Original subtitles

♪♪

Oh, my god.

Gabi, guess what I got from table six?

A hundred dollar tip.

Oh, you gotta give it back.

Mr. Schwartz is senile.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll give it back to him

as soon as he gets out of the ladies' room.

Gabi, thank you so much

for getting me this waitressing job.

With this and Soul Spin,

I finally make enough money to have to pay taxes.

Aww!

You're welcome. You know, I don't know why

they say friends shouldn't work together.

This week has been so much fun.

Right?

I think it's made us even closer.

Out! Get out!

- You're a deadbeat! - (door bell chimes)

Mr. Fancy, what happened to Gary?

(sighs) Let's just say all that green stuff

in his backpack, not oregano.

I fired him.

I'm gonna need a new manager.

Comes with more power, more responsibility,

and more pay.

Anyone interested?

Both: I am!

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

What are you doing?

Uh, what do you mean what am I doing?

I'm movin' on up. What are you doing?

I'm movin' on up.

You can't have that manager job. It's mine.

Is it? 'Cause, uh, how do I say this nicely?

Um, I'm so much more qualified than you.

Uh, how are you more qualified than me?

You've been here a week.

(chuckles)

Oh, you're serious.

Gabi, I managed my dad's store,

I went to college, I can do math.

I can do math.

- Eight plus fifteen-- - Yes, that's math!

Gabi, you're not a manager.

You're a cook.

Okay, first of all, "chef".

Second of all, one day, I'm going to have

my own restaurant where I'm going to be manager,

so I need to know manager-y stuff.

Okay, name three things a manager does.

Makes. More. Money.

Now, girls, uh,

I've made my decision.

Sofia, you're terrific.

Thank you, Mr. Fancy. It's such an honor to accept--

Yeah, I'm going with Gabi.

- What? - Yes!

But I'm experienced and educated

and have great work ethic.

But she has great cans.

You can't hire her for that.

Sorry, I forgot this was not 1970.

Okay, how about, uh, she's been here longer

and, uh, she's got seniority.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Fancy.

You made the right decision.

Good. You'll start right now.

I need supplies ordered

and I need the till to be balanced by closing.

And if you screw it up,

I'm giving it to Shakira here.

Don't you worry, Mr. Fancy.

That till will be balanced.

Do you even know what a till is?

No.

But I don't have to worry about that

"till" closing.

Yolanda,

I need help.

What do you want from the top shelf,

cookies or crackers?

Neither.

You know how Alan and I are applying to be foster parents?

I am so proud of you guys.

And if it's a boy, you can wear his hand-me-downs.

There was a question

about what we like to do outdoors,

and before I could answer, "Umbrella drinks,"

Alan wrote down camping.

- Alan camps? - I know.

Orange vest, camo combat boots.

We're gay, not lesbians.

But apparently, he used to go camping

with his temple, and now he wants me to go,

and I don't want to.

Why not?

Ooh, it's so much fun.

You're outside--

Pass.

- In the fresh air-- - Overrated.

Okay, Elliot, what's the deal?

All right, I'm afraid!

Of what?

Animals, bugs, white men with guns.

That last part I get.

So, you know what? Just be honest with Alan.

I can't.

He sees me as strong and rugged.

But you're doughy and weak.

Oh, come on.

Stop being a baby. Even I go camping.

Yolanda, you can teach me to camp.

Hm.

Might as well.

It's either that or clubbing.

Either way, I end up waking up outside.

(beep)

(flat beep)

Well, Ms. Manager,

this is the last receipt of the day.

I guess it's time for you to balance the till.

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

I was just waiting for this.

Yoink. Thank you.

Now I can get started. Good night.

Oh, actually, if you don't mind,

I was just gonna grab myself a fountain drink

and watch the master at work.

Great. Wonderful.

Love the company.

Okay, here is the money...

here are the receipts...

Same height.

Balanced.

Okay, so should I just take over as manager now

or when you get fired tomorrow?

(scoffs) Fired?

Girls with cans like these never get canned.

Now leave.

Fine, but don't come crying to me when you need help.

Oh, I won't. I don't need your help.

I don't need anyone's help.

(knock on door)

Josh, I need your help.

Okay, I think we got everything we need.

Are you ready, Student?

Ready, Teach'.

(chuckles)

You know, you wouldn't be the first teacher

I've had a drunken hookup with.

Okay, I-- I'm ready.

Great.

I thought we'd first start off with a basic lesson

in the macro versus the microeconomic principles

of a small business.

Gabi: (thinking) I can't believe Sofia thought

I couldn't handle this job.

Everyone knows part of being a good manager is

figuring out how to get other people to do

your work for you.

So, that's how buying in bulk helps you trim some of the fat,

which is an essential principle of...

Speaking of trimming the fat,

Josh sure got rid of those extra L-B's.

Those new jeans look extra good.

The monetary and the fiscal measures

used by John Maynard Keynes are exemplified, mm,

here in this pie chart.

Mmm, pie.

Ooh, maybe we should sell whole pies at the diner

and not just slices.

I'm gonna write that down.

All right, got it?

Got it.

Well, now that the foundation is laid,

I think you are ready to learn how to balance the till.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Actually, I'm more of a visual learner,

so I think that I would learn by watching you do it first.

Oh, uh, Gabi, before I leave,

I need to talk to you about the till.

Here we go.

Oh, uh, was there a problem?

Not a one.

You did a fantastic job

with the receipts and the inventory.

- It was perfect. - What?

Gabi, you've taught me something.

That a dingy broad can do a man's job.

- Good night. - Wait, wait, wait. Uh, Mr. Fancy,

actually, in addition to doing such a great job,

I also found a way for us to save money.

- Oh. - What?

Mm-hmm. See, uh, I noticed how much bacon we use,

so I ordered 250 pounds of it in bulk

because it's 20% cheaper.

Wow, that's great!

I love a cheap woman.

Well, I hope you bought toilet paper in bulk,

- 'cause you're full of it. - Oh, please.

Well, at least I didn't get the job because of my breasts.

Yeah. You'd be under-qualified.

I have an order for Gabi Diamond.

- Yeah, that's me. - Sign here and it's all yours.

(grunts)

What the hell is this?

The farm fresh pork you ordered.

No, no. Too fresh. Too fresh!

I didn't order an entire freaking pig.

I ordered...

(whispers) bacon.

Not according to this invoice.

- Bye now. - No, no, no. No, no, no.

You gotta-- you gotta take it back.

You gotta go put it back on the truck.

Sorry. Call the number on the invoice.

Somebody will pick it up tomorrow.

No, no! But nobody can know what I did!

Don't worry, I won't tell your manager.

I am the manager.

- Seriously? - I know.

I was just trying to save 20%!

Math always gets me in trouble.

You know what, Yolanda?

Being in the great outdoors isn't scary at all.

What did I tell ya?

(brook running)

Is it time for marshmallows?

Oh, you know it!

This is just like being in the real forest.

Moonlight,

babbling brook, (brook running)

Bigfoot. (laughs)

Josh? I need your help again.

(grunts)

He'll totally help us.

You know, we used to date, but now we're friends.

It's kind of a long story.

Okay, he's not home or he's sleeping.

Too bad I still don't work here and have a key.

- (grunts) - You're right,

it was a good idea to keep it.

(grunts)

Okay.

Now I just have to figure out where to put you.

I think that you're gonna be the most comfortable--

oh, well, wherever it is you're going.

(whispers) Josh!

(grunts)

Oh, good, you're awake.

Listen, I have a little favor to ask you.

Um, do you remember when you asked me

to order in bulk for the restaurant?

Well, I did, and there was a little mix up,

and now I have a pig.

(grunts)

Hey! Let me tell it.

See, I can't take it to my apartment

because I can't let Sofia know what I did,

so I gotta leave it here overnight.

But I promise I'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.

Is that okay?

- Mm! - Oh, thank you!

See? Told you he was nice.

(grunts)

Okay, so I've got fruit

and water and corn on the cob

and my old quilt.

See?

Listen, I'm really sorry I gotta leave you alone,

but if Sofia finds out, she'll huff and she'll puff

and, well, you know the rest.

(grunts)

(pig snorting)

Yolanda, get back in the tent.

(snorting continues)

(whispers) Yolanda!

- (louder) Yolanda! - Mm?

I think I hear something!

Yes, a damn fool waking me up in the middle of the night!

Seriously!

I think there's something out there.

It's just the sleep machine.

(pig grunts)

Does that sound like Caribbean Breeze to you?

- (click) - It's off.

Listen.

See? I told you. Now go back to sleep.

(pig shrieks)

- Oh, my damn! - What the hell is that?

(grunts)

It's a chupacabra!

Aah! We're gonna die, we're gonna die!

I'm sorry for every bad thing I've ever said to you.

- I love you. - (sobbing)

I love you too!

(grunts)

(both scream)

Get him! Get him! Let me live! Get him!

(cell phone rings)

Josh? Why is he calling at--

Uh-oh.

Hey, Josh.

What's up?

Why is there a pig on my terrace?

Uh...

because you said I could put him there.

What? Wait, when did I say that?

Tonight.

I went to your office

when you were sleeping, and I asked you, and you said yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

A "yes" when I'm asleep does not count.

It doesn't?

Okay, you just gotta let him stay there overnight. Okay?

And then tomorrow, you gotta drop him off at the diner.

If Sofia finds out what I did,

- (footsteps) - she's gonna walk in right now.

Gabi, who the hell

is calling you at 3:00 in the morning?

Um...

No, Mr. Fancy, I do not want

a one-way ticket to Fancy Town!

Good night!

Ugh, what a pig.

You have no idea.

Hi, this is Gabi from Fancy's Diner.

I'm just calling to check to see

if the pig picker-upper is on his way

to pick up the pig?

Pardon?

Perfect.

Josh: Oh, Gabi!

Josh! Hey! Thanks for bringing the pig here.

Um, listen, again, I'm really, really sorry.

Yeah, save it for Yolanda and Elliot.

You scared the crap out of 'em.

Which reminds me,

you have to have their tent professionally cleaned.

Oh. My. God.

Sofia, what are you doing here?

I switched you to the night shift.

Well, that is exactly why I'm here.

I knew something was up.

You changing my shift, balancing the till,

being smart.

I balanced the till!

Of course! He's been helping you!

Well, not anymore. I'm out of here.

Bye!

Okay, I just can't figure out why the pig is here.

Oh, well, I guess you're just not as smart as--

The bulk order. (laughs)

You tried to save money ordering bacon,

and you ordered a pig.

Are you finally ready to admit that I should be manager?

Mr. Fancy: Good morning, everybody!

Fine. You're the manager.

What? No, you gotta get this pig out of here.

No, no, you gotta get this pig out of here.

- You're the manager. - You have to help me

because if he comes back here and sees the three of us,

- we're going to get fired. - Okay, fine.

(growls)

- Why is it lying down? - (pig grunts)

Why is there a little hoof coming out of its--

Oh, my god, it's pregnant!

- (pig grunts) - It's giving birth right now!

(shrieks)

- Aww! - Ew!

Well, what are we gonna do?

I don't know how to deliver a piglet.

Yeah, neither do I.

But I do know how to distract Mr. Fancy.

Good morning, Mr. Fancy.

Can I cook you a little breakfast? You look hungry.

Thank you.

You keep this up,

you'll find yourself a sugar daddy in no time.

Let's have those eggs, okay?

With extra bacon.

Can it be veggie bacon?

(pig shrieks)

The first two piglets came out fine,

but the first one's stuck and the mom is in pain.

Sofia...

I think we need to call an adult.

We got one.

What the hell is a pig doing in my diner?

Um, it's having babies.

And something's wrong!

Are there any doctors in the house?

Who know how to deliver a pig?

Oh!

I grew up on a farm in Iowa!

We had a few acres.

Chickens, pigs--

I don't want to hear your whole life story, okay?

- Just get in there. - Sure.

- Okay? - Okay.

Nice keister.

This pig is in breach!

Yeah, and she's pregnant.

Whoa, what's going on here?

Uh, the pig you delivered is delivering.

How could you send us a pregnant pig?

Sorry about that. We just hired a new manager.

- Say no more. - Well, that explains it.

Girls, this age-appropriate woman has it covered.

So, uh, send the customers home

and close the diner.

Okay, great. When do you want us to come back?

How's never?

I don't want to see you again.

Unless it's on Snapchat.

(pig shrieks)

Out you go.

(shrieks)

Can't believe Mr. Fancy fired us.

Really?

Violated sanitation laws,

brought a live animal to a restaurant,

freaked out the customers, and ruined the kitchen.

Yeah, we really screwed up.

We?

Okay, fine. You.

None of this would have happened

if you hadn't made me feel so stupid.

How did I make you feel stupid?

Oh, please. Like you don't know.

As soon as I got that manager job,

you started acting all smartypants with me.

No, I didn't!

I just said that I'm more experienced

and went to college and you can't do basic math--

Oh, there it is.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You don't have to apologize for being smarter than me.

Oh, I'm not smarter than you.

I mean, maybe in, like, math

and English, and... school stuff,

but that's just because I'm book-smart

- And you're-- - Cook-smart?

Yeah, I like that.

People can't eat books.

Exactly, and you are an expert at cooking.

I'm not an expert at anything.

(chuckles) That's true.

Oh, I guess we're both losers.

I will drink to that.

- Gabi, it's 11:00 AM. - Yeah. Who cares? We don't have jobs.

Hey, I just thought of a way to get our jobs back.

- How? - We sue Mr. Fancy for sexual harassment.

Do you have any proof?

No. Do you?

- No. - (knock on door)

(gasps)

Mr. Fancy! Um, I'm gonna grab my phone,

but not to record anything inappropriate you might say.

Hold it right there, sweet cheeks.

- Dammit! - Girls...

you have your jobs back.

(gasps) Really?

What do we have to do?

Nothing.

After you left, I kind of hit it off with Arlene,

the woman who delivered the piglet.

First broad I've liked since Mrs. Fancy passed.

Ohh.

And you're, uh, hiring us back

because if I hadn't brought a live animal to the diner,

you never would have met her?

No, I don't have time to hire a new waitress or a manager.

Arlene and I are going to Acapulco.

Oh, that's nice. For how long?

Uh, till I run out of my blue pills.

- Ew. - Romantic.

So, will you be going back to work tomorrow?

Um, yes, but actually,

Mr. Fancy, um, Sofia should really be the manager.

She's book-smart and I'm cook-smart.

"Cook-smart"?

What the hell is that?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

Shakira, you're the new manager.

And I'll go back to being fry cook.

Uh, no can do.

I just hired a new one last night.

Wait, but now I don't have a job.

Well, I'd fire her, but, uh,

she recorded some stuff I said,

and I don't want any trouble.

But she doesn't work on weekends.

Oh, okay, I'll take it.

Absolutely great. Adios, girls!

Gabi, you can't pay rent working part-time.

- What are you gonna do? - (knock on door)

Josh, I need your help again...

again.

I brought you extra marshmallows

- for your cocoa. - Oh, good.

I brought extra cocoa.

I really appreciate you doing this with me again, Yolanda.

Oh, no problem, baby.

All you have to do is get through one whole night

with nothing bad happening,

and you'll be camping with Alan in no time.

To never being scared again.

(screams)

- Hey, guys. - Aah! Chupacabra!

No, it-- it's me. It's Gabi.

I know.

Anyway, great news.

I'm coming back to work for Josh.

(screams)

(sobs)

I hate camping!