Original subtitles

[music playing]

Hey Chuck, Chuck.

Got a great idea for a dance routine.

It's the old fashioned and the new.

Now the girls, we got the cross girls split in half, see?

They're the modern girls, and the old fashioned girls

are behind.

Now the light's on the modern girls first,

and they're really giving it this stuff.

You know, dum, dum dum dum.

Hi, hi, hey hey.

[inaudible] You know all the things,

and wearing out the clothes on the inside.

You know [inaudible]

[laughing]

Then, then the lights go off on them,

and the old tiller girls come out.

You know, you remember the Rockettes?

[imitating music]

And then back to--

[imitating music]

Lights go out, and the girls come out.

And everybody of course stands and applauds,

because it's a very old show business, you know.

[imitating music]

How about that, Chuck?

Do you think a routine like that could work?

Oh, hiya Danny.

[laughter]

What do you mean hiya, Danny?

What are you puffing about?

Charlie, I'm talking about the show.

Will you pay attention? This is important.

- That's important? - Yeah.

My wife's going to have a baby any second, you

call something else important?

I'm waiting for her to call me.

Charlie Char-- will you please relax?

You've been as nervous as a bubble dancer in a pin factory.

Will you sit down?

Danny, I told her to call me.

I told her to keep me informed.

Why doesn't she call me?

I'd better call her.

Charlie, you don't have to call.

Believe me, when your wife is ready to have the baby,

she'll let you know.

Maybe she'll forget.

[laughter]

That's-- that's one of her big, big faults.

She forgets. She forgets.

If I don't remind her, she never remembers anything.

- Charlie. - Now look, I tell you.

When I left, I should've pinned a note on her.

Have baby.

[laughter]

If you don't settle down, they're

going to pin a note on you.

Now sit down.

[phone ringing]

Charlie, Charlie.

Charlie, answer the phone.

Charlie?

Charlie, what are you going?

You never answered the phone.

Where are you going, Charlie?

[inaudible]

I got to go.

Go where, Charlie?

Hospital, the baby.

Charlie, for goodness sakes, answer the phone.

You told her to call you.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, yeah.

Hello. My darling.

Listen my darling.

Don't-- don't panic.

I'll be right there.

Yes, to to stroke your brow, to hold your hand,

to kiss your cheek.

Oh, I'm sorry sir.

[laughter]

What?

You want to make a reservation?

Look, will you please-- don't bother

me with reservations now.

And would you get off the phone?

You're tying up the line.

How did he get my private number?

This may come as a complete shock to you,

but you just hung up on a cash customer.

Who cares about cash?

Who cares about customers?

Charlie, will you settle down please?

Sit down.

Sit down like a nice fellow.

You've got a business coming.

You're not the first man in the world to have a baby, you know.

I know, I know.

But I'm the first man to have my baby.

[laughter]

She said she'd call and she didn't.

She's not going to call you now.

Will you please sit down?

She can't call you now. - Why?

Why not?

She's not going to have the baby now.

Why?

It's only 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

What difference does that make?

It's an unwritten law.

Babies are never born during normal hours.

Always 3:00 4:00 in the morning.

That'll make it more--

What?

Bonnie is a heavy sleeper, she's liable to sleep right

through it.

You know something?

You're out of your mind.

Charlie, pay attention.

Sit down, will you?

Will you relax? - Yeah.

Get your mind on business please?

On business.

Take a deep breath.

Good.

Stretch out.

Now get it out of your mind.

Out of your mind. - Out of my mind.

- It's out of your mind? - Out of my mind.

Beautiful.

Now, about the show.

[phone ringing]

[charlie babbling]

Charlie, will you answer the phone?

Charlie, were you going?

That's the closet.

[inaudible]

The hospital.

Wait a second for the hospital, and find out first.

What's going on?

Hello?

Hello.

Oh hi, Kathy honey.

Oh?

Just stand around talking.

How's Bonnie?

She's with you.

Well it's wonderful.

Hey, wait a bit honey.

You can relax.

Bonnie is at our house.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah honey-- - At your house?

I don't want her to have the baby at your house.

She's got to have the baby in the hospital.

Charlie, wait a minute.

Taxi!

Honey, I better go before Charlie has a baby in a cab.

And I saw these in the store window,

and I couldn't resist buying them.

Aren't they darling?

Oh, they certainly are, Bunny.

But these are all the same things

that you got at your shower.

Well, yes, but, you know, you can never tell when you'll

need doubles of everything.

Listen, do you think when a woman waits

as long as I have to have a baby she gets

a little nuttier than usual?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

But you just go ahead and be as kooky as you like.

Yeah.

You're going to have plenty time to get down to earth

after your son is born.

Well, Louise, what makes you so sure it's going to be a boy?

What else you going to have?

A set of dishes?

Louise, isn't there the slightest possible chance

I might have a little girl?

Uh-uh.

Well, Louise, you must know something

Dr. Clark doesn't know.

He doesn't know whether it's going to be a boy or girl.

Oh, you paying attention to them doctors?

All they do is examine you.

I look, and I see a boy.

I'm telling you, she's here.

She's here. - [inaudible]

- Bunny? - Bunny, Bunny, Bunny!

Will you kindly tell your husband that you're all right?

Look at thim.

Tell him, will you, please? - Bonnie.

- I'm fine! - Hello, sweetheart.

Don't worry about anything!

I got a cab downstairs!

The motor's running, we won't waste a minute

Charley, what's with you?

I told you she's not going to have the baby today.

You're not going to have the baby yet?

Well, honey, Dr. Clark said it was going

to be a couple of days yet.

A couple of days?

What's it coming on, a slow freight?

Oh, Charley, you can't rush nature.

Nature has nothing to do with this.

It's her!

I think you're doing this on purpose!

You're holding back just to aggravate me.

Y- y- you're holding back my boy!

Charley, I am not doing it to aggravate you!

Can't just see the suspense is killing me?

Why can't you have the baby right now?

Well, I have a reason.

What's the Reason?

I can't have it now, because this afternoon,

I'm entered the high hurdles in a track meet.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Oh, go ahead!

Make with the jokes, be smug.

You know I can't have the baby without you,

so you're going to play it for all it's worth, huh?

Oh, Charley, calm down.

You're going all to pieces.

You two are together.

You're all together! You're women.

Oh, boy!

You've got a monopoly on it.

A monopoly!

Nobody can have babies except you!

You want to know something?

I don't think you should be trusted

with the responsibility.

With everything that modern science has invented,

why can't they come up with a simple little thing like a way

so men could have babies?

If they only could.

Thanks a lot.

I like it the way it is.

Why don't you go lie down for a little while now?

You need some rest.

That's a good idea, Danny.

He hasn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.

Yeah, come on, Charley.

You just get [inaudible].

Everything'll be fine.

[inaudible]

[musical flourish]

All I have to say is I just can't

wait until you're able to cross the street by yourself!

Well, I don't think it's fair to argue with me!

Why didn't you tell Mommy of that?

Shh! Hey, kids.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Why should I talk to Mother?

You're the one who's got to cross the street!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, stop it!

Hey, Potash and Perlmutter, come down here and be quiet.

Uncle Charley is trying to get some sleep.

He's very nervous.

Now, be quiet.

Why is he nervous?

Because he's going to be a father.

And that's why he's nervous?

Yeah, that's why he's nervous.

You be quiet now.

He's been very upset.

Were you upset when I was born, Dad?

Upset?

I sweat you out something awful.

Oh, that explains it.

Explains what?

What you've been doing all these years--

getting back at me.

Go put your things away, will you?

And be quiet.

Charley, what are you doing up?

Oh, it's no use, Danny.

I just can't sleep. I can't.

Where's Bunny? Where did she go?

Where'd she go? What happened?

To the hospital?

Hey, every time you-- will you relax?

- What? - She's with Kathy.

They went to the supermarket.

To the supermarket? In her condition?

What's the difference?

That's all I need for-- for her-- for the baby

to be born in the supermarket!

Supermarket!

Oh my gosh!

What if there's a mistake--

there's a mixup?

A mixup?

I'm liable to become the father of a plucked chicken!

Boy, you need something to calm you down.

Here, here. Sit down.

I'll get you something. Just relax.

Uncle Charley?

When the baby's born, may I play with her?

No, you can't play with her.

Well, why not?

Because it ain't going to be a her-- it's going to be a him.

No offense, honey.

I mean, how would it sound--

now playing quarterback for Notre Dame--

Gladys Halper?

Ech!

But Johnny Halper?

Oh, I can see it all now.

He comes out on the field.

The folks-- the whole stand get up on their feet--

all the people.

And they start cheering, yay, Johnny!

Yay, Johnny!

And-- and-- and then they-- they line up for the kickoff--

hey?

The referee raises his whistle.

A hush falls on the stadium.

That boy better be born soon, or he'll be late for the game.

What are you trying to do, sneak up on people?

What, are you some kind of wiseguy?

Boy, are you ever a wreck!

Yeah, I'm glad I'll never be a father.

All right, children, children.

Leave Uncle Charley alone. Now, don't bother him.

Go on, run off.

Do your homework or something, huh?

Here, here, Charley. - What is it?

- Take one of these. - What?

- Tranquilizers. - Tranquilizers?

Yeah. Here, take one.

Good for her. Here.

Do you some good.

You're so nervous.

Generally, one is enough, but in your case,

two-- two'll be better.

Here, you think-- it won't hurt you.

Take it.

And I'll tell you what else I'll do--

I'll put a couple in an envelope here for you.

And tomorrow, if you still feel nervous-- high-strung--

you take another one. Understand?

Yeah, yeah.

Gee, thanks, Danny.

I tell you, I'm ashamed of myself for behaving like this.

It's all right.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Here, put them in your pocket there.

Look, you should have seen me.

When Rusty was born, I did sillier

things you never dreamed of.

Yeah, like what?

I run all through the maternity ward

passing out cigars.

What's silly about that?

To the babies?

- Oh, Danny. - No, I mean it.

Oh, no, you're just trying to make me feel good.

No, I'm not, Charley.

Oh, there they are.

It's about time!

You picked a fine time to go shopping!

And what are you doing carrying heavy bundles?

You are-- you are like a kid!

I can't let you out of my eyesight!

[interposing voices]

Would you come downstairs?

Let's get a newspaper, and we'll get some fresh air.

What do you say? - I can't, I can't!

Yes, you can.

What if it happens?

Oh, Charley, I will be all right!

- Sure, she will! - Yeah, OK.

But promise me one thing.

What?

Don't have anything till I get back!

Oh, I promise, I promise!

Come on, will you?

Leave her alone.

Kathy, I do not know what I'm going to do with that man.

I don't know which is going to come first-- my baby

or his nervous breakdown.

Oh, honey, don't worry about him.

They've never lost a father yet.

Oh.

Oh, dear, I've told Danny 1,000

times not to leave pills around where

the children can get them.

Pills?

Tranquilizers.

Oh.

Bunny.

Why don't you give Charley a couple of these?

You know, it'll calm him down.

Well, I don't know if he'll take them.

You know, Charley wants to be alert-- ready

for the big event.

Well, couldn't you slip them in a glass of milk or something

like that when he goes to bed tonight?

Hmm.

If you do, he'll never know.

[musical flourish]

[music playing]

You know, I've been [inaudible]---- oh, help me.

Is there-- is there any signs yet?

No, no, no, no, no, no, honey.

Everything is fine. - No signs?

And look, I heated up some warm milk for you--

it'll help you sleep. Go on, drink it.

I can't sleep.

How can I sleep?

I'm one big peeled nerve.

Oh.

Please, just try.

No, no, no, no.

All the way-- let me see the bottom of the glass.

Go!

Oh, good.

Good boy.

Now, that'll help you relax, darling.

Now you go ahead.

You go on and go to sleep,

Good night, honey.

I-- I don't understand people.

What am I getting excited about it?

I got to get rest.

This is ridiculous.

I'll drive myself to the grave when the baby's born.

I find myself all--

oh.

That's great.

I'm really a wreck.

Oh, boy, I got to pull myself together.

This is wrong.

This is wrong.

You're in no shape, [inaudible].

[inaudible] baby [inaudible].

I-- I'll take a pill.

Take a pill-- and I'll be like a new man.

Ah!

Mmm, that's nice.

Boy!

If I just get--

if I could j--

[mutters nonsense]

I-- I'll never.

I'll take another pill.

[inaudible] Ah, this is ridiculous.

What am I taking tranquilizers?

They won't put me to sleep.

I know the way I--

Whoa!

Charley?

Ch- Ch- Charley?

Ch- Ch- Charley?

Ooh hoo, Charley?

Charley, ooh hoo?

Ooh.

Charley.

Charley, dear, wake up.

Wake up.

Charley.

Charley. Ch- Charley!

Huh?

What?

Ch- Charley!

Charley?

Are you awake? - Huh?

Are you awake?

Sure.

Oh, thank heavens.

No!

Charley, dear!

Charley, I- I- I think it's time.

T- time for what?

For the baby!

Hmm?

Charley!

Charley, we have to get to the hospital!

I'm having the baby right now!

Good girl.

Charley!

Charley!

Look, I'm going to have the baby.

Now we have to get to the hospital.

Well, you-- you go-- you go ahead,

honey, and have a good time.

Oh!

Charley, come on, now.

Get-- get out of bed, honey. Upsidaisy.

- What? - Come on.

Come on, upsidaisy, now.

Ah!

Now, Charley, look, dear.

This is the telephone-- telephone.

Yeah.

Now, call-- call the doctor, and I'll go

get my things ready.

Oh, my!

Nobody home.

Oh, Charley!

Oh, what is the m--

wh-- what could have done this?

I only gave him two tranquilizers.

Come on, Charley, dear.

Let's walkie, walkie, now. Come on.

Huh?

Upsidaisy!

Upsidoodle, now.

Let's just walk a little bit here.

You'll-- calm on.

Calm on.

Calm on, dear!

Ooh-ee!

All right, now.

Hey, you're a--

you're a good dancer!

Oh!

Cha-cha!

No cha-cha, Charley!

Ah, cha-cha!

No cha-cha!

The only way to fly!

[music playing]

H- how do you do?

I'm Mrs. Halper, and I'm having a baby.

And has anybody asked for me?

- No, no. - Oh, I see.

All right, well, honey, why don't you stand over

here till Danny and Kathy come?

Stay right there.

It's Mrs. Charles Halper, and I have a [inaudible]..

This is Charles--

Yes.

This is the father?

Yes, he's very nice-- honey, shape up and look

like a father, will you?

[inaudible]

Yes, and [inaudible].

Bunny, your phone call scared me half to death!

What's the m--

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

[gasps] What happened to Charley?

Well, I don't know.

He has been a nervous wreck for nine months waiting

for this baby, and now the night of the big event,

he suddenly lost interest!

Where's Danny?

Oh, he'll be here.

He's just parking the car. - Oh!

- What's the matter? - Oh, honey, um--

Look at Charley!

What's wrong with Charley?

I don't know-- he's just not interested!

Not interested?

Oh, he's just suffering from shock, that's all.

Hey, boy, the baby's coming. - Huh?

What? - Hey, [inaudible].

- The baby's coming. - The baby.

Baby?

Going to have a baby!

[interposing voices]

- Baby, baby! - Baby, baby!

[interposing voices]

Hey, yeah, the baby's coming!

Baby, baby, baby!

No, listen.

Charley, Charley, Charley, Charley.

Listen to me, boy. Come on, come on.

Pull yourself together, man.

You're going to be a father.

Here, here, here. Prop yourself up here.

- Bunny, has he been drinking? - Come here.

Come on. Prop yourself up here.

He acts drunk!

I wish he were drunk-- he'd make more sense.

Uh, M- Mrs. Halper have any hospitalization?

Yeah, yeah.

Give me-- give me the car, honey.

I'll take.

It's in his pocket-- the card's in his pocket.

In his pocket, OK.

[inaudible]

It's a pocket-- in the inside pocket.

[inaudible] Will you hold still, Charley?

Oh, hey, I got it.

I got it.

The father will have to sign [inaudible]..

Charley? Charley!

Hey! Open up!

Open!

I got to have him.

[inaudible] I need this one.

Hey, Hey!

Come on, Charley.

NURSE: Th- th- the father has to sign the admission papers.

All right. Get up off your knees.

You got to sign the administration papers.

[inaudible] - Oh!

Will you please come on?

Get up.

Can you sign the paper?

Here.

Sign your name, Charles Halper.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Look, could I sign for him?

Oh, please sign for him! Charley, do me a favor.

Here, here. Sit down, sit down.

There we go.

All right.

[loud crashing]

It seems we have a reckless driver in our midst.

Oh, Dr. Clark, am I glad to see you?

Well, what happened to Mr. Halper?

Well, I don't know.

He was just kind of nervous, you know, and all upset.

Oh, sure.

I-- I guess it might have been the tranquilizers he took.

Oh.

Oh, it can't be.

I only gave him two.

Oh, no.

Well, what's the matter?

Well, I-- I gave him two in some

milk before he went to bed.

That means he's had four!

Well, no wonder he's goofy with four tranquilizers in him.

Four?

He's had six?

I gave them two for the road, and-- and they're gone.

You mean this man has had six tranquilizers

in the last few hours?

I'm afraid so.

Nurse, you better cancel that reservation for a single room.

We're going to need a double.

You mean Charley's going to be with me?

Yes, but I'm afraid he won't be much company

with six tranquilizers in him.

Chances are, he won't wake up until long

after the baby is born.

Oh!

What?

What's the matter, Bunny?

I'm going to pull a dirty trick on Charley.

What, what?

When he wakes up, I'm going to tell him he had the baby!

[music playing]

You know, between the innocence of babyhood

and the dignity of manhood, we find a delightful creature

called the boy.

And boys are found everywhere-- on top of, underneath,

inside of, climbing on, swinging from,

running around, or jumping to.

Mothers love them.

Little girls hate them.

Older sisters and brothers tolerate them.

Adults ignore them, and heaven protects them.

A boy is truth with dirt on its face,

beauty with a cut on his finger, wisdom with bubble gum

in its hair--

and the hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.

And when you're busy, a boy is an inconsiderate, bothersome,

intruding, jangle of noise.

And when you want him to make a good impression,

his brain turns to jelly, or else he

becomes a savage, sadistic, jungle creature

bent on destroying the world and himself with it.

Nobody else is so early to rise or so late to supper.

Nobody else gets so much fun out of trees and dogs and breezes.

Nobody else can cram into one pocket

a rusty knife, a half-eaten apple, three feet a string,

an empty Bull Durham sack, two gumdrops, $0.06, a slingshot,

a chunk of unknown substance, and a genuine supersonic code

ring with a secret compartment.

A boy is a magical creature.

You can lock him out of your workshop,

but you can't lock him out of your heart.

You can get him out of your study,

but you can't get him out of your mind.

Might as well give up.

He?

Is your captor, your jailer, your boss, and your master.

The freckled faced, pint-sized, cat chasing bundle of noise.

But when you come home at night with only the shattered pieces

of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new

with the two magic words--

hi, Dad.

In case you haven't already guessed, the Halpers had a boy,

and mother and son are doing just fine.

And, uh, oh yeah, Papa's all right, too.

[music playing]