Original subtitles

[music - "danny boy"]

Kathy, sweetheart.

KATHY: Yes?

I'm going to rehearsal, honey.

KATHY: OK, bye.

Love?

KATHY: Yeah?

Now who's moving my golf set around?

KATHY: I don't know.

Well, sweetheart, if you don't mind, I like to leave them in--

Kathy!

Oh, boy, you're so noisy.

You think I'm noisy?

Wait till you hear me if you haven't got the right answer.

Huh? What answer?

My five iron is missing.

Where's my five iron?

Oh, honey, it's not missing.

Oh, thank goodness.

It's over there with the fireplace set.

My five iron?

With the fireplace set?

What's it doing there?

Well, I used it for a poker.

You used my brand new five iron for a poker?

Well, the regular one was broken,

and I had to move the logs.

You moved the logs with my five iron!

Kathleen O'Hara Williams, what's the matter with you?

I--

You some kind of nut or something?

You don't use a five iron to move logs!

I used the wrong club?

Cut that out!

Used the wrong club.

Don't touch these clubs.

These are made especially for me.

Jimmy [inaudible] my buddy made them for me.

I waited six months for them.

Tempered steel, well balanced, weighted for my swing.

All right, what do I knew about golf clubs?

I don't know anything about women's clothes,

but I wouldn't cut up your girdle into slingshots.

[inaudible] damaged five iron.

Oh, it doesn't look damaged to me.

Let me see.

Don't touch it.

Moving logs.

I think you made a seven iron out of it.

All this fuss over one little club.

Gosh, you've got a whole bag full of them.

It seems to me--

I don't care what it seems to you

or what it doesn't seem to you, Kathy.

Kindly keep your hands off my golf clubs.

If that's asking too much, let me know.

OK?

Keep your hands off them.

Hi, Danny.

Hi!

Bye, Danny.

What's with Smiley?

I touched one of his golf clubs.

Oh, the crime of the century.

Sit down, Bunny.

I just made some fresh coffee.

I'll go get it.

Observe.

Bunny, what a gorgeous dinner ring.

Where'd you get it?

Charlie gave it to me this morning.

Oh, what, occasion?

An argument.

Well, Charlie blew his stack a few days ago

about some insignificant little thing.

Like what?

I gave his bowling ball away.

Oh, Bunny, you didn't.

Well, the girls needed something for a charity bazaar.

Besides, he hasn't bowled in months.

Well, when Charlie found out about it,

you should have heard the mouse roar.

I don't blame him.

He started roaring at me, and I roared right back again,

and that got him upset, so he roared again.

And you roared right back.

No, I burst into tears and fled to my room,

my little heart broken.

He came pitter-patting right after I knocked on the door,

but I just go away, just go away.

He went.

Right down to the jeweler's and came

crawling back with this, just begging for my forgiveness.

It was a pitiful sight.

But hey, Kathy?

Did you ever get that hat you like so much at [inaudible]

Oh, Bunny, I was just looking at that hat.

It's much too expensive for me.

I think you're going to get that hat.

I have a hunch that Danny is going

to want to buy you that hat.

What are you talking about?

If I were married to Danny, I'd

have a whole millinery shop.

Kathy, you have got a natural there.

Now some men have a high boiling point.

It's almost impossible to make them explode.

But you, you're married to Mount Vesuvius.

So the next time he erupts, you erupt right back again.

And bingo, before you know it, you're

in a full fledged argument.

But when he's right at the peak of the argument, stop arguing.

Let your little lower lip kind of tremble,

and then let your eyes moist up, a bit and then break into tears

and flee to your room.

Kathy, there is nothing that cuts a man more than that.

They-- well, they just beg for your forgiveness.

So forgive them, after they buy you a little thing like this.

Or in your case, the hate from [inaudible]

Why, Bunny Halper, that--

that's the most scheming, conniving, deceitful piece

of chicanery I've ever heard.

Yes, isn't it?

It's nothing any red blooded American girl couldn't do.

You're not expecting me to do--

You want that hat, don't you?

Oh, you think I could?

Oh, Bunny, I couldn't.

It's so sneaky.

Well, what's sneaky?

Danny deserves it.

I mean, if he's going to blow up like this,

he should pay for it.

And Kathy, listen, you'd really be doing him some good.

Teaching him self-control.

I never thought of it that way.

I would be doing him some good, wouldn't I?

Teaching him something.

It's my duty, isn't it?

Like a missionary.

She wouldn't touch them again.

If those clubs fell on her feet she wouldn't

bend down to touch them.

I gave it to her today.

I screamed and yelled and hollered

and I really shook her up.

You shook her up?

I yelled so loud I cracked the plaster of the apartment.

I hit such a note I think only Lebanese dogs could hear me.

Oh, that's great.

You can be real proud of yourself.

Yep.

A big guy like you, shakes up a sweet little 112 pound wife.

Danny, Danny, is that what you had in mind

when you promised to love, honor, and cherish your wife?

Did you promise to yell and scream at her?

Listen to you.

Listen to Charlie the preacher.

I've heard you scream at Bunny like a wounded bull elephant.

That's the old Charlie Halper.

You are now looking at the new Charlie Halper.

Ever since the other night when I made Bunny cry,

I said that's it, no more.

You made Bunny cry?

You know me, my mouth is always

flapping first and checking with my brains later.

A lot of times I make her cry and when I do it

I feel like a dog.

So I try to find my way back into the human race

by giving her a little present.

And I usually try to give her something I know she wants.

And she wanted a dinner ring, so I went out and got her one.

You mean every time you make your wife cry,

you buy her a present?

Yeah, but no more.

I've been thinking.

We got a baby on the way.

And how is my son going to feel about me if I bully

his mother till she cries?

Golly, Charlie.

If I ever made Kathy cry in front of the kids,

I think I'd want to jump in the lake.

You better watch your step, buddy.

I'll tell you, you know every woman has a breaking point,

and Danny, you keep going this way you're going to make it.

Charlie, every man has a breaking point, too.

She steamed me up.

Well, she picked the wrong time to do the wrong thing.

She knows that I'm always edgy and nervous and irritable

when I'm rehearsing a new show.

So I blew my stack.

I'm telling you, I'm so steamed up at her right now,

I don't know how I'm going to rehearse this new show.

You want to know something, Danny?

You're not steamed up at her, you're

steamed up with yourself.

What?

I mean, you may have been mad for a minute or two because she

used your five iron for a poker, but that's

not what you're mad about now.

Oh, no, no.

You're mad at yourself for losing your temper

and yelling at her.

I sure did yell at her.

You feel like a snake now, huh?

Yeah.

Why do I do it?

Why do I do it?

How can a big ox like me abuse and humiliate a sweet little

defenseless thing like Kathy?

Why, why, why?

I know why.

Because you're rotten.

Yeah, but no more.

I'm taking a page from you, Charlie.

From now on, no more yelling, no more screaming at my wife.

From now on the secret word with me is going to be smiling.

- That will be the day. - I mean it, I mean it.

I know you, Danny.

I'm going to be as gentle as a kitten with my wife,

no matter what she does, I'm not going to lose my temper.

Danny, if you mean that, baby, I'm with you.

Charlie, you don't know what a help it was talking to you.

Now I think you can get some work done.

I'll go back to rehearsal. I'll see you later.

Good.

Oh, Dan?

On your way home tonight, if you really

want to make Kathy feel like you're sorry,

why don't you buy her a little present?

Why?

I didn't make her cry.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, Danny.

Angel, I'm terribly sorry I yelled at you this morning.

Let's forget it, shall we?

OK, that's a real good idea, honey.

Let's just forget it.

That's make like it never happened.

What's-- what's for dinner?

I'm starved.

You are?

Yeah, the guys in the band sent out for sandwiches,

but I said, not me.

Not me, I'm not spoiling my appetite.

Not for my wife's wonderful cooking.

I had them drooling talking about your cooking.

What'd you make for dinner, honey.

For your dinner.

Well.

I've had a very busy day.

I was out shopping all day long with Bunny,

and I just got home, and I've got to change

the buttons on this blouse.

You mean you haven't started dinner?

As a matter of fact, I'm not a bit hungry.

I had a great big lunch today.

That's nice, but what about the kids and me?

Oh, well, I do have some hamburger

patties in the freezer.

Oh, that's good.

Enough for the children.

I can open a can of beans for you.

Beans?

A can of beans?

That's going to be my dinner?

Well, what's wrong with that?

Nothing.

I think beans are nice for a change.

Well, you don't have to be so noble about it.

I have a right to fritter away a day once in a while.

I shouldn't have to cook a regular meal every night.

Lover, there's nothing to yell about.

Linda, why are you sitting there?

You're going to be late for school.

I know.

I'm waiting for Rusty.

He's such a slowpoke.

Here, put your sweater on.

Why don't you call him?

I can't.

Daddy's still sleeping, and you know how mad he gets

when we shout and wake him up.

Oh that's right, he does get mad when we shout

and wake him up, doesn't he?

He sure does.

He just blows his top.

[SHOUTING] Rusty!

You'll wake Daddy up.

Oh, I have to get Rusty off to school, darling.

[SHOUTING] Rusty, darling!

You'll be late for school!

Come on!

[loud whistle]

What's the matter?

What is it?

Who's there?

[inaudible] What's wrong?

What's the matter?

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up.

[muttering] What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Well, I was just trying to get Rusty off to school.

[muttering]

You know how much sleep I had?

Three hours or so.

Three hours, got in at 4:30 in the morning, three shows,

like three hours I slept.

Three hours is plenty of sleep for anyone.

Three hours is a long time.

Just try hanging by your nose for three hours.

Yeah.

Three hours is enough sleep for anybody.

I couldn't go back to sleep now even if I wanted to.

Is Daddy sick?

I don't know, he certainly doesn't act like himself.

Why is dad sleeping on the sofa?

He's not sleeping, he's just relaxing.

Now Rusty, you're going to be late for school.

So yell goodbye to him.

Yell goodbye?

You want him to hear you, don't you?

Oh, no, I'm too young to die.

Rusty.

You do as I say.

Now all together, after I count three,

yell goodbye good and loud.

One, two, three.

ALL: [SHOUTING] Goodbye!

It was my fault, it was all my fault.

I told them to say goodbye to you.

Now don't you dare yell at me.

Don't you dare yell at me!

Yell at me!

Honey, whatever you do, lover, don't cry.

DANNY: Kathy?

Yes, dear?

DANNY: Honey, what happened to my shorts?

Oh, dear, don't you like the way I laundered them?

DANNY: You laundered these?

Oh my gosh, you know?

You know, I'll bet that wasn't water softener I

put it in the washing machine.

That's a good bet.

I'll bet it was starch.

That's another good bet.

I'll bet you don't like starch in your shorts, do you?

You just won a three way parlay.

So, I made a mistake.

I'm sorry.

Well, nothing to fuss about.

Is isn't?

No.

I'll just wear another pair.

Oh, I starched all your shorts that way.

[laughing]

What's so funny?

That's funny, a pair of shorts standing on its own two feet.

Charlie, you know, if I didn't know her better

I would swear she's going out of the way to aggravate me.

Danny, will you stop being silly?

Will you please relax and sit down?

[crackling]

Well, what was that noise?

My shorts are starched.

Kathy, are you sure you have done everything

you could to provoke him?

Oh, Bunny, I've been positively diabolical.

Well, everything you've done up to now all right,

but now we need the big zinger.

The thing that will just knock the pins out from under him.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I've run out of ideas.

Never fear, Bunny's here.

Let me see, the last time he flipped was when you

touched his golf clubs, right?

Right.

Good.

This time you'll donate them to the salvage drive.

His golf clubs?

That are especially weighed and balanced for his swing?

You mean I should give them away?

Oh, no, no, not really.

We'll just hide them.

We'll make believe and pretend that-- where does he keep them?

In the hall closet.

But, oh, Bunny.

Don't you think we're going a little too far?

Uh-uh, just far enough.

Kathy, when he finds out that you have given the golf

clubs away, the lava is going to shoot

right up through the volcano.

Oh, but Bunny.

Will you relax, Kathy?

I can practically see you wearing that hat now.

I'll put them in your closet.

Oh, honey.

Oh, what are you doing home at this time of the day?

Anything wrong with a husband coming home to have

lunch with his sweetheart?

Hi, Danny.

Hello, Bunny.

How's the baby?

Oh, kicking.

Kathy?

Yes dear?

My golf clubs I put in a corner here.

Where are they, sweetheart?

Oh, where?

Yeah, honey.

Where?

Well--

Where are my golf clubs?

Well--

Kathy donated them to the salvage drive.

You're cute.

Where did you put my golf clubs, love?

Danny, I-- I don't think you heard me correctly.

I said Kathy gave them to the salvage drive.

Yes I did, dear.

I really did.

I mean it was a worthy cause, and I

didn't think you needed them.

You-- you--

ahh!

[vocalizing]

Danny, don't you dare use that kind of language to me!

Especially in front of my best friend.

I was never so humiliated in all my life!

[sobbing]

Don't cry, Kathy.

[sobbing]

Oh, Bunny, I almost hope he doesn't buy me that hat.

Oh, Kathy, now don't talk like that.

After all, there is a principle at stake.

Hm?

Kathy, men are like children.

When they misbehave, they have to be punished.

They're too big to spank, so you have to punish

them where they hurt the most.

You have to hit them in the pocketbook.

After all, Kathy, it's for their own good.

And we get a little benefit out of it too.

I guess I just wasn't cut out to be a missionary.

Now chin up, old girl.

After all, you have to do to your sex.

Well, I thought I heard you come in.

Oh, honey.

I-- I didn't know you were home.

Danny, that-- that box.

Isn't it from [inaudible]

It's for Kathy.

Angel, I-- I'm terribly ashamed of myself for yelling at you,

making you cry.

I was in ogre to do it.

And, well I thought maybe I'd try to square myself with you

so I knew you wanted this hat.

You talked about it, so I went to [inaudible]

and bought it for you.

You forgive me?

[sobbing]

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Kathy's so happy she's crying for joy.

Stop crying for joy already, and open the box.

I can't take it, I just can't take it, Bunny.

I can't.

Why not, sweetheart?

Because I'm a deceitful, conniving wife.

She's so overjoyed, she doesn't know what she's saying.

No, I don't deserve it.

And I don't deserve a sweet, wonderful husband like you.

I don't and I'm so ashamed of myself.

And I don't deserve that hat, and I want you to take it back.

Sweetheart, if you feel that way about it, all right.

I do.

I couldn't enjoy it, really, I just--

Well, think of the fun you could have hating it, Kathy.

Here.

Please, she doesn't want it.

Of course she does.

No, I don't, Bunny.

No.

Yes you do, Kathy.

She said she doesn't want it.

Of course she wants it.

She will as soon as she sees what it is.

Oh, I bet it's beautiful, Kathy.

It's something Kathy has wanted all of her life.

I happened to accidentally walk into your dressing room

and I saw my golf clubs, and I realized I was being framed.

But at first I couldn't figure out why.

Then I began putting two and two together,

had that talk with Charlie, made his wife cry,

bought her presents every time he made his wife cry.

And then you, going out of your way to aggravate me.

I couldn't figure out.

Then I realized.

And so, little lady, you think you're kind of smart,

don't you.

You got to get up awfully early in the morning, child,

to fool me, because long before the Irish,

there were the Lebanese.

[inaudible]

[squealing]

You come out of there.

Ooh!

Honey, did you hurt yourself?

Oh!

Beautiful!

Oh.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

[music - "danny boy"]