Original subtitles

-Howdy.

Can you help me to buy some tinny, Lowie?

Everybody thinks they know their history.

Not as well as I do.

I was there in, '76.

1776.

Don't believe me, do you?

I sure was.

I knew the best of them,

Washington,

Jefferson,

Franklin,

Revere.

I saw America

get born.

You know, I could tell you a thing or two about the Revolution.

Huh?

Come with me.

Look at that ocean out there, them pretty boats.

If I look at them much longer, I'm going to throw up all over myself.

Never could stand the ocean.

Oh, God, my feet are killing me.

History books only give you half of it.

Washington, Jefferson, oh, all of them great men.

I knew them all.

We had some great times

right here in New England.

Now you, looky here and listen.

I'll tell you what really happened.

I can tell you all about the real spirit of '76.

-Martha. Martha, come here. I must talk to you.

-General Washington.

It was a wonder to see you walking after last night.

-Oh, it was nice, was it not?

A new day has dawned.

Look, we have a wee bit of time before I engage the British.

How about a little--

-George, I have no bloody time for a roll in the hay.

The chickens must be fed,

the cows must be milked,

and I have to make tea for the quilting bee.

-I have a twitch that must be itched.

We're not going to squabble, are we?

-Well--

-Okay, fine. It's settled then.

Over by the cherry tree in the orchard, five minutes.

-Which cherry tree?

-I'm glad you asked me that.

Beyond the spacious skies, right at the amber waves of grain,

east of the purple mountains' majesty, and right at the fruited plains.

You can't miss it.

-The wars would be better won were it fought in bed.

George? -Yes, my Martha.

Martha look, I've made the cover of Time Magazine.

A bit of a celebrity, I am, huh?

Yes.

Terrific.

Look George, I've only got a few moments to waste on this foolishness.

Let's get on with that twitch of yours, huh?

-Okay.

This is time to see to the needs of our country.

Yes.

-Oh, George.

What'd I tell you.

Wasn't George was a hell of a guy?

Well, come on, there's some other people I want you to meet.

Paul Revere.

Now there's a nutcase for you, riding through the city, waking

everybody and his brother up.

He was a hell of a guy, though.

Look at that statue they gave him.

Pretty nice, huh?

It's a shame it's got 200 years of pigeon shit all over it.

He used to love to drink and fuck around.

Why, now there's a guy who loved his women anytime, anyplace.

He had a signal which he hung in the north church back there

to tell his girlfriend where to meet him.

One of by land and two of by sea.

You might think that was a warning about the British.

Bullshit.

It was a signal for his girlfriend to meet him in the woods or in the harbor.

-Hey, Paul Revere. You ain't no gentleman.

You ain't always trying to play with me buns, you are.

-Yes, because you have such lovely buns.

-Oh, you can't tell so much outside, Mr. Canyon.

-No, but I'm a connoisseur and I know good buns when I see them,

be they under wraps or not.

-Oh, those lovely woods.

-It is pretty, isn't it, but not half as pretty as you.

Walk over me so that I might catch a quick glimpse of your ass.

-Oh Paul.

-Oh, that was good, that was.

-Oh, I should say so.

Oh.

-I've got some twigs in me briches.

Let's go over to my place and finish it off.

-Oh, I'd love to finish it off with you.

-It's right over the next hill.

-Over the rise, as they say.

-Washington should see us now.

He's probably out playing catch the red coat, buffoon.

-Oh, I don't know.

I think he's rather nice.

His wooden teeth did give me splinters.

-Splinters? I'll have to be careful.

-Oh, fear not. I will accommodate thee well.

-Let us tarry no longer.

The evening grows short.

That fool John Hancock's coming over for a late dinner.

-Oh, a threesome.

-Oh, you wouldn't enjoy John.

The only thing big about him is his signature.

-Oh, you're just jealous.

-Not on your life.

I'm a bigger man than any of those revolutionaries.

-We'll see about that.

-Right there, right there.

-Do you like that?

-Do I like that? -Does it feel good?

-Oh, does it feel good? It feels very good.

Just don't stop.

-Put it in thy mouth.

Oh.

Oh, that feels good,

and right around the edge, love.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, you're the best.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

All the way.

Oh, you're good.

-Keep doing it.

-Oh, Paul.

Oh, give it to me.

Come on, get down on me.

Harder, daddy.

Harder, daddy.

-Let me hear you come.

The British are coming.

The British are coming.

The British are coming.

Oh, the British are coming.

-Oh, god, that's so good.

-Amy-

-Ah, Boston, the birthplace of Ben Franklin, the inventor.

He could invent anything.

This wacko got his nuts off flying kites.

Well, we're out fighting a war, and he's out playing with himself.

Degenerate bastard.

Oh: my'

-Excuse me.

Are you the very famous Dr. Ben Franklin?

-Oh, yes, indeed, I am.

-Oh dear, kind sir, you must help me.

-What can I do for thee, my child?

-It's complicated.

General Washington told me only you could solve my problem.

-He did? He did?

-Not only did he say that you were indeed the finest inventor in the colonies,

but also its resident lecher. -He did?

Oh, how nice.

Oh well, tell me, my child, what is it I can do for thee?

-Well, it is me crumpets.

-Thy crumpets? -Me crumpets.

Oh, well, me little Wench, what is wrong with thy crumpet?

-My lovers have all tried their best, but I can't get me crumpets off.

-Thee has come to the right person.

-I have?

-Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, indeed.

-Then, you can help me?

-Yes, my latest invention.

Here, hold my kite.

Let's see, it must be here someplace.

I know I had it with me when I came on my--

Let's see, maybe it's in this pocket here.

Of course, that's not it, how silly of me.

Let's see, I may have put it in here though.

Oh, no, that's tipsy stomach, you know.

Let's see now, I know I've got it here somewhere.

Oh my, my, my, let's see, I hope the cat didn't have it.

Let's see, somewhere.

Oh, yes, here it is, my child.

Go ahead and take a little nibble, it'll be all right.

-Pray tell, good doctor, what have thee there?

-It is a crumpet stuff er. -It is interesting.

What does they do with it?

-I stuff it in thy crumpet, in and out, in and out.

-To tell the truth, Dr. Franklin, I think it's strange.

-Here, let me show thee.

Lift thine skirt. Oh, my, my, such pretty legs.

Oh, my, such a pretty beaver.

I think we'll make that the symbol of Oregon someday.

Now round and round the little or um pet stuff er goes,

round and round and round. Oh, my, my, my.

Now we wind the string of the kite.

Let's see, here it is now, winding round and round the little crumpet stuff er.

-You see.

-Here we go.

-Oh, my.

-It's good. -Oh, so firm.

Oh, my dear.

-Oh, Dr. Franklin.

-Suck it. Oh, yes.

-Oh, here I am out in the water again.

Oh god.

If I throw up one more time on my undershirt, oh, well.

My pappy used to hang out around here with a guy named John Garbanzo.

You know him as John Smith, so does the local Holiday Inn.

He used to fuck around on his wife a lot.

John Smith,

can you believe a fucking name like that?

Now here was a guy who was really into Indian broads.

Now one day he was riding through the woods with a half a hard on,

looking for somewhere to put it, when he spied a great set of tits

riding through the forest.

He wanted his women like his coffee, hot and black.

Degenerate bastard.

Me, Captain John Smith.

Thou?

-Pocahontas.

-Boy, has thou got great tits.

I'd give a years pay to fuck.

-Now you're talking the kind of trash I like to hear, my man.

-What say thee?

-You know what I'm talking, spaghetti bender.

I ain't talking no pasta and berry sauce.

You want to pack my crack?

You boot me some loot, zoot suit.

-That was understood every word I'd said.

-Every syllable.

-Are you sure you're an Indian? -Hey, don't blow my cover.

I'm a Manhattan Indian up from 42nd Street.

-Hey, wait a minute now.

We got to talk a little business first.

-Anything. Just anything.

God, my hemorrhoids are killing me.

If you had hemorrhoids as long as I have had them,

you'd know what a pain in the ass really is.

Oh, looky there.

Well, the population hasn't changed since I was a kid.

That's weird.

Oh well, come on.

This is the bridge that the Minutemen used to cross to meet their wenches.

You know, I knew three of them personally.

The one who were in that famous picture you've all seen.

These were some fun-loving guys.

Always out for a good time.

You probably all wondered how the Minutemen really got their name.

Well, let me show you.

-It's quite fine out here, today. -Oh, it's a nice day, isn't it?

-Why don't you leave it on, fella?

-Nice job, nice job.

-What do you say? You want to hear some? You want to hear some?

A little song I learned up the street. -Play.

-Would you like to dance? Oh, good.

-Did you hear a noise?

-What's going on?

-It's soldiers.

-Oh, ho, just what we need.

Hi.

-Hello.

Mighty fine-looking lads you are.

-Not bad-looking themselves.

-Come on over here.

Don't be shy.

-I want the one in the red.

-Oh, yes, quite, quite, yes.

Hello. -Hello.

-Hello there. -I say there...

-Well, now, what say you young ladies come have a yard of ale with us here,

fighting boys?

-Fighting boys, my ass.

Only fighting you've been doing is with your own self.

-Oh, poppycock, poppycock.

You girls been missing out on lots of fun, now, haven't they, boys?

It's been a long time since you met studs like us.

-Hey, soldier boy, I like your style.

What say, we get together over the old barn on the edge of town?

-Hey, don't waste your time there, brother.

These here girls are going to stand us up.

-Zeb, let's go on over to that there cat house and screw

those witches over there.

What do you say, huh? -Hey, hey. Hold on, boy.

Zeb has business to take care of.

Now, let's say about 9:00, by the by.

-What's the address? -Hey, what's that?

-Just my pulsar digital hourglass.

My father picked it up for me in Cartiers of Mercantile.

-Right on.

-Tho art very hip.

Don't you be worrying about the address.

You boys is horny enough to smell us out.

See you about 9:00.

-Right you are.

Doggies.

-Come on, boys.

-Don't worry, Missy.

Your sister knows what she's about.

-I don't know.

Ma always said you were the crazy one and I think she was right.

-Well, if you're going to be such a prude about it, you can go over there

in the corner and watch. -Watch what?

-I can take on all three of those guys and still have enough left

over for the Continental Army.

-God, you're crude.

-You sure are a sweet little thing, aren't you?

When's the last time anybody got into your little panties?

-What's that supposed to mean?

It's been such a long day.

Why end it the long way?

Let's stay awake all night and watch the stars.

It's been such a long day.

Why end it the long way?

Let's stay awake all night and watch the stars.

It's been such a long day.

Why end it the long way?

Let's stay awake all night and watch the stars.

-Hey, what's going on in here?

-Come on up. It's 9:00 right here.

-We're in here.

Come on in.

-All right, come on.

-That is, if you think you can make it?

-Oh. -I think we can make it, sweetheart.

You don't worry about that.

-Just letting you know, I'm going first.

-Oh, God.

Check it out.

-It's been way too long, lassies.

-They probably couldn't live without us.

-Right.

-Your cocks have now arrived.

-Is that all there is, three of you?

This won't take long, you can wait back there.

-Damn, that's the best lay I've ever had, lassie.

-Oh, let her go, brother.

We can fuck this here Wench.

-Right, a hole is a hole

- is a hole is a hole. - Come here, lassie.

I'd like to dip my stick a wee bit.

-You're a sweet talking bastard, aren't you?

Well, gentlemen, what'll it be, one at a time or all together?

-Well, Wench, your sister takes notes, now we'll see if you can take on the lot.

-Right, and if she can't, there's a cat house right around the corner.

-You've got some nerve.

-That just looks like it's Christmas.

Whoa-ho, bring us some ladies

there's not much time until dawn.

Bring them, let's not waste a moment

tonight is the night to have fun.

Drink, drink, forget all our sorrows

Who knows what the battle will bring?

Drink, drink, let's burn all our bridges.

Let's raise us our spirits and sing.

Whoa-ho, bring on the wenches

bring on the rum and the ale.

Whoa-ho, bring on the wenches

tomorrow we fight in the Dale.

Whoa-ho, bring us some ladies

there's not much time until dawn.

Drink up, let's not waste a moment

tonight is the night to have fun

Drink, drink, forget all our sorrows

Who knows what the battle will bring

Drink, drink, let's burn all our bridges

Let's raise up our spirits and sing

Oh, oh, bring all the wenches

Bring all the rum and the ale

Oh, oh, bring all the wenches

Tomorrow we fight in the Dale

Drink, drink, forget all our sorrows

Who knows what the battle will bring

Drink, drink, let's burn all our bridges

Let's raise up our spirits and sing

Ho-ho

-George Washington, you think you got troubles?

This poor devil was married to a real schizo,

degenerate bastard.

-Martha, is there any ale in the cupboard?

'Ale?

Cupboard?

Who pray tell is Martha?

I'm Betsy.

Betsy Ross, the seamstress with the mostest.

-Oh, Martha, really?

Do we have to go through this Betsy Ross thing again?

You remember what Dr. Tucker told you.

He said, "Martha, you are not Betsy Ross.

You're Martha Washington."

Now, look, you've got to stop this.

You're driving your old man fritters.

-Dr. Tucker?

Who be Dr. Tucker?

-Forget it. Forget it.

What sow thee there?

-I so west a flag,

is it not beautiful?

Do you not like it?

I don't know whether to wear it or to wave it.

-Look, let's forget about the flag, Betsy, I mean, Martha.

Look, I've got something else I'd like to raise to full mast.

-Do you never get enough?

What about the British?

-Screw the British, let them get their own wenches.

-Well, then what about Martha?

Will she not be pissed at thee?

-If you won't tell her, I won't.

-God. George, you are a clever lad.

With all those children running around looking like you,

you're a cinch to be named Father of our Country.

-I know how to buck some lass, Betsy.

Oh, but we must not tarry, I've got to be down to the Delaware this evening.

If I don't leave soon, they won't leave a seat for me.

-Wow.

We should make haste then and not waste these precious moments.

-Let's see if we can pigeonhole that.

-Is that the way you like it?

-Love it -Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.

-That's what they all say.

Talk dirty to me, Martha.

Oh, Betsy. Oh, oh, Martha.

Oh, oh, Betsy, I mean, Martha.

Oh, oh, Betsy.

How the hell?

Oh.

-This here is my ex-wife.

I really love that one.

Degenerate bastard.

Over there sits my ex-wife too,

she died of the consumption.

That ex-wife died when I caught her in bed with Paul Revere.

Degenerate bastard.

This here is my ex-wife.

Boy, could she-- Well, that's another story.

Degenerate bastard.

This here is my ex-wife.

Oh, what I remember about her.

Degenerate prevert.

There's my cousin, Timmy,

he liked small boys.

We had to shoot him.

Degenerate bastard.

Right over there is my brother, Tom.

Tom broke a leg at the age of 103 leaping out of a second-story window.

Degenerate bastard.

-Yes,

that's the way it was, 200 years ago

just before it

all turned to shit.

Yes.