Original subtitles

I don't give a shit what you say, Matt.

The yellow sun may give him plenty of powers,

but there's no way it has any effect on his dick.

The fact that you think for a second

that the Bat's dick is bigger than Superman blows my mind

and has me questioning your sanity.

Do you really think that the Kryptonians

would send some baby dick fuck

as the last representation of their people?

Known fact, though,

House of El men, hung like meese.

You know what?

I'm not gonna argue with someone,

who thinks there's a person in the universe

that's packing as much heat as Bruce Wayne.

Mutants excluded, obviously.

Empire Toys.

Hello?

Empire Toys.

Dude, don't even go there.

I know what you're gonna say.

It's been exactly one year tomorrow, Chuck.

Yeah, and that shit had nothing to do with us.

Ross had his heart removed from his body.

And Ross worked here for, like, a month?

I'm telling you, dude, Cincy and NARC went crazy,

and they murdered all those people.

There's no such thing as Acula

or any other demons for that matter.

No way, dude.

The police completely cleared Cincy Nerd

and NARC on all that.

Plus, nobody's seen or heard from NARC in a year.

Yeah, it's because Cincy chopped him up, fucking ate him.

Wind?

You're kidding, right?

Rob left the door open again.

You guys are still here?

Holy shit.

What are you still doing here?

Full disclosure?

I don't know.

Yo, he ate all the Scooby snacks.

There's enough weed in there to last us a month.

The fucker owes us 80 bucks.

Just take it out of his check.

Don't say shit, we can get sued for that.

-All right, just take the trash out. -I'll give you a ride home.

The trash?

Thanks, Matt.

I love you.

Love you too?

I love him.

I love you too.

It's always something with you.

Because you're a fucking piece of shit.

Oh, 100%.

Absolutely, you're sure?

-Yeah. -Okay.

No joke, I'm taking the marijuana treats

out of his goddamn check.

I'm surprised the diabetic fuck is still standing.

Hello?

Holy shit!

Get the door, get the door!

The one time you're right about something.

It has to be murder?

Fuck.

What do we do?

-What are we gonna do? -You need to shh!

Shut the fuck up.

Give me your phone.

I left it in the back room.

I was putting stuff on the website.

The one day you decide to go to work.

Just use your phone.

I left it in the bathroom.

I always knew your poop habits

were gonna be the death of us.

Just relax.

Whoever that was, can't get in without a key, right?

♪ I put the knife in my heart ♪

♪ I don't remember to bite ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ My hands forever tied down watch as your smile ♪

Dad, can I have some eggs?

Oh, me, too.

♪ I'm left over ♪

♪ I don't want you to be happy without me ♪

He doesn't love us anymore.

♪ I don't want you to be happy without me ♪

♪ Happy without me ♪

Here we go.

They told us to bring something that was special to us.

We brought our favorite games and toys, comics, you know.

Next thing I know, they throw it all in a box and bury it.

Well, guess what?

They just dug it up.

Next.

And because no one has any idea how she exploded heads,

we're supposed to believe in possessions?

We're supposed to believe in possessions?

Jesus Christ.

Those guys 100% killed all those people

with that crazy chick.

No doubt about it.

Plus, one of them's bald,

and there's a huge long history of evil do-gooders,

no do-gooders with zero hair follicles.

-I mean, we got Lex Luthor, we got... -Next.

I mean, I know for a fact that Cincy and NARC they did not kill anybody.

No, they didn't.

You got that right, Burt.

Maybe they did, I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

-Demons have rights, too. -Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess!

A crowd of protesters gathered outside Retro Plaza in Bedford today,

marking the one year anniversary of the mysterious

and tragic deaths that shook the small town.

The incident left several dead inside Retro Plaza

under circumstances authorities

never fully explained to the public.

Initial investigations centered on two well-known figures

in the retro collecting community.

Cincy Nerd and Craig Roberts, known online as NARC.

I should get going.

Can you take the girls to school?

Yeah, I can.

Bye.

Thanks.

-I made 'em breakfast. -Okay.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Demon season.

Free The princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Good morning, everyone.

If you don't mind, please leave some parking spots open

for some actual paying customers.

You can't trap us on the witch board, nerd.

She was a freaking demon princess.

Sounds like someone doesn't want a woman in power.

Free Acula.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Demons have rights.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Who the fuck are you?

Uh...

Ow.

Who the fuck are you?

Cincy?

You're not supposed to be here today.

Yeah, I'm training the new guy at Retro today.

It's 10:00 AM, Sam.

10:00 AM.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

You're still doing me later.

-Free the Princess. -Free the Princess.

-Free the Princess. Free the Princess. -Acula deserves better.

-Free the Princess. -Demons have rights, too.

This is our vintage video game section.

Oh yeah, and whenever a customer comes in, can you say,

"Welcome to Retro, have a radical time."

Yeah, that's awesome.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Free the Princess.

Oh.

Boo longer or he won't sell.

Good afternoon, you little devils.

You are on a dark path, a misguided path.

But don't you worry, just a few drops of my Jesus Juice,

and you'll be seeing the light.

Yes, yeah.

Fuck no.

Fuck you, you motherfucker.

Boo! Bitch.

Fuck this asshole!

-Who's next? -No, no, no, no, no, no.

-No. -Damn, selling out now.

If a guy comes in here

with a big tub full of Beanie Babies,

just tell him Dallas Vintage Toys or 181 Comics buys them.

It'll buy us a little bit of time

before he comes back around and tries again.

So no Beanie Babies then?

Cincy?

So that bus just pulled up into the parking lot again.

Dammit.

All right. Hang tight, Mitch.

Yeah, hey, can I use the bathroom?

Sure, go ahead.

About to blow that motherfucker up.

Anybody else?

-No, Sabrina, come on. -No! No!

Sabrina, you had good a life.

Ah, good afternoon.

How many times do we have to do this?

You can't sell drugs in front of my stores.

Drugs?

Who's selling drugs?

I'm, I'm delivering salvation to these misguided souls.

Whoa, whoa, what the hell?

-Jesus rocks. -Whoa.

No, no!

That's it, I'm calling the cops.

How long before this shit kicks in?

30 minutes-ish, and I'd get somewhere safe.

Somewhere you feel comfortable.

And until we meet again, may God hold you

in the palm of his hand.

And good luck,

'cause you're in for a fucking ride.

I hate you St. Patrick.

And I love you.

Get fucked.

Empire Toys is dead.

That's right, you heard it here first.

Matt, Chuck, and Rod of Empire Toys in Keller, Texas

were found slain in their very own toy store.

Holy shit.

And the police have zero leads, which means one thing.

The killer is still out there.

Times are tough.

And let me tell you, guys, when times are tough,

you could use the Toys of He-Man

and the Masters of the Universe.

My book, which is available now in all bookstores.

Are you the killer?

Die!

Until next time.

We gotta close up.

Why, what happened?

Two words.

Jesus Juice.

Mitch, we're closing up early.

Mitch.

Oh, my God, I'm in the sequel.

Holy shit, she's back.

Wait, what?

Um. Should I call the cops?

No.

I mean, yes, of course, but I can't be here for that.

You need to deal with them.

I need to get out of here. Just tell 'em it was my day off

-or something. -What?

Why?

What if they find out that you are here?

Listen, the police tried to convict me

for all those murders last year.

If I stay here, I am fucked.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

I do have one idea, though.

Try not to blow anyone while I'm gone.

-Well, look who it is. -Look, I don't have time for this today.

Then just give me my uncle's knife back.

I don't have your uncle's knife.

And from what I understand, you sold it to Horror Freak.

Correction, I was robbed by Horror Freak.

Those two buff fucking bozos knew they were ripping me off.

What's up, horror freaks?

Man, we just got this awesome movie prop knife

from this fuckboy, Jordan.

Man, we seriously ripped this fool off.

What an idiot.

But anyways, make sure to come down here and check it out.

Highlight your motherfuckin' boy!

Ouch! Yeah, it's not a good look.

But like I've told you all year long,

I inherited this place when Eric was murdered

with that exact same knife.

Then it's your responsibility to make it right.

Now, where is it?

Last time I saw your knife,

it was sticking out of my fucking back.

So you admit it.

You touched it last.

Hey, you think if I take more of this, it would help?

They're gonna regret not buying my Beanie Babies.

Oh God.

It's green, let's go.

Beep, beep.

Go.

Ugh.

Come on, man!

Fucking go!

You're really fucking me here, buddy.

DJ, the light's green.

Ah!

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Cincy sucks.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

How am I supposed to take down Acula alone?

All my stupid friends are dead.

Oh, shit.

It's kicking in.

This is gonna suck.

Quiet down.

Quiet down, class.

Shut up!

Welcome to Ms. Tillum's Time Capsule Day.

I remember this day.

I remember this day.

Time capsules.

Time capsule '89.

Man, we were so young.

These are my Care Bear friends,

and I'm going to bury them.

This is He-Man and Battle Cat.

NARC?

-Rescue. -What's a NARC?

I'm Craig.

Seven Shakes going in a time capsule.

I'm gonna put my Game Boy in here

because I just played the NES.

You're not my NARC yet.

Mark McGuire, Pete Rose, Roger Clemens, and Kurt Chilling.

I have four future Hall of Famers going in the time capsule.

Did you rearrange my collection?

Did you rearrange my collection?

Did you rearrange my collection?

All right, miss, that's gonna wrap up my job here.

Reckon the boys in blue will be here soon

to clean up that mess.

It's all good.

Today was his first day anyway.

And that bathroom, it needed a clean up crew

way before the murder.

Anyway, have a good day.

Donny, this is Fife.

Yeah, we got another one.

If we don't catch 'em before they get to 13,

then there's gonna be no stopping the reign of Acula.

What the fuck.

Jesus Christ, you're a sore loser.

Did you rearrange my collection?

Did you rearrange my collection?

-Can you answer my question? -Did you rearrange my collection?

NARC?

Oh.

Dude, is this fourth grade Ms. Tillum's class?

Yes. Dude.

I think the universe is trying

to tell me something important right now.

Libby Winks.

Okay. Michael, why don't you present?

Boston Mike.

Hey, I'm gonna put this g-genie.

I'm mean lamp in the box.

A genie?

Michael, I told you to bring something

that represents the 1980s.

That looks super old.

I'm still gonna do it.

That's it, the fucking genie.

Fuck the Yankees.

Mike Swirl was real all those years.

They just dug that thing up.

I can get that lamp and bring you back.

But Cincy, I'm here.

I'm here.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Cincy, it's time to go home now.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here!

Cincy, Cincy.

Craig?

What?

What are you doing here?

I beat Jesus at UNO.

What?

Fucking aye.

Cincy and NARC back together again.

We're gonna need some backup, though.

Acula possessed someone else.

We don't know who it is.

Okay, before we do,

are my Scooby snacks still over there?

♪ How the hell can I ♪

♪ Without cashing in ♪

♪ My heroes have all died in battle ♪

♪ So cut off my hands at the wrists ♪

♪ The streets will run red with our blood now ♪

♪ The streets will run red ♪

♪ The streets will run red with my love ♪

♪ My vendetta black ♪

♪ Lie ♪

Is that Burf?

Hey, it's your boy Burf

and we're in Elm Street toys in Allen, Texas.

What you got for me today Elm Street Toys?

What you got for me today?

Man I can't wait to get in here.

We're gonna kill it, man. We're gonna find some killer toys.

It's gonna be good.

Hey, see if you can get with Patrick tonight

and get some more of that juice.

Oh my God. Look at this leather face I just found.

This thing's fricking awesome.

♪ He's on that jazz man ♪

♪ He's on that jazz ♪

Hey, hold on. Gimme a second.

I gotta get this fricking nerd out.

♪ He's on the jazz man ♪

The jiggy G-Excuse me.

Hello?

I'm sorry. We're closed now.

Okay. All right.

Well, I guess we gotta go, guys.

Hello?

Ah!

No!

Please!

No, not Brenda.

This addition to the body count piling up in Texas hurts.

A close personal friend of mine,

Brenda Ortega from Elm Street Toys

was killed this afternoon.

I was toy hunting at a few yard sales when I got the news.

You can find those videos linked below

if you want to check 'em out after this one.

Rest in peace, Brenda.

Love ya. Bye.

Did we get a new wiener schnitzel?

Ah, dude, how's my channel doing?

Did it go full viral after I died?

Uh. Not so much, man.

Well, how's it doing?

NARC is dead. Literally and digitally.

We haven't seen a single new upload

on "Not another retro channel" since his vanishing.

But that is until today.

Today we got to meet YARC, a new YouTube channel

with a completely new rebrand.

You are witnessing the dawn of YARC.

I was fucking hacked.

Yo, let me get your phone. I want to do a video.

-What? -Yeah.

No, we're gonna keep moving.

Fine.

But after we take down Acula,

you're gonna have to give some store credit.

Now remember what I said in the car?

She's just Jen now, not Acula.

She's not possessed anymore, so don't freak out.

She's a raging lesbian. So no gay jokes.

You're gay.

68,

69.

Nice.

Um. Hey, Jen.

Um, this is NARC.

NARC, this is Jen.

I remember you.

She's scarier now than when she was possessed.

Shut the fuck up.

How'd you end up here?

It was that motherfucker St. Peter up there.

That's why I don't like Peter's anymore.

Wouldn't even let me in.

Said that he saw me kill 20 people.

And before I could even defend myself,

he kicked me in my fucking face.

Fell back down to Earth

through the Horror Freak ceiling.

Then, I'm lying on the floor and this asshole

is fucking spraying me in the face with Windex.

None of that matters anymore.

The only thing that matters is that Acula is back.

It's time to clear your name and save the fucking world.

All right. What's the plan?

Cincy has a plan, it fucking sucks, but he has a plan.

We're gonna break into our childhood school

and steal a time capsule that may or may not

have a genie named George in it that we're going

to use to bring people back to help us take this bitch down.

All right.

I don't really know what the fuck you just said, but let's do it.

Shotgun on the shotgun?

No, not those. Too obvious.

We'll bring the modified ones.

Oh ho.

God bless, God bless.

Speaking of which, who blessed the batch?

What you talking about?

The, the batch.

Was it Father Henry again?

Yeah. Father Henry did his thing.

You should have seen it today.

So many souls to save. It was beautiful.

I bet it was.

Even less customers for the store. Right?

Come and go.

Think another one of those retro freaks was killed there today, you know?

Ah.

That's, that's too bad.

Well, hey, I hope their soul found their way to heaven.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

But for now, let's lay low.

Just stay put for the night, okay?

Stay, stay put. Like stay put here.

This is the toy store.

Someone was killed here.

Don't be such a pussy.

You have the Lord on your side.

That I do. That I do.

Coast is clear.

Stay down you dumb shits.

She finds out a couple of 30 year olds

are sneaking in and out of a school

it's probably not gonna look great.

-You wish we were 30? -Why don't we just run?

You wish we could run.

The fucking Game Chasers.

Who the hell are these guys?

Craig and I went to school with them.

Hey, that's that that motherfucker that hacked my channel.

What are we waiting for?

Aargh! Keep still.

Yeah, let's go get 'em.

I'm in the mood to kick some dicks in.

Not here. I know where they're going.

Hey, Dana, are you ready to go yet?

I'll be right there.

It's taco time.

♪ It's a day with no tomorrow ♪

♪ A point of no return ♪

♪ A time for endless sorrow ♪

♪ When the stars no longer burn ♪

No way.

You know what?

I remember the day I figured out we weren't getting our stuff back.

It was a lot easier getting that than your NAS though.

Tell me about it. I'm gray now.

Hey, check it out. They have all their accessories.

The Dark Lord has blessed YARC this day.

He's actually missing the shield.

Shit.

We gotta ditch this motherfucker.

Sam? You got here fast.

Cincy, what the hell is going on?

What do the Game Chasers have to do with any of this?

You'll figure it out.

Just get inside and distract them while we get the lamp.

Now it's time to see if Boston Mike

was telling the truth about that genie or not.

Fucking genie?

What's up?

Game Chasers. Are they here?

What do you think?

Oh my God, guys. Are you guys like the Game Chasers?

Why yes. Yes, we are.

I am YARC.

That's YARC.

YARC.

I like YARC.

This is so cool.

Um. Oh my goodness, so much.

Who is this guy?

Lady, we're grown men with beards.

What makes you think we know about the Care Bear Cousins

introduced in the Care Bear movie, 1985.

That's Lion Heart. He's got some buddies here.

Cozy Heart and Lotsa Heart with him.

Oh my God. Amazing.

But you know who else has a lot of heart?

-Who? -Me.

Man! You're a button smashing son of a bitch.

Man, I'm gonna smash your butt.

What now?

Well? Do we rub it?

You rub it.

We rub together.

Okay, now we do what we should have done

in the first place.

Let's blast this bitch Acula back into hell.

Oh my...

Yo!

George?

Yeah. You know any other genies?

Do we have to rub you more to come out?

Ain't no one talked to me for 30 years

and y'all think you can just rub your boy

and I'm gonna hop out of this lamp and suck y'all dicks.

I'm getting a bath.

Make your wishes and leave George be, please.

Alright.

First, we wish for all of our friends

that were killed last year to come back

and help us take down Acula for good.

Shit.

Nice try.

You can bring back one person per one wish

per section 15.8, paragraph four, volume 20

of the Genie Union Handbook.

Okay, we really need to think about this though.

I have an idea.

No offense, but leave the planning to us.

No, Jen's right?

We need to bring back the most helpful people.

Genie, I wish for Ezekiel Vance

to be brought back from the afterlife

and help us take down the demon princess Acula for good.

No way. Lame Pick.

I wish to bring back Boston Mike.

What the fuck?

We get three wishes and Boston Mike is one of them?

George, is that you?

All right bitches. George out.

Wait, we have one more wish, don't we?

No, Captain Underpants over there

made the first wish back in 1989,

right before he buried my ass in the ground for 30 years.

All right, I do three wishes every 100 years.

Dammit, Mike! What did he pick?

Unlimited supply of Chinese food.

Why I don't eat Chinese food anymore.

We brought you two back to help us take down Acula.

She's not dead.

No! No.

No, no, no.

Acula killed me.

She won.

And I'm too old and tired to fight a demon.

All right, this one's on the house.

No.

This is horse shit.

You idiots better have a plan.

Oh, we have a plan.

Boston Mike, go check lost and found and get some clothes.

You look like shit.

Yo.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Got the juice?

It's a good batch.

Now that everyone's hooked on the juice,

no money for the stores.

Perfect plan.

Hey, bud. Lost and found, you got it?

Here we go.

Accessorize is important.

Like that.

Ugh, are you? Don't tell me, don't.

No, ugh!

Ugh, that was close. You see that, buddy?

No pants?

Thank you.

Have a good day, bud.

Are you getting a fucking blow job?

Ah.

Wait, are you guys hiring?

Oh, she doesn't work here.

So what's this genius plan of yours?

All right, here it is.

Those three are gonna check the stores

on the west side of town.

We're gonna check the stores on the east.

Ugh. Which one of you farted?

Hey man, I'm kind of hungry.

Ooh, tacos?

We don't have time to stop.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Yard sale, yard sale.

-So let me get this straight. -You had access to a genie,

and instead of killing Acula, you wished us back.

Um...

You didn't even think of that, did you? Didn't even think of it.

♪ 'Cause I'm tortured ♪

Fuck you!

♪ I'm tortured ♪

Are you fucking kidding me?

You always stopping at a yard sale.

I know this guy. He has really good deals.

Get back in the car!

Get back in the car!

See, look, look, look.

Ah. Everything's a dollar.

Boston Mike's back baby.

Dude. Where's my fucking ladder at?

Let me get two dozen tacos

and put some of that green sauce in the bag.

-What are we even doing? -We need to get to the store.

I've been dead for a year.

I'm a little hungry, okay?

Oh, thank you. Green sauce.

Woo hoo hoo!

Come on, dude. Go.

Go, get out of there.

You have to leave. Yes.

So uh, Brenda from Elm Street,

Matt, Chuck, and Rod from Empire. They're all dead.

I saw that.

Collectors are saying Acula's back.

Well, Acula killed my brother a year ago.

What?

Yeah. I saw some of my footage from Empire.

Dude looks like an off-brand ghost face.

Ma, can we get some Ghost Face?

No, we got Ghost Face at home.

-I'm gonna go check the door. -I'll be back in a little bit.

Shouldn't have said that.

You guys hear that?

Shh. Watching a classic.

Aren't they supposed to be open until 7:00?

It is.

I thought so too.

Hey, man. You're supposed to be open for another hour. What's going on?

I know, guys, I'm sorry, but I have to close

early tonight. My little girl has this recital

and I can't wait to see it and I'm not gonna miss it.

Sorry again.

I locked the door.

I'd like to see the killer get us now.

Not today.

Oh, fuck!

Yeah.

Can't believe the Empire boys are dead. Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah, no, I'm, I'm up in their booth right now at the mall

looking through their stuff.

Man, forget about eating brains.

I'd love to eat her ass.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Hey Randy. Light these torches over here.

Door's unlocked.

Oh, your plan sucks.

Fuck!

Maybe the other guys had better luck.

Maybe we shouldn't have stopped for tacos.

They were so good though.

You are two fucking idiots go upstairs

and I'll go check downstairs.

Hey!

Sam's kind of a bitch, right?

I know you're still down here.

It's okay.

I'm alone.

Come out.

You're getting close to your 13th kill.

I have two idiots upstairs that we can add to your count.

So how about

we raise King Acula together?

Your phone's ringing.

Uh, this might actually be the killer.

Hello.

Guys, it's the killer.

Well, I know where we need to go.

You know it's a trap, right?

Probably.

I still can't believe you two guys lost Sam.

You better hope she's okay.

She's the one that wanted to separate.

I'm gonna go get something out of her car.

Our winding paths will soon intersect,

and then the harrowing descent begins.

Okay.

It's the same mixture of drugs and holy water

you two used to take down Acula last year.

You have to weaken the demon if we even stand a chance.

Alright, Acula, this time I'ma see you coming.

So are you guys ready to do this or what?

Of course, dude.

We got the dream team and Boston Mike.

What could go wrong?

Sorry. Did you say what could go wrong?

I don't know.

How about the fact Acula is most likely

gonna kill all of us, and then afterwards

we get to get butt fucked by demons for all eternity.

Wait, wait, wait. It's that really on the table?

Jesus Christ, Ezekiel, is that what was happening to you guys

before we wished you back to Earth?

Acula ain't getting me again.

We're all gonna fucking die.

I found the power.

We still need to find an object to trap Acula in.

That is if we're still alive to perform the ritual.

No more trapping.

Tonight we kill the demon forever.

Shh.

Okay, what's the plan now, Cincy?

This place is huge. We need to split up.

He's right. What's the plan?

All right, no one makes a move on their own.

We need to do this together.

You two guys, go upstairs, take the escalator.

But before that,

"Kill evil" on three.

Oh, you guys serious?

-Come on. -Yeah.

This one's for you, Eddie.

1, 2, 3.

Kill evil.

Shh.

It's not on.

They're stairs. Just use them as stairs.

Shh.

Dude, flip flops again. Really?

You all ready?

-Hey. -Yeah.

If my head blows up.

Don't leave me this time.

Yeah.

-Anything? -No.

Is someone there?

Is someone? Cincy?

Cincy! Cincy!

Cincy! Cincy!

Please, somebody help me!

Please help me.

Cincy! Please help me.

Cincy help me.

Help! Help, please help me.

Please.

Please somebody help.

Cincy! Cincy, please.

Get me out of here.

Get me out of here.

Sam, what the fuck?

He's gonna light me on fucking fire.

He's gonna light me on fucking fire.

Cincy, please help.

Uh uh uh. I don't fucking think so.

Did you bring water guns?

What am I? A gremlin?

I'm not allowed to get wet?

It's not Acula. It's a ritual.

It's a ritual.

13th kill.

What is she talking about?

He's not Acula.

He's not raising Princess Acula either.

This ritual will call King Acula to the world

and he'll rule for eternity.

It's the 13th blood sacrifice.

We are fucked!

You're too late.

This asshole!

What? Are you kidding me?

You guys didn't know it was me the whole time.

I wasn't even trying to hide it.

I killed 12 people, you fucking idiot.

Oh, I just don't know. Whew.

Are we gonna blast this fucker or what?

Why don't we just kick this dude's ass?

Won't matter. He's at 12.

Doesn't matter who the 13th kill is.

If anyone dies here tonight, Acula rises.

You know what?

Fuck this guy. NARC's right.

Let's just kick his fucking ass.

Now we're talking.

Oh damn. Oh shit.

No, Cincy.

Fuck you, Cincy.

No!

Oh no.

Cincy Nerd, you arrogant fuck.

They came to save you with water guns.

I killed 12 people.

12 people!

And they came to save you with water guns.

What the fuck?

You stupid fucks!

I bet you were making videos on the way.

I bet you were toy hunting on the way here.

What the fuck is the matter with you?

Welcome to the Jordan Show.

And this is Jordan's favorite scary movie.

You all disgust me.

You think you could just get away with it too?

Everyone just lets you get away with it all the time.

But not Jordan.

Wait, he's not Acula?

You Look for someone that's maybe down on his luck,

needs a few bucks and then you rip him off.

But that's not even what bothered me.

And you're just as bad as that.

That's not even what bothered me.

What bothered me is that you go on the fucking internet

and call me a fuckboy.

Do I look like a fucking fuckboy?

Do I look like a fucking fuckboy?

Do I look like a fucking fuckboy?

Do I? No.

You social media influencers,

you vloggers, you collectors,

all of you think it's so cool

to just go around, make videos,

try to take advantage of your fans.

Tell 'em what to do, what to watch,

what to wear, what to buy.

For what?

To sell more ad time.

And then even today, with every kill,

you promoted more and more of your own agenda.

Oh wait, there's more.

I almost forgot to tell you the best pa-

You have the right to remain silent.

Forever!

Cincy?

Cincy!

Cincy get me out here.

Please get help.

Oh, honey, Cincy's not here anymore.

What?

The name's King Acula And you're fired.

No! See ya.

Ah! Sam!

Oh Jesus.

That was a fucked up dream.

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna go check my subs.

Craig. Holy shit, dude.

Oh my God. It's so good to see you.

Yeah, dude, it's great to see you too.

You, you all right?

I'm okay, dude.

I, I had a fucked up dream last night

and it's just really good to see you.

Anyway, I'm here for the neck of pre-orders,

but I gotta take a shit.

-Oh. -And I am afraid

-of that bathroom. -Yeah.

-I'm gonna use Horror Freak's bathroom. -For sure, man.

Go around the back.

-Yeah. -Go through the back.

Because there's some old man in there.

Creepy ass old man.

I'm pretty sure he's flashing Eric

and I think they're fucking, dude.

Ooh. What the frick?

Yeah. I don't know.

It's weird shit, but just giving you a heads up.

Yeah. Fuck creepy ass old men, dude. Right?

Yeah fuck creepy ass old man, dude.

Good job, buddy.

That's why you are my NARC.

You're my NARC!

Nerd. That's why you're my Cincy Nerd.

This is no ordinary witching board.

This is a vessel board.

It has been in my family for decades,

and it was last used to trap the presence

of a demon princess by the name of Acula.

Acula?

Acula?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not fucking again.

Fucking shit on myself.

Eric don't take that goddamn board.

Whatever happened to predictability,

the milkman, the paper boy, the evening TV.

Wow, that is awesome.

It's gotta be. This is amazing.

We could use this for Ashley's going away party.

Do a seance and everything.

Yeah, freak the shit out of everybody. I like it.

Ash, babe, let's go.

No way. This is your last night here.

You need to spend it with us.

Hey, you losers want to drink some beer

and do a seance tonight?

Hey, Eric's trying to resurrect a girlfriend.

A what?

Cool.

Girls bring the candles. All right.

♪ It's the cry of the Banshee ♪

♪ Just like a siren's call ♪

♪ It's the cry of the Banshee ♪

♪ Are you ready to fall ♪

♪ It's the cry of the Banshee ♪

♪ She is leading me on ♪

♪ It's the cry of the Banshee ♪

♪ Such a beautiful song ♪

♪ Sha Nana na na Nana na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na ♪

♪ Sha Nana na na Nana na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na ♪

♪ Sha Nana na na Nana na na na ♪

♪ Sha na na na na ♪

♪ Sha Nana na na Nana na na ♪

God, I don't even, I know how to talk about this.

Earlier tonight, we started getting reports in

that there was a massacre.

I, I don't know what to do

other than at this point just pray.

Pray that the police figure out what's going on

so they can put an end to it.

I wish I had more answers than that, but I don't.

So...

Anyway, uh, guys, uh, just be sure

to hit that like button, subscribe

and um, bell notifications,

and also uh, down below, leave a comment.

Let me know what you think about the massacres.

Stay strong and I'll see you on the next video.

Cool.

Um. Hey, Jay.

Yo. Hey, man.

Empty out the van.

Do you even realize how many toys

and games are about to be on the market right now?

Retro.

Woo. Jackpot.

Let's go!