Original subtitles

♪ ♪

T'LYN: Hmm. Will someone please explain

why we are mutilating gourds?

It's an ancient Earth tradition for a holiday called Halloween.

Jack-o'-lanterns were supposed to keep demons

from entering your home.

Huh. I thought they were just spooky and fun.

Is it sad that Tendi knows more of our history than we do?

Oh, yeah.

- Check it out. - BOIMLER: Oh, look at

- the little Cerritos. - Aw, that's so cute. - Commendable accuracy.

Hey, guys. Oh, nice, I didn't miss the pumpkin party.

- Whoa, what's with all the paint? - Away mission.

We were supposed to study a calcified forest on Malman 5,

- but then we got trapped in a painting. - What? No way.

Yeah, some local was using hologram tech to take pictures

of the landscape and accidentally sucked us in.

It turned into a whole, big epic escape.

I got to ride a rainbow.

Oh, man, I've always wanted to get stuck in a painting.

Anything happen while I was gone?

Nope. Same old, same old.

[short chuckle] Classic Cerritos.

You know, on other ships, it's the command crew

that gets into trouble, not, like, random lower deckers.

That's okay. I like our commanders.

I mean, so do I, but they're no Janeway,

Kirk or Sisko, you know?

Yeah, our guys mostly spend their time doing paperwork

instead of carving V'ger.

- TENDI: Oh. - BOIMLER: Whoa.

"The Creator must join with V'ger."

Boimler, let's, uh, let's go replicate some more snacks.

All right, remember to stay out of sight

or you're gonna get pulled into some boring bridge crew meeting.

We deserve a day off.

You know, it's kind of funny,

we're sort of the stars of the show around here.

The commanders seem to just fade into the background.

Yep, without us lower deckers, there'd be nothing to see.

- Oh, crap! - STEVENS: [chuckles] We've got another

full schedule on the old to-do list, Captain.

- I never get a day off, do I? - Not with me around.

Now, remember, I need a couple of hours for myself tonight.

Well, we better hurry, then. Your schedule's pretty full.

Never a dull moment when you're in command.

Nothing would ever happen around here

without the bridge crew.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Zerta pathogen has been contained to Deck Four.

Officer Barnes has almost recovered

from her transformation.

Oh, yes, the virus that caused her DNA to... what was it?

Evolve? Devolve?

Both. She was a futuristic cavewoman

who could read minds but was also afraid of open flame.

How did you get her to stop attacking people?

Eh, thought about a candle.

That reminds me, Dr. T'Ana, we've had some complaints

- about your pain management. - Who squealed?

Just, please, brush up on your anesthetics.

Security.

Mosaro, when the lake was smooth.

Starfleet Command reports increased chatter

from the Clickets.

Nothing that should affect us.

- The who? - They're the insectoid species

that hate being complimented.

Wonder what they're mad about now.

Maybe someone gave them a birthday present.

[laughing]

Just keep me updated. Mr. Shaxs?

[muffled]: Are you feeling okay?

- Mr. Shaxs, what-what is going on over there? - Uh...

[hissing]

- [gasps] - FREEMAN [clear]: Mr. Shaxs,

you're looking a little out of sorts.

Requesting a day off, uh, effective immediately.

- Okay. Granted. - [groans]

[panting]

We still can't figure out

what's got these buhgoon creatures all riled up.

Hopefully the Starfleet ecologist can sort it out.

Make sure he gets whatever he needs.

I don't want those things defecating all over the hull.

Engineering?

My team refreshed all the Cordry rocks

in the ceiling panels on the bridge.

Ugh, hate those things. They always fall out

and hit me on the head when we take damage.

Well, their non-centrosymmetry disrupts the charge leptons

in the isolinear pathways of the main deflector,

- which then causes... - I trust you have it in hand.

If there's nothing else...

Bring it in, everyone.

ALL: Strong and brave, wise and true,

- that's what makes us Cerritos crew! - Yeah.

What's up next?

Ensign Barnes' sousaphone recital.

She hasn't mastered the basics, but she's gotten very loud.

Didn't Barnes just evolve/devolve into a cavewoman?

Apparently, it didn't affect her sousaphone blowing.

Great.

RANSOM: First officer's log.

When a specialist visits the ship,

I like to make sure they feel like they have our full support.

Right this way, Professor.

My team's working on getting a space cow

for you to check out.

The buhgoon are a rare, endangered extremophile,

not cows.

I've never been able to study one up close before.

Well, they look like cows to me.

- MOXY: What's taking you guys so long? - [overlapping chatter]

- Come on. - Get in here, you friggin' thing.

It can't hear you, it's in space.

- [groans] - KARAVITUS: Okay, genius, you tell me how to get it in there.

What do you think I'm doing over here with the tractor beam?

RANSOM: While scientists can be high-maintenance,

it's usually getting our lower decks to work with each other

that can be the tricky part.

Lock it down, ensigns.

Maybe a little less arguing

and you'd have one of those buhgoon in here.

We're trying to get one, but Ensign Friendly

doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

Hey, you take that back! I'm not friendly!

- Do you hear yourself? - MOXY: Uh-oh, it worked too well.

We got an asteroid incoming. Look out!

Aah! [grunts]

[low growl]

Ha. Us Delta Shifters know how to take care of a problem.

Hey, you almost killed me.

Then why don't you almost complain about it?

[wails]

Ugh, what the heck?

A natural cloaking ability.

Ha, they use their hide to hide.

- [shouts] - Look out! - Somebody grab it.

What do you mean, grab it? It's the size of a shuttle.

- Don't you talk to me like that. - I never want to work

- with you again. - Aah! It rolled on my foot.

- CASTRO: What's wrong with you? - [whistles]

This reminds me of a story.

Back a few hundred stardates ago,

there was another commander who could bench 305.

Okay? Which meant I had to do something to impress her...

...Kimolu and Matt said I couldn't beat Big Wave Tommy

because he was king of the beach.

- [groans] - It took a lot of gnar shredding,

but once you get your water feet, you are locked in.

So, a week before the competition,

- I started eating a lot of junga fruit. - [groans]

SHAXS: Chief security officer, personal log.

The visions are happening again, more potent than ever before.

Aah!

I don't care how many times

you come back to haunt me.

I'll never let you win.

[laughs] You can't fight me,

because I am you, Papa Bear.

No. You're a freaky little monster that lives in my brain.

Oh, am I?

[gasps, shouts]

The Battle of Tempasa?

- [gasps] - [device beeping]

The Cardassians put a bomb in the artifact.

Everyone, get down! Aah!

[shouts, pants]

As time passes, I grow stronger,

while you get older and fade away.

I'll kill you! I'll...

[shouts]

To control you, I have to control myself.

That's stupid. Hit me!

[inhales]

[meditative humming]

Pathetic. Humming won't hurt me.

But I will!

BILLUPS: Chief engineer's log.

I had a bagel for breakfast,

and it gave me a tummy ache,

but I'm feeling better.

Anyway, uh, nothing engineering-wise to report.

Okay, bye.

Commander, are you busy?

Just monitoring plasma flow. What's up, Ensign?

I've got a nonfunctional indicator light

behind panel 785.

You mind if I go ahead and make the repair?

Well, sounds simple enough.

Uh, sir?

[gasps]

Oh, no.

Everyone, out of here now!

What is it?

Retrofitted plasma canisters.

Help me pull off the panels.

Careful, they're gonna be hot.

MEREDITH: Retrofitted?

BILLUPS: Sometimes I have to get

a little creative with repairs.

I guess I never bothered to replace 'em.

Are they dangerous?

They're chock-full of energized plasma.

We have to disable their power source

or an overload could cascade back to the warp core. Whoo!

- [laughs] - Are you sure you can't do this on your own?

You're the one who spotted the bulb.

It's a good learning experience.

[whimpers] Even if I die?

Everybody dies, but it's the engineers

who really get to live.

T'ANA: Chief medical officer's [bleep] log.

I should be focusing on my work,

but I got some constructive criticism in the staff briefing

that's got me in a [bleep] mood.

I refilled the hyposprays.

We're good to go next time some virus

makes everyone sing or whatever.

Shut up and leave me alone!

Ho-ho, someone woke up on the nasty side of the bed today.

Spare me your [bleep], Westlake.

Nobody else is going to put up with you, honey.

Apparently some of the crew don't like my pain management.

Uh, because you don't?

Manage pain, I mean.

Sick people come in, healthy people go out.

That should be enough.

You swore an oath to do no harm.

Someone's not happy,

they can point to the pain chart.

Just because you have a high pain tolerance

doesn't mean anyone else does.

Okay, yeah. I see what you're saying.

Good. I'll restock the anesth...

We have to update the pain chart.

[meows]

What are you doing?

You're gonna [bleep] me up

so I can feel some pain.

No, this is stupid.

It was your idea.

Now shut up and rearrange my guts.

[sighs]

Come on! Turn up the [bleep] [bleep]!

Oh, [bleep] yes!

[sousaphone playing]

[humming along with music]

Oh, just beautiful.

Hardly affected by your protruding brow.

[grunting]

ENSIGN: When my reproductive jelly started emulsifying,

my first thought was,

"I hope the captain attends my fertility event."

I honestly didn't even know you weren't human.

ENSIGN: I get that all the time.

[Stevens chuckles]

Ooh, here we go!

I've hit rock bottom.

My friends had all discovered

what I was doing on the holodeck.

They shunned me. I felt stuck out of phase,

like Geordi and Ro, wandering...

alone.

Stirring stuff, Mr. Bingston.

I wish I could stay...

Act Seven: the Oberth year.

The Manticore was known as one of the fleet's

- "fun" ships. - [snoring]

- But it's hard to have fun... - [sputters] I'm here! [laughs]

...when you go from being the star of the show

to a two-bit player...

♪ ♪

[buhgoon chitters]

[alien growls]

- [crew arguing, shouting] - RANSOM: First officer's log, supplemental.

What should have been a pretty straightforward

creature study has gone a little sideways.

We got two more incoming.

- Aah! Damn it. - Ransom roll! Aah!

- Watch out for the shuttles! - You let it go right past you!

- I can't grab what I can't see. - Me? You're dumber than Fletcher.

[panting] Great idea pulling a rock in here.

Now we can't keep 'em away.

What are you talking about, bro?

You had the same idea.

I can't get a scan if you don't calm them down.

What does it look like I'm doing?

RANSOM: Usually my expert guidance

cuts through any crew conflict, but, occasionally,

I have to resort to plan B.

[whistles]

Still can't get it together, huh?

Gather round, your commander is here

and I have a plan.

[grunts] On one hand,

you have these rowdy space cows.

Buhgoon.

And on the other, they're turning invisible

and knocking everyone over.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

How is this supposed to help?

You got to believe in the power of exercise.

Is he just working out?

Come on, let's try to corner one.

Physical fitness clears the mind.

Oh, yeah!

♪ ♪

Those tubes were connected to a half-assed coil relay.

I must have been distracted. Maybe my mom was visiting?

So, we got to turn that off, too?

Yeah, but I got it used from some Bynars,

so it activates an AI defense golem

to prevent tampering.

What's an AI defense golem?

Oh, it's an artificial construct that... Whoa!

- Aah! - Meredith, it's up to you!

What do I do?

[Billups shouts]

Force a reboot by holding down its power button

while telling a sad story

from your childhood that demonstrates human emotion.

Uh, one time, when I was a kid,

my dad took me to the beach and we saw a dead fish.

That's not sad enough!

Aw, for [bleep] sake,

I haven't been overwhelmed with pain yet.

We need to up the ante!

But this is used to slice atoms.

Yeah, mother[bleep], just

zap me with that mother[bleep] thing!

[cackles] That's the stuff!

[whoops, meows]

[both grunting]

You can snap my neck,

but what will you do against all your victims?

All the Cardassian warriors

getting their revenge.

They weren't warriors.

They were occupiers!

[grunting]

FEDEROV: That is literally the wrong way to do that.

KARAVITUS: Blah, blah, blah. Who do you think you are-- Picard?

[grunts, stammers]

[Ransom grunting]

Oh, yeah.

[Zurkel groaning]

Professor, is your research going as planned?

- [hisses] - Oh, your face fell off.

Do you need medical assistance?

Silence, fool! [grunts]

You're not from Starfleet.

That's right.

[roars]

You'll never take the Cerritos.

We don't want your puny ship,

- we want the buhgoon. - Why?

To harvest their cloaking organs

and maybe eat what's left,

depending on texture and flavor.

You're why they've been so agitated.

Aah!

- [grunts] - Your plan can't be

to take control on your own.

Of course not,

which is why my infiltrators

are targeting your senior officers!

[snoring]

He worked out so much he had to take a nap?

You are the worst commander I've ever had in my life.

- Wake up! - Oh!

[shuddering]

[meditative humming]

ZURKEL: You and your pathetic crew

are no match for my infiltrators.

Everyone ignores the Clickets,

but once we have the power to cloak our ships,

we'll spread all over the quadrant!

Clickets, Clickets. Why does that ring a bell?

Ring a bel... See?!

You don't even know us.

And we've faced off before.

- We have? - [hisses]

[shouts]

Ah. Thanks, Ensign.

Thank you for coming to my recital.

Aah!

Sorry, I thought I saw some fire.

On your feet, Stevens. We have invaders to repel.

[grunts softly]

But that's not on the schedule.

I'm sorry, sir.

I never should have messed with that light.

[coughs]

If you hadn't,

we wouldn't have found all that stuff to fix.

You got to let me get you out of there.

No.

You'd let all the coolant out.

It's okay.

This is how all engineers want to go.

At work, in a tube.

I can't let that happen.

- [yells] - What are you doing?

That axe is for emergencies only.

What's your definition of an emergency?

[grunts] We're in this together, sir.

Fine, then hurry. [grunts]

We have to decouple the deuterium conduits

before the thermal blankets push the valve blocks

into the adjustment coils.

And I'll deactivate the magnetic constrictors

while you cycle the reactor conduits.

FEDEROV: Sir, can we get

some guidance on the... Whoa!

- What the hell? - Die, Starfleet!

- Deltas, take the left. - On it.

[grunting]

- [cheering] - We did it!

Listen, us Beta shifters don't like you Delta shifters

for all sorts of reasons.

Right back at you.

But we can at least agree that Ransom's the worst.

- Totally. He sucks. - Big-time.

I think he likes that we don't get along.

It's like some weird power trip.

How about we put aside our differences

and work together to get these buhgoon under control

- just to spite him? - Yes.

- Oh, I'm in. - Let's do it.

- [snoring continues] - MOXY: Shh, shh.

[whispering]: Over here, over here.

- Shh. - FEDEROV: Get over here, big guy.

Damn it, we need to get to the bridge.

[hissing]

[growling]

[chuckles] I'm just glad you don't play the recorder.

[exclaims]

One more step and you'll feel pain

like you've never felt before.

[angry meowing]

[grunts]

That was set to kill.

So am I!

- [meowing viciously] - [Clicket groaning]

[meowing]

[groaning]

And scene.

[meditative humming]

[grunting]

Die, Starfleet!

[groaning]

[grunting]

[growls]

- Put me down. - [yells]

Welcome to the bear pack.

- [crunches] - [yells]

[Clicket chittering]

Oh. Oh, buddy, sorry about that.

My infiltrators have taken over every deck, Captain.

You have no power over my warriors.

The Clickets.

You're right, I don't.

I guess I have to compliment you on a successful invasion.

[gasps] What did you say?

You're amazing at subterfuge.

- [groaning] - Stop.

What's happening?

You see? This is why you pay attention

in the morning briefing.

Clickets can't stand being complimented.

[pained groan] Your kind words burn me.

It's not my fault your species evolved

a fight-or-flight response to being praised.

I'll kill you.

- You're handsome. - [groaning]

[over P.A.]: You've got amazing breath. I love your work.

I'm impressed with your whole vibe.

- [groans] - At the end of the day, you're a captain doing his best

to watch out for his crew, and I respect that.

Aah! Emergency transport. Everyone out of there now.

♪ ♪

[groans] What a bunch of weirdos.

There you go.

Go home, big guy.

[buhgoon snorts]

These things aren't so bad once they calm down.

You're not so bad yourself.

Sorry for being such a hard-ass earlier.

I guess nothing brings people together

like a mutual enemy.

I'm talking about Ransom, not the invaders.

- You guys want to hit the bar? - Uh, yes.

[doors whoosh open]

[chuckles] Works every time.

First officer's log.

As usual, my grasp of the lower-decker mind

has proven to... Oh, uh... [clears throat]

Carry on, Ensign.

I know you just pretend to be an idiot

to trick us into getting along.

- Are you gonna tell anyone? - No.

I think it's cute.

Plus everyone thinks you're a doofus.

Nobody would believe me.

'Cause I'm just that good at the job.

It was a scary, weird day,

but it really was a good learning experience.

Thanks, Andarithio.

Whoa, gonna stop you right there.

First names only when we're on the brink of death.

Yes, sir.

I'll get to dismantling that electronic face.

- Commander Billups, are you busy? - What's up, Cadet?

I found a burned-out indicator light above the door.

Could you help me with the repair?

Let's do this.

So, what's next on the schedule?

- Nothing, you're all good. - Come on, Stevens.

Those Clickets had to put us behind.

See? Look, there's a meeting in Holodeck Three.

But you said you needed some time off.

Yeah, it's my anniversary today.

I was gonna try to have a nice long call

- with Admiral Freeman. - You still should.

I know little meetings with the crew seem inconsequential,

but they're the most important part of being a captain.

The admiral will understand.

Zo?

- Carol? - Wha...?

What are the odds of seeing you here?

- How did you...? - Mm.

Mr. Stevens reached out a month ago,

said he made sure to put some time on your schedule

so I could surprise you with a romantic dinner.

Oh, honey.

I can't believe you came all the way out here from Earth.

Happy anniversary. How was your day?

Alien invaders, chaos in engineering,

Shaxs fighting demons, you know, just the usual.

Hmm. Glad to hear you had it easy.

Mr. Shaxs, you made a quick exit from the morning meeting.

Oh, just my usual fight with the astral projection

of my unresolved rage from the occupation.

Did you know therapy can armor you

with even more weapons for your metaphysical battles?

- When can we start?! - Ow!

[bleep], that chowder's hot.

Okay, fine, I get it. We can stock up on pain meds.

- That's a good kitty. - Ah, shut up.

[purrs]

Ah, bar sweet bar.

Uh, I think I just heard someone say they fended off invaders.

Did we miss something?

No way. Nothing ever happens if we're not involved.

[sousaphone blowing]

Perhaps our commanders are the leads of their own stories

when we are not observing them.

[scoffs] No way. We're the spice and glitter around here.

Is it that hard to believe they do interesting stuff, too?

Yes. That's my whole worldview. Stop trying to shake it.

I saw your dad in the hall.

Yeah, right. That's impossible.

I saw him, too. He was kissing your mom.

Stop making stuff up.

I saw Admiral Freeman and the captain

- getting trapped in a painting. - What? No way. Really?

T'LYN: No.

I have made a joke at your expense.

Boom.

[all laughing]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[man imitates weapons firing]

Chirp.