pizza?

Oh, you know, Matt, that is a great idea,

why don't you order some pizza while you're out there?

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Okay, Josh and I are brother and sister,

and this is my natural hair. Go with it.

What?

We made a bet, he wanted to prove he could still get dates

if he didn't tell them he was rich.

And she wanted to prove she can still get dates

without letting guys know she had big boobs.

Okay, so you two are using these two innocent people to win a bet?

- Kinda. - Yes!

Who are you?

Sofia, it's me, it's Gabi.

Yeah, I know who you are! Okay, I just think you're-- you're acting horribly,

and trust me, if anyone knows about people treating other people horribly,

it's me!

(gasp)

Now, I'm going to go to Martina's salon, and when I get back,

these two better be gone.

Okay, maybe she's right, we shouldn't be toying with these people.

Yeah, they seem nice. We're playing with their heads.

- Let's tell them the truth. - Okay.

Hey! Monica. Matt.

- We did half cheese, half pepperoni. - Okay.

Don't worry, my treat.

Um, so guys, we actually, uh, we have something that we need to tell you.

Josh, you first.

Me?

Fine!

Um, but before I do, um, there's something I'd like to know.

Um... if I asked you on a second date, would you say yes?

Totally.

What if you found out I was rich?

What?

I'm sorry. Um... I have a hundred million dollars.

From tow trucking?

No... more from being a tech mogul.

Oh my god... you know, for the last five years,

I have been in therapy working through my trust issues with men.

And now I finally meet someone who seems honest and sweet

and kind, and he turns out to be another liar!

(crying)

Okay, so no second date, then?

Oh my god, no!

Your turn, sis.

Matt, I have uh... something I gotta tell you,

but before I do, were you, uh... gonna ask me out again?

- Definitely. - Oh.

Well, what if I told you I look like this?

Wow. Uh, I can't believe it.

Are you mad?

Are you kidding, can the second date start now?

Ooh! It sure can.

In your face, Josh. I win! I win!

Oh, and can you pay the rent on your way out,

'cause it's already late, thanks, buh-bye!

So, date's over already?

Did ya hit it and quit it?

No... she walked out on me.

Look on the bright side, at least you weren't dating a criminal,

like that dumpy chick in the tracksuit.

What? What are you talking about?

How do you know he's a criminal?

He filled out a job application earlier, and he checked "felon."

Next to it he put, "not a murderer."

Oh my god, Gabi's with him right now.

That ugmo was Gabi?

Boy, she's let herself go.

Gabi? Gabi!

(Gabi's muffled voice)

I didn't win.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

I can't believe it.

Matt didn't wanna date me, he wanted to rob me!

Hey, I mean... he didn't take anything.

Well, nothing of mine.

What do you mean?

Do you remember how you... put your wallet in my purse?

Yeah?

He found it.

Ahh!

It's okay. You know what, everything in there can be replaced.

What's important is that you're safe.

Uh-huh, do you remember how

you put your really fancy watch in my purse?

You mean my... grandfather's irreplaceable Rolex?

Unless you have two!

Nope, just the one, just the irreplaceable one.

- Are you mad? - No.

Are you just saying that because I'm really vulnerable right now

because I was tied up by a criminal?

No.

Josh, if you're mad, I can take it, you can tell me.

- I'm mad! - (gasp) How dare you! I could've been really hurt!

That's... the point, Gabi, you could've been really hurt.

Then why are you yelling at me?

Because none of this would've happened

if you didn't make me make that stupid bet!

Oh, please, you couldn't wait to prove

that I have no personality!

You started this whole thing when you said I only get girls because of my money.

Yeah, well, that's because you were being so cocky and arrogant,

I didn't really feel like telling you how smart and sexy

and incredible you are!

Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something.

You've got a great personality!

(gasp)

And you're sweet, and funny, and charming--

you're the whole damn package!

Yeah, well... so are you, any girl would kill to be with you!

Any guy would kill to be with you!

Oh, Elliot... I got your 9-1-1 text. What's the emergency?

I was afraid... that were stuck in somethin'...

or somethin' was stuck in you.

Not this time.

This is all her fault.

She tried to show me how to do your hair...

but obviously she's a terrible teacher!

It's not my fault I got the one gay guy

who doesn't know how to do hair!

Why would you wanna learn how to do my hair?

You and Alan are getting so close,

but you and I still haven't found our thing.

So I thought this could be our thing.

But obviously I was wrong.

Sorry.

So, you did... this, 'cause you wanted to spend more time together?

Yeah, I guess.

(sighs) You know... you're a weird dude,

but at the same time, I guess you're okay.

Really?

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Ohhh, it warms my heart.

I know how to fix this!

A makeover.

I'll call a spa, get us a hair appointment, manicures...

Wait! You think you can throw around a lot of money

to buy my love?

I'm in!

What was that?

That... was sex.

Really good sex.

Amazing sex.

Oh my god, how many times

did we think this was gonna happen,

and it didn't happen, but now... it did happen.

How did it happen?

How did it happen?

I have no idea.

But it can never happen again!

Absolutely... never!

Why?

Because we're horrible together.

- But I thought you just said that-- - No, no, no, no.

Not the sex part... the relationship part.

We suck at that part.

This is true.

So we have to forget this ever happened, okay?

And we can't tell anybody, because if somebody else knows,

it keeps it alive...

and we have to kill it! Now!

Agreed.

But it was really good sex.

Amazing sex.

Josh? I just wanted to say I'm really--

Oh, gross!

You're having sex with your sister?

Is that what they do in Omaha?

I can't believe I came back here to ask you out again.

Oh, you're disgusting!

(door slams)

I can't believe this. I got a second date!

Which means, I'll see you, bright and early tomorrow.

- I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win! - Dammit!

I just have to say you're glowing

after that salt scrub.

And you look like you lost five pounds

- after that seaweed wrap. - Oh.

You know... today was more fun than anything

me and Alan have ever done.

- Thank you. - Aw, you're welcome.

But it is not a contest.

Alan and I love you the same.

Thank god it was recording.

Send to Alan.

I win.