Original subtitles

**

Hello, darlings. It's me, Elvira,

Mistress of the Dark.

I wanna start off the show with

a quick audience poll.

You know how I love to "poll" my audience.

Okay, how many of you had sex today?

Raise your hands.

Eww, I said raise your hands.

Okay-- and,

of those who did have sex,

how many of you had sex with another person?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Now I know why so many of you are wearing glasses.

And how many of you

are into demonic toys?

You know, personally, I thought Cabbage Patch Kids

and Beanie Babies were demonic,

'cause I like my toys to make

the "b-b-b-b-br" sound.

Hah! Yeah, I mean,

I played with Tickle-Me-Elmo

more than I care to mention.

Elmo, if you're out there watching,

call me.

Well, I hate to give away the ending, but really,

I'm going to have to.

No!

No... (sobbing)

Hey, if you don't wanna hear it,

just cover your ears and say "la-la-la-la-la."

Okay, here's the ending.

(Elvira voice-over) La-la-la-la-la...

La-la-la-la-la...

La-la-la-la-la...

La-la-la-la-la...

La-la-la-la-la...

And they all die happily ever after.

Actually, I slept through this entire movie twice,

and I still don't get it.

It's the toys.

Someone's inside the toys.

Oh... now I get it.

And now I don't.

But it doesn't really matter if I get it or not.

Just as long as you do.

And boy, are you ever gonna get it.

No!

No... (sobbing)

Yes! Yes!

She needs a time-out.

'cause now it's time to play with

"Demonic Toys."

** (ominous strings)

(clocks ticking)

All right, this movie's gonna rock!

Around the clock.

I win.

I win.

War.

(clocks ticking)

I win.

I win.

War.

(woman) And that's where it always ends.

That's a pretty weird dream, Jude.

I see all sorts of Freudian possibilities there.

Probably some sort of sexual thing, you know?

Probably!

You know, I knew we should've never moved in together.

You don't take me seriously anymore.

We were right to move in together,

and... now that you mention it,

maybe we should get married.

Look, I got nothing against marriage.

It's just that, you know, we should get married

when we're ready to have kids, you know?

Do you want kids?

I mean, 'cause we never really

talked about it or anything.

Yeah, sure, someday, y'know?

Oh, --.

(chuckling)

Oh man, where are they?

Relax, they'll be here.

I've been through this a million times.

You'll get used to it.

They always like to come late, keep the other guy waiting.

You know, Matt,

sometimes you don't

pick up on things right away.

Hey, it'll be okay. This'll be a piece of cake.

Like now, for instance.

I'm trying to tell you something.

What?

I asked you how you feel about having a kid for a reason.

Are-- are you pregnant?

I found out this morning.

Well, that's great!

I'm gonna be a dad!

Why didn't you tell me this before?

You shouldn't be here tonight.

Oh --, here they are.

Look, you stay in the car, let me take care of this.

Oh, don't be stupid, Matt. You got your piece?

Yeah, but I just think it'd be better if you--

Then let's dance.

Cable. Miss me?

Oh yeah, Lincoln, with a fire that

burns deep in my loins.

Me too. Must be love.

(chuckling)

Who's the femme?

It's my investor.

I'll take a bite.

-- you.

Meow!

(laughing)

Are you gonna show us something?

Or are you gonna stand here and jerk us off all night?

Hey, Hesse, I love this guy.

I really do.

Yeah, I'm gonna show you something.

Come on.

Knockoffs from Indonesia.

The good stuff.

Single action.

Fully adjustable rear sight.

Walnut stock.

And best of all...

no serial numbers. (laughing)

Clean as a whistle.

Or a baby's bottom.

Hey, knock it off, Lincoln.

Whatever floats your boat.

(Hess) We get these babies outta Russia.

Sell a lot to the cartels.

Bang-bang, "cherno."

(both laughing)

Hey!

No clip, man.

All right.

How much?

40 K for the whole lot.

What do you say?

I, uh... I say

you're under arrest.

Ugh!

Matt! Matt! Oh, --!

Oh, baby, no...

No...

Oh, God.

You bastards!

God damn you!

Oh God... I'm hit.

Lincoln, Lincoln, wait--

Lincoln!

Lincoln!

Lincoln, I'm hit!

Lincoln! Sorry, guy.

Lincoln, help me!

Get the -- away from me!

(groaning)

Hey! He's over here!

Perfect body...

Mmm.

(radio voice) Now... almost enough.

It's 11:43...

(thudding)

(phone ringing)

That'll be Charnetski.

How do you know?

'Cause he always orders at this time.

Here, let me have it.

Thank you for calling Chunky Chicken.

The best chicken in town.

Take your order, please?

Get off the phone, Hammerhead,

and let me talk to Mark.

It's for you.

'sup, Charnetski?

The regular. Legs and breasts.

None of that wing --.

And bring me plenty of honey

for my -- roll this time.

You assholes always skimp on that.

Would you like that extra-crispy or chunk style?

Take a guess.

Uh... chunk style.

That's my boy.

Now get off your -- and bring me my food.

You got it.

Mr. Wayne. Mr. Wayne?

Is that a cigarette in your mouth?

No, it's your --.

You wanna put it out, please?

This instant.

I don't think I like your attitude, Mister.

Yeah, well, I guess that makes two of us.

He was being verbally abusive

to me, Mr. Peterson.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to deliver Charnetski his food.

I wanna talk to you about your attitude.

It is not acceptable.

Now, I want you to make sure

you come right on back here, Mister.

Well, maybe I won't come back.

Maybe I'll just plow your -- chicken-mobile

into the river.

How'd you like that?

** (radio rock and roll)

(tires screech)

(panting)

Oh, man...

I'm in trouble...

(low humming)

-- toys.

(chuckling)

(growling)

(whirring)

(footsteps)

Aah!

Aah!

(both grunting)

Aah!

You're under arrest, asshole.

(chuckling)

So you're cops, huh?

Well, I guess I nailed your partner

a good one out there, didn't I?

(laughing)

Shut up!

It's okay, it's okay,

'cause I'm gonna be out on bail

by the end of the night--

This whole -- thing is entrapment!

Man, won't this guy ever die?

** ("Pop Goes the Weasel")

(moaning)

(giggling)

(giggling)

(cackling)

(screams)

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

(laughing)

(screaming)

Ahh...

(growling)

Aah!

Welp, that'll teach you to give someone the finger.

Mmm! Finger food.

Hi, guy.

Thanks for coming.

I've been sleeping for a long time.

Waiting for someone just like you to wake me.

We're gonna have a lot of fun here

tonight, friend.

We're going to raise Hell.

(chuckling)

(whirring)

Aah! Aah...

(distant screaming)

What the -- was that?

Your partner?

How the -- should I know, Miss Cop?

(screaming on TV)

--.

--.

What's going on, lady? We're locked in.

Oh, that's -- brilliant!

Brilliant, lady, what are we gonna do now?

We wait till morning. Wait?

No-no-no-no-no, -- that noise, lady.

You get me the ---- out of here, now!

Now! 'Cause I got my rights, lady!

You gotta take me into county!

I get to make a phone call!

I get to talk to my -- lawyer!

You don't get --!

You killed my partner.

You're lucky I don't put a bullet in your-- head

and call it self-defense!

** (rock and roll)

** (bouncy music on TV)

(console beeping)

** (rock and roll)

(console beeping)

That you, kid?

No, it's the Hillside Strangler-- let me in.

Hold your pants on.

Jesus...

(engine sputters)

(thudding)

Hey! Hey, you! Up here!

Hey, you, up here!

Hey! Hey!

** (rock and roll)

Hey, up here!

(groaning)

You're a -- genius, lady.

Lot of good that did.

Now there you are. Took ya long enough.

Heh, took me the same amount of time

it takes me every night.

There you go, 12:00 Right on the dot.

Hmph.

Want a beer, kid?

Oh, take a guess.

Thanks.

Hey...

did you see Miss July?

Ooh, not yet.

Wrap your eyeballs around that.

Oh, wow.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Yeah, and something else.

Phew.

Bugs!

Ugh, --, I hate 'em.

Son of a bitches.

Ugh!

(woman screaming)

Well, kid. How's work?

Oh... it's a -- joke.

Chunky Chicken, Christ.

Peterson runs around like he's got a board

shoved up his -- the whole time.

Well, what do I tell you?

The world is a toilet.

And all the people in it are assholes.

The -- economy.

It's a joke.

You gotta do like I do.

Find yourself a niche and brick yourself in.

Take my job.

I mean, I sit on my --.

I watch the television.

Take a little hair of the old pooch.

That's the life.

Take this iguana guy, for instance.

Iguana?

Yeah, this guy goes down to Costa Rica,

starts raising the little bastards.

Finds they take up less space,

and they taste just like chicken.

Mmm. Everything tastes just like chicken,

you ever noticed that?

Frog legs, snakes,

even rabbits taste like chicken.

Everything except this --.

(chuckling)

We're --, lady.

Nobody knows we're up here, nobody's gonna hear us up here.

No-- no no--

(distant gunshots)

Did you hear that?

(distant gunshots) What?

Somebody oughta hear that.

(woman screaming)

(TV mutes)

Maybe I better go out and check, huh?

Well, you are the security guard.

Yeah...

It could be a cat or something, right?

Could be.

Yeah, could be.

I'm gonna tell you something.

If it's a bum, I'm gonna kick his --.

There nothing in this place to steal

except some -- old toys.

You stay here, kid.

Wait a minute, what if someone comes back here when you're gone?

There's an old shotgun there in the locker.

I'd rather take my chances with you.

Your choice, kid. Hang close.

Anybody there?

I don't think there's anything here.

I could've sworn I heard something, man.

I don't know...

(distant thudding)

It's the storage room.

Anybody?

Open up!

Open the door!

Who the hell's in there?

I'm a cop, open the door!

Yeah? Let me see some identification.

You happy? Open the door.

Yeah, hold your pants on.

What the hell are you doing there?

The door swung shut and locked us in.

Didn't you hear screaming and gunshots?

Yeah.

Look, I chased two men into your warehouse.

One of them's wounded, maybe dead.

The other one's handcuffed back here.

Holy Christ...

What the -- are you looking at?

What the hell did he do?

He killed my partner.

No --?

(laughing)

Look, I'm gonna need a phone to call for backup.

No, it's dead, I tried it.

No sweat, we can use the one in my office.

Look, you're gonna have to do it for me, I--

I can't leave him. What about the other guy?

He's still out there, right? Yeah, but he's hurt badly.

Look, call the Jackson precinct, all right?

My name's Grey. Tell him there's an officer down.

Let him know that it's a code 30, all right?

Right. You know how to use that gun?

I was in Korea.

Lady, I can handle myself.

Christ, what a night.

Here.

Close the door and don't open it

until I get back.

You stay there and keep watch.

Sure.

If you move at all...

I'll kill you.

Ahh! He just moved, shoot him!

--bitch! (chuckling)

(distant laughing)

(distant laughing)

(growling)

(snarling)

(distant laughing)

Uh, I thought the Bears only played football.

He tripped!

What?

He's getting up.

Okay...

He's all right. Probably a little drunk.

Hi, ya fat --!

I'm Baby Oopsy-Daisy.

You lardass!

Will you be my special friend?

What the hell?

I can walk, I can talk,

I can even -- my pants.

Huh? Can you -- your pants?

Play time!

Aah!

Oh, my God, somebody shot him!

Get back!

Aah...

you son of a bitch, you shot my leg!

Oopsy-daisy.

(cackling)

Mmmm...

pop goes the -- weasel!

(moaning)

Aah!

(giggling)

(growling)

(cackling)

(rattling)

Hmm, I wonder if security guards

taste like chicken.

Look out!

Get the gun!

(screaming)

Watch the door.

Get up. Get up!

Bitch!

(growling)

(cackling)

Oh!

Charnetski!

Oops!

(screaming, gurgling)

(cackling)

Charnetski-- the toys!

Oh, --!

Lock it!

Get me the -- outta here!

--! Lock it!

Jesus Christ, lady, uncuff me, God damn it!

(Oopsy-Daisy straining)

(muffled laughing)

Somebody put Crack in that baby's formula.

You're heavy, you Moby -- Dick.

Oh --...

Somebody wanna tell me what the -- is going on here?!

It's the toys.

Someone's inside the toys.

Hmm, isn't it usually the other way around?

Who are you? My name's Ann.

How'd you get in here?

Through there.

Been sleeping here the last couple of nights.

Runaway?

Yeah. I guess you could say that.

Got a dad who likes to use me for batting practice.

Yeah, well, how come you didn't come out till now?

Been watching you.

Look, things got kinda weird around here.

Figured my chances were better off if I hung out

with you.

Mmm, nice outfit.

Polyester looks real good with leather.

Very funny.

Do you have any idea what's going on out there?

It's the toys. They're alive.

Toys?! Toys?

Did you see what they did to Charnetski?

Jesus Christ, they tore him apart!

Quiet. We gotta get out of here!

This is --, we gotta get--

Stop. Ow.

You're not helping things, all right?

Okay.

Oh-- baby Picasso in his yellow period.

(cackling)

Now, the toys have not come to life.

The -- teddy bear looked pretty alive to me.

You saw it.

They're all over the warehouse.

They're locking us in.

There has to be another explanation.

Like what?

I don't know.

Lady, you are some kind of cop,

let me tell ya.

Look, do either of you know what this place is?

Yeah,

yeah, it's a warehouse for overstocked toys,

-- like that.

Well, you were friends with the night watchman.

You must know where the exits are.

It wouldn't matter. This place is

chained tight till the morning.

Only way out's through the loading doors.

And they're opened from the office.

Okay, okay, he shot-- he shot the locks off

one of those chains-- we can go out that exit.

The door on the north end? Uh-uh.

They blocked that off after you came through.

That's when I first saw them.

--.

They're evil spirits, you know?

I don't believe in evil spirits.

Well, you'd better.

This place is haunted.

The spirits are inside the toys.

God damn it, I don't believe

any of this --!

Oh my God...

What's the matter?

Look at the floor.

You see?

What do you want?

Who do you want dead?

This isn't funny anymore, guys.

(muffled laughter)

(groaning)

(muffled laughter)

(strange voice) Are we having fun yet?

I need your bodies.

I need flesh and blood.

Stop it.

Peel off your skin, chew up your bones!

Stop it!

(clocks ticking)

War.

And I need you most of all...

Judith.

Did you see him?

That's the little boy I've been dreaming about.

Look!

Look, we gotta get out of here, it's that simple!

I can't handle this ghost --!

All right.

Okay, uh... all right.

All right, if we can get to

the security office, all right,

can you get the loading doors open?

Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there?

Can you get there through those air conditioning shafts?

Yeah, I can find the way.

All right, then the two of you

will have to go

and get out there and bring help.

So why don't you come with us?

I can't, I have to bring him in.

Why?

Because it's my job.

Yeah? Well, I'm not too crazy about this idea.

See, I got this thing about crawling around

in small, dark places,

especially with those things out there.

Well, I can't leave him here.

Okay.

Okay, come on.

What, are you chicken?

Hey, don't ever mention the word "chicken"

to me again.

You coming?

You must be part-snake or something.

Just keep moving.

What the hell was he talking about

back there, anyway?

There's a demonic power here.

I can feel it. Must be some sort of

Satanic ritual or something.

Must be trying to conjure something up.

Probably needs human blood for something like that.

Oh, great.

Sorry I asked.

Bet you're sorry you ran away, huh?

They don't care about me.

They never cared anything about me.

Look, let's go.

(voice) Judith...

Oh, Judith?...

Paging Judith!

Uh, Judith?

Hello? Hello?

Judith? In here!

In here, Judith!

In here, that's right.

In here, Judith.

(deep register) Hello, Judith.

Where are we?

Inside the doll's house.

It's part of the astral plane.

This is where I live.

For the time being.

This isn't real.

This isn't real.

It's real enough.

I brought you here

so we could have a chat.

Who are you?

A spirit.

Just like your little friend said.

A bad one, too.

You look like a little boy to me.

Oh? I could take any form I want to.

I can be this.

Oh! (growling)

Ugh!

(laughing) No!

(cackling)

Oh... no...

(sobbing)

But I like this form best of all.

Don't you?

Oh, God.

God has nothing to do with this, Judith.

Actually, let's scratch the word "God" from

our lexicon altogether.

Let's talk demons instead.

How much -- longer?

Almost there.

(grumbling, horn)

What is that?

Can you see?

(horns blare)

What the hell are they?

They're some kind of watchdogs.

They're not real, they're not like the toys,

they're-- they're like some kind of hallucination, you know?

They can't hurt you.

(horns)

How do you know?

I ran into one earlier.

It hit me, and it just disappeared.

Oh --, they've seen us!

We're not part of your physical world.

We feed off your fear.

Your pain. Your deaths.

But that's not enough to satisfy me.

You know what I really want, Judith?

A body to hang my soul in.

A real body.

Blood and bones.

What're you talking about?

(sighing) Right now,

I'm weak.

My spirit is bound by the walls of this warehouse.

It's taking all my strength

just to animate these toys.

Even that took 66 years of rest.

66 years since the last time

I tried to be born.

(woman moaning)

(muffled voices)

You're almost there...

(moaning)

(man) Breathe with me now!

Breathe deeply, that's right, dear.

That's all right.

You're gonna be all right.

(moaning)

Oh, he's not gonna make it.

Such a beautiful child.

It's no use.

Oh... He's dead.

Better luck next time, little friend.

Perhaps we'll meet another time.

Don't blame yourself, dear.

You... you did

the best you could.

(knocking at door)

I'll see who it is.

Trick 'r treat!

Goodness!

What wonderful costumes!

Darling, see?

No-- would you like something better than candy?

Yeah!

Good, I have a very special surprise for you.

Now, he is like a seed.

And you must plant him

and take very good care of him,

do you understand? Yes.

Come, dear. Now, that way,

he will grow big and strong

and, oh, when he's ready,

he will find a little baby

to grow inside of,

and then he can finally be born.

Thank you!

(all screaming)

Trick 'r treat!

Tricks are for kids!

I've been imprisoned in that corpse for 66 years.

Waiting for something to set me free.

Your friend's blood did the trick.

You see, in order for me to take on a human form,

I have to be born by a human.

At the moment of birth,

I ride shotgun down the old birth canal,

and I come out instead, Judith.

Or should I call you "Mom?"

What the hell are you talking about?

You know-- have you forgotten so soon?

What?

You're pregnant.

31 days, to be exact.

That's why I've lured you here.

Oh, no...

(thunder booms)

I'm gonna be a dad, Jude.

We should've never moved in together.

You just don't take me seriously anymore.

(sobbing)

Oh, Matt... oh, baby, help me.

(cackling)

Even now, I'm taking care of

your friends in the air conditioning shafts.

After I'm done with them--

No! then I'll come for you.

Then we can do the nasty.

No.

No!... (sobbing)

But don't worry, Judith.

The pain won't last long.

I'll speed up the birth.

You can be the proud mother

of a brand-new demon by sunrise.

No!

Then blood's really gonna run.

(whirring)

* Mares eat oats and does eat oats *

* And little lambs eat ivy *

Oh, -- "Mairzy Doats."

I like you, will you be

my special friend?

Playtime!

Aah!

Bummer!

Aah!

-- you, you little --!

Come on!

Uh...

Look out!

(cackling)

Hey, you're -- up my makeup!

(laughing)

Mmm, smells like babyback ribs!

Whoa, whoa...

Oh, man! Try the phone! The phone!

Oh, --, it's dead-- we're trapped,

what the -- are we gonna do?

(cackling echoes) Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

The gun! Charnetski's got a shotgun in the closet.

Hurry! Come on!

I'm -- hurrying!

It's okay... it's over.

No... it's not.

It's not over.

Welcome to Jack-in-the-Box's drive-through window!

Aah! Aah! (cackling)

Oh, God, help!

(groaning)

Don't look down!

Never go to a baby for Lasik surgery.

Aah!

(Jack screaming)

(Anne screaming)

(cackling)

(cackling)

Anne...

Oopsy-daisy.

(chuckling)

Missed me!

Oh, God...

(groaning)

(boy) Give it up, Mark.

Each death just makes me stronger.

I'm a demon kid. It's my specialty.

How do you want your death served up to you?

You want that chunk style

or extra-crispy?

Everything you've seen up to now has only been

a warm-up.

Wait till I really get rolling.

(bicycle horns)

They're not real.

Hello, Mark.

Now, Mark...

you're not shy, are you?

Sort of brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

And you thought the puppets looked fake.

(demon's voice) Are we having fun yet?

It's not real!

Oh, they're real, all right--

real fake.

Oh, God! Oh!

(demon's laughter)

Oh!

(laughter continuing)

(ball bouncing)

I'll take that. (groaning)

(laughing)

You know, I was just saying to myself,

Lincoln, old boy, you need yourself a gun--

and look what happens.

Mr. Fast Food King himself comes strolling

around the corner with the answer to my prayers.

(laughing)

How did-- How?

I played the old Houdini act

on your lady friend back there, chicken boy.

Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! (laughing)

(gunshot) Yeah! (laughing)

Hmm. Now it's time to take care of you, little buddy.

Wait a minute, man. We've got to stick together.

Those things are everywhere.

I'm just doing what the voices inside my head

tell me to do, kid, so if they say,

blow your -- brains out,

I'll blow your -- brains out!

Nothing personal, you understand.

I just haven't been myself lately.

* A kid'll eat ivy too

(gunshot) Uhh!

Just when things were getting interesting.

You okay?

Thought you said you wanted to bring him in alive.

I lied.

* Who's the little chatterbox *

* The one with all the golden locks *

Shut the -- up!

(gunshot) Uhh!

(laughing)

(grunting)

I'm getting sick of this in a major -- way!

Come on, we've got to get out of here.

Where's Anne? Dead.

She, uh-- she got nailed in the office.

Okay, then it's just the two of us.

Let's do it.

If the toys got in the loading door controls,

there's no way out of here 'til the morning.

No, we can't wait till the morning.

That thing is getting stronger by the minute.

I don't understand what the hell that thing wants from us.

My baby. What?

I'm pregnant.

This thing came to me in my mind

and told me what he wanted.

He wants to take over my unborn child.

Then why the hell does he need the rest of us?

'Cause each death makes him more powerful.

Well, that's great. That's just -- perfect!

I have to get my head blown off

'cause some junior demon has a -- hard-on for you?

It's not my fault!

Maybe I should just save him the trouble and kill myself.

(demon's voice) Why don't you?

Shut the -- up! I wasn't talking to you--

(gunshot)

Let's get out of here.

Almost time.

(laughing)

(whirring)

Charge!

(gunshot) --!

You got me. I'm dyin'.

(laughing)

You're -- dead! (gunshot)

(gunshot)

(gunshot)

(gunshot)

(gunfire)

Pull!

(growling)

(gunfire)

(groaning)

Nice-- you just ruined Christmas

for dozens of demonic children.

(groaning)

(Oopsy-Daisy) You can't kill me.

Oh, give me a break. I can't believe it.

Mother of Satan!

Could this be the -- end

of Baby Oopsy-Daisy?

So -- what?!

(gunshot)

(growling)

Jesus Christ.

(growling continues)

Oh, my God!

Aah!

(grunting)

(gunfire)

I win.

I win.

War.

War.

(growling)

Hi, Jude.

You know I only have eyes for you.

No!

Oh!

(laughing)

No.

(groaning)

No!

(groaning)

No! No! No! (sobbing)

(moaning) No... No.

Matt. (crying)

(groaning)

(sobbing)

Hello, Jude. So glad you could make it.

You know, it just wouldn't be a show without you.

No! Oh, God, help me!

This isn't so bad, is it?

(Jude) No, please! No! (crying)

My dear friend Mr. Cable was nice enough to tie you up.

Or should I call him "Dad"?

All right, you little --! I've had enough of this!

Now let the lady go!

Hi, Mark, thanks for coming.

(growling)

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Let me slip into something a little more comfortable

before the fun begins.

There.

Ah! That's much better.

No! (sobbing)

Relax. I'm going to make you give birth to me, Judith.

You might even enjoy this.

First I'm gonna crawl on top of you and do the nasty.

Then I'll be inside your womb.

(crying)

(growling)

I'm going to eat the soul of your baby

and take his shell for my own.

Then I'll induce labor.

Before the night is through,

I'll be born in a human body,

flesh and blood.

No! (crying)

(growling) --!

(gunshot) (growling)

(engine sputtering)

Such a pretty mother you're going to make.

I've waited 66 years for this,

trapped in the earth on this very spot.

No, no, no!

(growling)

Don't worry your pretty little head.

It'll all be over soon.

You won't survive the birth, of course. No!

I can assure you of that.

Aah! (sobbing)

Come on, car! (pounding)

Come on!

(growling)

(tires squealing)

(crying)

Yay, it's the Special Ops Nutcracker!

You? No! That's impossible!

(gunfire)

(screaming)

(tires squealing)

Here I come, you --!

(demon wailing)

Get away from her!

(groaning)

Okay, you kids need a time-out.

Ace tops King. I win.

(grunting)

(groaning)

It's okay now, Mom.

Everything's okay. We won.

Who are you?

I'm your son-- the son you're going to have.

The demon's gone back to hell.

Maybe he'll try to steal another baby's soul.

I don't understand.

I'm a spirit too,

since I haven't been born yet--

not for another eight months--

but I couldn't let him kill you, Mom.

I didn't want to grow up to be evil,

so I found a way to help.

So, I became a toy soldier.

What's your name?

You haven't given me one yet.

I have to go now, Mom, but I'll see you soon.

Bye, Mom.

It's over, isn't it?

Who were you talking to?

My little boy.

My little boy.

Good-bye, soldier boy. Write me from Iraq.

(snoring)

No, I said, don't wake me till it's over!

It's over, isn't it?

Oh.

Are you sure it's over?

No, it's not.

Well, is it over or not?

No! No! (sobbing)

Well, I'm over it.

Heck, I can't hang out here all the time--

even though most of the time I'm here, I'm hanging out.

I have places to go and people to be,

because sometimes even I get sick of being me.

I mean, I can't even go anywhere

without having my picture taken.

See what I mean?

It's not easy being me.

Sure, I make it look easy, but that's because

I've had years of experience being easy.

Anyway, it's time for me to ease on out of here

and ease into a nice, hot bubble bath

with my little rubber ducky.

(duck farting)

Ew. So that's where all the bubbles come from.

Well, I wish you all could join us,

but that would even give me...

unpleasant dreams.

**