Original subtitles

[theme music]

Hi, everybody.

Hi, son.

Oh, boy, halawa.

Now, Russ, hands off.

Oh, just a little piece?

Well, a very little piece.

This is for Uncle Tonoose.

All of it?

To Uncle Tonoose that's just an hors d'oeuvre, you know?

Why is he coming this time, Dad?

I don't know, son.

You know how he is.

He's always full of surprises.

Salam.

Uncle, hey. how are you?

Uncle Tonoose.

How are you, dear?

Hello.

My goodness, it's so good to see how well you look.

What brings you to New York this time of year?

What brings me here I gonna show you.

I told you he's full of surprises.

What? What?

What, Unk, what?

What do you got there?

You make--

[music playing]

- No, really? - Yeah.

No kidding?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Shut that off.

My goodness, really?

- Yeah. - Oh.

What?

What are you talking about?

May you be blessed with a thousand thousand blessings.

What may he be blessed.

Tell me, what are you talking about?

What's the matter with you, Irish?

Don't you know what dance that is?

No.

Well, gee, Mom, even I know what that dance is.

- What is it? - The Lebanese twist.

Oh, come on.

Honey, it's the bridegroom's dance.

Yeah.

Bridegroom?

Whoever dances it is going to be married.

What?

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, that's wonderful.

Oh, wonderful.

Do you mean that you're really going to be a bridegroom?

Sure.

Oh, goody.

Now I can be a grandmother.

But why?

Why after all these years as a bachelor

you suddenly decide to get married?

You know, pretty soon I'd be 70-year-old,

that's getting into middle age.

So I say to myself, Tonoose, you've been everywhere,

you seen everything, you had plenty of fun.

Now it's time you don't have fun no more.

You get married.

And you're going to be best man.

- Me? - Yes.

Well, I'm honored, Uncle.

When?

Tell me, when is the day?

April 27.

Really.

You got the date set, huh?

Well, where is it going to be?

Salemi's farm.

Isn't that wonderful?

Who is she, the girl?

Yeah, I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

That's the one little part that we haven't settled yet.

But you are going to get married?

- Oh, sure. - The date is set.

- Yeah. - And the place.

Yeah.

Only one thing missing, the bride.

Yeah.

But you are getting married?

Oh, sure.

Children, take Uncle Tonoose's things upstairs.

Get out of here, will you?

Why?

Because I want to talk to my Uncle alone.

Well, gee, Dad, I know all about the birds and the bees.

Will you get out of here?

You always remember.

Of course, for you.

Unk, I hate to bore you with old fashioned ideas,

but most men pick the bride before they set the date.

Because most men don't know if they're

going to find a woman that's going to marry with them.

But Tonoose, ha ha ha, Daniel, just

think, if it gets out that Tonoose is looking for a wife,

I got to beat the womens off with a stick.

That's why I come to New York.

But Uncle Tonoose, you don't know any women in New York.

So?

Well, where do you think you're going to find a wife?

We're going to telephone to her.

Telephone?

Oh, yeah, we'll look in classified under old maids.

Daniel, why are you making a joke?

Here, I'm going to let you telephone.

The telephone number is on the back there.

That's pretty good looking woman, huh?

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, she's lovely.

Who is she?

I don't know.

But if she's lucky, she's going to be your aunt.

Cupid Matrimonial Bureau.

Now don't tell me you wrote to a matrimonial bureau.

I send them $50, and they send me that picture of that woman.

If I like her, I'm going to let her marry me.

If I don't like her, I send back the picture.

They're going to send me another sample.

You mean these people are going to introduce

you to your new bride?

Oh, no, they're not going to introduce me to her.

They're not?

No, you're going to introduce me to her.

- Me? - Sure, you.

I don't know--

No, you're going to telephone, you're

going to make an appointment, then

you're going to take me and introduce me on her.

Yeah?

I got better idea.

What?

You telephone and you introduced yourself, huh?

Daniel.

I'm not going to do it, Uncle.

Shame on you.

Am I beggar?

Am I orphan?

Am I man without family?

Shame on you.

What did he do?

It so happens he's right, honey.

It's an old custom.

The man never approaches his bride to be.

He's presented to her by his best

friend or nearest relative.

That's why I come to you.

I'm going to do you that honor.

Thank you, Uncle, and I certainly am honored and

forgive me for not remembering.

You're going to take me to this woman,

you're going to introduce me, and you're

going to speak of my great works, my fierce strength,

my enormous courage.

And your humility.

That's all right too.

Then what else you going to say, Nephew?

Well, I'll--

Now, wait a minute.

Now, go ahead, make it good.

I will say to her, dear lady, my Uncle Tonoose--

Is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous,

kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,

brave, clean, and reverent.

Where'd you get all that?

In boy scout book.

You better give it to me.

I might be able to use it.

Oh, there's some good stuff in there.

Oh, that will be wonderful moment, huh?

That pretty woman blushing with pleasure,

me looking like a doll, you standing

there in full dress suit.

I have to wear a full dress suit?

What else?

You're out of your sandblasted mind.

If you think I'm going to go to some strange woman standing

there looking like a refugee penguin,

you got another think coming.

The dress suit is out of the question.

I will not wear a dress suit.

Cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

Dear lady, it is my honor to present my esteemed and noble

Uncle Tonoose.

How do you do?

I'm fine, thank you.

All right, Daniel, you can go home now.

Good bye, Mrs. Marshall.

Good bye, Mr. Williams.

And don't worry about me, Uncle,

if anybody wants to know why I'm dressed like this in the middle

of the afternoon, I'll just tell them I fell off a wedding cake.

Well, Mr. Tonoose, I'm so happy to know you.

I don't blame you.

I beg your pardon?

I got to warn you one thing.

Yes?

Just because Tonoose is looking on you,

don't mean I'm going to let you marry me.

What?

You see, I just window shopping.

I'm not buying.

Stand up, please, and turn around.

Stand up?

Stand up and turn around.

Turn around?

Turn around.

Well, what-- what--

Not bad.

Not bad?

Not good, but not bad.

Really?

You could stand a couple of pounds here and there.

Oh?

Stick out your arm, please?

Stick out my arm?

You don't hear very good. Now, stick out--

- Why, I-- - Make a muscle.

Make a muscle?

I'm not sure you could pull the plow if the mule gets sick.

Oh, really.

Now don't get excited.

You still got good chance.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you.

You got a good head on your shoulders.

Oh, thank you.

A little old maybe, but pretty good.

All right, we sit down now, huh?

Here, sit down.

Oh.

We have a little snack, and then we get better acquainted.

You got any halawa in the house?

Hal what?

What you call it, you foreigners-- uh, "halava."

Oh, halava.

Yeah, you got the halawa?

I don't have any.

You don't?

No.

What happens if you don't want to cook

or you don't want to go to a restaurant?

You don't have one piece of halawa in house

to keep you alive?

Well, I'm sorry.

Really.

That's all right.

All right, you get me some, what do you call it?

Yogurt and olives, huh?

Well, I'm afraid I don't have any yogurt and olives either.

What kind of housekeeper you are?

I want you to know-- my goodness,

I must try to be a lady.

Oh, dear.

Mr. Tonoose, I suddenly have gotten a terrible headache.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

You don't got a balanced diet.

Oh, dear, I really think I should go lie down.

Oh, well maybe better if I come back tonight?

Oh, I have a terrible feeling I'm not going

to be over my headache by then.

Maybe tomorrow morning?

I really don't think I'll be over it then either.

Could I use the telephone, please?

Telephone?

Yeah.

Oh, yes, please, be my guest.

Please.

When you've got these headaches, how long they last,

and you get them often?

Oh, well, under circumstances like these, for weeks.

Oh, weeks. - Yeah.

Shush, shush, shush.

Be quiet.

Hello?

Mr. Cupid Matrimonial?

This is Tonoose here.

Say, what kind womans you trying to sell me here?

She sick like a dog.

For $50, I ought to get one strong and healthy like horse.

Yeah.

You better give me another one, huh?

Boy, I hope he finds some woman he wants to marry soon.

I've been in this monkey suit for four days.

Why is he having so much trouble

finding the lucky woman?

Who's he holding out for, Elizabeth Taylor?

Oh, honey, please, don't bring up that name in his presence.

Why not?

My next go between speech will be with Eddie Fisher.

Why does he have to be such a fussbudget?

Oh, I don't know.

I can't blame him for not wanting

to marry that woman that's got headaches all the time.

No, I suppose not.

Or the one that threw the shoe at him.

What on Earth would make her do a thing like that?

I don't know.

He said he couldn't think of any reason.

She seemed like such a sweet little thing too.

But the woman he's with today, that Mrs. Hotchkiss,

she's a nice person.

He certainly won't find anything wrong with her.

That one I don't want.

Why not?

That one has got bad eyesight.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, so she can get a pair of glasses.

Oh, she was wearing.

Even with the glasses, she got bad eyesight.

All right, we were sitting.

And one minute, I'm talking, and she's pouring me cup of coffee.

And the next minute, I am talking,

she's pouring the coffee in my lap.

Well, I've had that agency up to here.

I'm calling them right now.

You know, I think they should give

Uncle Tonoose his money back.

I certainly will tell them that.

They got nothing but goofed up women in that place.

Also, they should give me the money for cleaning the pants.

Hello?

Hello, Cupid Matrimonial Bureau?

This is Danny Williams.

I'm calling on behalf of my Uncle Tonoose.

Tonoose.

Yes, that's the one.

Now, look-- What?

He did?

Oh, no.

Really?

Oh.

He didn't.

Oh, boy.

Well, yes, I understand.

Thank you.

Well, mystery solved.

Now I know why the lady threw the shoe at him.

Why?

Did you ask that nice Mrs. Johnson to show you her teeth?

Yeah, sure.

Uncle Tonoose, you didn't.

For sure.

And then the lady that poured the coffee

in his lap, Mrs. Hotchkiss.

Yeah?

He told her he'd marry her if she put on 30 pounds.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, how could you?

And he asked her to have her nose fixed.

She was skinny in every place but the nose.

That Cupid Matrimonial, they give me divorce.

You didn't demand them give me the $50 back.

- They beat me to it. - What do you mean?

They'll send you your money back.

You're not the only one who's asking for a refund.

All of the women are demanding their money back.

What?

They don't want to have anything

to do with any agency that has a man like you for a client.

Why?

Because they say you are uncultured,

uncouth, rude, and disrespectful.

Well, that's all right, but did they like me?

Look, Unk, you think you're the one who is being fussy,

that you can't find the woman you want.

I'm sorry to say this to you, but I must.

The women don't want you.

They don't want Tonoose?

So that's the reason for the long time headaches

and the throwing the shoe and pouring

the coffee on the pants.

That Miss Schwartz suddenly decides she got to take

a trip around the world.

They don't like me.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, it's not you.

It's just that your ways are a little different.

Sure, Unk, they'd love you if you

were just a little more gentle.

You're just trying to cheer me up, but it's no use.

After all, why should they like me?

Because I such hot stuff?

Because I good looking like movie star?

Sure, that's true, but womans want something

else besides in a man.

And that something else besides I ain't got.

At my age, that's a fine time to find out.

Womans don't like me.

I'd like to give you a little lesson on how

to treat an American lady.

Oh, you're going to give me a lesson, huh?

Yes.

So she won't pour coffee in the lap.

So she won't pour coffee in the lap.

And if you'll learn your lesson and become

a polished American gentleman, I'll

call up that fellow from the matrimony bureau

and tell him to give you another chance.

Thank you, Daniel.

Kathy.

All right, go ahead, polish me.

OK, now, pay attention.

Yeah.

You meet the lady, right?

She extends her hand.

Now, you take the hand, you don't

squeeze it to see if she's got a good grip, right?

And don't pump it like you're going for a bucket of water.

Take her hand gently.

Shake it gently, if you wish, or if you desire, you kiss it.

You kiss it?

The hand?

Yeah.

What's the fun in that?

You don't do it for fun.

You do it because it's polite, and it shows

that you respect the lady.

Oh.

Now try it.

I'll introduce you.

I know, that's Kathy.

No, she's not Kathy now.

She's Mrs. Hotchkiss.

Madam, I have the honor to present my Uncle Tonoose.

How do you do, Mr. Tonoose?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Don't slobber all over it.

She doesn't want her hand washed, just kiss it,

that's all.

Come on now.

Take the hand gently and kiss it and show

that you respect the lady.

How do you do, Mr. Tonoose?

Gently.

- Yeah. - Now mine.

No!

How's she gonna-- is she gonna respect me?

Of course, she'll respect you.

But she doesn't kiss your hand, for heaven's sakes.

Oh, Unk, now come on.

What is it a burlesque bit we're doing here?

Pay attention.

Now, you've met the lady, you've kissed her hand,

now say something about her, how nice she looks.

Suppose she looks like a monkey?

All the more reason to pay her a compliment.

That way she knows you're kind and considerate.

You look very nice for a monkey.

Oh, my.

Now, come on, you know better than that.

You were born where poetry was created.

Now, come on, think.

Say something nice about her hair and ask her to sit down.

Your hair is very nice.

Come on, we're going to sit down.

No, no, come here.

Come here.

Fellas, now listen.

Honey, I'm sorry.

We didn't mean to jostle you.

Will you pay attention?

You don't pull her over to the couch,

you show her to the couch.

Why I show her?

This is her house.

She knows where is the couch.

Tonoose, it is polite to show her to the couch.

Now, watch, watch.

Now watch, right from the beginning.

Mrs. Hotchkiss.

You are a beautiful lady and your hair is a halo of stars.

Thank you, Mr. Tonoose.

Shall we, please, sit down?

Thank you, certainly.

After you, dear lady.

Now tell me the truth, you don't

feel a little bit like a sissy?

Oh.

[MOCKINGLY] No, I don't feel a little bit like a sissy.

It's the polite thing to do.

You treat the lady with respect.

You sit and you talk and not about yourself.

Talk about the weather, talk about what's

happening in the world, but you don't right off the bat

say to her, well, kiddo, I give you a big break

and I marry you if you fix your funny shape.

Wrong to say that right away?

Of course.

When it's right to say?

Never.

All right, I mean, say sweet things to her.

You want her to like you, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

All right, you pay attention to what I'm telling you.

Do like I say and believe me, she can't help but like you.

She can't?

No.

She's not going to pour the coffee on my pants.

Certainly not.

All right, let's try again.

Mrs. Hotchkiss, I have the honor

to introduce my Uncle Tonoose.

I'm so happy to know you, Mr. Tonoose.

The pleasure is all mine, dear lady.

Oh, my.

Oh, your hair.

Is something wrong?

Wrong?

Are the stars in the heavens wrong?

Is the laughter of a baby wrong?

Your hair is like the stars in the heavens

or the laughter of a baby.

Oh, my.

Shall we sit down, dear lady?

Oh, my.

Would you like some coffee?

Coffee?

You got good eyesight?

[clears throat]

I mean, that's a wonderful suggestion.

I would love some.

Would you like some coffee?

He'd be leaving right away.

Oh, good.

I mean, I'll--

I'll only be one minute.

Every second that you are away will be like a year

to me, dear lady.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

How was it, Daniel?

How was it?

You saw the result. Why you're a regular Lebanese Charles Bouye.

I don't think this one is going

to pour the coffee in the lap.

You can bet me she won't.

All right, then I wouldn't need this rubber apron.

You really got the technique.

You're going to be a menace to the feminine sex.

Yeah.

Well, I better be going.

Say goodbye to your lady friend.

She wouldn't even know you're gone.

Daniel, do me one favor, will you?

On the way home, would you stop at the bus station

and get me one ticket to Toledo for tomorrow?

Toledo?

You can't go back to Toledo so soon.

Well, now that you've got the technique,

why, for heaven's sakes, why don't you

stay here and get the one woman you're going to marry.

Marry?

But that wouldn't be fair, Daniel.

Think of all those ladies in Toledo.

It would be a pity they wouldn't even get a chance

to meet the new Tonoose.

[theme music]