Original subtitles

- Oh, shit. He's on it. - Fuck it, it's gonna go.

[device beeps] - Oh, shit. Whoa.

- Oh, shit, shit, shit! Shit, shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit! Ah, shit! Ah!

Hey! Hey, somebody!

Call the fire department. Get the car.

We're gonna have to call air traffic control.

- [whimpering]

- I don't see him. I don't see him.

Ah! - He's right there.

He looks like Gonzo up there.

- There he is! There he is!

- Hey! - Jim!

It's Trudy!

Take one of these.

Jim, Jim, this is Trudy Wiegel on the radio.

Over, 192.

- Hey, Trudy. Go for Jim. - This is Raineesha.

She wants to say something to you, Jim.

- Dangle, I see your nuts!

- That can't be the first time, can it, Rai-Rai?

- Jim!

- So I'm still over Nevada airspace, yes?

- You're confirmed over Nevada airspace, Jim.

If you could just take a little peeksy

inside my neighbor's backyard,

because I think she may have stolen my weed whacker.

I would much appreciate it. Over, 10-4, good buddy.

- Trudy, that's a confirmation on the weed whacker.

It does look like it is in your neighbor's yard.

Is there--not that you guys aren't being helpful,

is there anyone on the ground

who could give me ground support, do you think?

- Um...

- He's heading toward the Bowling Hall of Fame, Clem.

You got to head him off.

- Yeah, I'm all over it. I got eyes on him right now.

I'm chasing him at 90 miles an hour down 395. Stand by.

I don't fucking care.

- He keeps going like this,

pretty soon he'll be out of our jurisdiction.

- We'll see about that.

- Hey, guys, and good news. I found my Go-Gurt.

[gunshots]

Shit.

What?

[gunshots]

They're shooting at me!

- But they're not hitting anything.

[gunshots] - Damn it!

- Oh, shit. Sorry, Jim.

- Whoo-hoo!

Norman Reedus's company makes these.

[grunts]

Ah, shit.

Ah! Oh!

- [laughs] - Don't worry, guys.

- [yelping]

[screams]

[all shouting]

[dog barking]

I'm actually okay.

[bicycle bell dings] all: Oh!

- Except my spine! I don't have a spine anymore!

- Go, go, go, go.

[heroic music]

* *

- These last few years have been a nightmare to be a cop.

You're walking on eggshells,

and it's twice as bad for someone like me.

Maybe, like, a hundred times as bad,

because I hate everybody.

I literally can't stand humanity.

So for me, I got to get over hating everybody,

or my individual hatreds come off like prejudice.

I'm a good guy. I treat everybody the same.

I fucking hate them.

- It's been a bad year for cops, man.

Between the Antifa/ Black Lives Matter guys

that have been trying to defund us

and the Blue Lives Matter crowd that actively tried to kill us,

I should have been a fucking garbageman like Dad said.

- To be honest, I thought I was gonna skate--

skate by, 'cause, you know, I'm...

I'm the hip-hop cop, you know?

People like me.

But it turns out they, uh...

they lumped me in.

They lumped me in, and they hate me too.

- Good morning, gang.

- Mm. - I hate it here.

- Good morning.

- [sighs]

[exhales]

I know it's been a rough couple of years.

- Suck a dick, asshole.

- You're absolutely allowed to vent like that.

Declan, the next time you feel that rage, and I know--

Are you on the-- you're on your meds, yeah?

- Yeah. - What are they giving you?

- LSD.

Everything's fuzzy on the edges and drips.

- That's okay.

But you're not thinking about hurting anybody, right?

- Oh, yeah. All the time.

Whatever Dr. Migifingers has prescribed to you

to get through this trying time,

stick with that.

- Why can't we all just get along, guys?

Right? - How come she's doing okay?

I don't get it. She was the most fucked-up one

out of all of us, and somehow she's doing okay.

[alarm chimes] - [exhales]

- Sorry, that was my medication alarm.

- Holy shit. - That's quite a selection.

- White wakes me up, blue calms me down.

Orange keeps the demons from dancing all around.

And then this blue one

is so I don't get bloating and gas,

and that I don't shit my pants.

- What is going on?

- How do I get me some of that?

- You just call the lady and say,

"I'm thinking about harming myself and others."

You have to say "and," not "or."

- Oh, you said "and others." - And others. That's it.

It's the "and others."

Uh, in other news, everybody knows Pizza Midget.

- Oh, yeah, they got them little midget pizzas.

- Yeah, um, so apparently this Q...

or QAnon, whatever that is,

has been, uh, saying defamatory things about them

on their message boards and such.

- Pedophile ring in the basement.

- That's what they said, but to my knowledge,

there is not a pedophile ring in the basement.

- No. - Do they have a basement?

- They don't even have a basement.

- No, they don't even have a pinball machine.

- So that explains this document.

So what's happening is Pizza Midget

is suing Q

for libel.

And we need to-- - Like "QAnon" Q?

- Yes. The actual Q.

We need to put this in the hand

and serve Q.

- How are we supposed to find Q?

The whole thing about Q is that nobody knows where Q is.

- Does nobody know-- - That's the whole thing.

- Is Q even a person?

- We got to put it in the trunk

of Mr. "Snuffleufagus."

- All right, wait, are you saying "Snuffleufagus"

or "-upagus"?

- "-Ufagus." - Uh-uh.

- Is it "-upagus"? - It's "-upagus."

- Oh, my God, dude, don't get into this again.

- I got to get into it. I have to get into it.

Om break!

all chanting: Om.

- It's "-upagus."

[guitar strums]

- Click on that article about the Hollywood cabal...

- There it is. - See if there's something like,

"If you want to contact Q, click here."

- Contact Q. - Look at all them people

they said is pedophiles.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

- Tom Hanks? - Yeah.

- I mean, those are some ugly-looking white people.

- Steven Spielberg has actual horns?

Oh, click on the pillow guy. The pillow guy.

- [overlapped chatter] - Oh, the pillow guy!

- There's so many I could click on, guys.

- Hey, look at that. - Okay.

- Q's Booze Cruise.

They're having a convention on a boat.

- They're actually having--yes.

"Leaving from Panama, Florida, to Nassau.

Fun events, lectures, get together with QAnon..."

- I will volunteer. - I'm dialing the number.

I'm dialing. I'm dialing. - I'm in.

- I will volunteer to do this. - I want to do this.

- Nobody sound like a cop!

- Uh, yeah, hi.

Um, I saw your-- the ad for, uh, the--

the Q's Booze Cruise. - Hey, honey!

Are you on the phone?

- [in high-pitched voice] Yes, Daddy.

- Sorry, I have many, many children

who need my attention.

- Daddy, I'm hungry!

- [in Southern accent] I'm here too, Daddy!

- I have a blended family,

and my children are always pulling at me

in a million directions. Ha, ha, ha.

I-I saw the posting on our amazing--

our amazing Q site for the Q's Booze Cruise.

Oh, that leaves on-- that leaves on Wednesday.

Uh, is the big guy gonna be there?

Are there nine slots available?

There are? Great, great, great.

And how much-- how much are those?

Do you have anything cheaper than that?

You do?

Do you have anything slightly cheaper than that?

That sounds amazing.

Great. Nine.

- Yes! Yes! - Where we go one, we go all!

[all cheer]

- * Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

- Ah. Stop.

[coughs]

- [speaking foreign language]

- Junior Jr., please don't paint

the police car, Junior Jr.

- I want to paint the police car,

and I'm gonna do it anyway!

- I don't mind getting out of town for a couple of days.

* *

- * Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who? *

- [screams]

- * Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who? *

- It just goes to show you that vision-boarding works.

And I am gonna land me a bajillionaire,

because that is what I deserve.

[laughs]

Oh!

- Ah! Freedom!

* *

God, I hate this city.

- What's in the box, you ask?

[chuckles]

No one asked that. I just said it rhetorically.

I have some friends in the box.

Some friends who are my ticket

out of this shithole.

- Sitting for paying customer only.

- I am going to buy something!

- * Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

- My old friend, the sea.

Mic check. Mic check.

This is Johnny Tremain.

- * Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

* Who let the dogs out? *

* Who, who, who, who? *

- Welcome to Q's Booze Cruise.

Where we go one, we go all...

to shuffleboard, on Deck 3.

- Thank you, and have a patriotic day.

Don't forget to own the libs.

- Oh, hi. - Hello!

Welcome to Cruise-- Blue's Clues--

Welcome to Q's Booze Cruise.

- [laughs] Yeah. Nailed it.

- Thank you. - Hi. I'm, uh, John Tremain.

- Oh. - I'm a disgruntled, uh--

- Ooh, a double-platinum elegance package.

- That's us. That's us. - Love it.

- Just sign in here. - Right.

John Tremain. - Mm-hmm.

- And the job: laborer. Disgruntled laborer.

- Yes. - Thank you so much.

- Thank you. Welcome. - Great. I don't know--

- Thank you. - Hello.

- Hello. Nice--hello. - Morning.

- Hello, ma'am. - Welcome to Clues Booze

Cruise--Q's Bees Cru-- Q's Booze Cruise.

- You know, I'm here as an individual.

I'm not part of his, uh, part...

- It doesn't matter. - Just a solo person.

Everybody's giving me backstory today.

- I'm single. - Uh-huh.

[light music]

- [laughs]

Mahalo.

"My hollow" stomach's gonna be filled with buffet!

[laughter]

- I don't get that. I don't get that at all.

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna play-- I'm playing so much of that.

- You can't. It says you're not allowed.

- Oh, it's closed. Oh, look at that.

Anybody got a 5 to give the lady--

Cute lady bellhops, We give them a 5?

- I didn't bring any money. - Hi, how are you? Hi.

- Stop. - Oh! Oh, my God.

- Before you come on the boat... - Uh-huh.

- We have to do health. - Yeah.

- We have to do waiver, okay? - Uh-huh.

Don't read. Just sign.

- Do not read. - Initial. Initial. Sign.

- You have to sign a waiver to eat at the buffet?

- Please be quiet. I'm doing demonstration, okay?

- Please be quiet, guys.

- Ah. Ah. Ah.

- [screaming]

- We take temperature bottom. - Okay.

- Oh, right there? - From the back. Now bend over.

He's okay. He's okay. - Is it okay? Oh, great.

See? Guys, this is so stupid, it's easy.

- I have to check your genital, okay?

- Yeah, yeah, of course. You just got to check that?

- No, open more, okay? I'm looking.

- Right after this, we get to go on the stuff and everything?

Right up-- - No. Shh!

Next! - Okay, I'm done.

- Maybe--excuse me, if I could make a suggestion.

If the rest of the guys could just all get your penises out,

then they're ready for her, so then we can move it along...

- That's a great idea. [applause]

- I don't want to take my penis out.

- Hello, everyone!

- Oh, hello! [applause]

- When I say, "hell," you say, "lo."

- Hell. all: Lo!

- Hey!

- I am Captain Bonsoifisse.

And, yes, I am that Captain Bonsoifisse.

- Oh! - Hello. Before you wonder,

I have been acquitted. All good.

Everything is good now. - Great.

- Hola. Bienvenidos.

Hello. Primero Officer Memes deporting for duty.

[laughter] - That is a joke,

but by the way, he actually has been deported.

- But we cannot talk about it, okay?

But welcome. I am so happy for you to be here.

I'm a fun guy, but, uh, we do have some bad news.

all: Oh. - Unfortunately.

We are dangerously low on beer.

- Oh. - What?

- We currently have two types of beer left.

- Okay. - It is clam-nado hot beer.

- Ooh. - Okay? It is very hot.

And we also have a clam lite lime beer.

- What if you're allergic to clams?

- Good question! Let's move on!

- Oh, fun. Fun. This is gonna be great.

- I have something very serious to talk about now.

- Great. - A lot of people say

the silent killer at sea is diarrhea.

- Mm. - Not true.

Diarrhea at sea can be loud. - Very loud.

- Now, in the next three hours,

I am going to teach you how to keep your diarrhea

down by the minutes using our handy-dandy diarrhea app.

- Oh, okay, cool. - With any luck,

we will be able to keep your diarrhea

down to the first five faces.

- Okay. - Is there anything

we can specifically avoid to keep from getting

in the bottom three? - Yeah.

- I have never seen a cruise without diarrhea.

- You're gonna get it. - I don't want to get diarrhea.

- I didn't want to be born with one leg

slightly shorter than the other, but I was, and I lived with it,

and look at me now! Bon!

- Listen, I didn't want to live with my handsy uncle

when I was nine years old either,

but I did it and we got through it.

- Unbelievably depressing. - [whistle blows]

- Okay, time to go to your room.

[excited chatter]

- Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey, Mr. Memes. Mr. Memes, hey.

I just wanted to ask you, what are you guys--

how are you guys set for entertainment on the boat?

- Uh, you know, we have the karaoke machine.

It's out of order, but, you know...

- I would love to get a couple minutes

just to pitch you something...

- Okay. - That I think

could change your life

and save you a small fortune

with your entertainment dollar.

- Oh. - It goes a very long way.

- We like to save money around here.

- I can tell.

[smooth guitar music]

* *

[klaxon blaring]

[hull creaking]

So-- [electricity pops and crackles]

This--

I kind of like it, actually, down here.

This is executive double platinum?

- Yes. - Yeah.

What's below executive double platinum?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

- You are lowest. - Right.

This is rustic.

[laughs] Almost to a fault.

- It's nicer than that place we had in Loughlin.

- By a lot. And, uh, yes.

- You know the best part? - Yeah.

- No windows. - Mm.

- I have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes,

but I feel like there's so little oxygen in here

that it's gonna be pretty easy to doze off.

- You want to work. You want to work a little bit

when you sleep, you know?

- Earn your life. - Earn your life.

- Earn your life. - Earn the trip, you know?

- Is that a bat? Those aren't bats up there?

- Oh, yes. - Those are bats?

- Yes, they come with the room complimentary.

- Oh, they're moving. Look, they're moving.

They're wiggling around. - That's beautiful.

- Aw, there's the baby. - Oh, that's a baby!

- Aw! - They're a family.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Johnny Tremain has landed.

- Hi. - Hi!

- I'm gonna need you to check your guns.

- I'm good, actually. - Oh...

- No, last Q conference in Dallas,

there was open carry.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, 42 people

had catastrophic injuries at bingo night.

- Oh, well, that makes sense. - Yeah.

- He has a code he lives by.

Will you just pry it from his hand?

- Just pry it. - Okay!

- If you don't pry it, he can't give it.

- Once you're off the boat, Second Amendment.

- You're the-- You're the pink hat--

That's you! - Yeah, that's me.

- You're the lady from the peaceful protest.

- Yeah. - Remind me?

- Yeah, she pooped in Nancy Pelosi's desk

at the big peaceful protest. - You did not!

- Yeah. - You're that lady?

- Yeah. Remember? - Look at that.

- Oh, my gosh! Whoa!

- You know Charlie Kirk.

- Color me starstruck.

- Wow. - Holy cow.

- Would you like to buy a copy of my book?

- You wrote a long book. - Yes, please. How much is it?

Well, they're $9.99, but $49.99 if I autograph it.

- Oh. - Oh, wow.

- We'll just look at it.

- We're gonna look at it and remember it was really great.

- Well, think about it. - Thank you very much.

This was great.

I'm sure there's tons of big stars

that we're gonna meet, so...

- I mean, I heard--

I heard Q was here.

- So where's his book table?

Or her book-- their book table?

- The Q. - Do--do we--

do you recognize him?

Here?

- Okay, I don't know who he is. - Mm-hmm.

- But I-I know he's handsome.

I know he's white, but that's all I know.

- Well, we all assume. - Oh, my God.

- What?

- Are those the Black Lives Don't Matter people

with the little tiny guns?

- I want a picture! I got to get a picture!

- Got to go. Got to go. - Have a good conference.

- It was nice meeting you! - Thank you.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

- Hey.

[whispers] Fan out. Reconnaissance.

Don't do anything to draw extra attention to us, okay?

- No.

- Fan out. Recon mode.

Can you hear me?

Tremain to Chet.

Trudy. - Yes?

- What's with the dress?

- It's part of our backstory. - Oh, good.

- You and I...

we're a couple. - Yeah.

- You...

are a 79-year-old Presbyterian

who owns an auto parts dealership in Fresno

that you bought with your dead grandma's money.

I am a 29-year-old trophy wife who has a keen eye for fashion

and a masters degree in birds and things.

I...

have one flaw,

and it's that sometimes I'm a little too nice.

Our neighbor Rodrigo has three dogs.

One of them is missing.

We think the nephew took him.

I think he may have eaten him.

If you panic, squeeze my hand 11 times

and we will start making out, got it?

- Okay.

Trudy? - Hmm?

You still didn't explain the dress.

- Oh, I never got to that part in the story.

I think I'm wearing the wrong outfit.

- It's okay.

- Hello, um, strange...

people.

- And the deep state's really, really...

doing--but--getting us hard. - This is my husband.

Our neighbor's name is Rodrigo.

- Don't do the whole thing. - He has three dogs,

but one of them is missing.

- That's Raineesha. It's Raineesha.

- It's a horrible story.

- You recognize Raineesha, right?

- I didn't at first, I got to be honest.

- I didn't think you did. - Those are very distracting.

You should put them away. - Nice meeting you, Coco.

- So nice to meet y'all too.

A beautiful QAnon couple.

- You should see him with his pants off.

[all laugh]

- Hollywood's full of vampires. Nothing but vampires.

[laughing]

- So nice to meet you, Julian.

And thank you again for getting me this free drink.

- Yeah, if I could have bought it, I would.

[both laugh]

I couldn't buy it, though. I couldn't buy it.

So good to be here. - I'm surprised.

You know, 'cause I ain't think they was gonna have

too many Blacks around here.

- Yeah, it's a lot of white folk, ain't it?

Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

- I'm listening. - I'm an entrepreneur.

- Mm! - I own a couple of businesses.

- Well? - Yeah. I do real estate.

So, yeah... - Married?

- No, I am not married. - Wait a minute.

I'm gonna step a little closer. - Okay, come on.

I'm single. [laughter]

Look at you!

Oh, you got me blushing up in here.

Golly. I also like to, um, collect my poop,

so the government does not clone me.

- M'kay.

- So you guys know who, uh, Q is?

Q? - What do you mean?

- That's a weird question. Let me ask you something.

You guys cops?

- That's what I'm wondering.

That's like a cop-like question.

- Yeah. - "Do you know who Q is?"

- You know about aliens and stuff.

Let's not get into the grays, all right?

Aliens are real.

You got to be careful of them too,

'cause they will abduct you.

It's happened.

And let's not talk about the probing.

Did--did they get whatever was in you?

I hope so.

I hope so.

[applause] - Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, welcome, searchers, pioneers, and patriots.

I-I hate to start off with bad news,

but Sidney Powell will not be giving our keynote address.

She is under house arrest right now.

Uh, I apologize.

And, again, ever hopeful, ever forward.

That is what we believe here.

Yes, thank you. [cheers and applause]

So, um, you know, Q is a question,

a query, and a quest.

And pretty soon, it is going to be a quality,

much like the quality time that many of us are being denied

spending with our kids

because of divorce court judges,

resentful ex-wives,

traitorous family members

who screenshot our Instagram posts

to show family counselors who are deciding visitation rights,

who are believing the lies of the deep state.

Those masks will be lifted.

We are about to experience

much the same experience

that Rowdy Roddy Piper experienced

in the movie "They Live,"

when the... [applause]

- Yeah! - When the big, uh,

deep state illusion beam was finally destroyed.

That will soon happen for us.

That is what Q is doing.

And the masks will be lifted.

All of that will be lifted.

[applause]

Q has cracked the code,

and once you crack the code,

it is so easy to see what is hidden out there.

What is keeping you from-- from real strength.

From real reality.

From real love.

That kind of code-cracking

is what we are here

on this ship doing.

You're the only ones who can see it.

And thank you guys so much for being on this cruise.

Full truth ahead.

And, um, everyone enjoy the cruise.

Thank you, thank you. [applause]

- Heil Hitler!

- No, Trudy, no. Trudy, no, no, no, no.

I mean, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's right, yeah, yeah. - Right?

- I mean, heil all kinds of-- - Heil everybody.

[PA system chimes]

- Check with staff before you use

any restrooms on the second, third,

fourth, and sixth floor.

- Morning, gang.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Morning.

- [sighs]

Oh, God. Ooh.

- Hot, right?

- It feels like almost dangerously so.

- Yeah. - Yeah, creeps up on you.

- Johnny Tremain has a thought over here.

The little bird, the, uh...

the speaker.

Little weirdy with the short arms.

- Oh. - Eyeballs all over you.

- Mm-hmm. - Saw that.

- I thought he was looking at me.

- Mm-mm. - No, I think he's got a...

- He got a motor... - He got a Marty Feldman?

- Yeah. Well...

- I thought he was looking at my vag.

- He got a little bit. - Nope.

- Here's what I'm thinking.

That horrible little weird little midget man.

- Yeah. - He feels like he's got

an itch he needs to scratch.

- Is this code too? - Yes.

- Clemmie, code name: Roxy. - Yeah.

- Could get next to that little weirdo.

- Know what I mean? - Easy.

- Honey trap. - Seduction.

- I did it to become Miss Teen Whiskey Pete's,

and I can do it now.

- I believe the after-party

is on the lido deck at 7:00.

Perhaps there we should lay our trap.

- I have never felt such a sense of purpose.

It's been a long time.

- On behalf of the Reno Sheriff's Department,

I authorize you to go to third, but not home.

- This might be kind of obvious,

but home is-- home run is vag.

What would butt stuff be?

- Grand slam.

Finishing in the butt?

- That's a walk-off. - Wait a minute.

But what if you finish with your peen between the teets?

What is that called? - Sometimes it's just an error.

[solemn chanting]

* *

- Who is currently planning a coup in Venezuela?

Is it Obama? Hillary Clinton?

George Soros? All of the above?

Which is the best chan?

4chan? 8chan?

69chan? [chuckles]

German chancellor Angela Merkel is, in fact,

a robot sent to the future by Adolf Hitler...

- Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry.

[both laugh] - [imitates robot beeping]

- I'm so clumsy. - So close here. Um...

- I really liked what you were doing onstage today.

- I noticed.

- Um...

You...

You know a lot about this-- this Q.

This mysterious Q.

- I mean...

do you have a couple hours? Because--

- I do. - Oh. Well, um...

Q is something I would like to talk about with you.

That was a Q symbol I just did on your shoulder.

- Listen, I, am...

waxed, chillaxed, and unvaxxed.

So... - [laughs]

[tinny fanfare music playing]

* *

- Mr. Memes.

Enchanting ladies

from... the mysterious east,

prepare for little Mr. Jimmy and friends,

available in your floating showroom

in perpetuity

across the seven seas.

Now, sit back and enjoy

187 minutes

of world-class puppetry.

Oh, fuck. Oh, got it.

[twangy guitar music]

* It's little tiny Jimmy and friends *

* It's little friend Jimmy and a box full of men *

* If you did a little sin, gonna make amends *

* It's tiny little Jimmy and puppet friends *

* *

[glass shatters]

* *

[in high-pitched voice] Hi, Mom!

Here we go!

Better get ready to start the show.

- [chuckling]

Oh... - Hey.

- Good to see you. - [laughs]

- Beautiful night, huh?

- Yeah.

I guess you could call it that.

- You know, there used to be a saying

when I was in school.

Why think when you can drink?

My private stash. Go ahead.

- I like that saying. - Mai tai.

- Yeah. Now it's...

both: Our tai.

[both laugh]

- Cheers. - Oh!

Have you ever played "I Ain't Never"?

- "I Ain't Never." I don't--

- It's the Black version of "Never Have I Ever."

- Well, you know, that game is probably

a lot more fun with women.

- I'll start. - Okay.

- I ain't never...

run a ship aground in Puerto Rico,

thinking that I saw someone that I knew.

Yeah? Mm. Mm.

- That's so specific to you. - Ah!

I need you to do me a favor. - Hmm?

- Take these keys. I am...

way too messed up to drive.

- I'm gonna walk away now.

- I'm going to watch you.

Bon!

- Voyage.

What the fuck?

- How was everybody's intermission?

Act trois.

In which we travel...

south of the border.

Fuck it. I'm sorry.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck it. Oh, fuck.

Hernan is about to learn

a little lesson about amigo-ship.

And when you're on a ship,

friend--friendship is the--

Ah, fuck it. Sorry.

Hernan's gonna learn a lesson,

that when we're helping other people...

[breathing heavily]

Hernan--fuck it, fuck it. Fuck it!

We're gonna skip ahead.

Skip ahead, skip ahead. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[boat horn blares]

[cell phone chimes] - Oh!

Time to take my medication.

Oh, shit.

Meh, should be fine.

- [inhales and sighs]

Look at you.

Did you steal that gown from a princess?

- Well, it's a Frozen Halloween costume

that I bought at Rite Aid, so, yeah, kind of.

- [laughs]

I'm Xavier Rothchild III.

I quit a successful career in the cinema

to become a doctor for cats.

And now, I go wherever I'm needed,

which is anywhere a cat needs a doctor.

- Isn't that a...

a veterinarian, technically?

- I don't think so.

- Okay.

Well, my name is Trudy.

I am an undercover cop,

which I'm not supposed to say,

but I kind of feel like

you and I are getting along really well,

and I can probably tell you all my secrets, so...

- You can tell me anything.

- [titters]

- Trudy? - Yeah?

- Would you like to join me for a cocktail

and a walk around the ship?

- Well, I'm supposed to join my friends on the lower deck

for a diarrhea test,

but I suppose I could.

- Oh, these are not for us.

Uh, I put out a cigarette in this.

Sorry, let me get us some fresh drinks.

- I'm not thirsty. I'm not thirsty.

- It's okay, come with me.

- Okay. - Come with me.

- No, Caesar,

I will not renounce the Christ.

[deeps voice] This Christ seems to have

a power over mens' souls.

My name is James Ron Dangle. That is the show.

I'm 66 years young.

I'm between apartments right now.

I would love-- in fact, need--

to do this for you.

But it's not just me you have to thank

for tonight's entertainment.

Let's meet all

of the 88 performers

who just brought you this wonderful tale.

- Who eats baby hearts to stay young-looking?

Kate Beckinsale? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Ryan Seacrest?

- I'm in, um...

I'm in Cabin 1503.

- Okay. - 1-5-0-3.

- 1503.

- Which is, um, you know,

March 15th backwards, you know.

The Ides of March.

It kind of makes sense they gave me that room.

- I'm gonna take your word for that.

I liked this when I understood what you were talking about,

and I feel like where you were going

was you were going to ask me to...

go bang in your room.

I felt like that's where this was headed.

- Let me--really quick, could I just, um...

[clears throat]

Would you come bang in my room?

- Let me tell you what I'm looking for from you.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

We're gonna bone

and we're gonna talk about Q.

We're gonna listen to some smooth jazz.

- Uh-huh.

- And we're gonna make this

the best two-day booze cruise

in all of history.

- Prepare to have your mind and, uh, vagina blown apart.

- Ah.

[smooth jazz music]

- You got this. You got this.

You give this guy a blowner,

he might accidentally tell the truth.

Happens to me.

- He's not gonna get too far in my pants.

I've got an old-school Cotex with a belt.

- That's my girl. - Impenetrable.

- Well, well, well.

What do we have here? - Oh, man!

Talking about the kraken.

- Why are you guys living down here in the basement?

- It was a package deal. - It was a package.

It seemed like-- they make it sound way nicer.

- Very affordable.

- Hey, man, how about the great awakening?

- Yeah. The storm.

- Epstein didn't kill himself, right?

Ha-ha! - The storm's coming.

- Come on. - So, uh...

word has it you guys...

know who Q is.

[clears throat]

- Why would we? - I mean...

I'd give my body freely to Q, just on principle.

- Fine.

FBI, guys. - Whoa!

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

- Federal Bureau of Investigation.

- God damn it. - Oh, my God.

- What a good badge. - Okay...

Reno Sheriff's Department.

- You're kidding me?

- My name is not Jonny Tremain.

- You're deep cover looking for...

- No way.

- Oh, hey! Whoa, whoa!

- Oh! - Oh, man!

So the deep state... - Yes.

- Is gonna just do...

- Oh. You can cut the shit. I'm CIA.

- You're CIA?

- I'm with Vice News.

Is anyone QAnon on this whole boat?

- Hold on, I'm with "Mother Jones" journal, man.

You think I would be here--

I wouldn't be wearing all these flags and shit.

I'm a Black man. - I thought you were a real Q.

- I thought you were real. - Yeah, you were good!

[overlapping chatter]

- You look amazing. - You look like that lady.

- Thank you. I know. I really do look like her.

- Now that I see you,

I've seen you on Vice News thousands of times.

- Yes. - This is the lady

from Vice News- - Oh!

You made that Nazi guy cry

in the thing with the Proud Boys.

I've masturbated to you.

- Since we're all law enforcement,

how about we, uh, pool our resources?

- Why would we do that? We got a beat on them.

I mean, we-we...

- [whispers] - We don't have any...

- No, we're good. What's in it for us?

- Look, we're the FBI.

We've got all the high-tech shit.

Cameras, audio equipment. You name it, we've got it.

How about a wire for her?

- Yeah. - Yup.

- Yeah, let's wire her up.

- Working with the FBI! Whoo! - Sweet.

And CIA. Hi.

[knock on door] - Come in.

- Oh.

Hello, patriot.

- Hello, my cool ranch Kate Winslet.

- [laughs]

- How are you? Mwah.

- Oh, I love that you left your shoes on.

- Oh, well, you know,

you got to have a couple of things

to throw off later.

I love a stakeout.

- [whispers] It's the best. - It's the best.

Good just-- good coffee.

You get to smoke in a tiny room.

I know it's a little on the nose, but,

man, if we had, like, old Chinese takeout,

wouldn't that be amazing? - Oh! Takeout.

- Yeah, yeah, that's-- that's good.

- We're gonna get this guy.

Hope you don't mind that I didn't make the bed.

I didn't want to try to hide the lie

that I had been tossing and turning

and thinking of you.

- [laughs] - Because I have been.

- Well, great.

It smells so masculine in here.

- Oh, well, that is the spicy cheese puffs.

And if you're thirsty, the clam lite lime.

- Oh. - I would, uh, open one,

but I'm, um-- [stomach gurgling]

The clam lime kind of, you know...

it's a kind of rush hour deal right through me, so...

- Oh, as someone who has had

the clam lite lime splatter shits before,

believe me, I shat my underwear right off one time.

- Oh, um, sorry,

but vocalization leads to visualization,

leads to realization.

Be right back in a second. - Okay.

- I'm just gonna leave the door open

and talk to you from here.

- Great, I have no problem with that at all.

- So seriously, thanks for coming...

[farting]

Uh, to just, you know, I guess hang out and talk.

Most people--it's really rare when a woman comes into my room.

- [laughing] I don't believe that.

[toilet flushes] You strike me as quite the lad--

Lady-killer. Oh.

- [stammers]

I wish I had some of those--

What are those matches with the kind of--

Anyway, I just think you're really pretty.

[stomach gurgles]

And... - So do I.

And that's something we have in common, Ron.

- It's like we were talking about earlier.

Just, you know, feeling so alone and, like,

there's no one you can...

[stomach gurgling] - I hear it. I hear it. Go.

- Oh, okay, okay. - It's fine. Yeah, I hear it.

- Wait, wait, wait.

This'll be-- this'll be a quick one.

- Yeah? - Yeah, just a little quick jet.

A little quick jet! Oh!

- She should be getting extra combat pay.

- Whoo! That one had a bone in it.

[toilet flushes]

- Tell me some things, Ron.

You have such a way about you.

I...

I bet you have a lot of...

secrets, maybe, that people don't understand.

- Actually hitting the nail on the head.

I...

I mean...

in a way,

I am a secret.

Forget--nothing, nothing. Forget I said that.

I...

- Go on.

I'm listening.

I'm here for whatever you want to say.

- And this will just stay between us?

- Obviously.

- Because I don't think I ever want to leave your side.

Right now...

You

are scratching the back...

Of Q.

I'm Q.

- He's Q.

- This guy's Q? - This guy's Q. He's Q.

This is Q. - Shit. Go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[smooth jazz music playing]

- Here's to butt stuff.

- Always. - Mm.

- Freeze! Freeze! - Freeze! Police!

- [screams] - Pizza Midget says hello!

- Fuck you, deep state!

- [screams]

- Oh, my-- - Get him!

No, after you. - [stammering]

- Let me lick it! - No, don't lick it!

Jesus Christ! Get him off me!

[klaxon blaring]

- Freeze! [guns cock]

- Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Don't you move--

[overlapped shouting]

- You're not canceling me!

- He's getting away!

[overlapped shouting continuous]

- Out of my way, lib-tards!

- Get one of the-- - Junior, Junior! Shit!

- What's happening? - Uh, okay, uh,

what do you do?

- You push the red thing! You push the red thing!

- Where's the red thing?

- Hold on, guys. Hold on, I got it.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Ow!

- Freeze, you little weirdo!

- [groaning]

It's okay, guys!

I'll just use my getaway sticks.

Here she comes. - The jig is up.

We know you're Q, guy.

- Q is bigger than me! Q is bigger than all of this!

- I got a shot! I got a shot!

[gunfire, screaming]

Sorry, undercover deputies working on behalf

of Pizza Midget. Sorry, we have badges, I swear.

[gunfire]

- Help me, Roger Stone!

[gunfire]

- Don't shoot the food, Dangle!

[exciting music]

- Oh!

[screams]

* *

Hey! Hey! - I got him!

Ha! Go, go, go, go!

- Freeze! Sheriff's Department!

- I'm coming for you, my love!

- Ron, over here!

- You'll never catch Q!

* *

[guns cock]

- [clears throat]

You've been served.

[camera shutters clicking]

- I'm gonna blog so hard about this on my Reddit thread.

[solemn chanting]

[laughing and whooping]

- That is how you do it.

Clemmie, is your clam-nado lime disagreeing with you?

- It's just not taking me where I want to go.

- Oh, God, that's so hot.

You did great, kid.

Then why do I feel so shitty?

- Maybe part of you is sad just because he's so gross.

- He's so gross,

and you've had a lot of clam-nado lime now.

It's probably just that.

When I was feeling mixed up and confused,

which I did a lot,

my Uncle Frederick used to sing me

a little song that went just like this.

[lively banjo music]

* *

* She dashed by me in painted-on jeans *

* *

* And all heads turned 'cause she was a dream *

[clanging rhythmically]

- * In the blink of an eye *

* I knew her number and her name *

* Yeah *

* She said I was the tiger *

* She wanted to tame *

all: * Caribbean Queen *

* Now we're sharing the same dream *

* And our hearts, they beat as one *

* No more love on the run *

* *

- * I lose my cool when she steps in the room *

* *

* And I get so excited just from her perfume *

* She smells good *

* *

both: * Electric eyes that you can't ignore *

* *

- * Hey, ow! *

- * And passion burns you like never before *

* *

[upbeat bluegrass music]

* *

- * I was in search of a good time *

* Just running my game *

* Yeah *

* Love was the furthest *

* Furthest from my mind, yeah *

all: * Caribbean Queen *

* Now we're sharing the same dream *

* And our hearts, they beat as one *

* No more love on the run *

- Whoo!

[saxophone solo]

* *

- * Yeah *

* Caribbean Queen *

* Now we're sharing the same dream *

* And our hearts, they beat as one *

* Yeah *

* No more love on the run *

* *

* Caribbean Queen *

* Now we're sharing the same dream *

* And our hearts, will beat as one *

* *

* No more love on the *

* Run *

[all whooping and laughing]

- Yeah!

- That's great.

I hate to break up whatever this is,

but, uh, Ron is not Q.

He's a gym instructor from Fresno.

- I guess Arby's has, like, a restraining order against him.

- That's it. - Sorry, guys.

- Sorry.

[solemn chanting]

- One more time from the top?

* *

- The ship has officially run out of toilet paper.

Please use your assigned towel.

- I can't believe I played stinky pinkie

with someone who wasn't Q.

- Oh, okay.

[steel drum music playing]

- I hear steel drums.

I smell coconuts.

- Oh! We're in Nassau. - Whoo!

- We're in Nassau!

[all chatter excitedly]

[upbeat calypso music]

* *

- Nassau! Nassau! Nassau!

Nassau! Nassau!

- Okay, everybody! [blows whistle]

Please, attention. Open your orejas, please.

I have some bad news.

I have just been told that we have a super strain of diarrhea.

The worst diarrhea known to man.

No one can dock in Nassau.

We are officially quarantined here.

- What? - No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Memes.

- We've been bubbled this whole time.

- You are not keeping us on this ship!

We have already had the worst diarrhea!

We're a pod. We're fine. We're going. Good day.

[overlapping shouting]

[all screaming]

- Nobody, absolutely zero people,

will be able to leave this boat.

- All right, you guys,

enjoy your search for Q.

Bye, guys. - Thank you!

- That's a sad look.

- Except for these guys. They have to leave.

- Hey, Asians, Hispanic dude.

- Uh-oh. Oh, oh...

- As minorities... - That's it, that's it.

We need to stick together, all right?

You know what I'm saying?

Like, if my back can wash yours,

then maybe you can wash mine, right?

- Yeah, man, me and my boy here,

we just like to party up in the--

- No! No!

- No? - No, no.

So how many days are we gonna be quarantined?

- Just a short, happy 30 days.

- What?

[overlapping shouting]

[tense music]

- [sobbing]

* *

- I got it. Let go! - No!

No! No!

[panting]

* *

- I know you're watching me.

- I know you know I'm watching you.

- I know you know I knew it.

- [counting in native language]

Okay, bye-bye. Go.

That's all you get. Use front, use back.

* *

[dispenser whirring]

- Hey, Travis... - Huh?

- Why are you doing all those so fast?

[sniffles]

- Toilet paper, Boss. - Thank you very much.

- How long we been quarantined?

- Almost a half-hour.

[mellow music]

* *

- Well, look at you.

- Nice to see you again, Clemmie,

or should I say, "officer."

Well, it's not nice to see you again,

you star-spangled turd.

- Oh, really?

The liar is offended to see me again.

- I lied, but you should expect that from a girl.

You said you were Q,

and that's a lot worse, and I am so disappointed.

When a--

a goddess like you shows any bit of interest,

of course I'm gonna lie.

I know you didn't ask to be this gorgeous and this perfect,

but you have to be ready

for guys to do stuff like this sometimes, okay?

- I am very interested

in the goddess part of what you were saying.

- It doesn't matter.

I should have known that you were a mirage.

I don't know if you can understand this,

but my whole life I felt like I am stuck

in this disgusting, low-rent desert,

and I'm the only one with any real inner beauty

and any actual dreams.

And I just want to rise up

like the burning eagle god that I am.

Can you understand that at all?

- Everything you just said

is everything that I have written

in my own Akashic records.

[both moaning]

Oh!

[giggles]

[sultry music]

- Oh! Ah! Ah! - Oh, yeah!

- [laughing]

- [groans loudly]

[sighs]

That was incredible.

- I'll bet it was. - Yeah.

- I admire your efficiency.

- You know, only three men have ever seen my labia before.

One was my ex-husband, one was my pediatrician,

and the other was an ambulance driver.

So consider yourself very lucky.

- Proud to be number four.

- [giggles]

- I am tormented by your beauty.

- Mm, can I take this out of my mouth--

- Not yet. - Okay.

- Just finishing the shading

around your beautiful face and pubis.

- I'm gonna need a lot of shading,

FYI, for the pubis area,

because one thing they don't tell you in health class

is that your pubis does get a lot bigger the older you get,

and I'm not bragging.

[laughs]

- Almost done with the shading.

- How does my butthole look?

- Let me take a look.

A little more pink.

- Hmm. You flatter me.

- Relax the face.

And relax the anus.

Yes. Perfect.

- [exhales]

- You know,

after being inside of you for two seconds like that,

I just feel so much closer to you.

I feel like I'm a part of you now.

And I...

I would never ask this,

but I feel so comfortable with you.

What's your real name?

- [sighs]

It's kind of embarrassing.

Clementine Anne Johnson.

- Clementine?

You mean like the sweet nibbly cookie?

I'd say that's perfect for you.

- Well, I never thought of it like that.

- [laughs]

- But that makes sense.

- You know...

I'm not really Q.

I'm his right-hand man.

In a lot of ways, I'm his mouthpiece.

I deliver his messages, and sometimes...

[dramatic music]

I invent some of those messages.

Just the stuff like, you know,

Britney Spears is really Lee Harvey Oswald.

And, you know-- - That was you?

- Yeah, that was me. Yeah. - [gasps]

- Yes, there's a bit of a thrill of, you know,

being able to kind of control the zeitgeist,

but the lifestyle is fucking amazing.

We own Jeffrey Epstein's old island.

It has a secret bunker underneath it.

It has a food court with every discontinued fast-food chain.

Kenny Rogers Roasters, Burger Chef;

they're all in operation, only at that one food court.

- Go fuck yourself.

- Yeah.

- You know what I find crazy, Xavier?

You're a painter.

I make dolls out of my old pantyhose,

so we're both artists.

And we randomly meet on a cruise and fall in love

on the exact day

that I run out of my anti-psychotic medication.

I mean, if that's not kismet, I don't know what is.

- Perfect timing.

- Wiegel!

Wiegel, you're naked.

- I know that. I'm being painted.

- What? - Please leave us alone.

- Wiegel, Wiegel, you are naked in the buffet.

- Can we please have some privacy?

- Your friend cannot be naked in the buffet.

- I know. - We have a sign that says so.

You'd think we don't need a sign that says,

"Please do not be naked in the buffet," but we do.

- I see it. - This is a diarrhea nightmare.

- I apologize. Trudy, please.

- Don't listen to him, Trudy. It's just you and I.

- Don't worry, sugar balls.

I only have ears for you.

- Trudy, that's a plant.

- God, you look so beautiful right now.

- Come back, Trudy.

Come back!

- Your jealousy is gross.

- Trudy!

[smooth bass music]

* *

- Morning, gang.

all: Morning. - Morning.

- I know it hasn't been ideal... - [PA system chimes]

- If you haven't filled out your diarrhea app,

do so immediately.

Failure to do so will result in a very serious penalty.

Remember, message and data rates may apply.

- Raise your hand if you forgot to log your diarrhea today.

- I didn't forget, but I tried and it crashed.

- Almost everyone!

- When I say, "hell," you say, "o."

Hello! Hello.

I just got off of the phone with the doctors

from the ship and the mainland,

and I am now certifiably insane.

They actually used the word--

and I never heard a doctor say this before--

cat shit crazy.

So I don't want to say screw all of you,

so I will say fuck all of you.

Fuck the ship life.

This jacket was my grandfather's.

They took it off his cold body.

He wasn't dead yet.

You can have that. Take that for you.

[exclaims]

Oh!

- Oh! - [laughs]

Big son of a...

- I think this is cause for concern.

all: Oh!

- How come he hasn't got diarrhea?

- [whistle blowing]

Okay, everybody. - Yes?

- Calm down. All calm down.

- Why did you say "calm down"? We were relatively calm.

[overlapping shouting]

- We were calm!

[whistle blowing] - As you can see,

the captain has gone a little bit crazy.

- Certifiably cat shit crazy.

- And since that is, you know, he's a little cause for alarm,

I am taking over.

- I am not taking orders

from another guy in shorts!

- Pass. Hard pass. - And you know what?

None of you updated your MyDiarrhea app.

- I did, though! Except for not them!

But I actually did.

You are not taking the ship. Thank you, but no thank you.

[gunfire, screaming]

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Put them below deck. - Okay, okay, we'll go.

[all shouting] - No. No. No. No.

- Come on!

- Oh, my God.

No. No, oh, my God!

- Yes. Guns! Guns! Guns! Guns! Guns!

When I say "guns," you say, "mm!"

- This is like that movie.

You know, the guy with the glasses.

Come on, the one-- Come on.

When you--the thing?

- "Amistad"? - Yes.

- How did you get that?

- I'm sorry, don't do that.

Don't compare a slave ship to what we're in.

- How is this not the exact same thing?

- Black people still have high blood pressure today

because of what happened.

The salt was so...

- Was that the name of that movie, by the way?

- Oh, don't make this be like the whole thing

when he gives that whole lecture about "Roots".

- I'll be honest, if I was-- [PA system chimes]

- Hello, everyone. This is your captain.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.

It's a good day to die.

Speaking of that, I'm about to run this ship aground

and kill all of us.

- Go! Go! [all scream]

Whoa! Whoa!

[klaxon blaring distantly]

- Everybody okay? - Oh!

- Tell you right now, people--

Hands in.

Heroes are not made...

at a summer frolic,

at a picnic with a basket

of fruits, crudités, cheeses, and meats.

- What the fuck?

- Maybe a sparkling white--

Hero--I'm getting to this part.

Heroes are forged

in fire.

all: Yeah! - [shouting angrily]

Let's do something about this!

- Yes! What do we do?

- Are we clowns, or are we the Reno Sheriff's Department?

- We're the Reno Sheriff's Department!

[shouting gibberish]

[exciting music]

* *

- Go, go, go, go.

* *

* *

- These decks is off-limits, everybody.

Oh!

[laughs]

[all laughing] - Hey, who did this?

[screams]

[water splashes]

[meaty thud] [all gasp]

[mechanical whirring and grinding]

- Oh, God.

Right into the propeller.

- He's all mixed up in there.

- Circle of life. Circle of life, right?

- In what way? - Um, let's not get specific.

Let's--you know, the circle of life.

- Oh, shit, we got to stop the boat.

- Go. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[speaking native language]

- Let's go.

- Captain! [all shouting]

- Captain, we got to stop!

[overlapping shouting]

- All right, step back, step back!

- Don't worry.

We do stuff like this all the time.

[gunshot] - [screams]

- Sorry!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

You got to let us in!

- How do we stop the ship?

- What if we drop the anchor?

- Yeah! Go, go, go!

- What if we drop the anchor?

Use your lower body. On three.

[exhales sharply]

One, two...

[all straining]

I'm getting it! I got a little bit!

I got something over here!

Son of a bitch, I had something over here.

- Let's do it one more time, 'cause I have to admit,

I wasn't pulling at all. I was just going, "Ah!"

- Fulcrum. [all straining]

- Anything?

- Yeah, I felt it move! I felt it move!

- I got something!

[overlapping shouting]

- One, two, three.

[all yell]

- Sometimes...

the best move

is to admit when you need help.

- Help! Help!

- Don't scream.

Okay, no, scream, scream.

- Help! - We need help!

[all shouting]

all: Help!

- My brothers and sisters of color,

Q weirdos who actually turned out to be pretty nice folks,

America used to be great 'cause we did stuff together.

Let's do this together, guys.

And heave!

[all yelling]

Heave! Heave! Heave!

Heave! And ho!

Yes! [all cheering]

[loud crash]

[water splashes]

Hey, guys...

we fucked up again.

- Yeah, it's supposed to be attached, right?

- Yeah.

all: Captain!

- Capitán. [all shouting]

- Hey, listen!

- I forgot, the crazy Black captain "Bonofrise"

gave me the keys! - Oh, my God!

- Let's do it. - Go, go, go!

- So much better than violence.

Hey!

- Gentle. Gentle. - Why don't you come on out?

Look what I got for you, huh?

- Oh. Shall we?

- Yes, we shall.

- Great, I'm gonna maybe turn the ship off.

- I wish I'd known you were here.

I would have let you in earlier.

- We did it. - Man, you're batshit crazy.

Hey! We did it! We saved the ship!

- Whoo-hoo! - Don't have to thank us.

- [shouts angrily] - Oh, shit!

- [gunfire] [all scream]

- What? What?

- Are you out?

- No hard feelings, right?

- Mutiny in international law is very bad.

I mean, we could kill you.

But we're not gonna do that, because we nice.

And we want a good Tripadvisor review.

Five star, please. Thank you so much.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye, my love. - Bye.

- Goodbye, my dear.

- I left one of my panty liners

under your pillow!

- [whispering] Who is she talking to?

- I will wait for you right here!

Fully engorged!

[boat horn blows]

- Bye, bye! [speaking native language]

[dramatic music]

* *

[all gasp]

- Oh, my God! - What the hell?

- Holy-- - Were you guys here

the whole time? - Oh, yeah.

We--we turned this into our little, um...

excuse me, but fuck nest.

[laughs] - Ew!

- This succubus has me up to, like, eight seconds.

Never lasted that long. - Congratulations.

- Nobody asked.

- If I get into double digits, this is the one.

[sighs] - I'll buy you an ice cream.

- Oh! - [both laugh]

all: No, no, no!

- Oh, come on!

- Just read the raft. Read the raft, right?

- Does anybody know, like, which way we're even drifting?

That's the drinking gourd up there.

The handle points to the North Star.

- I mean, if that really is the drinking gourd, I mean...

I probably shouldn't say this,

about a hundred miles north of here...

[sighs]

[whispers] Sorry, dude.

But, uh, Q's headquarters

are on my friend's island.

My friend had a really nice island with a--

you know, a mansion and a sex dungeon and--

- Jeff Epstein.

Who else has an island with a sex dungeon?

- Okay, yeah, fine. Jeff Epstein...

- Well, David Copperfield.

- David Copperfield. - Okay, yeah.

- Well, how do we get there?

- Did you say 100 miles north of here?

- Yeah. I mean, I don't really know basic,

you know, boat craft or--

Whoa, what are you--

- There's a couple guys in the world

that could get you 100 miles north of here

by the stars.

And one of them...

- Harriet Tubman.

- Is James Ron Dangle,

United States Coast Guard.

I mean, discharged. Asked to leave.

- You know the story. all: Yeah, yeah.

- For sure. - Well, wait, I mean,

have you all heard it? 'Cause I haven't--

- You don't need to-- - My and another fellow were

asked to leave the Coast Guard on the same day.

- Nah, we don't need to...

- Jim, what are you gonna do?

[heroic music]

* *

* *

- [whimpers] - Damn.

I am so over all of it.

Trudy, stop slobbing on me.

I'm tired of looking at Dangle's ass,

I'm hungry, and it's all your fault, Jones.

- My fault? - You found the Booze Cruise!

- My fault because I can type? - Actually, Dangle booked it.

- Dangle booked it.

- Clemmie, it's you!

You were the one who was supposed to get information,

instead of having a fuck nest!

- Excuse me, excuse me! - Don't you dare!

- This is a love fort!

- They're all just waiting to turn on me!

They all know that it was-- [loud thud]

Travis? Travis?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, guys! - Oh, my God.

[all gasp and cheer]

- Oh, my God.

[all laugh]

- Whoo! - Oh, wow.

- You did it, Jim.

You did it.

- Yeah! Yeah, Dangle.

- Followed the drinking gourd. [laughs]

- Welcome to, uh, Jeffrey Epstein's island.

You are now all our prisoners,

and will be taken to trial before Q!

- What? [guns cock]

[all whimper]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

- Clemmie, you're gonna need to decide.

Are you with me-- - I'm with you, yes!

- Okay, good. - Yes.

- Do you want to yell at the minions

and tell them-- - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, minions, you with the colorful face.

Take these losers away.

I'm sorry, but it's true. You're all losers.

Take them away! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Search their cavities.

Someone has something, I swear.

Sorry, not sorry!

[both laugh]

- Oh! I love our lives.

Oh.

[tense music]

* *

[indistinct radio chatter]

* *

- Hello?

* *

[dramatic music]

* *

* *

- I love the open concept.

* *

- I'm impressed, Sheriff.

- I'm actually not the sheriff.

I'm Lieutenant James Ron Dangle,

Reno Sheriff's Department.

Also, uh, amateur puppeteer. Almost went pro--

[yelps]

- So are you Q?

- [laughs]

Don't play stupid, Officer.

- She's not playing. That was a legitimate question.

- She's really not the bright.

- You should all be very happy with yourselves.

No one else has ever gotten this far.

So you came all this way to find out who Q really is.

- Yeah, that's right.

- Well, I'll tell you.

Years ago, a ship wrecked on this very island,

carrying a brilliant and deranged professor.

That professor...

- Was Q.

- Died in the wreck.

- Okay.

- But we found this...

in the wreckage.

* *

- Uh, brother man, that--

that's a Speak & Spell.

- Yes, it is.

Or, it was.

Time and providence,

and probably saltwater corrosion,

has altered its programming...

imbuing it...

and I'm not sure if I'm using the word "imbuing" correctly.

But it infused it--

it infused it... - Infused.

- With a dynamic, divine wisdom...

- Oh. Yeah, okay.

- That Q imparts and we disseminate.

- Oh, I get it.

So you guys are just batshit crazy.

- Wait.

Listen.

- Hmm? - And learn.

* *

[Speak & Spell chimes]

- Oprah has bears.

- [laughs]

- Oprah has bears.

Oprah has bears!

Let it be known that Oprah has bears.

Go to your mobile devices,

get the word out on 8chan.

- This is a dumb, dumb question.

This isn't how the whole thing works, right?

[nervous laughter]

It is-- - It is, definitely.

- That's words, and then you...

put the words on an 8chan.

- It actually checks out more than I would have thought.

- Yep. [Speak & Spell chimes]

- The flu is from France.

- It's true, because sometimes the flu is from France.

- But as often as not it's not, actually.

- Well, sometimes it is. [overlapping chatter]

- To the dungeon with them.

And go through the bunker. It's faster.

And tell Ron to set off that bomb.

The big one that will destroy the island.

- Oh, my God!

We will not-- you do not have to kill us!

You do not have to kill us!

- Go, go, go, go. - We won't remember!

- Come on. - Blow them up.

- Can I just ask you where you got that rag?

- Walmart.

- That's nice-- that's real nice.

- Clever, clever interlopers.

- We're not clever!

- Ow! Ow!

- Oh, hey, hey, ho!

- Sorry, I'm just a little excited right now.

I've, uh-- [clears throat]

I've always wanted a monologue,

a secret fortress with a smoking-hot vixen next to me.

- You do look hot, Clemmie.

- You look rad. - Damn!

- The whole thing. Show the whole thing.

- Look at that. Oh! - Yes, queen!

- Work! - Work.

- Marlene Dietrich in the front, Stevie Nicks in the back.

- [laughs] Oh.

- We've got the whole nerve center here,

feeding all the greatest hits into the algorithm.

You know, the standard conspiracies.

Moon landing faked, pumpkins aren't real,

Joe Rogan is a hologram.

The, uh, gluten-free diet, um, causes levitation.

Um, that's a really good one. Great work.

Now, of course, that you've, uh...

seen all of this,

I have to blow it up.

- What? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[all shouting]

- Silence! - I'm out!

- A bomb this exquisite can only be set in motion

by somebody as exquisite.

- Clemmie, what about all those great times that we had?

Remember all those great times we had?

- Suck it, monkeys.

- [laughs]

- Hey, cut it out. - Hey!

- Hey, now, Clemmie.

- Oh! - Come on now.

- Oh!

Anyway, we would love to stick around,

but we have to, um,

pack up a lot of money and pills, right?

- Money and pills. - Money and pills.

Glenn, to the dungeon.

[overlapping shouting]

- No, no, no, no, no!

No!

- Is this the first time you've had hour friends blown up?

It's hard the first time, but it gets easier.

- Does it? - It really does.

Trust me, sweetie.

[both giggle]

- But, really, what were they gonna live for?

Nothing.

- Sir? - Is there gonna be, like,

snacks or anything?

- Appeal to his humanity. Glenn, was it?

- Glenn? - Hey, Glenn.

- Oh, I have an itch! I have an itch!

- Is it bad that I feel like

I'm being threatened with a good time?

Just to state the obvious here,

this is a really nice sex dungeon.

- Yeah. - I'm on the mailing list

of the company that makes this domination gear.

They're an outfit out of Bruges called Pamplemousse & Thunder.

I mean, this is some of the nice stuff.

Some of this is actually next year's stuff, by the way.

Literally, they advertise

that your submissives will never escape.

So I don't want to be a bummer,

but this is really well made.

[beeping] - Warning.

Warning.

- Ron, thank you for changing my life.

I deserve this.

- Thank you for being the kind of person

whose life I wanted to change.

But all your friends, I mean...

I am blowing them up.

- Yeah.

About that, um...

- Listen, hey, gang,

I gotta tell you-- I gotta tell you something.

I--I really think this is it.

- Do you have to go to the restroom?

- No, I think we're really gonna die in here.

- Jones, don't say that! - Don't say that.

- Don't you say that!

- Even though it's probably true.

- It's kind of funny if you think about it.

all: No, no.

- You just missed the whole vibe right there.

- This is bad. This is really, really bad,

and I feel--I feel--

I feel sorry mostly for me and Rai-Rai,

'cause this-- this is really bad for us.

- Because of the optics? Guys, can we not agree

this sucks equally pretty much for all of us?

- No! No! No, we can't agree. - Yes! Yes!

- No. It looks worse for us, Jim.

- I think we should just kind of go with it.

If we're dying, we're dying.

But can we do it in silence?

- [sobbing] I think this is it.

I think we're all gonna die!

- I'm gonna bust you guys out of here.

[all cheer] - Thank you!

- Shh! Shut up!

[dramatic music]

- Sheriff's Department...

take a knee.

* *

Ron Mackleberg thinks he's about to blow us

to Q-dom come.

But I'll tell you right now, I think his math was wrong.

I think he miscounted by nine.

- Nice. - Here's the drill.

I am going to create

the perfect distraction.

Oh, fellas.

[whistles]

* Oh, it's little puppet Jimmy and friends *

* Coming to your town, coming 'round the bend *

* A place where... *

[necks crack]

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- Hey, sweet thing.

* *

- [gasps]

* *

- Hey! - [grunts]

* *

[beeping] - Cut it right about now.

[electricity crackles] Oh!

[screams]

- [grunts]

* *

Let's get the hell off this island.

* *

[both grunting]

- Hey, ladies!

You want a little piece of this?

* *

[grunting]

- Game over.

[grunts]

[whimpers]

[choking]

[both scream]

[crunching] - Ah!

* *

- [screams]

* *

[yelping]

* *

- [screams]

* *

[yelling]

* *

- [panting]

* *

[heroic music]

[chuckles]

And you...are... served.

[beeps] - You win.

- [laughs]

Any questions about the plan?

- Actually, I have a question. - Uh-huh?

- [whispering] I have a lot of questions about the plan.

So you want me to kill

two girls with my bare hands?

- I'm just a guy that had a plan and--

- You think I can defuse a bomb?

And shouldn't I be wearing safety glasses?

- I get--okay, everybody hates the plan.

- I don't mean to piss all over your really bitching plan...

- It's a pretty good plan. - But...

I kind of already roofied everybody.

I put it in everybody's clam lite lime beer.

all: Oh! - I'm sorry.

- A million times better.

Let's go stop that bomb!

- Does anybody remember how to get out of here?

- I'm definitely turned around.

[alarm blaring]

- Ron! - Ron! Come on!

- You got to tell us how to stop the bomb!

- You can't.

The guys who killed Khashoggi

traded it for an NFT.

It's un-defuseable.

- Ugh! - What?

- He's talking gibberish!

- You know what that means.

Someone has to get this bomb safely out to sea.

all: Not it.

- Obviously, I was gonna do it. Why volunteer?

Why would I step in and say that dramatically?

I'll do it. - That was really unclear, Jim.

- Fuck it, let's just get it out.

- You're acting like a martyr

and it's not a good look. - Fuck it!

[dramatic music]

* *

I'll get it past the breakwater

If anything happens, do not help me.

- We won't. - How could we?

- I want to tell you one very short story.

The doctors told my mama I would never dance.

Ever.

And I never did professionally.

[rapid beeping]

- Shit! - Shit!

Goddamn it.

* *

[dings] Wait.

I think I got it, actually.

[somber music]

* *

- Oh, no.

* *

- Damn.

Do you see that bandanna he had on?

That was mine.

You've been served.

- Now you guys are real heroes.

I mean, nobody can know.

- Yeah, sadly, this is all top secret.

From the FBI and the CIA, we want to thank you.

- Yeah.

[triumphant music]

* *

- * Ave *

* Maria *

- [sobbing]

- * Gratia *

* Plena *

* Maria, gratia plena *

* Maria, gratia plena *

[boat horn blowing distantly]

Well, gang, let's hit the bar.

[calypso music playing faintly]

* *

- Jim?

Jim, is that you?

Jim? - Dangle?

- Huh? Uh...

je ne parle pas anglais.

- What? - I'm someone else.

Oh, fuck it! Hey, guys.

Fuck! Goddamn it!

Fuck it.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

[guitar strums]

Good morning, gang.

- Morning.

- [humming]

[whistling]

The pig foot by the yard place,

they've inverted--

it's called inverted law enforcement discount.

- That mean we pay more?

- They're charging us more for what they feel like

we've done to the community in general.

Fair enough. - [sighs]

- We deserve it.

[lively guitar music]

* *

- Uh, mixed feelings

about being back here in the Silver State.

You know, in the perfect world

would I be living the cruise lifestyle,

doing my puppetry,

making that-- making that puppetry money?

Which--it's not--

I've never--I've never, ever done the puppetry

just for the money.

That said,

I've been doing it here on the streets a bit.

You know, and in many ways that's great,

'cause I'm also just outside, you know?

Just to be outside at all.

- Hey, no smoke inside!

- I'm putting it out. I'm already putting it out.

- I needed adventure, and I got it,

and I have a renewed sense of purpose.

And you're probably asking, well, what about Ron?

What about him?

If you're asking me as a deputy,

I have no idea about Ron.

If you're asking me as Clemmie

the woman, the goddess, um,

of course I know exactly where he is.

I'm not stupid.

I know a good thing when I see it.

Hey, handsome.

- Oh! - [chuckles]

- I waive my rights.

- I got to be honest.

I took a lot of money from Q.

And I would do it again.

But don't worry, I'm doing good things with it.

I brought all my friends along with me.

[all laugh]

Hey, I'm sorry I almost left you for dead.

- Forget it.

- It's all right. - It's forgotten.

- The important thing is you're here now.

- We are a family.

- Familia. - I love you guys.

all: Cheers!

[all whoop]

- What a beautiful night for an evening.

- Oh, it sure is.

To us.

- Stand behind me like this.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's human centipede it.

We'll do a human centipede Titanic.

all: Human centipede Titanic!

Human centipede Titanic!

Human centipede Titanic!

Human centipede Titanic! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Guys, we're crushing her uterus.

We're crushing her uterus.

- * Don't wanna stop * - * And our hearts *

* They beat as one *

* Ooh, yeah *

* No more love on the run *

* Yeah *

* *

* Caribbean Queen *

* Now we're sharing the same dream *

* And our hearts, they beat as one *

* Oh, yeah *

* No more love on the run *

* Yeah *