Original subtitles

[theme music]

And, my dears, all the rest are trump

and that's a little ol' slam.

Sorry.

Nice bidding, partner.

Yeah, nice playing partner.

That's what I love about bridge.

The winners is so compatible.

Yeah.

And the losers always look like him.

Well, you do.

Hey, how-- how do we stand?

You've got-- we owe you 16,021 points.

Wow.

Oh, just make it 16,000 even.

Oh, you're so generous.

Are you sure we lost that much?

Well, we sure clobbered you, huh?

How about holding out the wallet and decorating the mahogany?

How much you owe us?

16,000 points that's $0.40.

$0.40!

You pay them, will you, honey?

Why don't you pay? [phone ringing]

Oh, excuse me.

Because you always take my change, that's why.

- No, you always take my change. - Oh, come on.

[interposing voices]

Mr. Charles Harper?

Well, yes, he's here.

DANNY: All right, I owe you $0.40.

CHARLEY: OK.

Beverly Hills calling?

[WHISPERING] Charley!

Charley, your sister was right.

It's him. - Oh no!

Oh no!

Tell- Tell him I'm not in.

But I already said you were here.

Operator, put him on please. - No!

No! Take him off!

I hate him. I hate him.

You know every time--

every-- every time I talk to him it turns my stomach.

I-- I despise him!

I try-- Hello, Herman, how are you?

Yeah, how-- how are things out there in sunny California?

Like cats and dogs, huh?

You're coming when?

Saturday?

Uh-huh.

And-- and you want to come to dinner?

Well, um-- oh is-- is-- isn't that a pity,

but we're going to be out of town for the whole weekend.

What a shame.

Yeah, what a shame, but we-- we'll miss you.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll be back Monday.

We won't be back before Monday night.

You'll come Monday night?

Oh that's very nice, Herm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm, goodbye Herm.

Oh boy, that's all I need-- him for dinner.

I wish--

I wish we were having him for dinner.

Barbecued!

What is all this?

What's the big problem?

Oh, haven't you ever told Danny

about your cousin Herman, the high lama of the Halper family?

What's so special about him?

You know that restaurant out in Beverly Hills, California,

the, uh, Chalet de Paris?

Sure, it's one of the snazziest joints out there.

Herman owns it.

He owns it?

Why, that's the place we went a couple of times

when Danny was out there for Joey Bishop.

It's fabulous.

Yeah, yeah.

What an exotic menu, huh?

If you don't order something in a flaming dish

they set fire to you.

Oh, boy, that's all I need-- all I need!

Herman for dinner, I needed that, right?

Well, why are you so worried about having him for dinner?

Why?

Because with Herman food is a religion.

KATHY: Well--

He takes his hat off at a butcher shop!

It seems to me that he loves food.

Serving him a good meal is the best way to entertain him.

Well, Kathy, it's just not that simple.

You see, years ago when Charley told him we were going to get

married he tried to scuttle the whole thing.

Why?

Well, he found out I couldn't cook,

and he said I'd never learn.

Yeah, well, he feels pretty silly about it

now because every time I write to him

I throw in a little zinger about the wonderful things

my Bunny's learned to cook for me.

I describe all the elegant dishes, you know.

And I rub it in what a wonderful cook my Bunny has become.

That's telling him, Charley.

Well, I only wish what I was telling them was the truth.

She-- she still don't know how to scramble an egg.

How was I to learn all these years?

Backstage, I was supposed to cook in a trunk?

Well, I mean after all--

I mean, all these years it's just been Charley

and me and we didn't like the fuss and--

well, actually, Charley likes to eat out.

Sure I do.

It's either that or starve.

Bunny, you're going to have a baby.

You've got to learn to cook sometime.

She can't do that to my kid!

He'll eat out with me.

Yeah, Charley, you better take him out with you.

Tell you, this thing has been hanging

over my head for 10 years.

Why did the ax have to fall now?

Oh, come on, you're making a big thing out a nothing.

What are you worried about this clown?

After all, he's a relative.

He's only a cousin.

Danny, he isn't only a cousin.

He's to us like--

like your Uncle Tonoose is to you.

DANNY: Really?

Yeah.

You know in the Harper family, you

cannot make a move without first clearing

it through cousin Herman.

Well, do you know all of my life

I wanted to be a June bride?

But cousin Herman couldn't fit it into his schedule,

so we have to get married in September.

I know what you're going to do!

What?

You are going to learn to cook.

By Monday?

Sure, with a little help from me and Louise.

Hey, that's a good idea, honey.

A crash program.

Do-- Do you really think you could teach me how to cook?

Absolutely.

We'll start the lessons tomorrow morning.

Louise and I will be here at 10:00.

Oh, Charley, do you hear that?

They're going to teach me how to cook.

Me, Bunny, I hope I'm going to learn

how to make all those goodies and how to roast waffles.

Roast waffles?

Fry waffles?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Boil waffles?

Oh, Bunny.

I think we better get here at 9:00.

I think you better spend the night here.

The way I understand is she's got to learn

to be a cook by Monday?

That's right, Louise.

Now, where do you think we should start?

Well, in consideration of the information you gave me,

and keeping in mind the subject's past experience,

and being aware of the extent of her know-how in the matter,

I'd say that we would start showing her how to boil water.

Louise, she knows how to boil water.

Of course.

But it wouldn't hurt to review it.

OK.

Now, will you please give me your undivided attention?

Now, this is a pot.

Pot.

Now, there are two kinds of pots.

There are pots with handles, and there are pots without handles.

And this is a pot with a handle?

Oh, it sure it helps when you have a bright student.

Now, when you have this pot full of water and you boil it

and there's no end of the things that you can do with it.

That's right.

You can boil eggs, you can boil hot dogs,

you can boil potatoes, you can boil vegetables.

You mean you can make all those things

with boiling water?

Sure.

Kind of opens up a whole new world, don't it?

Give me your hat, Charley.

Yeah, thank you.

OK, buddy.

KATHY: Hi, fellas. - Hi, love.

KATHY: I thought I heard you come in.

- You did that. - Hi, Kathy.

Hello, honey.

How-- how did it go with Bunny today?

Did she learn anything?

Oh, guess what, Charley.

What?

Bunny is cooking our dinner tonight.

Oh wonderful!

I'm starved and I--

Bunny is cooking our dinner?

Mm-hmm.

That we're going to eat?

That's right.

All by herself.

We taught her the basics, then we laid out the menu,

we gave her the recipe, and we left her on her own.

On her own?

Mm-hmm.

In a kitchen?

That's the way you get confident.

That's the way you get ptomained.

Charley, she'll be fine.

I bring you greetings from the chef, dinner is served.

Well, Charley, be prepared for a surprise.

Yeah, be real prepared.

Children, dinner.

Russ. Linda.

Kathy, please, not the children.

They're so young.

They have their whole lives ahead of them.

What are you worried about?

Our kids have eaten enough stale popcorn,

cold hot dogs, and cotton candy to be immune to anything.

Come on. - Oh, sure.

Come on, Charley. Just relax.

Sit down over here.

Sure, sit down.

Everything will be fine.

CHARLEY: Remember I warned you.

Uh, children.

Children, Aunt Bunny has cooked tonight's dinner.

Now let's just eat it and no cracks, huh?

That bad, huh?

Just the kind of remark I don't want to hear.

Now, come on.

Sit down like good kids.

BUNNY: There we go, Louise.

Oh, my.

BUNNY: Oh, that's right.

Now everybody just be seat.

Oh, Kathy, now I want you to be seated too.

Tonight you're going to be a guest.

Well, all right.

Mm, it smells delicious.

Mm, yummy yum, hey, Charley?

Hm?

Oh, yeah, yummy yum-- yum.

Charley, dear, I want you to be the first one to try it.

Oh, sure.

Well, why not?

I mean, I would love to.

I-- yum yum, black-eyed eyed peas.

No, it isn't.

Black mushrooms?

No.

Could you give me a little hint?

Charley, it's your favorite dish-- macaroni.

Sure, black macaroni!

It's just a little bit overdone.

Sure, there's nothing like crispy macaroni, I always say.

Well, now, listen everybody I--

I want you to be really honest with me, you know,

and tell me what you think.

Be very frank with me now.

Well, that's fair enough.

Dig in everyone.

OK.

[silverware clattering]

Well?

What's the verdict?

Well?

[HOARSELY] Well, I'm of the opinion--

I'm-- honey-- I mean, honey, you can't ask

me because I'm prejudiced.

What do you think, Russ, my boy?

Me?

I think, um.

Well, I think, uh--

I think kids should be seen and not heard.

Bunny, I-- I think that we-- we better have

another lesson on seasoning.

DANNY: Oh.

Oh boy, a pizza pie.

Pizza?

This is a three layer cake.

I-- I'm sure that it's going to taste all right.

It just fell a little.

You mean it collapsed.

Well, uh, Louise, ma-- maybe we better feed it to the dog.

Not to our dog.

Oh, Louise, go ahead throw it out.

Oh, gee, this meal's a flop.

A big, fat flop and so am I.

CHARLEY: No, you're not.

No, you're not, Bunny.

Look, believe me, honest, really I--

I liked it. I liked it.

I really did, and I'm going to have another helping.

Don't you dare.

I don't want to lose you, Charley.

Oh Charley, how am I going to face

cousin Herman tomorrow night?

Now wait a minute, Bunny, maybe you won't have to face--

But Danny he's coming to the house!

I mean maybe you won't have to face him alone.

Look, Clancey--

Yeah?

Why don't you and Louise go over and cook their dinner?

Now, you guys stay in the kitchen.

Now cousin Herman will be at the dinner table, right?

So Bunny goes in and out, bringing the dishes and so

forth, putting them before him, so he's got to assume

that she's cooked the dinner.

Oh I think that's-- that's a wonderful solution.

But, Daddy, isn't that cheating?

Well, a little.

But so what?

We grown-ups can't keep on setting a good example

for you kids all the time.

[music playing]

Oh, Charley, for crying out loud, will you sit down?

What are you so nervous about?

What am I so nervous about it?

If-- if you had a cousin Herman, you'd be nervous.

Everybody'd be nervous!

Oh, come on.

Kathy and Louise are in there cooking up

a storm, what's to worry about?

I don't think this whole thing is such a good idea.

You got a better idea?

Yeah.

But at this time of night where can you get a plane for Mexico?

- How's it going, Bun? - How's it going?

Oh-- oh, just great.

Marvelous.

Everything's great-- can we call it off?

Will you stop being so nervous?

Yeah, will you stop being so nervous?

DANNY: What are you jittery about?

What-- what are you jittery about?

Don't be so jittery, be like me.

I mean, after all, it's nothing to be

nervous or frightened about.

[doorbell rings]

[both yell]

Cut it out, relax.

Go answer the door.

Everything's going to be fine.

Now, come on, cut it out.

Heigh-ho Charles!

Hiya, cousin Herman.

Not Herman--

Armand.

Heigh-ho, Bunny.

BUNNY: Oh, hi.

Hi there, cousin.

How are you?

Uh, this is our cousin Armand Halper.

How do you do?

How are you? Nice to see you.

Danny Williams.

Danny Williams.

Hi, yes, I remember you.

I remember you very well.

You went in my restaurant once, you and your wife,

and I had the pleasure of pating your foie gras.

I'm, uh, surprised you remember me.

Oh, how could I ever forget a face like that?

I mean, I never forget a face--

like that.

Gee, it's nice to see you, Hermie--

I mean, Armand.

You look well.

Well?

Well?

You mean fabulous?

The worst I ever look is radiant.

Oh, well, uh, won't you sit down?

Oh I'd-- I'd love to.

Thank you.

I, uh, I take it you're here on vacation.

Yes, I'm here on vacation.

That's right.

Oh.

Ohh, bone china.

Very good.

Well, Charles, I must say you're doing very nicely--

for you, that is.

We worried so much about him.

He was the runt of the litter.

Yeah, and you-- you've certainly done well Armand,

and the whole Harper family is proud of you.

And I want to tell you, it's a great honor to have

you here to dinner tonight.

Yes, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to dinner so much.

You know, I remember all your letters that you wrote to me

about Bunny's cooking, and I'm anxious to find out

whether or not you exaggerated.

Exaggerated?

Oh, boy, you in for a surprise.

Eh, Dan?

That's right.

Why, Bunny's a culinary sensation in Manhattan.

Why do you suppose I'm here?

I snuck out of the house tonight just

to get in on one of her meals.

Wow.

How-- How about the hors d'oeuvres honey?

Yeah, how about the hors d'oeuvres?

DANNY: Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Yeah.

Let's-- Let's get the ol' ball rolling, huh?

Yes, we get the ol' ball rolling.

B-- Bunny? Bunny?

Bunny, dear? - Yes, dear?

The kitchen's in there, honey.

Oh!

- Can I help you? - [YELLING] No!

No! No!

Kathy, where are the hors d'oeuvres?

Are they ready?

Well, Kathy, don't tell me you forgot the hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Bunny, they're

right there in front of you. - Oh.

Oh, yes.

Thank you very much.

Oh no, Kathy, what are all these?

Oh, oh, let me see.

Well, uh-- uh-- that's rumaki, and that's shrimp scampi,

and that's tuna puff American.

And this is the-- a whipped crab milanese, truffles, calla lily,

hearts of palm, mozzarella blinis,

and these are sweet and sour meatballs.

Oh, forget it.

I'll never remember all that.

Wish me luck.

Here I go.

Yeah, she's really a fabulous cook.

Bunny!

Bunny, I've got to say it, you outdid yourself again.

I-- I tell you Armand, I never know from night to night what

she's going to come up with.

Honey, what are all these things?

Oh, the usual assortment.

Like what?

Well, like the usual assortment, big mouth.

Well, which one do you recommend?

Which one do I--

oh, well they're-- they're all good.

[laughs]

Good.

Well, which do you consider your speciality?

Oh, well, uh--

why don't you try that little son of a gun in the corner

there?

Well, that's a rumaki.

Oh, then put it back and try another one.

Good.

Uh, what's that funny little thing there?

Oh, that's Charley.

- How about me, honey? - Oh, yeah.

Yes! Danny.

Oh please, help yourself.

Oh boy, it looks wonderful.

Let me in there too.

Oh, delicious.

I must say, I am surprised.

My gastric juices are all agog.

What's the entree?

[MUMBLING] What's the en--

Oh, the entree!

Yes, well, I'm glad you reminded me because I just

better go into the kitchen and then see

that it doesn't get overdone.

Excuse me.

- Can I check it with you? - [YELLING] No!

Back! Back!

[WHISPERING] Kathy, what-- what's the entree?

Oh, uh, Bunny, it's a beef stroganoff á la roux,

string beans almondine, and broccoli with hollandaise.

What was that?

Beef stroganoff a la russe, string beans almondine,

and broccoli with hollandaise.

Beef stroganoff a la russe, string beans almondine,

and broccoli with hollandaise.

Got it.

[clear throat]

Uh, we're having-- uh--

uh-- oh!

Yeah, we're having beef stroganoff a la

russe, and string beans almondine,

and broccoli with hollandaise.

Oh, I love that!

Stroganoff is my favorite!

And I'm going out there to help her prepare.

Oh, uh, say--

why don't you sit down and talk?

But all I want to do is go back and check with her.

Uh-uh-uh.

[inaudible]

After all, I mean, a chef gets a little afraid somebody's going

to steal his recipes, you know?

I do not steal recipes.

Sir, I create them.

Oh.

I want to check on that girl to see what

kind of cooking genius she is.

Oh, say, tell us about Beverly Hills?

Is it true that it's so exclusive the police department

has an unlisted phone number?

That's a very old joke.

Ha ha ha-- oof.

Hey, watch it.

You're creasing my Don Loper original.

Oh, uh, pal, sit down, and tell

a story about Beverly Hills.

You're playing a game aren't you?

Best two falls out of three?

Very effective game.

Oo, ow ow ow!

All right.

All right.

Are you trying to keep me from going into that kitchen?

Now where did you ever get a silly thought like that?

I don't know. It seems that way.

[inaudible] - No!

We just wanted to talk to you.

After all, an international figure like you,

we figured you'd to tell us about California.

That was all. - That's very sweet of you.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

[interposing voices]

Want to sit down?

All right, fine.

That would be nice if we can talk.

Yeah, sure. Sit down.

A little meeting.

Wait a minute!

You can't go in there!

Aha!

So-- so, you cooked every little thing yourself, eh?

Well, I--

Of course she did.

Ah, sure.

Then who are these two?

DANNY: Well they're, uh--

You!

Who you?

Me?

I'm the plumber.

And I suppose you are the plumber's assistant?

Well, I-- I--

Well, let me introduce myself, may I?

I'm Greta Garbo.

Oh!

So that's what's happened to you.

Now come, come, Mrs. Williams, let's stop this silly charade.

What's going on here?

Oh, what's the use?

Charley, tell him the truth.

Oh, Bunny!

Now, come on.

Look, I can't even fry water.

You were right 10 years ago, I--

I was a bad wife then, and I'm a bad wife now.

Well, I suppose every family has its weak link.

Now just a minute, who-- who are you calling a weak link?

So she can't cook, big deal.

You know this happens to be the greatest

human being in the world.

I get down on my knees every day and give thanks

that I got her by my side.

And if you think you can come into my house and belittle her,

now, buddy, you got another thing coming.

I don't mind your vulgar display of emotion,

but you're dimpling my tie.

Do you see what I see?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it possible for me to convey my part to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, then shall we, Mr. Halper?

Be delighted, Mr. Williams.

Good grief, you're not going to do some silly little TV

trick, are you?

Perhaps we'll have a summit meeting and talk like adults.

[upbeat, fast-paced music]

A little-- a little summit meeting?

Summit Meeting?

I hope this is your favorite flavor.

How are you at pitching underhand?

Let's talk like men.

Keep your mouth wide open, I'll show you how to talk.

Shall we countdown?

BOTH: 0 minus 3, 0 minus 2, 0 minus 1--

[trumpets blaring]

[playing piano]

[SINGING] Every morning, every evening--

ALL: [SINGING] --ain't we got fun?

[SINGING] Not much money, oh, but honey--

ALL: [SINGING] Ain't we got fun?

[SINGING] The rent's unpaid, dear.

We haven't a car.

[SINGING] But anyway, dear,

BOTH: [SINGING] We'll stay as we are

Not bad.

[SINGING] Even though we owe the grocer--

ALL: [SINGING] --ain't we got fun?

[SINGING] Tax collector's coming closer--

ALL: [SINGING] --ain't we got fun?

Hot dang, that was good.

[SINGING] There's nothing surer--

ALL: [SINGING] --the rich get rich and the poor get poorer.

In the meantime, in between time, ain't we got fun?

How about it?

We've got to do this more often.

Oh, well, if Bunny cooks us a dinner like she did tonight,

we will.

Yeah, you know, I'm really amazed.

I just can't believe that you learned to cook

like that in so short a time.

You really cooked that dinner yourself?

You're kidding, aren't you?

What do you mean that she cooked that herself?

She wouldn't let anyone in the kitchen.

No kidding. CHARLEY: No one at all!

Danny, she was the only one in the kitchen!

And, honey, I want to tell you I'm proud of you.

Honey, I'm proud of you.

[theme music]