All language subtitles for Crowded S01E08 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

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- Previously on "Crowded"...

- Where's your mother now?
- Oh, she left when I was a kid.

It's nice having one
of those older ladies

in the house
who takes care of you.

- Do you think maybe
what you're really missing

is your own mother?

- Hey, Mom.

It's, uh, Mike.

If you get this,
please give me a call.

[upbeat music]

- Thanks for letting me
tag along

for the traffic report, Mike.

Oh, very excited
to meet Guy in the Sky.

His first name is Guy.
That's why that works.

- Thanks for the breakdown.

I don't get what the big
deal is--he's just traffic.

- Oh, traffic is the only news
that actually matters.

Somebody died?
What can I do about it?

Local elections?
Who cares?

But Guy in the Sky
gives you news you can use.

Hey, that's good.
Write that down, Mike.

- Mike, it's Jim
from the news desk.

Guy should be there
momentarily.

- Thanks, Jim.

Hey, Guy.

- [groans]
Hey, Mike.

- There's the great man.

- What's up?
You don't look so good.

- I really tied one on
last night...

[laughs]
And also this morning.

I need to lie down for a bit.

- That's not good.

[upbeat music]

- So Dad's mom
never called him back?

- No, and I feel guilty,
because I'm the one

who pushed him to call her.

I just wish there was some way
we could get in touch with her,

at least find out
if she got the message.

- Why don't we track her down?

- That's a great idea.

- I've watched
so much "Catfish,"

I know exactly
how to find people.

And I can tell you
if it's really Dad's mom

or a gay guy in Indiana.

- We'll pursue leads
and analyze data,

like Nancy Drew--

slim and attractive,

popular without trying.

Maybe I'll find
my own Ned Nickerson.

And he'll worry about me,
because I'll be searching

for clues in hidden caves
and abandoned mills.

But after I crack the case,
oh, he'll scold me,

but I'll know how proud he is
by his kiss.

- [snaps fingers]
Come back, Shea.

- I don't want to.

- Let's do it.

Let's find your dad's mom,

But don't tell him. We don't
want to get his hopes up.

And, Alice,
you can't tell Bob.

- Oh, I tell him very little.

I treat him like a stranger.

Keeps it hot.

*

- And I'd say, after being
rescued from the fire,

that was one hot dog.

[both laugh]

- Good one, Jim.
- Thanks, Heidi.

- And now, with the traffic,
let's go to Guy in the Sky.

- Guy.

Guy, wake up.
Guy!

- Oh, God,
the red light's on.

- Everything okay
up there, fellas?

- Well, uh, see, Guy is, uh--

- Uh, Guy is, uh,
temporarily unavailable,

but, uh...

I'm Bob Moore,

here with my son, Mike,

and we are...

the Pair in the Air.

- What the hell are you doing?
- The traffic.

We can do this.

Jim, I'm looking down
at the 5,

and if you're on it,
you're screwed.

Looks like there's
an accident.

Figures, it's a German car--

from the bastards
who brought you Hitler.

- No offense
to our German viewers.

- [chuckles awkwardly]

- Uh, yeah, Dad,
they've brought us

lots of wonderful things--

Gummi Bears, Heidi Klum,
Detlef Schrempf.

Remember when he played
for the Sonics?

- Sure, the white one.

Don't get me started
on the Sonics.

Why did they ever leave us?

- Dad, let it go.
That was ten years ago.

- So? Your mother left me
40 years ago,

and I'm still pissed
about that,

and I vowed
if I ever got on TV,

I would use this forum
to make a statement.

Screw you, Linda.

- I'm sure that's all
super helpful

to all the people
in the cars down there.

- Okay, fine.

There's an accident on the 520,

so better take the 405.

I used to be a cop,

and there's never
speed traps there.

Trust me, you can do 100.

- Yep, that'll stop
all the accidents.

- I'm just saying--

I knew a guy who got a hand job
doing 120 on the 405.

And he just might be
in this copter.

- Maybe that's enough
for the traffic.

On behalf of Jim,
the Channel Ten AccuNews Team...

[Spanish accent]
This is Heidi Lopez-Barrancas.

- Hey, Heidi, how come
when you say your name,

you get all Spanish-y?

You never hear
an Irish anchorman say,

[Irish accent] "This is
Jimmy McCarthy reporting to you

"from the Potato News Network,

investigating who stole
me Lucky Charms, eh?"

- For God's sake,
someone please cut his mic.

[upbeat music]

*

- Ooh, that's them.

Quick, act normal.

- Leave it to me.
I'm an actress.

Wow. Today's been
one normal thing after another.

- Not for us.

You guys watch
the traffic report on the news?

- No one under 70

is gonna say yes
to that question.

- Well, they will now.

We took over for Guy in the Sky,
and we are a hit.

- Especially with young men--
the most coveted demo.

They love it when we get angry
with each other.

- All those decades
of painful bickering...

worth it.

- Oh, my God.
You're trending.

Everyone's tweeting
about the cranky old racist guy.

I guess that's Grandpa, right?

- Of course it's Grandpa!

- Well, I can't take
all the credit.

I mean,
Mike is a fine sidekick.

- You're the sidekick.
I'm the one flying the chopper.

You're like one of those
crotchety old Muppets

up in the balcony.

I'm Kermit.

- If you think for one second
you are Kermit--

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Let's save this for the show.

- You got it, partner.
How about a beer?

- Oh, no, you guys
should go out.

I bet somebody recognizes you
and buys you a beer.

- She's right.
We should go meet our public.

- Yeah.

Let 'em know
it's all for them.

- Show them that fame
hasn't gone to our heads.

- Later, ladies,
from Bob Moore at the Door.

- Ooh, that's a good one.

- I'm freestyling.

- Okay, let's get
back to work.

*

So we know that Mike's Mom

is going by the name
"Linda Davis,"

and we've narrowed it down
to four possibilities.

I wish we knew
what she looked like.

- Bob got rid
of all the pictures of her,

but I might have a lead
on Linda number two.

- I hope it's Linda
number three.

I Zillowed her house,
and it's worth $4 million.

She sounds nice.

- She's just rich.

I've been taking care of you
since you were little.

- Yeah, but New Grandma
can take care of me

the rest of my life, so...

- Guys, I got her.

I found Grandpa's old
address book in the attic.

I called an old neighbor.

She was dead, so I called
another old neighbor--

also dead...

as was the third neighbor.

- Shea, skip the dead people.

- Anyway, the seventh neighbor

remembered Dad's mom
moving to Rainier Valley,

which checks out
with the address of...

Linda number one.

- Great work, Shea.

- I Nancy-Drew'd
the heck out of it.

Of course,
if I were Nancy Drew,

I'd jump in my blue roadster
and go see Ned.

He'd be so proud of me.

We'd hug, and then
he'd throw me on his bed

and rip my clothes off.

- Shea.

- Sorry.
It's been a while.

Let's go.
- Yeah.

*

[knock at door]

- Wow.
We could be meeting

the woman Bob loved
before me.

- Our grandmother.

- What if she looks like me?

What if I'm about to see
my face, but old?

Guys, we shouldn't do this.

- Please let me be
better than her.

Please let me be
better than her.

Yes.

.

- Hi.
Are you Linda Davis?

- Uh, that depends.

Are you Animal Control?

Because I have a completely
normal number of cats--

12-ish.

- You have 12 cats?

- Six, nine,
what do you want from me?

- Um, I'm Martina Moore.

My husband is Mike Moore,

and these are our daughters--

Stella and Shea.

- And what about the one
in the back?

Adopted?

- No, she's not my child.

She's my mother-in-law.
- Oh. Hey.

- Anyway, I know this is
a lot to take in,

but are you Mike's mom?

Because if you are,

we'd like you to be
a part of our family.

- I'd like that.

I am.

I am Mike's mom.

- Oh, we found you.

- Oh, please, come in.

Cats, we have company!

And you better be
on your best behavior,

Holden Pawfield.

This one hates phonies.

- Like the book.

- What book?

- Oh, my God.

I think I've actually seen
this episode of "Hoarders."

- Stella.

Don't be rude.

- Oh, no.
[chuckles]

I was actually on that show.

It was their
second-highest-rated

episode ever.

Not that I like to brag.

- [laughs]

Now, Linda,
Mike left you a message.

Did you get it?

- I did.

I just didn't know
what I had to say to him.

You know, I looked
a lot like you

when I was a girl.

- You did?
What happened?

- Oh, lots of drinking,
partying, and sleeping around.

- I'm gonna need a minute.

I did not think today
was going to be my wake-up call.

- Well, let me get you
a glass of water.

I make my own.

- Wow.
Dad's mom seems...

a little, you know.

- She is rather...
- Crazy.

Bitch is crazy.

- Look, all signs do point...

to the bitch
being crazy, but...

she's still Mike's mother.

- Here you go, Stella,
My twin.

- Now, um, Linda,

uh, Mike would really like
to see you.

- And we want to get
to know you better.

- Oh.

- And as much as I want
to hate you

for breaking Bob's heart,

if you hadn't,
he wouldn't have found me.

- So what you're saying is

I'm a hero.

- What?

No.

- You are all so sweet,

but, I mean, look at me.

Who would want me
to be their mother?

- Aw.

- Listen, Cat Grandma.

What if we gave you
a makeover?

- Oh, that's a great idea.

That would give you the
confidence to see Mike again.

- And we could help you
clean up your apartment.

These newspapers
are from 15 years ago.

- No!

Don't touch those.

I-I-I haven't
finished them yet.

I'm just in the middle

of reading about Brad and Jen's

fairy-tale wedding.

If those two don't make it,

I give up on love.

- Aw, that's so cute.

You haven't given up on love.

You could meet a boy hoarder.

Think of all the stuff
you'd have.

- Ooh, it's like looking
in a mirror.

- Stop that.

.

- Hello, Seattle.

[American accent]
This is Heidi Lopez-Barrancas.

And now it's time for traffic

with everyone's new favorites,
the Pair in the Air.

How's it looking
up there, fellas?

- Well, thank you, Heidi.

From up here
in the catbird seat,

it looks like the 405's
a little backed up.

- I'm a little
backed up, Mike.

That's a [bleep]show
down there.

What? We've got
that 7-second delay.

- No, we don't. There's a whole
email thread about it.

Subject line--"Please remind Bob
there's no 7-second delay."

- Well, [bleep] me.

You know, Mike and I
don't agree on much,

but what we do agree on
is the tastiness

of Kenny's Subshack's
foot-long sandwiches.

- Now what are you doing?

- I got us a sponsor.

As we say in the business,
I'm paying some bills.

This is 12 inches
of meaty goodness.

- That's what she said.

- What is wrong with you?

- Sorry.
They're infectious.

- Worst [bleep]
sandwich ever.

We're not still
on the air, are we?

*

- A final pass
with the lip brush,

and...

ta-da.

Oh, my gosh,
you look beautiful.

- Your cats
won't recognize you.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, no, it--
it's just a figure of speech.

- I'm not so sure I want Bob
seeing you looking so good.

- Alice,
Bob belongs to you now.

Tell me, did he ever
hold you close at night,

stroke your hair,

and sing
"How Deep Is Your Love"?

- Never.

- Same old Bob.

He didn't do that
with me either.

Oh, you're all so nice.

I'm having so much fun.

I feel like
I've finally come home.

I never want to leave.

[car door opens, closes]

- Oh, that must be Mike.

- I got to go!
- Oh, no.

You can't go.
I will help you through this.

- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not ready.

I need some cats.

Where--where do you keep
your cats?

- Look, honey...

it's your mother.

- Hi, Mike.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

- Yeah, who are you?

I've never seen this woman
before in my life.

- Oh, my God, everyone.

This is not the real Mike.

- Wait.
So you're not his mother?

- What the hell's
going on here?

- We tried to track down
your mother,

and she said
she was your mother.

- Why did you lie to us?

- Well, honestly,

I've been so lonely,

and you're all so nice,

and didn't you guys say

when you first started

that if you could help
just one person,

it would all be worth it?

- No.

None of us said
anything like that.

- Son...

I've got a great fight
for the show tonight.

Remember when you thought
you lost your baseball cards?

You didn't.
I sold 'em.

Who's this?

- I'm your fake ex-wife.

And am I crazy,

or do we still have
some chemistry?

- You're crazy.

- I got to stop
phrasing questions like that.

[sighs]

- Okay, I can explain.

Bob, don't freak out,

but Mike called his mother.

She never called back,

and so I went out
looking for her.

- You called her?

How dare you do that
without telling me?

- Calm down, Dad.
I'm a grown man.

I can call whoever I want.
- Not her.

- I'm allowed to want
a relationship with my mother.

- No, you're not!
- Of course I am!

- I'm--You're--I don't want
to talk about it.

- I don't want to talk
about it either.

- I got to go.
I'm out of here.

- I'll meet you there.
I'm driving myself.

[door slams]

- Well, that went a lot better
than I thought.

- It did?

- Well, earlier today,

when I was lying to you
about being Mike's mother

and picturing how
all this would end,

I pictured a lot worse.

I really think
we dodged a bullet.

.

[upbeat music]

- And now it's time
for Seattle's favorite,

irrepressible Pair in the Air,
Mike and Bob.

- [chuckles]
Who knows what crazy things

they'll say next?

[both laugh]

And fun fact--we now do have
a 7-second delay.

[chuckles]

Guys, I'm laughing already.

Uh, guys, we're on the air.

- Uh, right.

We have got a jackknifed truck

on the northbound 5
at exit 166.

- So get off at Seneca Street
or take 7th to--

How the hell could you call her
without telling me?

- 'Cause I wanted to.
- After what she did to us?

- I've only heard one side
of the story.

- Yeah, the right side.

- Guys?
The funny traffic?

- Oh, shove it
up your ass, hairpiece.

- Look, I just missed her.

I just miss having a mother
in my life.

- She left me too, you know.

- Yeah, but I was just a kid.

Come home one day,
and she's gone.

And you know what you told me?
"Don't cry."

How could you tell
a 7-year-old boy

who just lost his mother
not to cry?

- Because I knew if you cried,
I would fall apart,

and I didn't want you
to see that,

because...

[voice breaking]
Men don't cry.

They soldier on.

- You know, you're right.

We hold it together,
even when it's difficult.

- [crying]

She shouldn't have left you.

- She shouldn't have left you
either, Pop.

- I really tried
to be enough for you.

- I know you did, Dad.

Jim, Heidi, back to you.

- Oh, we cut to commercial.

- I wonder
if that's a bad thing.

- No way.
We got real there.

It was raw, honest.

Our fans love us.

I think we're gonna be just--

- Fired.
We got fired.

- Yeah.

Apparently, grown men
crying on the air

doesn't test well
with the young male demo.

- Yeah,
it's all over Twitter--

#Sky Pussies.

- Oh, this one's funny.

This guy says you should
"grow a pair in the air."

Retweet.

- I've never seen you cry
before, Grandpa.

- And me.
You never saw me cry before.

That must have been
a big shock.

- Yes, you were
positively dry-eyed

when the Mets lost
the World Series.

- Two games. Two games
we had leads going into the 9th,

one going into the 8th,

and then Collins had
to leave Harvey in.

I just...

Yeah, I don't want
to talk about it.

- Anyway, I thought women
liked it when men cry.

both: Eh...

- I cried on "Hoarders."

Second-highest-rated episode--
just saying.

- I'm trying to think

of the least offensive way
to ask,

"Why is she still here?"

- She likes us.

- And we like her.

She's just
a cool little cat lady

that I'll never turn into.

- Honey, I am so sorry.

We should not have done this
behind your back.

- It's all right.

Your heart was
in the right place,

and I love you all for that.

- I love you too.

Mike, I'm sorry I pretended

to be your mother,

and I don't know
why your real mom left,

because I would do anything
to be part of this family.

both: Aww.

- Thank you...

Fake Linda.

- My name is actually Linda.

- Is it?
- No.

- Well, look, maybe this
is a sign I shouldn't try

to find my real mom
and I should just concentrate

on the people who actually want
to be a part of my family.

- Like me.

- Sure, why not?

- Forget your mother, Mike.

That woman is
nothing but trouble.

- Hey, Mom.

It's, uh, Mike,
your son.

It's, uh, been a long time,
maybe too long a time.

So, if you get this,
uh, please give me a call.

[serious music]

[engine turning over]