Original subtitles

[theme music]

[SINGING] Boo do ba, baby.

Bop boo da de de dah ba doobie.

Doo dee da da do dee.

Biddly boo ba beep.

Diddly be boop bee do dee da doo dee.

Did do de do de do dee.

[music playing]

Louise?

Louise, what on earth are you doing?

I'm twisting.

Louise, I've got work to do.

I got to get this material ready for the Sullivan Show,

so if you don't mind, kindly go twist somewhere else, OK?

Oh.

Please.

Never seen a man like that in my life.

Boy, oh, boy.

[music playing]

Louise, what are you doing now?

I've got an untwist, don't I?

Kathy!

You've got to holler louder than that

if you want her to hear you.

Why?

Because she's at school at a PTA meeting.

Mrs. Williams here, our entertainment chairman,

is planning a most attractive program.

Aren't you, Mrs. Williams?

Well, yes.

There's one detail we haven't quite worked out yet.

I see.

What kind of entertainment are you going to have?

That's the detail we haven't quite worked out yet.

I see.

Really, Phelps, as superintendent

of the schools in this district, I don't

think much of your staff work.

The meeting is tomorrow night.

Well, you see, we did have someone, Mr. Whitehall.

One of the ladies on our committee, her husband

is a member of the City Opera, and he was going to sing

for us, but he got the flu.

But I promise you, I'll provide the entertainment,

and it's not Mr. Phelps fault at all.

It's mine.

No, Mrs. Williams, it is Mr. Phelps fault.

He is the principal of this school,

and those who aspire for an eminent position

must accept the responsibilities that come with it.

Now, if Mr. Phelps had remained in the chemistry department

instead of applying prematurely and against my advice

for a principalship, he wouldn't be

held accountable for PTA meetings

or the success of such.

Well, you talk as though our meeting

were doomed to failure already.

And it is, Mrs. Williams, without

satisfactory entertainment.

Mrs. Williams, your husband's an entertainer.

Yes?

Yes.

Perhaps he could help us out?

Mrs. Brown, that's out of the question.

My husband's going to make a guest appearance

on the Sullivan Show, and, oh, he's working so hard rehearsing

and preparing new material.

I couldn't ask him.

Well, I don't see why not.

After all, he is an entertainer.

It certainly isn't asking too much of him just

to come to our meeting and sing a few little songs.

Miss Keltner, your husband is a dentist.

Why don't you ask him to come to our meeting

and drill a few teeth?

Well, Mrs. Williams, it is not the same thing at all.

I'm sure if my husband were needed, he would cooperate.

You know, I don't think that's very fair.

Mr. Williams gives very generously of his time

whenever he can.

Why, he never turns down a benefit or a testimonial.

If you knew him, Mrs. Keltner, you

would know that he is the most generous,

sweetest, kindest, gentlest man alive.

Then why don't you just ask him?

Because he'd kill me.

Oh.

Oh, I mean, he'd refuse me flatly and unconditionally.

Well, I'm afraid we're wasting time.

Mr. Phelps, in view of the fact that your appointment

as principal is only temporary, I'm

afraid that my report on the failure of your PTA meeting

is going to be viewed by the board very severely.

Ladies, I have my car, can I drop you someplace?

Oh, thank you, that would be very nice.

Thank you, I have my own car.

Mr. Phelps.

Mrs. Brown.

Mr. Phelps, don't you worry.

I'm not really worried, but I am

glad I didn't sell my chemistry books

when I got this appointment.

Our meeting is going to be a big success.

Not unless we have a large attendance.

Well, we'll have a large attendance.

When we announce that my husband's

going to entertain at the meeting,

why, we'll have a full house.

But you said he'd refuse flatly

and unconditionally so you wouldn't ask him.

Oh, I said I wouldn't ask him, and I won't.

But that doesn't mean that I won't get him there.

[SINGING] Why is it I spend the day,

wake up and end the day, thinking of you?

Why does it do this to me?

Hi, Daddy.

Hi.

[SINGING] Is it such bliss to be thinking of you?

When I go to sleep at night, it seems you

just tiptoe into all my dreams.

Oh, I--

You smash the car again?

I did not.

You're overdrawn at the bank?

I am not.

Well, something's wrong.

Does there have to be something wrong for a wife

to kiss her husband?

When she kisses him like that there has to be.

I just wanted to kiss my husband.

Would you rather I'd go out and kiss somebody else's husband?

Oh, stop being silly.

I think a wife comes home she wants to kiss your husband,

and she can't do it without even thinking

she has some ulterior motive.

Sweetheart, the husband is home

trying to get some work done, in walks his wife,

and gives him a kiss that'll water a horse.

What's he going to think?

All right, if you don't want to kiss me, that's all right.

It isn't that I don't want to kiss you, Beloved.

I love to kiss you, but not now.

I got this stuff ready for the Sullivan Show.

Oh, honey, well, you go ahead and work.

I shouldn't have interrupted.

All right, dear. Forget it.

I'm sorry. Will you forgive me, Darling?

Of course, Darling, I forgive you.

Forget it.

You're sweet.

Yeah, thank you.

[SINGING] Why is it I--

What's this lovey dovey mood you're in.

Baby, I got to get this work done.

Will you please stop bothering me?

All right, honey, I won't bother you anymore.

Thank you.

Boy, oh, boy.

It's just that I kept thinking all the way home how lucky I

was to be married to you because your position in life

depends on your own talent and not on the whim

of a tyrant like Mr. Whitehall.

Honey, what are you complaining about, sweetheart?

Who's Mr. Whitehall?

I don't know any Mr. Whitehall.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad you asked.

You know, he's the superintendent of our school

and he just makes life miserable for poor Mr.

Phelps, who really tries hard.

Darling, I'd love to listen to your tale of woe,

but I haven't got time.

If I don't finish this material, I'm going to lay a big egg,

so please don't bother me, OK?

- All right, darling. - Swell.

Fine.

It's just that it bothers me that he's

being blamed when it wasn't his fault

that the tenor got the flu.

Darling, please, you promised not to bother me.

I've got to get this material finished.

Now will you cut it out?

OK.

Fine.

I don't know why--

Oh my God.

I just don't understand--

I am never going to get this done.

Mr. Phelps--

Oh, I can just see Variety Now.

His responsibility.

It is my responsibility.

Hook Nose lays the biggest egg in the history

of show business.

For our PTA meeting tomorrow night.

I'm the chairman of the committee for entertainment,

not Mr. Phelps, and I just don't see

why he blames him when I'm supposed

to get the entertainment.

No.

N-O-O-O-O, no.

No what?

No, I'm not going to entertain at the PTA meeting,

so forget about it.

Now where did you get that idea?

I have no intention of asking you

to entertain tomorrow night.

Good girl.

I just thought as long as I'm your wife,

I should get the benefit of your experience and advice.

My advice to you is don't ask me to entertain

at the PTA meeting tomorrow.

Honey, I'm not going to ask you, really.

Good girl.

I just thought that maybe you would

listen to my ideas at least and tell me what you think of them.

Which are what?

Well, I thought that Rusty and Linda

and I could put on a show.

Put on show?

Uh-huh.

Rusty and Linda and you in public?

Well, sure.

In front of people?

Yes, honey I thought--

Live people?

Yes, I thought we could sing a few songs and tell a few jokes.

Lover, Sweetheart, Darling, you're all

very cute in a living room performing for your family that

loves you, but going out in public

in front of strange people, dear, you can't do it.

You have to have materials.

You can't ad lib it.

Oh, Darling, I've got some wonderful material.

Really?

Yes, I picked up this joke book in a drugstore.

Oh, honey, it's just full of clever things.

Oh, I'll bet it is.

Russ?

Linda?

You just wait, honey.

You just wait.

Children, come in here and let's show Daddy what we're going

to do for the PTA meeting.

OK.

You stand there and there.

You ready, Darling?

Oh, sure.

Russell, why were you late this morning?

On account of my alarm clock, teacher.

Everybody in the house got up except me.

How is that?

There are eight of us and the alarm

clock was only set for 7:00.

Isn't that funny, honey?

Yeah, that's a knee slapper.

Well, if you like that one, wait till you

hear some of the others.

All right, Rusty, when I went home last night,

I found a horse in the bathtub.

What did you do?

Oh, I just pulled the plug out.

Darling, you're not laughing.

No, but I may cry a little.

Linda, did you know that it's raining cats and dogs outside?

Yes, I just stepped in a poodle.

Tell me, Mrs. Williams, what's become of the India rubber man?

Oh, he's gone up to Sing Sing.

The India rubber man has gone up to Sing Sing?

Yes, for a stretch.

Say, Russell, did you know that the India rubber man was

really born in Czechoslovakia?

Sure.

If he says he's a rubber check I'll hit him right in the head.

Oh, honey, you read the book.

You mean to tell me you've got the nerve to take our children,

our own flesh and blood, on a stage in public

and do silly things like that?

Well, Darling, it's up to me to provide the entertainment.

That's not entertainment, that's punishment.

Oh, Kathy, we've got to do better than that.

We?

Yeah, we.

Oh.

Look, I'll take over this whole thing.

I'll entertain at the PTA and you forget about it, huh?

Oh, honey, that's such an imposition.

Yeah, I know, but I can't let you make fools of ourselves.

Why, we'd be the laughing stock of the neighborhood.

You'd get thrown out of the PTA.

The kids would be expelled from school.

And worst of all, people will think

you got those jokes from me.

I'll handle the whole thing.

I'll do the PTA show for you.

Oh, but darling, you're so busy with your rehearsal.

I won't let it interfere with the rehearsal.

I'm not going to prepare any special material for your show.

I'll just do some of my old stuff,

some school days routines or something,

or do a heckling bit.

Is anybody making a speech?

Yes, I'm going to make a speech about the problems

of today's children.

You're going to make the speech?

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Perfect.

We can run it over.

Now, look, all you got to do is keep talking in your speech.

See, you're reading, and I'll start to interrupt

you and heckle you.

I'll throw in lines about children

today, yesterday, and stuff like that,

and you try to shut me up, OK?

Understand?

Make believe you're very upset about it.

It'll be real funny.

Yeah.

But whatever you do, you got to keep on talking.

Oh, I can keep on talking.

I know.

Oh, children, you can go now.

We won't need you after all.

You mean, we're not going to do it?

No, Darling, Daddy's going to do it.

Gee, and I would have gotten a very big laugh with I

just stepped in a poodle.

You got to forgive her, Dad.

She's young.

Oh, Darling, you were so sweet to volunteer.

You know there's nothing in the world

I wouldn't do for you.

Oh, honey, I'm terribly busy.

Congratulations, Phelps.

Excellent turnout.

Well, thank you, Mr. Whitehall, but the credit

goes to Mrs. Williams.

Oh.

Yes, she prevailed upon her husband to entertain.

Well, that's nice.

What will he do?

Oh, I can't tell you that, Mr. Whitehall.

It's going to be a surprise.

Well, I hope it complies with the dignity of the occasion.

The PTA meeting at the 86th Street School last week

was disastrous simply because the professional entertainer

they had gotten had no sense of decorum.

What happened?

He did readings from Mark Twain,

and you know how ungrammatical he was.

Yes.

And then he did some readings from Benjamin Franklin's

Almanac, terribly vulgar.

I had to reprimand the principal very severely.

Yes, well, I'm sure we can trust Mr. Williams to stay

within the proper limits.

Well, I must get down to the auditorium

and take my place on stage.

I wouldn't want to miss anything.

Well, perhaps we'd better go along too, Mrs. Williams.

Mr. Phelps?

Hm?

Well, if Mr. Whitehall thinks that reading from Benjamin

Franklin's Almanac is vulgar, how will he

feel about my husband heckling me from the audience

during my speech?

Heckling you?

Yes, heckling me, you know, interrupting me, insulting me.

Why would he insult you?

Because it's funny.

Well, that might be funny to some people,

but I'm afraid Mr. Whitehall--

is that your surprise?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, heaven forbid.

Heaven forbid.

The real surprise will be if Mr. Whitehall

doesn't burst a blood vessel.

No, no, you can't go through with it.

Find your husband and call it off.

Oh, but I can't.

He won't be here until after we've started.

He's at a rehearsal.

This is a disaster.

Oh, now, Mr. Phelps, it's not yet.

Now, I tell you what, we'll go ahead with the program,

but you keep watching for my husband, and when you see him,

you tell him not to do what we planned.

That he should just sing a few songs

and I'll accompany him on the piano.

I just hope we catch him in time.

Oh, so do I or Mr. Whitehall is liable to have you back

in the chemistry lab.

In a test tube.

And $12.36 for stamps and stationery.

Now, this leaves us a current balance of $23.60.

That is all.

Thank you.

Any corrections or additions to the treasurer's report?

No.

If not, then we'll move along to our principal speaker

of the evening, Mrs. Danny Williams?

Yeah.

Her topic, today's children.

Mrs. Williams.

He's not here yet.

You go ahead. I'll watch for him.

All right. Thank you.

Good evening.

My topic is today's children, their hopes,

their dreams, their problems.

In our complex civilization, it has become increasingly

difficult for the education--

Hey, kid?

What's the matter?

You no see American before?

Please, sir--

I could tell by your pretty puss,

you ain't got no brains in our head.

She ain't got no brains.

Oh, hello.

You know, you ain't got no brains,

because if you think kids today got a problem, you're crazy.

Kid's ain't got no problem.

They got everything.

They got high fi, no?

Television.

Even got air condish.

When I was a kid, only time we have air condish was when

my mama blow on the minestrone.

Please, sir, would you sit down?

would you mind sitting down?

No, I like to stand up because I talk better when I stand up.

That's pretty funny, eh, fat lady?

How do you mean kids got a problem?

Kid got no trouble today.

They don't even walk to school anymore.

When I was a kid, we used to walk 10 miles to a school.

Today, they drive to school.

They got a car pool, and they drive to school.

They drive at the bowling alley, drive at the library.

Everywhere they go, they drive.

I know one kid, he say, I'm gonna run away from home.

His mama say, wait, I drive you.

Sir, of you don't mind, could we please go on, sir?

That's another good one, eh, fat lady?

Well, you know, the parent is the one that got a problem.

The parents have got the problem.

The parents have got to pay for everything.

Kids just spend the money.

The parents have got to pay for everything.

I know, I got a teenage daughter.

She's going to go hospital next week to have a big operation.

Going to have a telephone removed from her mouth.

Please, Mister, [inaudible] like to go on.

You know, you got no brains when

you say the kids got a problem.

The kids no got no problem today.

Pretty soon, they not going to have no school, you know that?

They're going to learn from a TV.

They're going to learn from a TV.

No more school, no more PTs.

They stay home.

Pretty good, huh?

Papa come home from a hard day's work,

and he say, Antonio, hey, you, kid, why

you not go outside and play.

He say, no, Pop, I got to study TV.

Last week, I flunked "Gunsmoke."

Hey, fat lady, no touching my salami.

What is going on here?

Who are you?

Who's me?

Who's you, big mouth?

You like to have a piece of salami?

Hey, you start from that end.

I start on this end.

The last one to the middle is a monkey.

Go ahead.

You want some salami?

Disgraceful.

Absolutely and completely disgraceful.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Really, I didn't know--

You didn't know.

That's been your trouble ever since you took over.

You don't know.

Well, I do, and I know exactly what has to be done.

[knocking]

Now, who is that?

Come in.

You.

Mr, Whitehall, this is my husband.

Your husband?

Yes.

Yes, I, uh, I sort of had a feeling

you'd be picking on Phelps here, and I

just came back to tell you that he had nothing to do with it.

Is that so?

If there's anybody to blame for anything--

No.

No, really, in fact, he tried to stop my husband.

Well, he didn't succeed, and as a result,

we were exposed to one of the most

shameful incidents it has ever been my displeasure to witness.

Oh, that's pretty strong language.

I wouldn't say it was shameful.

That's exactly what I call it, shameful and disgraceful.

We were right in the middle of an important meeting

when your terrible exhibition completely dispelled

all dignity and decorum.

Well, I admit we were a little shy in the dignity

and decorum department, but we certainly entertained the folk.

You heard them laughing, didn't you?

They were screaming with laughter.

Disgraceful.

That meeting was not the right place for laughter.

Well, excuse me, sir, with--

with all apologies to your position and you're importance,

you're off your Continent rocker.

There's no such thing as a right place

or a wrong place for laughter.

Would you say a battlefield is the right place for laughter?

You should have been with me in the USO,

and heard it drown out the artillery and the bombs.

And in hospitals, I've seen it ease

pain and suffering far faster than any miracle

drug you ever heard of.

The right place for laughter.

That's what's the matter with this cockeyed world,

it's forgotten how to laugh.

You get on your knees every night of your life

and thank God for laughter, Mister,

because without it, you'd soon get very sick

of the sound of crying.

Are you quite finished with your little speech,

Mr. Williams?

Yeah, I'm quite finished.

This is going to look very bad on your report, Phelps.

You mean you're still blaming Phelps?

I told you, it's my fault. I did it.

Everything that happened tonight is going on his record.

Oh, I can just imagine what the poor PTA members are thinking

and are saying.

Oh, Mr. Williams, you were perfectly wonderful.

Kathy, you should be so proud of your husband.

You should just hear what everyone is saying.

Yes.

Everyone agrees it was just the best PTA meeting we ever had.

What?

What a wonderful idea.

Some good-natured fun delight in the evening.

Oh, we've always been so solemn, taking ourselves too seriously.

Everyone agrees, if we continue

to have meetings like this, our attendance problems are over.

Everyone feels this way?

Yes, everyone, and I agree with them.

You do, Mrs. Brown?

Yes, I do.

We are awfully pleased with the way

Mr. Phelps has handled things.

Mr. Phelps and Mr. Whitehall.

What?

Oh, Mr. Whitehall.

Yes, thank you.

I don't mean to exaggerate my contribution.

Mr. Phelps was a big help.

Phelps, this report is going to look very fine on your record.

Now, as I was saying, I often say that these meetings

needed a little livening up.

We should inject a little levity.

As a matter of fact, I often say,

be thankful for the sound of laughter

or without it you get awfully sick of the sound of moaning.

Crying.

[theme music]