All language subtitles for The.Danny.Thomas.Show.S09E19.The.PTA.Bash.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

[SINGING] Boo do ba, baby.

Bop boo da de de dah ba doobie.

Doo dee da da do dee.

Biddly boo ba beep.

Diddly be boop bee
do dee da doo dee.

Did do de do de do dee.

[music playing]

Louise?

Louise, what on
earth are you doing?

I'm twisting.

Louise, I've got work to do.

I got to get this material
ready for the Sullivan Show,

so if you don't mind, kindly
go twist somewhere else, OK?

Oh.

Please.

Never seen a man
like that in my life.

Boy, oh, boy.

[music playing]

Louise, what
are you doing now?

I've got an untwist, don't I?

Kathy!

You've got to holler
louder than that

if you want her to hear you.

Why?

Because she's at
school at a PTA meeting.

Mrs. Williams here, our
entertainment chairman,

is planning a most
attractive program.

Aren't you, Mrs. Williams?

Well, yes.

There's one detail we
haven't quite worked out yet.

I see.

What kind of entertainment
are you going to have?

That's the detail we
haven't quite worked out yet.

I see.

Really, Phelps,
as superintendent

of the schools in
this district, I don't

think much of your staff work.

The meeting is tomorrow night.

Well, you see, we did
have someone, Mr. Whitehall.

One of the ladies on our
committee, her husband

is a member of the City Opera,
and he was going to sing

for us, but he got the flu.

But I promise you, I'll
provide the entertainment,

and it's not Mr.
Phelps fault at all.

It's mine.

No, Mrs. Williams,
it is Mr. Phelps fault.

He is the principal
of this school,

and those who aspire
for an eminent position

must accept the responsibilities
that come with it.

Now, if Mr. Phelps had remained
in the chemistry department

instead of applying prematurely
and against my advice

for a principalship,
he wouldn't be

held accountable
for PTA meetings

or the success of such.

Well, you talk as
though our meeting

were doomed to failure already.

And it is, Mrs.
Williams, without

satisfactory entertainment.

Mrs. Williams, your
husband's an entertainer.

Yes?

Yes.

Perhaps he could help us out?

Mrs. Brown, that's
out of the question.

My husband's going to
make a guest appearance

on the Sullivan Show, and, oh,
he's working so hard rehearsing

and preparing new material.

I couldn't ask him.

Well, I don't see why not.

After all, he is an entertainer.

It certainly isn't asking
too much of him just

to come to our meeting and
sing a few little songs.

Miss Keltner, your
husband is a dentist.

Why don't you ask him
to come to our meeting

and drill a few teeth?

Well, Mrs. Williams, it is
not the same thing at all.

I'm sure if my husband were
needed, he would cooperate.

You know, I don't
think that's very fair.

Mr. Williams gives very
generously of his time

whenever he can.

Why, he never turns down a
benefit or a testimonial.

If you knew him,
Mrs. Keltner, you

would know that he
is the most generous,

sweetest, kindest,
gentlest man alive.

Then why don't
you just ask him?

Because he'd kill me.

Oh.

Oh, I mean, he'd refuse me
flatly and unconditionally.

Well, I'm afraid
we're wasting time.

Mr. Phelps, in view of the
fact that your appointment

as principal is
only temporary, I'm

afraid that my report on the
failure of your PTA meeting

is going to be viewed by
the board very severely.

Ladies, I have my car,
can I drop you someplace?

Oh, thank you, that
would be very nice.

Thank you, I have my own car.

Mr. Phelps.

Mrs. Brown.

Mr. Phelps, don't you worry.

I'm not really
worried, but I am

glad I didn't sell
my chemistry books

when I got this appointment.

Our meeting is going
to be a big success.

Not unless we have
a large attendance.

Well, we'll have
a large attendance.

When we announce
that my husband's

going to entertain
at the meeting,

why, we'll have a full house.

But you said
he'd refuse flatly

and unconditionally so
you wouldn't ask him.

Oh, I said I wouldn't
ask him, and I won't.

But that doesn't mean that
I won't get him there.

[SINGING] Why is
it I spend the day,

wake up and end the
day, thinking of you?

Why does it do this to me?

Hi, Daddy.

Hi.

[SINGING] Is it such bliss
to be thinking of you?

When I go to sleep at
night, it seems you

just tiptoe into all my dreams.

Oh, I--

You smash the car again?

I did not.

You're overdrawn at the bank?

I am not.

Well, something's wrong.

Does there have to be
something wrong for a wife

to kiss her husband?

When she kisses him
like that there has to be.

I just wanted to
kiss my husband.

Would you rather I'd go out and
kiss somebody else's husband?

Oh, stop being silly.

I think a wife comes home
she wants to kiss your husband,

and she can't do it
without even thinking

she has some ulterior motive.

Sweetheart, the
husband is home

trying to get some work
done, in walks his wife,

and gives him a kiss
that'll water a horse.

What's he going to think?

All right, if you don't want
to kiss me, that's all right.

It isn't that I don't
want to kiss you, Beloved.

I love to kiss you, but not now.

I got this stuff ready
for the Sullivan Show.

Oh, honey, well,
you go ahead and work.

I shouldn't have interrupted.

All right, dear.
Forget it.

I'm sorry.
Will you forgive me, Darling?

Of course, Darling,
I forgive you.

Forget it.

You're sweet.

Yeah, thank you.

[SINGING] Why is it I--

What's this lovey
dovey mood you're in.

Baby, I got to get
this work done.

Will you please
stop bothering me?

All right, honey, I
won't bother you anymore.

Thank you.

Boy, oh, boy.

It's just that I kept thinking
all the way home how lucky I

was to be married to you
because your position in life

depends on your own
talent and not on the whim

of a tyrant like Mr. Whitehall.

Honey, what are you
complaining about, sweetheart?

Who's Mr. Whitehall?

I don't know any Mr. Whitehall.

Oh, honey, I'm
so glad you asked.

You know, he's the
superintendent of our school

and he just makes life
miserable for poor Mr.

Phelps, who really tries hard.

Darling, I'd love to
listen to your tale of woe,

but I haven't got time.

If I don't finish this material,
I'm going to lay a big egg,

so please don't bother me, OK?

- All right, darling.
- Swell.

Fine.

It's just that it
bothers me that he's

being blamed when
it wasn't his fault

that the tenor got the flu.

Darling, please, you
promised not to bother me.

I've got to get this
material finished.

Now will you cut it out?

OK.

Fine.

I don't know why--

Oh my God.

I just don't understand--

I am never going
to get this done.

Mr. Phelps--

Oh, I can just
see Variety Now.

His responsibility.

It is my responsibility.

Hook Nose lays the
biggest egg in the history

of show business.

For our PTA meeting
tomorrow night.

I'm the chairman of the
committee for entertainment,

not Mr. Phelps, and
I just don't see

why he blames him
when I'm supposed

to get the entertainment.

No.

N-O-O-O-O, no.

No what?

No, I'm not going to
entertain at the PTA meeting,

so forget about it.

Now where did
you get that idea?

I have no intention
of asking you

to entertain tomorrow night.

Good girl.

I just thought as
long as I'm your wife,

I should get the benefit of
your experience and advice.

My advice to you is
don't ask me to entertain

at the PTA meeting tomorrow.

Honey, I'm not going
to ask you, really.

Good girl.

I just thought
that maybe you would

listen to my ideas at least and
tell me what you think of them.

Which are what?

Well, I thought
that Rusty and Linda

and I could put on a show.

Put on show?

Uh-huh.

Rusty and Linda
and you in public?

Well, sure.

In front of people?

Yes, honey I thought--

Live people?

Yes, I thought we could sing a
few songs and tell a few jokes.

Lover, Sweetheart,
Darling, you're all

very cute in a living room
performing for your family that

loves you, but
going out in public

in front of strange people,
dear, you can't do it.

You have to have materials.

You can't ad lib it.

Oh, Darling, I've got
some wonderful material.

Really?

Yes, I picked up this
joke book in a drugstore.

Oh, honey, it's just
full of clever things.

Oh, I'll bet it is.

Russ?

Linda?

You just wait, honey.

You just wait.

Children, come in here and let's
show Daddy what we're going

to do for the PTA meeting.

OK.

You stand there and there.

You ready, Darling?

Oh, sure.

Russell, why were
you late this morning?

On account of my
alarm clock, teacher.

Everybody in the house
got up except me.

How is that?

There are eight
of us and the alarm

clock was only set for 7:00.

Isn't that funny, honey?

Yeah, that's a knee slapper.

Well, if you like
that one, wait till you

hear some of the others.

All right, Rusty, when
I went home last night,

I found a horse in the bathtub.

What did you do?

Oh, I just pulled
the plug out.

Darling, you're not laughing.

No, but I may cry a little.

Linda, did you know that it's
raining cats and dogs outside?

Yes, I just
stepped in a poodle.

Tell me, Mrs. Williams, what's
become of the India rubber man?

Oh, he's gone up to Sing Sing.

The India rubber man has
gone up to Sing Sing?

Yes, for a stretch.

Say, Russell, did you know
that the India rubber man was

really born in Czechoslovakia?

Sure.

If he says he's a rubber check
I'll hit him right in the head.

Oh, honey, you read the book.

You mean to tell me you've got
the nerve to take our children,

our own flesh and blood,
on a stage in public

and do silly things like that?

Well, Darling, it's up to me
to provide the entertainment.

That's not entertainment,
that's punishment.

Oh, Kathy, we've got
to do better than that.

We?

Yeah, we.

Oh.

Look, I'll take
over this whole thing.

I'll entertain at the PTA
and you forget about it, huh?

Oh, honey, that's
such an imposition.

Yeah, I know, but I can't let
you make fools of ourselves.

Why, we'd be the laughing
stock of the neighborhood.

You'd get thrown out of the PTA.

The kids would be
expelled from school.

And worst of all,
people will think

you got those jokes from me.

I'll handle the whole thing.

I'll do the PTA show for you.

Oh, but darling, you're
so busy with your rehearsal.

I won't let it interfere
with the rehearsal.

I'm not going to prepare any
special material for your show.

I'll just do some
of my old stuff,

some school days
routines or something,

or do a heckling bit.

Is anybody making a speech?

Yes, I'm going to make a
speech about the problems

of today's children.

You're going to
make the speech?

Oh, that's great.
That's great.

Perfect.

We can run it over.

Now, look, all you got to do
is keep talking in your speech.

See, you're reading, and
I'll start to interrupt

you and heckle you.

I'll throw in lines
about children

today, yesterday,
and stuff like that,

and you try to shut me up, OK?

Understand?

Make believe you're
very upset about it.

It'll be real funny.

Yeah.

But whatever you do, you
got to keep on talking.

Oh, I can keep on talking.

I know.

Oh, children, you can go now.

We won't need you after all.

You mean, we're
not going to do it?

No, Darling, Daddy's
going to do it.

Gee, and I would have
gotten a very big laugh with I

just stepped in a poodle.

You got to forgive her, Dad.

She's young.

Oh, Darling, you were
so sweet to volunteer.

You know there's
nothing in the world

I wouldn't do for you.

Oh, honey, I'm terribly busy.

Congratulations, Phelps.

Excellent turnout.

Well, thank you, Mr.
Whitehall, but the credit

goes to Mrs. Williams.

Oh.

Yes, she prevailed upon
her husband to entertain.

Well, that's nice.

What will he do?

Oh, I can't tell you
that, Mr. Whitehall.

It's going to be a surprise.

Well, I hope it complies with
the dignity of the occasion.

The PTA meeting at the 86th
Street School last week

was disastrous simply because
the professional entertainer

they had gotten had
no sense of decorum.

What happened?

He did readings
from Mark Twain,

and you know how
ungrammatical he was.

Yes.

And then he did some readings
from Benjamin Franklin's

Almanac, terribly vulgar.

I had to reprimand the
principal very severely.

Yes, well, I'm sure we can
trust Mr. Williams to stay

within the proper limits.

Well, I must get
down to the auditorium

and take my place on stage.

I wouldn't want
to miss anything.

Well, perhaps we'd better
go along too, Mrs. Williams.

Mr. Phelps?

Hm?

Well, if Mr. Whitehall thinks
that reading from Benjamin

Franklin's Almanac is
vulgar, how will he

feel about my husband
heckling me from the audience

during my speech?

Heckling you?

Yes, heckling me, you know,
interrupting me, insulting me.

Why would he insult you?

Because it's funny.

Well, that might be
funny to some people,

but I'm afraid Mr. Whitehall--

is that your surprise?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, heaven forbid.

Heaven forbid.

The real surprise will
be if Mr. Whitehall

doesn't burst a blood vessel.

No, no, you can't
go through with it.

Find your husband
and call it off.

Oh, but I can't.

He won't be here until
after we've started.

He's at a rehearsal.

This is a disaster.

Oh, now, Mr.
Phelps, it's not yet.

Now, I tell you what, we'll
go ahead with the program,

but you keep watching for my
husband, and when you see him,

you tell him not to
do what we planned.

That he should just
sing a few songs

and I'll accompany
him on the piano.

I just hope we
catch him in time.

Oh, so do I or Mr. Whitehall
is liable to have you back

in the chemistry lab.

In a test tube.

And $12.36 for
stamps and stationery.

Now, this leaves us a
current balance of $23.60.

That is all.

Thank you.

Any corrections or additions
to the treasurer's report?

No.

If not, then we'll move along
to our principal speaker

of the evening,
Mrs. Danny Williams?

Yeah.

Her topic, today's children.

Mrs. Williams.

He's not here yet.

You go ahead.
I'll watch for him.

All right.
Thank you.

Good evening.

My topic is today's
children, their hopes,

their dreams, their problems.

In our complex civilization,
it has become increasingly

difficult for the education--

Hey, kid?

What's the matter?

You no see American before?

Please, sir--

I could tell by
your pretty puss,

you ain't got no
brains in our head.

She ain't got no brains.

Oh, hello.

You know, you ain't
got no brains,

because if you think kids today
got a problem, you're crazy.

Kid's ain't got no problem.

They got everything.

They got high fi, no?

Television.

Even got air condish.

When I was a kid, only time
we have air condish was when

my mama blow on the minestrone.

Please, sir,
would you sit down?

would you mind sitting down?

No, I like to stand up because
I talk better when I stand up.

That's pretty
funny, eh, fat lady?

How do you mean
kids got a problem?

Kid got no trouble today.

They don't even walk
to school anymore.

When I was a kid, we used to
walk 10 miles to a school.

Today, they drive to school.

They got a car pool, and
they drive to school.

They drive at the bowling
alley, drive at the library.

Everywhere they go, they drive.

I know one kid, he say, I'm
gonna run away from home.

His mama say, wait, I drive you.

Sir, of you don't mind,
could we please go on, sir?

That's another good
one, eh, fat lady?

Well, you know, the parent is
the one that got a problem.

The parents have
got the problem.

The parents have got
to pay for everything.

Kids just spend the money.

The parents have got
to pay for everything.

I know, I got a
teenage daughter.

She's going to go hospital next
week to have a big operation.

Going to have a telephone
removed from her mouth.

Please, Mister,
[inaudible] like to go on.

You know, you
got no brains when

you say the kids got a problem.

The kids no got
no problem today.

Pretty soon, they not going to
have no school, you know that?

They're going to
learn from a TV.

They're going to
learn from a TV.

No more school, no more PTs.

They stay home.

Pretty good, huh?

Papa come home from
a hard day's work,

and he say, Antonio,
hey, you, kid, why

you not go outside and play.

He say, no, Pop,
I got to study TV.

Last week, I flunked "Gunsmoke."

Hey, fat lady, no
touching my salami.

What is going on here?

Who are you?

Who's me?

Who's you, big mouth?

You like to have
a piece of salami?

Hey, you start from that end.

I start on this end.

The last one to the
middle is a monkey.

Go ahead.

You want some salami?

Disgraceful.

Absolutely and
completely disgraceful.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Really, I didn't know--

You didn't know.

That's been your trouble
ever since you took over.

You don't know.

Well, I do, and I know
exactly what has to be done.

[knocking]

Now, who is that?

Come in.

You.

Mr, Whitehall,
this is my husband.

Your husband?

Yes.

Yes, I, uh, I sort
of had a feeling

you'd be picking on
Phelps here, and I

just came back to tell you that
he had nothing to do with it.

Is that so?

If there's anybody
to blame for anything--

No.

No, really, in fact, he
tried to stop my husband.

Well, he didn't
succeed, and as a result,

we were exposed
to one of the most

shameful incidents it has ever
been my displeasure to witness.

Oh, that's pretty
strong language.

I wouldn't say it was shameful.

That's exactly what I call
it, shameful and disgraceful.

We were right in the middle
of an important meeting

when your terrible exhibition
completely dispelled

all dignity and decorum.

Well, I admit we were a
little shy in the dignity

and decorum department, but we
certainly entertained the folk.

You heard them
laughing, didn't you?

They were screaming
with laughter.

Disgraceful.

That meeting was not the
right place for laughter.

Well, excuse me, sir, with--

with all apologies to your
position and you're importance,

you're off your
Continent rocker.

There's no such thing
as a right place

or a wrong place for laughter.

Would you say a battlefield is
the right place for laughter?

You should have been
with me in the USO,

and heard it drown out the
artillery and the bombs.

And in hospitals,
I've seen it ease

pain and suffering far
faster than any miracle

drug you ever heard of.

The right place for laughter.

That's what's the matter
with this cockeyed world,

it's forgotten how to laugh.

You get on your knees
every night of your life

and thank God for
laughter, Mister,

because without it,
you'd soon get very sick

of the sound of crying.

Are you quite finished
with your little speech,

Mr. Williams?

Yeah, I'm quite finished.

This is going to look very
bad on your report, Phelps.

You mean you're
still blaming Phelps?

I told you, it's
my fault. I did it.

Everything that happened
tonight is going on his record.

Oh, I can just imagine what the
poor PTA members are thinking

and are saying.

Oh, Mr. Williams, you
were perfectly wonderful.

Kathy, you should be so
proud of your husband.

You should just hear
what everyone is saying.

Yes.

Everyone agrees it was just the
best PTA meeting we ever had.

What?

What a wonderful idea.

Some good-natured fun
delight in the evening.

Oh, we've always been so solemn,
taking ourselves too seriously.

Everyone agrees,
if we continue

to have meetings like this, our
attendance problems are over.

Everyone feels this way?

Yes, everyone, and
I agree with them.

You do, Mrs. Brown?

Yes, I do.

We are awfully
pleased with the way

Mr. Phelps has handled things.

Mr. Phelps and Mr. Whitehall.

What?

Oh, Mr. Whitehall.

Yes, thank you.

I don't mean to exaggerate
my contribution.

Mr. Phelps was a big help.

Phelps, this report is going to
look very fine on your record.

Now, as I was saying, I
often say that these meetings

needed a little livening up.

We should inject
a little levity.

As a matter of
fact, I often say,

be thankful for the
sound of laughter

or without it you get awfully
sick of the sound of moaning.

Crying.

[theme music]