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1x05 - The Haunting of Bill Crouse

OK.

Here we go.

Sit properly?

Cheers.

Bill?

Mick Hucknall.

Hey, this is fun.

- It's been a good night so far. - Yes, it's been really good, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be honest, when Julie suggested

we get together, I was like no.

you know, I get set up a lot

by friends, and it never works out.

Tell me about it. Me too.

You know, I hate dates usually.

They should call dates "Spend some time with a big fat loser!"

But this has been brilliant.

Hey...

I was thinking, afterwards,

maybe you'd like to

come back to my place?

We could listen to the new Jamie Cullum album.

Maybe, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, that'd be... really nice actually.

Great.

Let me guess...

You're a...

red wine person?

Yes, yes I am!

I would be too, if we could get some service round here!

Yeah, you, Hucknall.

When you, when you Simply Ready?

Unbelievable.

Oh, I should say, um,

I don't really like sharing.

So you get what you want, I'll get what I want

we leave it at that. I just think it's a lot less confusing.

Sure, sure.

- Did you say Jamie Cullum? - Yeah.

I hate Jamie Cullum.

Oh, and, just to say,

"I don't really like sharing."

With the rising inflection and everything.

In a tapas restaurant, he doesn't like sharing.

What the heck is tapas?

You know, tapas,

- tiny food from Spain. - Oh, yes.

- Teipas. - Yeah, that's no how you say it.

Yes it is.

You're a teipas.

What else? What else?

What else?

Oh God, you should have seen him with the waiters.

- Rude? - Unbelievable!

Oh yeah, I used to work as a waiter.

If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

No, after.

Of course before! Why would I do it after?

Do you think they did that to him?

Okay, well. While he was eating,

did you ear anyone laughing?

Like... in the kitchen area.

Yes!

Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

That'll be trouser food.

- Oh God! - Yeah.

Probably a good thing you weren't sharing.

My God!

I could have saved you the trouble.

That guy is famous, he's a mouth.

They call him "The News"

because he was always talking about who he slept with.

I would honestly rather sleep with a rat.

Literally.

The thing I cannot understand yet, this:

this is a man Julie on 5th thinks is perfect for me,

I mean what was she thinking?

Wait a second.

- Who do you know on 5th? - Why?

What was the name, was it Judy or Julie?

Why do you need to know?

No reason.

Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.

Looking for an in, aren't we?

An in? No!

Thank you, no.

Don't use my name to start leching around on 5th.

For your information, I do not lech

I have a little more class than that, thank you very much.

- Post. - Thank you.

Oh no, this is wrong.

A lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morgan Foreman.

I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.

Cathy Morgan Foreman, who is Cathy Morgan Foreman?

Cathy works in...

Cathy works in the department of Shulupust.

- Department of what? - Oh excuse me, that's my phone ringing.

- I didn't hear anything? - It's on vibrate.

Hello?

Hello, Cathy!

Yes, you parcel did arrive, I'm keeping it here safe for you.

No problem at all Cathy Morgan Foreman.

If he comes by...

Right. If who comes by?

The News.

Yes, right?

If he calls,

just tell him something.

- Leave it with me! - Great!

Although I should just say I'm not very good at lying.

I'm very good at lying.

I thought you were on the phone!

Yeah, I am.

Yes, that's fine.

Hello?

Listen Moss, you're not going to Court, yeah?

Just tell him something.

It's just... I've never been very good at judging the scale

- of the lie... - Yes, stop over thinking everything.

- I couldn’t do it when I was a child, - You're getting yourself in a tease,

I told a whopper and...

Just tell him I'm busy!

You're busy!

That's brilliant!

Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.

No!

You're busy!

Hey, um, what was the name of that girl,

that Jen knows, was it Julie or Judy?

Yes, one of those.

Okay, I'm just going to go for a letch on fifth.

Yes.

Look! I told you she's busy!

Hey, back off, bastard! This lady's busy!

Too busy for you.

Busy!

Brilliant!

- Hello? - Hello!

I'm just looking for Jen.

I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment.

She's very busy.

- Is she? - She's a busy Miss Lizzy!

Good bye!

What is she doing?

She's doing fine.

Not how is she doing, what is she doing?

- Is she in here? - No.

I won't keep her, I want to give her these.

- Don't give her. - I'll give her these.

- She won't like them. - She won't mind!

She will mind.

It's not a problem. I won't take any time.

Look, why can't I go in?

Because she's dead!

What?

Yeah, she's dead. She... she died.

She died last night.

She died?!

Yeah!

Completely.

Oh God!

Fuck!

I just can't believe it!

Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?

No, no of course, of course not.

Oh God!

Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.

I mean...

Was it the food?

- The tapas, do they know? - Teipas!

I don't know.

Yes it was, why not.

Oh Jesus!

I know it's terrible, but,

thank God, we weren't sharing.

I just can't get over it.

Yeah, well,

we all have to go sometime.

It's terrible, it's just terrible!

It's bloody awful!

She was so beautiful!

She was some piece of ass.

Anyhow, can't mourn all the ruddy day, so...

You know...

I was the last person to sleep with her.

- Really? She said that... - What?

She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.

I can't believe he lied like that.

Doesn't he realise that lying can lead to very serious ramifications?

Hello?

Hello!

I'm Roy!

I.T.

My boss has assigned me to any work you might want done...

personally.

personal... personally.

Basically, if you want to

just take my card.

And...

if you need anything done

to your computer,

just give me a buzz, on me phone. It's my mobile phone, so

you won't have to go through all that call waiting...

Lover.

Okay, thank you, Roy.

You're welcome, Judy.

Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.

Judy?

Someone to see you!

This man says you should take his card.

The girl from I.T., that's terrible.

I know, terrible, terrible thing.

You know, I was actually the last person to sleep with her.

Very sudden, yes.

I heard it was some bad tapas.

Teipas.

Yes.

You must be stunned.

I'm flabbergasted

Well, you know where we are if you need us.

Sure, I'll be fine, thanks.

Just sort of stay away from this whole area,

while we come to terms with the loss.

Leave me now, I would be alone.

Good lech?

No!

The girl, oh my God, the girl, Judy, she's a...

- Have you seen this girl? - What's she like?

- Well, she has hair on her eyes. - Who has hair on her eyes?

- Not you. - No.

I'm going for a coffee, anyone wants anything?

No? Okay, bye!

- Hello? - Hello?

Hello Judy?

What can I do for you?

Computer is broken!

Is it a PC or a Mac?

Yes!

Well, what's wrong with it?

Broken down!

Yeah, broken down how, Judy?

- Big bang noise! - Big bang noise, what...

What's the precise nature of the problem?

MIO (My Input Output)

Judy, the battery of my phone is...

- Look at this. - What?

How nice is this?

I just got a big load of flowers,

and a big card!

And everyone has signed it!

"You will always be in our heart!"

My God! And you said they weren't nice here!

Yeah.

I don't understand why they've done this?

Why?

I'll tell for why.

It's because everyone thinks you're brilliant!

- Really? - Yeah!

And in fact, everyone thinks you're so brilliant,

they've just made you Employee of the Month.

- No? - Yes!

- No? - Yes!

- No! - Yaha!

I don't believe it!

- Please believe it. - Oh my God!

I didn't even know they had Employee of the Month here.

No, they brought it in just for you.

I'm gonna go up and thank everybody right now.

No! Don't do that!

What? Why not?

They'll be embarrassed.

It's embarrassing being thanked.

Don't be silly.

Events seem to be taking a downward turn.

I told you, stop calling me at work!

Nice and beautiful Jen!

Hello, Small Pall!

Didn't... Are you... I thought you were sick or something.

Sick? Me? No!

I couldn't be better, I've just won Employee of the Month.

So, um, you're going my way?

Don't you dare going too fast, no!

Just...

hard to get your head round, you know?

One minute, she's there and

next minute...

just gone.

You know,

I was the last person that slept with her actually.

She held on so tightly, you know, it was like...

scary, but,

sexy scary, you know, just like...

Jen?!

It was her!

What are you still doing here Bill, for God sake, go home!

He was the last person to sleep with her.

I know... Apparently, she was pretty hard stuff!

Bye, Small Paul!

Bye Jen, see you.

Oh dear, oh Lord!

At this dreadful hour

we're all reminded how brief our time is here on Earth.

Sorry, who is it who died?

I don't know.

I believe Mr. Renholm has a few words.

There's one more angel in Heaven.

God, I miss Jen!

She reminded me of me, at her age.

I mean, when I was her age,

she reminded me of her age.

She reminded me of my age at her age.

When I was her age,

she was reminded of me?

I truly liked Jen.

And that en-likening of her became a friendship.

A friendship which ended so suddenly,

just twelve hours ago...

After... what I gather, was a rather sensational evening with Bill Crouse!

Bill, you dog!

Where is he?

Still cleaning himself off.

She was special.

So special in fact,

that when I called my close personal friend

Elton John and told him about her,

he dropped everything,

and offered to come here and perform for us!

You heard me, he's in the building!

Elton John is going to sing a beautiful song

about death.

Oh my God, this is so...

so lovely

Thank you, so, so much!

Tank you, thank you, oh God!

Could I, say a few words?

Oh my God!

Thank you, so, so much!

I would...

I would not be standing up here today

if it wasn't for so many things but, not least,

- Without him... - Hey, she isn't dead!

Yeah!

You lying cow!

We want Elton!

We want Elton! We want Elton! We want Elton!

Okay!

If that Judy woman comes down, I don't work here,

you've never seen me, just make up something,

just get rid of her!

She's easy to spot, she's has three rows of teeth.

Listen, if I needed to get out of the country, very, very cheaply,

how would I go about doing that?

Hey you!

What did you say about me?

Hello there, Jen!

I would love to stay and chat,

but, I've just received a telephone call,

saying that my father has just killed someone.

I need to attend to.

Did you tell everyone I was dead?

Maybe?

Because, um,

they all thought I was dead.

- I know something. - What? What do you know?

Bill Crouse, he's saying he slept with you last night.

He's saying what?

He think you're dead,

so he's telling everybody you slept with him.

He's the one you should be angry at!

Not me! I'm insignificant!

Bastard!

Voicemail!

Hey!

It's Jen!

Stop telling everyone I slept with you!

You bastard!

Must have gone home.

Oh God, my throat hurts.

Well, it's probably all that shouting.

I'm talking, aren't I?

Can you get me his address?

Yes, it might be a bit difficult.

I have to hack into his private company account,

it might take some time.

There we go.

Oh, I really don't feel very well.

Well, you look terrible.

I'm still talking, aren't I?

You have one new message.

Hey!

It's Jen!

Stop telling people I slept with you!

You bastard!

Where Roy?

Roy is dead!

No, no! Don't breakdown!

Don't break down, you bitch!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Bloody hell!

Why you do that to me when I need this chance?

Oh for God's sake! Now my car is bloody open

and I don't know what it means!

Come on, come on Ritchley... Street, Ritchley Street.

My God, okay, I'm... Right.

Probably guys, probably guys,

leaving message, funny message,

probably, Bob, it's Bob leaving funny messages.

And the, the floating head.

It's all stress,

a bit stress is all and... just fun and games.

Oh God!

Oh God!

Let me in! Let me in Bill!

No!

It's raining! Please, let me in!

No, you're never coming in!

Stop telling people I slept with you!

I will! I will! I'm sorry!

Bastard!

You bastard!

Oh no! I'm sorry!

You bastard!

Small Paul, you're gone now.

You pushed that trolley a little too hard,

You felt a twinge, it was your heart and you're dead now...

And now you're running four feet in heaven...

- Did you know him? - No.

I don't think that's Elton John.