Original subtitles

( screaming and howling )

Jell-O, darlings.

Jes, it's me,

that gal from the future who keeps getting sutured,

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

And with the help of technology,

I am broadcasting this program to you

from 10,000 years in the future.

No way.

Yes, way.

I accidentally set the way back machine to pay it forward

and I kind of ended up

slightly ahead of my arrival time.

Oh, well, not as far ahead as that guy,

but it's nice to know that I'm still looking good

10,000 years from now.

What's my secret, you ask?

( crickets chirp )

Hello? Crew, that's your cue.

- What? - What?

Why, thanks for asking.

If you really want to know my beauty secret,

it's acting.

That's right, you're only as old as you act,

so I never act my age.

Just my IQ, which just turned 21.

You know, another one of my tricks

to staying looking and feeling young is to prancercise.

( music plays )

But not in high heels.

So the safest and best exercise for beauty

is to get plenty of sleep.

You know, I do a lot of sleeping on the job

and behind the wheel of my car

and whenever anybody else is talking.

Oh, and talking of talking in your sleep,

have I ever got a sleeper for you.

Well, yes, indeed I do.

Now, if you liked "Valley of the Dolls"

and "Hello, Dolly,"

then I know you're going to get off on this feature,

which features a little creature called Dollman.

Now, some of the smallest actors in town

were considered for the title role,

Herve Villechaize, Gary Coleman, Danny DeVito,

and of course Tom Cruise,

but their egos were all too big for the costume.

Come to think of it,

my egos are getting a little too big for my costume. Oop.

So why don't you leave?

What, and quit show business?

Okay, I got to get back to work.

Now, let me see.

Where did I leave off in that last dream?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

You were there and you were there

and I don't think you were there.

Was that you in the gorilla mask?

When will this nightmare be over?

Oh, good thinking.

I better set my alarm clock.

I want to make sure I wake up after the movie "Dollman."

( sighs )

( snores )

Robbery suspects located.

Unit CT-6 heading for lower city level.

Stay with him. Activate new contracts.

Get away from me!

Leave me alone!

This is the police.

Stop where you are and toss your weapon aside.

Shit!

Get away from me!

This is your final warning.

Leave me alone! Damn!

Stop where you are.

Drop dead!

This is your final warning.

- There is no escape. - Get away from me!

Stop or we'll shoot.

- Get away from me! - Stop! Stop!

( laughs )

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm so angry with my life.

We got him trapped down here

in the laundromat at 18 2nd Avenue.

According to the building plan,

he's only got one exit out of here.

Oh, yeah.

(crying and whimpering )

Thank you.

All right. All right.

All you kids to the right, to the right. Uh-huh.

Oh!

Lady, do not scream.

Help!

Lady, quiet!

I'm going to approach by foot

and see if he's got anybody else in there.

Back off or I kill the fat ladies.

I mean it.

Try anything and there's dead porkers all over the place.

I mean it. I mean it.

Squeeze back.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Aw, shut up!

Headquarters, we got ourselves a big problem down here.

Please remain behind the barricades.

This is police business.

Please move on and go about your business.

The laundromat and the surrounding area

is now under police control.

The blockade will remain until further notice.

Do not cross the barricade.

Repeat, do not cross the barricade.

Hyper speed cruiser, 10 million mineral bricks,

and safe passage out of this universe as we know it.

The son of a bitch is even crazier than we thought

if he thinks we're going to give him any of these things.

That's exactly what we're going to do, Captain Skyresh.

I want this situation resolved now.

Give him what he wants and get rid of him.

Elections are next week

and I don't need dead fat ladies

on video screens all over the city.

Again, Mr. Mayor, I just got a better idea.

Brick Bardo just showed up.

Bardo? I just said I don't want a blood bath.

I'm ordering you to meet his demands.

Mayor, I'm sorry.

I'm having some trouble with the phone here.

I got to go.

Skyresh? Skyresh? Sky--

Anyone found in an unauthorized area

is subject to immediate arrest and beating.

Brick, what are you doing here?

An official police patrol blockade.

Any civilians must remain...

Brick, good to see you.

Look at all the mess.

A nut in there with 13 hostages.

The Mayor wants us to give in.

I'm suspended.

Yeah, but you got any ideas?

I got an idea.

I'm gonna use hot water for my whites,

cold wash and warm rinse for my colors.

What are you talking about?

Laundry, Captain.

This is what I do.

Excuse me.

So Brick's going to take care of this?

Yeah.

Right.

Aren't you supposed to separate the hostages

from the permanent press?

One, two, three.

Hey, asshole, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm going to kill these fat ladies.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, I am talking to you, shit brain.

Someone better get this moron out of here

or the fat is going to hit the fan!

That's right, one of us ought to get going,

and I already put my money in the machine.

I swear I'm going to do it. Mm-hmm.

Wow! That's a floater blaster,

the most powerful handgun in the universe.

That's right, fat boy,

and it's going to blow a hole

clean through this fat lady.

It's going to blow a hole out of you

and that's going to blow a hole

out of the lady behind you.

- ( crying ) - Shut up!

There's going to be a lot of guts

floating around the laundromat,

you know what I mean, fat boy?

- ( screaming ) - No! No!

So keep off the fats and keep the fats off you.

You'll be informed

when the laundromat is once again safe.

Please make no attempt to retrieve your laundry.

Repeat, make no attempt...

- Skyresh? - Mayor?

What the hell happened here?

Two women in cardiac arrest.

Everything's under control. The suspect is in custody.

And every news station in town

is reporting that one of my officers

endangered a laundromat full of hostages.

Think how that looks.

Mayor, no one was killed,

and I thought with Bardo here--

I'll do the thinking, Captain.

There's that son of a bitch now.

Disappointed you didn't get to kill anyone tonight, Bardo?

You're through, you goddamn psycho!

And take off those sunglasses. It's night.

I want that bastard suspended.

He's already under suspension because of the incident in Fillmore.

Then fire his ass. I want him gone.

I'd throw the book at him.

The worst thing about being a girl

is throwing like one.

Thanks for saving my mom.

Tonight at 11:68,

there was an extreme shootout at South Central laundromat.

Unidentified sources at the crime scene claim

that a renegade ex-cop went on a shooting rampage

that's left an unconfirmed 27 bystanders wounded

and another 3.6 dead.

With more on this tragic fast moving story,

our reporter--

Details are still sketchy at this point, Harry,

however, an anonymous official has heard rumor

that 1.4 of the dead are indeed children.

The mayor's office has released no actual details at this time.

However, a highly placed authority

has implied the identity of the killer to be known.

The name Brick Bardo was overheard.

Brick Bardo. Isn't he the detective

that was involved in the Fillmore incident earlier this year?

That's right, Harry, and--

We'll come back to this late breaking story,

but first, we've got a travel advisory

from Lucretia Levell.

That rare phenomenon known as the energy...

( gunshots )

Are advised to use alternate routes

until Traffic Scan gives the all-clear.

Energy bands are known to destroy some ships.

There's an old friend that wants to see you, Bardo.

A number of ships have vanished into the energy bands

and no trace of them has ever...

( laughs ) Well, I'm sure

that all space travelers will heed your warning

and avoid those nasty energy bands.

( gunshot )

Ahh.

Rise and shine.

( laughs )

I saw the news tonight.

You're a very violent man, Bardo.

Yes, I know. It's a violent universe.

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

I am seeing the last of you, Sprug.

After our last encounter, this is all they managed to salvage.

Let's see if I can remember the first time.

Concland bank job I blew off your left arm.

And most of my left foot.

And then there was the space extortion.

What did I take, two or three legs?

Among other things.

The last time, all I remember

was your head rolling around in the parking lot.

I didn't think it was enough to save.

Modern medicine, they're doing some wonderful things.

It's too bad your lovely family couldn't benefit as I have.

But then I think even our best doctors

couldn't have done anything with what was left of them.

What do you want?

Sunscreen.

I'll tell you what I want, Bardo.

50,000 molecular ions.

And I'll get them, too. You know why?

Because my cruiser is loaded with a dimensional fusion bomb

that'll blow the atoms of this city

into another universe unless they pay.

It'll never happen.

Wanna bet?

Why not?

Somehow you'll fuck it up.

You always fuck it up.

No, Bardo.

You've always screwed up my plans.

But this time you won't have a chance

because you're going to be in tiny, tiny little atoms.

We're gonna blow you apart piece by piece, Bardo.

It's mine now.

I've heard about this custom made monster for years.

Don't worry, Bardo.

I'll take good care of him.

I'll put it to good use.

Start with his left hand.

How does it feel to be on the other side, Bardo?

I don't know. You tell me.

Aah!

( panting )

I'm going to die.

You can't kill me anymore.

What do you want, asshole?

Nothing.

You're just going to walk away?

Warning. Intruder is following you.

Closing fast.

Warning. Approaching energy band. Warning.

Your craft won't take the pressure.

Neither will yours.

Yeah, but I don't give a fuck.

What makes you think I do?

Warning. Impact with energy band is imminent.

Craft is undergoing pressure duress...

Aah!

Warning. Energy bands ahead.

Anticipated impact...

Oh!

Impact in 24.8 seconds.

Aah!

We have impact.

Warning. You have landed on an alien planet.

Air and pressure in atmosphere compatible to human life.

Warning. Based on sensor calculations of planet structures,

your size relationships are altered.

( voice slowing down ) This planet's life forms

are a ratio of six to one larger.

( gunshots )

Hey, you in the wrong neighborhood,

you idiot fucks?

Aah!

Hey! Don't you be selling that trash in my neighborhood.

That's it. I've had it

with you sleazy motherfucking dope dealers

selling shit in my neighborhood.

You better fucking move. I'll fucking kick your ass.

Get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass.

You want me to fucking kill you, I will.

Get out of here.

Don't fucking come back. Move it!

Go! Take your shit with you!

Lady, get out of here.

You get the fuck out of here.

Go! Beat it!

Yeah, this is a respectable vacant lot.

Fuck.

Every day we are forced to fight for our lives,

for the lives of our children.

That's why you have joined

our neighborhood watch program.

Today we have a very special guest

who will explain to us

how the police plan to help us in our fight.

Please welcome Captain Arnold Shuller

the Police Commissioner.

( applause )

Thank you for coming.

Nice to be here.

Mrs. Alejandro is absolutely right.

We are involved in a war,

and if it weren't for you people,

we would have no chance of winning.

I think you are the ones who deserve my applause.

Now that you have your sound byte, Captain Shuller,

you can go ahead and tell us

exactly how you plan to help us.

What do you have in mind?

Beefed up patrols,

raiding the crack houses, road blocks?

It's not as simple as that.

You know, it's a very big city,

and Dalton Avenue is not the only area that needs help.

Look, you're the police.

Protect and serve. It's your job.

Protect us.

Of course we'll protect you, Mrs. Alejandro.

We will always try to protect you.

Together we can win this war.

What's up, Eddie?

There's the bitch that pissed us off.

So what, man? So what?

- Bitch. - Eddie.

Come here.

Let go of me!

And those were her parents.

Baby.

( speaking Spanish ) You fuck with our business,

you die.

( speaking Spanish )

Ai!

Oh, let go of me!

( shouting in Spanish )

Oh, God, help me!

- Get her! - Get your ass up here!

You bitch!

( shouting )

( laughs ) You're just a whore!

Oh, watch this!

Whoo-hoo!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Drop the weapon. Step away from the girl.

Holy shit!

( whimpering )

What the--

Oh, shit!

Shit. Giants.

The place is full of giants.

I hate giants.

Aah!

Oh, I didn't mean to scare you.

Scare me?

Who are you?

What am I worried about? This is just a bad dream.

No, it's an unpleasant dream.

Or I'm hallucinating or I have a concussion.

You are so small.

( laughs )

Yeah, but she says that about every guy she bangs.

We can't stay here. They'll be back.

Those punks? I don't think so.

They'll bring their whole gang.

We got to get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere.

Stop it, lady. Hey...hey...

Stop, you fucking giant!

Hey!

Hey, look, a head on the road.

Where?

No, no, a two-inch head. Look.

What the fuck is that, man?

What the fuck is that?

Look, my friends, let's cut to the chase.

I'm obviously a visitor from another world

who's had a bit of trouble.

You help me out and I'll help you out.

It fucking talks.

You're going to help me do what?

Conquer your world...

such as it is.

I've got a bomb you could use.

Yeah, and you're in it.

Something that will rip your dimension a new asshole.

Rip my dimension?

Believe me, nobody will fuck with you ever again.

Huh. You know, with a bomb like that,

we could, like, blow up the entire east side.

We can take the whole fucking borough, huh?

This place would be mine.

Whatever's left behind, yes, would be yours.

Do we have a deal?

Well, yeah, what do you want?

Like a new hat or something?

( both laugh )

Load the bomb off the ship.

Tonight on News Break...

( knock on door )

Kevin, it's mom.

What's the secret password?

Kevin, open the door.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bronco Space Star!

Hey.

Kevin, no!

Put me down!

Kevin, no! Kevin, no!

- Shit. - Whoa!

What a ship.

( thud ) Sorry.

Are you all right?

I never felt better in my life.

My son thought you were a toy.

Bronco Space Star is his favorite TV show.

What is it, mom?

It's a little man, Kevin.

So where did you come from?

How did you get here?

Last thing I remember,

I was chasing Sprug into the energy bands.

Energy bands?

Mom, he's an alien.

Alien? No.

What planet do you come from?

Mars, Venus?

Arturos.

Arturos. Of course.

Honey, he's not an alien.

He's a small man that got lost.

Whoa!

( gunshot )

I want one of those, mom.

Give me that gun.

No way.

Give me the gun!

I will not have guns in my house.

All right, don't pull that thing out again.

When will this nightmare be over?

It's not a nightmare.

Then what the hell is it?

This is South Bronx.

How we doing?

Hey, the rich get richer, Braxton.

That's the plan.

( groans )

( groans )

What the fuck is this?

I don't pay you just to...

Oh, fuck, man.

My fucking pool table, it's ruined.

Who put him on the goddamn pool table, huh?

You think the blood's

just going to come right out of the goddamn felt?

It wasn't my fault.

It was this pendejo's fault.

He was going to force Debi.

I thought I told you not to fuck with Debi.

Hey, it was her fucking with us.

We were just trying to protect ourselves, ese.

She did this to you?

You expect me to believe that?

Well, she had this little doll, little Dollman.

Doll? What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, this guy, this little guy,

he just jumped out, man,

he started shooting everybody

and she took him home.

You telling me a midget did this to you?

No, no, it was no midget, pendejo.

A little guy like this, about this big.

Have another fucking drink, Jackson. Jesus.

( speaking Spanish )

You shut the fuck up. I'm trying to think.

( speaking Spanish )

( gunshot )

Look what you made me do!

See, that's what happens

when people start taking things upon themselves.

Anybody else got any bright ideas?

Huh? You got a fucking bright idea?

How about you? You got a bright idea?

Huh?

I have an idea.

Oh, it's an invasion, homeboys.

This better be good, head.

There's only one person that can stop you

once I give you the dimensional bomb.

Brick Bardo.

What's a Brick Bardo?

He's an asshole cop from my world.

Followed me here.

Well, how do you know it's him?

There's only one weapon in the universe

that can destroy atomic matter like that.

He's dangerous to me.

But to you two, if I were you

I'd go out and kill him right now.

Oh, yeah? Well, if I was you,

I'd quit while I was ahead.

( all laugh )

Think how it looks.

Guy moves into your territory,

blows away your two men.

I know I wouldn't like it.

He's not showing you proper respect.

People will think you've lost control.

Well, this guy's a cop, huh?

Yes.

I'm going to go to Debi's.

I'm going to show this cop

he's in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

You stay here and clean up this mess.

And get a fucking breath mint or something.

We don't fuck around, ese.

Get this fucking body out of here.

( siren )

Mister, are you sure you know what you're doing?

Isn't it past your bedtime, kid?

No power? That's your problem, mister.

Okay.

What size batteries does this thing take?

Look, kid, I'm a little busy right now,

so get the hell away from me, huh?

Are all people on your planet assholes like you?

Sometimes.

Hey, I know somebody that can help you.

Gerald.

- Gerald? - Gerald.

Smoking causes wrinkles.

What'd I say?

( speaking Spanish )

What the--

Hello. The show is over.

Good night.

Move it. Come on, out, out.

( speaking Spanish )

What, are you kids deaf?

Go. Get out now.

Kevin, I want to talk to you.

Good night, goodbye.

Hello, get out! Get out of my house.

Okay, I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Get away from the ship. It's not a toy.

Obviously.

This is my best friend Gerald.

He's the brains at our school.

Look, I said get away from my ship.

Quite aggressive, isn't he?

Kind of a jerk.

Gerald, you, too. Good night.

Oh, but--

But nothing. It's late.

Kevin, did I tell you

to tell everybody in the neighborhood

that we have a spaceman living in our house?

Don't you think we have enough problems?

But, mom, what's the fun of having an alien

if you can't show it off?

( knock on door )

Now, listen, don't do anything without asking me first.

- What? - ( speaking Spanish )

Get that gun out of my face.

What did I just tell you?

Kevin, how you doing?

Don't touch him. Braxton, what do you want?

I come by to visit, see how you're doing.

Look at her.

You want some money or something?

I don't want your money. I don't want anything from you.

Just get these people out of my house, Braxton.

Look, I'm looking for your friend the midget.

I told you he's not a midget.

Will you shut the fuck up.

Look, I don't know who you're talking about.

Look, don't fuck with me, Debi.

This Dollman, he hit my boys.

Braxton, leave us alone.

Where is he?

( speaking Spanish )

Look, we'd just like a hint.

Oh, fuck!

That's about the size of it. ( gunshot )

Jesus Christ.

( siren )

Oh, fuck.

Good night.

A little paint, it'll be just like brand new.

Yeah.

Your world's just as violent as ours, isn't it?

Things don't change, do they?

People don't.

I'm going to lose, aren't I?

Only if you give up, lady.

Thanks.

Mommy!

Mommy!

What is it, honey?

Mommy.

Oh, baby.

The bad men are gone.

It's all right.

It's a bad dream, honey. Go back to sleep.

Yeah, go back to sleep and finish your unpleasant dream.

Yo, Brax, what's up, man?

What the fuck?

We fucked up like this.

I see you've met Brick.

I've had some experience with his blaster damage.

I can stop the bleeding

by fusing the molecules with a sonic proton wash.

If there's no internal bleeding, you might live.

- Do it. - Not so fast.

You promised to help me.

I want the help now, tonight.

It's too dangerous here

and I'm tired of being small.

I want my ship repaired and I want to leave fast.

Do we have an understanding?

Yeah, whatever you say. Just fucking do it.

Hey, you're pretty fucking good.

Hey, you promised me a bomb.

You better show it to me or there's no deal.

It's right behind me.

All you do is push the button.

Then seconds later, boom.

Everything within three parsecs

is sent to another dimension forever.

Let's see, one parsec equals 3.2 light years

times three equals...

Don't bother to pack a bag.

From now on you work for me.

You do what I say.

Work for you?

You're in the wrong fucking neighborhood, deadhead.

Call the homies together.

We're going to war.

With who?

With the fucking Dollman, who else?

But we heard he just popped Jackson and the other guys

and he almost killed you.

So the fuck what?

We got a dimensional bomb.

We're going to settle this fucker once and for all.

All right.

A fucking remedial bomb.

If you're cold, you can put this on.

It's warm.

No, thanks.

( chuckles ) All right.

So do you have a family back home?

Not anymore.

But you used to?

Mind if I get a little sleep?

Sorry.

Good night.

I had a wife and two kids.

A baby girl...

a boy about Kevin's age.

Someone who wanted to hurt me

did it by hurting them.

Kevin's father's dead, too.

He was shot holding up a liquor store eight years ago.

Kevin doesn't even remember him.

He was a gang banger, a Brooklyn homeboy.

Yeah, at the time, I thought homeboy

was as cool as you could get.

Yeah, but how cool can the boy be

if he's still living at home?

And then when Kevin was born,

he swore he was done with gangs,

done with crime, but he lied.

I don't know, it's like in this neighborhood,

gangs are the only way that you can be noticed.

It's the only way you can be somebody.

I mean, they give you a new name

and then you're Shorty or Sleepy or Psycho.

I mean, gangs give you an identity.

You don't know how hard it is keeping Kevin away.

His friends already belong.

He's trying, but I'm going to lose him

if I don't do something about it.

So why don't you leave?

Where would I go?

I don't have any money. I can't even pay the rent.

Dropped out of school to have Kevin.

Besides, this is my home. This is where I grew up.

Everything I've ever known is here.

I'm not going to run away.

You got a lot of guts, lady.

Maybe you're using the wrong approach.

What do you mean?

Fight fire with fire.

I always thought you fought fire with water.

Some fires are too big.

Birthday candles are too big for you.

Kevin, leave him alone.

Get it in gear. You're late.

Have a good day at school. Be careful.

- Okay, mom. Bye. - I love you.

I love you. Goodbye. Be careful.

I will.

Oh, hi.

Here's my number at work in case you need to call.

Oh, I don't think going to work is such a great idea.

Those punks will be looking for you.

Well, if I don't go to work, I don't get paid.

If I don't get paid, I can't pay the rent.

There's nothing to eat, so I'm going to work.

I think you should stay in, though.

The world isn't safe for someone your size.

I'll be home at 7:00.

Kevin will be home around 3:30.

Look, lady, I'm going to find the rest of those punks

and finish this.

No, you're not.

I got to do what I got to do, lady.

Be careful out there, Debi.

So you're trying to tell me

that a 13-inch man saved your ass from Braxton?

Yes, I thought it was like a hallucination or something,

but, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what I'm going to do with him.

A 13-inch man?

Are you sure it wasn't a dream?

I'm serious.

Come over tonight and see him for yourself.

I'd love to see a 13-inch man.

( both laugh ) You know what I mean.

I don't know where he came from or what to do about him or--

Ha ha ha ha ha.

What's so funny, ladies?

Nothing's funny, sir.

Nothing funny about toxic waste, Mr. Lewis.

Well, then get back to work.

You wasting time.

Jeesh, what's his problem?

He asked me out to the Guns 'N Roses concert.

I told him I don't date the mutant slime from work.

- You didn't? - Yeah.

( both laugh )

What the fuck are we waiting for?

We're waiting 'cause I said we're waiting.

Make an example out of this bitch.

Yeah? Well, it's about time.

Oh, fuck, man.

What's the matter?

Oh, fuck.

Yo, I thought that little guy fixed you?

Mom?

I hope he didn't go home.

Not without his ship.

You know, there doesn't seem to be much structural damage.

Maybe if I just adjust this or how about--

Back away, Gerald.

I think he suffers from a Napoleonic syndrome.

Yeah. What?

Short man's complex.

So how long do you think this guy's going to stay at your place?

I don't know. I don't know.

His spaceship doesn't work, so he can't really go anywhere.

I guess he's stuck here.

You want him to stay though, don't you?

Senora Alejandro.

Ah, Senora Rodriquez. ( speaking Spanish).

I heard about this Dollman,

that he blew away Braxton Red's homies last night.

( speaking Spanish )

Yeah, it's true.

Ah. ( speaking Spanish )

Next meeting, the neighborhood watch?

Thursday, 7:30 at the cafeteria.

I'll be there.

- Really? - Si.

I know we can make a difference.

We can change this neighborhood.

Especially with this Dollman

blowing away all the scumbags for us, eh?

That's not the way I wanted this to work out.

Bye, girlfriend.

See ya.

I'll be by later to see your Dollman.

Braxton, leave me alone!

Or what, your little friend

going to come out here and fuck me up?

Help, somebody, help!

Get her in the car.

He's gonna stop you, you son of a bitch!

( overlapping voices )

Get away!

All of you!

Get off.

Where's Dollman?

Braxton's got your mom downstairs.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Kevin, get out of the way.

Mom!

( glass breaks )

Braxton, come back with her!

Yo, everything's cool, man.

Keep your eye out for Dollman, okay?

'Cause he's going to come looking for her.

Hey, can you spare a smoke, man?

Don't worry. I got some.

Sit down.

See anything yet?

No.

Bet that motherfucker's not going to come here, man.

How long more we got to wait?

For Braxton?

Stop this, Braxton. You're hurt.

What the fuck do you care?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Antonio Bandanas.

( shrieking )

Don't even think about it.

( coughs )

Braxton, you're going to die

if you don't get some help.

So I die.

But you can stop this before you go down.

When are you going to get hip to what's going on here, huh?

We're all going to go down, Debi,

'cause that's the way the man wants it.

Can't you see that, huh?

You think they care about you?

You think they care about Dalton Avenue, huh?

They don't give a shit.

You're on the wrong fucking side.

Now sit down.

Don't make me get up.

Fucking sit down!

What the fuck are we fucking waiting for?

I mean, fuck this shit.

Fuck, man, the fucking setup is fucked up.

The little fucker knows what kind of fucking shit

is fucking waiting here to fuck him up.

So let's get the fuck out of this fucker.

and go fuck up the tiny little motherfucker.

Has fucking anybody seen anything yet?

Nothing yet. Come on down here.

Fuck it!

Braxton, man, it's been three hours.

He ain't gonna show.

He must have found out what was waiting for him.

Fuck him.

Armbruiser, you go look for him.

All right? Go on.

Come on, go on.

( snoring )

Okay, Jim, the punk's a no-show, so we're out of here.

The vans will meet us down here. Over.

Got it, homie.

( overlapping voices )

Move, move, huh?

And I thought this was gonna be hard.

Yo, Jimmer? Jimmer, man, where the fuck are you?

Get down here. We're ready to roll.

Oh!

- Aah! - Aah!

What the fuck's going on there?

Urban fucking renewal.

- Aah! - Aah!

Oh!

Big mistake, Debi.

( gunshots )

Big fucking mistake, Debi!

Debi, I am very disappointed with you right now.

You remember Benny, huh?

Oh, Debi.

Oh, fuck.

I fucking kept you alive

and you fucking disrespect me!

( sobbing ) You fucking bitch.

( crying )

I'll show you for fucking disrespecting me.

Don't ever disrespect me!

Ow. I guess he hasn't read his social media scores.

Goodbye, Debi.

Brick: Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you fucking puke?

Huh?

Aah!

You sack of puss.

You remind me of a guy I knew back home.

I didn't like him either.

Aah, motherfucker!

Oh, fuck, my gun!

Now let's see how you like it, tiny motherfucker!

No, let's see what it's like for you, motherfucker.

( coughs )

Stand aside, lady. Let me finish this.

It's finished.

Come on, it's finished. Don't you see that?

He's scum.

He doesn't deserve to live.

Because your family isn't alive, is that it?

Come on, let it go.

Just let it go.

Stand aside.

Okay.

Don't do it for me.

Okay, lady.

You win.

Wrong. Nobody fucking wins.

( laughs )

Dimensional fusion bomb.

Uh-huh.

Run!

Run!

( explosion )

( shouting questions )

- Elvira. - Elvira.

One more. This way.

Goodbye, Dollman.

If you want your spaceship back,

it's for sale on eBay.

So, Debi, tell me size doesn't count.

( alarm clock rings )

Oh, gee, it's over already?

So how'd you like "Dollman?"

Hello, crew, that's your cue.

Crew: What?

( sighs )

Why, everyone on my crew is such a doll.

Anyway, this movie won the award

for best science friction short subject.

I wish someday somebody would explain the difference to me

between science friction and non-science friction,

because they both seem made up to me.

But I think this was more of a science affliction movie,

because everyone gets afflicted by science.

You can't kill me anymore.

No, but cigarettes can.

I know because I saw the pie chart.

Now, I was never very good at math,

but I know that 36 x 24 equals 36,

and that M&M-C2 equals the real Slim Shady.

And that if you drop an apple and a bowling ball

from a building at the same time,

you are more likely to hit someone with a bowling ball

according to this new cult religion called gravity.

But sleeping through "Dollman" reminded me of way back

when I was just a little Elvira Mistress of the doll,

and I think about all those times

I didn't answer the door when opportunity knocked

because I thought it was the landlord

trying to collect rent.

And I think about all the chances I had to steal,

set fires and vandalize,

but I chose to go into topless broadcasting on TITSFM,

which was closed after the FCC

insisted on attending every broadcasting.

Which, of course, reminds me of how I arrived in Hollywood.

My house was swept up by this tornado in Kansas.

You know, Kansas,

also known as the show me to the emergency room state.

Well, gang, it's been a bang.

It's been a bang, gang.

I've got a bomb you could use.

No, thanks. They give me gas.

( horn honks La Cucaracha )

Oh, that's the taco truck.

I just loves them fish tacos.

So I'll see VJ you later.

You're just going to walk away?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Unpleasant dreams.