Original subtitles

On a cold December night, high above the earth, flies a big jolly man of

considerable girth, making his way to every home under the sun in his magical

sleigh, Air Force One.

I know you have questions for the president, but it's very late. He's

His brain is all over the place.

So unfortunately, he can't wait to talk to you.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, it's Steve.

Yes, hello.

It's your favorite president.

Hiding behind my curtain.

Ooh, peek behind the curtain. It's something I enjoyed doing at Miss Teen

1997.

Ready to talk. And, you know, this is exciting. Tonight I took both an Ambien

and an Adderall, so we're going to see which one wins. Just a few questions,

please. Please. Oh, how great is Caroline Levin? We love her. Oh, she's

beautiful face. And those lips that don't quit.

Pretty amazing that I could just openly simp over my young blonde subordinate.

It's giving Michigan football coach.

Can we get a close -up?

Let's get a close -up on her mouth. It's one of my top mouths.

I love that mouth.

People need to see this. Look at those lips. They go bop, bop, bop like a

machine gun.

Just spectacular.

I'm a married man. I'm obsessed with this woman.

She liked it because I'm very nice to women. Yes, you have a question, you

nasty, horrible witch.

It's Caitlin Collins, sir, and that's one of the nicer things that you've

me. Sir, at your rallies this week, you addressed the affordability crisis.

Are you admitting that it's a serious problem?

No, it's a made -up term, affordability. The economy is very strong.

Everyone's fine, from the billionaires all the way down to the poor, poor

millionaires who we're praying for every night.

which is a miracle because I inherited a mess of an economy from the awful

presidents that came before me, like Biden and Trump. This guy, this guy did

real number on this place. Now, can a man ask me a question, please? Yes,

kind of a man. I wonder what you got.

Okay. Mr. President, any comment on the oil tanker you seized off the coast of

Venezuela on Wednesday?

Yes, we're doing pirate now.

Arrgh!

You know, it's interesting.

Last week, I said Somalis were garbage, and now we're stealing the ships.

Ironic, isn't it? Alanis, she's great in dogma. But with regard to Tanker, you

know, I'm captain now. Remember that, Captain Phillips? I'm captain.

I love that line.

You know, Captain Phillips, one of my favorite captains after Crunch.

Oops, all berries.

Why do you say oops? I prefer it. I prefer when it's all Crunch berries.

Uh -oh, me thinks...

The Caribbean has pulled into the lead.

But don't worry, Adderall is still in the race.

Right. So you'll continue to carry out strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?

Yes. And, you know, we're not just targeting drug boats. We're targeting

suspected drug planes as well. In fact, we have some declassified video from a

strike. I can show you now. Do we have that clip?

Where's the clip?

Was that Santa?

Not anymore.

Next question.

Mr. President, do you have any comments on the potential sale of Warner Brothers

to Netflix or Paramount? I don't know why anyone wants Warner Brothers. They

one of the worst studio lot tours in L .A.

You go on that thing and it's just some kid pointing to a tree. Oh, that's the

tree from Pretty Little Liars. Who gives a crap?

We want to go to Luke's. I want to go to the Gilmore Girls Museum. Let's go

there. Or the Batman Museum.

Right. Yes.

But could you comment on the latest batch of Epstein photos released by

Democrats? Look, the fact is these photos are a fake news Democrat hoax,

Well... Even the picture of a bowl of condoms with your face on them and the

text saying, I'm huge?

They're 100 % legit. I love those files.

I'm in the files. I took a lot of great pictures. Okay. I like that bowl. Okay,

I think that's enough questions. The president really needs to rest. Oh, it's

true. I have to begin my pre -bedtime self -care ritual, putting a bandage on

hand and covering it with makeup, then adding more layers of bandage and

It's a medical lasagna. Mamma mia.

I'll be very worried about my health. I'm very ill.

Then I will brush my teeth before drifting off to grieve about Caroline's

Let's get one more shot of it.

Look at that mouth. You want to say the line?

I don't know. Say the line. I want to see those lips. Say the line.

It's Saturday night!

It's Saturday night live!

Where?

Michael Tay

Mikey

Day

Andrew

Dinkmute Chloe

Fineman

Marcelo Fernandez James

Constance Johnson

Colin

Schultz Paris Sherman

Keenan Thompson

Featuring Tommy Brennan, Jeremy

Colhane, Ben Marshall,

Ashby

Petia, Pam Patterson,

Veronica Zlorykowska,

And your host, Josh O 'Connor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Josh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.

I'm Josh O 'Connor.

Thank you.

And for those of you who know my face, but maybe can't quite place me, no, I am

not the mouse from Flushed Away.

Although I will say he is quite fetching.

I'm an actor who you might know from The Crown.

Yes, from Challengers and other...

Thank you. And other competitive homoerotic dramas.

Yes, I know I have a reputation for being what the internet calls a soft

embroider, I scrapbook, I garden.

I'm just your average, everyday 65 -year -old woman, and I'm just trying to live

a quiet life.

But you have to be very careful about what you say because the press will blow

everything completely out of proportion.

Like one time, I said that one of my favorite movies is Ratatouille, which is

true. It's a great film.

But I suppose fans started pitching me as Chef Linguini for a live -action

Ratatouille remake.

And I'm not very online, so I didn't know that this was a thing until the

president of Disney Pixar publicly declared that they will never...

be a live -action Ratatouille remake, no matter how much Josh O 'Connor wants

it.

Do you know how it feels to be publicly rejected from a job I didn't even want?

Now, for the record, I don't even want a live -action Ratatouille. I don't have

the time for it. I'm already in the new Knives Out film, which, now

that I'm saying it out loud, sounds like the perfect name for the live -action

Ratatouille.

But that's neither here nor there. I'm at FNL, and I'm so honored. The cast,

crew, and sorry, sorry, for what it's worth, I would kill as Linguini.

Can we actually see a picture of him?

His ears, his ears are huge, and Ratatouille is basically a queer love

But I agree.

I agree. Let's not do it.

Anyway, being here at FNL during Christmas time is magical and joyous.

And guys, you can't make Ratatouille unless you have the perfect cast.

There's just no point.

I mean, who would play the food critic Anton Ego?

Perhaps Jeff Goldblum?

No, no, no, no. I mean, yes, but later.

We've got a great show for you tonight. Lily Allen is here.

Now, the game where singles mingle. It's Let's Find Love.

Hello, hello, and welcome to Let's Find Love. I'm your host, Garth Vader.

I don't know why that always gets a laugh. It's just my name.

But today, one lucky man will get his pick between three beautiful ladies in

search for love. Let's meet our prince charming, Daniel Schlesser.

Hi, I'm Daniel. I'm 35 years old, and I've been told I'm cute.

I don't know.

Oh, you know.

Now, before we meet our lovely ladies, we would just like to say we have

addressed the age discrimination problem here at the show. So we have officially

raised the age cap of our contestants from 38 to as old as we can find.

Wait, what?

I'm Giselle. I'm 36.

I'm a swim instructor, and I'm looking to cannonball right into your heart.

Hi, I'm Tricia. I'm 35.

I work in accounting, but the only number I'm interested in is infinity

you.

What's going down? I'm Mingham Crescent. I'm 84 years old, and I'm looking for

someone to keep me cracking and smacking until my time here on Earth is up.

Fantastic. All right, let's get started with our first... Looking for someone to

keep me going, get my bones right, keep my bones right, make sure I'm taking my

meds right, getting my meals right, getting my proteins right, getting my

right, getting my pills right, make sure I'm getting my salmons right, getting

my juice right, getting my stuff right.

Oh, my God.

I'm just getting settled.

Okay.

All right. Yep. There she goes. She's going to back it in. Great.

Yeah, yeah. All right. I think she sees it.

Wonderful.

I'm here.

Okay. Well, these are some beautiful ladies, Dan.

Let's start off with your first question.

Okay.

Contestant number one, we're bound to get under each other's skin, but what is

your biggest pet peeve?

Ooh.

is when people are being mean to others.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I love nice girls.

No, you don't.

No, no, no. We're all going to wait our turn.

Okay, contestant number two.

Um, when people chew gum with their mouth wide open.

Oh, totally.

I absolutely hate that.

I'm not allowed to have gum anymore.

That's what they said.

That's what they said.

Can that count as her answer?

Uh, no.

Okay.

Contestant number three.

Biggest pet peeve is when there's no cake at a wedding.

Doesn't make any sense!

Makes me want to hurl myself over a bridge, no cake at a wedding. There

always be hot, moist cake at a wedding. Or why should I go?

Why should I go?

Am I supposed to answer?

I don't think so.

Okay, next question. Contestant number one. If we were to leave together, where

do you see our future in a year from now?

Ooh, hopefully somewhere tropical together.

Laughing under the stars.

A sense of humor.

That's so important. I love that.

I got a joke. My sister's a bitch.

Okay, let's move on. Contestant number two.

I'd like us to be in the suburbs with one child and a couple little ones on

way. Well, medically impossible, but a really nice idea.

And contestant number three.

I know exactly where I'll be in one year from now.

Front row opening night of Toy Story 5.

The toys are back.

And they're wiser than they were before.

Woody and the gang have to battle an iPad.

And Pixar's got a lot of pressure.

They've got to get the story right, get the buzz right. They've got to get Andy

right, get the toys right. Or else why should I go?

Why should I go?

All right.

Looks like it's that time to pick your one true love, Daniel.

Oh, finally time to pick. Let's go.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, man. Let me see my options.

You don't pick.

Whoa.

Smoking.

Well, that's very flattering, but I think I'm going to have to go with

else. Not you, pretty boy.

Him.

Me? Oh, yeah.

Oh, snap. I never get picked. Yeah.

Because that's not how the game works. Yeah, bye -bye -bye -boo. I'm in charge.

Come on, man. I'm on the back. Let's get our bodies right. Let's go get our

families right. Let's go get our juice right. Let's go get everything right.

Let's go get our meals right.

Let's go get our presents right. Let's go get our vitamins right.

It's the end of the year, and you know what that means.

Honey. Spotify rap just dropped.

Oh, my God. I love when they do this.

It's a way of looking back at who you were in 2025.

Steely Dan.

Yeah, that tracks.

With shareable stats showing how you compare to people around the world.

I'm in Sabrina Carpenter's top 1%. That's so neat.

Well, now there's another way to look back at who you truly were this year.

Introducing Uber Eats Rap.

Oh, no.

No, thank you. He studied your patterns and crunched the numbers.

Oh, no, I understood what it was. I just don't like that, and I don't want that.

Well, we did it anyway.

Now you can find out which restaurants you couldn't live without.

Taco Bell, Five Guys, Burger King, Chipotle.

Guess that explains why the plumber's always here. He's not always here.

Toilet's all clear, killer.

Oh, thanks, man.

No, I got you, boo. No problem.

And learn what food items had you in a chokehold. Because I'm in the top 1 % of

nuggets. What does that even mean? Take a wild guess, David. What? That I eat

more nuggets than 99 % of the world? That can't be true. You're eating

right now.

And based on your order history, our math wizards have determined your Uber

age. My top food was churros, and my Uber Eats age is dead. Better than mine.

52 and fat.

I don't know why they're that fast.

I do. What woman in the world would like what you just did?

Are we not the only ones serving this year? Check out all the looks you wore

greet your Uber drivers.

Who would I even share these with?

And we calculated exactly how much money you spent on Uber Eats this year.

$24 ,000.

Give me one second.

And check out personalized messages from the restaurants that kept you fed.

Thank you so much, Melissa.

Because of you, we are the number one Wendy's in the country.

Oh, my God.

A phone just hit me.

It's Uber Eats wrapped.

You have to tell people you're going to do this.

Are you out of your mind?

All right, Mr. Coleman, thank you for your patience.

The doctor will see you now.

Hello, patient.

Apologies for the delay. I was delayed.

Oh, um, hi. I have with me the results of your blood work.

Oh, okay. Is everything okay?

To tell you is my greatest wish.

But this is a teaching hospital, so my intern who did your blood work will be

giving you the results.

Oh, okay. That's fine.

Very good.

Intern?

Hello.

What should I tell him? If it is his, say no.

No. Now please give the patient his results.

Okay.

Your blood is good.

Okay, that's a relief.

Excellent job, intern. But are you sure the blood is good?

No. Then do not say it's good. And that is the lesson for today.

Goodbye.

You didn't even give me my results.

Good catch. That was a test.

Or perhaps a quiz.

No, quiz no. Now I'm hungry.

What? Look, I just want to know if my blood is okay.

Doctor, you're at four o 'clock. It's here? No, it's dead. Exactly how I left

it.

What?

Are you serious?

I am. And don't call me serious.

My name is Shirley.

Okay, Doctor, please. How did you know my last name?

Your name is Dr.

Please? Yeah.

He's Dr.

Please, and I'm Shirley Please.

Are you two related?

I hope not.

Oh, my God. Look, can I please just get my test results?

I got a date tonight, and I need to know if I have to, como se dice, disclose

anything.

Of course. The patient is always right.

I think the saying is the customer is always right.

Well, in a way, the patient is the customer of a doctor.

And a horse is the car for a cowboy.

That's a joke.

Oh, how I love jokes.

There's just something about them that makes me laugh.

You're not laughing. But I'm smiling. And what is a smile but a laugh that

hasn't been born yet?

Start here at five o 'clock. Is dead?

No, it's ugly. Then kill him. I'll try.

Now, Shirley, give the patient his results in plain English, please.

Your blood is right, good mate. It's proper fit, isn't it? But your sodium

level's a bullet.

So we're prescribing you all that and a bag of chips.

What is that?

It's a VHS of classic episodes of all that.

Inside a bag of capes, cods, kettles, cooks, crinkles, cups, crisps.

They pair perfectly with lollitops.

What are lollitops?

They're lollipops, but just the head.

For when you want to suck on something but not hold it.

Doctor, your car.

Was towed? No, it was found at the scene of a crime. Exactly where I left it.

Look, please just tell me my results now.

Fine. Be for yourself.

This is your blood work.

Who says you two are related?

Well, guess we'll have to stop doing this.

Next week, Ariana Grande with musical

guests.

my cozy little bachelorette weekend, ladies. I know it's lame, but I just

to do something chill with my girlies.

Well, hopefully not too chill, because what's a bachelorette weekend without

strippers? Oh, what?

No, I told you guys it's not that kind of weekend. Strippers really aren't my

thing. Okay, don't worry.

I got you a different kind of stripper.

Strippers that are more your type. Okay, ladies, meet...

Augie and Remington!

Hi.

Do we have consent to enter your home?

Sure.

Um, hi.

You are enough.

Oh, my God!

Before we get started, um, Mind if I finish my book?

It's written by this brilliant woman of color.

Um, Margaret, where did you find these guys?

On a Sally Rooney message board.

They're the most sensitive male strippers in all the Catskills.

Okay, I hate to be the group horn dog, but are they not going to strip?

Oh, they strip, boys.

I think it's really working for her.

You know, I think the president should be Cynthia Erivo.

God, you're perfect.

Hey, I've never seen her like this.

I'm still not turned on, y 'all. These guys look like frog and toad.

When are they going to drop Trow and show that Ticonderoga pork pencil?

Ew, Beth!

Doll! I'm just saying, I want to see some skin.

Ask and you shall receive.

wants them to throw ass in a cop outfit.

Throw ass!

Throw ass!

Wait, look. Now they're dancing.

Hey, you.

Seems like they're just vibing with each other.

What if we... We shouldn't.

Unless... We can't.

Are they having a will -they -won't -they?

That's actually their specialty.

Hit it, guys.

Of course.

Whoa.

Was not expecting the double jeans.

Come here, lady.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

You have to forgive yourself.

Oh.

What the hell is this?

We don't want any problems, sir.

Oh, yeah? Well, I do.

Get over here, Fleet Foxen. Let's go.

gentlemen, Lily Allen!

You won't love me You won't leave me

You don't touch me

Still don't

Of course I'm hurt, looking back it's so absurd Of course I trusted you and took

you at your word Who said romance isn't dead? Been no romance since we wed

Why aren't we... That's what you said, but you...

I'm done.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank

you.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

This week, President Trump led a rally celebrating his handling of the economy,

which for some reason he held at a casino in the Poconos.

It's just kind of weird to say the future is brighter than ever. Isn't that

right, woman on oxygen playing the nickel slot?

Trump's speech was supposed to focus on the affordability crisis, but he drifted

off topic just a little bit.

They don't use the word cheapest death anymore because of the Indians. Can you

imagine if Donald Trump married his sister?

Do we love minors? I love minors. What? Don't forget.

Eggs.

I love that the president lost his train of thought and someone in the crowd had

to remind him his train of thought was eggs.

Sorry, eggs!

As you can see from the sign behind him, the theme of the rally was lower

prices, bigger paychecks, which was much better than his original economic

message, not my fault, sell your blood.

This week, President Trump claimed that affordability is a new word made up by

Democrats to hurt him.

But if Democrats really wanted to make up a word specifically to hurt Trump, it

would probably be fat mincha.

President Trump also complained about immigrants from countries like Haiti and

asked, why can't we have some people from Norway instead?

Or how about someone who's Norwegian and Haitian, like Times Square Elsa?

The Department of Homeland Security posted an image of immigration officers

Santa hats with a caption, You're going ho -ho -home.

Even worse, Santa retweeted it.

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem testified before Congress where protesters

her by shouting the line, The power of Christ compels you from the exorcist.

Noam mostly ignored them, but did take one quick look back.

Last week, President Trump hosted multiple events at the Kennedy Center,

including an awards ceremony for Sylvester Stallone, Gloria Gaynor, and

band KISS, as well as a musical performance by the Village People, which

the question, is Donald Trump a gay man from 1978?

President Trump said that Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro's days are

numbered, as opposed to Trump, whose days are lettered.

Trump also said that the proposed merger between Netflix and Warner Brothers

Discovery could be a problem, adding, bribe!

In response, Netflix is offering Trump one night with the Demon Hunters.

The Archdiocese of New York announced that it will set up a $300 million fund

for victims of sex abuse. The church encourages victims to claim the money by

sticking their hand in this here hole.

Okay, okay.

Health officials are reporting a surge in winter vomiting disease, which is

better known as SantaCon.

I know this crowd's been there. The holidays are right around the corner.

of us will be traveling home to see our families. Here to comment is our very

own Marcelo Hernandez.

Hello.

Hello, everyone.

How are you both?

I'm great. I'm great. Are you excited for Christmas, Marcelo? Yes. I love

Christmas, man. I can't wait to see the family. I can't wait to meet the new

boyfriends. Christmas is the time when someone brings a new boyfriend and he

spends the whole night pretending to be someone he's not.

The guy's like, I love the food, Mrs. Hernandez.

It's delicious.

You don't like the food, Kyle. You like having sex with my cousin.

And in my family, there's always an uncle who's big on giving unsolicited

advice, you know? He's like, hey, you, come here.

Next time you go to the nipple, bite it a little bit.

And you're like, I'm 11, man.

a little.

That was me when I was 11.

So what kind of kid were you?

The bad kind, Colin.

I used to behave so bad that Santa Claus used to call me in the summer.

My mom hands me the phone and St. Nicholas himself is like, hey Marcelo,

ho, it's me, Santa Claus.

If you don't behave, I'm going to skip your house.

And I'd be like, I'm sorry, Santa. I'll behave.

And he'd be like, Me and my dog, Rudolph, love you very much.

That's actually sweet.

Yeah. A lot of people used to call me, Colin.

Spider -Man used to call me. Spider -Man. Yes. And he'd be like, Hey,

it's me, your neighborhood friend, Spider -Man.

And I'm calling you because your mother telling me that you are climbing on the

walls. You cannot do that. but only I can do that because I was beaten by a

radioactive spider.

Así que póntate bien. Me and my brother Superman love you very much.

I'm not sure that was actually Superman.

You know, I actually still get a lot of these calls. Listen to this voicemail

that Lorne left me. Whoa.

Hey, Marcelo, it's me, your boss, Lorne Michaels.

Me estoy llamando porque tu mamá me está diciendo que tú no estás pasando mucho

tiempo con ella. Me and my brother. Give me follow.

Love you very much.

His brother?

All right, well, let's go back to the holidays, okay? I'm assuming you have,

like, a big Latin Christmas.

Don't do that, Colin.

But, yes, I do.

We eat pork, we dance, and at the end of the night, my Cuban mom is like, you

know what I want for Christmas? A grandchild.

But you won't give it to me because you hate me.

Oh, my God.

Are there any Christmas movies that you guys watch? Yes. We used to always watch

Home Alone.

And as a Latino kid, that movie was unbelievable.

Because this kid misses the plane, destroys the house, and ruins the

And somehow, this movie doesn't end in a historic ass beating.

In the first scene, the mom is like, go to your room, Kevin.

And he goes, shut up, mom.

And I'm like, if that was me, that's where the movie ends.

Roll the credits in memory of Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcelo Hernandez, everyone. Marcelo Hernandez.

It's Spider -Man. I like that.

According to a new report, people in Long Island spend more money on OnlyFans

than some entire Eastern European nation.

Because Eastern Europeans are too busy working on OnlyFans.

The Golden Globe nominations were announced with the most nominations

the movie One Battle After Another. Andy, very exciting. And the least

nominations going to Michael Chase. Hold up. Madea got a daughter?

A video has gone viral of a runaway horse in New York City galloping down a

highway near JFK Airport.

And good news, he made his flight.

I thought you'd like that more.

A photo has gone viral of a group of eight students from San Jose forming a

human swastika while laying on their high school's football field. Even

it was the result of a skydiving accident.

I knew you wouldn't like that one.

Police in Florida arrested two men and a woman. Good luck guessing which is

which.

After they were discovered having drunken sex in a Winn -Dixie parking

trio was immediately transported to a Waffle House parking lot.

A new bill has been proposed in Congress that would require fathers to pay 50 %

of medical expenses for a woman's pregnancy and delivery.

Fine, but then I'm out.

Pantone announced that their color of the year is cloud dancer, which they

a billowy, balanced white imbued with a feeling of serenity, a description they

stole from my old Bumble profile.

Well, there are many theories about how society as we know it could end. Here

with a stern warning about the future is our own Jane Wickline.

Hello.

Thanks for having me. Hi, Jane.

So we don't have much time left as a species, so I'm just going to get right

into my song.

Oh, well, if we don't have that much time, maybe we shouldn't do a whole

This is called The Greatest Threat to Humanity Right Now. Great.

We're programming monsters. We will lose control of soon.

They're taking every job and singularities approaching.

When they get smarter than us, will they be our doom?

I think we all know the topic I am broaching.

We don't have much time left to stop them. We must kill them while they're

weak.

The child actors from Stranger Things.

What?

Stranger Things.

I really thought you were talking about AI.

AI is just a distraction.

The real threat here is Sadie's thing.

And her child co -stars on Stranger Things.

Stranger Things is ending.

They'll have so much free time.

What if they grow self -aware? We need to keep them occupied. They could

mobilize their followers.

60 million followers. We need to keep them occupied.

I just don't understand what you think the danger is.

The stranger thinks kids use a cubic mile of water every minute.

If there's a hell gate and Maserato belongs in it. Oh, my God.

They're slashing the environment and killing the economy.

is the devil to me.

He's the devil?

The six of them are in the room right now, preparing to seize the next

And for these reasons, I stand with Vecna.

Vecna? Jay, these kids are harmless. All they do is, like, go on hot ones.

Colin, things that start funny can get important.

Joe Rogan used to make people eat bugs, and now he's the president of the United

States.

Everyone's focused on stranger things And they're ignoring the stranger thing

the strangers on the internet Thinking those six strange kids aren't a danger

But they are the danger

strange from the truth, but I have a plan. I'll tie some cheese to a string,

a stick under a box, pick another cat's stick. Strange kids, I'll be a hero. I

will win an award.

You stop the apocalypse.

President Chatbot will beam at me. I shall scramble the brains of the six

strange kids and make them join the cast of Allspan.

Jane Wickline, everybody.

We cannot get out of this.

I'm on the train.

Good night.

To

celebrate

the success of Wicked for Good.

Universal Pictures is releasing this special deleted footage from a movie

started it all. 1939, The Wizard of Oz.

We're here.

I'm scared, Dorothy.

I am Oz, the great and powerful.

Who are you?

and white, and we come to ask... Shut the hell up, girl!

The great and powerful Oz knows exactly why you've come.

Step forward, king man.

You dare to ask me for a heart?

Um, yes, sir. You see, if I could love... Shut your trap, you hunk of

And you, scarecrow, You dare to ask me for a braid?

Yes, your honor. Please.

You stupid dumbass.

And you, is that lion I see?

Oh, no.

Dorothy, hide me.

I bet I already know what you want.

Well, you don't have to say it out loud.

Oh, it's okay, lion.

This pathetic bag of fur came all...

just to ask me for a big old thing.

A big old thing?

Oh, Mr. Oz, you got that all wrong.

Yeah.

My friend Lion is only looking for some courage.

Courage? Is that what he told you? Yeah, right.

This psycho is looking for, and I quote,

A big old thing long enough to see from space.

What's he talking about, Wyatt?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe he's messing me up with somebody.

I got all his letters right here.

He's been writing me for months. This one says, Dear Mr. Oz, It's your boy,

Lion, again.

And I really think you should bless me with a big old thing that I can drag

across the stand and spell my name.

Jesus, man.

Or this one.

Hey, Oz, it's me, a sick little girl.

And my last dying wish is for my friend Lion to have a thing so big Munchkin can

use it for a pull -up bar.

Sincerely, Lion.

What does that even mean?

Oh, my God!

We should ask for that!

condition. It's called half the smallest thing in Oz.

How small could it be?

Well, I'm standing here butt naked this whole time and nobody's freaked out

once. You ain't even got to blur it or nothing.

Wow, I guess we hadn't noticed.

Exactly. You see, I need this Mr. Oz so that I can finally walk back to my

jungle with my head held high and my big old thing swinging like a church bell.

Why wouldn't you just tell us that that's what you really want? Because I'm

coward, duh.

I didn't know he was going to say it all loud in front of everybody.

Oh, please. You've been here like eight times, man.

I'm asking for the same thing. You know how this goes.

You've been here eight times?

Silence! Enough!

No need to argue.

The Beneficent Oz has every intention of granting all of you your request.

For real? Really?

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, but first, all you have

do... Permission to change minds, sir?

What?

Permission to change my wish from brains to a big old thing, too, sir?

I may not be very smart, but I know I want a big old broomstick that can fit

three witches.

But, Scarecrow, wouldn't you rather have a brain so you could read books and

count numbers?

No.

Look at me.

No!

I'd like to change mine, too, sir.

But Tin Man, what about your heart?

Well, of course, I still need a heart so I can pump enough blood to that new big

ol' Wimba and Yamalae, right, sir?

Find the three big ol' things it is.

And that's for you, darling.

Tell me the dog wants a big ol' thang too.

But seriously, I need you all to murder a lady for me.

Okay, great, great, great.

Thanks

for

coming to get a Christmas tree with me, bud.

You're welcome.

Hey, what's wrong, kiddo?

I wish I got to see you on Christmas.

I know, buddy, but it's your mom's year.

And hey, I'll see you the week after.

And you know the best thing about Christmas, kiddo, it's about... Hey,

piece of... I'll kill you. I got a kid in the car.

I spilled my prime.

All right, bud, let's find a tree.

Grab your jacket, Brad. It's cold.

I'm fine. I'm not cold.

Dad, I'm cold.

Yeah, you're good, bud.

Oh, yeah, this is primo fine right here. Yep, this is the one.

Hey, Brad.

You want to do the honors?

Really? Yeah.

I can't.

How's it going down there?

I can't get it. Yeah, try to keep it in one, try to make one cut.

Because of the sap, it's aching. It's hard to hold this off.

You know what, buddy? Why don't I tag in here?

Who's that, bud?

That's Emily, the prettiest girl in my class.

Okay. Should I go riz her up?

Yeah, bud. Do your thing.

Go riz her down, too.

Hey, Emily.

Hi, Brad.

Look, it's fine.

Six, seven.

Love six, seven.

Okay, bye.

Hey, Dad.

I'm back.

Oh!

Buddy, are you okay?

I'm fine.

All right, mission accomplished.

Ooh, Brad, look.

There's your girl. Here, I'll honk. You wait.

Don't, Dad. You'll embarrass me.

Oh, come on.

Hey, Merry Christmas!

Oh, fantastic!

Guess what?

Oh, all right. Let's turn the volume down a little bit. Dad had a couple

at Sharky's last night. Oh, sorry. Aunt Shannon has diarrhea, so we're not going

there anymore, and Mom said that I could come to your house today.

Really? Well, that's a Christmas miracle.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, son.

Sorry.

You got to go.

My kid's coming over.

Oh, my God. Do you have a kid?

This final is going to be brutal.

Professor Hamner is notorious.

Do we want to share our notes?

You guys can. I didn't take any, because I knew it already.

Simon, dude, you are unreal.

I can't believe you're in college and you're only 12.

It's chill. I'm just like you guys. Work hard, play hard.

No, you're way smarter.

Yeah, you could basically be our professor.

Probably will be soon.

If I stay in academia.

That is so badass.

Oh, sorry.

Is it okay if we swear in front of you? Of course you effing can.

I've heard it all. Anyway, I'm here if you guys have questions.

Sorry, not if. When?

Hey, hon. Hope your study group's going okay. I brought your lunch. Heather!

Get out of here, Heather!

Paper strawberry.

Leave it.

Okay. Thank you.

So, where are we going for spring break?

Simon, are you okay?

Yeah, defo. If we do Miami, we can get there by train.

Um, was that your mom?

What? No.

That'd be weird.

I'm just like you guys. I live in the dorm. I have a roommate.

I shower in my shoes.

My balls are happening.

Oh, um, who's your roommate?

random older women they paired me with.

Is it your mom?

I don't think so.

Hey, Simon, honey, you forgot your jacket for later.

Heather, no, Heather!

Oh, come on. I mean, it's cold outside.

We're indoors, Heather. Take a forecast, Heather.

And say, Heather, leave it. Okay. Thank you.

And you're sure that's not your mom?

Nope. It's just a girl I'm dating.

Okay. But I might end it, because I want to be single for Miami.

Speaking of, what's the tea? Who's hooking up with who?

I don't know if we feel comfortable talking about that. It's cool. I've done

all. I know how it works.

One time, this old Ukrainian lady was teaching me Rachmaninoff on the violin,

and I could feel her big old breast against my back.

That's awesome, man.

Anyway, if you guys need my help, I need an awesome study guide that...

Oh, shoot, I think I left it back in my dorm.

Hey, Simon, I actually have your study guide here. Heather, you can't just do

that! How dare you anticipate my needs and the needs of others, Heather!

You have done yourself, Heather!

Thank you! You're welcome, you really saved the day!

Will you please call me mom? No, Heather, you're my peer, Heather!

Fine! I'm trying to hook up with this girl, Heather!

I can tell she's down, Heather!

She's attainable, she's not too pretty, Heather!

I can see that, Simon!

But you can't date adults!

yank you right out. Don't! But I can!

Where will I go, Heather? On the street?

No! I can't end up like that, folding shirts at a Navy like Dad.

I know!

Okay!

Sorry about that.

By the way, she's definitely not coming to Miami.

We're not going to Miami.

It's okay, Simon. That's obviously your mom. You don't have to be embarrassed.

Yeah, we all know what moms are like.

Yours does seem pretty overbearing. What?

I actually have two gay moms.

What? How would that work? Two others?

You must be so loved.

Look, Simon, I totally get it. You wouldn't know because she kept her

name, but Professor Hamner is actually my mom.

We're good now, but it took a little while to get used to.

Lily Allen!

Lily

Allen!

Is it just sex or is there emotion?

He told me it was staying in hotel rooms, never be out in the open Why

trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

Oh, why would I trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

We had an arrangement Be discreet and don't be blatant

And there had to be payment It had to be

with strangers

But you're not a stranger, Madeline.

Hey, he is telling you the truth. Our relationship has only ever been about

I can promise you that this is not an emotional connection.

We don't speak outside of the time we spend together.

And whenever he talks about you, it's with the utmost respect.

You tell me he's telling the truth. Is that the case or a lie that he fed you?

Wanna believe you, but is it a ruse? Lie to me, babe, and I'll end you. I can't

trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

I'm not convinced that he didn't in our house.

Do you two ever talk about me? Has he told you that he doesn't love me? I bet

tells you, tells you he loves you. I've got an old, got an ugly. I wouldn't

trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

No, why would he trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

We had an arrangement.

Be discreet and don't be blatant.

I'm dead.

to be payment it had to be with strangers

so much pain right now.

I really don't want to be the cause of any upset.

He told me that you were aware this was going on and that he had your full

consent. If he's lying about that, then please let me know because I have my own

feelings about dishonesty.

Lies are not something I want to get caught up in.

You can reach out to me anytime, by the way, if you need more details or even if

you just need to vent or anything.

Love and light, Madeline.

Variety's Actors on Actors and Directors on Directors series have been a runaway

success, with Hollywood's biggest stars having intimate, one -on -one

conversations on their craft.

And this holiday season, get ready to listen to your favorite icons of

out -compliment each other in Characters on Characters, with incredible pairing,

like Rudolph and the Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Wow, Rudolph.

It is such an honor to be sitting across from you. Are you kidding me? I'm such

a huge fan of your song. It's such an honest portrayal of how many days there

are of Christmas.

Wow. That's... Wow.

That's... Wow. That's awesome. Thank you, man.

So I wanted to start by asking, what was your train like before you started

flying with this leg?

Can I confess?

I actually don't have any formal training. No!

It's true. That's incredible.

And really, I'm just a part of an ensemble, which...

I know you understand.

Yeah, well, you know, when we did 12 Days, it was all the turtledoves and the

maids of Milken.

When you work on a song like that, it's just... Like your chosen family. I'm

going to beat your chosen family!

Watch as your holiday favorites, like Scrooge and the Grinch, talk about

in a way that makes you go... I mean, to get to say the

words of Dr.

Seuss. I mean...

What a privilege, you know. Of course. And how was it working with Max?

Oh, Max, the dog? Amazing.

Yeah, he's a genius. He's a genius.

Yeah, we shot on location in Whoville, and the people could not have been more

welcoming. I mean, what is going on with them politically right now?

Oh, it's unthinkable. And my 3X heart goes out to them.

So tell me about Bah Humbug. Was that improv?

I'd love to say that it was, but that was all Charlie.

Charlie. Oh, Dickens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever worked with him? Oh, no,

no. I'm dying to, but not yet. Yeah, no, no.

And don't miss the touching conversation between two former child stars.

It's good to meet you, Tiny Tim.

It's just Tim now, but...

It's an honor to meet you, little drummer boy.

Oh, well, now I go by Drum Daddy.

Right, right. And I hate to ask this, but could you do the thing?

Oh, which thing is that?

Come on, man. Don't act like there's multiple things.

Pow -rum -pa -pum -pum. Yes!

Let's go! It's my childhood, dude. Pow -rum -pa -pum -pum. I love you, man.

I love you, too. And literally the only two women in all of Christmas.

Mrs. Claus, and the grandma from Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

Um, I'm sorry, I think she might be dead.

Ah!

Where am I?

Who are you people?

Varieties, characters on characters.

Just let these autoplay on your computer so that a bunch of nice people can

still get to work at a magazine.

Happy holidays!

I can't think I'll have brunch.

Seriously, I love when it's just us. No husbands, no kids, no ferrets. No

offense, Beth.

Peepers passed, actually.

Oh, God, where's their thorn?

No, no, no, he passed on coming here. He had a big week.

Well, spend Peepers our love.

Wait, have you guys heard Lily Allen's new album?

I love it.

What's that? Oh, my gosh, her songwriting is genius.

Like, her lyrics are... So specific.

Agreed. Okay, but wait. Someone has to take the last piece of the spot bread.

I think that's mine.

Oh. Sorry.

Caroline, do you want it? No. No, go for it. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, of course. Oh.

Thank you.

We ordered a flatbread. It came with a slices.

The math is quite simple.

A slices divided by just four people.

We should each get two.

Yet Megan took three.

And so I was screwed.

And I thought, I thought that that was quite strange.

Eat it. I'm not even hungry. I'm totally like GLP -1 vibes.

Oh, okay, thanks.

So is anyone doing anything after this?

Oh, yeah, I have really fun plans. I'm taking Peepers to get an IUD.

Oh, I didn't realize Peepers was a girl ferret.

Yeah, she's just mad.

Excuse me, sir.

Sorry, the pomade is a little too spicy for me.

Oh, so sorry about that. That's our mistake.

When he ordered his drink, he said, can you make it spicy?

I said, when we do spicy, it can be really spicy.

He said, that's great, because I really like spicy. But now he is pissed,

because his drink is so spicy.

And I thought...

Let me fix that right away, sir. I'll be right back.

Oh, wait.

I have some news.

Wait, have you guys seen All's Fair?

Yes, it's so camp, I'm obsessed.

Sarah Paulson is unbelievable.

This always happens.

I get interrupted whenever I... Oh, my God, Kim!

Hi, so sorry I'm late. I hope it's okay. I brought Ryan.

Yeah, we can get another chair.

This is so awkward.

I was blindsided. I specifically asked if I was invited.

I don't like her friends. They don't get my joke. Even though I have good ones

like... Beep, beep! Make room for the daddy -mobile.

I woke up!

This car runs on daddy juice.

I thought that that was quite strange.

What the hell?

That wasn't me. It just fell.

How did the mimosa fall on its own?

I just did that. I did it with my mind. I've been practicing magic since 2009.

And I thought, I'm like Matilda but tall.

Wait,

oh my god, look who it is!

decided to come after all.

And I thought,