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In 1979, on a school skiing trip,
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00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,760
PE teacher Tony Mammoth
was engulfed by an avalanche.
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00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,320
Perfectly preserved under the snow,
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00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,000
he was found and miraculously
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00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,520
brought by back to life
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00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,760
over 40 years later.
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00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,800
Wow, Year 10, that was amazing.
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00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,320
And I know how much work has
gone into that dance routine,
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00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,280
so you should be really
proud of yourselves.
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00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,600
Now, to finish the Christmas show,
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00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,320
we have a very special performance
from St Erin's Primary School.
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MAMMOTH WHISTLES
Skipper? Er...
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00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,040
Skipper!
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00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,080
Excuse me.
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00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,880
Change of plan -
I'm doing the finale.
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00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:42,920
What about the choir?
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00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,040
They are awful.
Just embarrassingly bad.
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00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,360
They'll get booed off.
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I'm doing this for them.
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00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,080
There you go.
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00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,160
AUDIENCE MURMURS
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00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,160
Sorry, what's going on?
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00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,000
Right, to finish things off
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00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,320
with some traditional
Christmas cheer,
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00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:02,240
please give a big round of applause
for everyone's favourite teacher,
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00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,760
Mr Mammoth...
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00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:08,360
What? ..and the canteen's very
own songbird, Miss Pickering.
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SCATTERED APPLAUSE
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00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,760
PIANO FLOURISH
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00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,080
Oh, God.
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AUDIENCE MURMURS
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00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,480
ALL GASP
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You've left me no choice,
Mr Mammoth.
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I'm afraid I have to suspend you.
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Suspend me?
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Well, I never thought
they'd get to you, Skipper.
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Who? The suits!
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00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,800
What's the charge? Trying to
spread a bit of Christmas cheer?
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00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,800
You were visibly...
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..aroused!
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00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,200
You could see it from 30 feet away!
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00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,520
Hmm, 30 feet?
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00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,840
You have to admit,
it was inappropriate.
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No, I don't. Mr Mammoth, please!
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I'm afraid you have to leave
with immediate effect.
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You're not getting away with this.
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Come on, Becky.
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We're leaving.
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Skipper.
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00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,360
Oh, I hate that song.
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Right, that's the Christmas food
all in the garage freezer.
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Seriously, there's
enough food there to...
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00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,200
SHE GASPS
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00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,240
What the hell's that?
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Mel, meet Starsky.
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00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,760
School guinea pig.
Looking after him for Christmas.
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00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,760
Doesn't one of the kids
usually do that?
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00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,080
Steven, Steven, Steven.
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00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,280
You're a good kid.
You're a great kid.
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00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,040
You're just too thick
to keep Starsky alive
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00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,240
for two weeks, aren't you?
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Heh. Yeah, I am, sir.
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Good lad. Merry Christmas.
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I'm surprised you haven't been
suspended earlier, to be honest.
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00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,280
Well, they'll have to reinstate me.
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00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,160
There's a massive
petition going round.
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I've signed it, Becky's signed it...
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..Roger's signed it.
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You can sign it.
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I'm asking the Skipper to sign it.
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00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,360
If you've got time to laze about,
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00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,280
playing with your...
little fat hamster,
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00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,960
why don't you make yourself useful?
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Decorate this place for Christmas.
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I already have.
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Pulling out all the stops.
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00:03:58,680 --> 00:03:59,960
Mum, Grandad...
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00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,480
Oh. Starsky?
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00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,800
Here he is, my little stud muffin -
with a Christmas card from a girl.
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00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,440
SHE WOLF-WHISTLES
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00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,280
"Merry Christmas from Seren."
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She put a little...
little kiss on the end.
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00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,640
Aww. Who is she?
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00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,080
Don't want to talk about it.
Fine, whatever.
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00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,960
I already know who she is.
I found her on Instagram.
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Turkey twice in a year.
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Parents must be minted.
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Speaking of turkey,
we have got loads of food in -
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00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,960
why don't we ask her
for Christmas dinner?
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00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,440
Mum, please stop.
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00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:31,560
She's just a girl from school.
She...barely notices me anyway.
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00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:35,200
Right, that is
Christmas morning TV sorted.
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00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:40,120
9am, Morecambe And Wise
Christmas Special 1971.
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00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:45,920
Then we've got Morecambe And
Wise Christmas Special 1972.
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00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:46,960
Then it's everyone's favourite...
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00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,360
As I keep saying, I'm volunteering
at the homeless shelter,
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like I do every year.
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Why don't you come?
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00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,240
I would, but I find
charity work boring.
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00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,920
But we're very low
on helpers this year.
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00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,520
Apart from Imogen.
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00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,840
Oh, no.
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Perfect Imogen.
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00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,920
Quite the little festive helper
is Imogen.
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00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,440
Nothing's too much
of an ask for Imogen.
106
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,480
Is she single?
107
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,560
No. She's very happily married
and don't we all know it?!
108
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,960
She's just a very nice woman
who Mum irrationally dislikes.
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I don't dislike her.
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PHONE CHIMES
Barely even think about her.
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00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,600
The Christmas presents have
gone to our house by mistake.
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Leave it with me.
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Your old dad'll save the day.
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I'll drive over there right now
and pick those up for you.
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CRASHING AND SHATTERING
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One soup.
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Super!
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There you go.
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, I'll see you later.
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Nice to see you. All right?
122
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,120
Oh, sorry, don't mind me.
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00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,400
Hi, Melanie!
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It's Mel. Just Mel.
It's always been just Mel.
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00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,200
Oh, God, so sorry. What am I like?
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00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,080
SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS
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Er, love your Christmas jumper.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,120
Oh, just that I love your jumper.
It's really nice.
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00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,160
Is it really?
131
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,000
Is it
really nice? Heh-heh-heh-heh!
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Cookie?
133
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:19,960
All right.
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00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,440
SHE SIGHS
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That's so good.
136
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,840
Secret recipe.
137
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,520
I could tell you,
but I'd have to kill you.
138
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,160
Oh, your threats
don't scare me, Imogen.
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Right. Heh.
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00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,800
Well, I'll see you later.
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00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,280
Can you believe her?
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00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,120
Imogen's great, ain't she?
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HE CHUCKLES
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So generous.
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00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,480
Well, I'm generous.
146
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,040
Oh, I am very generous.
147
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There you go.
148
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,080
Do you like coffee?
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00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,240
There's a loyalty card there.
Fill your boots.
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00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,920
Oh, and here we go.
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00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,040
40 quid.
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00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,920
HE CHUCKLES
Fandabidozi!
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00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,120
It's just Christmas.
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00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,040
Soup?
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00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,760
Super!
156
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,120
Could I have 40 quid?
157
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,760
No. Move along, please, love.
158
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,160
Soup?
159
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,320
Super!
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00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:19,840
I remember Leo Sayer telling me
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00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,120
that you can clean a painted wall
with a slice of bread.
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00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,160
Oh, wow.
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00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,440
Oh by the way, someone
stole all your presents
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from the back of my car.
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You what? Mm.
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Are you kidding me?
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No.
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00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,800
How did that...?
169
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,040
Why didn't you lock the car?!
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00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,000
Well, maybe I've got a little bit
more faith in my fellow man
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than you have, Mel.
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00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,120
Oh, well, that's lovely,
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00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,080
but your fellow man's just
nicked my Christmas presents!
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00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,760
I can't believe this!
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00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,600
What, er, were these?
176
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,160
Oh, me cookies!
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00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,840
I made these for the soup kitchen.
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00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,680
They were meant to make
Imogen's ones look rubbish.
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00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,600
Ho-ho! Hers are going
to look brilliant now.
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00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,320
You're not having
much luck today, are you?
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00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,000
First, that business with
the presents and now the cookies.
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00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,920
Oh, she's going to love this,
the nasty cow.
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00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,480
She's a perfectly nice person, Mum.
184
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,800
Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's dead nice.
185
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,480
You know she called me
a bitch earlier? Hmm?
186
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,360
With her eyes.
187
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,360
I bet she hasn't had
her Christmas presents nicked!
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Don't worry about Imogen.
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Don't worry about the presents.
I will replace all the presents.
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00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,520
Oh, yeah? How?!
You've been suspended without pay!
191
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,000
I'll get a job, Mel.
192
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,400
I'm not going to let you down
on our first Christmas together.
193
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,760
I've got nine decades
of work experience,
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I've got an unrivalled skill set.
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00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,160
I can walk into any job in the land.
196
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,960
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
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Elves!
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00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,040
Oh...
199
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,520
Will you two cheer up?
200
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,160
You're working with
Father Christmas.
201
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,000
It doesn't get
any better for an elf.
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00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,560
Focus.
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00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,040
Send in the children!
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00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,360
Ho-ho-ho!
205
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,840
Now, of course, Christmas
in the 1970s was the best.
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00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,280
Morecambe And Wise
on the television,
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00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,600
a take-out of Watneys Party Seven.
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00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,640
Ho-ho, you're too young
to remember that.
209
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,720
Mum, Santa keeps
talking about the past.
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00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,880
Can we go?
211
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,720
Don't go without your present.
212
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:06,800
There you go.
213
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,200
Merry Christmas, young Jenny.
214
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,600
It's Ava.
215
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,840
Whatever.
216
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,320
Next!
217
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,960
I didn't think being an elf
would involve apologising
218
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,320
for Father Christmas so much.
219
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,640
Thank you. Have a nice day.
220
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,760
Two lattes, please.
221
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,040
Oh, I'm so sorry,
we don't serve elves.
222
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,560
Oh, my God, Seren, it's...
It's me, Theo.
223
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,240
Yeah, I know.
224
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,960
Right.
225
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,200
So, what are you doing here?
226
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,640
Dying with embarrassment. Could they
have put me in anything more cringe?
227
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,280
This, maybe?
228
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,000
Oh, well, at least
you don't have pigtails.
229
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,720
I'd take them over these shoes.
230
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,240
Talk about toe-curling.
231
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,520
Shouldn't you be walking around
with a child with those dad jokes?
232
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,400
Yeah. And, look,
how do you like my bell-end?
233
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:14,760
The bell...
234
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,760
Sorry, the bell on-on the end of
my...on the end of my shoes.
235
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,400
I wasn't... I... I didn't mean...
236
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,440
Oh, God.
237
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,080
If you're quite finished, Casanova,
238
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,040
I'd like my coffee still warm.
239
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,680
Er, did you like my Christmas card?
240
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,920
Yes! Christmas...
241
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,600
..card, er...
242
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,000
I did.
243
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,040
Cards are great, aren't they?
244
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,000
You're making things worse.
245
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,400
Let's go, Romeo.
246
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,480
Hi. Hi, what can I get you?
Cappuccino, please.
247
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,880
And I would like a new bike, please.
248
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,880
Oh, what about your lovely mum?
249
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,600
What would she like for Christmas?
250
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,320
Mum likes wine, Santa.
251
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,000
Isobel!
ADULTS CHUCKLE
252
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,520
Father Christmas is rather partial
to the odd glass of wine himself.
253
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,000
Do you live
in the North Pole, Santa?
254
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,040
Oh, for a couple
of days a year, yes.
255
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,120
The rest of the time,
I live very locally.
256
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,840
But you know what they say -
257
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,680
when the elves are away,
the mouse will play.
258
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,640
Does Mrs Claus live with you?
259
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,760
No, she's dead.
260
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,960
Yes, devoured by a giant polar bear.
261
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,240
Horrific.
262
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,840
I live on my own now.
263
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,800
Her dying wish was for me
to find true happiness again.
264
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,240
I told you
to stay out of my business!
265
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,880
Ho-ho-ho! That's no way
to speak to Father Christmas!
266
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,760
Leave Santa alone!
267
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,000
Kid's got a point.
268
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,280
Aww. I'm sorry, love.
269
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,600
I just need a private word
with Father Christmas.
270
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,040
Don't forget your present.
271
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,080
Ooh!
272
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,880
Aww.
273
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,040
Did you - and I can't believe
I'm asking you this -
274
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,920
did you put guinea pig
droppings in Imogen's cookies?
275
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,840
Whoa, does Father Christmas
have access to a guinea pig?
276
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,880
Will you stop doing
that stupid voice?
277
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,280
All right. What are you playing at?
278
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,640
I was just trying
to take the shine off
279
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,960
Imogen's Christmas cookies
for you, wasn't I?
280
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,120
Cause a bit of a stir?
281
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,600
Well, you did cause a bit of a stir,
282
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,080
because Environmental Health
have shut the soup kitchen down!
283
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,160
Bloody penpushers.
284
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,240
Thanks to you,
there's a dozen homeless people
285
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,400
with nowhere to go on Christmas Day!
286
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,000
At least they're used to it.
287
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,640
I was trying to do you a favour,
Mel.
288
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,640
Well, do me this favour - don't
do me any more favours, right?
289
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,040
Do you want a pair
of football shorts?
290
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,080
No, I don't.
291
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,320
Next!
292
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,200
Oh... Hi, Seren.
293
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,840
What are you doing here?
294
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,440
I didn't forget to pay, did I?
295
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,840
No, I'm just on break.
296
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,600
I wondered what
you were doing for lunch.
297
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,280
Santa doesn't let us have lunch.
298
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,720
He says we already get
50 weeks a year off, so...
299
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,920
Shame. I was going to get a coffee.
300
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,080
I do really like coffee.
301
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,840
It's a really nice hot drink,
you know?
302
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,240
Trouble is, I don't like
the coffee at work.
303
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,320
I prefer the Costa near mine.
304
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,000
I might go there tomorrow
around six.
305
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,640
Six.
306
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,280
Well, that's a bit late
in the day for caffeine, isn't it?
307
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,200
You know what,
maybe you could go decaf.
308
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,680
For God's sake,
she's asking you out!
309
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,600
Is she?
310
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:09,800
She is.
311
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,240
Oh!
312
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,280
Er...
313
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,760
Yes. Great.
314
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,600
Yes. So, so, so, that's a...
that's a date.
315
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,640
It's a date.
316
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,680
Yeah!
317
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,400
LAUGHTER ON TV
Ah...
318
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,000
No, no, no, that stupid elf
make-up you made me wear!
319
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,680
This can't be happening to me!
320
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,080
Oh-ho-ho, bloody hell,
look at your face!
321
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,920
Yes, thank you, Grandad.
Fully aware of that.
322
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,240
But what am I going to do?
I've got my date with Seren at six.
323
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,720
Theo, calm down.
324
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,520
I've got just the thing for you
in the garage.
325
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,160
One word...
326
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,360
Possibly two words - sunbed.
327
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,200
Aren't sunbeds, like,
really dangerous?
328
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,600
Everything's dangerous.
329
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,240
You can kill a man with a brick.
330
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,120
You still build houses out of 'em.
331
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,160
Mm... I don't know.
332
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:04,400
Burt Reynolds, Oliver Reed, me -
what have we all got in common?
333
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,160
Drinking problems?
334
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,600
No. Golden tans
and flawless complexions.
335
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,640
Honestly, 20 minutes on there,
336
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,800
you'll be looking like
Engelbert Humperdinck in no time.
337
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,480
Come on.
338
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,520
Who?
339
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,800
I'm sure there's a very good reason
why Grandad left you on the sunbed
340
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,160
for an hour and a half.
341
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,880
Morecambe And Wise -
Tom Jones special.
342
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,480
How bad is it?
343
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,120
Am I going to look stupid
on my date?
344
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,520
No...
345
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,040
Does this place
you're going to have lighting?
346
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,800
Why is there water on the floor?
347
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,680
Oh, no...
348
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,720
No, no, no, no, no, no...
349
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,000
SHE GASPS AND RETCHES
350
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,040
Oh...
351
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,200
The Christmas food!
352
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,640
Please tell me you didn't unplug
the freezer to plug that thing in.
353
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,840
Well, of course not.
354
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,960
I unplugged it two days ago
to charge the car batteries up,
355
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,600
but I definitely plugged it back in,
356
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,040
I'm sure I did.
357
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,760
I-I think I did, yeah.
358
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,360
I'm sure... I'm sure
I plugged it back...
359
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,720
I definitely plugged it back in,
yeah.
360
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,120
I can't do this any more.
361
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,360
Because of you, I've lost my home,
362
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,720
I've been demoted,
I've got no Christmas presents,
363
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,080
no food and a son who glows
in the friggin' dark!
364
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,400
You look great, love.
365
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,200
I wish you'd never come back.
366
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,520
Now, I know you don't mean that.
367
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,280
Come on, Theo, pack a bag.
We're going home.
368
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,280
But, Mum, our house hasn't got
any electricity or any gas.
369
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,560
And it's got no him either,
so it sounds perfect.
370
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,400
Oh, that stinks.
371
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,640
Ho-ho-ho! Who's next?
372
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,400
Gary? What the hell's going on?
373
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,880
You didn't turn up for work on
the busiest day of the year, Tony.
374
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,560
I'm only three hours late.
375
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,920
You're sacked.
376
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,600
Sacking a man on Christmas Eve?
377
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,000
And not just any man -
Father Christmas?
378
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,880
Well, you're worse than Scrooge.
379
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,360
Come on, Roger, we're going.
380
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,160
Pub and midnight mass,
like the good old days.
381
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,320
No, Mammoth. Not going anywhere.
382
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,520
Gary here knows how to treat an elf.
383
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,200
Mmm. Go home to your family.
384
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,440
You're leaving me as well.
385
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,320
Looks like
nobody wants to be with me.
386
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,680
Kids! That's not
the real Father Christmas.
387
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,200
His name's Gary, and he's a wanker!
388
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,600
CHILDREN GASP
389
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:50,600
a house that's not a home
390
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:58,440
a Christmas all alone
391
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,320
since you left me
392
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,720
Who needs family anyway?
393
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,080
I got this far on my own.
394
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,040
Where am I?
395
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,080
You're in a dream.
396
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,640
Barry, old mate.
397
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,000
But you're dead.
398
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm here to show you
the ghosts of Christmas future.
399
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,960
Why are we dressed in silver?
400
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
I don't know. It's your dream.
401
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,560
I'm here to tell you
something very important.
402
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,680
I can't overstate how important
it is for you to hear this.
403
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,040
HE SNORES
404
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,320
Oi! Mammoth!
405
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,400
Ugh!
406
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,520
How can you fall asleep
in your own dream, huh?
407
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,400
Sorry, Barry. Go on.
408
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,760
I'm here to stop you
making a big mistake.
409
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,360
You need to make things right
with Mel and Theo!
410
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,920
They don't need me.
411
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,520
Mel was right.
412
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,360
I should never have come back.
413
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:24,320
Let me show you what Mel and Theo's
life would be like without you.
414
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,560
Well, come on!
You're supposed to follow me!
415
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,840
I need to ask you a question, Barry.
Oh...
416
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,040
I need to ask you THE question.
417
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,480
Heaven, Barry...
418
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,480
..is it everything we ever
hoped and dreamed it would be?
419
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,200
What's it like, Barry?
420
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,800
Tell me.
421
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,520
It's all right.
422
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,160
Why are we in my house, Barry?
423
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,200
Just watch, Mammoth!
424
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,520
And please, no more questions.
425
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,360
Oh, great game of padel, Mum.
426
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,640
Yeah, padel's the best sport!
427
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,720
And it is a sport.
428
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:13,920
No, it's not!
PHONE CHIMES
429
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,520
They can't hear you!
430
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,680
Oh, great!
431
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,440
The car dealer said
we can get a good deal
432
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,720
on selling Mammoth's Capri.
433
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,200
Oh, great, we can use the money
to buy me an electric car. Yeah!
434
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,240
Oh, God, I feel sick!
435
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,440
Hey, guys!
Hey! Hey!
436
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,040
Why is Roger in my house, Barry?
437
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,600
Will you shut up?!
438
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,400
I've been giving all of Mammoth's
old clothes away to charity.
439
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,640
Oh, thanks, Roger!
440
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,240
You know we love you living
here instead of Mammoth.
441
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,800
And...can I call you
Uncle Roger from now on? Oh!
442
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,720
Aww, will you be
my grand-uncle, Roger?
443
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,560
Of course!
444
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,080
And I think we all know
I'll do a better job than Mammoth!
445
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,680
LAUGHTER
446
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:58,320
Noooooooo!
447
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,560
HE GASPS
448
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,720
Five o'clock in the morning.
449
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,400
There's still time
to save Christmas.
450
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,560
Thank you, Barry.
451
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,320
Shut up and go get 'em, champ!
452
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:24,440
and exchanging kisses
453
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,040
Roger, now, I need your help.
454
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,600
Can you drive a minibus?
455
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,920
I haven't driven a minibus
in more than 30 years!
456
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,600
Well, I need you
to drive one right now.
457
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,920
OK, but I must be back
in time for Christmas lunch.
458
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,440
We're having turkey,
pigs in blankets, stuffing...
459
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,480
..figgy pudding!
460
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,920
Oh, sounds perfect.
461
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,400
Anyway, look, this is
what I need you to do.
462
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,640
Hey! Why can't you do this?
463
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,400
Roger, I can't do everything.
464
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,120
I've got Christmas to save.
465
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,120
Please!
466
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,760
Oh, it's you.
467
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,280
Can you forgive an old fool?
468
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,000
No.
469
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,880
I'll be honest, I thought
you were going to say yes then.
470
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,960
Listen, Mel, I know you're angry.
471
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,920
Let me make it up to you.
472
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,760
I don't want you to make it up.
473
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,880
I don't want you anywhere near us.
474
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,080
Who is it?
475
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,640
Oh, hi, Grandad.
476
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,560
Oh, your face has
gone right down, Theo.
477
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,720
Told you it would, didn't I?
478
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,360
Mum made me sleep
with nappy cream on.
479
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,400
Ugh.
480
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,520
Listen, I'm sorry, OK?
481
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,240
Just... I've come to invite you both
over to my place
482
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,360
for Christmas dinner.
483
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,720
Oh, yeah? To eat
all the food that you ruined?
484
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,200
Yeah, great plan!
485
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,080
Why don't we add food poisoning
and the shits to the list of things
486
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,720
that you're going
to get us this Christmas?
487
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,080
I have sourced other food, OK?
488
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,760
And I don't want any help -
I've already cooked it.
489
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,680
Yes - me, a man.
490
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,040
We're having a perfectly nice
Christmas here, thank you,
491
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,400
just the two of us.
492
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,720
Although...
493
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,080
..there's no heating and
we are eating petrol station food.
494
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,400
Not that I'm not loving
my Monster Munch...
495
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:21,160
I know I don't deserve another
chance. OK, Mel? And I'm sorry.
496
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,720
Please, I don't want to be alone.
497
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,160
Not at Christmas.
498
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,520
All right, fine.
499
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,960
But only cos
it's friggin' freezin' in here.
500
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,000
Thank y...
501
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,680
Yeah.
502
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,160
I'll just wait in the car.
503
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:47,680
DOOR CLOSES
504
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,920
SHE GASPS
505
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,720
Well?
506
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,920
Mammoth, it's beautiful. Heh-heh.
507
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,680
It's like a Christmas advert,
and a good one, like M&S.
508
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:57,920
Did you do all of this on your own?
509
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:58,960
Yeah, yeah.
510
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,160
Well, you know,
I had some help, you know.
511
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,640
Hot stuff coming through!
512
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,840
Do you know what, Mammoth?
513
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,600
I don't know and I don't
want to know, but...
514
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,600
..just thanks for this.
DOORBELL RINGS
515
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,360
Smells like the rest
of the guests arriving.
516
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:11,400
Sorry?
517
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,480
I know you felt really bad
that your competitive streak
518
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,960
got the tramp cafe shut down...
519
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,760
Homeless shelter.
DOORBELL RINGS
520
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,080
..so I've arranged
a little present for you.
521
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,560
Stay there.
522
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,640
CHEERING
523
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,320
Merry Christmas,
my homeless friends!
524
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,840
Come in, come in, come in.
Merry Christmas!
525
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:29,480
Help yourself
to wine, beer, champagne.
526
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,560
If you're an alky,
there's buck's fizz.
527
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,000
Or make yourself a shandy.
528
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,760
Aww, God bless us, everyone.
529
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,480
Well done, Roger.
530
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,040
You made up, in some small way,
531
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,560
for all those mean things
you said about me in my dream.
532
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,160
Any chance I could stay too?
533
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:45,360
Of course.
534
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:46,760
You won't believe this,
535
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,560
but somebody's stolen all
our food for the Christmas lunch.
536
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,280
MAMMOTH GASPS
On Christmas Day?
537
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,040
That's unbelievable.
538
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,680
Well, guess what I've got?
539
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,880
Figgy pudding.
ROGER GASPS
540
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,280
Figgy pudding?!
541
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,200
DOORBELL RINGS
542
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,600
Seren?
543
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,920
What are you doing here?
544
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,560
Mr Mammoth said you'd be here...
545
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,160
..through my letterbox...
546
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,440
..at six this morning.
547
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,160
Grandad, people don't really
do that any more. It...
548
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,400
It's old-fashioned and...
549
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,640
Merry Christmas, Theo.
550
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,200
Well, don't just leave her
standing there on the doorstep.
551
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,560
She's not the bottle of milk.
552
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,600
Come in.
553
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,000
I've told him. I've told him
you're called homeless.
554
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,600
You're not allowed
to say tramps any more.
555
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,040
Do you... Do you like
being called tramps?
556
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,520
Is that...? You don't like that...
557
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,520
Ooh, hello, Seren. Hiya.
558
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,880
SHE GASPS
559
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,560
This is just perfect.
560
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,040
Well, almost perfect.
561
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,400
One last present for ya.
562
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,440
SHE SQUEALS
563
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,800
What if I told you the perfect
Imogen woke up this morning
564
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,440
to find some pretty offensive
graffiti all over her front wall?
565
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,480
You what?
566
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,440
If people believe
one tenth of what's on there,
567
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,760
she'll be run out of town
within the week.
568
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,680
Oh, my God...
569
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:57,760
That is...
570
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,280
..the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
571
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,360
Thanks.
572
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,920
I know we don't always,
you know, see eye to eye,
573
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,080
but Christmas is about family and...
574
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,840
..about being together.
575
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,000
Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.
576
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,040
Where are you off to?
577
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,080
Too noisy in here.
578
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,800
I won't be able to enjoy
Morecambe And Wise,
579
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,360
so I'll go and watch it
at Skipper's house.
580
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,960
What about this lot?
581
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,000
Yeah, good point.
582
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,280
Er, excuse me, everyone.
583
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,960
Just wanted to say
thank you for coming.
584
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,280
Tramps, if you want
somewhere to say tonight,
585
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,280
Mel's got an empty house -
29 Mill Road.
586
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,920
Key's under the flowerpot.
587
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:34,960
Merry Christmas!
588
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,560
Merry Christmas!
589
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:38,600
Er...
590
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,280
Ah, magic!
41331
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