Original subtitles

.

[upbeat rock music]

- I need to get ready for work!

Mike, I have a client!

- She runs, knowing I will pursue.

- Come on!

Stop Pepé Le Pew-ing me.

- Your protests fall on deaf ears,

my little Georgia peach.

Oh, hey.

- Who's Pepé Le Pew?

- He's an amorous, French cartoon skunk.

- It was so funny.

Every episode a female cat

would get a white stripe down its back

and Pepé would think it was a girl skunk,

and he'd chase her and hold her down

and kiss her.

- Sounds like a date rapist.

- It wasn't really a date.

- So he's just a regular rapist.

- You girls and your whole generation

are so politically correct.

In my day, a cartoon skunk would rape a cat,

and you'd just laugh your head off.

- In your day, cartoons were racist.

Those crows in "Dumbo," that Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales.

- What's wrong with Speedy Gonzales?

He was faster than everybody else.

You know, they have an extra muscle in their legs.

both: Grandpa! - Bob!

- I'm talking about the mice, not the Mexicans.

I'd hate to see what cartoons are gonna be like in ten years.

- I'd hate to see what you'll be like in ten years.

- Don't worry, I'll be good and dead.

- It's important to have goals, Dad.

- Bob, these days people are living a lot longer.

- Yeah, but at what quality of life?

As soon as I start declining

I want someone to shoot me in the head.

- Not me.

I want to be kept alive by any means necessary.

As long as I can watch football and eat chocolate,

hook me up to every machine they've got.

- Mike, when the time comes to shoot me in the head,

I'd like you to do it.

- This is a different kind of father-son moment.

- I knew you wouldn't do it.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, in ten years I want to be doing a lot of traveling.

Wouldn't you love to go to Paris?

- And get raped by a skunk?

- As fun as all this rape and death talk is,

I'd like to introduce a new topic.

I've applied for an internship

at the University of Washington's astrophysics lab.

- That's great, Shea! - Wow, good luck, sweetie.

- But in the meantime, to contribute rent money,

I've taken an entry-level job at Already Ready Burger.

- Hey, isn't that the place where the burgers are--

- Already ready. Yes.

Their slogan is, "It was fresh when we made it."

- Well, I've also found a way to make money for rent.

You know that show I do on the Internet?

I've figured out a way to monetize my online persona.

That means money-ize it.

I know. I thought it was a typo too.

- Something weird is happening.

I feel good,

and I have a satisfied sense of attachment to my daughters.

- Is it pride?

- My God. I think it could be.

*

- Okay, guys, it's me, Stella.

We've got a great show today,

and don't worry, I will be reading more

from my Taylor Swift-Katy Perry fan fiction.

#Drama.

[cash register bell dings]

Oh, our new money-izing feature.

That sound means that somebody just bought

a private, one-on-one chat.

Back in 15, guys.

Hi, T-Dawg25.

Thank you for your contribution.

So tell me what you're into.

[upbeat rock music]

.

- Okay, what if you don't have arms or legs?

- Chocolate. Football.

This is all I need.

- But then I'll be married to an armless, legless woman.

People will talk.

Ethan, you'd shoot me if I asked you to, right?

- I'd try, but you know, the yips.

- That's okay, son.

Just knowing that you're willing is enough for me.

- Oh, my God!

What smells like rancid hamburger?

- That would be me.

Hello, all.

I would like your strongest Chardonnay,

and keep them coming.

Up to two.

- Wait, does that badge say "Shift Supervisor"?

- It does.

I identified a few strategies to streamline burger assembly,

so they promoted me.

- See, Ethan? Look at Shea.

- I am looking at Shea.

Only because we all are.

- While she's waiting for the job she wants,

she's taking the job she needs.

- Alice, he's already got a job.

He's helping us in the bar until he gets back on the golf tour.

- If you're interested, as shift supervisor,

I can offer you a position on our french fry team.

- Wow, going from a professional golfer to a french fry cook.

That's a pretty steep drop-off.

On the plus side, I'd be making an income.

On the minus side,

those fries would be salted with my tears.

- The company expects that.

Most of the employee orientation is about where it's okay to cry.

- Look, Ethan, you're gonna

get back on the golf tour in no time.

You don't have to take some lousy job at a fast-food joint.

No offense, Shea.

- It's hard to be offended

when you're dressed like Aladdin's monkey.

*

- Rent money, booyah!

- Booyah squared!

Actually, it's booyah plus booyah,

not booyah times itself,

but I thought the brevity added to the humor.

Which it almost did.

- Well, how much is that?

- $60. - Plus my $62.

Well, better not keep my audience waiting.

- And since I'm the only employee at Already Ready Burger

to show up for three consecutive shifts,

I've been promoted to assistant manager.

I spent my day putting out fires,

and when I wasn't doing that,

I was solving problems.

- Well, it's no surprise you're doing great.

You went to MIT after all.

You must stand out.

- Actually, I'm not even the only PhD there.

Most of them live with their parents too.

We're all overqualified,

except Rudy the Already Ready Burger clown.

He's exactly where he should be.

- Get a load of that. Rent money.

- It's nice to know we're not the only parents

with overeducated, underemployed kids.

- We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars

on their college educations,

and now we have...

122 back.

*

Now, off to the right you'll see

Seattle's famous Space Needle.

It was constructed in 1961

and opened to the public in 1962.

- We have bigger in Russia.

- Just show us where Frasier live.

- Not a real person.

- But on show there is a picture.

That's a real building.

Show us building.

- That one.

- I bet that's where Eddie and Frasier

make the tossed salads and the egg scrambles.

[chuckles]

- Is that your family?

- That's my wife and daughters.

- [quietly speaking Russian]

- [speaking Russian] Stella.

- You guys know Stella?

- We see her on the online.

- Really?

Wow.

I guess her Internet stuff's actually taking off.

- And you know about this?

- Yeah, if my daughter's making a buck,

we're all for it.

- You are a better man than me.

If my daughter show breasts on interweb for money--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you telling me my daughter's

taking her top off on the Internet?

- Yes. Top, bottom, middle.

- God.

- [speaking Russian]

- [speaking Russian]

*

- Well, I think Stella--

- Not yet.

- I mean, maybe she's--

- Still not ready.

*

- Now?

- Okay.

- Okay.

I think this is one of those parenting moments

where we each say what we think we should do

and then respect what the other one's opinion is.

- Sure.

- I think we should talk to her and let it be her decision.

- I think that's [bleep] crazy.

We obviously have to lock her in a tower like Rapunzel,

but unlike that dumb witch, we shave her head.

- We said she was our adult roommate.

If she wants to do this, she can.

The only tool in our arsenal is kicking her out.

- I think it's the perfect tool for this situation.

- But then she'll be out in the world,

still doing this webcam thing,

and we won't be able to keep an eye on her.

No control.

- I like control.

Control's my thing.

- I think what we should do is talk to her about this

calmly and rationally.

- Good idea.

Stella, get in here!

- Hey.

We're gonna be okay.

We got through that day in high school

we found out she was on birth control.

- The day the music died.

- What's up?

- Your father and I have some questions for you.

- Okay, shoot.

- You're killing me.

- That's not a question.

- Why are you killing me?

.

- I don't know why you guys are freaking out so much.

It's legal entertainment.

It's like being naked in a play or a movie.

I'm playing a part.

- Yeah, you're playing the role of

"girl destroying father."

- But I'm an adult.

- Martina, do something, your therapy thing.

Hypnotize her.

- Do you have any idea what I do?

- Actually, Mom, I'm basically doing what you do.

A lot my fans just want to talk,

like therapy.

- What I do, Stella, is quite different.

I listen to their problems.

I make them feel better,

and they leave with a sense of calm and release.

I hear it now,

and it sounds very similar, but it's not.

Hi, Shea, you're off to work, honey?

- No, actually.

I'm on my way to the Already Ready Burger

corporate offices to powwow with the big boys.

I guess I'll find out if I'm "already ready"

for another promotion.

I am.

- Wow, Stella, why can't you be more like your sister?

- Mike, we agreed never to compare them.

- But she's so obviously the good one.

- Hey, how much do you make?

- $20 an hour.

- See, Dad?

I make $4 a minute,

which for an hour is like...

- This could be a while. Shea, you can go.

- Look, Stella, we want to respect your decisions,

but we also want you to think things through.

Your body, these levels of intimacy

are something you should share with someone you love.

Sharing it with some stranger who's paying you

may seem okay in the moment, but in time, you may find

you're giving up more than you know,

and it'll affect your sense of self, your worth,

and your future real relationships with men.

- Wow, Mom. You're good.

- That's what I do.

- So you'll stop?

- Look, I hear what you're saying,

but I'm not doing anything I'm uncomfortable with.

I love you both, but I can handle this.

240!

I just figured it out.

That's how much I make an hour.

See? It's improving my math skills too.

*

- Did you finish filling out your end-of-life forms?

"If I am no longer able to say, 'shoot me,'

shoot me."

Come on, Bob.

Stop telling me to shoot you.

Aside from being truly upsetting,

it's a crime.

- Don't worry.

I've got it covered.

I've got a spare gun in the garage

in a box labeled "spare gun."

Now, wear some gloves, do the deed,

then scrape off the serial number with a file.

- Bob. - Shh. Look.

At the same time, have somebody who looks like you--

maybe your sister, she's never busy--

have her drive your car down the highway,

past the cameras, to give you an alibi.

Then toss the gun in the Duwamish River.

- I can't listen to this anymore.

- Hey, now, wait!

This is the most important part!

If that gun is recovered, call Joey in the evidence room

and say, "ginger snaps."

He'll know what to do.

She's going down for this.

*

- And this is my new office.

It's crazy.

One day I'm selling burgers,

the next they call me in for a meeting

and now I'm working corporate.

I made a joke about using the remains of ketchup packets

to make tomato soup, and now it's our big Q4 launch.

Anyway, long story short,

you need a job, and I need an assistant.

You interested?

- Well, it would be the two of us working together.

- Although you would be under me.

- That sounds like an exciting position.

*

- "'We may have had our differences, Taylor,'

"said Katy, 'but we'll always have one friend in common.

Music.'"

It's just a lot, guys.

[cash register bell dings]

Oh, some lucky dude, FlyGuy2020, just bought a private chat.

I'll see you guys in a bit.

Dad?

.

- Dad, you are so invading my privacy right now!

- Too bad. From now on I'm gonna be

on your webcam all the time.

And you'll never know when I'm here

or when I'm watching you.

- But then I won't even be able to--

- Exactly.

- Ugh! That is so unfair.

You can't tell me what to do.

I'm an adult.

- Well, I'm an adult,

and you can't tell me what to do.

- Too-chay, Dad, too-chay.

- It's "touché."

- Yeah, it's always to Shea, never to Stella.

But fine, I can wait you out.

You go to bed hella early.

- But I don't.

- Mom?

- Stella, we don't care if you do some stupid stuff,

but some stupid things have consequences

farther into the future than others.

- But that's the future.

That's just a bunch of stuff that hasn't happened yet.

Plus, look at Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

They made tons of cash getting naked on camera.

- They did that after they were famous.

You're just some anonymous girl.

- You know what?

Maybe you guys are right.

I need to get famous first,

then do something like this and really make money.

- Exactly.

Wait until you're very, very famous.

- Okay. I'll wait.

I mean, I was having second thoughts anyway.

I'd hate for taking off my clothes for a bunch of guys

to feel like work.

- That would be a shame.

- Thanks so much for caring about me and my future.

I love you guys.

Oh, and that'll be $59.99.

But don't worry, I already have your credit card info.

- That was some good parenting.

- Was it?

I mean, either she's successful,

moves out of the house, and does a sex tape,

or she's not successful, never does a sex tape,

but never leaves the house.

Either way, we lose.

[phone rings]

It's from the good one.

- I told you not to say that.

- Well, she wants us to come to her office

to celebrate another promotion.

- [gasps] Wow!

She is the good one.

*

- This is a nice place.

I guess the burger business is booming.

- Well, there's a lot of money to be made

in good old American beef.

If liberals find a way to ruin hamburgers, shoot me.

Put that on my list.

- You know, Bob, I've been thinking,

and if it's truly what you want me to do,

I'll do it.

I'll shoot you.

- You'd do that for me?

- Yeah.

I'll file away the serial number,

set my sister up, the whole plan.

- Well, I can't abandon a woman who's willing to shoot me.

The only reason I did this in the first place

was because I don't want to be a burden to you.

- Oh, Bob.

You're already a burden to me.

But I love that burden,

and I want to carry it as long as I can.

- I'm gonna make sure of it.

- Nice ending to a weird story.

- Who am I talking to?

- Jerry Stevens, Stevens Meats.

Three kids, cabin on Lake Okoboji,

big Warriors fan.

- Jerry, my man.

How about those Warriors?

Okay, listen,

about this price rise on your sausage patties,

I get it, but, Jerry, at least take me to dinner

before you [bleep] me, am I right?

Seriously, though, fix this or I'll bitch slap you

in front of your family.

Love to the kids, by the way.

- Wow. That was impressive.

- Maybe even a little scary.

- Tell us about this new promotion.

- Ethan, hit them with it.

- Shea had a meeting with the big boys upstairs.

She's now Junior VP in charge of all breakfast meats.

all: Ooh.

- And they said five years from now,

she could be in charge of the whole western region.

- Ooh. - That's great.

- I thought we could all celebrate.

I mean, it's 5:00 somewhere, am I right?

- I wouldn't mind wetting my beak.

[phone chimes]

- Oh, my gosh.

- What is it?

- It's an email from the astrophysics lab.

I got the internship!

I'm gonna be studying the origins of the universe.

- Aww! - Oh, that's great!

- But I have to say no, right?

I mean, it's a three-year commitment with no pay,

and this, I mean, this could be the western region.

Even though it's not my dream,

maybe it's where I'm meant to be.

- Honey, I think you should take the internship.

- Your mother's right.

I usually scoff at dream-following,

but...you've got a dream worth following.

- We both do. Right, Mom and Dad?

- Sure.

- I'll do it. I'm gonna take it.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I was this close

to spending the rest of my life

talking about tomato to lettuce ratios.

It should be two to one, but they just don't get it!

Sorry, not my problem anymore.

I guess I won't need an assistant anymore,

but following me around

couldn't have been your dream either, Ethan.

- No...

of course not.

But it did feel nice being good at something again.

- You'll find something else.

- I'll keep looking.

- Both our girls were making money,

but...we stopped that.

[phone rings]

- It's Jerry again.

I got to take this.

Talk to me, Jerry.

Yes, 229 we can deal with.

You're the man, Jerry.

You are the man.

What a pussy.

*