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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,235
.
2
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,103
[Marvin Gaye's
"Let's Get It On"]
3
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,973
- * I've been
really trying baby *
4
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,376
- Hey, handsome.
What's taking you so long?
5
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,912
- I'm making you
want it more.
6
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,583
- It's working.
7
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,118
- We can do it
right here
8
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,287
and not walk up stairs...
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:23,957
apply the energy
that we saved to the sex.
10
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:27,027
- The kitchen?
So dirty.
11
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,464
- Really dirty.
12
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,166
- * Let's get it on
13
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,602
[upbeat music]
14
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,705
- The kitchen
is so dirty.
15
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,975
- Really dirty.
16
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:44,044
- I guess the experiment
of waiting to see
17
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,979
if the girls would clean up
after themselves
18
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,815
didn't turn out so hot.
19
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:51,885
- That was a swing
and a miss.
20
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:56,023
- I was up all night helping
Shea fill out job applications.
21
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,992
- Good. Maybe she'll get a job
and fill up that gas tank.
22
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,928
Apparently they think
the flashing red E
23
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:04,498
stands for
"excellent, keep driving."
24
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,634
- Well, at least
Stella broke up with Justin.
25
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,569
So that's good.
26
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,971
Although there has been
a lot of rebounding.
27
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,540
- High-school guys
had the decency
28
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,674
to sneak out the window.
29
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,509
Now they come downstairs,
and I have to pretend
30
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,445
like I don't want
to punch them in the face.
31
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,617
You know what would take
our minds off of this?
32
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:27,755
Remember that naked thing
we used to do?
33
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,257
- It has been a while.
34
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:33,261
[telephone ringing]
35
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,429
Martina Moore.
36
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,231
Hello, Jeremy.
37
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,232
Sorry.
38
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,168
I should take this
in my office.
39
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:43,871
- So no naked thing.
40
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,440
- Morning, Dad.
- Hey, sweetie.
41
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,041
- I finally got
my applications off
42
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,943
to every astrophysics lab
I could find.
43
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,179
- Oh, well, that's good.
44
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,947
- Is it?
What if I don't get in anywhere?
45
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,749
Focus on my social life,
you say?
46
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,319
I don't think so, 'cause
that's a complete disaster.
47
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,424
- Maybe there's
some larger perspective
48
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,793
that you could take
solace from.
49
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,060
- You're right.
50
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,198
Life is short, random,
and ultimately pointless.
51
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,366
- There you go.
52
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,803
- Oh, hey, guys,
what are you still doing up?
53
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,205
- It's morning, Stella.
54
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,841
- Oh, that explains a lot.
55
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,743
- That's one
crazy-looking wig.
56
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,546
- It's not a wig.
- I like it.
57
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,682
- Thanks, Dad.
58
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,983
This girl Jessica did it.
59
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,553
We got wasted, and she cut it,
and I honestly think
60
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,322
she's gonna be
the next big thing--
61
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:38,426
not in hairdressing, but
in telling people what to do.
62
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,427
[cell phone rings]
63
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,928
- Oh, it's your grandparents.
64
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,095
The new rule is
they have to text
65
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,565
before they come over,
and then I can text back...
66
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:48,035
"Not home."
67
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,136
And send.
68
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:52,240
I'm a genius.
69
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,707
- What do you mean
you're not home?
70
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,909
We can see you, genius!
71
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,248
- What's the purpose
of a text
72
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,649
if you're just gonna
barge in anyway?
73
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,718
- How should we know?
It's your system.
74
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,121
- Oh, good Lord, girl,
your hair is pink.
75
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,657
- I know, right?
76
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,425
- Hi, everyone.
77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,261
- Oh, this is
my new friend Jessica.
78
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,896
She's completely freegan,
has a sick Instagram,
79
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,798
and she knows Drake.
80
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:18,999
- I don't know
81
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,169
if those are positive
or negative qualities.
82
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,304
- Nice to meet
all of you.
83
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,774
Stell, I got to bounce.
- Okay, bye, Jess.
84
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,783
- Oh, my God!
85
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,519
You cut your hair!
86
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,359
[upbeat music]
87
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:53,334
*
88
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,870
- So, what,
you're gay now?
89
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,472
- Dad, just because
I slept with a girl
90
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,408
doesn't mean I'm a lesbian.
91
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,844
- Doesn't it, though?
92
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,446
- You know whose fault
this is?
93
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,316
- The Democrats?
94
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,950
- Not this time.
95
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,051
This comes from all that
96
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,787
"everything you do
is great" parenting.
97
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,324
- Why are you here?
98
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,559
- Well, certainly not to see
my granddaughter
99
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,329
kiss somebody else's
granddaughter.
100
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,397
Come on, Alice,
let's go.
101
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,433
- It really is
no big deal.
102
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:28,336
- She's right.
Sexuality is very fluid now.
103
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,171
People don't adhere
to specific traditional labels.
104
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,340
- What's wrong with labels?
105
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,842
That's how you know
what stuff is.
106
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,479
See?
This is water.
107
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:41,081
That's vodka.
108
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,520
- I fill it
before I go out.
109
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,056
I don't do bar prices.
110
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,259
- Great.
Thrifty but criminal.
111
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,362
- More labels--
criminal, gay.
112
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,996
You're so uptight
about everything.
113
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,631
I mean,
Mom slept with a woman.
114
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,166
- What?
- What?
115
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:03,136
[giggles nervously]
116
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,839
It was in college
before I met you.
117
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,907
It's nothing.
118
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,609
- No, it's not nothing
if your husband
119
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,745
doesn't know about it,
but your daughters do.
120
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,382
- The girls are my friends.
121
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,183
- What am I?
122
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,985
- Dad, I don't want
to boring-shame you,
123
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,253
but your Disney prince
would be Snow White's prince,
124
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,692
and his name was literally
just "The Prince."
125
00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:27,495
You're a little vanilla
when it comes to this stuff.
126
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:31,432
- You are what you eat.
[laughs]
127
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,634
- Yeah, yeah,
Dad's vanilla,
128
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,903
but we're all cool
and gay.
129
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,408
- Well, I'm not gay, but maybe
if I were less straight,
130
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,443
it would broaden
my opportunities.
131
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,412
- I keep telling you
to try a dating app.
132
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,113
That's how I met Jessica.
133
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,715
- I don't know.
134
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:48,916
Why can't
I just meet somebody
135
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,184
getting stuck
in a revolving door
136
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,454
or sharing
the same taxi
137
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,923
or having a big conglomerate
open up across the street
138
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,325
from my mom-and-pop
bookstore?
139
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,461
And then I meet
the head of the conglomerate,
140
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,029
and darn it
if he doesn't drive me crazy
141
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,765
in the beginning...
142
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:08,235
but then
he wins me over.
143
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,871
- Mom and I will help you
make a dating profile,
144
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,640
and you've got
nothing to worry about.
145
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,107
I've seen you naked,
and your boobs
146
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,544
are like two perfect
handfuls of perky.
147
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,278
- I'm out.
148
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,916
And there's nothing wrong
with vanilla.
149
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:26,787
They're exotic beans,
and their flavor is exquisite.
150
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,459
Oh, so good.
151
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:34,361
[upbeat music]
152
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,930
- What's bothering you, huh?
153
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,232
Is it that free-love,
hippie-commune thing
154
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,301
you got going on
at your place?
155
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:45,105
- You miss Nixon,
don't you?
156
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,476
- Every day.
157
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,944
Look, you made a big stink
that we should talk more,
158
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:51,945
so talk.
159
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,581
- All right, fine.
160
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,849
Martina and I used to have
a good, frequent thing going,
161
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,318
and now that the girls are home,
it's not happening at all.
162
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:03,256
- Wah, wah. Stop crying.
You'll ruin your dress.
163
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,226
I'm sorry, habit.
Go on.
164
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,928
- So I think
I got it figured out.
165
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,964
The girls are poisoning
Martina against me.
166
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,601
They say I'm vanilla.
She sees me as vanilla.
167
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,869
And she doesn't want
to have sex with vanilla.
168
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,871
It's like the old days.
It's three against one.
169
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,039
I wish I had a son.
170
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,509
- It isn't that great.
171
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,148
Look, I went through something
similar with your mother,
172
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,518
and it's one of the reasons
why we split up.
173
00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,353
She was a free spirit,
into all that New Age crap,
174
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,623
and, well, she saw me
as a square cop
175
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,390
who wouldn't try new things.
176
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,959
You can't let
this slide, Mike.
177
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,528
You got to spice things up.
178
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,062
- How do you propose
I do that?
179
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,098
- Well, I got some tips
from movies.
180
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,070
- Movies?
181
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,539
- You know...
182
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,173
movies.
183
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:59,212
- Are you talking
about porn?
184
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:02,315
- Yeah, but I'm trying to be
a little classy.
185
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,117
All right,
you got a computer, don't you?
186
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,919
You won't believe
what they got going on
187
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,221
in that thing.
188
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,757
- I know what they got
going on in that thing.
189
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,024
I'm just more
of a magazine guy.
190
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,025
I don't need plot.
191
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,663
I don't care
how the pizza got there.
192
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:18,732
- Y'all talking about porn?
193
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,033
I have to say,
your father became
194
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,803
a much better lover
after we watched a few films.
195
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,773
- You have to say that?
196
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:31,745
.
197
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,881
- Okay, ToastUp is the greatest
dating app ever.
198
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,084
So your picture
and your profile
199
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,151
are your slice of bread,
200
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,887
and when you match
with other slices,
201
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,189
they pop up
out of a toaster.
202
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:45,993
Okay, Shea, how would you
describe your look?
203
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,829
- My face is
fairly symmetrical,
204
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,598
average height,
205
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:53,601
hips regrettably boyish.
206
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,136
- I'll put "banging."
207
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,237
Personality?
208
00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,407
- Typical scientist--
methodical, logical.
209
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,176
- Brain also "banging."
210
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,212
Okay, for fun,
I filled out profiles
211
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,413
for you and Grandma.
212
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,749
Just open the app.
- But we're married.
213
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,350
- Just 'cause you're tied
to the fence
214
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,653
doesn't mean you can't bark
at the cars.
215
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,426
[toaster bell dings]
- Ooh, those are your matches.
216
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,730
- Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to take a look.
217
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:26,533
Oh, my God,
they're all so old.
218
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:31,104
- Oh, look at this fine
Denzel-looking dreamboat.
219
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:35,142
Ha ha. That's what's out there
looking for me, ladies.
220
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,476
Yeah, he's only
a barista,
221
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,111
but that just means
he's a go-getter.
222
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,279
[chuckles]
223
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,214
Mm, this app is great.
224
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,883
[cell phone beeps]
225
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:46,386
Oh, wait. What's that?
Why is my toast burning?
226
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,790
- He's tossing your toast.
He's rejecting you.
227
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,759
- Rejecting me?
228
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:55,996
That broke-ass, ratchet,
pretty-boy mother[bleep].
229
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,497
I don't have time
for this nonsense.
230
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,499
That app sucks!
231
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,569
[toaster bell dings]
232
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,004
- More matches, Mom?
233
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,973
- No, I created
a profile for your dad.
234
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,340
[giggles]
235
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,476
Later we'll laugh about how
we can never leave each other
236
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,211
because it's
really bad out there and--
237
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:15,749
Oh, my God,
Mike could get models.
238
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:20,420
They're, like, 20 years younger
with tattoos and piercings.
239
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,390
- Mom, Dad's not going anywhere.
You make him happy.
240
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,794
- Yeah.
I do make him happy...
241
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,897
though not lately.
242
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,632
Your dad and I are a little
out of sync
243
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,768
in the romance department.
244
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,336
- Oh, my God.
245
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,372
If you guys split up,
where do we live?
246
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,713
- But it's Dad,
vanilla Dad.
247
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:49,182
- You're right.
I'm his vanilla.
248
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,351
He's not interested
in young girls.
249
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,486
- I'm hot,
and I'm 21,
250
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,522
and I live
in your neighborhood.
251
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:59,159
- You don't live
in my neighborhood.
252
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,295
I would've remembered you.
253
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,798
- Ooh, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
254
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,434
[key clacking]
255
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:11,438
- No, no,
don't freeze.
256
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,874
Don't freeze
on that image!
257
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,910
[women chattering
indistinctly]
258
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,553
- What are you doing?
259
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:31,091
- Just putting
the computer to sleep...
260
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:35,162
like a parakeet.
261
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:40,901
.
262
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:42,970
- All right, fine.
263
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,841
I was watching porn
in the kitchen
264
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:51,144
in the middle
of the day.
265
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:55,182
Just one of the many cool,
badass, non-vanilla things
266
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,050
that I do.
267
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:04,024
- Oh, my God, that math
on the chalkboard's all wrong.
268
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:11,064
- That's probably why
the teacher's doing that to her.
269
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,800
- All right, girls,
upstairs.
270
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,438
Look, I can explain.
- I'm not mad about the porn.
271
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,673
I'm just surprised.
272
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:23,043
Those girls
are so young.
273
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,078
And all those piercings?
274
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,715
I didn't even know
you could pierce that.
275
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,484
Well, I guess
it would help you find it.
276
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,157
I didn't think
you liked this stuff.
277
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:41,161
- Maybe there are things
about me you don't know.
278
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,896
- What are you saying?
279
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,465
- I'm just saying, why stick
with boring old vanilla
280
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,268
when there is kiwi out there?
281
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,439
- Why are you
suddenly interested
282
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,108
in hipper, younger flavors?
283
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,309
- I don't know.
284
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,979
Maybe vanilla's getting
a little old for me.
285
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,015
- But it goes to the gym
all the time!
286
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,089
- So my mom wants
to get pierced
287
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,623
so she doesn't look so old
next to us
288
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,493
and my dad won't leave her
for someone younger.
289
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,295
Oh, my God,
coincidence.
290
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,865
Spike dumped
his old wife too.
291
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,366
- Why did you do that?
292
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,869
- Well, she was always
focused on the kids,
293
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,570
even after they grew up.
294
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,005
- Well, that sounds like
a good mother.
295
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,975
That can be
very attractive.
296
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,010
- Yeah, but not real hot.
297
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,544
- Pierce me.
298
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,251
[cell phone vibrating]
299
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,553
- "At the"...
300
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,463
"Gym."
301
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,170
- Bob and I have been discussing
your marital problems,
302
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,407
and we decided maybe
we sent you in a bad direction
303
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,742
regarding the porn thing.
304
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,914
- Great timing.
305
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,450
- Anyway, Bob wants
to tell you something,
306
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,419
but he feels uncomfortable
saying it.
307
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,955
- This is true.
308
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,390
- You got to stop worrying
about being vanilla.
309
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,927
So go out, find her,
do something bold,
310
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,394
and rock her world,
311
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:24,664
'cause the truth of it is,
you got a good marriage,
312
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,400
the kind of marriage
you should be proud of.
313
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,136
And you shouldn't make
the stupid mistakes
314
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,337
your old man made.
315
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,305
- There, I said it.
316
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:41,848
- You and me,
right here...
317
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,550
right now.
318
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:49,389
And I'm talking about sex,
if that was unclear.
319
00:14:58,966 --> 00:14:59,032
.
320
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,067
- That's the ToastUp guy
I picked for Shea.
321
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,004
Doesn't he look
like Hozier?
322
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,107
- Sure.
Why not?
323
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,976
- I've never dated somebody
who looked like
324
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,443
a celebrity before...
325
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:14,281
except for the one
who looked like Galileo.
326
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,749
But, ironically, for someone
who looked like Galileo,
327
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,619
he thought the Sun
revolved around him.
328
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,788
[laughing]
329
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:29,396
I need to be around people
who know that's funny.
330
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,498
- I'll get your drinks.
331
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:33,266
- I was hesitant about this
at first,
332
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,003
but now I'm really excited
about my date.
333
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,005
You know, it's good for me
to put myself out there,
334
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:40,173
take the risk,
dare to be hurt.
335
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,409
[scraping coming
from cell phone]
336
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,377
- Oh, my God,
that doesn't sound good.
337
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,712
What does that noise mean?
338
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:49,016
- Um, that's the toast
being scraped off.
339
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,917
It means
he's not coming.
340
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,253
- I got stood up?
341
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,022
I knew this
was gonna happen.
342
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,789
Why did I let you
talk me into this?
343
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,291
- I was just trying
to help you.
344
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,659
- It's not just this.
345
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,628
You're always pushing me
to do dumb stuff.
346
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,030
- This wasn't dumb, okay?
347
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,364
You took a shot.
It didn't work out.
348
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,365
Big deal.
349
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,134
There's no reason
to react this bad.
350
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,636
- Badly.
- Ugh.
351
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,372
Don't talk down to me.
You always do that.
352
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,041
That's why we never hung out
in high school.
353
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,443
- We didn't hang out
because you excluded me.
354
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,045
You didn't even invite me
to parties
355
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,912
when they were
in our own house.
356
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,948
- I didn't invite you
to those parties because I was--
357
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:23,850
- What? What, you were
too cool for me?
358
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,352
You were embarrassed by me?
- No.
359
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,719
I was just--
- Well, go ahead, say it.
360
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,921
Say how you really feel.
- I was jealous of you.
361
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,890
- See, I knew you were--
362
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,295
What?
363
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,565
You were jealous of me?
- Obviously.
364
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,801
I mean, you're basically
as pretty as I am.
365
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,836
[sighs]
But you're also so smart.
366
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,305
You think
I wouldn't like to know
367
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,541
what you're saying
when you talk?
368
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,910
- Well, I was jealous of you
369
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,745
and how much
attention you got,
370
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,282
how much Mom and Dad
worried about you.
371
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,949
Plus, you were always
having fun,
372
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,086
and you always had
a million guys.
373
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,821
- Well, I also had
my heart broken a million times.
374
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,557
- Wow. That's like
a one-to-one ratio.
375
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,293
[both laugh]
376
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,929
- See, I would love to know
what that means.
377
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,465
- You know,
maybe we should hang out more
378
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,568
now that we have no option
but to hang out more.
379
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,870
- Yeah, we totally should.
380
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,772
Hey, let's go home.
381
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,675
Mom and Dad are probably
missing us by now.
382
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:23,843
- Bye, girls.
- Bye, guys.
383
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,178
- Bye, girl.
384
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,114
Oh, my God, Bob,
that's him.
385
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:30,117
That's the guy
who burned my toast.
386
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,751
- Oh, yeah?
387
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,253
- Scotch and soda, please.
388
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:36,356
- Not in my bar, buddy.
389
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,625
That is one beautiful woman
right there.
390
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:42,195
How dare you
burn her toast?
391
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,131
Now get the hell out
and do not come back
392
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,566
until you want
to nail my wife.
393
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:53,206
- Wow.
This is a surprise--
394
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:58,845
an awesome surprise
that I am totally down with.
395
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:01,148
- You got something
on your nose.
396
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,283
- I got it pierced, see?
397
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,651
It's a little infected
right now,
398
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,954
so you can't see
the stud.
399
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,790
- That is...
400
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,759
hot?
401
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:17,964
- Hot and dirty--
just how you like it.
402
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,300
- Yeah, you married
a bad girl.
403
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,568
- Ooh.
404
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,703
Does this bad girl
want to do it on the desk?
405
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,838
- Yeah, baby, the desk,
406
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:29,676
'cause that couch
is so lame and comfortable.
407
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,612
- The desk is edgy.
It's got edges.
408
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,315
Let's revisit
the couch idea.
409
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:38,218
- The couch--still warm
from Jeremy's behind.
410
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,187
- All right.
411
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:42,855
Hey, not the couch,
how about the table?
412
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:46,793
- Ooh, yeah, the table--
the one we assembled ourselves
413
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,595
with all those
leftover pieces.
414
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:52,732
- Okay, not the table,
but we've got to decide soon
415
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,435
because my torn meniscus
is absolutely ki--
416
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,404
Oh, oh, God!
Oh, God.
417
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:01,308
- [laughing]
What are we doing?
418
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:04,677
- Well, I'm trying
not to be vanilla.
419
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,246
What are you doing?
420
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:09,516
- I'm trying to be
young and porny.
421
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,018
We are so
not these people.
422
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,020
What's going on with us?
- I don't know.
423
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,723
Ever since the girls came back,
things have changed.
424
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,024
- I know, but why?
425
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,859
It's not like
they're babies.
426
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,094
- Well, they make a mess.
They keep us awake.
427
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,230
They stress us out.
428
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,965
they're babies...
429
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,768
giant babies.
430
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,703
- You know what
the problem is?
431
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:34,541
It's like, first we were
girlfriend and boyfriend,
432
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,276
and that was sexy.
433
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:40,480
And then we got married,
and that was sexy.
434
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,016
And then we had kids.
- Not sexy.
435
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,718
- And then they left,
436
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,420
and we were girlfriend
and boyfriend again,
437
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,055
and that was
really sexy.
438
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:52,825
And then they came back,
and we're parents again.
439
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:54,160
- I want my girlfriend back.
440
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,365
- And I want to be
your girlfriend...
441
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:03,069
even if I'm not
in my 20s anymore.
442
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,538
- Sweetie, listen,
I had this dream one time,
443
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:10,109
and in this dream,
I was laying in bed next to you.
444
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,078
And then I woke up,
445
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:16,283
and there you were,
laying next to me.
446
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:20,887
Martina, I can't even dream
anything better than you.
447
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,758
- Oh, Mike.
448
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:26,859
[door opens]
449
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,862
- Mom, Dad.
- We're home!
450
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:34,801
- God, I hate them.
451
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:37,737
You two have gotten away
with this long enough.
452
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:41,408
- What?
- Being our daughters.
453
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,976
- That ends now.
454
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,145
- From now on,
we're not parents and kids.
455
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,881
We are adults roommates
living together.
456
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:50,850
You need to clean up,
shop for your own food,
457
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,218
put gas in the car.
458
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,086
- Do we have to pay rent?
459
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,723
- We're not delusional.
460
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:57,890
And now, adult roomies,
461
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,192
I'm gonna bang
this hot chick I'm dating.
462
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:03,596
You, upstairs.
- Yes, sir.
463
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,164
- You two,
get a room.
464
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:07,500
- We've got a room.
You get a house.
33296
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