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In 1979, on a school skiing trip,
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00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,759
PE teacher Tony Mammoth
was engulfed by an avalanche.
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Perfectly preserved under the snow,
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00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:11,999
he was found and miraculously
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00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,519
brought by back to life
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00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,760
over 40 years later.
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00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,799
Wow, Year 10, that was amazing.
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00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,319
And I know how much work has
gone into that dance routine,
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00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,550
so you should be really
proud of yourselves.
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00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,599
Now, to finish the Christmas show,
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00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,319
we have a very special performance
from St Erin's Primary School.
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00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,890
MAMMOTH WHISTLES
Skipper? Er...
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00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,039
Skipper!
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00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,090
Excuse me.
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00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,879
Change of plan -
I'm doing the finale.
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00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:42,919
What about the choir?
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00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,039
They are awful.
Just embarrassingly bad.
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They'll get booed off.
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00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,039
I'm doing this for them.
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00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,079
There you go.
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00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,159
AUDIENCE MURMURS
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00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,159
Sorry, what's going on?
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00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,999
Right, to finish things off
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00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,319
with some traditional
Christmas cheer,
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00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:02,239
please give a big round of applause
for everyone's favourite teacher,
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Mr Mammoth...
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00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:08,359
What? ..and the canteen's very
own songbird, Miss Pickering.
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SCATTERED APPLAUSE
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PIANO FLOURISH
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# Deck the hall with boughs of holly
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# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
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# 'Tis the season to be jolly
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# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
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# Don we now our gay apparel
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# Fa-la-la, fa-la-la, la-la-la
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# Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol... #
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TUNELESSLY:
# Fa-la-laaa, laa-laa-laaaa. #
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Oh, God.
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AUDIENCE MURMURS
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ALL GASP
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You've left me no choice,
Mr Mammoth.
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I'm afraid I have to suspend you.
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Suspend me?
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Well, I never thought
they'd get to you, Skipper.
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Who? The suits!
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What's the charge? Trying to
spread a bit of Christmas cheer?
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You were visibly...
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..aroused!
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You could see it from 30 feet away!
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Hmm, 30 feet?
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You have to admit,
it was inappropriate.
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No, I don't. Mr Mammoth, please!
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I'm afraid you have to leave
with immediate effect.
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You're not getting away with this.
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Come on, Becky.
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We're leaving.
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Skipper.
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# Five gold rings
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# Four... #
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00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,359
Oh, I hate that song.
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00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,639
Right, that's the Christmas food
all in the garage freezer.
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00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,119
Seriously, there's
enough food there to...
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SHE GASPS
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What the hell's that?
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Mel, meet Starsky.
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School guinea pig.
Looking after him for Christmas.
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Doesn't one of the kids
usually do that?
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Steven, Steven, Steven.
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You're a good kid.
You're a great kid.
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You're just too thick
to keep Starsky alive
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for two weeks, aren't you?
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Heh. Yeah, I am, sir.
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Good lad. Merry Christmas.
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I'm surprised you haven't been
suspended earlier, to be honest.
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Well, they'll have to reinstate me.
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There's a massive
petition going round.
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I've signed it, Becky's signed it...
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..Roger's signed it.
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You can sign it.
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I'm asking the Skipper to sign it.
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If you've got time to laze about,
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playing with your...
little fat hamster,
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why don't you make yourself useful?
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Decorate this place for Christmas.
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I already have.
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Pulling out all the stops.
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Mum, Grandad...
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Oh. Starsky?
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00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,799
Here he is, my little stud muffin -
with a Christmas card from a girl.
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00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,439
SHE WOLF-WHISTLES
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"Merry Christmas from Seren."
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She put a little...
little kiss on the end.
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Aww. Who is she?
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Don't want to talk about it.
Fine, whatever.
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I already know who she is.
I found her on Instagram.
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Turkey twice in a year.
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Parents must be minted.
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Speaking of turkey,
we have got loads of food in -
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why don't we ask her
for Christmas dinner?
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Mum, please stop.
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She's just a girl from school.
She...barely notices me anyway.
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Right, that is
Christmas morning TV sorted.
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9am, Morecambe And Wise
Christmas Special 1971.
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00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:45,919
Then we've got Morecambe And
Wise Christmas Special 1972.
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Then it's everyone's favourite...
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As I keep saying, I'm volunteering
at the homeless shelter,
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like I do every year.
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Why don't you come?
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I would, but I find
charity work boring.
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But we're very low
on helpers this year.
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Apart from Imogen.
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Oh, no.
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Perfect Imogen.
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Quite the little festive helper
is Imogen.
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00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,439
Nothing's too much
of an ask for Imogen.
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Is she single?
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No. She's very happily married
and don't we all know it?!
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She's just a very nice woman
who Mum irrationally dislikes.
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I don't dislike her.
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PHONE CHIMES
Barely even think about her.
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The Christmas presents have
gone to our house by mistake.
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Leave it with me.
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Your old dad'll save the day.
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I'll drive over there right now
and pick those up for you.
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CRASHING AND SHATTERING
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# Hey, Mister Christmas
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# We hope you're havin' fun
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# Hey, Mister... #
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One soup.
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Super!
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There you go.
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, I'll see you later.
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Nice to see you. All right?
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Oh, sorry, don't mind me.
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Hi, Melanie!
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It's Mel. Just Mel.
It's always been just Mel.
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Oh, God, so sorry. What am I like?
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SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS
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Er, love your Christmas jumper.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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Oh, just that I love your jumper.
It's really nice.
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Is it really?
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IMITATES WELSH ACCENT: Is it
really nice? Heh-heh-heh-heh!
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Cookie?
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All right.
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SHE SIGHS
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That's so good.
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Secret recipe.
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I could tell you,
but I'd have to kill you.
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Oh, your threats
don't scare me, Imogen.
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Right. Heh.
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Well, I'll see you later.
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Can you believe her?
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Imogen's great, ain't she?
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HE CHUCKLES
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So generous.
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Well, I'm generous.
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Oh, I am very generous.
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There you go.
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00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,079
Do you like coffee?
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There's a loyalty card there.
Fill your boots.
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Oh, and here we go.
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40 quid.
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00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,920
HE CHUCKLES
Fandabidozi!
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00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,120
It's just Christmas.
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Soup?
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Super!
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Could I have 40 quid?
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00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,759
No. Move along, please, love.
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Soup?
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Super!
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00:07:16,961 --> 00:07:19,839
I remember Leo Sayer telling me
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that you can clean a painted wall
with a slice of bread.
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Oh, wow.
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Oh by the way, someone
stole all your presents
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from the back of my car.
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You what? Mm.
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Are you kidding me?
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No.
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How did that...?
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Why didn't you lock the car?!
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00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,999
Well, maybe I've got a little bit
more faith in my fellow man
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than you have, Mel.
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Oh, well, that's lovely,
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00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,079
but your fellow man's just
nicked my Christmas presents!
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I can't believe this!
188
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,599
What, er, were these?
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Oh, me cookies!
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00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,839
I made these for the soup kitchen.
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00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,679
They were meant to make
Imogen's ones look rubbish.
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Ho-ho! Hers are going
to look brilliant now.
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00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,319
You're not having
much luck today, are you?
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First, that business with
the presents and now the cookies.
195
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,919
Oh, she's going to love this,
the nasty cow.
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00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,479
She's a perfectly nice person, Mum.
197
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,799
Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's dead nice.
198
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,479
You know she called me
a bitch earlier? Hmm?
199
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,359
With her eyes.
200
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,359
I bet she hasn't had
her Christmas presents nicked!
201
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,559
Don't worry about Imogen.
202
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,999
Don't worry about the presents.
I will replace all the presents.
203
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,519
Oh, yeah? How?!
You've been suspended without pay!
204
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:19,999
I'll get a job, Mel.
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00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,399
I'm not going to let you down
on our first Christmas together.
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00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,759
I've got nine decades
of work experience,
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00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,119
I've got an unrivalled skill set.
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00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,160
I can walk into any job in the land.
209
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,959
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
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00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,759
Elves!
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00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,039
Oh...
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00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,519
Will you two cheer up?
213
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,159
You're working with
Father Christmas.
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00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,000
It doesn't get
any better for an elf.
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00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,559
Focus.
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00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,039
Send in the children!
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00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,360
Ho-ho-ho!
218
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,839
Now, of course, Christmas
in the 1970s was the best.
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00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,279
Morecambe And Wise
on the television,
220
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,599
a take-out of Watneys Party Seven.
221
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,639
Ho-ho, you're too young
to remember that.
222
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,719
Mum, Santa keeps
talking about the past.
223
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,879
Can we go?
224
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,719
Don't go without your present.
225
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:06,799
There you go.
226
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,199
Merry Christmas, young Jenny.
227
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,599
It's Ava.
228
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,839
Whatever.
229
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,319
Next!
230
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:17,320
# It was only a winter's tale
231
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,279
# Just another winter's tale
232
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,039
# On a worldwide scale
233
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,360
# We're just
another winter's tale... #
234
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:42,959
I didn't think being an elf
would involve apologising
235
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,319
for Father Christmas so much.
236
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,639
Thank you. Have a nice day.
237
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,759
Two lattes, please.
238
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,039
Oh, I'm so sorry,
we don't serve elves.
239
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,559
Oh, my God, Seren, it's...
It's me, Theo.
240
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,239
Yeah, I know.
241
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,959
Right.
242
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,199
So, what are you doing here?
243
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,639
Dying with embarrassment. Could they
have put me in anything more cringe?
244
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,279
This, maybe?
245
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,999
Oh, well, at least
you don't have pigtails.
246
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,719
I'd take them over these shoes.
247
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,239
Talk about toe-curling.
248
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,519
Shouldn't you be walking around
with a child with those dad jokes?
249
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,400
Yeah. And, look,
how do you like my bell-end?
250
00:10:12,671 --> 00:10:14,759
The bell...
251
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,759
Sorry, the bell on-on the end of
my...on the end of my shoes.
252
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,399
I wasn't... I... I didn't mean...
253
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,450
Oh, God.
254
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,079
If you're quite finished, Casanova,
255
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,040
I'd like my coffee still warm.
256
00:10:26,261 --> 00:10:29,679
Er, did you like my Christmas card?
257
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,919
Yes! Christmas...
258
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,599
..card, er...
259
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,999
I did.
260
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,039
Cards are great, aren't they?
261
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,999
You're making things worse.
262
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,400
Let's go, Romeo.
263
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,480
Hi. Hi, what can I get you?
Cappuccino, please.
264
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,879
And I would like a new bike, please.
265
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,879
Oh, what about your lovely mum?
266
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,599
What would she like for Christmas?
267
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,319
Mum likes wine, Santa.
268
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,999
Isobel!
ADULTS CHUCKLE
269
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,519
Father Christmas is rather partial
to the odd glass of wine himself.
270
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,999
Do you live
in the North Pole, Santa?
271
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,039
Oh, for a couple
of days a year, yes.
272
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,119
The rest of the time,
I live very locally.
273
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,839
But you know what they say -
274
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,679
when the elves are away,
the mouse will play.
275
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,639
Does Mrs Claus live with you?
276
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,759
No, she's dead.
277
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,959
Yes, devoured by a giant polar bear.
278
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,239
Horrific.
279
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,839
I live on my own now.
280
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,799
Her dying wish was for me
to find true happiness again.
281
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,239
I told you
to stay out of my business!
282
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,879
Ho-ho-ho! That's no way
to speak to Father Christmas!
283
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,759
Leave Santa alone!
284
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:33,999
Kid's got a point.
285
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,279
Aww. I'm sorry, love.
286
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,599
I just need a private word
with Father Christmas.
287
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,039
Don't forget your present.
288
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,090
Ooh!
289
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,879
Aww.
290
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,039
Did you - and I can't believe
I'm asking you this -
291
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,919
did you put guinea pig
droppings in Imogen's cookies?
292
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,839
Whoa, does Father Christmas
have access to a guinea pig?
293
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,879
Will you stop doing
that stupid voice?
294
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,279
All right. What are you playing at?
295
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,639
I was just trying
to take the shine off
296
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,959
Imogen's Christmas cookies
for you, wasn't I?
297
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,119
Cause a bit of a stir?
298
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,599
Well, you did cause a bit of a stir,
299
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,079
because Environmental Health
have shut the soup kitchen down!
300
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,159
Bloody penpushers.
301
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,239
Thanks to you,
there's a dozen homeless people
302
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,399
with nowhere to go on Christmas Day!
303
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,999
At least they're used to it.
304
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,639
I was trying to do you a favour,
Mel.
305
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,640
Well, do me this favour - don't
do me any more favours, right?
306
00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:20,039
Do you want a pair
of football shorts?
307
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,090
No, I don't.
308
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,330
Next!
309
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,199
Oh... Hi, Seren.
310
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,839
What are you doing here?
311
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,439
I didn't forget to pay, did I?
312
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,839
No, I'm just on break.
313
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,599
I wondered what
you were doing for lunch.
314
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,279
Santa doesn't let us have lunch.
315
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,719
He says we already get
50 weeks a year off, so...
316
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,919
Shame. I was going to get a coffee.
317
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,079
I do really like coffee.
318
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,839
It's a really nice hot drink,
you know?
319
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,239
Trouble is, I don't like
the coffee at work.
320
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,319
I prefer the Costa near mine.
321
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,999
I might go there tomorrow
around six.
322
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,639
Six.
323
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,279
Well, that's a bit late
in the day for caffeine, isn't it?
324
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,199
You know what,
maybe you could go decaf.
325
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,680
For God's sake,
she's asking you out!
326
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,599
Is she?
327
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:09,799
She is.
328
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,239
Oh!
329
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,290
Er...
330
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,759
Yes. Great.
331
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,599
Yes. So, so, so, that's a...
that's a date.
332
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,650
It's a date.
333
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,680
Yeah!
334
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,399
LAUGHTER ON TV
Ah...
335
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,999
No, no, no, that stupid elf
make-up you made me wear!
336
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,679
This can't be happening to me!
337
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,079
Oh-ho-ho, bloody hell,
look at your face!
338
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,919
Yes, thank you, Grandad.
Fully aware of that.
339
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,239
But what am I going to do?
I've got my date with Seren at six.
340
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,719
Theo, calm down.
341
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,519
I've got just the thing for you
in the garage.
342
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,159
One word...
343
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,359
Possibly two words - sunbed.
344
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,199
Aren't sunbeds, like,
really dangerous?
345
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,599
Everything's dangerous.
346
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,239
You can kill a man with a brick.
347
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,119
You still build houses out of 'em.
348
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,159
Mm... I don't know.
349
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:04,399
Burt Reynolds, Oliver Reed, me -
what have we all got in common?
350
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,159
Drinking problems?
351
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,599
No. Golden tans
and flawless complexions.
352
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,639
Honestly, 20 minutes on there,
353
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,799
you'll be looking like
Engelbert Humperdinck in no time.
354
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,479
Come on.
355
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,530
Who?
356
00:14:19,271 --> 00:14:25,799
I'm sure there's a very good reason
why Grandad left you on the sunbed
357
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,159
for an hour and a half.
358
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,879
Morecambe And Wise -
Tom Jones special.
359
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,479
How bad is it?
360
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,119
Am I going to look stupid
on my date?
361
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,519
No...
362
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,040
Does this place
you're going to have lighting?
363
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,920
Why is there water on the floor?
364
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,679
Oh, no...
365
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,719
No, no, no, no, no, no...
366
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,999
SHE GASPS AND RETCHES
367
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,050
Oh...
368
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,200
The Christmas food!
369
00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:57,639
Please tell me you didn't unplug
the freezer to plug that thing in.
370
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,839
Well, of course not.
371
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,959
I unplugged it two days ago
to charge the car batteries up,
372
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,599
but I definitely plugged it back in,
373
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,039
I'm sure I did.
374
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,759
I-I think I did, yeah.
375
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,359
I'm sure... I'm sure
I plugged it back...
376
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,719
I definitely plugged it back in,
yeah.
377
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,119
I can't do this any more.
378
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,359
Because of you, I've lost my home,
379
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,719
I've been demoted,
I've got no Christmas presents,
380
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,079
no food and a son who glows
in the friggin' dark!
381
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,400
You look great, love.
382
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,199
I wish you'd never come back.
383
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,519
Now, I know you don't mean that.
384
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,279
Come on, Theo, pack a bag.
We're going home.
385
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,280
But, Mum, our house hasn't got
any electricity or any gas.
386
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,560
And it's got no him either,
so it sounds perfect.
387
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,400
Oh, that stinks.
388
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,640
Ho-ho-ho! Who's next?
389
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,399
Gary? What the hell's going on?
390
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,879
You didn't turn up for work on
the busiest day of the year, Tony.
391
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,559
I'm only three hours late.
392
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,920
You're sacked.
393
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,599
Sacking a man on Christmas Eve?
394
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,999
And not just any man -
Father Christmas?
395
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,879
Well, you're worse than Scrooge.
396
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,359
Come on, Roger, we're going.
397
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,159
Pub and midnight mass,
like the good old days.
398
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,319
No, Mammoth. Not going anywhere.
399
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,520
Gary here knows how to treat an elf.
400
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,200
Mmm. Go home to your family.
401
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,440
You're leaving me as well.
402
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,320
Looks like
nobody wants to be with me.
403
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,679
Kids! That's not
the real Father Christmas.
404
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,199
His name's Gary, and he's a wanker!
405
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,600
CHILDREN GASP
406
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,639
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
407
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,759
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
408
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:50,600
# Try to imagine
a house that's not a home
409
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:58,439
# Try to imagine
a Christmas all alone
410
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,319
# That's where I'll be
since you left me
411
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,559
# My tears could melt the snow
412
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,719
# It'll be lonely this Christmas
413
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,439
# Without you to hold... #
414
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,720
Who needs family anyway?
415
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,079
I got this far on my own.
416
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,119
# Lonely and cold
417
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,800
# It'll be cold... #
418
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,039
Where am I?
419
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,080
You're in a dream.
420
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,639
Barry, old mate.
421
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,999
But you're dead.
422
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm here to show you
the ghosts of Christmas future.
423
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,959
Why are we dressed in silver?
424
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
I don't know. It's your dream.
425
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,559
I'm here to tell you
something very important.
426
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,679
I can't overstate how important
it is for you to hear this.
427
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,040
HE SNORES
428
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,319
Oi! Mammoth!
429
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,399
Ugh!
430
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,519
How can you fall asleep
in your own dream, huh?
431
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,399
Sorry, Barry. Go on.
432
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,759
I'm here to stop you
making a big mistake.
433
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,360
You need to make things right
with Mel and Theo!
434
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,920
They don't need me.
435
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,530
Mel was right.
436
00:18:16,531 --> 00:18:19,359
I should never have come back.
437
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:24,320
Let me show you what Mel and Theo's
life would be like without you.
438
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,560
Well, come on!
You're supposed to follow me!
439
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,839
I need to ask you a question, Barry.
Oh...
440
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,040
I need to ask you THE question.
441
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,480
Heaven, Barry...
442
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,479
..is it everything we ever
hoped and dreamed it would be?
443
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,199
What's it like, Barry?
444
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,800
Tell me.
445
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,520
It's all right.
446
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,159
Why are we in my house, Barry?
447
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,199
Just watch, Mammoth!
448
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,520
And please, no more questions.
449
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,359
Oh, great game of padel, Mum.
450
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,639
Yeah, padel's the best sport!
451
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,719
And it is a sport.
452
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:13,919
No, it's not!
PHONE CHIMES
453
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,519
They can't hear you!
454
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,679
Oh, great!
455
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,439
The car dealer said
we can get a good deal
456
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,719
on selling Mammoth's Capri.
457
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,199
Oh, great, we can use the money
to buy me an electric car. Yeah!
458
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,250
Oh, God, I feel sick!
459
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,439
ROGER: Hey, guys!
Hey! Hey!
460
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,039
Why is Roger in my house, Barry?
461
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,599
Will you shut up?!
462
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,399
I've been giving all of Mammoth's
old clothes away to charity.
463
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,639
Oh, thanks, Roger!
464
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,239
You know we love you living
here instead of Mammoth.
465
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,799
And...can I call you
Uncle Roger from now on? Oh!
466
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,719
Aww, will you be
my grand-uncle, Roger?
467
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,559
Of course!
468
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,079
And I think we all know
I'll do a better job than Mammoth!
469
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,679
LAUGHTER
470
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:58,319
Noooooooo!
471
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,560
HE GASPS
472
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,719
Five o'clock in the morning.
473
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,399
There's still time
to save Christmas.
474
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,559
Thank you, Barry.
475
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,320
Shut up and go get 'em, champ!
476
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:15,039
# Time for parties and celebrations
477
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:19,679
# People dancing all night long
478
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:24,439
# Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
479
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,999
# Time for singing
Christmas songs... #
480
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,039
Roger, now, I need your help.
481
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,599
Can you drive a minibus?
482
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,919
I haven't driven a minibus
in more than 30 years!
483
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,599
Well, I need you
to drive one right now.
484
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,919
OK, but I must be back
in time for Christmas lunch.
485
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,439
We're having turkey,
pigs in blankets, stuffing...
486
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,479
..figgy pudding!
487
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,919
Oh, sounds perfect.
488
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,400
Anyway, look, this is
what I need you to do.
489
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,639
Hey! Why can't you do this?
490
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,399
Roger, I can't do everything.
491
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,119
I've got Christmas to save.
492
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,120
Please!
493
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,480
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh... #
494
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,759
Oh, it's you.
495
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,279
Can you forgive an old fool?
496
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,000
No.
497
00:21:16,591 --> 00:21:21,879
I'll be honest, I thought
you were going to say yes then.
498
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,959
Listen, Mel, I know you're angry.
499
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,919
Let me make it up to you.
500
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,759
I don't want you to make it up.
501
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,879
I don't want you anywhere near us.
502
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,079
Who is it?
503
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,639
Oh, hi, Grandad.
504
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,559
Oh, your face has
gone right down, Theo.
505
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,719
Told you it would, didn't I?
506
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,359
Mum made me sleep
with nappy cream on.
507
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,410
Ugh.
508
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,519
Listen, I'm sorry, OK?
509
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,239
Just... I've come to invite you both
over to my place
510
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,359
for Christmas dinner.
511
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,719
Oh, yeah? To eat
all the food that you ruined?
512
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,199
Yeah, great plan!
513
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,079
Why don't we add food poisoning
and the shits to the list of things
514
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,719
that you're going
to get us this Christmas?
515
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,079
I have sourced other food, OK?
516
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,759
And I don't want any help -
I've already cooked it.
517
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,679
Yes - me, a man.
518
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,039
We're having a perfectly nice
Christmas here, thank you,
519
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,399
just the two of us.
520
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,719
Although...
521
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,079
..there's no heating and
we are eating petrol station food.
522
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,400
Not that I'm not loving
my Monster Munch...
523
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:21,159
I know I don't deserve another
chance. OK, Mel? And I'm sorry.
524
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,720
Please, I don't want to be alone.
525
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,170
Not at Christmas.
526
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,519
All right, fine.
527
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,959
But only cos
it's friggin' freezin' in here.
528
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,010
Thank y...
529
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,679
Yeah.
530
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,160
I'll just wait in the car.
531
00:22:45,591 --> 00:22:47,679
DOOR CLOSES
532
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,919
SHE GASPS
533
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,719
Well?
534
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,919
Mammoth, it's beautiful. Heh-heh.
535
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,679
It's like a Christmas advert,
and a good one, like M&S.
536
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:57,919
Did you do all of this on your own?
537
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:58,959
Yeah, yeah.
538
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,159
Well, you know,
I had some help, you know.
539
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,639
Hot stuff coming through!
540
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,839
Do you know what, Mammoth?
541
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,890
I don't know and I don't
want to know, but...
542
00:23:05,891 --> 00:23:08,599
..just thanks for this.
DOORBELL RINGS
543
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,359
Smells like the rest
of the guests arriving.
544
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:11,399
Sorry?
545
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,479
I know you felt really bad
that your competitive streak
546
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,959
got the tramp cafe shut down...
547
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,759
Homeless shelter.
DOORBELL RINGS
548
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,079
..so I've arranged
a little present for you.
549
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,559
Stay there.
550
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,639
CHEERING
551
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,319
Merry Christmas,
my homeless friends!
552
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,839
Come in, come in, come in.
Merry Christmas!
553
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:29,479
Help yourself
to wine, beer, champagne.
554
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,559
If you're an alky,
there's buck's fizz.
555
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:32,999
Or make yourself a shandy.
556
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,759
Aww, God bless us, everyone.
557
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,479
Well done, Roger.
558
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,039
You made up, in some small way,
559
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,750
for all those mean things
you said about me in my dream.
560
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,159
Any chance I could stay too?
561
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:45,359
Of course.
562
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:46,759
You won't believe this,
563
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,559
but somebody's stolen all
our food for the Christmas lunch.
564
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,279
MAMMOTH GASPS
On Christmas Day?
565
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,039
That's unbelievable.
566
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,679
Well, guess what I've got?
567
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,879
Figgy pudding.
ROGER GASPS
568
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,280
Figgy pudding?!
569
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,200
DOORBELL RINGS
570
00:24:00,511 --> 00:24:02,599
Seren?
571
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,919
What are you doing here?
572
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,559
Mr Mammoth said you'd be here...
573
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,159
..through my letterbox...
574
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,440
..at six this morning.
575
00:24:10,811 --> 00:24:15,159
Grandad, people don't really
do that any more. It...
576
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,400
It's old-fashioned and...
577
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,640
Merry Christmas, Theo.
578
00:24:19,641 --> 00:24:23,199
Well, don't just leave her
standing there on the doorstep.
579
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,559
She's not the bottle of milk.
580
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,610
Come in.
581
00:24:25,611 --> 00:24:28,999
I've told him. I've told him
you're called homeless.
582
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,599
You're not allowed
to say tramps any more.
583
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,039
Do you... Do you like
being called tramps?
584
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,520
Is that...? You don't like that...
585
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,519
Ooh, hello, Seren. Hiya.
586
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,879
SHE GASPS
587
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,559
This is just perfect.
588
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,039
Well, almost perfect.
589
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,399
One last present for ya.
590
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,439
SHE SQUEALS
591
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,799
What if I told you the perfect
Imogen woke up this morning
592
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,050
to find some pretty offensive
graffiti all over her front wall?
593
00:24:49,051 --> 00:24:50,479
You what?
594
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,439
If people believe
one tenth of what's on there,
595
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,759
she'll be run out of town
within the week.
596
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,679
Oh, my God...
597
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:57,760
That is...
598
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,279
..the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
599
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,359
Thanks.
600
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,919
I know we don't always,
you know, see eye to eye,
601
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,080
but Christmas is about family and...
602
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,840
..about being together.
603
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,999
Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.
604
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,039
Where are you off to?
605
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,079
Too noisy in here.
606
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,799
I won't be able to enjoy
Morecambe And Wise,
607
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,359
so I'll go and watch it
at Skipper's house.
608
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,959
What about this lot?
609
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:24,999
Yeah, good point.
610
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,279
Er, excuse me, everyone.
611
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,959
Just wanted to say
thank you for coming.
612
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,279
Tramps, if you want
somewhere to say tonight,
613
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,279
Mel's got an empty house -
29 Mill Road.
614
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,919
Key's under the flowerpot.
615
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:34,959
Merry Christmas!
616
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,560
ALL: Merry Christmas!
617
00:25:36,561 --> 00:25:38,599
Er...
618
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,279
Ah, magic!
619
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,759
# Old folks sit by the fire
620
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,279
# Children play in the snow
621
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,679
# They've been waiting, anticipating
622
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,080
# See their faces glow
623
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,799
# Forget your troubles and worries
624
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,479
# And kick 'em out the door
625
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,879
# Don't look back, come on in
626
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,720
# We'll just play some
more, more, more, more... #
627
00:26:08,770 --> 00:26:13,320
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