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1
00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:03,754
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
2
00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,840
- Ready for a fun weekend?
- He's not gonna have a fun weekend.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,760
Charlie, he's gonna study
for a history test on Monday.
4
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:13,680
Well, if believing that gets you back
in your car, I'll play along.
5
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,516
- Where's Alan?
- He's not here.
6
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,477
Really? I told him I was on my way.
7
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,604
That might be why he's not here.
8
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:23,315
Okay, I'll just have to go
over everything with you.
9
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,025
I'm gonna visit my parents.
10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,612
I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday.
Alan has to take him to school.
11
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,113
Monday is soccer practice.
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,116
He has his math tutor
and his guitar teacher on Tuesday...
13
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,409
Hang on. Hang on.
14
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,672
Oh, hi, Judith.
15
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,091
Alan, why are you avoiding me?
16
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:53,929
- I'm not avoiding you as much as...
- Hiding.
17
00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,848
- Thank you.
- Why were you hiding?
18
00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,602
Why does the wounded gazelle
hide from the stealthy jaguar?
19
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:05,065
Why does the helpless piglet
hide from ravenous wolverine?
20
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:08,944
Animal Planet.
21
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,489
You learn a lot.
22
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,450
We need to talk
about your pain-in-the-ass mother.
23
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,035
You know, I would love to...
24
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:20,998
...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here.
- I let her take Jake out to dinner.
25
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:25,043
She brought him home and she lectured
me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears.
26
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,338
- Fifteen minutes, huh?
- How long is this gonna take?
27
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,798
Like I'm a bad parent.
28
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:33,093
Let her try and get a Q-Tip
in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear.
29
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,555
Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips.
She had a squirt gun.
30
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,433
You know, the woolly meerkat
of western Africa...
31
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,853
...buries her cubs up to their necks
and licks their ears clean.
32
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,481
What? It seemed apropos.
33
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,234
If she wants to spend time
with her grandson...
34
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,737
...she needs to back off.
- Okay, I'll tell her.
35
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:54,948
- Thank you.
- I'll tell Alan you stopped by.
36
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:08,586
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
37
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:11,380
- I don't remember.
- You just read that chapter.
38
00:02:11,547 --> 00:02:14,759
Yeah, but Lewis and Clark
was a long time ago.
39
00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:18,637
Thanks for the ride, Sally.
40
00:02:19,221 --> 00:02:22,391
And for getting me home too.
41
00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:26,937
- Why is that funny?
- It's not.
42
00:02:27,104 --> 00:02:30,232
Mustang Sally, giddyup.
43
00:02:31,817 --> 00:02:33,736
Now, Lewis and Clark.
44
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,113
Face it, Dad,
I'm just not good at history.
45
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,449
Really? What did you have
for lunch yesterday?
46
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:42,578
A pizza square. Actually, two
pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich...
47
00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:45,664
...and a bag of Skittles.
- Okay, see, that's history.
48
00:02:45,831 --> 00:02:47,958
And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer.
49
00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:50,419
- Great.
- Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong.
50
00:02:50,586 --> 00:02:52,379
- It was a Ho Ho.
- Got it.
51
00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:58,052
You know what I like?
Those big, pink things with coconut.
52
00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:02,097
- Snow Balls?
- Exactly. Can you still get those?
53
00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:05,184
Yeah, but not at the supermarket.
You have to go to 7-Eleven.
54
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,394
Thank you.
55
00:03:07,561 --> 00:03:10,231
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
56
00:03:11,565 --> 00:03:13,567
No, we are trying to study.
57
00:03:13,734 --> 00:03:15,361
All right, I'll hoof it.
58
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:18,656
- Can I bring you back something?
- Ding Dong.
59
00:03:18,822 --> 00:03:20,783
Who's there?
60
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,077
I'm trying to get him ready for his test.
61
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:28,332
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead.
I'll pretend I'm not here.
62
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:33,295
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
63
00:03:33,462 --> 00:03:34,838
Louisiana Purchase.
64
00:03:37,466 --> 00:03:39,093
- Right.
- I knew that.
65
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,345
Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
66
00:03:41,512 --> 00:03:43,847
And I'm still buzzed.
67
00:03:45,891 --> 00:03:48,936
- Okay, give me another question.
- All right.
68
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,022
Seward's Folly
is another name for?
69
00:03:52,189 --> 00:03:53,524
- Jake?
- Alaska.
70
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:58,445
- Very good.
- Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
71
00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:02,491
Okay, the score is 1 to 1.
72
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:04,118
Now that you mention it...
73
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,996
...an Eskimo Pie would go down
pretty good right now.
74
00:04:07,788 --> 00:04:09,581
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
75
00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:12,876
No, next question:
76
00:04:13,043 --> 00:04:16,005
- The War of 1812...
- 1812.
77
00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,426
- No.
- 1813.
78
00:04:21,051 --> 00:04:22,386
Let me finish the question.
79
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:25,222
The War of 1812 was fought
against whom?
80
00:04:25,389 --> 00:04:27,766
- The British.
- Very good, 2 to 1, Jake.
81
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:31,270
- Yes.
- No fair. My buzzer's broken.
82
00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:35,733
- Next question.
- Let me try yours.
83
00:04:37,401 --> 00:04:39,361
See? His works.
84
00:04:43,907 --> 00:04:46,285
All right, contestants,
we are at the final round.
85
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:47,828
The questions are worth more.
86
00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:50,831
- And the answers are harder.
- True.
87
00:04:53,083 --> 00:04:56,754
- Wait for a question.
- Okay.
88
00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,257
Here we go. Name three changes
in American life...
89
00:05:00,424 --> 00:05:02,593
...brought about
by the industrial revolution.
90
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:08,974
Populations shift to cities, employment
moving from farms to factories, and...
91
00:05:10,392 --> 00:05:13,520
- Yes?
- Sorry, I hit it by mistake.
92
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:17,900
- Settlement of the West.
- That's correct.
93
00:05:18,066 --> 00:05:20,277
- You are our new champion.
- Yes.
94
00:05:20,444 --> 00:05:22,821
Settlement of the West.
95
00:05:22,988 --> 00:05:26,658
- You see, Jake? You know this stuff.
- Yeah, I guess I do.
96
00:05:26,825 --> 00:05:30,204
- Trust me, you are gonna do great.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
97
00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:32,331
You're welcome.
Now go get ready for bed.
98
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:36,502
- I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in.
- Okey-dokey.
99
00:05:43,884 --> 00:05:47,179
Oh, I gotta get a security camera.
100
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,515
Where's your brother?
I wanna talk to him.
101
00:05:49,681 --> 00:05:52,434
- He's not here.
- Oh, really?
102
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:55,646
No, he's actually not here.
103
00:05:55,812 --> 00:05:57,648
You know what his ex-wife
said to me?
104
00:05:57,814 --> 00:05:59,816
Mom, please go away.
105
00:05:59,983 --> 00:06:02,778
She never calls me "Mom,"
but that was the gist of it.
106
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:04,613
I took Jake out to dinner...
107
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:07,074
- You're pretending not to understand me.
- Right.
108
00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,826
And all I did was suggest to Judith...
109
00:06:09,993 --> 00:06:14,081
...that she might wanna pay a little more
attention to her son's ear hygiene.
110
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,708
Not only was she completely
unappreciative...
111
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:20,254
...but she had the nerve to denigrate
how I raised my sons.
112
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:23,674
Yeah, because we turned out so well.
113
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,761
Excuse me, but whatever
emotional issues you think you have...
114
00:06:27,928 --> 00:06:30,889
...I kept your ears spotless.
115
00:06:31,056 --> 00:06:33,183
I remember.
You used the same Super Soaker...
116
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,602
...to keep us off the furniture.
117
00:06:35,769 --> 00:06:37,563
Ladies and gentlemen...
118
00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:43,360
...presenting noted scholar
and A-student, Jake Harper.
119
00:06:45,862 --> 00:06:47,239
- You got an A?
- I got an A.
120
00:06:47,406 --> 00:06:50,659
- All right. Way to go.
- Congratulations, Jake.
121
00:06:50,826 --> 00:06:55,622
- Thanks. It's my first A this year.
- Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
122
00:06:55,789 --> 00:06:58,041
- Mom, leave it alone.
- I'm not saying anything.
123
00:06:58,208 --> 00:07:01,253
I think it's wonderful.
Did anybody else in your class get an A?
124
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,005
Almost everybody. Why?
125
00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:05,674
Oh, I was just curious
as to how hard the test was.
126
00:07:05,841 --> 00:07:07,634
It doesn't matter, Mom.
Still an A.
127
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:11,305
An A is very nice. I just don't know
why you're making such a big fuss...
128
00:07:11,471 --> 00:07:14,891
...if they're just handing them out
like rubella vaccinations.
129
00:07:15,058 --> 00:07:17,561
I don't know.
It looks like a pretty hard test to me.
130
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,897
- No, it was easy.
- That's because you studied.
131
00:07:21,064 --> 00:07:23,567
- You earned that A.
- Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
132
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,986
You hear that?
Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
133
00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:28,655
Wendy Chow is a freak of nature.
134
00:07:28,822 --> 00:07:31,366
She cloned a goldfish
for the science fair.
135
00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:32,951
We can't compare Jake to her.
136
00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:36,663
Who should we compare him to then?
The paste eaters and the unibrows?
137
00:07:37,581 --> 00:07:40,667
Darling, if you set the bar
low in childhood...
138
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:43,211
...he may never reach
the heights he's capable of.
139
00:07:43,378 --> 00:07:46,381
You're condemning him
to a life of failure and mediocrity.
140
00:07:46,548 --> 00:07:49,885
Is that what you want, Jake?
A life of failure and mediocrity?
141
00:07:51,219 --> 00:07:52,596
No.
142
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:56,975
You see? He may well be sharper
than you give him credit for.
143
00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:00,645
I'm gonna go to my room.
144
00:08:01,354 --> 00:08:03,607
I am putting that A-paper
up on the fridge.
145
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:07,235
Wow. Texas used to be
a separate country.
146
00:08:10,864 --> 00:08:12,824
Why did we change that?
147
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:15,619
Not now, Charlie.
How dare you?
148
00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,830
- Excuse me?
- He worked hard on that test.
149
00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:22,167
He was finally feeling good
about himself and his abilities...
150
00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:24,336
...and in 30 seconds
you managed to suck...
151
00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:27,464
...every bit of self-esteem out of him.
You're like a...
152
00:08:27,631 --> 00:08:30,258
- A self-esteem sucker.
- Yes, exactly.
153
00:08:31,343 --> 00:08:33,970
Alan, I was just having
a conversation with the boy.
154
00:08:34,137 --> 00:08:36,765
No. No, you don't
have conversations. You...
155
00:08:36,932 --> 00:08:39,351
Suck self-esteem.
156
00:08:41,478 --> 00:08:43,605
I would've gotten it.
157
00:08:43,772 --> 00:08:48,568
Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think
I want you around my son anymore.
158
00:08:49,194 --> 00:08:51,321
- What?
- You heard me.
159
00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:52,656
You will not do to him...
160
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:55,826
...what you did to me and Charlie.
- What did I do to you?
161
00:08:55,992 --> 00:08:59,371
What did you do? What did she...?
Charlie, tell her.
162
00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:04,209
Why tell her when we can show her?
163
00:09:09,422 --> 00:09:12,843
I see. So you're both
turning against me.
164
00:09:13,009 --> 00:09:15,971
Oh, I turned a long time ago.
165
00:09:16,972 --> 00:09:19,516
Alan's just catching up.
166
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:23,728
All right, fine.
167
00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:26,565
If I'm not welcome here...
168
00:09:26,731 --> 00:09:28,066
...I'll leave.
169
00:09:33,989 --> 00:09:36,533
My own sons are throwing me out.
170
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:42,163
Goodbye.
171
00:09:43,415 --> 00:09:45,417
This isn't over, is it?
172
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,628
No, we're screwed.
173
00:09:57,068 --> 00:09:59,154
Let me guess. Mom?
174
00:09:59,321 --> 00:10:02,407
She's been calling all morning.
I'm starting to feel guilty.
175
00:10:02,574 --> 00:10:06,369
You can't show weakness, Alan.
She'll sense it.
176
00:10:06,536 --> 00:10:08,955
Like the hooded cobra senses
the rapid heartbeat...
177
00:10:09,122 --> 00:10:10,832
...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
178
00:10:13,084 --> 00:10:15,295
But don't you feel
even a bit sorry for her?
179
00:10:15,462 --> 00:10:18,673
Does the mongoose feel sorry
for the wounded garden-snake?
180
00:10:20,216 --> 00:10:24,638
Does the dingo feel sorry
for the slow-crawling Australian baby?
181
00:10:26,932 --> 00:10:29,392
- You guys okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
182
00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:31,269
We're fine. Why?
183
00:10:31,436 --> 00:10:34,814
Your mother just called me. She said
she's been trying to reach you...
184
00:10:34,981 --> 00:10:36,775
...all morning
and she's very worried.
185
00:10:36,942 --> 00:10:39,069
- We're fine, Rose.
- We're not talking to her.
186
00:10:39,235 --> 00:10:43,573
Why? Because she tried to encourage
Jake to live up to his potential?
187
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,743
That's a reason to throw her out
and slam the door in her face?
188
00:10:48,244 --> 00:10:50,664
How could you be so cruel
to your own mother?
189
00:10:52,374 --> 00:10:56,169
And the dingo has found
another Australian baby.
190
00:10:57,879 --> 00:10:59,756
Rose, that's not what happened.
191
00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:01,299
We were protecting Jake.
192
00:11:01,466 --> 00:11:04,844
How? By ripping his only grandmother
out of his life?
193
00:11:05,011 --> 00:11:08,848
- He has another grandmother.
- Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak.
194
00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:11,226
Is that what she told you?
195
00:11:11,393 --> 00:11:13,395
For the record,
Jake's other grandmother...
196
00:11:13,561 --> 00:11:15,605
...is out of rehab and doing just fine.
197
00:11:17,065 --> 00:11:21,444
We appreciate your concern, Rose.
Thanks for stopping by.
198
00:11:21,611 --> 00:11:23,988
So now you're just gonna
slam the door in my face?
199
00:11:24,155 --> 00:11:25,990
Pretty much.
200
00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:31,246
Not as satisfying with a glass door.
201
00:11:32,122 --> 00:11:34,290
Okay, first she starts
with the phone calls...
202
00:11:34,457 --> 00:11:36,793
...then she sent Rose over.
I wonder what's next.
203
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,629
I don't know, but I'm betting
it'll be something big.
204
00:11:43,591 --> 00:11:47,095
Right. I understand, it's terrible.
205
00:11:47,262 --> 00:11:50,432
Okay, let me see
what I can do about it.
206
00:11:50,598 --> 00:11:53,518
How in the hell did your mother
get my cell phone number?
207
00:11:59,232 --> 00:12:01,234
Sometimes,
when the nest is threatened...
208
00:12:01,401 --> 00:12:06,072
... the seemingly docile creatures have
been known to eat their own young.
209
00:12:06,239 --> 00:12:09,409
Hey, did Mom call you
at the office today?
210
00:12:09,576 --> 00:12:11,035
No, she call here?
211
00:12:11,202 --> 00:12:15,874
- No, it's been pretty quiet.
- Yeah, maybe too quiet.
212
00:12:16,624 --> 00:12:18,751
And here we see
the female praying-mantis...
213
00:12:18,918 --> 00:12:22,464
... after copulation,
devouring her mate.
214
00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:25,884
Your ex-wife back from her parents'?
215
00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:28,595
Yeah, I dropped Jake off
with her this afternoon.
216
00:12:28,761 --> 00:12:31,389
Apparently her mom had
a little relapse with the pills.
217
00:12:31,556 --> 00:12:33,433
- Oh, yeah?
- They found her in pajamas...
218
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,896
...driving an imaginary car through the
home and garden section of Wal-Mart.
219
00:12:38,313 --> 00:12:40,982
How could they tell
if she was driving an imaginary car?
220
00:12:41,149 --> 00:12:44,360
She rolled down the window
to ask for directions to the pharmacy.
221
00:12:49,699 --> 00:12:52,785
- Here we witness the...
- Not Mom.
222
00:12:53,161 --> 00:12:56,414
Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper.
223
00:12:56,581 --> 00:12:59,459
What? I see.
224
00:12:59,626 --> 00:13:01,461
Okay, then.
Thanks for letting me know.
225
00:13:02,378 --> 00:13:04,714
- Who was that?
- St. John's Hospital.
226
00:13:04,881 --> 00:13:08,801
Our mother checked in this evening with
chest pains and breathing difficulties.
227
00:13:08,968 --> 00:13:11,429
- Oh, my God.
- Ever wonder who was the first guy...
228
00:13:11,596 --> 00:13:14,057
...to put pineapple on pizza?
229
00:13:16,059 --> 00:13:18,228
I bet he was gay.
230
00:13:19,771 --> 00:13:22,023
- Charlie...
- No straight guy is gonna say:
231
00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:25,109
"You know what this pizza could use?
A pineapple ring."
232
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:29,405
God bless him. It's good.
233
00:13:29,572 --> 00:13:31,074
Charlie, is Mom okay?
234
00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:33,159
Of course she's okay. She's faking.
235
00:13:33,326 --> 00:13:36,412
- How can you be so sure?
- It really doesn't make any difference.
236
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:40,833
If she is faking and
we rush to see her, she wins.
237
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,919
If she's not faking,
and we ignore her...
238
00:13:43,086 --> 00:13:45,505
...she complains
about what horrible sons we are...
239
00:13:45,672 --> 00:13:47,090
...and she still wins.
240
00:13:47,256 --> 00:13:49,926
What if she's not faking and she dies?
241
00:13:50,843 --> 00:13:53,554
Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.
242
00:13:56,099 --> 00:13:58,184
I can't help thinking this is all my fault.
243
00:13:58,351 --> 00:14:01,688
I told Mom she couldn't see
her grandson and she had a heart attack.
244
00:14:01,854 --> 00:14:04,023
Alan, you forget
who you're dealing with.
245
00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:06,818
This woman buried two husbands
and divorced two others.
246
00:14:06,985 --> 00:14:09,112
She's lived through wars,
riots, earthquakes.
247
00:14:09,278 --> 00:14:13,449
Only way you're gonna bring her down
is with a stake dipped in holy water.
248
00:14:14,993 --> 00:14:16,661
Here we are.
249
00:14:19,831 --> 00:14:23,126
Oh, my God. Mommy?
250
00:14:23,292 --> 00:14:24,627
Excuse me?
251
00:14:24,794 --> 00:14:26,838
- Are you family?
- Yeah, we're her sons.
252
00:14:27,004 --> 00:14:29,507
Is she gonna be okay?
Tell me she's gonna be okay.
253
00:14:29,674 --> 00:14:32,885
Your mother's gonna be fine.
I can't find a thing wrong with her.
254
00:14:33,052 --> 00:14:34,846
- Are you sure?
- As sure as I can be.
255
00:14:35,012 --> 00:14:36,681
Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine.
256
00:14:36,848 --> 00:14:38,808
Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal.
257
00:14:38,975 --> 00:14:42,103
- Oh, thank God.
- That bitch.
258
00:14:43,187 --> 00:14:44,647
Yeah, tell me about it.
259
00:14:45,857 --> 00:14:48,151
Excuse me.
I'm gonna tell her she can go home.
260
00:14:48,317 --> 00:14:51,529
- Oh, no, please, let us.
- Yeah, we owe her that.
261
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:54,365
Suit yourself.
Oh, better hurry, though.
262
00:14:54,532 --> 00:14:57,076
The nurses are circulating
a"do not revive" petition.
263
00:14:58,536 --> 00:15:01,998
- You said there was nothing wrong.
- It's a big hospital.
264
00:15:02,165 --> 00:15:03,916
Things happen.
265
00:15:06,669 --> 00:15:08,045
What do we do now?
266
00:15:08,212 --> 00:15:11,340
Don't worry. I got a plan.
267
00:15:11,507 --> 00:15:13,217
Oh, great, he has a plan.
268
00:15:17,263 --> 00:15:18,598
Mom?
269
00:15:19,390 --> 00:15:22,185
Charlie? Is that you?
270
00:15:22,351 --> 00:15:24,061
Alan's here too, Mom.
271
00:15:24,228 --> 00:15:28,274
- Hi, Mom.
- Boys, you didn't have to come.
272
00:15:29,150 --> 00:15:30,943
Are you kidding? Of course we did.
273
00:15:31,110 --> 00:15:33,613
- Right, Alan?
- Of course.
274
00:15:33,779 --> 00:15:34,906
Tell us what happened.
275
00:15:36,115 --> 00:15:40,119
I came home this afternoon, alone.
276
00:15:41,037 --> 00:15:44,332
I was walking up the stairs...
277
00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:46,542
...alone.
278
00:15:48,461 --> 00:15:51,589
And I had trouble breathing...
279
00:15:52,381 --> 00:15:55,843
...so I drove myself to the hospital...
280
00:15:56,719 --> 00:15:58,054
...alone.
281
00:16:01,432 --> 00:16:04,477
- Well, why did you drive yourself?
- Oh, I didn't wanna bother...
282
00:16:04,644 --> 00:16:06,896
...the ambulance people.
283
00:16:08,439 --> 00:16:09,523
Why didn't you call us?
284
00:16:11,234 --> 00:16:17,114
Oh, you both made it very clear
how you feel about me.
285
00:16:17,281 --> 00:16:18,783
Now, that's not fair.
286
00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:21,661
Just tell Jake...
287
00:16:21,827 --> 00:16:25,081
...his Grandmommy loves him
very much.
288
00:16:25,248 --> 00:16:26,666
Don't talk like that.
289
00:16:26,832 --> 00:16:29,460
You can tell him yourself,
after the operation.
290
00:16:29,627 --> 00:16:31,045
What operation?
291
00:16:35,383 --> 00:16:38,719
Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses
are routine these days.
292
00:16:38,886 --> 00:16:40,513
- Quadruple?
- Yeah, yeah.
293
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,599
You got four clogged arteries.
Right, Alan?
294
00:16:43,766 --> 00:16:47,103
Right, the doctor said it's lucky
you came when you did.
295
00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:51,065
Another few days and you'd have been
flopping around on the floor like a carp.
296
00:16:51,941 --> 00:16:54,318
It's no big deal, Mom.
They crack open you open...
297
00:16:54,485 --> 00:16:57,613
...flush out the pipes, sew you back up
and you're good as new.
298
00:16:57,780 --> 00:17:00,866
Except, you know, for the big,
gnarly scar on your chest.
299
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:02,660
They're prepping the OR.
300
00:17:02,827 --> 00:17:04,870
We got the best surgeon available.
301
00:17:05,037 --> 00:17:06,372
He's young but really sharp.
302
00:17:06,539 --> 00:17:08,374
And well-respected in his own country.
303
00:17:15,297 --> 00:17:17,091
Well, all right.
304
00:17:17,425 --> 00:17:21,137
If it has to be done, it has to be done.
305
00:17:29,186 --> 00:17:31,105
I love you, boys.
306
00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:36,861
If the worst should happen...
307
00:17:37,695 --> 00:17:39,655
...please remember that.
308
00:17:41,032 --> 00:17:43,659
- Yeah. Sure.
- Of course.
309
00:17:44,201 --> 00:17:46,120
Oh, my God, Evelyn
Are you all right?
310
00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:49,999
Oh, Judith, is that you?
311
00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,501
Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too.
312
00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:55,463
Oh, Jake.
Come to Grandmommy, darling.
313
00:17:55,629 --> 00:17:57,256
I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma.
314
00:17:57,423 --> 00:18:01,719
Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better
now that her little man is here.
315
00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:07,183
- I made you a get-well card.
- Oh, isn't that nice.
316
00:18:07,349 --> 00:18:08,851
Gift shop wasn't open?
317
00:18:12,104 --> 00:18:15,566
You said you had a plan.
Well, guess what? It was a bad plan.
318
00:18:15,733 --> 00:18:17,902
- Alan, calm down.
- The plan sucked.
319
00:18:18,778 --> 00:18:20,112
- Don't worry.
- Don't worry?
320
00:18:20,279 --> 00:18:23,407
She's expecting a quadruple bypass.
What are we gonna do?
321
00:18:23,574 --> 00:18:25,326
We're gonna get her one.
322
00:18:25,493 --> 00:18:28,245
Must be someone around here
who can handle a rib spreader.
323
00:18:28,412 --> 00:18:30,247
- Charlie, that's insane.
- You're right.
324
00:18:30,414 --> 00:18:32,792
There's no time. Better scrub up.
325
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:36,837
She had to drive herself to the hospital?
What is wrong with you two?
326
00:18:37,004 --> 00:18:39,673
- Relax, Judith. She's not sick.
- What?
327
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,010
She's faking and we called her bluff,
and then she called ours.
328
00:18:43,177 --> 00:18:45,638
So now, we're gonna
have to cut her open.
329
00:18:46,138 --> 00:18:47,765
You want in?
330
00:18:48,516 --> 00:18:50,643
Hey, guess what?
After Grandma's operation...
331
00:18:50,809 --> 00:18:53,145
...she's gonna take me
to Magic Mountain, okay?
332
00:18:53,312 --> 00:18:56,232
Yeah, yeah, that's okay.
We're gonna have to tell her.
333
00:18:56,398 --> 00:18:58,317
You sure?
We don't need to do the bypass.
334
00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,402
All we do is put her out,
slice her open.
335
00:19:00,569 --> 00:19:03,697
- The scar will sell it.
- The truth, Charlie.
336
00:19:06,575 --> 00:19:08,661
Doesn't have to be a big scar.
337
00:19:08,827 --> 00:19:11,539
Okay, doctor, let's schedule
this as quickly as possible.
338
00:19:11,705 --> 00:19:14,333
Oh, great. I'll be here.
339
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,377
Hello, boys.
340
00:19:17,211 --> 00:19:20,297
- What are you doing?
- lf I'm going to have to have surgery...
341
00:19:20,464 --> 00:19:21,882
...I want my own doctor.
342
00:19:22,049 --> 00:19:24,468
Mom, you don't really need a surgeon.
343
00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:27,137
Oh, but I do.
344
00:19:27,304 --> 00:19:30,099
Your quadruple bypass story
makes the perfect cover...
345
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,059
...for a little nip tuck.
346
00:19:32,226 --> 00:19:34,603
No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right?
347
00:19:36,105 --> 00:19:38,774
About Jake. I told him
I'd take him to Magic Mountain...
348
00:19:38,941 --> 00:19:41,443
...but you know
how I feel about direct sunlight.
349
00:19:42,486 --> 00:19:44,697
Yeah, and wolfbane.
350
00:19:45,489 --> 00:19:47,825
You'll take him for me,
won't you, Charlie?
351
00:19:47,992 --> 00:19:49,785
- Sure, Mom.
- I'll make it up to him...
352
00:19:49,952 --> 00:19:53,497
...by taking him out for a haircut
and some decent clothes.
353
00:19:53,664 --> 00:19:56,500
- He'll like that.
- Sure, Mom.
354
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:59,169
Maybe when his mother sees
how nice he could look...
355
00:19:59,336 --> 00:20:02,798
...she'll take the hint and stop dressing
him like a tackling dummy.
356
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:06,719
Oh, the food here is just dreadful.
357
00:20:06,885 --> 00:20:09,054
So why don't you boys
run across the street...
358
00:20:09,221 --> 00:20:10,764
...and get me a nice ahi tuna...
359
00:20:10,931 --> 00:20:12,975
Charlie, what in God's name
are you doing?
360
00:20:15,227 --> 00:20:17,146
Just practicing.
361
00:20:22,550 --> 00:20:24,594
The worker bees, or drones...
362
00:20:24,761 --> 00:20:28,222
... live a life of utter devotion
to their queen.
363
00:20:28,681 --> 00:20:31,017
You had a plan.
364
00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:34,729
From birth, these industrious
yet mindless creatures...
365
00:20:34,896 --> 00:20:37,482
... slave away to fulfill
the queen 's every need.
366
00:20:37,690 --> 00:20:41,194
"Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan."
367
00:20:42,612 --> 00:20:47,367
Until finally they reach the end
of their brief lifespan and die...
368
00:20:47,533 --> 00:20:50,662
... becoming food and building materials
for the rest of the hive.
369
00:20:50,828 --> 00:20:54,916
Alan, where's my sandwich?
370
00:20:55,708 --> 00:20:57,752
Coming, Mom.
371
00:20:58,795 --> 00:21:04,384
A cruel existence? Perhaps.
But that's life on the Animal Planet.
372
00:21:30,576 --> 00:21:32,662
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
373
00:21:32,829 --> 00:21:34,914
[ENGLISH]
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