Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- Rise and shine.

How did the couch treat ya?

- I think it's a little small.

My back is killing me.

- Oh no.

- I've had scoliosis since I was a kid,

so I'm actually like pretty sensitive to this kinda stuff,

check it out.

- Oh.

- See the alignment of my spine?

- Mm hmm.

- You touch it if you want, it's still a little wonky.

- Wow.

- Yea, it's kinda crazy.

I probably shouldn't be sleeping on couches.

- Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

Maybe you can sleep somewhere else, you know.

- Also, I don't know if you noticed last night,

but there was like this thunderstorm,

but without the thunder.

It was like just the lighting.

(funky music)

(camera shutter flashing)

- No, I musta missed it.

- Huh. - Huh.

- So what are you up to this week?

- Nothing.

I'm available, I'm free.

Free as a bird, cacaw, you know.

You?

I'm thinking about setting up a date.

Do you think dinner tonight would be like too last minute or

maybe tomorrow.

- Either sounds fine.

Like, I don't care, why would I?

- Okay.

I'll just have to check and see.

- Mm hm.

- I do have to go though, because I have a rehearsal at 10.

- Oh congrats, you were cast in something, what?

- Ah, nothing.

It's just this thing that I got in the mail.

- Right.

- Something called "jury duty."

I'm pretty sure it's off Broadway,

but, like, you gotta start somewhere.

You know, plus I've heard that can be like a really huge,

like stepping stone for a professional actor's career, so.

- Mm hm. - I'm gonna go nail it.

- Oh.

Yeah, okay, go get 'em big guy.

Go, go show that judge who's boss. (imitates squeaky knife)

God.

- Wow, what a hunk.

- Yeah. (Ernest spraying loudly)

Ernest!

Stop breathing his air.

God.

♪ I know you only want to take care of me ♪

♪ But I've gotta reach the sun so don't bother me ♪

♪ Up and down we

♪ Go

I can't believe it finally happened.

It finally happened.

- I know.

- I've played this moment in my head so many times.

Uh. - I know.

Where do you think you'll end up?

- I don't know, maybe a loft in South France

with four Corgis.

We get fat eating croissants.

We don't leave each other.

- Good plan, but I mean for the date.

- Oh.

- The date.

- Oh I don't know.

Ya know, I could, I could set you up with somebody.

I'm kind of an expert.

- Sounds interesting, but I'm not exactly

in the dating game these days.

I just have a lot on my mind, this internship,

grad school starting in a month.

I'm freaking out.

- Oh, I know!

Okay, um okay, so you know how Gordan and I,

we met IRL, which is rare, but beautiful.

Well, times are tough right now.

But you, look at you, you would kill it online.

Homicidal maniac you'd be.

- Huh, thank you?

But it's a little shallow no? Just meeting someone

because of how they look.

- I hear you, I hear you, I do,

and I'm taking that into account.

And that's why I'll make you a Faceless account.

100% non-shallow, no pictures, just interests and bio.

- Okay, I don't think I'm interested.

- Okay, I'm gonna do it, you convinced me.

(Iz claps)

Oh. (claps)

Okay, it's going to be muto fogo, muto fogo, yes.

(clapping) Trust me.

(Sofia laughing)

You got a match, you got a match, oh my god, Sof, Sof look!

Sof, Sof.

Peekaboo, guess who? A match.

Oh shit, you got another match!

From Nebraska.

Sof,

Sof.

Sof!

So, after carefully reviewing a lifetime of profiles,

13, I have found you the perfect match, you wanna hear?

- I think you're gonna tell me either way.

- This person is a journalist, they have completed two

triathlons, and they speak Portuguese, the whole package.

Cause you also speak Portuguese, oh my god!

- Um hmm. - You're welcome.

- Okay, thank you, and -

- And, you're going on a date tonight, Sof.

Come on get pumped.

- Iz.

- Call me a seatbelt because your girl, hooked you up.

- Iz, I'm not going to drop everything to go on a date

with - - Michelle.

- Okay. - And I already confirmed it.

It's a done deal, uh huh.

- Okay. - Please?

- Why?

- Because the man of my dreams has just asked me on a date.

I'm hanging on by the thinnest of threads, Sofia.

I need this, I gotta warm up my game, my game, Sofia.

I gotta buff off this nerve rust

and get to that pearly confident shine.

I can only get to that shine if I live vicariously

through yours and Michelle's date.

So you will, you will go on a date with Michelle.

You will, order something, muh muh muh, chef kiss tasty.

You will conduct in small talk.

And I will listen to every stupid little thing you're gonna

to say.

And I will think of big little stupid things I would've said

instead and memorized it all just like I had to memorize

that Torah portion for my Bat Mitzvah -- which sucked,

by the way.

And just like that stubby stud who had to receive guidance

while he stared at a burning bush, I'm prepared

to stay at home and burn some bush while you guide me

to the holy land that is Gordan's heart.

This, Sofia, is my exodus, so help me God.

Baruch ata Adonai

bitch!

I could go for a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger?

♪ Uh oh caught me trolling got me feeling right ♪

[Iz] Psst, hey, can you hear me?

- Yes.

Your date will be tall, tan and beautiful.

Supposed to wear a white carnation on the lapel.

- Iz, this isn't a James Bond movie, no one is in a tux.

I don't even see anyone that looks like that.

Did you say what I looked like?

- [Iz] Like Aphrodite with a bigger smile.

- Jesus Christ.

- Not quite.

Michael, pleasure to meet you.

- You're not my date.

- I'm afraid not tonight, love.

Perhaps another night.

Can I show you to a table?

- Actually I'm supposed to be meeting someone.

Uh, Michelle?

- Michelle, Michael.

What could have been.

There's actually a young woman looking for someone

right there.

- Oh, thank you.

(elevator music)

(overlapping conversations of patrons)

- Sofia?

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Michelle. - Nice to meet you.

- How are you doing?

- [Iz] Is she hot??

- Definitely.

- Sorry?

- Oh sorry, I was talking to myself.

- Why does it only seem weird when you

talk to yourself out loud?

Everybody does it in their head, anyway.

- That's a good question.

Sometimes I'll be talking to myself in my head

and then I'll notice I'm making the faces

I'd be making if it were real life.

Like -

- That's funny. (laughs)

- So, what do you do?

- I study law. I'm about to be in grad school.

- Impressive.

Is that like being a doctor?

Like, if you're a doctor, everybody

wants to show you their moles or whatever.

- (Sofia laughing) I hope not.

Is there a lawyer equivalent for that?

- (laughing) No.

- I don't really know what the lawyer equivalent is.

- Probably asking me to get your uncle out

of a life sentence.

- Okay, lucky for you my uncle is fine,

but I'll let you know.

What do you have to do to get a double life sentence?

I was reading about it and isn't that just

a really bizarre concept for a law?

Or triple life sentence?

- Sorry, I have to peee-eee-eee.

(elevator music)

I couldn't think of another word that started with p!

So embarrassing.

- [Iz] I woulda bailed too,

that was the worst small talk I've ever heard.

Def not saying any of that when I'm with Gordan.

- Ooh, Gordan he's here.

He's here with Amaya.

- [Iz] What??

- Yeah.

- [Iz] Alright, alright, let's not overreact.

- Okay.

- [Iz] It could be something totally benign.

- Like what?

- [Iz] Like he's dumping her ass!

- Iz, it doesn't really seem likely.

- [Iz] You gotta find out, what am I supposed to do,

come down there?

- You could, I'm not trying to get in the middle of

all this, c'mon, Gordan and I work together.

- [Iz] I would only blow your cover.

You gotta get in there and find out what's up -

stealth mode.

- Okay, why don't you just talk to him?

You know, handle it like two adults.

- [Iz] Okay, okay. (laughing sardonically)

Okay, cut your date loose and let's get to spying.

Get rid of her.

- What am I supposed to do, throw her body

in the East River?

- [Iz] Scare her away or something.

Make her want to leave.

(horn music)

- I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that.

- [Iz] She's dead weight.

I really really really need you on this, Sof.

Please, think of the Corgis.

- Fine.

- Sorry about that.

- No worries, I could sense that I was being

a little intense.

Small talk is such a weird thing for me.

Dating in general is such a job interview.

Like we're just asking questions to -

- Oh Amaya, I just had the most wicked morning.

- What happened, my love?

- I was speaking with Iz, the fool.

And I told her we would be having a date tonight,

and that I would love her forever, and she believed it!

(Gordan cackling)

- You wanna make out in the bathroom?

- The bathroom?

Huh, huh, nothing, I zoned out for a second.

= What were you thinking about?

(cheesy adult film music)

- Clam chowder?

- That sounds good. - Ah, it's a, yep.

Love me some, yep.

- So, did you always want to study law?

- Good evening my dear friends, welcome to Wise.

I'm one of the co-owners, Michael, pleasure

to make your acquaintance.

- Can I get you girls something?

- Just water for now.

I haven't checked the wine menu, yet,

um, Sofia?

- Yep.

- Perfect, and you need a minute on food?

- I was actually looking at the borscht.

- Delicious, but very spicy.

- Can I get it without so much spice?

- Of course.

And for you?

- I think she wanted the clam chowder.

- What?

No, um, (claps folder) surprise me.

- I could hope for nothing less.

I'll be back with your drinks shortly.

- [Iz] This is your chance, tell that slut

to get outta here.

We have serious business.

- I have a better idea.

- A better idea than what?

Is this about the chowder?

- Sorry, can I ask you something?

- Anything.

- My friend over there, she's a little shy.

She' didn't want me to mention this,

but she actually likes her food extra spicy.

As spicy as you can serve it.

- It will be done.

- [Iz] And it's her birthday. - And

it's her birthday.

- [Iz] Nice.

- So you said you didn't always want to

study law, what would you have done instead?

- I guess I'm not sure.

- It's a tough question.

My parents owned a shop when I was growing up,

in Brazil.

(Sofia speaking Portuguese)

(Michelle speaking Portuguese)

- Oh, I guess it must've slipped my mind,

but I didn't mean to interrupt,

you were saying about your parents.

- So, my parents owned a shop when I was growing up.

I worked there as a kid, it's like a family thing.

Basically my whole family works there.

- What is it?

- Upholstery.

But, specifically for vintage, velvet couches

from the 70s and 80s.

- Wow.

- It's like a religious rite for them.

- But you didn't want to do that.

- No.

I wanted to come here and be a journalist.

And I guess I am now, sort of.

I write a blog, let's say that.

- How did your family take it?

You not wanting to do what they do?

- Honestly, they were pretty hurt.

Especially Dad.

This little shop in São Paulo

might as well have been our last name.

And I guess it felt like I turned my back on that.

It's obviously not how I see it,

I just didn't want to sew velvet back

on old couches forever.

(overlapping conversations and laughter from patrons)

Am I doing something wrong here?

- I'm sorry, no.

Sorry, I've been all over the place tonight

but I just saw a friend of mine, can you -

just, I'll be right back, okay, please don't leave, okay?

Hi.

- Hey, I didn't even see you, did you just get here?

- I'm out with a friend tonight.

What about you?

- I'm just here with Gordan.

- [Iz] Smack that bitch!

- What's up with you guys?

- Like I ever know.

I mean, we have our issues, but who doesn't.

- [Iz] Smack that bitch. - So this is a date?

- Yeah.

- [Iz] Right in her face.

- Why?

- [Iz] Just right cheek, cheek and nose, maybe chin.

Smack it.

(chopping and grating kitchen noises)

(Michael choking on hot sauce and singing to himself)

(plopping sauce)

(sizzling grill)

- Thank you.

- Enjoy.

(Michael choking and gagging)

The eagle has landed,

I repeat the eagle has landed.

Distract her for me

and I'll get the cake.

- Michelle, Michelle!

(Michelle crying and choking)

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

(all singing and clapping)

♪ Happy birthday dear Michelle

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

(Michelle screaming)

- Michelle, Michelle, come on, hold on.

I'm sorry, okay, none of that was supposed

to happen like that.

- Look, if you have something with that

girl, or that guy, it's fine.

- No, it's not me,

okay, it's my friend.

Um, she's kind of been here, all night.

- [Iz] Hi, I had a bunch of fun third wheeling

with you guys, please don't be mad.

- You're really one of a kind.

- I know, I'm sorry.

I really had a great time tonight.

But I had to help my friend out.

It's complicated.

- That's not complicated.

You pretending to be on a date with me, you

spiking my food, you telling that guy it

was my birthday, that's complicated.

I'm just not sure why you couldn't say no.

Either to me, to your friend - I

could've just gone home and let you do your thing.

You don't have to please everyone, you know?

It's just too bad.

I had fun tonight.

Even with the food, so I guess thanks for that.

I'm gonna head out. (motorcycle gunning)

Bye, Sof.

And uh, bye, girl on the phone.

- [Iz] She seems nice.

So what's the story with Gordan?

- Listen, you need to come talk to him.

I'll be here with you for it,

but I don't know what I'm doing in the

middle of this.

- [Iz] Okay.

Let me put on some pants.

- Oh my god, that is amazing.

- That's buttercream, homemade.

- (laughs) You made this?

- Well, I whip it up from time to time,

for the right occasions.

You like that,

I got some chocolate salami in the back

that'll blow your mind.

- Chocolate what?

- Let me ask you, friend,

do you like dubstep?

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Is everything okay?

I mean, that girl, is she okay?

- (laughs) Yeah she's fine, we're both fine.

It's was all really stupid.

- She seemed nice.

- Yeah, that's the consensus, and she is.

And really self sufficient.

I'm just not interested in dating.

I know it's weird, but I have a lot on my plate.

- No, I mean, I get it, trust me.

A relationship is a lot of work.

- I never really got to ask, how's it all going?

- I don't know, honestly, not great.

Is that an answer?

- Yeah. (horn blowing)

- I just think I need to figure some stuff out for me.

Gordan is great, um, I really like him,

but he gets on my nerves.

(both sighing)

He hasn't changed in the last five years.

Don't say anything.

- Of course not.

- Hi.

- Hey, Iz.

Um, I should actually go home.

Yeah, Gordan isn't really going to mind.

Good night you guys.

- Bye Amaya.

- Where's Gordan?

- He's inside.

But I should warn you, he's kind of

in the middle of something.

- What?

(dance music pulsating)

- What are you, stalking me?

- You're the one creeping up on me.

- Creeping up - this is my restaurant.

- You own this place?

- I do.

You know, if you want to look for a dumpster

there's a dumpster out back, you know, for leftovers.

- Funny.

- You know, why is it every single time there's trouble,

you're the one involved?

- I didn't do anything.

- Okay.

Well, listen, I apologize for any inconvenience

that we may have caused you, okay?

Look -

give me a call if there's any trouble.

Any.

- I'm Iz.

- Oh, I remember.

- So, what's the deal with the double life sentence?

- You really wanna know?

- Yeah.

- Okay, well this is top secret,

but if you die in prison, and somehow manage to

come back to life, usually you'd be off the hook, right?

But that's where they get you with the double life.

- Huh.

- Mm hmm.

- Never sign a DNR in prison.

- Exactly.

And don't even get me started on the triple life sentence.

That's where it gets really interesting.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Dude, there's a person on Faceless

who lives .1 miles away from us,

who's an award winning actor, a former

surgeon, and a Purple Heart recipient.

And his name is Ernest.

(spoon clinking)

- No way, that's a huge coincidence.

- Love isn't about finding the perfect person.

It's about finding the imperfect person perfectly.

(Ernest strumming slowly)