Original subtitles

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Tonight's special guest--

Bob Hope.

[adoring fans]

Oh, Mr. Williams, [inaudible].

[inaudible] Well, thank you.

Thank you very much. - [inaudible]

Well, all right. Well, OK.

Just make it "To Agnes."

- Yes, of course. - "With Love, Danny."

Agnes? Yes, of course.

Thank you, thank you. - Well, what's going on here?

Oh!

Thank you!

Oh, just some autograph seekers, dear.

Well, they never followed you up to your apartment before.

Yeah, well, I never had Bob Hope with me before, honey.

It's all right, honey.

Everything'll be fine.

[applause]

[inaudible] right there.

DANNY WILLIAMS: Hey, I'll take your hat, Bob.

Hey.

Hi, Kathy!

Hi, Bob.

- There you are, honey. - Thank you so much!

[inaudible] - Yeah.

[inaudible] Now, just one more for my little nephew!

It's his birthday. - I see.

Yeah.

Just writ, "To my little pal--"

Uh-huh.

"--Herman Axelrod, on his seventh birthday.

Best wishes and many happy returns of the day.

From your big pal, Bob Hope."

And date it!

Why don't I just sign my name, and you

can hire a public stenographer for the rest, huh?

[interposing voices]

Oh, Mr. Hope?

Yes?

How is Bing Crosby?

Bing who?

Bing Crosby?

Oh, yes, you mean the Maharaja of the maternity ward.

Oh, he made a new deal with the stork.

From now on, so he won't have to get up

in the middle of the night, he just

leaves a key under the mat.

[interposing voices]

Goodbye, Mr. Hope!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

Bob, won't you sit down, and--

Lady, would you let go of my foot?

[inaudible]

Bob? BOB HOPE: Yes?

I thought we were trying to get rid of them.

What are you doing a whole monologue.

Well, if you don't tell them a couple of jokes,

they'll start a rumor that you're sick.

That's right.

They expect you fellas to be funny,

and you can't disappoint them.

Yeah, but some people take advantage of.

They act like you're not a human being.

They think a comic is a joke machine, for heaven's sake.

You know something?

We ought to get off this merry-going-around for a while

and take a vacation.

You know, the one we've been promising ourselves.

- Yeah. - That's right.

You know, you boys really do need a rest.

I wish we could get away.

If we-- Where could we go, anyway?

Well, I don't care, as long as it's some place

they've never heard of comics. - Yeah.

So we don't have to be on all the time,

telling jokes and signing autographs.

Yeah, that'd be something, wouldn't it?

- Hi, Mommy! - Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, sweetheart.

[shrieks]

- Bob Hope! - All right, kids.

Now, just relax. How do you [inaudible]?

Linda, Linda, Linda! Go to the playground!

I'll run to the park!

Line up as many kids as you can. Come on!

DANNY WILLIAMS: What? - Rust!

Rust!

What are you going to do that for?

We're going to charge a dime apiece for touching him

and a nickel if the only want to look!

Let's go!

[inaudible] You'll do nothing of the sort.

Let them go.

We'll split it!

Mom, we could make a fortune!

How often do we get Bob Hope in our own living Room

Never mind.

Bob hope is our guest, and he deserves his privacy.

Now, just say good afternoon to him

and then go and do your homework.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hope.

Boy, it's a sad thing when your own parents come out

against American enterprise.

All right!

You, too.

Go on.

Bye, Mr. Hope.

[shrieks]

Boy, she's cute.

How would you like some coffee, Bob?

Love it.

I-- I'm sorry the way the children behaved.

It's all right.

They're just kids.

Well, they should know better.

After all, their father is a performer,

and they should realize that you boys

have to relax once in a while.

You know, people just don't seem to have any consideration

for entertainers.

They don't realize that you just must

hate telling jokes and doing songs and skits all the time.

Oh, honey don't say that.

I mean, it's tiring sometimes, but believe me,

we don't hate entertaining people.

You don't? DANNY WILLIAMS: Certainly not.

Of course not.

We love it!

Wonderful!

Then you can entertain for our hospital benefit!

Kathleen O'Hara Williams, how dare you!

Well, darling, I'm on the entertainment committee.

I don't care what committee you're on!

You said yourself Bob was our guest.

Now you want to take advantage of him?

You know, we don't always get a chance to have both of you

there. - Oh, Kathy!

I can always get Danny.

Sure, you can get me anytime!

But to have both of you together!

You could think some songs, tell some jokes,

and maybe do a skit together.

I know what we can do.

- What? - Come on, Robert.

Let's go get a hamburger and a cup of coffee.

Great idea.

[music playing]

This is where you brought me to have lunch?

This must be the place.

I know we said we'd get off the beaten path,

but can't we do better than this crummy joint?

Look at this place.

2 to 1, the mice eat out!

Are you kidding?

This is the place that caters Jack Benny's cocktail parties.

And it's got a lot of class.

They accept gasoline credit cards here.

Well, at least nobody'll bother us.

Nobody in the place to bother us.

Bob Hope!

Danny Williams!

Emma!

Emma! Come out here quick!

Emma! - What's that?

An intern?

You won't believe it.

Look, look!

[gasps] Bob Hope!

Danny Williams!

It couldn't be!

Could it be?

It's them in the flesh.

We are indeed proud to have you gentlemen in our establishment.

Thank you.

Mr. Hope, how about a monologue?

Oh, for crying out loud.

How about a menu?

How about a menu?

What about that?

Come on, tell us some more!

We're a little pressed for time.

Pressed for time!

Emma, Emma!

Let's make a sign, put it in the window--

Danny Williams and Bob Hope are eating here.

We'll pack them in.

50 cent minimum!

You know that vacation we were talking about? yeah,

Yeah, I got a feeling now's the time to take it.

- Yeah. - Whoa!

Hey, wait a minute.

[music playing]

Oh, boy, this is it.

Oh, man!

How about this?

Yeah, it's perfect.

Peace and quiet.

Uh-huh.

It looks like Nelson Eddy's rumpus room.

You're not supposed to make jokes, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Uh, good afternoon.

What say?

Say, good afternoon.

I haven't been out today, but I'll take your word for it.

Say, we'd like a room for a few days.

I'm Mr. Jones, and this is Mr. Smith.

Yeah, we're industrialist's from Schenectady.

Industrialists, eh?

DANNY WILLIAMS: That's right.

What sort of business are you in?

Well-- well, we own a toothpick factory.

We're up here to buy a tree.

Look, uh, mister, uh, uh, we were

told we could get a room here.

Oh, yeah?

Who told you that?

A fellow in the service station at the edge of town.

Yeah.

Blabbermouth [inaudible] I'll see what I can give you.

OK.

406.

406, eh?

- Yeah, follow me. - OK.

406. - 406.

Yep, that's on the second floor.

406 is on the second floor?

Has to be-- we ain't got a fourth floor!

Hey, just a minute.

How about our bags?

Yeah.

Don't forget them.

[music playing]

This is it?

That's what it says--

406.

Oh, of course.

It's an instant room-- you just have to add water, huh?

You'll find the water pitcher over there.

Dad, I'd like to dance with you,

but the floor is a little crowded.

Boy, how about this?

This room's going to bring back vaudeville.

All right.

So it isn't big and fancy.

What's the difference?

It's what we wanted.

We want to get away from the rat race, right?

Yeah, it's great, huh?

You bet.

This is going to be wonderful.

Relax, rest.

Complete rest.

Man, I'm for that, no autograph hounds.

Don't have to do any jokes-- just lay right down

and rest a little.

Hey, Sophie Tucker slept here.

Bob, you're on again.

I can't kick the habit too fast--

I get chills.

We can live without telling jokes.

Let's learn to relax. - All right.

And wait till you see what I brought along-- things

we haven't done for years. - No.

You'll have a lot of fun.

Look at this.

Dominoes.

And checkers.

And Parcheesi.

How about that. - Oh, goody!

Yeah.

Did you bring a coloring book?

Will you stop complaining?

Now, come on, what do you want to play?

It's a nice welcome to the Grand Canyon.

You want to play Parcheesi or checkers or what?

You like it down here, huh?

I love it.

Let's just stop with the jokes.

So far we haven't been recognized,

and we won't be as long as we remember

to wear these dark glasses when we go out.

Do you understand?

Yeah, that's fine for the eyes.

But what are you going to do-- get a tent for your nose?

Hardy har har.

You should talk.

You should have swim fins that go with that snorkel you got.

Who's talking?

I haven't seen a cone like that since Cape Canaveral.

Say, it seems to me you fellas look

like a couple of movie stars.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Guess I was wrong.

It was those dark glasses that fooled me.

Oh ho ho ho!

Did we come to the right place, or did we

come to the right place?

Oh, boy, we don't even have to hide!

No glasses, no nothing-- just be ourselves!

Yes, sir.

He doesn't even know who we are!

Doesn't know who we are!

He doesn't know who we are?

[music playing]

Hi.

Oh, hi.

How was the walk?

Fine.

Anything exciting in town?

Yeah.

Everybody's lined up down on Main Street

watching the cracks dry up.

I know.

You know, they get a newspaper in this town?

No kidding.

Yeah, salesman left one here three days ago.

You were out walking, huh?

Yeah.

Anybody recognize you?

Not a soul.

Same with me.

Isn't that wonderful?

BOB HOPE: Yeah.

Three days away from show business, boy.

No jokes, no autographs.

Yeah, this is the life, all right.

Yeah.

Wee!

Hey, Danny.

Huh?

Would you like my autograph?

I'll take yours if you'll take mine.

Anything.

Let's just write.

Oh, Bob!

We're being silly.

You know, we're just silly.

Now, we came here for peace and quiet--

to get away from the rat race-- and we've accomplished this.

So what are we squawking about? - Yes.

This is the right thing to do, isn't it?

- I guess so. - You bet.

We didn't want to be recognized, and we're not recognized.

Not a soul knows who we are, and I think it's wonderful.

- Sure, it's great. - Beautiful!

Sure.

[SINGING] Thanks for the memory of rainy afternoons,

swingy Harlem tunes, motor trips and burning lips

and burning toast and prunes.

How lovely it was!

What do you think happened to me in Frisbie Falls?

There I was-- I was standing right there, and I wanted to--

I-- Peasant!

Hey, you think this guy is putting us on?

It just doesn't-- it doesn't make sense

that he wouldn't know who I am.

I've been thinking about that.

Between us, we've made hundreds of pictures

and television shows.

They couldn't have missed them all-- not

even here in Frisbie Falls.

Yeah, I think old dad there's having a little fun

with the city slickers.

I think I'll call him on it.

[bell ringing]

Hey, lum.

OK, bub, joke's over.

What say, Mr. Smith?

All right with the Mr. Smith bit.

You can call me by my real name.

Oh, you ain't John Smith?

You know who I am.

Don't you ever go to the movies?

Only when they show Helen Twelvetrees in them.

Oh, she's a dandy.

Sure is.

You are, too.

You-- you got a bad memory, haven't you?

I'll give you a hint.

Where there's life, there's--

Uh, hope?

- That's it! - That's your name?

Certainly!

Hope Smith?

Y--

[musical flourish]

[music playing]

Oh, hello.

I thought you fellas would like to know

we're giving a big show tonight-- a big

talent show at the auditorium.

- Show? - Where?

Oh, yes.

Wh- wh- wh- where are you giving a show?

Yep, and lots of big prizes going to be up.

There's a show here in this town?

- Oh, yes. - Really?

Oh, it's the big, big event of the spring.

No kidding?

Tell me about it.

Yes, it's an annual amateur night

show sponsored by the Frisbee Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Oh, I see.

Oh, it'll be an evening to remember.

I'll bet.

Etta Jane [inaudible] going to sing "Cheery Beery Beanie."

And [inaudible]---- he's going to play his glockenspiel.

What do you know?

And, of course, I'll be on hand with my duck calls.

Duck calls?

Yeah.

You're just saying that to excite me.

Well, I thought you ought to know about the show.

It's going to be one of those real things that night.

Very nice of you to let us know about it.

- [inaudible] - Yes, sir.

Thank you very much, Mr. Harland.

Yes, sir.

Say, uh, what time's the show going to be?

- I'll see you. - Yeah.

How about that for Cornsville, huh?

Hey, I have a show.

That'd be kind of a nice story to tell when I get back home--

tell the guys on Broadway, huh?

What do you mean?

I mean, like, if I were to go on that show tonight-- just

for laughs, you understand.

I, I wouldn't accept the prize or anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, cut, cut, cut.

What does your poor, sick, Lebanese mind see me

doing while you're being noble about accepting the prize?

Boy, I tell you, you're-- you're such a ham.

I didn't say I was going to go on,

and you're not going on either.

[duck call]

[applause]

I know you'd like an encore, but we've got two

more entries to be heard from.

They're not local boys, so let's show them that good old

Frisbee Falls hospitality.

All right?

And we'll start off with the boy from New York--

I think-- I guess it's New York.

Oh, yes.

Amos Jones!

[applause]

Thank you very much.

That's a very good duck call, Mr. Harland.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Now, I brought my own orchestra with me.

When I say OK, you just let her spin on the record there, OK?

That's right.

OK, fine, swell.

Well, it's certainly a distinct honor and pleasure

to be visiting Frisbie Falls.

I-- I happen to be a small town boy myself, and I--

I love this kind of Americana.

As a matter of fact, one of the funniest things that ever

happened in my whole life happened in a small town

like Frisbie Falls.

It was during the summer.

I was driving my car, and it was a hot day.

And man, I wanted a cold drink so badly.

And I'm driving along, and I see this farmhouse.

And I pull up, and I knock on the door.

And a kindly old gent says, yep!

What can I do for you?

And I said, could I have a drink, please?

He said, you've come to the right place!

Come on in!

So I came on in, and he brings out

a great big jug of moonshine.

And I said, no, no, now hold it there.

I-- I don't want any hard liquor.

I just want a cold drink. He said, go on!

Take a slug of that-- made it myself.

I said, well, I don't really care for it.

I-- I just want a lemonade or something.

He said, you insulting my liquor?

I said take a slug of it!

I said, but I don't want any!

He said, take a slug of it, or I'll blow your dang head off!

And with that, he pulled out a double barrel shotgun

and put it right in my puss like that.

I said, all right, don't get excited.

I'll drink it, I'll drink it.

And I slugged down this corn liquor.

And-- ooh, I liked to choke to death.

I said holy jump up and sit down,

that is without question the worst stuff

I ever tasted in my whole life!

He said, yeah, ain't it?

And he said-- he said, come on, you hold a gun

on me while I take a drink!

[laughter and applause] OK!

[inaudible]

[music playing]

[SINGING] From this moment on, you for me, dear--

only two for tea, dear--

from this moment on.

From this happy day, no more blue songs--

only whoop-dee-doo songs-- from this moment on.

Oh, you've got the skin I love to touch.

You got the charms I need so much.

You got the arms to hold me tight-- got the sweet lips

to kiss me goodnight.

From this moment on, you and I, babe--

we'll be flying high, babe.

Every care is gone from this moment--

this happy moment-- from this moment on.

[applause]

Well, that wasn't bad.

Now, here's our last contestant-- the boy

from way out west in, uh--

way out west, in, uh, Los Angeles.

Here he is-- his name is Hope Smith!

[applause]

Thank you, Andy Griffith.

I want to tell you, it's been a pleasure watching

these amateurs perform--

they both show a lot of promise.

Especially the fellow with the duck calls.

Duck calls-- I've laid a few eggs myself,

but this is the first time I've ever had anyone accompany me.

But I'm thrilled to be here.

And this is a wonderful little town you have here--

sort of a U-turn with a mayor.

The first time I've ever seen a compact town.

I wouldn't say this town was small,

but both city limit signs are on the same stick.

It's sure quiet here.

It's really quiet.

The Sheriff's car doesn't have a siren--

it has a kazoo with a mute.

But I've been resting.

I've been yawning so much a fly put a sign in my mouth,

visit the Mammoth Caves.

I asked someone where I could find some excitement in town.

He said, the library-- there's a new Nick Carter coming in.

And I want to tell you-- the hotel is very quaint,

I have a wonderful suite-- two rooms and a path.

And I, uh-- aw, you certainly do have cold mornings--

I want to tell you.

It's really cold.

Last night it was so cold, I fell out of bed

and broke my pajamas.

And I want to tell you, it's wonderful to be

up here in the Northwoods.

I love it, because I'm an outdoorsman.

I love the outdoors.

When I'm not indoors, that's where you'll find me.

Just give me a home where the Buffalo roam,

and I'll show you a house full of mud.

I love this country.

I haven't been in the woods since my parents

tried to lose me.

I love the outdoors.

I love fishing.

Give me a rod and a reel and put me in a stream,

and I'll catch cold as quickly as anybody.

I went fly fishing yesterday-- caught one this big.

Not the fish, the fly.

Oh, but isn't nature wonderful?

I love it.

It's really wonderful to get out among the birds and the bees

and hear their side of it.

Now, we went hunting, and they gave me some dog call pointers.

They were wonderful.

They'd run into the woods till they found a bear-- then

they'd point at me.

They found one-- it was a very old bear.

Didn't have a tooth in his mouth--

they were all in my arm.

And the other day I went moose hunting up here.

I came out with a moose call it was so authentic it took

us two hours to unlock horns.

That's a hunting joke.

Keep hunting-- you'll find it.

Thank you very much.

[applause]

[musical flourish]

[musical flourish]

[applause]

[slightly longer applause]

[longer applause]

[longer still]

All righty.

And now for your last contestant--

yours truly.

[uproarious applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Don't feel bad, boys.

I didn't win my first time either.

[musical flourish]

[music playing]