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1
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[theme music]
2
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Hi, everybody.
3
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Hi, son.
4
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:31,292
Oh, boy, halawa.
5
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:32,597
Now, Russ, hands off.
6
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:33,816
Oh, just a little piece?
7
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,122
Well, a very little piece.
8
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This is for Uncle Tonoose.
9
00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:38,255
All of it?
10
00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,127
To Uncle Tonoose that's just
an hors d'oeuvre, you know?
11
00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:41,693
Why is he coming
this time, Dad?
12
00:00:41,824 --> 00:00:42,607
I don't know, son.
13
00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:43,652
You know how he is.
14
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He's always full of surprises.
15
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:48,265
Salam.
16
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:52,617
Uncle, hey. how are you?
17
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,576
Uncle Tonoose.
18
00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:57,666
How are you, dear?
19
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,320
Hello.
20
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,409
My goodness, it's so good
to see how well you look.
21
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:02,932
What brings you to New
York this time of year?
22
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,587
What brings me here
I gonna show you.
23
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:07,284
I told you he's
full of surprises.
24
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:08,416
What?
What?
25
00:01:08,545 --> 00:01:09,460
What, Unk, what?
26
00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:10,809
What do you got there?
27
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:11,680
You make--
28
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:15,727
[music playing]
29
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:30,481
- No, really?
- Yeah.
30
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:31,439
No kidding?
31
00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,571
Oh, that's wonderful.
32
00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:34,833
Shut that off.
33
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:35,834
My goodness, really?
34
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,053
- Yeah.
- Oh.
35
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,054
What?
36
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,708
What are you talking about?
37
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:40,839
May you be blessed with a
thousand thousand blessings.
38
00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,319
What may he be blessed.
39
00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,538
Tell me, what are
you talking about?
40
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:44,713
What's the matter
with you, Irish?
41
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,149
Don't you know
what dance that is?
42
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,585
No.
43
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:48,847
Well, gee, Mom, even I
know what that dance is.
44
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,197
- What is it?
- The Lebanese twist.
45
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,374
Oh, come on.
46
00:01:53,503 --> 00:01:55,680
Honey, it's the
bridegroom's dance.
47
00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:56,594
Yeah.
48
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,030
Bridegroom?
49
00:01:58,161 --> 00:01:59,597
Whoever dances it is
going to be married.
50
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,686
What?
51
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:04,776
Oh, Uncle Tonoose,
that's wonderful.
52
00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,561
Oh, wonderful.
53
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:09,216
Do you mean that you're really
going to be a bridegroom?
54
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,130
Sure.
55
00:02:10,259 --> 00:02:11,131
Oh, goody.
56
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,133
Now I can be a grandmother.
57
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:17,659
But why?
58
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:19,095
Why after all these
years as a bachelor
59
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:20,792
you suddenly decide
to get married?
60
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:24,144
You know, pretty soon
I'd be 70-year-old,
61
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:28,103
that's getting into middle age.
62
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:31,803
So I say to myself, Tonoose,
you've been everywhere,
63
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:35,720
you seen everything,
you had plenty of fun.
64
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,853
Now it's time you
don't have fun no more.
65
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,072
You get married.
66
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:41,596
And you're going to be best man.
67
00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:43,206
- Me?
- Yes.
68
00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:44,251
Well, I'm honored, Uncle.
69
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,208
When?
70
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,079
Tell me, when is the day?
71
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,079
April 27.
72
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:49,038
Really.
73
00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:50,387
You got the date set, huh?
74
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,432
Well, where is it going to be?
75
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:52,476
Salemi's farm.
76
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,522
Isn't that wonderful?
77
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:55,914
Who is she, the girl?
78
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:56,915
Yeah, I don't know.
79
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:01,790
You don't know?
80
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,487
No.
81
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:05,054
That's the one little part
that we haven't settled yet.
82
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,186
But you are going
to get married?
83
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:07,839
- Oh, sure.
- The date is set.
84
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:08,927
- Yeah.
- And the place.
85
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,146
Yeah.
86
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,974
Only one thing
missing, the bride.
87
00:03:12,103 --> 00:03:13,018
Yeah.
88
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:16,848
But you are getting married?
89
00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:19,068
Oh, sure.
90
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,722
Children, take Uncle
Tonoose's things upstairs.
91
00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:21,591
Get out of here, will you?
92
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:22,985
Why?
93
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:24,682
Because I want to
talk to my Uncle alone.
94
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,423
Well, gee, Dad, I know all
about the birds and the bees.
95
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:27,728
Will you get out of here?
96
00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:32,560
You always remember.
97
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,606
Of course, for you.
98
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:40,307
Unk, I hate to bore you
with old fashioned ideas,
99
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:46,138
but most men pick the bride
before they set the date.
100
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,749
Because most men
don't know if they're
101
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,793
going to find a woman that's
going to marry with them.
102
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:52,449
But Tonoose, ha ha
ha, Daniel, just
103
00:03:52,579 --> 00:03:56,148
think, if it gets out that
Tonoose is looking for a wife,
104
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,976
I got to beat the
womens off with a stick.
105
00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:03,417
That's why I come to New York.
106
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,507
But Uncle Tonoose, you don't
know any women in New York.
107
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,204
So?
108
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,206
Well, where do you think
you're going to find a wife?
109
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:11,990
We're going to
telephone to her.
110
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,557
Telephone?
111
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,080
Oh, yeah, we'll look in
classified under old maids.
112
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,649
Daniel, why are
you making a joke?
113
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,783
Here, I'm going to
let you telephone.
114
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,741
The telephone number
is on the back there.
115
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,003
That's pretty good
looking woman, huh?
116
00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:27,049
Oh, Uncle Tonoose,
she's lovely.
117
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,050
Who is she?
118
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,617
I don't know.
119
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:33,925
But if she's lucky, she's
going to be your aunt.
120
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,711
Cupid Matrimonial Bureau.
121
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:39,148
Now don't tell me you wrote
to a matrimonial bureau.
122
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,108
I send them $50, and they send
me that picture of that woman.
123
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:45,459
If I like her, I'm going
to let her marry me.
124
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:47,025
If I don't like her, I
send back the picture.
125
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:48,418
They're going to send
me another sample.
126
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,206
You mean these people
are going to introduce
127
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,730
you to your new bride?
128
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,471
Oh, no, they're not going
to introduce me to her.
129
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:58,820
They're not?
130
00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:00,256
No, you're going to
introduce me to her.
131
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:02,737
- Me?
- Sure, you.
132
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,086
I don't know--
133
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,261
No, you're going
to telephone, you're
134
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,697
going to make an
appointment, then
135
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,743
you're going to take me
and introduce me on her.
136
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:09,700
Yeah?
137
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:10,962
I got better idea.
138
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,529
What?
139
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,923
You telephone and you
introduced yourself, huh?
140
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,228
Daniel.
141
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,317
I'm not going to do it, Uncle.
142
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,928
Shame on you.
143
00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:22,365
Am I beggar?
144
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,759
Am I orphan?
145
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:28,328
Am I man without family?
146
00:05:28,457 --> 00:05:30,721
Shame on you.
147
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:37,685
What did he do?
148
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:40,340
It so happens
he's right, honey.
149
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:41,863
It's an old custom.
150
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:44,169
The man never approaches
his bride to be.
151
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,911
He's presented to
her by his best
152
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:48,522
friend or nearest relative.
153
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:49,566
That's why I come to you.
154
00:05:49,697 --> 00:05:51,438
I'm going to do you that honor.
155
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,308
Thank you, Uncle, and I
certainly am honored and
156
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,919
forgive me for not remembering.
157
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,486
You're going to
take me to this woman,
158
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,749
you're going to
introduce me, and you're
159
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:03,580
going to speak of my great
works, my fierce strength,
160
00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:05,365
my enormous courage.
161
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,583
And your humility.
162
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:12,154
That's all right too.
163
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:13,895
Then what else you
going to say, Nephew?
164
00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:14,852
Well, I'll--
165
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,941
Now, wait a minute.
166
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,335
Now, go ahead, make it good.
167
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:27,909
I will say to her, dear
lady, my Uncle Tonoose--
168
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:33,741
Is trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly, courteous,
169
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:38,049
kind, obedient,
cheerful, thrifty,
170
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,704
brave, clean, and reverent.
171
00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:44,534
Where'd you get all that?
172
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:45,927
In boy scout book.
173
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:52,629
You better give it to me.
174
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:53,935
I might be able to use it.
175
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,371
Oh, there's some
good stuff in there.
176
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,634
Oh, that will be
wonderful moment, huh?
177
00:06:57,765 --> 00:07:01,377
That pretty woman
blushing with pleasure,
178
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:06,251
me looking like a
doll, you standing
179
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:09,951
there in full dress suit.
180
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,257
I have to wear
a full dress suit?
181
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:13,737
What else?
182
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:16,740
You're out of your
sandblasted mind.
183
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:20,004
If you think I'm going to go
to some strange woman standing
184
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,311
there looking like
a refugee penguin,
185
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,313
you got another think coming.
186
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,446
The dress suit is
out of the question.
187
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,622
I will not wear a dress suit.
188
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:40,938
Cheerful, thrifty, brave,
clean, and reverent.
189
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:50,731
Dear lady, it is my honor to
present my esteemed and noble
190
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,210
Uncle Tonoose.
191
00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:53,255
How do you do?
192
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,561
I'm fine, thank you.
193
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:58,303
All right, Daniel,
you can go home now.
194
00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,914
Good bye, Mrs. Marshall.
195
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:01,132
Good bye, Mr. Williams.
196
00:08:01,263 --> 00:08:02,917
And don't worry
about me, Uncle,
197
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,701
if anybody wants to know why I'm
dressed like this in the middle
198
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:08,618
of the afternoon, I'll just tell
them I fell off a wedding cake.
199
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:15,712
Well, Mr. Tonoose, I'm
so happy to know you.
200
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:16,887
I don't blame you.
201
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,500
I beg your pardon?
202
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:21,631
I got to warn you one thing.
203
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:22,980
Yes?
204
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:24,591
Just because Tonoose
is looking on you,
205
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,114
don't mean I'm going
to let you marry me.
206
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:27,245
What?
207
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:28,638
You see, I just
window shopping.
208
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,032
I'm not buying.
209
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:32,207
Stand up, please,
and turn around.
210
00:08:32,337 --> 00:08:33,207
Stand up?
211
00:08:33,337 --> 00:08:34,775
Stand up and turn around.
212
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,298
Turn around?
213
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:37,734
Turn around.
214
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,169
Well, what-- what--
215
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:40,128
Not bad.
216
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:41,129
Not bad?
217
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,872
Not good, but not bad.
218
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:46,526
Really?
219
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,049
You could stand a couple
of pounds here and there.
220
00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:49,093
Oh?
221
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,355
Stick out your arm, please?
222
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:51,705
Stick out my arm?
223
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:52,967
You don't hear very good.
Now, stick out--
224
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:54,359
- Why, I--
- Make a muscle.
225
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:56,100
Make a muscle?
226
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:58,538
I'm not sure you could pull
the plow if the mule gets sick.
227
00:08:58,668 --> 00:08:59,539
Oh, really.
228
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,628
Now don't get excited.
229
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:02,803
You still got good chance.
230
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,108
Oh, well, thank you.
231
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,457
Thank you.
232
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:06,763
You got a good head
on your shoulders.
233
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:07,982
Oh, thank you.
234
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,374
A little old maybe,
but pretty good.
235
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,597
All right, we sit down now, huh?
236
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:15,772
Here, sit down.
237
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,513
Oh.
238
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:21,952
We have a little snack, and
then we get better acquainted.
239
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:23,867
You got any halawa in the house?
240
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,521
Hal what?
241
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:29,003
What you call it, you
foreigners-- uh, "halava."
242
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:29,960
Oh, halava.
243
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:30,874
Yeah, you got the halawa?
244
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,093
I don't have any.
245
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:32,963
You don't?
246
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,312
No.
247
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:35,662
What happens if you
don't want to cook
248
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,098
or you don't want to
go to a restaurant?
249
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,187
You don't have one
piece of halawa in house
250
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,449
to keep you alive?
251
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,450
Well, I'm sorry.
252
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,451
Really.
253
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,974
That's all right.
254
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:46,629
All right, you get me
some, what do you call it?
255
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,413
Yogurt and olives, huh?
256
00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:52,069
Well, I'm afraid I don't have
any yogurt and olives either.
257
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,941
What kind of
housekeeper you are?
258
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,769
I want you to
know-- my goodness,
259
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,248
I must try to be a lady.
260
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:58,989
Oh, dear.
261
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,950
Mr. Tonoose, I suddenly have
gotten a terrible headache.
262
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,386
Oh, I'm not surprised.
263
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:07,171
You don't got a balanced diet.
264
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:10,479
Oh, dear, I really think
I should go lie down.
265
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,003
Oh, well maybe better
if I come back tonight?
266
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,918
Oh, I have a terrible
feeling I'm not going
267
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:16,616
to be over my headache by then.
268
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,139
Maybe tomorrow morning?
269
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,836
I really don't think I'll
be over it then either.
270
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,882
Could I use the
telephone, please?
271
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:22,796
Telephone?
272
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:23,840
Yeah.
273
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:24,754
Oh, yes, please, be my guest.
274
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,364
Please.
275
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,149
When you've got these
headaches, how long they last,
276
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:29,759
and you get them often?
277
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,935
Oh, well, under circumstances
like these, for weeks.
278
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,110
Oh, weeks.
- Yeah.
279
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,459
Shush, shush, shush.
280
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:35,852
Be quiet.
281
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,201
Hello?
282
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:39,900
Mr. Cupid Matrimonial?
283
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:42,032
This is Tonoose here.
284
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:46,341
Say, what kind womans you
trying to sell me here?
285
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:50,127
She sick like a dog.
286
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:55,306
For $50, I ought to get one
strong and healthy like horse.
287
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:56,699
Yeah.
288
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:59,006
You better give me
another one, huh?
289
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:06,796
Boy, I hope he finds some
woman he wants to marry soon.
290
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:11,148
I've been in this monkey
suit for four days.
291
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,541
Why is he having
so much trouble
292
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,934
finding the lucky woman?
293
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:16,066
Who's he holding out
for, Elizabeth Taylor?
294
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:19,635
Oh, honey, please, don't bring
up that name in his presence.
295
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,245
Why not?
296
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,988
My next go between speech
will be with Eddie Fisher.
297
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:27,382
Why does he have to
be such a fussbudget?
298
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:28,600
Oh, I don't know.
299
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:30,211
I can't blame him
for not wanting
300
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:31,821
to marry that woman that's
got headaches all the time.
301
00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:33,431
No, I suppose not.
302
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,520
Or the one that
threw the shoe at him.
303
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,438
What on Earth would make
her do a thing like that?
304
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:41,788
I don't know.
305
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:44,616
He said he couldn't
think of any reason.
306
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:47,576
She seemed like such a
sweet little thing too.
307
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,534
But the woman he's with
today, that Mrs. Hotchkiss,
308
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:51,058
she's a nice person.
309
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,755
He certainly won't find
anything wrong with her.
310
00:11:57,107 --> 00:12:00,415
That one I don't want.
311
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:01,851
Why not?
312
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:04,985
That one has got bad eyesight.
313
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:08,336
Oh, Uncle Tonoose, so she
can get a pair of glasses.
314
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,729
Oh, she was wearing.
315
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:13,471
Even with the glasses,
she got bad eyesight.
316
00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:15,256
All right, we were sitting.
317
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:18,781
And one minute, I'm talking, and
she's pouring me cup of coffee.
318
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,827
And the next minute,
I am talking,
319
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:25,092
she's pouring the
coffee in my lap.
320
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,224
Well, I've had that
agency up to here.
321
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,878
I'm calling them right now.
322
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:30,358
You know, I think
they should give
323
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:31,838
Uncle Tonoose his money back.
324
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,404
I certainly will
tell them that.
325
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,363
They got nothing but goofed
up women in that place.
326
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:39,019
Also, they should give me the
money for cleaning the pants.
327
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,107
Hello?
328
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:42,109
Hello, Cupid Matrimonial Bureau?
329
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:43,632
This is Danny Williams.
330
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,113
I'm calling on behalf
of my Uncle Tonoose.
331
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,723
Tonoose.
332
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:48,855
Yes, that's the one.
333
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,987
Now, look-- What?
334
00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:55,949
He did?
335
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:57,951
Oh, no.
336
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,518
Really?
337
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:02,390
Oh.
338
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,391
He didn't.
339
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:08,918
Oh, boy.
340
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:14,532
Well, yes, I understand.
341
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,752
Thank you.
342
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,756
Well, mystery solved.
343
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,411
Now I know why the lady
threw the shoe at him.
344
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:24,455
Why?
345
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:34,204
Did you ask that nice Mrs.
Johnson to show you her teeth?
346
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:35,205
Yeah, sure.
347
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,471
Uncle Tonoose, you didn't.
348
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,864
For sure.
349
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,779
And then the lady
that poured the coffee
350
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,476
in his lap, Mrs. Hotchkiss.
351
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,087
Yeah?
352
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:50,133
He told her he'd marry
her if she put on 30 pounds.
353
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,744
Oh, Uncle Tonoose,
how could you?
354
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,182
And he asked her to
have her nose fixed.
355
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:02,711
She was skinny in
every place but the nose.
356
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,801
That Cupid Matrimonial,
they give me divorce.
357
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,848
You didn't demand them
give me the $50 back.
358
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:10,371
- They beat me to it.
- What do you mean?
359
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:11,894
They'll send you
your money back.
360
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,157
You're not the only one
who's asking for a refund.
361
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,117
All of the women are
demanding their money back.
362
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,248
What?
363
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:19,989
They don't want
to have anything
364
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,122
to do with any agency that has
a man like you for a client.
365
00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:23,514
Why?
366
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:26,474
Because they say
you are uncultured,
367
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:30,260
uncouth, rude,
and disrespectful.
368
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,088
Well, that's all right,
but did they like me?
369
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:41,924
Look, Unk, you think you're
the one who is being fussy,
370
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:44,753
that you can't find
the woman you want.
371
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:48,452
I'm sorry to say this
to you, but I must.
372
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,715
The women don't want you.
373
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:57,809
They don't want Tonoose?
374
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:08,820
So that's the reason for
the long time headaches
375
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,520
and the throwing
the shoe and pouring
376
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:15,175
the coffee on the pants.
377
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:18,526
That Miss Schwartz suddenly
decides she got to take
378
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,788
a trip around the world.
379
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,577
They don't like me.
380
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:29,232
Oh, Uncle Tonoose,
it's not you.
381
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:32,453
It's just that your ways
are a little different.
382
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:34,150
Sure, Unk, they'd
love you if you
383
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,326
were just a little more gentle.
384
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:41,723
You're just trying to
cheer me up, but it's no use.
385
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:46,597
After all, why
should they like me?
386
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:49,296
Because I such hot stuff?
387
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:53,213
Because I good looking
like movie star?
388
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:58,566
Sure, that's true, but
womans want something
389
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,916
else besides in a man.
390
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:06,530
And that something else
besides I ain't got.
391
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:14,321
At my age, that's a
fine time to find out.
392
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:19,587
Womans don't like me.
393
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:32,687
I'd like to give you
a little lesson on how
394
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,123
to treat an American lady.
395
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:34,906
Oh, you're going to
give me a lesson, huh?
396
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,169
Yes.
397
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,431
So she won't pour
coffee in the lap.
398
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:38,823
So she won't pour
coffee in the lap.
399
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:40,129
And if you'll learn
your lesson and become
400
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,783
a polished American
gentleman, I'll
401
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:43,524
call up that fellow from
the matrimony bureau
402
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:44,829
and tell him to give
you another chance.
403
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,179
Thank you, Daniel.
404
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:47,441
Kathy.
405
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,833
All right, go ahead, polish me.
406
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:53,447
OK, now, pay attention.
407
00:16:53,577 --> 00:16:54,448
Yeah.
408
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:55,665
You meet the lady, right?
409
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,712
She extends her hand.
410
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,888
Now, you take the
hand, you don't
411
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,804
squeeze it to see if she's
got a good grip, right?
412
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,199
And don't pump it like you're
going for a bucket of water.
413
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:08,810
Take her hand gently.
414
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:12,814
Shake it gently, if you wish,
or if you desire, you kiss it.
415
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,906
You kiss it?
416
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:18,776
The hand?
417
00:17:18,906 --> 00:17:20,213
Yeah.
418
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:21,605
What's the fun in that?
419
00:17:27,915 --> 00:17:30,571
You don't do it for fun.
420
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,790
You do it because it's
polite, and it shows
421
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,575
that you respect the lady.
422
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:35,489
Oh.
423
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,795
Now try it.
424
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:38,753
I'll introduce you.
425
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:39,754
I know, that's Kathy.
426
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,452
No, she's not Kathy now.
427
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:45,238
She's Mrs. Hotchkiss.
428
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:49,590
Madam, I have the honor to
present my Uncle Tonoose.
429
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,244
How do you do, Mr. Tonoose?
430
00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:58,338
Oh, for crying out loud.
431
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:01,732
Don't slobber all over it.
432
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,995
She doesn't want her hand
washed, just kiss it,
433
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,694
that's all.
434
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,652
Come on now.
435
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,264
Take the hand gently
and kiss it and show
436
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:12,787
that you respect the lady.
437
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,618
How do you do, Mr. Tonoose?
438
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,316
Gently.
439
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:21,317
- Yeah.
- Now mine.
440
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:22,275
No!
441
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,106
How's she gonna-- is
she gonna respect me?
442
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,716
Of course, she'll respect you.
443
00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:31,675
But she doesn't kiss your
hand, for heaven's sakes.
444
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,112
Oh, Unk, now come on.
445
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,200
What is it a burlesque
bit we're doing here?
446
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,940
Pay attention.
447
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:38,029
Now, you've met the lady,
you've kissed her hand,
448
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,207
now say something about
her, how nice she looks.
449
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:44,949
Suppose she looks
like a monkey?
450
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,387
All the more reason
to pay her a compliment.
451
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:51,739
That way she knows you're
kind and considerate.
452
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:53,262
You look very
nice for a monkey.
453
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:54,263
Oh, my.
454
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,012
Now, come on, you
know better than that.
455
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,058
You were born where
poetry was created.
456
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:08,799
Now, come on, think.
457
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:11,585
Say something nice about her
hair and ask her to sit down.
458
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,067
Your hair is very nice.
459
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,765
Come on, we're
going to sit down.
460
00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:19,114
No, no, come here.
461
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,071
Come here.
462
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:21,551
Fellas, now listen.
463
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:22,596
Honey, I'm sorry.
464
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:23,466
We didn't mean to jostle you.
465
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:24,728
Will you pay attention?
466
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,469
You don't pull her
over to the couch,
467
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,079
you show her to the couch.
468
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:28,950
Why I show her?
469
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:29,994
This is her house.
470
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:33,694
She knows where is the couch.
471
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:37,132
Tonoose, it is polite
to show her to the couch.
472
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,351
Now, watch, watch.
473
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,700
Now watch, right
from the beginning.
474
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:43,051
Mrs. Hotchkiss.
475
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:49,013
You are a beautiful lady and
your hair is a halo of stars.
476
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:50,450
Thank you, Mr. Tonoose.
477
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,801
Shall we, please, sit down?
478
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:55,585
Thank you, certainly.
479
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:56,978
After you, dear lady.
480
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:03,289
Now tell me the
truth, you don't
481
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,464
feel a little bit like a sissy?
482
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:05,508
Oh.
483
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:20,958
[MOCKINGLY] No, I don't feel
a little bit like a sissy.
484
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:23,091
It's the polite thing to do.
485
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,267
You treat the lady with respect.
486
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:27,748
You sit and you talk
and not about yourself.
487
00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:29,445
Talk about the weather,
talk about what's
488
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:32,100
happening in the world, but
you don't right off the bat
489
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,928
say to her, well, kiddo,
I give you a big break
490
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:37,105
and I marry you if you
fix your funny shape.
491
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,498
Wrong to say that right away?
492
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:39,412
Of course.
493
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:40,326
When it's right to say?
494
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,850
Never.
495
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:45,635
All right, I mean, say
sweet things to her.
496
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:46,897
You want her to
like you, don't you?
497
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,551
Yeah, sure.
498
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,249
All right, you pay attention
to what I'm telling you.
499
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:52,468
Do like I say and believe me,
she can't help but like you.
500
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:53,382
She can't?
501
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,818
No.
502
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:55,950
She's not going to pour
the coffee on my pants.
503
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:56,994
Certainly not.
504
00:20:57,125 --> 00:21:00,215
All right, let's try again.
505
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,522
Mrs. Hotchkiss,
I have the honor
506
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:06,656
to introduce my Uncle Tonoose.
507
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:08,528
I'm so happy to
know you, Mr. Tonoose.
508
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:15,361
The pleasure is
all mine, dear lady.
509
00:21:15,491 --> 00:21:18,320
Oh, my.
510
00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:21,192
Oh, your hair.
511
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,064
Is something wrong?
512
00:21:23,194 --> 00:21:25,327
Wrong?
513
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:29,636
Are the stars in
the heavens wrong?
514
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:35,729
Is the laughter of a baby wrong?
515
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:41,822
Your hair is like the
stars in the heavens
516
00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:46,740
or the laughter of a baby.
517
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:49,090
Oh, my.
518
00:21:49,220 --> 00:21:53,224
Shall we sit down, dear lady?
519
00:21:55,488 --> 00:21:56,358
Oh, my.
520
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:15,551
Would you like some coffee?
521
00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:16,813
Coffee?
522
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,206
You got good eyesight?
523
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,252
[clears throat]
524
00:22:24,691 --> 00:22:27,650
I mean, that's a
wonderful suggestion.
525
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,260
I would love some.
526
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:30,740
Would you like some coffee?
527
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:33,352
He'd be leaving right away.
528
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:35,963
Oh, good.
529
00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:38,966
I mean, I'll--
530
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:42,665
I'll only be one minute.
531
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:46,060
Every second that you are
away will be like a year
532
00:22:46,190 --> 00:22:48,018
to me, dear lady.
533
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:51,544
Oh, my.
534
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,377
Oh, my.
535
00:23:02,206 --> 00:23:03,773
How was it, Daniel?
536
00:23:03,904 --> 00:23:05,601
How was it?
537
00:23:05,732 --> 00:23:07,908
You saw the result. Why you're a
regular Lebanese Charles Bouye.
538
00:23:08,038 --> 00:23:09,126
I don't think
this one is going
539
00:23:09,257 --> 00:23:10,780
to pour the coffee in the lap.
540
00:23:10,911 --> 00:23:12,347
You can bet me she won't.
541
00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:13,827
All right, then I wouldn't
need this rubber apron.
542
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:22,749
You really got the technique.
543
00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:25,186
You're going to be a
menace to the feminine sex.
544
00:23:25,316 --> 00:23:26,317
Yeah.
545
00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:27,884
Well, I better be going.
546
00:23:28,015 --> 00:23:29,233
Say goodbye to your lady friend.
547
00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:31,453
She wouldn't even
know you're gone.
548
00:23:31,584 --> 00:23:33,281
Daniel, do me one
favor, will you?
549
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,936
On the way home, would you
stop at the bus station
550
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:39,287
and get me one ticket
to Toledo for tomorrow?
551
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,767
Toledo?
552
00:23:40,897 --> 00:23:43,160
You can't go back
to Toledo so soon.
553
00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:44,771
Well, now that you've
got the technique,
554
00:23:44,901 --> 00:23:46,512
why, for heaven's
sakes, why don't you
555
00:23:46,642 --> 00:23:48,731
stay here and get the one
woman you're going to marry.
556
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:49,950
Marry?
557
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,126
But that wouldn't
be fair, Daniel.
558
00:23:52,256 --> 00:23:54,476
Think of all those
ladies in Toledo.
559
00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:57,436
It would be a pity they
wouldn't even get a chance
560
00:23:57,566 --> 00:23:59,481
to meet the new Tonoose.
561
00:24:06,096 --> 00:24:10,057
[theme music]
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