Original subtitles

[theme music]

Kathy?

Hey Clancy, babe, love, did Charley get here yet?

KATHY: Not yet.

He's not here?

KATHY: No.

Not here?

I told him to be here at two o'clock.

All right. All right.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Somebody please tell me where is it.

Where is it? - Where is what?

Where is what?

My tape recorder.

Your tape recorder?

I didn't touch your tape recorder.

Somebody touched it.

It was in this room here yesterday.

Oh, are you sure?

No, no.

I'm just making this whole thing up.

Actually, I'm building a boat a bottle.

I'm looking for my poop deck polish.

Am I sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Now, where's the tape recorder?

Oh, I'm not surprised you can't find

anything around this house.

The way you leave everything scattered all over the place.

DANNY: I'm begging, please.

Leave this alone.

Leave them alone.

What was it you were looking for?

DANNY: My tape recorder.

What do you call this?

A can of sardines?

Oh, thanks for finding it.

You know, things like this would not

happen if you would use that wonderful new invention we

have now.

What's that?

A coathanger.

DANNY: Wise guy.

Wise guy.

Coathanger.

Convention.

Big deal.

Just keep your hands off the-- [doorbell ringing]

--thing.

Yeah.

Oh, it's about time you got here.

I got your message. What's up?

What's up?

I'm all excited and nervous.

I got to go on "The Ed Sullivan Show".

Give me your hat.

I've been racking my brain to try to get some material

for that show, see? - Yeah.

I couldn't think of anything, and our boys couldn't

come up with anything either.

Then I remembered, I did a disk jockey interview in Chicago

with a guy, Freddy Allen.

Yeah.

And, gee, we did some funny things quite by accident.

And, luckily, I found the tape.

And then I heard it yesterday.

And it really sounds pretty good.

And I want to get your opinion to help me see if we

can routine some of this stuff.

All right.

All right.

Kathy?

Come on.

Where is it? Where is it?

Where is it? KATHY: Where is what?

Where is what? Where is what?

The can of sardines.

Where is it?

Oh, your tape recorder is--

Yeah, my tape recorder.

Right under your nose.

No wonder he couldn't see it.

Ha, ha, ha.

Dan, why don't you record "here I am" on it,

and let it play all day long?

Do me a favor, just leave me alone.

If I call you next time, don't come, huh?

Just leave me alone. Leave me alone.

I'm nervous.

I got to get this routine.

Hi, daddy.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Hello, darling.

You'll never guess what happened in school today.

Oh, what happened?

What happened, honey?

My teacher picked me and two other kids

to be on a television show tomorrow.

Picked you to go on television?

Uh-huh.

How about that?

"The Art Linkletter Show".

But I can't go on unless I get your permission.

May I do it, daddy?

Well, I guess so, sweetheart.

Oh, thank you so much.

You're welcome.

You know what I do on the show?

Listen to the man talk--

Darling, I'm very busy, sweetheart.

Go and run and tell mommy all about it.

And if it's OK with Mommy, it's OK with me.

OK, I'll tell mommy you promise that.

Yeah, OK, I promise.

You really and truly Promise

I got to rewind this.

Yeah, I promise.

I promise.

You sure your promise now?

Yeah, I'm sure I promise now.

All right?

OK.

Some really funny stuff on here.

Play the tape already.

I think it's going to be a real good routine.

Listen. Listen.

FREDDY ALLEN [ON TAPE]: He's been promising me

for a long time that he'd come over and be our guest,

and here he is, one of America's best loved nightclub

entertainers, Danny Williams.

DANNY [ON TAPE]: Well, thank you, Freddy.

FREDDY ALLEN [ON TAPE]: Tell me, Danny, I've always wondered

how you work in a nightclub.

Tell me, Danny, how do you handle a heckler?

Oh, listen. Listen.

This is really funny.

It was an ad lib, too.

I didn't even know where it came from,

but I really hit him with a line.

Listen. - Let's hear it.

DANNY [ON TAPE]: Well, Freddy, you

learn to think on your feet.

I remember once a heckler started to work on me,

and, well, I came up with a squelch

on the spur of the moment that really left him for dead.

I don't even know where it came from.

I just leaned over the table, see?

And I said to this guy-- - Listen.

LINDA [ON TAPE]: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,

eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider and sat down beside her and frightened Miss

Muffet away.

That's funny.

Well, what did you do for an encore?

Burp the disk jockey?

It wasn't me.

It was Linda.

Oh, she was with you in Chicago?

No.

Well, how did she get on this tape?

And now I'd like to present my best

girlfriend, Stephanie Brewer.

FREDDY ALLEN [ON TAPE]: No, no, no.

No, Danny.

I mean it, you're looking great.

Tell me, have you lost some weight, Danny?

DANNY [ON TAPE]: No, I haven't.

But speaking of losing weight, Freddy,

did you hear the one about these two fat ladies wearing bikinis?

Oh, this was good.

FREDDY ALLEN [ON TAPE]: No, I haven't, Danny.

Let's hear it.

DANNY [ON TAPE]: Well, they were both in these little polka dot

bikinis, see?

And one fat lady looked at the other and said--

LINDA [ON TAPE]: Hickory dickory dock.

The mouse went up the clock.

The clock struck one, and down he come.

Hickory dickory dock.

[muttering]

It erased all the whole thing.

The whole routine.

Linda?

Linda?

I told that kid, don't touch the tape recorder.

[inaudible] the whole routine is just all completely wiped out.

Didn't I tell you not to touch that recorder?

Yes, daddy.

Well, why'd you touch it?

Well, see, it was raining yesterday,

and we didn't have anything else to do.

So you decided to wipe off all of daddy's routine

off the tape recorder.

Don't you understand when I talk to you

that I mean what I'm saying?

If I can't make you understand by speaking,

maybe I can make you understand some other way.

Now come on.

Well, what are you going to do?

Little Miss Muffet, you're not able to sit

on your tuffet for a week.

Now, come on.

Now listen to this, Charley.

I don't think it's like it was on the tape,

but it's kind of close.

We're talking about credit cards, see?

And I says, nowadays, everybody carries credit cards.

I know a fellow that carries so many credit

cards, he doesn't open his wallet, he shuffles it.

Don't just sit there like a zombie.

Help me.

Don't you know anything funny about credit cards?

There is nothing funny about credit cards.

Huh?

Especially when my wife carries them.

In her hand the credit card is a deadly weapon.

[chuckling]

Hey, that's funny.

That is funny.

You mean, I made a joke?

Yeah.

If I use it, I'll buy you a box of cigars.

Well, thanks.

I'll split them with my wife.

Another good joke.

You know, if you keep this up, we'll wind up with a routine.

Why don't you write a routine about

spanking your little girl?

Oh, come on, Kathy, I didn't spank her.

I just gave her a couple of love taps.

I just hurt her dignity, that's all.

You know, there are other ways of punishing

a child besides spanking.

If you'd bothered to read what child

psychologists say on this subject, you'd learn something.

I guarantee you, my dear, every one of those

guys that writes on child psychology is a bachelor.

Dr. Spock is not a bachelor, and he

doesn't believe in spanking.

Yeah, sure. What does he care?

Doctor Spock doesn't have to go on "The Sullivan Show"

and do stale jokes.

From what I've read, spanking a child makes them

feel insecure and unwanted.

It makes them feel rejected.

Oh, come off it will you, with your--

I know more about child psychology

than anybody that ever wrote a book.

Very well, Mr. Genius.

You know everything.

Hey, Danny, you know, I got to agree with Kathy.

I heard that you hit a kid, you make them feel rejected.

Will you please come off it?

My father hit me 1,000 times, and not once did I feel

rejected, or did I feel insecure,

or did I feel unwanted.

I felt pain.

Daddy?

I thought I told you you're confined to your quarters

for the weekend.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

I won't be able to stay in my room for the whole weekend.

Why not?

I'm supposed to be on that television show tomorrow,

and that's Saturday.

And that's part of the weekend.

Just forget all about it, young lady.

Television show is out.

I should have known you'd break your promise.

Anybody that'd hit a little kid like me.

I didn't hit you.

You didn't, huh?

No.

Then you better search my room, because somebody

up there walloped me.

I mean I just spanked you, and that's

a lot different than hitting.

And you had it coming.

I told you not to touch my tape recorder, and you did.

You broke your word.

And you broke your word, too.

You said I could go on that television show.

And now you say I can't.

And I don't think it's fair to hit a little kid like me

and then break your promise.

If I promised, I certainly shouldn't break it.

OK, I'll keep my word.

You can go on the television show.

But right after that, you come right home

and go straight to your room.

You understand?

I suppose that means I can't go on the pony ride Sunday

with Maureen.

You suppose right.

Then can Maureen come and play with me in my room?

No.

You're being punished.

You'll have no visitors.

Gee, even when you're in jail you're aloud

to have visitors on Sunday.

You're not in jail.

Then how come I'm in solitary confinement?

Will you please cut that out.

You're not in solitary confinement.

You're not in jail.

And stop talking me like I'm some kind of a warden.

I'm your father who is justly punishing you.

Now please go to your cell-- room.

Oh, for goodness sakes.

OK, but you'll see.

You'll be sorry. - All right.

You'll be real sorry.

OK, so I'll be sorry.

Well, you may not be smart, but you're brave.

What?

The kid's mad at you, right?

So?

So how is it going to look when your kid

tells a coast-to-coast audience what a miserable bully you are.

Oh, come off it.

My kid's going to do no such thing.

Uh-huh.

Did you ever see the show?

How can I see it?

It's in the daytime.

You know what it's like?

No, Charles.

What's it like?

Like the Friday night fights.

Only it's kids versus their parents.

Linkletter ask the kids questions,

and the kids murder the old folks at home.

They murder the old folks?

And the way Linda feels about you now, if she just

murders, you you'll be lucky.

Well, I'll just tell Linda not to mention me, that's all.

Matter of fact, I will make it an order.

Oh, swell.

Swell.

so when Linkletter says, tell me about your father, little girl,

she says, he ordered me not to talk about him.

And the audience fills in the blank spaces.

Danny, believe me, they'll imagine worse than the worst

thing she could say.

What am I going to do, Charley?

I gave my word.

I promised she could go on.

I got a suggestion.

What?

Get friendly with her before showtime.

And how do you propose I get friendly with her?

Well, she's a female, isn't she?

So?

I know when Bonnie gets mad at me

I got a trick that works on her every time.

And females are all alike, so it should be

a cinch to work on Linda, too.

I don't know why you didn't think of this yourself.

What is it? What?

What? What?

You buy her a mink coat.

I'm going.

I'm going.

[doorbell ringing]

Come in.

It's open.

Danny?

Hi.

You're still working on that routine, huh?

Yeah.

If you let Linda go on that program today,

you can forget about the routine.

Huh?

You can forget the whole works.

You can forget the whole show business.

What are you talking about?

I just bought a copy of Art Linkletter's book,

"Kids Say The Darndest Things".

So?

So you should hear some of the things

these kids say on the program.

They-- ah!

Here.

Tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be a father.

Why do you want to be a father?

Because then you don't have to shave

and you can walk around the house all day

in your long underwear.

What?

So boys will be boys.

This is a girl.

You should read some of the other things

the kids say on Linkletter's program about their parents.

They murder them.

And the way Linda feels about you, like I

told you now, you're dead.

D-E-D, dead.

Charley, why did you come here today?

To cheer you up.

What else?

Look, good friend, the best way

to treat this whole situation is just, it's a joke.

Just laugh it off like a joke.

That's all.

Well, let's not make a big thing of it.

Danny, do you realize what this could do to your career?

Who's going to want to come to a nightclub

and laugh at a fellow whose kid hates him?

Tell me something, you worried about my career or business

at your nightclub?

You.

I'm worried about you.

Danny, please, stop her.

You can't let her go on.

How can I stop her?

I gave my word.

I promised.

So what's worse?

Breaking a promise to a kid who won't even

remember the incident in a few days,

or ruining a reputation that's taken a lifetime to build?

You're right.

What's the sense of taking a chance.

Linda?

Linda, come down here.

Linda?

Danny.

Linda?

Would you stop yelling for Linda.

I'm getting her dressed.

Her teacher is going to pick her up at any minute

to go on the show.

Well, you can stop getting her dressed.

She's not going on the show.

What?

I'm not going to let her go on the show.

I forbid it.

Danny, you can't.

They've announce her name in the paper.

Everybody knows she's going on, and they'll

be watching for her.

If you don't let her go on that show,

what is she going to tell her friends?

Yeah.

If she goes on that show, what am I going to tell my friends?

Oh, I'm sorry, hon.

I can't take a chance on what she might say.

That kid is mad at me.

Oh, Danny, you're just being hysterical.

Linda loves you.

She knows that you've been a good father.

She remembers all the care and devotion that you've given her.

Yeah, she remembers something else I've given her, too.

- She'll get over that. - Yeah.

Yeah.

In a couple of days, maybe.

But the show is today.

Now, I can't take a chance on being embarrassed

and humiliated by my kid.

I'm sorry.

I can't risk it.

No, but you'll take a much bigger risk.

What's that?

The risk of losing your child's respect because you've

broken your word to her.

Clancy, baby, look--

Oh, darling.

Listen, if a man has been a good father,

he needn't worry that his children are ever going

to humiliate or embarrass him.

And Danny, you've been a good father.

So you shouldn't be concerned what

Linda's going to say about you on a television

show or anywhere else.

Oh, darling, if you don't let her go on that show today,

you have no faith in yourself as a father.

Yeah, you're right.

Since I'm breaking my word, the whole thing is silly.

Go on. Go on.

Let her get dressed.

That's my Danny.

Mine, too.

Oh!

Danny?

Danny, I'm proud of you.

You're a man who lives by his word.

And I'm ashamed of me for getting you all steamed up.

Thanks, Charley.

I mean, it's just that I love you,

and I'm concerned about your welfare.

You're not just a great guy, you're a great performer.

And I don't want anything to jeopardize your career.

You're a good friend, Charley.

Dan, tell me something, after Linda

goes on the show, what line of work you figure on going into?

I'm going.

I'm going.

[music playing]

Dan, I think we'd see a lot better

if you turned the set on.

Who asked you?

Well, I just thought, we only got a few minutes to show time,

and-- - There's time.

There's time.

Hi, dad.

Oh, don't be such a wise guy.

Take it easy, Danny.

He may be too old for "The Linkletter Show",

but he could murder you on "Youth Wants To Know".

What'd I do?

All I said was hello.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

Don't mind me.

I'm just kind of in a bad mood today.

Don't mind me at all.

That's all right, dad.

Why don't you go into the kitchen.

Mom baked some pies.

Go get a piece.

OK.

Hey, that would be a good line of work for you.

What?

Kathy could bake them, and you could sell them.

I think I'll have a piece of pie, too.

[music playing]

I wonder what that kid's going to say about me.

And now to start things off we have Little Miss Linda

Williams, the daughter of the beloved entertainer Danny

Williams.

Well, Linda, it's nice to have you with us today.

Shake hands.

I can't shake hands.

Why not?

My father stepped on my hand.

He did?

With his golf shoes.

Oh, that's too bad.

A little accident, huh?

Accident, my eye.

He did it on purpose.

Oh?

He's a child beater.

Hmm.

Well, um, sit down, Linda.

I can't sit down.

Why not?

He kicked me, too.

Oh.

With his golf shoes.

Well, here's a little gift that will

make you feel a lot better.

It's some candy.

I can't eat it.

Oh?

My teeth are loose.

Your father?

Who else?

Tell me, Linda, how old are you?

If I live, I'll be eight.

Thank you, Linda.

I am sure that you are as shocked as I am,

ladies and gentlemen.

If the things we've heard from this tragic little girl

are true, I'm sure you'll agree that Danny Williams career

in the theater is finished.

It's not true.

It's not true.

How could she say a thing like that?

It's not true.

It can't be.

It's not true, that's all.

I mean, who would say a thing like that?

Honey, what's the matter with you?

Oh, I-- I was just thinking of what Linda might say about me.

And I guess my imagination run away with me.

Well, we'll never find out if we

don't turn it on pretty soon.

Now, just relax.

I'm sure Linda is not going to say anything

that will humiliate anybody.

Can we just have the picture with no sound?

There's Linda right on the end.

Rusty, quiet.

And now I'd like you to meet our three little guests.

And first we have little Timmy Stevenson.

Hello, Timmy.

Hello, Mr. Linkletter.

Now, how old are you, Timmy?

I'm seven, but I wish I could be older.

How old would you like to be?

The same age as my daddy.

Oh?

That's very nice.

You want to be just like your daddy, huh?

Yeah, so I can drink beer and spank kids.

Well, how about you, Ann Finnegan?

Does your daddy ever spank you?

Sometimes.

Well, how about your mommy.

Does she ever spank you?

No, my daddy won't let her.

Ah.

Your daddy's the boss in the house?

Sure.

You're certain of that?

Oh, yes.

Last week, my mommy chased daddy into a closet.

And she yelled, come out, come out, come out.

And that's when he proved he was the boss.

Uh-huh.

How did he do that?

He didn't come out.

Linda's next.

Yeah.

And here we have little Linda Williams.

This is it, zero hour.

Is your life insurance paid up?

Will you please be quiet?

What would you like to be when you grow up, Linda?

A nurse.

And why would you like to be a nurse?

I don't know.

My mother told me to say that.

She did now?

And what did your mother tell you not to say on the program?

She told me not to tell any of the family secrets.

Like what?

Like the time she tried to dye her hair blonde

and it came out green.

Why, that little monster.

She's destroyed me.

I'll never be able to go out on the street again.

Well, so far, so good.

What's good about it?

She didn't say it about me.

Just wait.

All right.

She says one word about me, boy, she'll get it.

Well, Linda, isn't there anything else you'd

like to say on the show today?

No.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Something you'd like to tell us about your daddy perhaps?

Thank you, but I don't have another word to say.

You don't want to say anything about your father, the

famous nightclub entertainer?

Look, don't twist her arm.

She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have to talk.

No.

ART LINKLETTER [ON TV]: Well, thank you, Linda.

[music playing]

How about that?

Huh?

I'm saved.

She never said a word about me.

Just think. Not a word.

Think of all the bad things she could have said.

She didn't say a word.

Not a word. - That's right.

She didn't say a word about you.

Not one word.

Yeah.

How about that kid?

Never said a word about her father.

Would it hurt her to mention me?

I mean, a lot of people watch that program.

Would it have killed her to give her old man a little publicity?

Oh, the ingratitude of that kid.

Danny, you didn't--

Boy, Shakespeare said it.

Shakespeare said it.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth

is the ingratitude of a child.

Hi, mommy.

Hi, darling.

Did you see me on the television show?

I talked about you.

Yes, darling.

I saw you.

You were very good.

Thank you.

Hi, traitor.

What, pa?

What do you have to say for yourself?

About what?

About the television show you were on today.

What about the television show?

How come you didn't say anything about me?

Well, I decided not to talk about you,

because I was mad at you and I might say bad things.

Then I'd be sorry later.

I knew you were right to spank me on account of what I did.

I love you very much, daddy.

And that's why I didn't say anything.

Oh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go upstairs

and finish my punishment.

Uh, prisoner?

What you want?

DANNY: Come here.

You don't have to go back to jail.

I've decided to give you time off for good behavior.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

Thank you so much.

I think we we're both a little wrong.

So if I forgive you, will you forgive me?

I forgive you, daddy.

OK.

Then I forgive you, too.

Of course, I'm letting you off a little easy.

The least I should get out of this is a mink coat.

The least you could get out of this is a spanking.

[music playing]