All language subtitles for Watch 13 Nights of Elvira (2014) Full HD_4

**

Hello, darlings.

Yep, it's little ol' me,
your favorite couch tomato,

Elvira,
mistress of the dark.

Are you happy
to see me back?

Yeah, I know you're happy
to see my front.

Well, I'm happy to see
you little dickens,

and especially
you big dickens.

I just love playing
to a crowd of people

sitting at home alone
in their underwear.

Oh, by the way, our underwear
model contest is still on,

so send us your selfies
in your unmentionables

and you could be featured
on our next show.

Or be sent to prison.

Anyway, I am pumped up
and ready to blow you...

(clears throat)
...away

with today--
or tonight's thriller,

depending on when
you're watching.

God, I hope somebody
is watching.

(sighs) I mean, I spent
nearly eight hours in makeup

and had a bath in hot wax,

so I don't have to ever
see stubble on my legs again.

Tonight's film
is called "Hobgoblins."

So I don't know exactly
where Hobgoblin is,

but I think it's
somewhere near Hogwarts.

But, to be sure,
I decided to look it up

in my "dicktionary".

Let's see,
what do it say here?

Ah, hermaphrodite...
heretic...

Hobgoblins,
there it is.

Uh, "a rip-off of
the movie 'Gremlins'."

Hmm. Personally, I feel
it's perfectly okay

to rip-off anything
that makes money:

designer handbags, watches,
movies, banks, whatever.

So, if you liked
"Gremlins,"

maybe you'll like
"Hobgoblins."

I don't know, you know,
I can't read your mind.

Whoa! Wait a second.

I can read your mind.

You're thinking, "Why don't
the (bleep) just shut up

"and show
the damn movie already

and let me decide if I want
to watch it or not?"

Whoa. Okay,
that's a good thought,

and it saves me the trouble
of having to read

the rest of the crap that's
written on the prompter.

So... "Hobgoblins."

(crickets chirping)

(howling in distance)

(rock music, on headphones)

(humming)

Dennis. Dennis!

(music stops)

Hey, what gives?

You're being paid
to work around here,

not to sit around
and blast your eardrums.

Hey, hey, hey,
take it easy.

I can do both.
(telephone ringing)

(dial tone)
Hello?

Hello?

Didn't you hear
the phone ringing?

Uh, no, I didn't.

They've
already hung up.

Well, then,
it couldn't have been
too important, huh?

Don't you have any sense
of responsibility?

That could have been
a very important call.

At this hour?

In the future would you
just answer the phone,

no matter what hour it is,

and not make
your own decisions

about what's important
and what isn't?

Yeah, yeah,
right, right.

It's time for our rounds.

** (ominous score)

(latch clicks)

Did-- Did I ever tell you

what this studio was like
when I first started here?

Yeah,
more than once.

Oh, it used to be one of
the busiest lots in town.

(chuckling)

It's a real thriving
metropolis now.

Hey, well, wait a minute,
what's this down here?

Oh, it's, uh,

it's just
an old film vault.

There's nothing
down there.

Well, yeah, but why don't
we check it anyway?

I'm telling you
there's nothing down there,

and I'm not going to waste
my time checking it out.

(man on radio)
McCreedy.

What is it now?

I need you
to come here now.

Well, I can't right now.

Now... (static)

Finish the rounds.

And remember
what I said.

Hey, whatever
you say, Pops.

** (rock music
in earphones)

** (ominous score)

What took you so long?

I made it as quickly
as I could.

I was clear
across the lot.

You're not as young
as you used to be.

I tried calling you
at the main gate before.

Why didn't you
answer the phone?

I-- I must have caught it
just as you hung up.

Well, let's be a little
more efficient from now on.

How's the new boy doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

But I-- I really
need to get back.

Uh, just a minute.

I want to talk to you
about these beer cans

I found
in the front gate.

So there's nothing
down here.

I wonder what
they keep in here.

Yoo hoo!
Mr. McCreedy.

(creaking)

(snarling)

(growling, snarling)

Is somebody there?

(snarling, growling)

Is somebody there?

(static)

(static cutting out)

I'll give you
a report in the morning.

(feedback squeal)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to "America Has No Talent."

(crowd murmurs, cheers)

** (rock music playing)

Aaah!

** (ominous score)

(creaking)

(snarling)

**

Another one quit?

What was the problem
this time?

I'm not sure what
the problem was, sir.

It wasn't something
you said to him, was it?

It could have been.

I'm holding you responsible
for this, McCreedy.

Every time
we hire a new guard

he only lasts for
a couple of weeks,

then he's gone.

How many is it now,
three, four?

It's three, and I
really don't think

you need to hire
anyone else.

I can run
the post myself.

Look, you've been here
for a long time.

You know as well as I do

that we need to have
a second guard ready

so he can fill in
for you if you can't

make it here
some night.

But I've never missed
a night since I've been here.

You're not as young
as you used to be.

We need to be prepared.

Do you know that if something
were to happen to this studio

while no one was on duty,
our insurance is voided?

This place has
been deserted for
almost 30 years.

Stop making excuses.

I want you
to hire a new guard,

and this time
hire one who will

stick around
for a while.

Or else I'll hire two.

So, Kevin, is this
the first time

that you've worked
as a security guard?

Yes, sir.

But I'm a very
fast learner,

and I promise
to try extra hard.

And I really
need the job.

(chuckles)
Well, you sound very
mature for your age.

Uh, you don't own
one of those

portable radios
with headphones, do you?

No, sir.

That's good.

I think we'll
get along just fine.

Now, are you ready for
your first tour of the lot?

Oh-- Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, even prepared
to take notes.

(chuckling)

It's not
that complicated.

You've never
been on a studio lot

like this before,
have you?

No, sir.

Well, it's not that
difficult to keep track of.

Uh, there isn't much
goes on here anymore.

How long have you
been working here?

Oh, quite a while.

About 30 years,
actually,

and I've never
missed a day

and had to have
someone fill in for me.

30 years.
That's amazing.

Well, not really.

You know, time becomes
sort of a blur

when you reach
a certain age.

Sometime I'll tell you
what this place was like

when it was still
a functioning studio.

I'd like to hear
about that.

** (ominous)

Now, Kevin,
if I told you

that something was
very important,

you'd listen to me,
wouldn't you?

Of course.
Oh, good.

Now, there is
a part of this lot

that I want you to
stay away from.

I don't want to
have to explain

all the details to you.

I just want you to promise
to stay clear from it.

I understand.
Ah, good.

Now, this is the part
I was telling you about.

What's down there?

Oh, it's just a lot
of dangerous machinery.

Now, don't go in there
and take a chance

of injuring yourself,
do you understand?

Yeah.
Good.

Now, I don't want to have
to remind you a second time.

Just stay clear
of this area.

So is there anything else
I need to be made aware of?

There is one other thing.

This is what I was
telling you about.

Oh, but don't worry,

I-- I've never
had to use it.

Really?
That's right.

Not in all the years
I've been here.

But I would like
to show you

how to use it
sometime, though.

You never know when
you might need it.

Hi.

Not now.

Your friends are here.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Madonna called,
she wants her clothes back.

Ah, what'd you bring,
some new music?

No, I just rented
a videotape

that Amy and I
were gonna watch.

Oh, that was
very nice.

Let me see
what you got.

What?

Don't you ever
get any tapes

from
the adult section?

My boyfriend would
never bring me a tape

that didn't have
at least a single
X rating.

Well, Kevin
isn't like that.

He would never want me
to see anything

that was rated X.

Would you?

No, I wouldn't.

(honking)

All right, man.

I'd recognize
that horn anywhere.

That's my Nick,
back from

two months of
Army training,

and you know
what a man wants

when he's been away
for two months.

No.
What does he want?

Whoo!

Two months!

Oh!

* Whoa, everybody
have sex tonight *

(gasps, laughing)

Wish that were us
getting some.

Did you say
something?

No, no.

I want to hear about
everything you did
in basic training.

Well, we had to get up
every morning about 4:00 AM.

Sounds like
loads of fun.

Then there
was calisthenics

and a daily run
of six miles.

Oh, I bet you got
really sweaty.

(Nick)
Oh, you know I did.

After that,
firing range.

(mimics machine gun)

Tear gas training.

Then there was
infiltration course.

Big deal, I have access
to a gun where I work.

Yeah, well,
it's a big difference

between
having something

and knowing
how to use it.

Uh, would it be okay
if I used your phone?

Yeah, sure.

Who you
gonna call?

Uh, my girlfriend.

Hey, are we ever
gonna get a chance

to meet this girl?

Uh,
I don't think so.

She's kind of shy.

What else did you do
with the gun?

Well, I haven't actually
had a chance to fire it yet,

but--
I was talking to Nick.

Then we had
target practice.

But I never had
an actual chance
to shoot anyone.

Yet.

Shooting someone, is that
really important to you?

Well, yeah!

**

(ringing)

(in sultry voice)
Hi, it's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I'm going to see
a movie today.

It's only rated PG.

I want you to show up
and make it rated X.

Sneak in the rear door,
and when the lights go down,

drop your pants and
show me a full moon.

Wave that lunar eclipse

and block
the projection beam.

Next, pull me down
and roll me

on those sticky floors.

Lick that artificial
butter flavor

(ringing)
off my body.

Hold, please.

Then, take my clothes
and leave me naked,

so when the lights come up,

I'll be
the second feature.

You sure that's not
long distance?

No, it's not.
That's good.

Because I have to keep
calling the phone company
every month

because of all these
sex line calls

being billed
to my number.
Really?

That's too bad.

Thanks for calling.

A new adventure
awaits you tomorrow.

(dial tone)

(Nick)
Oh, yeah, and then
we spent all afternoon

studying
hand-to-hand combat.

I know about
the techniques you
have with your hands.

Tell us about
something else.

Yeah, could we change
the subject already?

Why don't you pay attention
and maybe you'll
learn something?

Nick is protecting
our country

and you're just guarding
some rundown deserted dump.

What did you say?

Why don't you be
nice to Nick

and maybe he'll
teach you something.

Yeah, I could
teach you all about
hand-to-hand combat

with no problems.
Yeah.

(Kevin)
I don't want to.

Go on, I know
you can do it.

Look, I said I wasn't
interested, okay?

Come on!

You're gonna love this.

I don't want
to do this.

Here, take this.

Okay, no, no,
hold it like this.

Okay, now block
every move that I make.

I'm gonna take it
really slow on you.

So watch out--
'cause here comes
the first one!

Go, Nick,
kick his butt!

Oh, he's getting
so sweaty already.

Wow, this movie
really "raked" it in

with all the "hoes".

Yeah, go for it!

Whoa, careful!
He used to be
a majorette.

Uh, nothing too Freudian
about two grown men

playing with their sticks.

(grunting)

(grunting)

You give up?

Yes!

My hero!

You really
humiliated me.

What?

I didn't even
want to do this.

It was your idea.

I don't care
whose idea it was,

I wanted you to win.

How was I supposed
to win, Amy?

I've never even
done this before.

It was
an unfair match.

You looked really
pathetic.

What do you want me
to do for you?

I want you
to make me proud.

(chuckling)
Give it back!

Come and get it!

Whoa, that was fast.

(crickets chirping)

What's the matter,
Kevin?

It's really
a long story.

I've got all the time
in the world.

Oh, God! Are those
crickets loud enough?

What do you do
about someone

who you can never
make happy?

Is this your girlfriend
we're talking about?

I don't know
what to tell you.

What sticks
as the problem?

Well, we've got
this friend
who's in the Army.

And my girlfriend's
upset

because I couldn't
do all the things
that he can.

I see.

Did I ever tell you
what I did

when I was
in the Army?

No.

Oh. It's also
a long story.

(beeping)

Uh-oh.

Looks like
we've got company.

Hey.
Wait here.

I'll call you
if I need you.

But Mr. McCreedy--

I said wait.

** (ominous)

(gasps)
Shut up.

Get away from him.

Who's this,
your grandson?

No, he's my partner.

I said...

(clicking)
...get away from him.

Who are you
kidding?

You don't know
how to use that.

(coughing)

Are you okay?

Do you want me to call
an ambulance?

No, no,
I'm-- I'm fine.

Damn!
What's the matter?

I just wish Amy
could have been here

to see what I just did.
(groans)

(clattering)

He's still on the lot.

What do we do now?

Well, I'm going
to call the police.

Try to locate
where he is

but keep a distance
from him.

Don't try
to be a hero.
Okay.

(panting, wheezing)

(rotary dial whirring)

(line ringing)

** (ominous)

Mr. McCreedy?

I'm going down
that hallway,

where all
the machinery is.

I think he went
down there.

I'm going in
for a closer look.

Oh, God.
The vault.

Kevin!

Stop whatever
you're doing.

Don't go near the vault,
no matter what you do.

Don't go
near the vault.

Amy...

I'm gonna
make you proud.

Why doesn't somebody just
put a lock on the gate?

(creaking)

(snarling)

(growling, snarling)

Ah, we're too late.

Kevin, why did you
come in here?

Why-- Why didn't you
listen to me?

Duh, 'cause
he can't listen

when somebody else
is talking.

(panting)

(dog barks in distance)

What's going on?

(snarling)

Aww, isn't that cute?

The hobgoblins are
going hob-golfin'.

**

(snarling)

Oh, if you only knew
what you just did.

I don't understand.

What just happened?

The vault.

I-- I tried
to warn you.

Those creatures,
the vault.

I tried.

All my work, 30 years,

I've been trying
to prevent this
from happening.

To-- To prevent what
from happening?

Well, those--
those creatures.

Why do you think I spent
the last 30 years
of my life here?

I was keeping them
from escaping.

You know,
I was young when I
began to work here.

And this studio was--
was busy and prosperous.

(McCreedy)
I always remember
the night that it happened.

It was late, and there was
hardly anyone around.

Wow, amazing what
a little black shoe polish
can do for you.

...a flash of light from
some explosion.

I stepped out
to see what it was.

There was no one else there
except for me.

It was right in
the middle of the lot.

If it had been daytime,

it probably would have been
crushed in all the traffic.

I just stared at it
for a long time.

I didn't know
what to make of it.

And then suddenly
it moved,

and out from
the top of the disc

came this small creature,
a sort of hobgoblin.

It looked around,

and then it stared
right at me.

I didn't move,
I just kept watching it.

(snarling)

Looked so friendly
at first.

If only
I'd known what lay ahead.

But I still don't
understand.

I let the creatures
live on the lot.

It was my secret.

And then I learned
of the power they had.

I still don't know
if they figured

they were doing good
for people or not.

They slowly began
to destroy everyone
on the lot.

They would find a person,
tap into his brain,

and then create
his wildest fantasy.

It seemed harmless
at first.

I mean, watching
everyone around me

becoming
rich or famous.

But, for most people,

what they really
want in life can be
very dangerous.

In fact,
the creatures wound up
destroying everyone,

everyone they came
in contact with.

They're-- They're loose
in the city now.

But you could
warn everyone.

They'd listen
to your story.

Would they?

No one believed me
30 years ago.

I went straight to
the head of the studio

and tried to
explain it to him.

He didn't believe me,
no one did.

I just watched
helplessly

as people around me
were destroyed
one by one.

Then what can we do?

Oh, I-- I'm too old to
catch up with them now,

but you might still
have a chance.

There aren't
very many of them,

but they move quickly.

Just remember,
they're attracted
to bright lights.

That's how
you can find them.

Watch everyone
around you.

When a person begins
to act strangely,

it means that
one of the creatures

have tapped into
his mind.

When this happens,
the creature is
never far away.

Find it and kill it
before it's too late,

because when
the creature dies

the fantasy ends and
the victim is safe.

Now remember, they're only
attracted to bright light.

Hmm.

I-- I can't
remember now.

What is it they're
attracted to?

Destroy them all
before dawn because
once it's daylight

it's too late.
Okay.

And you'll never be
able to stop them.

(engine starts, revs)

(needle scratch)

** (rock music)

All right!

(snarling)

Come on, Amy,
get with it.

Do the backstroke.

Now the Funky Chicken.

Okay, do the Jerk.

Oh, never mind,
you already are one.

(snarling, growling)

(van horn honking)

(gasps)
That horn.

I'd recognize it
anywhere.

(gasps, sighs)

(honking)

See you guys later.

Much later.

That's weird.

Maybe he's circling
the block or something.

I brought your jacket.
(gasps)

I thought you might be
cold out here.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Where's Nick?

I thought I heard
his horn before.

So did I.

Well, maybe you should wait
inside until you see him.

Look, he's just looking
for a place to park.

Now would you go back
into the house?

There's plenty
of parking in front.

Maybe it wasn't
his horn.

Look,
I'm positive it was.

Maybe the police
just pulled him over

for all his warrants
or something.

Now would you just
go back in the house?

Fine,
I get the message.

Just take this stupid
jacket with you.

(grunts)
Damn it, Nick, where
the hell are you?

(sighs)

(snarling)

Amy, would you just
go back in the house

and leave me alone?

God! Would you stop
breathing all over me?

(snarling, growls)

(shrieks)

Sounds like Nick
finally got here.

(grunting)
(snarling)

Get the (--) off me!

She must be happy
to see him.

(snarling)

Go off!

Take this and that and this!
(banging, whimpering)

(panting)

(grunting)

Honestly, couldn't
you just wait?

(snarling)

(shrieking)

(screaming)

(snarling, growling)

Come on, grab it!

Looks like
a new dance.

It's pretty kinky.

Hey, guys.

(panting)
(snarling)

Nick, thank God
you're here!

Something wild
got in the house!

I'm gonna
take you out.

No, it's those
wild animals.

(snarling)

(muffled snarling)
(panting)

(growling)

(snarling, growling)

I knew I'd find
a use for this.

Kyle, come on!

(snarling, growling)

Just open the door
and stand back.

Oh, my God,
what do you call that?

Urban renewal.

Amy!
(hobgoblins snarling)

Move out!

(snarling)
(music stops)

(sighs)

(snarling)

No! Put that out!

(snarling)

Are you guys okay?

Yeah,
I'm just peachy.

I had everything
under control.

Good, then you can
finish off your van.

(gasping)

I don't understand.

What were those things?

It's a long story.

What they do
to your body is nothing

compared to what
they do to your mind.

You don't have to
worry about that.

Are you sure
you're all okay?

I mean, you don't feel
anything different, do you?

I think
I wet my pants.

Hey, I was only
kidding.

And none of you
have a desire

to do anything you've
never done before, right?

I don't think
there's anything left

that we haven't
done before.

How about you,
Amy?

Well, actually,
I did want to try

this new Chinese restaurant
that I heard about.

Kyle?

Could I use your
telephone again?

I want to call
my girlfriend.

We still haven't met
this mystery girl
of yours.

What kind of
a relationship do
the two of you have?

Uh, I-- I guess
you'd say it's
a fantasy relationship.

Uh, what other kind
are there?

(creaking)

(snarling)

(dial tone)

(ringing)

(in sultry voice)
Hi, it's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I need a new house pet
to impress my friends.

Now hurry before
the zookeeper comes.

Help me hide this iguana
on my body.

(deepens voice)
Uh, can I help you, Miss?

(normal voice)
Oh, yes, Mr. Beast Master.

Something just
crawled up my leg.

Oh, see if you can
find it.

(deepens voice)
I think you better come back
to my office with me.

(normal voice)
Now wait a minute.

Are you sure your office
is in the baboon pit?

(snarling)
Mr. Zookeeper,

what do you think
you're doing?

This isn't the children's
petting zoo.

(moans)

(deep voice)
I have a new house pet

for you, Miss.
(fake chuckle)

(normal voice)
Oh, Mr. Zookeeper,

I could never take
a cockatoo that size.

(record needle scratch)
(groans)

Now stop wasting
your money calling me.

I'm right outside
your door.

Don't keep me
waiting, lover.

(gurgling)
(line clicks, dial tone)

** (ominous)

(howling)

(coughing)

Where's Kyle?

Didn't you guys see
where he went?

No.
No.

Do you-- Do you kiss
on the first date?

I got all the way
on the first date.

My kind of woman.

My place or yours?

Neither.

We'll go to
Reputation Road.

I'll drive.

Uh, do we have some
time to get Pop Rocks
and whipped cream?

Just start the car.

Reputation Road,
here we come.

(engine starts, revs)

(thunder rumbling)

Amy, quick,
where's Reputation Road?

Daphne, where's
Reputation Road?

Uh, you go down to
the end of the street,

make a right, go through
two traffic lights

and up the hill
and there it is.

Hello! Continuity?

(groans) He doesn't have
a newspaper in his hand.

I don't have time
to explain.

Now he does.
It's about
those creatures.

I've got to go across town
and get Kyle.

I want the rest of you
to stay here.

Don't make a move
or do anything.

And above all, don't
fantasize about anything.

And now he don't.

(engine starts, revs)

You know, girls,

I can think of
a fantasy right now.

It's involving
the number 3.

(car horn honks)

Oh, Fantasia,
you're my ideal woman.

You're intelligent,

you have a wonderful
personality,

and I'll bet
you're a great cook,

and I just know my mom's
gonna love meeting you.

Will you marry me?

Skip the ceremony.

We're going straight
to the honeymoon.

Oh, Fantasia, baby,
I could watch you

all night long.

If you don't
go any faster,

we could be driving
all night long.

Now hurry!
I know a shortcut.

(car horn honks)
Jeez.

Oh...
don't park here.

Why not?

You have to park
near the edge...

if you want to go
all the way.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, I think you
should've stopped

at the "halfway" sign.

How's that?

Perfect.

That was some shortcut
you knew about.

I never knew
there was a road

through
the children's
playground.

There isn't.

(laughing)

Well, uh, what're
you waiting for?

Fantasia,
where are you going?

I wanted a better
view of the city.

You can see it all
from here.

(snap)

Now...

Isn't that
a lovely view?

Oh, it sure is.

Well, where are
you going now?

Just wait a second.

You just keep
watching the view.

Just hold tight.

And get ready for
the ride of your life.

Do it to me.

(Fantasia strains)

Uh, Fantasia, honey,

I think
the car is in park.

Do you need
any help?

Would you get back inside
and wait for me?

This time,
don't move.

(growling)

We're almost there.

Just think nasty thoughts
while you wait.

(grunting)

(growling)

(grunts)

** (chimes)

Do it to me, baby.

Damn fool.

What're you doing here?

Hey, I want you
to meet my girlfriend.

Wait till you see her.
Fantasia? Honey?

Kyle,
there's no girl.

She was a figment of
your imagination.

No, she's not,
she's just hiding somewhere.

I-- I told you,
she's a shy girl.

Sweetie?
A shy girl?

That bleach-blonde witch
almost killed you.

She was back there
trying to push

your car
over the cliff.

Hey! Come on!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Now do you believe me?

I'll discuss
my phone bill

with you later.

Oh, no.

They're gone!

(growling)

(growling)

Hit the creature!

I'm trying to!

(snarling)

Hit the creature!

Idiot.

The creatures broke loose,
are you guys okay?

We're doin'
just fine.

Well, what about Amy?
Where's she?

Yeah, she was acting
kind of strange.

What?
Where is she?

Well, she said she wanted
to go to Club Scum.

What? Why didn't you
try to stop her?

What's the big deal?
I've been there before.

You guys,
don't you understand?

These creatures
have a power.

They can tap into
your brain and sense

the things that you
really wanna do.

What's wrong
with that?

They also try
to kill you.

I just chased Kyle across town
and pulled him out of his car

right before it rolled over
a cliff and blew up.

It's still
burning now.

You see what I'm trying
to tell you guys now?

What could happen
at that night club?

Well, there's
a lot of bikers

and people fighting
everywhere, and--

and I've seen
people dealing drugs

and knife-fights.
What?

Oh, no, come on,
we've gotta go!

Come on!

And I see the police
arresting people there

all the time for
God knows what.

Oh, no,
come on!

** (distant rock and roll)

Daphne, I think you
got this all wrong.

Amy would never come
to a place like this.

She won't even
go through

the mall parking lot
by herself.

Would you just
listen to me?

You guys have to have
a certain kind of attitude

when you're in
this part of town.

You gotta look
like you belong,

okay?

Yeah, I get it.

Look, would you just
listen to me,

and nothing
will happen.

Now look, I think
one of us should hold

all the wallets
for safe-keeping.

You.

Quiet,
just be cool.

Kevin? Daphne?

** (louder rock and roll)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you guys
think you're going?

We're looking for
a girl in here.

You know something?
I don't think the girls

in here are gonna
be your type.

Why don't you try the polo
lounge up the street?

You don't understand,
we're looking for

a particular girl
here tonight.

Oh...

Wait-- ooh.

Yo, Pixie,

haul it over here.

Yeah, what is it?

You, uh, working
here tonight?

You know what
I always say,

the higher the hair,
the closer to God.

--you know,
working.

(Pixie)
College boys.

Hmm. I thought this bar
was called "Club Scum,"

not "Club Skank."

Any of those fancy
numbers in French?

Read my lips.

We're looking for
a friend of ours

who's in there.

Does she look
anything like Pixie?

God, I hope not.

This is the last time
I ever give you

10% of my tips!

10% of her what?

All right, that's it,
you guys are outta here.

Get outta here--

ooh, Daphne.

Didn't see you
back there.

Hi.

Roadrash!

Long time, no see.

I was sorry
to hear about

your boyfriend coming back
from the army.

You give me a call the next time
you need a little booty.

Ixnay on the oldier-say,

Okay?

What?

Can we go in?

You guys are friends
of Daphne's...

go for it,
knock yourselves out.

You guys see her
anywhere?

Look, we should
just sit down before

people start
staring at us.

Oh... you must
be here for

the wet t-shirt
contest tonight.

Wet t-shirt contest?

Donkey
mud-wrestling?

Donkey
mud-wrestling?

"Get Lucky" night?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry,
the donkey mud-wrestlers

are supposed to use
the rear entrance.

Enjoy the show.

Hi, Daph.

Sit down.

How well do you
know those guys?

It was just platonic.

Oh, really?

Oh, would you just
shut up, okay?

Hey, you guys aren't
much of a help, you know.

We're supposed to be
looking for Amy.

Well, why don't you try
looking under the tables?

Yeah, Daphne's an expert at
being under the tables here.

What color are
the rugs, Daph?

Same color as
the carpet burns

on my knees, Nick!

(clears throat)

(mic feedback whines)

Greetings,
low-lifes.

And welcome
to Club Scum.

Get off the stage,
you idiot!

**

** (rock and roll)

* Why work for
something *

* When you can...

* Steal it

* It's always been

* My philosophy

* A little
of this *

* And a whole lot

* Of the latter

* I want it all

* 'Cause I want
some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

* Why live
for something *

* When you can
kill it? *

* It's always been

* My philosophy

* You shove
and get shoved *

* And ya shovel

* More (--)

* I want it all

* And I want
some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

** (guitar solo)

* You live
and let live *

* Or you live and

* Let die

* Oh, I want it all

* 'Cause I want
some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to die *

(cheering, whistling)

Can I get you guys
somethin' to drink here?

Maybe later.

There's a two drink
minimum here.

Look, we're all
underage, okay?

(groans)

Roadrash,
c'mere, quick.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
what is it?

None of these kids
are 21 yet.

All right.

How many fake ID's
we need?

This says I'm 40
and handicapped.

So what? You got a problem
with that, junior?

No, I'll limp.

(mic feedback)

And now...

Club Scum is
proud to present

a new headliner.

Appearing nudely
and nightly,

Miss Amy Sin-cere.

She's a waitress,
a hooker,

and a go-go girl!

Oh, my God.

Amy! Get off
the stage!

Hey, sit down
and shut up.

(whistling, cat-calls)

I don't know, but I think
it's sort of an improvement.

So do I.

(cheering)

(cheering)

Bet you showed her
how to do that,

huh, Daphne?

Well, what do
you think, folks?

Is she a hit
or a miss?

(cheering)

Hey, I don't know
what she's doing--

Enough--

Amy!

(glass breaking)
(cheering)

Stop interrupting
the show!

I want you to
treat me like dirt!

Spill your drinks
on me.

Show everyone that
I'm not wearing

any underwear.

Take me
under the table

and use me.

Make me...

...your woman.

My bike's
right outside.

I live right around the corner,
you know what I mean?

Look,
she's just drunk.

She doesn't even know
what she's saying.

She's never even been on
the back of a motorcycle.

She's terrified
of 'em.

Riding a motorcycle
is like...

...sitting on the world's
largest vibrator.

Miss Sincere.

You're my kind of woman.

Amy Sincere's
only my stage name.

Do you wanna know
my real name?

Tell it to me
on your knees, baby.

Break it up,
you two!

I'm not into
the number 3.

Get outta here,
you jerk!

Would you guys stop
sitting there and help me?

Why don't you
help him, Daphne?

You seem to have a way with
all the men in this place.

(fake chuckling)

Sergeant Parker,
what're you doing here?

At ease, Private.

I'm out on
a weekend pass.

I hear Pixie's
working tonight.

You go out in public
in full uniform?

A real soldier dies
with his boots on.

This way, this way!
(growling)

What's going on here?

Just a problem involving
some small predators, Sir.

(growling)

I see.

Sort of
a marauding attack?

Yes, sir. I believe that
we need to stage a diversion.

Private, who's
in command here?
You are, sir.

Then I'll make
the decisions.

We need to stage
a diversion.

And I have
just what you need.

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(snarling)

Oh...
the crowd here tonight.

(growling)

Pixie, did I ever
tell you that I was

a-- a talent scout

for a major
motion picture studio?

Did I ever tell you

that I've always
been attracted

to men of
your stature?

Oh...

Pixie!
Pixie!

Pixie!

Oh!

(both moaning)

Aah!

** (chimes)

What the hell
are you doing?

Here.

Kevin! Kevin!
I got one.

Good, let's hope
it's the right one.

Oh, Roadrash,
do it to me!

Oh!

Kevin, quick,
you gotta stop him!

All right,
Daphne can stay,

but I want you two
outta here.

(glass breaks)

Kevin, you gotta
stop him, look!

(all scream)

(all screaming)

What's all that
shouting?

It's me.

Faking my orgasm
for you.

Hah! You missed.

Aah!

Aah!

Wait a second.

Aah!

Wait! Stop!
Come back!

(growling)

(all screaming)

** (chimes)

Will you still fake
your orgasms for me?

Fake this!

Hey, look!
There's Amy.

Oh!
Amy! Are you okay?

I'm not sure--
why am I dressed like

a rock video slut?

It's a long story,
I'll explain later.

I ask myself
the same question
every day.

You there!

Name, rank,
serial number!

Don't shoot me!
I'm just an employee.

I don't even book
the talent here.

Sergeant,
can't you stop him?

Why? This is the best
training he's ever had.

He could never get
this at boot camp.

You call that training?
He could kill somebody.

War isn't pretty.

Daphne and Nick are
still inside--

we gotta try
and help 'em.

Wait.

I have a special
mission for you.

You do?

Yes.

Have you ever considered
joining the USO?

The USO?

Yes, think of it.

Entertain the troops.

Doing your part
for our country.

A small but patriotic gesture
that would be appreciated

by our boys off fighting
around the world.

I'll do it!
Good!

You can start
right away.

I've got a truckload
of soldiers out in

the parking lot.

If you start now,
you can be finished

with them by morning.

What?!

Nick! Do something!
Your sergeant's after me!

Just-- just shoot him!

One war at
a time, babe.

Here-- help yourself.

Stop wasting time!

Nick!

Maybe I should
send Nick off

to some third-world
country.

That would give you
all the time that you need.

Let go of me!
Well, maybe I should

get Nick out of
the picture altogether.

Nick! This is your
sergeant speaking!

Save the troops!

Nick, no,
don't do it!
That's an order!

(explosion)

I love Burning Man!

I'm a season
ticket-holder.

Aah!

(screaming)

(screaming)

That truck of soldiers
is waiting outside.

It'll be
a dream come true.

(growling)

My dream can
come true right now!

Aah!

I-- I got
the last of 'em.

Thank God,
it's almost over.

Oh, God,
will ya lookit?

** (chimes)

Must've been
a rowdy crowd tonight.

Hey, hey, hey,
Miss Sincere,

you know,
I really liked

that show you were
doing inside.

Okay, scumball,
the show is over.

Why don't you just climb back
under your rock?

Daphne, I could've
done that.

Oh, sorry.

Amy, I want you
to know that

I'll always
be there for you.

Well, you know,
no one's ever really

noticed me before
like that.

I mean, I've always
just been thought of

as Daphne's friend.

This is the first time

somebody came up to me
like that.

I kinda liked it.

Amy, I meant
what I said.

And I'm gonna
prove it to you.

(starts engine)

(growling)

Where is he?

Mr. Comstock,
I wasn't sure if

you'd still be here
this late.

I'm on my way out the door,
what do you want now?

The creatures
have broken loose!

The same ones I tried
to warn you about

when I first
got my job here.

Are you gonna
try to tell me

that same story about
the hobgoblins again?

Yes, sir.

I'm glad you still
remember about them.

How could I forget
that nonsense?

Now get out of here
and get back to work.

But you don't
understand.

They broke loose
tonight.

They're out there
somewhere in the city.

I already sent

the other guard out
to try to find them.

What?
You mean to s--

There's no one manning
the front gate right now?

No, sir.
This is preposterous!

You do know that
if something were

to happen to this studio
while no one was on duty,

our insurance will
refuse to pay off?

Yes, sir.

Well then,
get back on your post!

You're not
listening!

I want to go out
and find him!

He must need
my help by now.

You are not going
to leave your job

to go out and chase
some foolishness.

If you walk off
this lot,

you are fired.

Well, good.

Saves me the trouble
of quitting.

Mr. McCreedy?

Hey there.

We have a score
to settle.

Amy, this time

I'm gonna
make you proud.

Aah!

Amy, I think Kevin's
proved his bravery.

Would you tell him to stop
before he kills himself?

For God's sake, Kevin,
stop before he kills you.

(grunts)

Sometimes
you win...

sometimes you lose.

(cocks gun)

No-- no!

(gunshot)

(growling)

** (chimes)

I'm sorry for
sending you out
on your own.

I should've know
the creatures would

try to destroy
you also.

Where are
they going now?

Back to their home
in the vault.

Hurry, there isn't
much time left.

Kevin, wait.

Don't take
too long.

I'll be waiting.

Let's go!

Oh, come on!

(low growling)

I was right
about them.

They're back inside.

(growling)

Well, maybe
we should get closer

and lock them
back inside again.

No, I've spent
30 years guarding them.

And I was fired from
my job tonight.

I won't be around here
to keep an eye on them.

You were fired?

Well...

maybe I could
guard them from now on.

Oh, no, I don't want you
to throw your life away

the way I had to.

There is a better way.

Oh, did you find them?

Yeah, they're back
inside the vault.

What're you gonna
do to them?

I don't know.

Kevin, did I ever tell you
what I did in the war?

No.
(chuckling)

Munitions.

(beeps)

(distant screams)

(clock tower bells)

Isn't it ironic
that they should pick

a movie studio
to land?

Unless they figured
they-- they belonged

in a dream factory.

You were
my hero tonight.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Daphne...

Yeah?

Well,
this is for you.

Really?

No one's ever given me
flowers before.

I'll bet there's
lots of things

I could show you
for the first time.

Nick.

Nick?
Nick?

Nick!

Daph! Baby!

Told you guys I had
everything under control.

Daphne?

Nicky?

(both)
Van!

(springs creak)

Hello,
Mr. Comstock.

Yes, I-- I realize
what time it is.

I'm sorry to wake you,
sir, but...

there's been
an accident

at the studio.

The film vault
blew up.

Yes, it-- the building
is still smoldering.

Oh, yes, I realize
about the insurance,

but you fired me
earlier.

There was
no one on duty...

when it happened.

What're you
talking about?

What do you mean,
"it blew up"?

It can't blow up...

Excuse me, sir.

Could I use your phone?

** (rock and roll)

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* I want you so bad

* I'm gonna die

* I can smell you
in my mind *

* Taste ya
in my soul *

* You're everything
that this boy *

* Could ever want

* Mmm, but you
left me for *

* Somebody new

* A graveyard
where jealousy *

* Can grow

* The memories
beat on *

* The walls

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* Desire starts
to pump *

* Through me

* Ah-drain
through my body *

* And I'm burnin' hot

* You're everything
that this boy *

* Could ever want

* But you left me for

* Somebody new

* A graveyard
where jealousy *

* Can grow

* The memories beat on

* The wall

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* So I sit in the tree

* By your room

* And I watch you
undress *

* Someone else

* My heart starts
to pound *

* Through my chest

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't
have you *

* Nobody can

* You're everything
that this boy *

* Could ever want *

** (muzak)

Just remember.

The next time
you see a movie

that's only rated PG,

I want you
to make it

rated X.

(laughing)

Oh...

Now it's time for
the 763rd

presentation of
the Elvie Awards!

Yes, the Elvie Award.

Suitable for a doorstop
or murder weapon.

The Elvie Award.

Presented to
the Best Performance

by a Hobgoblin
in a Movie.

And the nominees are...

Hobgoblin
Number One.

Hobgoblin
Number Two.

Hobgoblin
Number Three.

And Hobgoblin
Number Four.

Oh...

And the Elvie Award
goes to...

Hobgoblin
Number Two.

Oh! Congratulations,
Number Two.

Oh, God--

No-- I am not the--

No-- No!
I'm not the award!

Get out of here, get--

Oh, uh, yeah,

you're welcome,
I guess.

Everyone give it up
for Number Two, yay!

Okay.

Welp, I guess the moral
of this movie is...

your fantasies
will kill you.

But if that were the case,

I would've been dead
a long time ago.

Well, so, what'd you think
of "Hobgoblins"?

Wait, no, no,
don't text me.

I can read your mind,
remember?

Hmm... I know
what you're thinking.

You're thinking...

Elvira, why didn't you
tell me this movie was

so bad my husband
would leave me

and my son would
be arrested?

Uh, and I'm thinking,

they really don't have
anything to do with one another.

But I tried to warn ya.

But I still
don't understand.

Well, let's look on
the bright side.

if you were bright,
you wouldn't've been

in this movie
in the first place.

You'd've been out
doing something

productive with your time

like watching porno
on the internet

or baking cookies
or breaking into cars--

(car alarm blares)

Oh, just as long as
it's not my car.

Wait a second,
it is my car!

I swear, if somebody
stole my rims again,

they are
gonna have...

unpleasant dreams!

And my foot up
their ass.