Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip,

PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an avalanche.

Perfectly preserved under the snow,

he was found and miraculously

brought by back to life

over 40 years later.

Wow, Year 10, that was amazing.

And I know how much work has gone into that dance routine,

so you should be really proud of yourselves.

Now, to finish the Christmas show,

we have a very special performance from St Erin's Primary School.

MAMMOTH WHISTLES Skipper? Er...

Skipper!

Excuse me.

Change of plan - I'm doing the finale.

What about the choir?

They are awful. Just embarrassingly bad.

They'll get booed off.

I'm doing this for them.

There you go.

AUDIENCE MURMURS

Sorry, what's going on?

Right, to finish things off

with some traditional Christmas cheer,

please give a big round of applause for everyone's favourite teacher,

Mr Mammoth...

What? ..and the canteen's very own songbird, Miss Pickering.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

PIANO FLOURISH

Oh, God.

AUDIENCE MURMURS

ALL GASP

You've left me no choice, Mr Mammoth.

I'm afraid I have to suspend you.

Suspend me?

Well, I never thought they'd get to you, Skipper.

Who? The suits!

What's the charge? Trying to spread a bit of Christmas cheer?

You were visibly...

..aroused!

You could see it from 30 feet away!

Hmm, 30 feet?

You have to admit, it was inappropriate.

No, I don't. Mr Mammoth, please!

I'm afraid you have to leave with immediate effect.

You're not getting away with this.

Come on, Becky.

We're leaving.

Skipper.

Oh, I hate that song.

Right, that's the Christmas food all in the garage freezer.

Seriously, there's enough food there to...

SHE GASPS

What the hell's that?

Mel, meet Starsky.

School guinea pig. Looking after him for Christmas.

Doesn't one of the kids usually do that?

Steven, Steven, Steven.

You're a good kid. You're a great kid.

You're just too thick to keep Starsky alive

for two weeks, aren't you?

Heh. Yeah, I am, sir.

Good lad. Merry Christmas.

I'm surprised you haven't been suspended earlier, to be honest.

Well, they'll have to reinstate me.

There's a massive petition going round.

I've signed it, Becky's signed it...

..Roger's signed it.

You can sign it.

I'm asking the Skipper to sign it.

If you've got time to laze about,

playing with your... little fat hamster,

why don't you make yourself useful?

Decorate this place for Christmas.

I already have.

Pulling out all the stops.

Mum, Grandad...

Oh. Starsky?

Here he is, my little stud muffin - with a Christmas card from a girl.

SHE WOLF-WHISTLES

"Merry Christmas from Seren."

She put a little... little kiss on the end.

Aww. Who is she?

Don't want to talk about it. Fine, whatever.

I already know who she is. I found her on Instagram.

Turkey twice in a year.

Parents must be minted.

Speaking of turkey, we have got loads of food in -

why don't we ask her for Christmas dinner?

Mum, please stop.

She's just a girl from school. She...barely notices me anyway.

Right, that is Christmas morning TV sorted.

9am, Morecambe And Wise Christmas Special 1971.

Then we've got Morecambe And Wise Christmas Special 1972.

Then it's everyone's favourite...

As I keep saying, I'm volunteering at the homeless shelter,

like I do every year.

Why don't you come?

I would, but I find charity work boring.

But we're very low on helpers this year.

Apart from Imogen.

Oh, no.

Perfect Imogen.

Quite the little festive helper is Imogen.

Nothing's too much of an ask for Imogen.

Is she single?

No. She's very happily married and don't we all know it?!

She's just a very nice woman who Mum irrationally dislikes.

I don't dislike her.

PHONE CHIMES Barely even think about her.

The Christmas presents have gone to our house by mistake.

Leave it with me.

Your old dad'll save the day.

I'll drive over there right now and pick those up for you.

CRASHING AND SHATTERING

One soup.

Super!

There you go.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'll see you later.

Nice to see you. All right?

Oh, sorry, don't mind me.

Hi, Melanie!

It's Mel. Just Mel. It's always been just Mel.

Oh, God, so sorry. What am I like?

SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Er, love your Christmas jumper.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, just that I love your jumper. It's really nice.

Is it really?

Is it really nice? Heh-heh-heh-heh!

Cookie?

All right.

SHE SIGHS

That's so good.

Secret recipe.

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

Oh, your threats don't scare me, Imogen.

Right. Heh.

Well, I'll see you later.

Can you believe her?

Imogen's great, ain't she?

HE CHUCKLES

So generous.

Well, I'm generous.

Oh, I am very generous.

There you go.

Do you like coffee?

There's a loyalty card there. Fill your boots.

Oh, and here we go.

40 quid.

HE CHUCKLES Fandabidozi!

It's just Christmas.

Soup?

Super!

Could I have 40 quid?

No. Move along, please, love.

Soup?

Super!

I remember Leo Sayer telling me

that you can clean a painted wall with a slice of bread.

Oh, wow.

Oh by the way, someone stole all your presents

from the back of my car.

You what? Mm.

Are you kidding me?

No.

How did that...?

Why didn't you lock the car?!

Well, maybe I've got a little bit more faith in my fellow man

than you have, Mel.

Oh, well, that's lovely,

but your fellow man's just nicked my Christmas presents!

I can't believe this!

What, er, were these?

Oh, me cookies!

I made these for the soup kitchen.

They were meant to make Imogen's ones look rubbish.

Ho-ho! Hers are going to look brilliant now.

You're not having much luck today, are you?

First, that business with the presents and now the cookies.

Oh, she's going to love this, the nasty cow.

She's a perfectly nice person, Mum.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's dead nice.

You know she called me a bitch earlier? Hmm?

With her eyes.

I bet she hasn't had her Christmas presents nicked!

Don't worry about Imogen.

Don't worry about the presents. I will replace all the presents.

Oh, yeah? How?! You've been suspended without pay!

I'll get a job, Mel.

I'm not going to let you down on our first Christmas together.

I've got nine decades of work experience,

I've got an unrivalled skill set.

I can walk into any job in the land.

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Elves!

Oh...

Will you two cheer up?

You're working with Father Christmas.

It doesn't get any better for an elf.

Focus.

Send in the children!

Ho-ho-ho!

Now, of course, Christmas in the 1970s was the best.

Morecambe And Wise on the television,

a take-out of Watneys Party Seven.

Ho-ho, you're too young to remember that.

Mum, Santa keeps talking about the past.

Can we go?

Don't go without your present.

There you go.

Merry Christmas, young Jenny.

It's Ava.

Whatever.

Next!

I didn't think being an elf would involve apologising

for Father Christmas so much.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Two lattes, please.

Oh, I'm so sorry, we don't serve elves.

Oh, my God, Seren, it's... It's me, Theo.

Yeah, I know.

Right.

So, what are you doing here?

Dying with embarrassment. Could they have put me in anything more cringe?

This, maybe?

Oh, well, at least you don't have pigtails.

I'd take them over these shoes.

Talk about toe-curling.

Shouldn't you be walking around with a child with those dad jokes?

Yeah. And, look, how do you like my bell-end?

The bell...

Sorry, the bell on-on the end of my...on the end of my shoes.

I wasn't... I... I didn't mean...

Oh, God.

If you're quite finished, Casanova,

I'd like my coffee still warm.

Er, did you like my Christmas card?

Yes! Christmas...

..card, er...

I did.

Cards are great, aren't they?

You're making things worse.

Let's go, Romeo.

Hi. Hi, what can I get you? Cappuccino, please.

And I would like a new bike, please.

Oh, what about your lovely mum?

What would she like for Christmas?

Mum likes wine, Santa.

Isobel! ADULTS CHUCKLE

Father Christmas is rather partial to the odd glass of wine himself.

Do you live in the North Pole, Santa?

Oh, for a couple of days a year, yes.

The rest of the time, I live very locally.

But you know what they say -

when the elves are away, the mouse will play.

Does Mrs Claus live with you?

No, she's dead.

Yes, devoured by a giant polar bear.

Horrific.

I live on my own now.

Her dying wish was for me to find true happiness again.

I told you to stay out of my business!

Ho-ho-ho! That's no way to speak to Father Christmas!

Leave Santa alone!

Kid's got a point.

Aww. I'm sorry, love.

I just need a private word with Father Christmas.

Don't forget your present.

Ooh!

Aww.

Did you - and I can't believe I'm asking you this -

did you put guinea pig droppings in Imogen's cookies?

Whoa, does Father Christmas have access to a guinea pig?

Will you stop doing that stupid voice?

All right. What are you playing at?

I was just trying to take the shine off

Imogen's Christmas cookies for you, wasn't I?

Cause a bit of a stir?

Well, you did cause a bit of a stir,

because Environmental Health have shut the soup kitchen down!

Bloody penpushers.

Thanks to you, there's a dozen homeless people

with nowhere to go on Christmas Day!

At least they're used to it.

I was trying to do you a favour, Mel.

Well, do me this favour - don't do me any more favours, right?

Do you want a pair of football shorts?

No, I don't.

Next!

Oh... Hi, Seren.

What are you doing here?

I didn't forget to pay, did I?

No, I'm just on break.

I wondered what you were doing for lunch.

Santa doesn't let us have lunch.

He says we already get 50 weeks a year off, so...

Shame. I was going to get a coffee.

I do really like coffee.

It's a really nice hot drink, you know?

Trouble is, I don't like the coffee at work.

I prefer the Costa near mine.

I might go there tomorrow around six.

Six.

Well, that's a bit late in the day for caffeine, isn't it?

You know what, maybe you could go decaf.

For God's sake, she's asking you out!

Is she?

She is.

Oh!

Er...

Yes. Great.

Yes. So, so, so, that's a... that's a date.

It's a date.

Yeah!

LAUGHTER ON TV Ah...

No, no, no, that stupid elf make-up you made me wear!

This can't be happening to me!

Oh-ho-ho, bloody hell, look at your face!

Yes, thank you, Grandad. Fully aware of that.

But what am I going to do? I've got my date with Seren at six.

Theo, calm down.

I've got just the thing for you in the garage.

One word...

Possibly two words - sunbed.

Aren't sunbeds, like, really dangerous?

Everything's dangerous.

You can kill a man with a brick.

You still build houses out of 'em.

Mm... I don't know.

Burt Reynolds, Oliver Reed, me - what have we all got in common?

Drinking problems?

No. Golden tans and flawless complexions.

Honestly, 20 minutes on there,

you'll be looking like Engelbert Humperdinck in no time.

Come on.

Who?

I'm sure there's a very good reason why Grandad left you on the sunbed

for an hour and a half.

Morecambe And Wise - Tom Jones special.

How bad is it?

Am I going to look stupid on my date?

No...

Does this place you're going to have lighting?

Why is there water on the floor?

Oh, no...

No, no, no, no, no, no...

SHE GASPS AND RETCHES

Oh...

The Christmas food!

Please tell me you didn't unplug the freezer to plug that thing in.

Well, of course not.

I unplugged it two days ago to charge the car batteries up,

but I definitely plugged it back in,

I'm sure I did.

I-I think I did, yeah.

I'm sure... I'm sure I plugged it back...

I definitely plugged it back in, yeah.

I can't do this any more.

Because of you, I've lost my home,

I've been demoted, I've got no Christmas presents,

no food and a son who glows in the friggin' dark!

You look great, love.

I wish you'd never come back.

Now, I know you don't mean that.

Come on, Theo, pack a bag. We're going home.

But, Mum, our house hasn't got any electricity or any gas.

And it's got no him either, so it sounds perfect.

Oh, that stinks.

Ho-ho-ho! Who's next?

Gary? What the hell's going on?

You didn't turn up for work on the busiest day of the year, Tony.

I'm only three hours late.

You're sacked.

Sacking a man on Christmas Eve?

And not just any man - Father Christmas?

Well, you're worse than Scrooge.

Come on, Roger, we're going.

Pub and midnight mass, like the good old days.

No, Mammoth. Not going anywhere.

Gary here knows how to treat an elf.

Mmm. Go home to your family.

You're leaving me as well.

Looks like nobody wants to be with me.

Kids! That's not the real Father Christmas.

His name's Gary, and he's a wanker!

CHILDREN GASP

a house that's not a home

a Christmas all alone

since you left me

Who needs family anyway?

I got this far on my own.

Where am I?

You're in a dream.

Barry, old mate.

But you're dead.

I'm here to show you the ghosts of Christmas future.

Why are we dressed in silver?

I don't know. It's your dream.

I'm here to tell you something very important.

I can't overstate how important it is for you to hear this.

HE SNORES

Oi! Mammoth!

Ugh!

How can you fall asleep in your own dream, huh?

Sorry, Barry. Go on.

I'm here to stop you making a big mistake.

You need to make things right with Mel and Theo!

They don't need me.

Mel was right.

I should never have come back.

Let me show you what Mel and Theo's life would be like without you.

Well, come on! You're supposed to follow me!

I need to ask you a question, Barry. Oh...

I need to ask you THE question.

Heaven, Barry...

..is it everything we ever hoped and dreamed it would be?

What's it like, Barry?

Tell me.

It's all right.

Why are we in my house, Barry?

Just watch, Mammoth!

And please, no more questions.

Oh, great game of padel, Mum.

Yeah, padel's the best sport!

And it is a sport.

No, it's not! PHONE CHIMES

They can't hear you!

Oh, great!

The car dealer said we can get a good deal

on selling Mammoth's Capri.

Oh, great, we can use the money to buy me an electric car. Yeah!

Oh, God, I feel sick!

Hey, guys! Hey! Hey!

Why is Roger in my house, Barry?

Will you shut up?!

I've been giving all of Mammoth's old clothes away to charity.

Oh, thanks, Roger!

You know we love you living here instead of Mammoth.

And...can I call you Uncle Roger from now on? Oh!

Aww, will you be my grand-uncle, Roger?

Of course!

And I think we all know I'll do a better job than Mammoth!

LAUGHTER

Noooooooo!

HE GASPS

Five o'clock in the morning.

There's still time to save Christmas.

Thank you, Barry.

Shut up and go get 'em, champ!

and exchanging kisses

Roger, now, I need your help.

Can you drive a minibus?

I haven't driven a minibus in more than 30 years!

Well, I need you to drive one right now.

OK, but I must be back in time for Christmas lunch.

We're having turkey, pigs in blankets, stuffing...

..figgy pudding!

Oh, sounds perfect.

Anyway, look, this is what I need you to do.

Hey! Why can't you do this?

Roger, I can't do everything.

I've got Christmas to save.

Please!

Oh, it's you.

Can you forgive an old fool?

No.

I'll be honest, I thought you were going to say yes then.

Listen, Mel, I know you're angry.

Let me make it up to you.

I don't want you to make it up.

I don't want you anywhere near us.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Grandad.

Oh, your face has gone right down, Theo.

Told you it would, didn't I?

Mum made me sleep with nappy cream on.

Ugh.

Listen, I'm sorry, OK?

Just... I've come to invite you both over to my place

for Christmas dinner.

Oh, yeah? To eat all the food that you ruined?

Yeah, great plan!

Why don't we add food poisoning and the shits to the list of things

that you're going to get us this Christmas?

I have sourced other food, OK?

And I don't want any help - I've already cooked it.

Yes - me, a man.

We're having a perfectly nice Christmas here, thank you,

just the two of us.

Although...

..there's no heating and we are eating petrol station food.

Not that I'm not loving my Monster Munch...

I know I don't deserve another chance. OK, Mel? And I'm sorry.

Please, I don't want to be alone.

Not at Christmas.

All right, fine.

But only cos it's friggin' freezin' in here.

Thank y...

Yeah.

I'll just wait in the car.

DOOR CLOSES

SHE GASPS

Well?

Mammoth, it's beautiful. Heh-heh.

It's like a Christmas advert, and a good one, like M&S.

Did you do all of this on your own?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, I had some help, you know.

Hot stuff coming through!

Do you know what, Mammoth?

I don't know and I don't want to know, but...

..just thanks for this. DOORBELL RINGS

Smells like the rest of the guests arriving.

Sorry?

I know you felt really bad that your competitive streak

got the tramp cafe shut down...

Homeless shelter. DOORBELL RINGS

..so I've arranged a little present for you.

Stay there.

CHEERING

Merry Christmas, my homeless friends!

Come in, come in, come in. Merry Christmas!

Help yourself to wine, beer, champagne.

If you're an alky, there's buck's fizz.

Or make yourself a shandy.

Aww, God bless us, everyone.

Well done, Roger.

You made up, in some small way,

for all those mean things you said about me in my dream.

Any chance I could stay too?

Of course.

You won't believe this,

but somebody's stolen all our food for the Christmas lunch.

MAMMOTH GASPS On Christmas Day?

That's unbelievable.

Well, guess what I've got?

Figgy pudding. ROGER GASPS

Figgy pudding?!

DOORBELL RINGS

Seren?

What are you doing here?

Mr Mammoth said you'd be here...

..through my letterbox...

..at six this morning.

Grandad, people don't really do that any more. It...

It's old-fashioned and...

Merry Christmas, Theo.

Well, don't just leave her standing there on the doorstep.

She's not the bottle of milk.

Come in.

I've told him. I've told him you're called homeless.

You're not allowed to say tramps any more.

Do you... Do you like being called tramps?

Is that...? You don't like that...

Ooh, hello, Seren. Hiya.

SHE GASPS

This is just perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

One last present for ya.

SHE SQUEALS

What if I told you the perfect Imogen woke up this morning

to find some pretty offensive graffiti all over her front wall?

You what?

If people believe one tenth of what's on there,

she'll be run out of town within the week.

Oh, my God...

That is...

..the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thanks.

I know we don't always, you know, see eye to eye,

but Christmas is about family and...

..about being together.

Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.

Where are you off to?

Too noisy in here.

I won't be able to enjoy Morecambe And Wise,

so I'll go and watch it at Skipper's house.

What about this lot?

Yeah, good point.

Er, excuse me, everyone.

Just wanted to say thank you for coming.

Tramps, if you want somewhere to say tonight,

Mel's got an empty house - 29 Mill Road.

Key's under the flowerpot.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Er...

Ah, magic!