Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip,

PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed

by an avalanche. Perfectly preserved under the snow,

he was found and miraculously brought back to life

over 40 years later.

Is this some kind of joke? I'll tell you right now, you can

not make Tony Mammoth look stupid. I didn't know there were

yellow lines there. It wasn't a crematorium back in 1979.

If anything, I thought the Capri added a touch of colour and class

to what could have otherwise been a very, very sad day.

Yeah. Are you listening to a word I say?

For a parking enforcement, please press five.

DOORBELL

- Please press five. - I'm on the phone. - Please press five.

DOORBELL

I said I'm on the phone!

Hang on a second.

I'm sorry, I don't recognise that number.

I don't like your attitude, pal! Put me through to your manager.

Please press five.

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, for Christ's sake!

- Please press five. - I can't press five,

can I, you dick! The phone's in the house,

- and I'm outside. - Try speaking the number.

Five...

Five!

- Five, five, five, five, five, five! - I'm sorry, I don't recognise that number.

Thank you. You have selected two, recycling.

Now, I don't want to overly worry you,

but this panic attack

really should act as a wake-up call.

Have to stop you there, Doctor.

I don't panic, and I never have. The big drought, '76,

everyone else panicking. I just put my Speedos on

and my shades and made some pina coladas.

And how many units

of alcohol do you think you drink a week now?

- 30. - 30? That's 15 pints.

- Oh, is it? Oh, in that case, 60, then. - 60?!

You really do need to start looking after yourself better.

More fruit and vegetables, a lot less alcohol,

- regular exercise... - Doctor, an avalanche couldn't kill me.

I'm sure a few pints won't make a difference.

Just in case, I want to give you one of these.

- What's this? - A referral for free personal training

sessions at the local leisure centre.

You really should start thinking

about making changes to your lifestyle.

- Is it worth getting a second opinion? - No.

Thank you, Doctor. The new Tony Mammoth starts today.

Mm! Lovely!

THEME TUNE TO MINDER

- Please, Mum. Not again. - I'm just saying.

Your university application

won't stand out if you've got no work experience,

- will it, Mammoth? - Absolutely. Never a borrower nor a lender be.

Yeah... Brilliant. It's totally your decision,

but don't blame me if you don't get into uni.

I mean, it's going to be all the fun of the fair, isn't it,

when you're hanging out around car parks with your mates,

smoking wacky baccy? Next thing you know, you'll be

down an alleyway injecting spice into your eyeballs.

Why is it always spice in the eyeballs,

Mum?! Fine, I'll start looking for a job.

Great. I'll start looking for one, too.

Can you both look for one in a different room?

- You've already got a job. - Yeah,

and I've got a new boss who's an absolute arsehole.

Turned me down for a raise. Oh, but he gave your weird little mate

- Nathan a raise. - Nathan's not weird, Mum.

He's 18 and he still plays with Lego.

Yes, with me. And it's not Lego. It's Lego Technics.

It's not the point. Why does he get a raise and I don't?

Let your dad answer that one, and I say this out of love.

You're being weak, and you're not weak,

- you're a Mammoth. - Oh, thanks. - I've been in your position,

a boss taking liberties. Did I put up with it?

No. I marched in there and I said,

- "You pay me what I'm worth or I walk." - And it worked?

More or less.

Are you joining the gym?

Some jobsworth doctor said I needed to.

I said, "Me? A PE teacher? Doesn't get any fitter than this."

- I think you should join a gym. - What are you trying to say?

Nothing. Just wouldn't do you any harm,

would it, to get a bit fitter for me and Theo...

- ..Theo's kids? - Yeah. I don't

think Lego boy's having kids any time soon.

Fine. Yeah. I'll join a gym for you, for Theo,

and for Theo's kids, which he's definitely going to have.

Hey, guys. What can I do for you today?

I am here for a personal training session with her.

Oh, no, Grandad, she doesn't work here,

- she's a model. - I can see she's a model. Why did you let her go?!

You'll have blokes leaving in droves.

- Are you both looking to join? - No.

Mum said I had to come just to make sure he actually

- went through with it. - You still looking for a lifeguard?

- Cos he's after a job. - Are you lifeguard trained?

- Just say yes, they'll never check. - Oh, no, I actually am.

Mum made me do it before we went to Center Parcs,

you know. Water is a great servant, but a terrible master.

- She's a bit full-on. - She is a bit. - Right.

Well, no-one's applied yet,

so I can take you up to see the manager if you want.

- Oh, OK. - Cool. Right, uh,

I'll be back in a minute, and we can do your induction.

- Come on, mate. - Induction?

Yeah, I think I know how a gym works, pal. Mm!

Such a pity.

30 seconds start now. Let's go.

Oh... So sorry.

Uh...

Oh...

Oh!

Oh, no... Nice to meet you.

Well, he said I can start straight away.

I used to be a lifeguard once.

Most boring job in the world.

I kept falling asleep, until I discovered Dexedrine.

- What? Drugs? - Not drugs, uppers. You inject drugs.

My old man, Stanley Mammoth,

swore by Dexedrine. Said in the war one time...

..he stayed up for four days straight on them.

Drove a tank all the way to Libya in one go.

All the rest of the unit were in Egypt.

He got a right bollocking when he got back.

He wasn't even a tank driver. Oh, yes...

They don't make them like Stanley Mammoth any more.

I think I'm going to be fine, Grandad.

I'm actually much more worried about people not listening to me.

- I'm not much of a shouter. - I was exactly like you once.

Obviously, better-looking, stronger, filled with confidence,

but I wasn't much of a shouter until I found out

you don't have to be if you've got a trusty...

..whistle.

See that bloke over there?

LOUD WHISTLE

Feet, off the table, now!

It's as simple as that.

Well, I never.

Tony Mammoth, it IS you!

- Terry Keane. - I can't believe it.

You're looking so well. What a treat!

I'm here doing a spot of football with a few other oldies.

Got to keep active at my age.

We couldn't believe it when we heard you were still alive!

I bet you couldn't, Terry. I bet you couldn't.

Oh, listen, I better run, about to start the second half.

Oh, it's so good to see you!

Let's have a proper catch-up soon, eh?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Terry?

- You'd like that a lot. - Oh, yes, I would!

- I bet you would. - Yes, I would, heh! A lot!

KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY

CHUCKLES

- All right, Mel, everything OK? - Yeah, yeah. It's great.

It's never better. I love working here,

I love it. So, uh... Just wanted to say that.

That is really great, but I really should get on.

Actually, ignore what I just said, because, um...

Well, it's not all right. Well, it's a bit shit.

Well, not shit, just... To be honest, I feel very undervalued.

And I am a valuable cog

in this...cog machine, and I demand to be treated as such.

Sorry, I didn't know you felt like this.

Yeah, yeah, well, I do, buddy... Buddy-o.

So I would like a pay rise or I will walk,

- no ifs or buts. - Sorry, but a pay rise

is out of the question.

Oh, really? OK...

Yeah.

Mind games, I see. Yeah...

Then, I resign.

I'm sorry to hear that.

OK, I formally accept your resignation.

I'll talk to HR. You can leave immediately.

OK...

OK, I will leave immediately.

Yeah, I am gone. Just watch me go.

I'm going. Hasta la vista, baby!

All the best in the future. Happy to give you a reference.

What? Wh...?

I didn't say anything.

Are you going, Auntie Mel?

Yeah...

I think I am, Nathan.

Can I have her parking space?

And he just sat there and let me resign.

- What did you do that for? - Because you told me to!

Didn't think I'd get the sack.

The man's got a business to run, Mel.

Can't have a mutiny on his hands. You didn't give him any choice.

- Now I haven't got a bloody job. - Even Theo's got a job.

Funny how it works out, isn't it?

You lose your job the same day Theo gets one.

- Mad old world. - What can I do? - Why don't you,

um, maybe open, like, a car dealership?

- Become a professional minder or something? - Maybe...

Maybe it could be a good thing, you know? A fresh start?

Follow my dream?

Do something that I've always wanted to do,

like, um...

- TV: - What are you saying? - ..pottery.

Have you always wanted to do pottery?

It's just that that's literally

the first time I've ever heard you say that.

Yes. Yeah, I think I'd be really good at it.

You know, leave the corporate rat race once and for all...

- Make pots with my hands. - Great.

Grandad, who was that man you saw at the gym earlier?

That man, if you can call him a man, was Terry Keane.

And he is a right piece of work!

Really? He seemed nice. Why don't you like him?

He did something awful to me.

Something unspeakable.

Something I can never, ever forgive him for.

- Are you OK, Mammoth? - Not really, Mel, no.

There are some wounds that time simply cannot heal.

Bloody hell, what did this man do to you?!

I swore I'd take it to my grave...but what the hell...

..I should get it off my chest.

It was a dark, dark day, October the 15th, 1978.

Hey, Terry!

- Boys! How you doing? All right? How are we? - All right, mate?

Oh, is that your new car at the front, Mammoth?

- The yellow Capri? - Certainly is,

Terry, my pride and joy. What, you been admiring it?

No, it's nothing like that. It's, uh,

just parked on a bit of an angle,

you might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

Oh, hello!

Oh, Terry. What a guy, huh?

Right, then. Same again, is it?

Sorry, was that the end of the story?

- Yeah. - Did you miss out the part of

- the story where he did anything bad? - Weren't you two listening?

"Oh, you might want to try and straighten it up a bit, mate."

For Christ's sake, man!

Forcing those words down Terry Keane's throat,

it's the only thing that kept me going under the ice.

- Revenge is a dish best served cold. - Revenge?!

He didn't do anything.

And how are you going to get revenge on an old man?

Tony! How's it going?

Oh, I'll tell you how it's going, Terry. It's going well.

It's going very well.

- Good. - Oh, it's good, all right, Terry.

It's very good. You see, I followed your example,

signed up for a team in the over-70s football league.

I don't think you count as over 70.

Date of birth doesn't lie, Terry, old mate.

1935, read it and weep.

Oh, guess what?

My team's playing your team tomorrow.

Oh, great! Oh, that'll be fun.

Oh, it'll be fun for one of us, Terry! It'll be fun for one of us!

All the fun of the fair, Terry! All the fun of the fair!

- See you tomorrow! - See you tomorrow!

All right, lads...

Guys, can we please watch out for others?

LOUD WHISTLE

I said cut it out!

So, this is a totally fresh start for me.

I think this might actually be my big break,

you know? Something that's... that's just mine.

I've been watching

shedloads of Pottery Throw Down, so I am all set.

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

I think I might sell online. Clay By Mel.

Maybe something a little bit cheeky, you know,

- like Cuppa-Feel... Ooh! - Right. Well, uh,

thank you for that.

So if you could all set your clay on your wheels,

let's pick up from last week.

Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?

Oh...

- Looked so easy in Ghost. - I think Leanne could use a hand.

It's all right, Leanne. We're all beginners here.

Sorry. I thought your name was Leanne.

No. It's Mel.

What part of Clay By Mel didn't you get?

- Let's start again, shall we? - All right.

Morning. Hello?

- Morning! - WEIRD ACCENT: - Bonjour.

Would you like to take a little seat, mon cher?

- You all right? - Yeah. Great. Oui, oui.

Sit down. I've prepared a special breakfast for us all.

- I can see, yeah. - Ta-da!

- Oh... Oh! - Coffee?

Yes, please.

- There you go. - Leaking out a little bit.

Matching saucer.

- Wow... - How's your cereal, Theo? - Great.

Well, I suppose you're both wondering

where I got my snazzy new crockery from.

No idea, Mum. You know what? It must have been really expensive.

- I made it. I made all of it. - Wow... - What do you think?

- It's really good. - I know! I'm going to sell it.

It's my new business. What do you think?

Honestly, Mel?

I think it's poor. I think it's really poor.

I think it's probably the worst thing I've ever seen.

I think what Grandad's saying is just that it's early days, you know?

- Yeah. - But the colours are great. - I have to disagree with you there,

I find what little colour there is to be childish.

It's just a really poor effort all round. Disappointing.

Oh, God...

I've quit my job for this.

Oof...

- What am I going to do? - Oh, God knows!

Right, come on. We've got to rock and roll.

Got to pick Roger up.

He's getting me in shape for the big match.

ROCKY THEME

I'll see you later.

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

# Getting stronger

# Won't be long now... #

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.

# Fly

# Fly. #

That way we can really increase the reach on our socials.

Hey, guys. Everyone OK? I brought some pressies for everyone,

you know, just to say no hard feelings.

Hola! Authentic tapas bowl. Patatas bravas, por favor!

- Uh, what are you doing here, Mel? - How about a nifty little Greek bowl?

Yamas! Don't smash that one.

- Can I have my job back? - I'm sorry, Mel,

but I've already filled your position.

Already? How? Who?

- No hard feelings, Mrs Davies. - Mrs Davies?!

What happened to Auntie Mel?

I have known you since you were six years old,

- Nathan. - Auntie Mel, we're in the middle of something,

so if you wouldn't mind just leaving.

I am telling your mum about this. You're not having my plates...

Rude!

BLASTS WHISTLE

- Sorry, we won't do it again. - No, you won't.

Out!

BLASTS WHISTLE

- No bombing! - I wasn't. - Yeah, you were about to.

- Out! - 50 years married next week. - It gets easier, Maureen.

Trust me, he's in a better place.

BLASTS WHISTLE

- No petting. - I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

WHISTLE

No petting.

LONGER BLAST

No petting!

Am I talking to my shitting self?!

Theo, a word, now!

Time to straighten you up a bit, Terry, old son.

Eye of the tiger, man! Do your talking on the pitch.

Jesus Christ, was that tea? No...

Hey, my little girl, I knew you'd be there to support me.

I can't believe you're actually doing this.

It's unhinged. You're supposed

to be here to get fit, not assault a pensioner.

Don't worry about it.

It's all going to be perfectly legal.

It's taken every ounce of my strength

not to go over there and fill him in right now!

Wipe that stupid smile off his face!

Yeah, yeah, go on, champ!

- BLOWS WHISTLE - Captains. - Time for talking is over.

TERRY LAUGHS

Oh, no!

CROWD CHEERS

Yes!

Nice finish! Well done, Tony!

Oh, I'm not finished yet, Terry, old son.

Not finished by a long way.

Oh!

SNAPPING

Argh, argh, argh!

- Oh, my God, your ankle. - Argh, argh!

- I'll get help. - You'll do no such thing!

- I'm playing on. - With that ankle? - It's fine. I've had worse.

Mammoth, this is ridiculous. Stop the game!

- Stop the game! - Don't you dare throw that towel in, Roger.

I've waited 50 years for this.

- Oh... - Help me up, old friend.

Argh, argh!

Argh!

- Just trot it off! Argh, argh! - What are you doing?

HE RETCHES

Ooh, no.

- Back off! - What are you doing here? - I've been fired.

- Why? - I shouted at an old lady and made her pee herself.

- Oh, what'd you do that for? - Just, my pool, my rules.

Never mind. Now, neither of us have got a job,

maybe we could hang out, spend some more time together,

- two amigos. - Great.

MORE RETCHING

I think your grandad's broke his ankle.

And he's thrown up again.

Oh, Tony, I admire your courage,

but you need to go to hospital.

I'm fine, old son.

It's you that's going to need to go to hospital!

Oh...

- MEL, ECHOING: - Mammoth?

Mammoth?

Mammoth?

Mammoth?

- What happened? - It's over. Terry's team won 2-1.

- Terry scored both goals. - Oh...

- Bye-bye, champ. - Argh!

This is the worst day of my life.

Nobody look at me. I'm a failure.

So I just spoke to Nathan,

and they're going to let you come back to work.

- Oh! So I've got my old job back? - Nathan's old job.

Technically, you're going to be under him now.

- So a demotion, then? - Beggars can't be choosers, Mel.

I think he's mad,

taking you back in the first place, if you ask me.

Yeah, well, I'm not asking you!

Oh, here he comes, look.

Probably trying to stick yet another knife in my back,

- if he can find the room. - Don't be so stupid.

He's actually been very worried about you.

All right, Tony? Oh, soon

have you as right as rain again. Do you want to leave me your keys?

I can take the car back to your house for you.

The car stays there.

The only person who drives that car is me and a young lad called Ben

I teach, who goes to the off-licence for me.

- But he looks 17, so that's fine. - Only it's blocking the gate.

Do you want me to at least straighten it up a bit, mate?

- You sick bastard! - Yes, please, Terry.

- That'd be really helpful. Thank you. - You are pure evil!

- You're a despicable human being! - Oh... - You're the lowest of the low.

Can't stand you, Terry. I never could.

Well, you haven't heard the last of this, Terry Keane!

- Tony Mammoth always has the last... - Take care, Tony.

Come on.

Open the door! Take the straps off and let me out the...

# Get down, deeper and down

# Down, down, deeper and down

# Down, down, deeper and down

# Get down, deeper and down

# I want all the world to see

# To see you're laughing and you're laughing at me

# I can take it all from you

# Again, again, again, again... #

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