Original subtitles

( screaming and howling )

Y'all look out, 'cause here comes Honey Boob-boob,

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

You know, not a day goes by

when somebody don't ask me, Elvira, are those real?

And I say, of course they're real.

The only thing about me that's fake

is my sincerity, and I mean that sincerely.

Hey, did you ever, like, walk into a room

and go, what the heck did I come in here for?

That's how I feel every single day when I wake up--

if I wake up-- 'cause a whole lot of times,

I don't wanna wake up and find myself

in some stranger's apartment with a cat sleeping on my head.

If you forget it, you'll never regret it.

That's what I always say.

So I try to keep my mind as blank as possible,

because, you know, they say that thinking causes wrinkles.

so I prefer to remain brain dead and pretty.

Oh, no. Let's see. Wait.

What did I come in here for?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

I'm your hostess of horror,

your guide to the ghoulish,

and the emcee of evil.

I have a weird one for you.

It's a science friction movie called "Trancers."

You know, I was a contestant on Trancing With the Stars,

only I was disqualified for sleeping with the judges,

which is how I got the show in the first place.

Oh, God, I mean, who do you not have to blow

to get a job in this town?

Anyway, this movie takes place 300 years in the future

and way back in 1985,

which was when I was just...

5.

I'll be busting in every now and then

to keep you company,

and I'll be back to talk to you after the movie.

So let's get back to the future, shall we?

Yes, we shall.

Here's "Trancers."

Last January, I finally singed Martin Whistler

out in one of the rim planets.

Since then, I've been hunting down

the last of his murdering cult.

We call them trancers,

slaves to Whistler's psychic power,

not really alive, not dead enough.

It's July now and I'm tired.

Real tired.

Yeah, chop steak, medium.

Do you fry your pods?

Sure do, honey.

Then give me a side of pods

and a large Coke. No ice.

And what will you have, mister?

Coffee.

The real stuff?

That's gonna cost you.

I deserve it. Find me some milk.

I don't want any of that soy crap.

Coming up.

Evening, citizen.

Jack Deth. Angel City PD.

May I see your stats?

What did I do?

Under Section 7 of the penal code,

the Council authorized me

to administer you a trancer suspect examination.

You can't give me a TSE without a warrant.

I got your warrant right here, pal.

Okay, okay, okay.

I don't want any trouble.

Hold out your left arm.

I got nothing to hide.

Negative.

Look out!

You can't shoot that old lady.

She's a trancer, God dammit! Help me!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

( growls )

Tonight's special is blackened black people.

This restaurant got an F- in food rating.

Where's Gordon Ramsey when you need him?

Not so fast.

I'm not in the mood, McNulty.

And I'm not in the mood for troopers who dodge their assignments.

Solo pad duty's for squids. I ain't got the time.

Trancer checks are out of bounds and you know it.

The department's had a belly full of your one man crusade, Jack.

Whistler may be dead, but someone's got to mop up the strays.

I singed one just now. The scorch is inside.

Jack?

Jack, it's straight from the Captain.

You'll take your assignments or you'll take a hike.

He was a good cop

till a trancer killed his wife.

Come on. Let's hit the clouds.

Figured I'd find you out here.

You see the guardsmen,

on your feet, trooper.

Ex-trooper.

I stand for no one, McNulty.

What's this?

A summons from the Council.

Jack, you can't ignore the summons.

It's the highest honor there is.

You know, Lieutenant, I think I found

the old Chinese Theater out there.

I'm gonna go back in the water

before the storm blows in.

Dammit, Jack, the Council needs you.

Fuck 'em.

Jack.

Whistler's alive!

I'm not cleared to go any further.

Behave yourself in there.

Don't get pimpy with me, McNulty.

You forget something, smart guy?

Trooper Deth, welcome.

I'm Margaret Ashe.

The gentleman beside me is Chairman Spencer.

Trooper.

I thought there were three of you.

Van Zandt was murdered four days ago

by Martin Whistler.

Then it's true. Whistler's alive.

Very much so,

and he intends to kill both of us.

How could he get to you?

This place is a fortress.

It might as well be made of paper.

I don't follow.

Where's Whistler now?

In Los Angeles.

No problem. We get the submarine fleet,

blow him out of the water.

Whistler is not in the sunken ruins.

He's fled to the thriving metropolis

as it existed nearly 300 years ago.

How could you be sure Whistler's gone down the line?

( beeping )

Help me, Obi-wan. You're my only hope.

As you may have gathered,

I have survived the pathetic trap

set by Trooper Deth on Mecon 7.

For 12 long years

you have hunted my disciples like dogs.

Now my day of vengeance is at hand.

I've synthesized your entire world,

and in a moment shall retreat

down the dark corridors of history.

Know that it is I who am solely responsible

for your demise.

One by one, your ancestors shall be murdered,

and you, their progeny, shall cease to exist.

Then shall I return, join my legion,

and claim the seat of power for my own.

Adieu.

Adieu.

I was with Van Zandt when it happened.

The man simply vaporized,

as did his poor children and grandchildren.

How do you know Whistler's location?

We monitored a line disruption in Los Angeles

December 1985.

Van Zandt, Ashe and I all had ancestors in the city then.

As did Whistler, and yourself, of course.

Me?

Yes. Philip Deth, a journalist.

You'll be transferred to his body,

allowing you to search for Whistler.

There were millions of people in LA.

We've traced Whistler's ancestral line.

He's using the body of a man named Weisling.

There is a minor complication.

Weisling is a police detective.

You call that minor?

Trooper Deth, this is Engineer Raines.

Engineer, huh? When did you get promoted, Ruthy?

Ages ago.

Raines will administer the transport serum.

You'll be in charge of my bones when I'm gone?

Don't worry, Jack. I don't hold a grudge.

We'll preserve your body on a suspension table like this one.

Whistler.

It's just a shell, really.

His consciousness is in 1985.

Right, but how did you get hold of the body?

Our security officers found it hidden in the desert.

We're keeping it for the trial.

Trial? You don't want Whistler singed?

No, no. You're to capture Whistler

and inject him with the serum antidote.

His mind will return to Angel City

and he'll stand before the high court.

If you think I'm bringing that scum up the line,

you got the wrong Trooper.

Unless you stop Whistler,

everything the Council has accomplished in the last 40 years

will count for nothing.

We'll be plunged into the same chaos

which followed the great quake.

You're our only hope.

Then it's on my terms.

My God! What have you done?

You haven't change a bit.

Don't worry. Justice will be served.

You were wrong to insist on a Trooper.

We have no choice.

Such conspicuous displays of firearms

will not be tolerated.

Raines.

This is a .38 police special,

a traditional firearm of the era.

Yeah, I got one of these in my collection,

but mine's all rusted out.

Careful. That grip has been modified.

Two injectors of antidote,

one for you, one for Whistler.

I've got an old watch.

Not like this one.

If you depress this knob,

you'll gain a long second.

A what?

One second stretched to 10

for the person holding the device.

Now, while you will have complete freedom of movement,

the rest of the world will appear to have stopped.

Could have used that on our last date.

Let's give it a try.

No. It has a single use generator.

When the long second runs down,

the watch will dissolve, so don't waste it.

Engineer, prepare the injection.

This is my ancestor.

His name and location are written on the back.

Protect him. Please.

How about your ancestor?

Hap Ashby. 1963.

Just what the hell is this?

I'm afraid that's the best I can do.

All I know is he was in Los Angeles in 1985.

That's swell.

Excuse me.

You'll just feel a little pressure.

Aah!

Phil, are you okay in there?

Yeah.

Everything's fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Fine.

It's after 8:30. I'm gonna be late for work.

We're gonna have to hurry, don't you think?

Yeah, right.

( crash )

You're a real slob, Phil.

What?

I said the closet's really filled.

Did you mean what you said last night?

Yeah, sure.

What did I say last night?

Phil, come on. You said that making love to me

was like the ethereal union of two lost souls.

I bet it was.

What?

I mean, lost souls. Yeah.

I can't wait till Christmas is over

so I can dump this stupid outfit.

This guy's a real shark.

We better hurry, don't you think?

Hey, wait a minute.

Do you now where... "Cahoonja" Boulevard is?

Ca-what?

C-a-h-u--

Cahuenga.

It's 10 minutes from here.

Come on. Quit screwing around.

You promised you'd get me to work on time.

Yeah.

Just let me get a coat.

You're wearing that?

Yeah.

I like it.

Phil, if I'm late for work, I'm gonna lose my job.

( buzz )

What are you doing?

Dry hair's for squids.

Let's get out of here.

You seemed like kind of an okay guy last night.

( tires screech )

Hey, they're driving the macabre mobile

before I had it customized.

- I love this car. - I guess so.

- Thank you. - Hey, wait a minute.

Am I going to see you tonight?

What? Look, I gotta get to work, okay?

What did I do wrong?

I don't know. Maybe you're schizo or something.

What does that mean?

Last night you said you grew up in LA.

Today, you couldn't find Cahuenga Boulevard.

You put that shit in your hair.

You can't even remember my name.

Leena, come here. The kids are waiting.

Your name is Leena.

Did I give you my phone number?

No.

Oh, thank God.

Where have you been?

All these people want pictures.

Santa will see you now, young man.

Hi. Can I sit you up a little bit higher?

How come you got blue hair?

Because it's so cold on the North Pole.

( laughs )

And what would you like Santa to bring you

for Christmas this year?

Mr Potatohead, Hungry Hungry Hippos,

John Doe the Mandroid--

Please, I need to talk to you.

Not now, okay?

Listen, I'm not crazy. I need your help.

A transformer decepticon,

and John Doe the Mandroid, and a new slot car,

because my stupid sister busted my old one.

Hey, Santa, are you listening?

( growls )

What's wrong with Murray?

He's a trancer.

A what?

( shouting )

( screaming )

Look out! Santa's got a candy cane!

Phil, my God, what are you doing?

One of your friends?

Security, we got trouble at the North Pole.

Okay, copy that.

( growling )

Hold it. I said hold it!

Aah!

Don't shoot!

Hey, mom, he shot Santa Claus.

And they made Rudolph into reindeer jerky.

Welcome to the 20th century, Jack Deth.

- Come on. - No way!

Move!

Hey! Don't piss me off.

Medics?

Get this thing out of here now.

Ma'am? If you feel up to it,

I need to ask you some questions.

I'm Detective Weisling.

Somewhere in all this city

I have two ancestors I've got to protect.

Okay, let's say I believe this shit.

You're a cop from the future

and you're chasing this guy Piper.

Whistler.

Why doesn't he just turn you into one of these zombies?

- Or me? - You're too tough.

Tough?

Trancing only works on squids,

people with weak minds, easily controlled.

Leena, I won't get anywhere without a guide.

Are you crazy? You killed Murray.

Has Murray ever turned yellow

and gone after someone like he went for me? Huh?

No, of course not.

I don't have the time.

At least get me to Cahuenga Boulevard.

How about if I get you a map?

A map isn't good enough.

I'm from another time, another world.

I don't even know what you people eat for lunch.

Okay. Where on Cahuenga?

So you'll help me?

- Yes. - That's swell.

I don't want to see that gun of yours in my face again.

Yeah, sure. Anything you say.

That address was 14-something.

Where the hell is that photo?

Thank you, ma'am. If we have any further questions,

we'll call you in the morning.

Merry Christmas.

- Excuse me, Lieutenant. - Yeah?

I found this lying over there.

It's got an address on the back.

Is this it?

Yeah, just maybe.

Look, you're not my prisoner.

You don't have to stick around,

but I'd appreciate you waiting for me.

Relax, Phil.

Jack. Phil stepped out.

You Chris Lavery?

Yeah, in person.

Nice tan.

It's very Christmassy.

Yeah, well, thanks.

So what'll it be, the tube tan and 10

or the tropic tan and 20?

Huh?

You look a little pale. You better go for the 20.

Save the hard sell, pal. I'm a cop.

Hey, look, if this is about the guy last week,

hey, he screwed with the thermo.

Anyway, it was just first degree burns.

That's not why I'm here. I gotta be blunt.

Someone's going to try and kill you.

( laughs ) Come on.

And he'll succeed if you don't fall under my protection.

You're serious.

Yeah.

Come on. We'll talk in my office.

( groans )

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

( gasps )

Today's special is blackened white guy.

Jack?

Jack?

Oh, my God.

Don't be dead.

Jack?

- How's my tan? - Are you okay?

I guess.

There was this dead muscle guy up there, but--

Chris Lavery. He was tranced.

Yeah, but this red light came and he disappeared.

Whistler knows we're here.

I gotta get the hell out of here.

Police!

So we caught the Santa Claus killer

and his accomplice.

Whistler.

None other.

Farewell, Jack Deth.

Fire.

( echoing ) Fire.

( speaking very slowly ) I'm very slow.

Hey, what--

Why aren't we dead?

How did he do that?

How do you think?

I don't think anyone's after us.

Yeah, well, they will be.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, sure.

When you used that time freezer thing,

why didn't you get Whistler right then?

I only had a few seconds.

If I had singed him, I couldn't have saved you.

Oh.

What is it?

Well, when you went into that tanning place, I took off.

I was scared. Your story was so weird.

( laughs ) I wouldn't have believed me.

But all that stuff you said about Murray made sense, so I came back.

You ever heard of this guy?

'63 Angels? No. I wasn't even born then.

Yeah, well, we got to find him before Whistler does.

Leena, we need a place to hole up.

Oh, I know.

A friend mine went out of town for Christmas.

No one will look for us at her place.

- Which way? - Head east. Chinatown.

Aah!

Aah!

He was absolutely after her.

- No, ma'am. - He was.

He stole my Lily.

Hey, what are you watching?

Some cop show.

Ugh.

Well, it ain't bad.

What the hell kind of name is Duke Dunn?

What kind of name is Jack Deth?

Okay, I've got fried rice, egg rolls,

and beef chow mein.

Beef? You mean like from a cow?

Yeah.

Wow.

And I got the radio you wanted and it's got that police band

and all that other junk.

And it's got an earphone so I don't listen to it.

I charged dinner. I hope that's okay.

Yeah. Phil won't mind. We'll call it my inheritance.

What are these?

Oh, they're fortune cookies.

Little messages inside.

I'll read yours.

Mine says you'll be going to a pot club.

Oh, my God, it's from Whistler.

Read it.

I'll kill you and your bitchin' girlfriend.

Dammit. How did he find out?

My bitchin' girlfriend?

I'm sorry.

So I guess you think that's pretty funny, right?

( music plays )

What the hell is that?

It's music from the club downstairs.

When does that cease?

About 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.

- Oh, God. - Let's go and have some fun.

No. I don't think so.

Come on. You said you wanted to get to know LA.

I have to monitor the police band

and keep tabs on Whistler, okay?

Take it with you.

Andy's got some seriously ugly clothes in here.

Leena, you better lose the blue streak.

You're too easy to identify.

Forget it.

I gave up the T-Bird.

Okay, Mr. Detective.

( rock music plays )

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh, hey *

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* Dashing through the snow

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* O'er the fields we go

* Laughing all the way

* Bells on bob tail ring

I see why they call them punks.

Come on, let's dance.

Are you kidding? It's looks like a room full of trancers.

Come on.

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh, hey *

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh, hey *

* Dashing through the snow

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* O'er the fields we go

* Laughing all the way

* Bells on bob tail ring

So how am I doing?

Not bad for a squid.

* A sleighing song

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

Leena.

How come you don't call me anymore?

Jerry, I asked you to leave me alone, okay?

Well, you still got some of my tapes, man.

I'll drop 'em off at your mom's.

Beat it, Hiawatha. This is my dance.

( laughs ) Who's the old fuck?

Look at that.

He's even got a hearing aid.

Hey, why don't you buy me a drink?

Shove off, pal,

or I'm going to sweep the floor with your head.

( spits )

Now I'm pissed.

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh *

Jack?

Leena.

Merry Christmas.

Today?

It's after midnight, December 25th.

I didn't know. It's July in Angel City.

Well, open it.

Ta-da. Do you like it?

Yeah.

Wait. Put it down.

( laughs )

What is this?

Future man. Just like you.

Thank you. That's, uh... that's real nice.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Jack?

Where's Phil?

His brain's on hold. Why?

Because I like you a lot better.

( pounding on door )

Open up, Jack. Quit stalling.

What is this?

It's me, McNulty.

McNulty?

And none of your lip.

This kid's the only ancestor I could find.

It's been hell.

I had to sneak past the parents and everything.

Say, who's the skirt?

Nice.

Tone it down, will you, McNulty?

Listen, Jack, you got to come back to Angel City.

Spencer disappeared like a floater trail

and Ashe has gone to pieces.

She wants to talk to you.

Tell her I'm doing my job, okay?

I got my orders, Jack.

Listen to me, McNulty, I'm real busy right now.

Hit the bricks. Move it.

Run along before I give you a spanking. Do you understand?

Put me down! I'll bust you to zero, Trooper.

Aah!

Jack: Scram.

Damn.

Your boss?

She thinks he is.

( chuckles )

Remember, he's from the future,

so Helen's, like, making out

with a 300-year-old guy. Eew.

He's back.

Dammit, McNulty, couldn't you have given me an hour?

Maybe, if you hadn't given me the bum's rush.

Shouldn't pick on little kids.

Listen, if you don't like my style,

I dump this case right now.

Why do you think I brought you back?

I'm slagging your badge.

On whose authority?

Mine, Trooper Deth.

There are two empty chairs at the Council chamber.

There shall not be three.

I've ordered you a replacement.

Yeah, who?

One of the Green Squad, Lars Juan.

Juan? He works the hothouses.

He never singed a trancer in his life.

Whistler's goons are amassing near Angel City

waiting for the Council to fall,

and you didn't protect Spencer's ancestor.

You had your shot.

Don't pull me out now. I'm close to finding Ashby.

The only thing you were close to was that cotton candy.

That cotton candy is my lead, pal.

She's going to take me right to Ashby.

Is it true?

Would I lie?

- Very well. - It's a mistake.

Juan is the better man.

I've made my decision.

Now it's up to fate.

Good luck, Trooper Deth.

Say, Ruthy, that long second gag really worked out.

How about a refill?

We'll send one down the line.

Hold it.

If I see you in LA again,

I don't care if you're a kid, an old lady or a kitty cat,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Get him out of here.

I hope she's worth it, Jack.

( explosion )

Leena?

That was too much.

Too much what?

( laughs )

Hey, wait a minute.

Leena?

We should get some sleep, don't you think?

Well, Phil, I hope you enjoyed yourself again.

( turns on television )

If you have a favorite Scripture that you think--

Come on, Peter Gunn.

( changes channel )

You too can properly display

the art treasures of the world in your own home.

Imagine, your private gallery of fine reproductions,

"Blue Boy," "Mona Lisa," "Last Supper"

and everyone's favorite, "Whistler's Mother."

I didn't know he had a mother.

With me is Lieutenant Weisling,

who heads the new Skid Row task force.

Lieutenant, what's going to happen to these men?

Well, Kim, we take them downtown,

issue them special ID cards.

With the crime rate downtown,

this program will enable us

to keep track of the homeless and protect the innocent.

As you know, I have the complete backing

of the mayor and the City Council.

And I know that by the time I'm through,

the city will be safe for everyone.

Get dressed.

What now?

We're going to Skid Row.

This hobo round up means one thing:

Whistler knows Ashby's on Skid Row.

What is this?

Reload.

That is so cool. How do they do that?

How far is Skid Row from here?

A couple of miles.

Then we'll have to get a transit.

A what?

I think you people call them taxis.

We're out of money.

Then we walk.

Can you pretend you're not a cop just for a minute?

Where'd you learn how to do this?

I used to hang with some bikers when I was 15.

( motorcycle engine starts )

Get on.

* We three Kings of Orient are *

* Trying to find a wandering star *

These guys have had too much Christmas spirit.

Jack, I can't talk to any more of these guys.

They're too out of it. It's useless.

Listen, Leena, that's what a cop is all about,

whether it's here or 300 years down the line.

Come on.

Evening, citizens.

What ho, knave?

Who brought this glorious angel

that we three kings may gaze upon?

This is the Christmas Angel.

- Jack, what do you-- - Work with me.

The angel has a mission.

I seek knowledge.

Well, we're not called three wise men for nothing.

( all laugh )

Do you know this guy?

Well, that's Highball.

Yeah? Do you know where we could find them?

It depends.

On what?

Did the angel bring any little gifties

for three weary travelers?

I don't have any gold,

but I have some frankincense and some myrrh.

Check the old paper mill on Alameda Street.

- Can you find that? - Yeah, I think so.

- Thank you, Your Majesty. - Thank you.

* Hark! The herald angels sing *

* Little mores are just the thing *

* Peace on Earth and mercy rule *

* Two for you and three for me *

Wait.

Whistler knows about the paper mill.

They're going to sweep through the factory.

We've got to find Ashby first.

We ditch the bikes. I going in by foot.

Alone?

Yeah. I don't want you getting hurt.

I'm not afraid.

Well, I am.

That's it up ahead.

Now, you better stay put, angel.

This room's clean.

Let's check the next wing.

( scraping )

I hear something.

( footsteps )

Hey!

( coughs ) Watch them lights, trooper.

Can't I get some sleep? It's fucking Christmas.

Is your name Ashby?

I don't know.

You got some ID, buddy?

Yeah, somewhere.

Oh, God, I'm gonna puke.

( vomits )

It's not him. Let's go.

Wait a minute. He called us troopers.

The Lieutenant said Jack Deth was a trooper.

Empty. Damn!

Radio Weisling. We need a pickup.

Hold it!

Get your ass up against that wall nice and easy.

Open the coat.

Open it!

Toss the piece out as far as you can.

Good.

Do the same thing with that fancy wrist watch.

You're ain't going to pull that trick again.

( laughs )

The Lieutenant has told us all about you, Deth.

How you're trying to twist our world

and make the future come out the way you want it to.

You got it all wrong, pal.

I'm a cop just like you.

No. No, you're lying.

You and your men have been tranced by Whistler.

You're slaves to Whistler. Look at your skin.

Fight it. Concentrate.

No!

The Lieutenant is the finest man on the force.

( voice distorts ) I pledge my life to it.

My orders are shoot to kill.

He was going to kill you. I had to do it.

Yeah, you did.

Oh, God.

Don't take it so hard.

He was dead the moment he gave himself to Whistler. Look.

Cheer up.

You just singed your first trancer.

Great.

Come on.

Okay, let's go.

( overlapping voices )

Let's go one more time.

Let's go. One more. Let's go.

Okay. Come on. Right down the pipe.

Okay, boy. Let's go.

Billy, you're playing in the strike zone, man.

You're playing in the strike zone.

Stop playing in the strike zone, man.

( overlapping voices )

Would you stand up in the batter's box?

You know better than that.

( shouting and cheering )

Come on, Ashby. You got to get one more in there.

( overlapping voices )

Atta boy!

All right. 50 strikes in row.

You made it. ( laughs )

That bum better show up fast.

God dammit. I lost that long second watch back there.

You mean this?

Would you kiss me?

You know, I don't have time for this.

Well, make the time.

Hey, watch your step.

( crash )

Aah!

- You okay? - Yeah.

I'm looking for a guy named Highball.

Jack.

You're Hap Ashby.

I haven't seen one of these in a long time.

Who are you?

There's men upstairs that want to kill you, Ashby.

Me? What the hell for?

Police! Nobody move!

I want Hap Ashby.

I'm tired of dealing with worthless vermin.

Now step forward, Ashby, or I'll kill the lot of you.

Dumb bums.

( gunshots )

This way, mister.

I want to ride with the lady.

Over here, Ashby.

( gunshots )

Hit it!

Get the guards!

Can't you go any faster?

I can't do nothing with him on board.

Listen, we better split up. We don't stand a chance.

Divide and conquer. That's what we should do.

Meet us in Chinatown.

You don't know your way.

Yeah, I do. I used to swim through here.

You what?

( gunshots )

We're rounding the bag, Hap. How you doing?

Okay, Coach, but it's the bottom of the fifth.

Time for the long second.

- What are you doing? - Damn.

Last call.

Jesus Christ!

Sure glad I kept my cup, Coach.

( sirens )

This is the exciting part, because the music tells me how to feel.

Could you just get the door for me, please?

The door? Oh.

Uh, Merry Christmas.

What the hell are we doing in Chinatown?

You'll be safe. You come upstairs with me, Ashby.

What's the problem, man?

You got people shooting at you and shit.

And where did you get my baseball card?

Be quiet.

I don't even know your name, man.

My name is Deth. Jack Deth.

Death upstairs? Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Ashby, you listen to me. You got to trust me.

You got to trust me. That's my name.

Your name's Jack Deth?

What the hell kind of name is that?

( rock music plays )

( beep beep )

What the fuck?

Leena?

Stay here, Hap. Leena?

Leena.

Hi.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Look, I know this hurts. It's just a nick.

These things usually heal pretty fast.

What? What's the matter?

I had a wife in Angel City.

She volunteered for trancer bait.

I figured, okay.

What could go wrong? It's my hunt.

I lost her.

I don't want that to happen again.

You love me.

Isn't that what I just said?

Hey, Coach? You got any mustard out here?

You got any mustard, Coach?

Why don't you make yourself at home, slugger?

Thanks, Coach.

What the hell is that?

( spits )

That's the only thing I got left over from pro ball.

Jack, do you smell something?

Say, Hap, how about a nice hot shower?

Nah, I don't think so.

Come on, I'll give you a hand.

Hey, wait a minute. I've got my rights.

Yeah, so do we, pal.

Hey, what the hell?

Well, I'll be.

All right, pal.

Here, you might as well have this, too.

Sorry.

Listen, you scum.

Lifting that watch could have got us killed, hophead.

We're in the heat. If you want to stay alive,

you have to play ball with me.

You listening to me?

I'm just a bum, man.

You are now, Hap,

but I'm your fortuneteller.

You're going to dry out, get a job,

meet a girl and have a kid.

His descendant's going to be

one of the greatest leaders of the 23rd century.

It all starts with you in a tub.

Now come on, Hap.

Let me finish my beer.

You need to be hosed down.

What about a sponge bath with blondie, huh?

Here.

I don't think he understood a word you said.

Sure he did.

Operator, get me the police.

Parker Center.

One sec. I'll get you some towels.

Who you calling?

Lieutenant Weisling, please.

Tell him it's Deth. He'll know.

Jack, what are you doing?

Quiet. Whistler? I want to make a deal.

I'm tired of chasing you. I'm tired of this whole business.

I want out.

You can have Angel City and everything else down the line.

All I want is the girl.

- Jack, don't do this. - Shut up.

Just give me my life with her

and you could have Hap Ashby.

Don't. Jack, please. Come on.

Yeah. Chinatown.

You'll see me.

- Leena... - Don't touch me.

You let that poor man be murdered?

Relax. You played it just right.

It was a trick?

Yeah, sure. I'm a cop.

I'm doing my job.

( gasps )

Call to him.

Now.

Jack?

Perfect.

Jack: Merry Christmas.

Beat those suckers.

That's six shots, Whistler. The gun is empty.

No, five.

The girl is too strong. She won't trance, Whistler.

No!

I'm the one you want, not her.

You're the one I shall have.

Oh, yes. Didn't you know?

Deth then marries the girl. Or would have had she lived.

And now, Jack Deth,

prepare to witness your own demise.

Aah!

Oh, Jack.

Oh!

Aah!

Get over here.

I'd like to blow you to Frisco,

but I've made other plans.

You got no flesh in Angel City. I singed it.

You're going up the line with no stops.

Broken.

- Dammit! - What?

I have two files of antidote,

one for Whistler and one for me.

You lose again, Jack.

Only one of us can return now.

I'll see you in hell.

You wouldn't murder an innocent man.

Weisling has six children.

Okay. You're going to feel a little pinch, Rick.

What the hell?

Where am I?

What happened?

Ashby?

Help Lieutenant Weisling.

Sure.

Who is that man?

Him?

He's a fortuneteller.

You can't get home now.

What are you going to do?

That's okay.

I kind of like it here.

That movie was just entrancing.

Why, I could've tranced all night.

Yeah. It's hard to believe

Helen Hunt went on to win the Academy Award.

Gee, I wonder what I would say

if I won the Oscar?

( gasps ) OMG.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

That was too much.

Aw, Helen, don't be such a sore loser.

Thank you so much. I'm speechless.

So let me get my speech out.

Where'd it go? Oh.

Okay. Well, first of all,

I'd like to dedicate this award

to all of the children I've adopted.

Loquisha, Davisha, Cocaroo and KFC,

you're worth so much more than 99 cents a month.

And to all the homeless people,

thank you for keeping our sidewalks warm at night.

I'd also like to thank the disabled

for making me look so able-bodied.

And all our returning vets,

thank you so much for taking care of my pets.

Hey, wait, I'm not finished being humble. God.

And finally, I'd like to thank God

for not making me a loser like the other nominees.

Oh, the only thing else I can say is

I love you all and unpleasant dreams.