Original subtitles

[music playing]

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, boy.

Danny, Danny, this nose routine is going to be great.

You know what?

We'll have a big production number

too with the chorus girls, huh?

Yeah.

We'll go to the drugstore and get those noses, you know,

those false noses you put on, those big noses so

that they'd all look like me.

Do they sell them that big?

Beautiful.

What's so funny?

Hi, sweetheart. Oh.

I got a brand new piece of material, honey.

It's really great.

Oh, good. What is it?

Just listen. You'll love it.

Wait till you hear it.

I will?

A ringside seat for the lady.

Ringside table, Madam.

Sit right down, Madam.

Welcome to the Copa Club.

Yes.

It is called an Ode to my Nose.

What kind of a title is that?

Never mind.

Now you listen.

[playing piano]

[SINGING] Sweetest little smeller.

What a mighty nose.

If it had a spigot, I could use it for a hose.

I love my nose.

I can't understand why people talk about plastic surgery,

wanting to have their noses fixed.

Not me, boy.

I was born with it.

I'm taking it to my grave if they can fit it in.

Because I always had a big beak, even as a baby.

I was born with a big beak.

They say the nose was born, and I just grew on to it.

Because one time, my nose got me in very terrible trouble.

We were taking this boat trip to Europe, see?

And I stuck my head out the porthole.

My nose caught the wind and turned the boat around.

Of course, my father--

my father loved my nose.

Loved me too, but he loved my nose better.

He would never go fishing without me.

Never went fishing without me, my dad.

Because when he didn't catch anything,

he just threw me over his shoulder and told everybody

he got a swordfish.

You don't think I'm married to a zombie?

How can anyone so round be so square?

Har di, har, har.

Hey.

Hey, honey.

Honey, are you feeling all right?

I feel fine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

Oh. Wait a minute, Irish.

Wait a minute.

Now something is bugging you.

What is it?

Nothing's bugging me.

I just don't think that routine is funny.

Oh.

Do you hear that, Charlie?

Mrs. Critic here, she doesn't think the routine is funny.

Well, I have a right to my opinion.

You have if it's an honest one, which in this case,

it is not.

Now that's a funny routine, honey.

Now something's bothering you. What is it?

Well, if you really want to know what's bothering me,

I'll tell you. - Thank you.

I hate it when you do jokes about your nose.

What?

Well, most of the time when you work in the nightclub,

I feel very proud because you bring laughter and gaiety

to people, making jokes about human nature

and society and things.

But when you start making fun of yourself, I just hate it.

I mean, you don't have to resort to self-ridicule to get laughs.

Why, you have talent, you have sensitivity, you have warmth.

You have a big nose.

Oh, Charlie.

Stop it. - I'm sorry.

I was just making a joke.

I don't like it when anyone makes jokes about my husband's

nose, not even my husband.

What's with her?

She wants you to throw that routine out?

No, Charlie.

It goes a lot deeper than that.

I seem to have struck a nerve.

Huh?

Nice thing to find out after all these years.

My wife doesn't like my nose.

Huh?

See, Charlie, she wouldn't get all upset

about a couple of nose jokes if she

wasn't sensitive about the subject herself.

She has probably been self-conscious about my face

for years.

She just didn't want to say anything

that would hurt my feelings.

I bet she's even embarrassed when

she's seen with me in public.

Oh.

Come on, Danny.

You're making a case out of nothing.

I mean, there's nothing new about your nose.

You had it when you married her, didn't you?

Or did you get married under an assumed nose?

It's different when you get married, Charlie.

You overlook the defects of your mate.

But as time goes on, you get used to each other.

The defects stand out more.

You begin to notice some more, but you

hide your annoyance because you don't

want to hurt the one you love.

And it's always there, undermining your marriage.

And one day, the truth comes out and poof.

I can't understand how you're making

such a big thing out of such a little thing as your big nose.

You know something, Charlie?

I bet it has been bothering the children too.

Oh, stop.

No, no.

I bet it has.

Russ! Rusty!

RUSTY WILLIAMS: Yeah, dad?

Would you come down a minute, son?

RUSTY WILLIAMS: OK.

I bet you the kids are just as self-conscious about

my nose as their mother is.

Danny.

They probably didn't want to say anything.

They don't want to hurt my feelings.

Danny, what's the matter with you?

- Son. - Yeah, dad?

Come here.

I want to talk to you, boy.

What did I do now?

You didn't do anything.

Oh.

Just sit down, huh?

Now look, Russ, you know, the hardest

thing for a person to do is to see himself as others see him.

And a man of my profession, well, it's important for me

to get an impersonal, accurate picture

of what I look like to others.

Yeah.

I couldn't ask this sort of a question of an outsider.

Because well, I mean, you're close to me,

and I'd rather ask it of you.

Russ, will you please put that down and look

at me when I talk to you?

Yes, sir.

Now look, Russell, even though I am your father,

there must be something about me that disturbs you,

maybe something about my appearance, my--

what are you looking at?

But Daddy, you told me to look at you.

But not with pity.

Daddy, do you feel all right?

Important thing is how you feel.

Now is there anything about my face that--

that makes you--

Sick to your stomach?

Will you please stay out of this?

Russell, look.

Well, tell me what is there about me you don't like?

Oh, no.

You don't.

I'm not going to answer a question like that on the day

before I get my allowance.

Come back.

Deal with it.

You'll get your allowance.

Now answer me.

What is there about me you don't like?

Now come on, boy.

You can certainly think of one thing about me you don't like.

That's not my trouble.

I just don't know where to start.

Cut that out.

Stop being such a wise guy.

That's one of the things I don't like,

the way you yell at me sometimes.

That's not what I want to know.

Well, what do you want to know?

He wants to know why you hate his nose.

I don't hate your nose.

You don't?

Of course, not.

It's a nose, just like anybody else's nose.

It is?

Well, not just like anybody else's nose.

I told you it bothers him.

It doesn't bother me.

Well then, why did you say it's not like anybody else's?

It is. Only more so.

Why only more so?

Say it, say it. Come on, say it.

Why only more so?

It's the ugliest, most horrible thing you ever saw.

Looks like a dill pickle stuck in the middle of my face,

right?

What are you badgering the kid for?

Because I want to know the truth.

That's why.

I want to know how my family feels.

What's the matter?

Baby, come here.

Sweetheart, I want to ask you a question.

Watch out, sis.

Tomorrow's payday.

Get out of here.

I'll find out from the baby.

You know what they say, from the mouths of babes,

you get the truth.

Darling, sweetheart, answer me.

What do you think of my appearance, dear?

Huh?

I mean, what do you think of the way I look?

I think you look very nice.

Yeah.

Well, darling, that's very sweet.

But what-- what-- what do you think about my nose?

What do you mean?

But do you ever cry yourself to sleep thinking about it?

For the last time, Charlie, I'm telling you, butt out.

Do you think my nose is too big?

No, daddy.

I don't think your nose is too big.

You don't?

No.

I just think it looks that way because your face is too small.

You run along now.

OK.

Well, you heard.

My face is too small for my nose.

Russ thinks it looks like a dill pickle

stuck in the middle of my face.

You got the opinion of my family, didn't you?

Now Danny, will you please stop making

a big megillah out of nothing.

Your nose is you.

It's a part of your personality, a big part.

Aha.

You said it.

Come on, Charlie, admit it.

Everybody's talking about my nose.

Admit it.

Everybody's talking about my nose.

I admit it. I admit it.

Every place I go, people are talking about it.

Everywhere, subways, elevators, taxi cabs, everybody is saying,

Danny Williams has a big nose.

Oh, stop being silly.

No, no, no.

You're becoming world famous.

They're tearing down the Leaning Tower of Pisa

and replacing it with a model of your nose.

Oh, will you get out of here?

And the president just made a speech about you.

It was in all the nose papers.

Get out of here.

I'll tell you something else.

You better be careful because Congress is

going to investigate your nose.

You're a nut.

Get out of here.

What do you think, Dr. Crawford?

It's a big job.

I mean, the way you want it fixed, it's a big job.

You want it shortened, narrowed, straightened, and tilted.

Can you do it?

Well, yes.

But it just won't fit with the rest of your face.

What would you suggest?

Keep the one you've got.

OK.

After the operation, I'll keep it on the mantelpiece.

Mr Williams, how long--

have you given this decision as much thought as it deserves?

Look, doctor.

If I think about it, I'll chicken out.

So what do you say?

I don't know.

I don't like to rush into this sort of surgery.

Dr. Crawford, you don't understand.

This is very important to me.

My-- my family is ashamed of me, and I--

Mr. Williams, you're exaggerating.

I'm sure your family isn't ashamed of you.

Look.

If you don't want to do this, I can find a doctor who will.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

Well, all right, Mr Williams.

I will do the operation. - Good, good.

Let's get started.

You mean right now?

Right now.

Well, Mr. Williams, it isn't done just that way.

This is surgery.

It requires a lot of preparation and planning.

But you've got to change my nose before I change my mind.

Now if you don't want to do it, I'll find

some other doctor who will.

Mr Williams, Mr Williams.

I'll do it - You will?

Yes.

Yes, I will.

Good.

Step this way, please.

Where are we going, Doc?

To the operating room.

Is-- is this going to hurt?

No, no.

You'll be under a general anesthetic.

You won't feel a thing.

Now if you'll just follow me, please.

Was this before or after?

Mr. Williams, if you want to back out,

this is the time to say so.

No, no.

No, I don't want to back out.

I-- I owe it to my family.

Wait.

Doc, make me pretty.

Hello, Charlie.

Don't hello Charlie me. Where is he?

Where's who?

Your husband.

I'll kill him.

No.

First I'll sue him, then I'll kill him.

He can't do this to me.

Where can I get a replacement for him

with only six hours notice?

Charlie, what are you talking about?

You don't know what I'm talking about?

No.

That nutty husband of yours just

left a telephone message with my secretary,

told me that he can't do a show for two weeks.

I should find somebody to replace him.

Oh, Charlie.

Danny wouldn't do a thing like that

without telling me about it.

I mean, well, it must be some practical joke.

He's probably just ribbing you.

Come on, Charlie.

Sit down and relax I'm sure he'll be home here any minute.

Kathy, I'm not kidding.

If he doesn't do the show tonight, I'll sue.

I'm going to sue. - Oh.

Come on, Charlie. Simmer down.

I'm simmering. I'm simmering.

LINDA WILLIAMS: Mommy, where are my black shoes?

Oh.

Linda is calling me, I'll be right back, Charlie.

Sure, dear.

I'll simmer here.

You've got a show, you've got people waiting,

you've got tables, you've got a whole thing.

No.

Leaves a message.

[door opening]

Oh.

There you are, funny man.

What kind of message you got to leave.

You're not going to make the show tonight.

You and your practical jokes.

You scared me almost half-- ah.

Well, what-- what happened?

I had my nose fixed.

You-- you had your nose-- your nose, you mean they had--

they chopped.

They cut with a [stammering] No more like what I love?

That whole thing with the hook.

You're fired.

What do you mean I'm fired?

What for?

Danny, this was a very stupid thing to do.

Is it stupid for a man to want to look a little better?

Doctor says I'm going to be a real cute.

Wonderful.

Shave real close, and I'll make you a chorus girl.

You're fired.

Now wait a minute, Charlie.

Now you wait a minute.

I hired a hook-nosed comic, and that's what I want.

And that's what you're not.

And you're fired.

It's OK with me.

I don't have to work for you soon anyway.

When I'm back with my new face, I might get into the movies.

[door slamming]

KATHY WILLIAMS: What's all the racket about?

What's going on?

Ah.

Oh, what happened?

Danny, you were in an accident?

No.

No?

I had an operation.

I had my nose fixed.

You-- you what?

You heard me.

I had my nose fixed.

You had your nose fixed.

Oh, Danny.

You didn't.

How could you?

I did it for you.

You didn't like my old nose.

So--

Oh.

You fool!

Ain't I?

I did it to make you happy.

Oh.

You fool.

You-- Oh!

What's-- well, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

What's wrong?

Daddy, why is mom crying?

Ah.

Daddy, you had an accident.

No I just had my nose changed.

I got a new nose.

You what?

I got a new nose.

What did you do with your old nose?

It's the same as my old nose, dear.

It's just that--

I mean, it's still my old nose.

I just made it look new.

But why?

Well, I did it so you kids don't have to be ashamed of me

anymore.

But dad, we were never ashamed of you.

We love you.

Well, but I thought about the dill pickle and--

Gee, Dad, I wish you hadn't done it.

Son?

Gee, I thought everybody would be happy.

Well, I'm not.

You won't be my daddy anymore.

Oh, darling.

Of course, I'll be your daddy.

I'll just be handsome.

That's all.

But I don't want a handsome daddy.

I want you.

[music playing]

Kathy.

Kathy, how long can I take this silent treatment?

For three days, nobody in this family has talked to me.

I demand that you say something to me here and now.

Excuse me.

Honey, listen to me, baby.

Sweetheart, talk to me.

I love you.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, you have a pretty peculiar way of showing it.

Huh?

People who love people don't make

a drastic physical change without consulting

those they love.

Well, it's my nose.

I'm allowed to do what I want with it, aren't I?

No, you can't.

You're a part of a family.

You're not a you.

You're an us.

You're a part and parcel of those who love you.

And when you do something to yourself, you do it to us.

I only did it to make myself more handsome for you.

Oh, you fool.

Do you think there's only one way of being

handsome, the color ad way?

A face isn't just eyes and lips and a nose.

It's the character and the personality behind it.

Beauty comes from within.

And there was no necessity for you to change your appearance.

I loved you the way you were.

You're making such a big fuss over it.

Gee, I didn't squawk when you changed your appearance.

What?

You didn't consult me when you decided to become a brunette.

Oh, that was different.

I had a very good reason.

I dyed my hair to match a new evening gown.

Well, I changed my nose to match my shorts.

You're not going to laugh yourself

out this time, Danny Williams.

[door bell]

Come on, Kathy.

You're just making a big thing out of it.

Wait till you see it.

You're going to love it.

I know you're going to love it.

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Williams.

Hello, doctor. Come in.

Come in.

I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop

by and change the bandages.

Well, I'm certainly glad you dropped by.

Honey, children, this is Dr. Crawford, the wonderful man

who fixed my nose.

How do you do?

I'd like to fix your nose with a baseball bat.

Here. Russell.

How would you like a kick in the shin?

Stop that.

I don't seem to be very popular around here.

Well, I'm sorry, Dr. Crawford.

But it's not your fault. It's just that we're very upset.

We didn't want our daddy changed.

Well now, how do you know?

You might like his nose a lot.

That's right.

Because how do you know unless you see it.

Hey, doc.

Do you think while you're changing the bandages,

you might give them a little sneak preview?

Well, under the circumstances, I

think it might be a good idea if we gave them a little look.

Just sit down, Mr. Williams.

This will only take a minute. - All right.

Fine.

Now don't you worry about a thing, children.

I'm sure you're going to find that your father has

a beautiful nose.

I can't look.

Somebody tell me how it comes out.

Relax now, children, will you?

I haven't had any complaints yet.

There we go.

There.

There we are.

Oh, doctor.

It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous.

It's lovely.

- It is, huh? - Yes.

You're not kidding me?

No.

Good, huh?

Really great, huh?

I bet it will even be better when the swelling goes down,

huh?

Give me a mirror, honey. A mirror.

I want to see it.

There's one in that cabinet.

Hurry up, hurry up.

I knew what I was doing.

I just knew it.

I told you.

Oh, boy.

I don't get it.

You didn't change my nose.

You didn't really want to change, did you, Mr. Williams?

Oh.

Bless you, doctor.

Oh, daddy.

I'm so glad you're still beautiful.

Me too, dad.

Oh.

I guess I--

I mean, we didn't want it changed.

But I don't understand, doctor.

Why didn't you do it?

I rather like nose jokes.

It's good for my business.

But seriously though, when you came into my office,

I realized you were under an emotional strain.

So when I put you under the anesthetic,

I faked the operation to give you

more time to think about it.

Oh, doctor.

How can we ever thank you?

Oh.

It's quite all right, Mrs. Williams.

Well, I'd better be running along now.

Doc, thanks a lot.

You're a wonderful man.

[inaudible] You're a very wise fellow.

That was certainly the right decision.

Believe me.

It was a difficult decision.

It would have been my greatest challenge.

Sit down here and play this for me.

This is silly.

A guy doesn't sing a love song to himself.

You're not singing it to yourself.

You're singing it for me to you.

Now sit down.

Play.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Don't change.

Be as you are.

For as you are, you are divine.

No shame.

I am so proud of you.

I am so happy too that you are mine.

Don't change.

Keep all those charms.

Those very charms, my arms entwined.

Don't change.

Be as you are.

And as you are, you are mine.

[applause]

[music playing]