Original subtitles

"In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth

"was engulfed by an avalanche.

"Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found

"and miraculously brought by back to life over 40 years later."

MINDER THEME TUNE PLAYS

Incredible.

Right, lunch.

Then another three hours of Minder.

# If you want to, I'll change the situation... #

HE CHUCKLES

I thought it raised some, um,

very interesting issues about, like, modern culture and that.

You were asleep the whole film.

It was three hours long, Theo.

I can't be expected to hold... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh! What's going on?!

It's out.

We isolated it to the kitchen.

- Oh... - Nice one, boys.

My lovely house! Did you do this?

I'm perfectly safe, thank you for asking.

Because if you did, Mammoth, I swear to God...

- Mum, I don't think it was Grandad! - What?! I mean, what, darling?

I lit a scented candle this morning.

And I just don't know if I put it out.

Oh, Theo... That's so careless.

You could've killed us all.

Mystery solved, boys! The kid did it.

Just hope to God he's learned his lesson!

I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions.

I got thick skin, Mel.

In a way, I blame myself, you know? You grew up without a dad,

never learnt how to become a proper parent.

I'm a very good parent, thank you.

But I'm back now, and that's the most important thing.

Me and you, we can turn this around.

Oh, my baby...

- Can I have a go on the big hose, boys? - Yeah.

Oh, er, excuse me.

It's heavy, isn't it?

You can stay here as long as you like.

My house is your house.

Yay!

I've always wanted my house to be like a 1970s shag-pad.

Well, what do you think?

Yeah, do I have to sleep on a water bed?

It's just very bouncy.

It is very bouncy, Theo, it does half the work for you,

if you know what I mean.

You see the calendar?

Yeah, it made me a bit uncomfortable, Grandad.

What?! Why? It's just art.

All right, July's a little bit spicy.

Just get rid of it, Theo.

Right, best get going.

You look bloody gorgeous, Mel.

- Aw, thank you. - Where you going, Tupperware party?

No.

- Just... Just out with a friend. - Oh, a friend, eh?

A couple of pretty girls on the town, footloose and fancy free.

Right. Have fun, boys!

Don't look at or touch anything at Grandad's house.

- I can hear you. - Yeah.

Oi...

No.

Mm, fair enough.

Hmm...

Well, they're both brilliant.

- Matthew! - Wow, you look really good, Mel, really great outfit.

It's a weird way of saying it, but thank you.

- I love your...shirt. - Oh, thanks, it's from Fat Face.

- Ooh! - So where are we going?

I was thinking maybe some tapas...

Tapas! Wow!

Oh, that sounds excellent, Mel, really excellent.

- These are for you. - Oh...

Shall we go, then? Um, time for tapas.

- Oh... - Oh...

You look with your eyes, sunshine!

What are you doing? Get off him!

What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?

We're going on a date.

Make an effort, please.

- I don't like him, Mel. - I couldn't care less.

Hi. Matthew, nice to meet you.

Fine.

Matthew, Tony Mammoth.

I might've been a bit out of order there.

You did have your wandering hands all over my daughter.

I'm so sorry.

Come inside for a drink before you go?

Ah, that's such a nice offer.

I'm driving, Tony, have you got any alcohol-free beer?

No.

Do you want some milk?

I love the house, Tony. So retro.

Matthew's actually a bit of a '70s head.

- Oh, really? - That was the best decade, wasn't it?

The music, the films. Not the tacky, fancy dress stuff - you know,

the curly wigs and all that - but the proper '70s, you know,

- Gerry Rafferty, Dirty Harry... - Now you're talking!

Theo, go and get Matthew another milk.

I'll come with you just in case.

I'm not going to burn down every kitchen I go into.

SIREN ON TV

Oh, The Professionals.

Is this the one where Keith Barron plays a terrorist?

- Who's a biochemist. - Whose name is... - Name is...

BOTH: Nesbitt.

Theo, what did I say to you?

Didn't I say this is the one where Keith Barron is a terrorist

who's also a biochemist, whose name is Nesbitt?

You did, and I still don't know who Keith Barron is.

As much as I'd like to stand here

and talk about Keith Barron again, shall we make a move?

No, no, no, me and Matthew are just getting started.

Yes, well, me and Matthew are going for tapas, so bye.

- It's been so nice to meet you, Tony. - Listen, have a great night.

Make sure you come back here later for a proper drink.

Right, we're going.

- I'll see you soon, Matt! - See you, Tony.

No, take those with you.

- Right. - Yeah, take them with you. - OK.

- Cheers. - Thanks.

Agh!

Stop rolling around like a Spaniard and kick him back!

- Mr Mammoth! - Skipper, if it's about the loser bib again,

I am not getting rid of it. It's a tremendous motivator for the boys.

I'm open.

No, I just heard from Miss Mansford. There's been a family emergency

and she's not going to be in for a few days.

I need you to cover for her.

As head of PE?

Well, it's more just covering her lessons and...

As Head of PE. So like an audition.

Prove I can do the job and then it's all mine.

No, definitely not.

Gotcha. Makes a lot more sense,

having Mr Mammoth as head of department.

I mean, at the moment you've got a lion taking orders from a gazelle.

A capable gazelle, possibly, but a gazelle nonetheless.

And a lion would not take orders from a gazelle.

You couldn't expect it to.

A big tiger, maybe, possibly a bear...

..but I don't really know what a bear would be doing in the middle

of the African savannah, unless someone had opened a zoo...

OK, OK, but it really is just for the week.

- Nobody's expecting you to... - To dot the Is, cross the Ts.

Yes, well I think I'd better go home

and change into something a little more befitting a head of department.

Thank you, Skipper.

WHISTLE BLOWS

New referee, lads! Tag the loser till I get back.

Get him, boys! Get him!

Sorry. My fault, Theo, after you.

Oh, look who it is!

Why is everyone being so weird?

Everyone's afraid of you now.

They think you're dangerous.

They think you burnt down your own house.

It's been going round the whole school.

I don't want everyone thinking I'm crazy.

You're Theo, yeah? I'm Amber.

Er, yeah, I know.

I... I...

..watched you in maths.

Not "watched you" watched you. I sit behind you.

If anything, I've actually been looking the other way, so...

Did you really set fire to your own house,

because you felt that no-one understood you?

What? Well, of course I...

I...

I did, yeah, I did.

I...

Oh...

I just want to watch the world burn.

Mm?

You're the man, Theo!

Now, I think the only place to start

is with the recent safeguarding issues.

First things first please, Mr Cowley.

As you all know, I am Tony Mammoth, Head of PE.

Well, no, that's not, er...

And as Head of PE, things are going to change, starting with funding.

PE has been woefully underfunded for years, but no longer.

Under my watch, I'll personally be overseeing

construction of a PE relaxation area...

..a PE solarium and a PE rollerball arena...

How are we going to fund all of this?

I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of measures which are,

sadly, absolutely necessary.

Chemistry, biology and physics, hands up, please.

That is one subject - science - not three.

There'll be lay-offs and job shares.

German and French, hands up, please.

Interesting. You understood English, as do we all,

you'll be reassigned to the PE department or offered redundancy.

Well, thank you, Mr Mammoth.

Plenty to think about there.

Now, getting back to the safeguarding issues...

TONY YAWNS

Would anybody like to...

Obviously, we all feel that with the current safeguarding issues...

Do I have to listen to this?

Yes.

Fair enough. Carry on.

..we could take further action to...

Oh, I've just remembered, I've got to go and give blood.

Yeah.

Just want to make some notes for me, I'll read those later,

look forward to that.

Bye, everyone.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

My parents are away this weekend, if you want to hang out.

Unless you've got plans.

I... I never make plans.

You know, what's the point? It all just goes to shit.

This weekend... Yeah. Yeah, cool.

I'll DM you.

Well, well, well...

There's some Mammoth genes in you after all. Good lad.

Grandad, is it OK to pretend to be someone you're not

just to keep a girl interested?

Of course it is.

Well, it's just that Amber only likes me

because she thinks I'm a bad boy. The whole school does.

Should I own up?

Theo...

..don't be such a fanny.

You've got a reputation now, and that's good.

That's why I spread those rumours in the first place.

Women love a bad boy.

See you later.

Wow!

Hey, Matthew!

Oh, wow, Mel! Another brilliant outfit!

Yeah, thanks.

Didn't expect to see you here.

I invited him over.

Oh, great, without telling me first?

We're having a Gene Hackman night.

We just watched The French Connection.

Took me back to Marseille. The times I had there...

- Oh... - What times have you had in Marseille? Booze cruise with Roger?

No, on a rugby trip to Spain.

Marseille's not in Spain.

Driver was pissed.

Different times.

Another spellbinding anecdote.

You're not going to keep talking, are you?

I'm sorry.

Would you rather I left so you and Matthew

can watch your film in peace?

If you wouldn't mind, thanks.

Well, I'm going for a shower, but I'm going because I want to,

not cos you told me.

- Have a great shower, Mel! - Thanks...

She's solid gold, that girl.

You make sure you treat her right.

- Oh, absolutely, Tony. - Don't get me wrong,

you're a bloke - and a good looking bloke with a fabulous moustache.

Probably fighting the girls off with a shitty stick,

used to playing the field. But not any more, not with my daughter.

No, I've never been into playing the field, I respect women too much.

- It's OK, she can't hear you. - I know some blokes jump from bed to bed,

but honestly, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

Bloody hell, you're good.

I would not want to play you in poker. Oh...

- Any plans for tomorrow? - I was just going to see Mel for lunch.

Sack it off, I got two free lessons.

I'm supposed to be covering geography,

but I don't even like geography.

Me and you, Man's Day, couple of pints, game of snooker?

- I'm dreadful at snooker, Tony. - Well, darts, then.

I'm not much better at the old arrows either, to be honest.

Well, what else is there for a couple of stallions to do?

# Ever and ever, forever and ever

# You'll be the one

# That shines on me

# Like the morning sun

# Take me far beyond imagination

# You're my dream come true

# My consolation

# Ever and ever, forever and ever

# You'll be the one

# That shines in me

# Like the morning sun

# Ever and ever, forever and ever

# My destiny

# Will follow you eternally... #

And then me and Matthew just hung out,

you know, talked about stuff.

Is that why he cancelled our lunch yesterday?

To be fair to him, I told him you'd cancelled it.

Why would you even do that?

As I was saying, I think one of the care home staff might be

stealing from me, but I can't put my...

Matthew is brilliant. And no offence, Rog,

it's so nice to have a friend who can

actually do stuff because they're not old.

Yes, why bother seeing me at all?

I don't know, really.

Sense of loyalty, I suppose. Duty even.

Another great thing about Matthew, he loves the '70s,

he's going to make a fantastic son-in-law.

- See you later. - Er, Theo?! Make up?

Oh, I love it!

Now, you can be whoever you want to be and I will always be proud.

I'm an ally.

Yeah, Mum, it's not what you think.

It's for a girl he fancies in school.

What?

Worked for Marc Bolan.

Oh, now, when you see Matthew later, send him my love.

Actually, tell him I said hi.

Tell him... Tell him, "Mammoth says hello."

Actually, I'm thinking of breaking up with him.

What?! Are you out of your mind?

You'll never do better than Matthew, Mel, he's the total package.

I'm just not feeling it.

You can't finish with Matthew, he's my best friend!

Thank you very much.

Mel...

..Matthew's in love with you.

He's not in love with me, we've only been on a few dates.

He said he's got it real bad.

He said, and he'll kill me for this...

He said he can't imagine his world without you in it.

Really? Oh, I've not been getting that vibe at all.

He's putting up a wall, Mel.

He's done it ever since his...

..wife died.

- His wife? - Dead.

Oh, that's so sad.

I mean, why didn't he tell me?

I didn't even know he'd been married.

He didn't want to upset you, go through all that hurt again.

Why don't you get him over tonight for a meal?

- Oh, no. - For God's sake, Mel, have a heart.

All right, I suppose so.

Thank you.

Don't mention the dead wife.

Well, now you're finally ready, can you drive me

to this hospital appointment?

Oh, I can't now, Rog.

Tell you what, let me pay for your taxi.

Actually, thinking about it, you get a free bus pass nowadays, don't you?

You lucky sod.

I'll see you later.

Marvellous...

Mel wants me to come over for dinner, but I don't know.

To be honest, I'm thinking about calling things off.

I mean, talking to you about the places you've been,

it's inspired me. I want to see the world.

The world's rubbish.

I just told you about the good bits.

Everything you need is right here.

What about Mel?

I think she just sees me as a friend.

You couldn't be more wrong.

She'll kill me for this.

She told me...she loves you.

- She loves me? - Mm.

Well, that's even more reason to call it off.

It's not right to be with a woman

if you're not emotionally on the same wavelength.

Can you please be serious for one second?

Just give dinner tonight a chance, will you? For Mel.

For little Theo.

You know he sees you as a father figure.

- Really? - Yeah.

He'll kill me for this.

He told me you're his rock.

- I don't think we've even spoken. - It's an unspoken bond.

He said if you went away he doesn't know what he'd do, he said he...

- He'd probably burn down another house... - Oh...

But if you're happy with that on your conscience, then...

Oh, I really don't want that. I'll give dinner a go.

- Shall I get this? - No, no, you put your money away.

You're a good man.

Thanks, Mammoth.

Nice bag.

Be a shame if someone, God, I don't know, set fire to it.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You all right? - Miss Weaver's being, like, such a bitch.

She totally had a go at me just because I told her I think

her English lessons are pointless and I don't respect her as a person.

Cool.

I mean, some English skills are useful for everyday life.

I mean, cool...

I just want to totally teach her a lesson.

Oh, yeah, me too.

I am raging on your behalf.

Great.

I knew I could count on you to do it.

Always.

Sorry, to do what?

Set fire to her car.

We'll do it after school.

That'll show her.

You're awesome, Theo.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Grandad, I can't set fire to a car.

You don't have to set fire to anything,

just make her think that you are.

But as you're about to, Head of PE Tony Mammoth turns up

and puts a stop to it.

You still look like a bad boy, you still get the girl and...

..you lose your virginity this weekend.

Pfft.

Well, who says I'm a virgin?

3:30, staff car park?

Yeah. Thanks, Grandad.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

This better be good, Skipper.

As you can see, I'm up to my eyeballs in Head of PE work.

Well, as you're covering Miss Mansford, I just wondered

if you'd filled in that teacher performance form yet?

Peter, please.

I'm trying to focus all my energies on being the best

Head of PE I can be. You simply cannot keep piling work on me.

As I said, it's more of a temporary arrangement.

And don't forget, you're on the rota to supervise detention today.

I've already done it.

Took them out of lessons this afternoon.

Detention isn't really a punishment if it's during school time.

Yeah, but detention after school is punishing me, isn't it?

And I haven't done anything wrong.

Now, if there's nothing else, I really have got a lot on.

Great.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

I can't believe you're actually doing this for me.

It's so cool.

Yeah. Well, you know, staring fires, breaking rules,

that is just what I do, baby.

I find it's the only way I can really... Really feel, you know?

Er...

What...what...what time is it?

And here's another for when you get home, Tony.

And jam roly-poly and custard.

- Oh, who loves you, baby? - Hey?

Kojak.

Don't tell me you've never seen Kojak, Irene.

No. Kojak? What's it about?

Telly Savalas,

playing a hard-hitting detective on the streets of 1970s Manhattan.

Oh. 1970s Manhattan, fancy!

Jelly, Tony?

Yeah, go on.

OK, quick, before someone comes.

Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.

Oh... Oh, you know what might be an even colder way of getting

Miss Weaver back? Like an e-petition.

I actually think it might shit her right up, you know?

Come on, what are you waiting for?

So Kojak's got the hostages out, right, but Harvey Keitel has

still got him, then one of his goons says, "Killing you's gonna

"give me great satisfaction." Then guess what happens.

- He shoots their faces off! - Jesus Christ. No, Irene, no.

Kojak's cool, he just picks up Calvelli's body

and walks out of there.

It takes more than a gun to scare Kojak.

Oh...

Oh, bollocks.

Are you going to do it or not?

I can't do it.

I'm not that guy.

The fire at the house, it wasn't deliberate.

I forgot to put out a candle. A scented candle.

This isn't me.

But you know what?

This is.

So what do you say?

Do you want to take a chance on the real me?

No.

Fair enough.

Where the hell were you? I look like an idiot, Amber's gone...

You were meant to stop me.

Yes, I know it looks like I let you down and, er...

Ooh...

I will kill myself for saying this...

I was over there the whole time, watching you.

I wanted you to learn a lesson about, you know,

being true to yourself.

Rubbish, you were in the canteen.

That's a hell of a thing to say to your own grandad, Theo.

A hell of a thing!

- Jam roly-poly and custard? - No!

- Er, actually yes. - Mr Mammoth,

great, glad I caught you before you went home.

Here's the paperwork you need to do

- for tomorrow's governors meeting... - No, no, no, Skipper.

I'm sorry to do this, I know it's going to break your heart...

..but I have to turn down the position of Head of PE.

I cannot emphasise enough, it was never on the table.

Yeah, well, I'm taking it off the table.

It's too much.

The pressure, the hours, the endless paperwork...

..almost cost me the most important thing in my life -

my best mate, Matthew.

I won't be needing this any more.

Let's go, Theo.

Great.

That is perfectly cooked.

Right, I'll give you 50 quid, call Matthew Dad.

What?! I'm not calling him Dad, I've got a dad.

Have you got to make everything about you?

Hey, hey.

Matthew!

You look great.

Oh, you smell amazing, what is that?

Nothing, I haven't put anything on.

Oh, hi, Theo, my favourite little guy.

Say hello to Matthew.

Hello.

He's a bit shy.

Me and Matthew have got something really important

we need to talk to you about.

Before that, though, first course, prawn cocktail.

Main course, roast beef.

And in the fridge for dessert, Angel Delight, both flavours,

blue and pink.

Mammoth, you might want to take a seat.

Come on.

Oh...

Now, Tony, this has nothing to do with you, you're a great guy,

but Mel and I have decided to break up.

What? Why?

Was it Theo?

We just see each other as friends.

Lots of couples start off as friends.

Just give it five or six years.

Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be.

It's over, Tony.

Fine, whatever.

We're all adults.

You make your own minds up, it's nothing to do with me.

I don't know what I was thinking of anyway.

What would a crackin' young bloke like you want to spend time

with a...

A crazy old dreamer like me for?

Goodnight.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, that's what I say.

That Matthew, absolute time waster.

Nothing like you, old mate.

Oh, so I set up a hidden camera at the care home to see

if someone was stealing from me, and guess what?

Modern men like Matthew, they're nothing like us,

two blokes who've been through so much together,

two blokes who'd take a bullet for each other, inseparable.

- I don't know what we'd do without each other. - No.

But I'd love to find out.

# It's a heartache

# Nothing but a heartache

# Hits you when it's too late

# Hits you when you're down

# It's a fool's game

# Nothing but a fool's game

# Standing in the cold rain

# Feeling like a clown... #

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