Original subtitles

[theme music]

Come on, kids.

Now, don't dawdle.

You better hurry up or you'll be late for school.

I'm through.

Coming, shrimp, or are you going to cross

the street by yourself?

No, I want to wait a minute until Daddy comes down.

I want to ask him for something.

Like what?

Like a new pair of skates.

I broke a wheel out of my old pair.

You are going to ask Dad for a new pair of skates

before he's even had his first cup of coffee?

That's right.

Oh, kid.

You must be in an awful hurry to lose your baby teeth.

What do you mean?

It is suicide to ask him for anything

before he's had his breakfast.

It is?

Well you have a lot to learn about parents psychology.

I do?

Do you know what word parents use

more often than any other word in the English language?

No.

That's the word, no.

When you ask a parent for something,

the odds are they're going to say no.

So you got to improve the percentages.

Well, how do you do that?

DANNY: Kathy!

KATHY: Yeah?

DANNY: Breakfast ready?

KATHY: On the table.

I don't know why I'm going to stick my neck out for you,

but I am.

Now, don't ask him for the skates

until I give you the nod, OK?

OK.

Good morning, Dad.

Good morning.

Good morning, Daddy.

How'd the show go last night?

Please, don't remind me.

Oh, tough audience?

He wasn't an audience.

He was a jury.

Oh, he may have started out that way.

But I'll bet before the night was over,

you had him in the palm of your hand.

You know your dad pretty good, don't you?

Oh.

Yes sir, I certainly do.

I mean-- I mean, I know the way you work.

You-- you never quit.

Yeah.

Take a tip for me, son.

Don't go into show business.

It sure takes a lot out of you.

Oh, I don't know.

You don't look like it's taking anything out of you.

You look great, more handsome than ever.

Oh.

Thank you, son.

[WHISPERING] Now?

Not yet.

Not yet.

What do you mean not yet?

Hmm?

What's not yet?

Oh, did that sound like not yet?

Yeah, it sounded like not yet.

I meant the knot you get--

A knot I get?

Yeah, yeah, the knot you get in your tie--

when you tie your tie.

Oh. I like it.

Yeah.

I wish you'd show me how to tie them like that.

Oh.

Why don't you remind me some evening?

I will.

You know, when you got a dad with good taste,

why not take advantage of it?

That's what I always say. Right, Linda?

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Is that coffee hot enough?

Shall I get you some fresh?

No, this is fine.

It's fine, thank you.

Good news, you got a letter from Uncle Tonoose

this morning. - Really?

Yeah, it's right there on top of the pile.

Wow.

That is good news.

You always enjoy hearing from Uncle Tonoose, don't you?

Yes.

I certainly do.

He writes the most comical letters.

It kind of starts a day off right, doesn't it?

Make things kind of bright and cheery.

Yes, it certainly does.

Daddy dear.

What are you--

Daddy, lover.

What do you mean he's going to send me your cousin?

Daddy?

What do you want?

Can I have a new pair of roller skates?

No, you certainly cannot.

Get out of here.

My kids taking advantage of me, my uncle takes advantage of me.

Everybody takes-- Kathy!

Kathy!

What are you, some kind of a nut?

What do you want from me?

The wind changed.

I can't help it.

Uncle Tonoose wrote him something in his letter.

Oh, come on.

Why does everybody take me for a pet?

What-- all I need to do is witness some kid

who wants to be a comic? Oh.

Oh, honey.

It won't hurt you to devote a few hours to a relative.

Few hours?

You realize what this entails to take

a green kid polish his act?

Take him out, and get managers to see him in audition, trying

to get him an agent, get him a few bookings,

plus doing three shows a night?

And all go to an Uncle of mine thinks I'm a machine.

Holy smokes.

Why does he have to send the kid to me?

Well, after all, he is your cousin.

And you know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I say?

We need thicker water and thinner blood.

That's nice.

Oh, Danny, stop growling.

It wouldn't hurt you to give the boy a little help.

Everybody needs some help one time or another.

It wouldn't hurt people to do things on their own

either, you know.

Oh, honey, think a minute.

Don't be such a grouch.

You know, it seems to me that both of us

remember a certain fellow from Ohio

with a funny nose who needed all the help

he could get the first time he landed in the big town.

He knocked around plenty looking for a break.

Yeah.

I remember that pretty well.

Now, look at him.

One of the greatest comedians of our time.

Known all over the world.

Oh, stop exaggerating.

I was exaggerating?

Everybody knows Bob Hope.

Yeah, that's--

Bob Hope?

Bob Hope?

Hi, Charley.

- Hi, Dan. - The kid get here yet?

No.

I told him to be here at 1 o'clock.

Well, if we're lucky, maybe he got lost.

Oh, Charley.

Don't give me, oh, Charley.

Why do you drag me into your family problems?

I got nothing to do but interview

kids who want to be comics.

What am I going to do?

He's my fifth cousin.

I can't say no to a relative.

I can say no to him.

I'm not a relative.

I'm just a friend who would like to be a total stranger.

It's not like you.

Here's a kid, he comes to the big town.

His hat and his hand begging for a break.

Is it going to hurt you to listen to him?

Look, you might be discovering a new star.

Oh, come on.

Why?

It happened before, you know.

Matter of fact, you and I know pretty well

who that happened to.

Yeah.

I take it you're referring to that scared

kid fresh from Ohio.

The one with the funny nose.

That's the one.

I gave him his first break.

Yeah, Charley, and I'll always be grateful for that.

You'll always be grateful because I helped Bob Hope?

By the way, your wife wants you to bring

home 2 pounds of corned beef.

That's what I thought.

Oh, speaking of messages, Sam Weisbord called this morning.

He wants you to appear in a benefit

at the Madison Square Garden.

Wants me to appear at the garden?

Yeah.

He's out of his mind.

You're not going to do it?

Certainly not.

Me doing a solo comic act in front of 25,000 people

over a loudspeaker system?

I'll lay an egg big enough to feed them all.

You know, I know it's a tough house, but Sam said he's stuck

and needs another act.

That's too bad.

Tell him to get the Marine Band or something

or a circus sideshow.

Why don't he get an elephant?

I told him that.

That's when they thought of you.

Maybe they show you on profile.

Oh, shut up.

Now look, let's forget all about the Madison Square Garden.

When the kid gets here, treat him gently, will you?

It is his sense to be shy especially in front of me.

I mean, according to Uncle Tonoose

he's got me on some kind of a pedestal.

Well, it's not unusual, you know.

A lot of kids going for some kind of hero worship.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some take Roy Rogers, others take Mickey Mantle,

others take John F. Kennedy.

He took me.

Well, sure.

All the good ones were taken.

You don't want to play the Garden?

When I decide to commit suicide, I'll play the Garden.

[phone buzzing]

Yeah?

OK, send him in.

He's here.

Be nice to him, hear?

Well, Don, how are you, son?

I haven't seen you in a long time.

How are things at home? - Fine.

Thank you. - Good, good, good.

Now, don't you worry. Don't be nervous.

I'm going to do everything I can to help you.

Uncle Tonoose said to say, [arabic]..

You tell him I said, [speaking arabic]..

Now, come and meet Mr. Helper, who owns the Copa.

Nice to meet you.

My cousin, Don Penny.

Glad to meet you, Don.

Sit down, son.

Make yourself right at home.

Look, Tonoose didn't say much about you

in the letter, so suppose you fill us in.

Yeah, why don't you.

What do you do?

Sing, dance, tell jokes?

Now, don't be nervous, son.

You tell Mr. Helper what you do.

Well, it's not what I do.

It's how I do it.

How do you do it?

Sensationally.

What is it you do so sensationally?

I sing like Crosby, I dance like Astaire,

and I tell jokes like Hope.

You do?

A little frightening, isn't it?

I suppose you also play drums like Krupa,

clarinet like Goodman, and piano like Previn.

I don't know.

I never tried.

Yeah.

Just one more question, Mr. Wonderful.

What's that?

Uh, how long have you had this terrible inferiority complex?

I beg your pardon?

Son, uh, why don't you, uh, show us a little of what

you do, instead of just talking about it, huh?

You mean audition?

Yeah.

You don't have to audition the whole act.

Just, uh-- just do one or two unforgettable moments.

Why don't we lie down on the floor, so we won't have

too far to fall when we faint.

Well, I don't see any reason for me to audition.

Well, I'd like to see what you do so I can help you.

Oh, I don't need any help.

Uh, the act is perfect.

I'm ready for stardom.

I-- I'm not so sure stardom is ready for you.

Well, all I really need is a booking.

I'll take care of the rest myself.

A booking.

Where do you suppose would be a nice place for him to start?

The gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo?

No.

I-- I think Madison Square Garden--

nice intimate place for a solo comic.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

We'll start you at the garden, son.

Madison-- Madison Square Garden?

- That's right. - OK.

I guess that's as good a place to start as any, huh?

Yes, it is.

Uh, after the garden, where do I go?

I would say, uh, the Mayo Clinic.

Don't worry about that.

If you're as good as you say you are and have all that talent,

after the Garden, I'm sure you'll have to be beating

the agents away with a club.

That's true.

Well, I guess I'd better get back to the hotel

and tell the folks that I'm playing the Garden.

You do that.

It's a good idea to notify next of kin.

Wow. Woo!

You know, it would serve him right if you

put him on at the Garden?

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Oh, you're not serious.

I am.

That boy needs to be clobbered.

He's a monster.

They'll beat him to a pulp in the Garden, put him in a box,

and send him back to the Ohio State Home for the Numb.

I have never seen such an ego on a kid.

I-- I couldn't believe my ears.

This'll do him a lot of good.

We'll give him a lesson in humility.

He needs a lesson in smoking, too.

[music playing]

Well, hello, Mr. Wonderful.

Uh, I hope you don't mind me coming to see you,

cousin Danny. - No.

Our humble abode is honored.

I didn't know you were coming.

I'd have lit the incense.

Sit down. Sit down.

I'm working on an arrangement.

I'll be with you in a minute.

I didn't mean to bother you.

Then why do you?

Well, I-- I've got a couple of routines

that I'm not too sure of.

I thought maybe you could help me with them.

Me?

Me help the perfect act?

Perfect act?

Why, sure.

Anybody who sings like Crosby, dances like Astaire, and tells

jokes like Hope has got the perfect act.

That's true.

Oh, my gosh.

Uh, except that you've got things mixed up a little.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I sing like Hope.

I dance like Crosby.

And I tell jokes like Astaire.

That's not what you said at the office yesterday.

Yeah.

I really put it on, didn't I?

Put it on?

Boy, Mr. Halper really fell for it.

Huh?

Boy, that Sammy Jacobs really knows what he's talking about.

I'd like to know what you're talking about.

Who is Sammy Jacobs?

Sammy Jacobs is the director of one of the little theater

groups in Toledo.

Oh, he knows all about show business.

He advised me.

He told me, when you get to New York,

you've got to come on like a big wheel.

Come on like a big shot.

And that's what you were doing yesterday?

Why, sure.

Boy, if Mr. Halper really knew how scared I was,

he never would have given me a chance.

You mean, you were just putting on an act?

Holy smoke.

Don't tell me you swallowed it, too.

Like a hungry seal in a herring barrel.

Good thing I came here today.

Cousin Danin, I need your help.

Ever since I was a little kid, all I've ever wanted to do

is to be in show business.

When I started, I--

I'd do anything.

I was-- I was a kid working in-- in nightclubs around town,

or in an amateur group, or at the PTA, or at the Red Cross.

You know, it didn't matter.

And Uncle Tonoose said to me, "You work hard, boy.

And when you ready, I write to Cousin Danin and he help you."

I worked hard.

Anywhere I could get on, anywhere, just to do a show--

the PTA, newspaper functions, anything in Toledo.

I got discouraged.

I guess you know what that is.

A couple of weeks ago, I did a benefit for the newsboys.

And after the show was over--

I did a good show--

I saw Uncle Tonoose.

He walked right up to me and he said, "You ready, boy.

You pack your bag.

I write to Cousin Danin."

And the whole world lit up for me.

I knew where I was going.

And I knew that once I got to you, I was safe.

Yeah.

Well, uh, if you'll excuse me, I, uh, I have

to put something in the oven.

Huh?

My head.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Look, uh, if I'm going to help you,

I'd better start by helping you out of that benefit

at Madison Square Garden.

I-- I can't let you do that.

But I've already told the folks.

Oh, never mind the folks.

You can't do a solo comic act in Madison Square Garden

with 25,000 people there.

You know what would happen to you if you went on?

Well, I figured with my kind of act, I--

I'd get clobbered.

You figured you'd get clobbered?

Yeah.

Well, for heaven's sakes, why were you so anxious to get on?

Because you wanted me to.

I figured you thought maybe I needed the experience.

And if you wanted me to go on, I was ready.

No.

You-- you forget all about the Garden.

I'll see that you get on the right place,

where you'll do the most good.

Cousin Danin, do you think that I could ever get as far

as you have in show business?

Oh, I'm afraid you haven't got the equipment for that, son.

You don't think I have enough talent?

Not enough nose.

All right.

Thank you.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What a wonderful audience.

I certainly appreciate your--

your attention, your concentration, but most

of all, your excellent taste.

You know, you're in such a good mood

I'm glad that I picked tonight to do what I'm going to do.

So many people have asked--

even I've asked-- where does the young entertainer

get his start today?

In my day, when I was a young fellow knocking around,

I got a chance to work in the beer

garden of Detroit, the neighborhood cafes of Chicago--

a place to flop, a place to be bad and to get better.

Today, the youngster has to start right on top.

Today, we have television.

A guy comes to bat for the first time in Yankee Stadium,

you know, or should I say Madison Square Garden?

A Youngster today faces the problem,

he can't get a job unless he's had experience.

And he can't get experience unless he's got a job.

So we're going to do something about it tonight.

I'd like to have you meet a newcomer

to our business, first time in a professional nightclub.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's help him out--

Don Penny. Come on, Don.

Get up here.

Good luck.

When I was in the Army just recently, I had a friend.

His name was Freddy Grebs.

He was a little man.

I guess he was about 30, 35 years old.

And he'd been in the Army I guess all his adult life.

He never knew anything else.

He was a-- a kind of a rare person

to me, because you could steal the shoe

polish out of his foot locker and he'd

get gigged by the Lieutenant.

And he'd just smile.

He wouldn't say anything.

Or, you could wear his clean uniform--

a good, good person.

The point of the story is one day,

Freddy was sitting on his foot locker shining his shoes.

He looked up at me and he said that he was

going to go to officers school.

Now I just could not in my heart say to Freddy,

"Freddy, you don't have it to be an officer."

So I kept my mouth shut.

The very next day, he walked into the office

of Colonel Gruber, who is in charge of the entire regiment.

And he said--

[bugle playing]

[MEEKLY] Uh, Private Grebs re--

reporting, sir, from the th-- the 3rd Labor Battalion.

Now, I-- I was interested in going to officer school,

because I think, well, I have the ability to lead men the way

they sh-- should be led.

Um, and I was, um, I'm interested in ceramics.

[mumbles] sir.

And the colonel, who was a 6'2" Kentuckian from Harvard,

got up behind this big, black ebony desk.

And he looked down at little Freddy.

And he said, [MEEKLY] speak with more authority.

For a very long time, we've been giving the Russians lots

and lots of things-- money, tanks, guns, agriculture,

all kinds of wonderful things, tractors,

dams, bridges, people.

We have finally received something in return.

The Russians have sent us a song.

This is a song, a tribute to our American astronauts.

[music playing]

[singing in russian]

[bird noises]

Very good. Take a bow.

Take a bow.

Wonderful, excellent, very good.

Uh, it's a real exciting night for a newcomer.

You know, I-- I wonder why these kids

clamor to get into this crazy business of ours.

I don't know.

Maybe it's that--

I'm sure it's that indescribable something

which was described so very well by the wonderful Irving Berlin.

[MUSIC - "THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]

[SINGING] The butcher, the baker, the grocer, the clerk

are secretly unhappy men because the butcher, the baker,

the grocer, the clerk get paid for what they do,

but no applause.

They'd gladly kiss their dreary jobs goodbye

for anything theatrical.

And why?

There's no business like show business,

like no business that I know.

Everything about it is a feeling, everything

the traffic will allow.

Nowhere do you get that extra feeling when you

are stealing that extra bow.

And there's no people like show people.

They smile when they are low.

Yesterday, they told you you would not go far.

That night, you open and, wow, there you are.

Next day, on your dressing room, oh, they've

hung that wonderful star.

Let's go.

Go on with the show.

Come on.

Let's go, go, go.

Go on with the show.

Oh, go, go, go, go, go!

[theme - "oh, danny boy"]