All language subtitles for Crowded S01E09 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

.

[upbeat rock music]

- I need to get ready for work!

Mike, I have a client!

- She runs,
knowing I will pursue.

- Come on!

Stop Pepé Le Pew-ing me.

- Your protests fall
on deaf ears,

my little Georgia peach.

Oh, hey.

- Who's Pepé Le Pew?

- He's an amorous,
French cartoon skunk.

- It was so funny.

Every episode a female cat

would get a white stripe
down its back

and Pepé would think
it was a girl skunk,

and he'd chase her
and hold her down

and kiss her.

- Sounds like a date rapist.

- It wasn't really a date.

- So he's just
a regular rapist.

- You girls
and your whole generation

are so politically correct.

In my day, a cartoon skunk
would rape a cat,

and you'd just laugh
your head off.

- In your day,
cartoons were racist.

Those crows in "Dumbo," that
Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales.

- What's wrong
with Speedy Gonzales?

He was faster
than everybody else.

You know, they have
an extra muscle in their legs.

both: Grandpa!
- Bob!

- I'm talking about the mice,
not the Mexicans.

I'd hate to see what cartoons
are gonna be like in ten years.

- I'd hate to see what
you'll be like in ten years.

- Don't worry,
I'll be good and dead.

- It's important
to have goals, Dad.

- Bob, these days people
are living a lot longer.

- Yeah, but at what quality
of life?

As soon as I start declining

I want someone to shoot me
in the head.

- Not me.

I want to be kept alive
by any means necessary.

As long as I can watch football
and eat chocolate,

hook me up to every machine
they've got.

- Mike, when the time comes
to shoot me in the head,

I'd like you to do it.

- This is a different kind
of father-son moment.

- I knew you wouldn't do it.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, in ten years I want
to be doing a lot of traveling.

Wouldn't you love
to go to Paris?

- And get raped by a skunk?

- As fun as all this
rape and death talk is,

I'd like to introduce
a new topic.

I've applied for an internship

at the University of
Washington's astrophysics lab.

- That's great, Shea!
- Wow, good luck, sweetie.

- But in the meantime,
to contribute rent money,

I've taken an entry-level job
at Already Ready Burger.

- Hey, isn't that the place
where the burgers are--

- Already ready.
Yes.

Their slogan is,
"It was fresh when we made it."

- Well, I've also found a way
to make money for rent.

You know that show
I do on the Internet?

I've figured out a way
to monetize my online persona.

That means money-ize it.

I know.
I thought it was a typo too.

- Something weird is happening.

I feel good,

and I have a satisfied sense
of attachment to my daughters.

- Is it pride?

- My God.
I think it could be.

*

- Okay, guys, it's me, Stella.

We've got a great show today,

and don't worry,
I will be reading more

from my Taylor Swift-Katy Perry
fan fiction.

#Drama.

[cash register bell dings]

Oh, our new money-izing feature.

That sound means
that somebody just bought

a private, one-on-one chat.

Back in 15, guys.

Hi, T-Dawg25.

Thank you for your contribution.

So tell me what you're into.

[upbeat rock music]

.

- Okay, what if you don't
have arms or legs?

- Chocolate.
Football.

This is all I need.

- But then I'll be married
to an armless, legless woman.

People will talk.

Ethan, you'd shoot me
if I asked you to, right?

- I'd try, but you know,
the yips.

- That's okay, son.

Just knowing that
you're willing is enough for me.

- Oh, my God!

What smells like
rancid hamburger?

- That would be me.

Hello, all.

I would like
your strongest Chardonnay,

and keep them coming.

Up to two.

- Wait, does that badge
say "Shift Supervisor"?

- It does.

I identified a few strategies
to streamline burger assembly,

so they promoted me.

- See, Ethan?
Look at Shea.

- I am looking at Shea.

Only because we all are.

- While she's waiting
for the job she wants,

she's taking the job she needs.

- Alice, he's already got a job.

He's helping us in the bar until
he gets back on the golf tour.

- If you're interested,
as shift supervisor,

I can offer you a position
on our french fry team.

- Wow, going from a professional
golfer to a french fry cook.

That's a pretty steep drop-off.

On the plus side,
I'd be making an income.

On the minus side,

those fries would be salted
with my tears.

- The company expects that.

Most of the employee orientation
is about where it's okay to cry.

- Look, Ethan, you're gonna

get back on the golf tour
in no time.

You don't have to take some
lousy job at a fast-food joint.

No offense, Shea.

- It's hard to be offended

when you're dressed like
Aladdin's monkey.

*

- Rent money, booyah!

- Booyah squared!

Actually, it's booyah
plus booyah,

not booyah times itself,

but I thought the brevity
added to the humor.

Which it almost did.

- Well, how much is that?

- $60.
- Plus my $62.

Well, better not keep
my audience waiting.

- And since I'm the only
employee at Already Ready Burger

to show up
for three consecutive shifts,

I've been promoted
to assistant manager.

I spent my day
putting out fires,

and when I wasn't doing that,

I was solving problems.

- Well, it's no surprise
you're doing great.

You went to MIT after all.

You must stand out.

- Actually, I'm not even
the only PhD there.

Most of them live
with their parents too.

We're all overqualified,

except Rudy the Already Ready
Burger clown.

He's exactly
where he should be.

- Get a load of that.
Rent money.

- It's nice to know
we're not the only parents

with overeducated,
underemployed kids.

- We spent hundreds
of thousands of dollars

on their college educations,

and now we have...

122 back.

*

Now, off to the right
you'll see

Seattle's famous Space Needle.

It was constructed in 1961

and opened to the public
in 1962.

- We have bigger in Russia.

- Just show us
where Frasier live.

- Not a real person.

- But on show
there is a picture.

That's a real building.

Show us building.

- That one.

- I bet that's
where Eddie and Frasier

make the tossed salads
and the egg scrambles.

[chuckles]

- Is that your family?

- That's my wife and daughters.

- [quietly speaking Russian]

- [speaking Russian]
Stella.

- You guys know Stella?

- We see her on the online.

- Really?

Wow.

I guess her Internet stuff's
actually taking off.

- And you know about this?

- Yeah, if my daughter's
making a buck,

we're all for it.

- You are a better man than me.

If my daughter show breasts
on interweb for money--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you telling me my daughter's

taking her top off
on the Internet?

- Yes.
Top, bottom, middle.

- God.

- [speaking Russian]

- [speaking Russian]

*

- Well, I think Stella--

- Not yet.

- I mean, maybe she's--

- Still not ready.

*

- Now?

- Okay.

- Okay.

I think this is
one of those parenting moments

where we each say what
we think we should do

and then respect what
the other one's opinion is.

- Sure.

- I think we should talk to her
and let it be her decision.

- I think that's [bleep] crazy.

We obviously have to lock her
in a tower like Rapunzel,

but unlike that dumb witch,
we shave her head.

- We said she was
our adult roommate.

If she wants to do this,
she can.

The only tool in our arsenal
is kicking her out.

- I think it's the perfect tool
for this situation.

- But then she'll be out
in the world,

still doing this webcam thing,

and we won't be able
to keep an eye on her.

No control.

- I like control.

Control's my thing.

- I think what we should do
is talk to her about this

calmly and rationally.

- Good idea.

Stella, get in here!

- Hey.

We're gonna be okay.

We got through that day
in high school

we found out she was
on birth control.

- The day the music died.

- What's up?

- Your father and I have
some questions for you.

- Okay, shoot.

- You're killing me.

- That's not a question.

- Why are you killing me?

.

- I don't know why you guys
are freaking out so much.

It's legal entertainment.

It's like being naked
in a play or a movie.

I'm playing a part.

- Yeah, you're playing
the role of

"girl destroying father."

- But I'm an adult.

- Martina, do something,
your therapy thing.

Hypnotize her.

- Do you have any idea
what I do?

- Actually, Mom,
I'm basically doing what you do.

A lot my fans just want to talk,

like therapy.

- What I do, Stella,
is quite different.

I listen to their problems.

I make them feel better,

and they leave with a sense
of calm and release.

I hear it now,

and it sounds very similar,
but it's not.

Hi, Shea, you're off to work,
honey?

- No, actually.

I'm on my way
to the Already Ready Burger

corporate offices
to powwow with the big boys.

I guess I'll find out
if I'm "already ready"

for another promotion.

I am.

- Wow, Stella, why can't you
be more like your sister?

- Mike, we agreed never
to compare them.

- But she's so obviously
the good one.

- Hey, how much do you make?

- $20 an hour.

- See, Dad?

I make $4 a minute,

which for an hour is like...

- This could be a while.
Shea, you can go.

- Look, Stella, we want
to respect your decisions,

but we also want you
to think things through.

Your body,
these levels of intimacy

are something you should share
with someone you love.

Sharing it with some stranger
who's paying you

may seem okay in the moment,
but in time, you may find

you're giving up
more than you know,

and it'll affect your sense
of self, your worth,

and your future
real relationships with men.

- Wow, Mom.
You're good.

- That's what I do.

- So you'll stop?

- Look, I hear what
you're saying,

but I'm not doing anything
I'm uncomfortable with.

I love you both,
but I can handle this.

240!

I just figured it out.

That's how much I make an hour.

See? It's improving
my math skills too.

*

- Did you finish filling out
your end-of-life forms?

"If I am no longer able to say,
'shoot me,'

shoot me."

Come on, Bob.

Stop telling me to shoot you.

Aside from being
truly upsetting,

it's a crime.

- Don't worry.

I've got it covered.

I've got a spare gun
in the garage

in a box labeled "spare gun."

Now, wear some gloves,
do the deed,

then scrape off
the serial number with a file.

- Bob.
- Shh. Look.

At the same time, have somebody
who looks like you--

maybe your sister,
she's never busy--

have her drive your car
down the highway,

past the cameras,
to give you an alibi.

Then toss the gun
in the Duwamish River.

- I can't listen
to this anymore.

- Hey, now, wait!

This is the most important part!

If that gun is recovered,
call Joey in the evidence room

and say, "ginger snaps."

He'll know what to do.

She's going down for this.

*

- And this is my new office.

It's crazy.

One day I'm selling burgers,

the next they call me in
for a meeting

and now I'm working corporate.

I made a joke about using
the remains of ketchup packets

to make tomato soup,
and now it's our big Q4 launch.

Anyway, long story short,

you need a job,
and I need an assistant.

You interested?

- Well, it would be
the two of us working together.

- Although you would
be under me.

- That sounds like
an exciting position.

*

- "'We may have had our
differences, Taylor,'

"said Katy, 'but we'll always
have one friend in common.

Music.'"

It's just a lot, guys.

[cash register bell dings]

Oh, some lucky dude, FlyGuy2020,
just bought a private chat.

I'll see you guys in a bit.

Dad?

.

- Dad, you are so invading
my privacy right now!

- Too bad.
From now on I'm gonna be

on your webcam all the time.

And you'll never know
when I'm here

or when I'm watching you.

- But then I
won't even be able to--

- Exactly.

- Ugh!
That is so unfair.

You can't tell me what to do.

I'm an adult.

- Well, I'm an adult,

and you can't tell me
what to do.

- Too-chay, Dad, too-chay.

- It's "touché."

- Yeah, it's always to Shea,
never to Stella.

But fine, I can wait you out.

You go to bed hella early.

- But I don't.

- Mom?

- Stella, we don't care
if you do some stupid stuff,

but some stupid things
have consequences

farther into the future
than others.

- But that's the future.

That's just a bunch of stuff
that hasn't happened yet.

Plus, look at Kim Kardashian
and Paris Hilton.

They made tons of cash
getting naked on camera.

- They did that
after they were famous.

You're just
some anonymous girl.

- You know what?

Maybe you guys are right.

I need to get famous first,

then do something like this
and really make money.

- Exactly.

Wait until you're very,
very famous.

- Okay.
I'll wait.

I mean, I was having
second thoughts anyway.

I'd hate for taking off
my clothes for a bunch of guys

to feel like work.

- That would be a shame.

- Thanks so much for caring
about me and my future.

I love you guys.

Oh, and that'll be $59.99.

But don't worry, I already have
your credit card info.

- That was some good parenting.

- Was it?

I mean, either she's successful,

moves out of the house,
and does a sex tape,

or she's not successful,
never does a sex tape,

but never leaves the house.

Either way, we lose.

[phone rings]

It's from the good one.

- I told you not to say that.

- Well, she wants us
to come to her office

to celebrate another promotion.

- [gasps]
Wow!

She is the good one.

*

- This is a nice place.

I guess the burger business
is booming.

- Well, there's a lot
of money to be made

in good old American beef.

If liberals find a way
to ruin hamburgers, shoot me.

Put that on my list.

- You know, Bob,
I've been thinking,

and if it's truly
what you want me to do,

I'll do it.

I'll shoot you.

- You'd do that for me?

- Yeah.

I'll file away
the serial number,

set my sister up,
the whole plan.

- Well, I can't abandon a woman
who's willing to shoot me.

The only reason I did this
in the first place

was because I don't want
to be a burden to you.

- Oh, Bob.

You're already a burden to me.

But I love that burden,

and I want to carry it
as long as I can.

- I'm gonna make sure of it.

- Nice ending to a weird story.

- Who am I talking to?

- Jerry Stevens,
Stevens Meats.

Three kids,
cabin on Lake Okoboji,

big Warriors fan.

- Jerry, my man.

How about those Warriors?

Okay, listen,

about this price rise
on your sausage patties,

I get it, but, Jerry,
at least take me to dinner

before you [bleep] me,
am I right?

Seriously, though,
fix this or I'll bitch slap you

in front of your family.

Love to the kids, by the way.

- Wow.
That was impressive.

- Maybe even a little scary.

- Tell us about
this new promotion.

- Ethan, hit them with it.

- Shea had a meeting
with the big boys upstairs.

She's now Junior VP in charge
of all breakfast meats.

all: Ooh.

- And they said five years
from now,

she could be in charge
of the whole western region.

- Ooh.
- That's great.

- I thought we could all
celebrate.

I mean, it's 5:00 somewhere,
am I right?

- I wouldn't mind
wetting my beak.

[phone chimes]

- Oh, my gosh.

- What is it?

- It's an email
from the astrophysics lab.

I got the internship!

I'm gonna be studying
the origins of the universe.

- Aww!
- Oh, that's great!

- But I have to say no, right?

I mean, it's a three-year
commitment with no pay,

and this, I mean, this could
be the western region.

Even though it's not my dream,

maybe it's where
I'm meant to be.

- Honey, I think
you should take the internship.

- Your mother's right.

I usually scoff
at dream-following,

but...you've got
a dream worth following.

- We both do.
Right, Mom and Dad?

- Sure.

- I'll do it.
I'm gonna take it.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe I was this close

to spending the rest of my life

talking about
tomato to lettuce ratios.

It should be two to one,
but they just don't get it!

Sorry, not my problem anymore.

I guess I won't need
an assistant anymore,

but following me around

couldn't have been
your dream either, Ethan.

- No...

of course not.

But it did feel nice being good
at something again.

- You'll find something else.

- I'll keep looking.

- Both our girls
were making money,

but...we stopped that.

[phone rings]

- It's Jerry again.

I got to take this.

Talk to me, Jerry.

Yes, 229 we can deal with.

You're the man, Jerry.

You are the man.

What a pussy.

*