Original subtitles

[theme music]

DANNY: Genuine imported champagne.

Fresh off the boat.

Ah.

What about us?

Oh, I haven't forgotten you.

Here we are.

Genuine Elsie the cow.

Fresh off the farm.

Oh, gee whiz.

Well, you may not appreciate this, Russ,

but your liver will.

All right. A toast.

Shalom. - Oh, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Hold it.

I'm the agent who brought you two fellows together.

Let me give the toast, eh?

All right, Philly boy.

Go right ahead.

We are here to sign the contract marking

the 10th annual renewal of Danny's engagement

at the Copa Club.

10 prosperous years, which started

with the purchase of the club by my short friend here.

Yeah, as I recall, he was short about $5,000, which he

borrowed from my mother-in-law.

However, you've got to admit that he had the good sense

to hire for that opening engagement

a young comic, unknown and frightened.

He wasn't as frightened as the audience.

They were paying.

Oh, come on, Phil.

Finish the toast.

You mean there's more?

For heavens sakes, Lincoln took less time at Gettysburg.

Let's just drink. - All right.

Let's just drink.

To us.

You're right.

And now, if you will step into my office,

we'll proceed with the signing of the contract.

Children, party's over.

Come on. Get ready for bed.

RUSTY: OK, Mom. Good night.

LINDA: Bye, Daddy. - Good night, kids.

Good night. - Good night.

Good night. - Here you are.

Look, I don't know why Charley and I

have to have a lot of legal papers, for crying out loud.

Yeah, why can't we just do it with a handshake?

That's right.

Please, friendship has nothing to do with business.

Sign. I've got an appointment.

Oh, Charley's right.

You know, I agree with Danny.

What is with the contract?

We trust each other.

Yeah. what's the difference? Sign.

Let me read it first.

Oh, sign.

Let's get this over with, because I have an appointment.

I want to see--

I want to see a comic by the name of Al Kay

at a place called the Ace of Clubs.

- Ace of Clubs? - Yeah.

Hey, hey.

Isn't that that broken down joint over on the East side?

Yeah, you ever been there?

Yeah, it seats about 40 people, if the seats hold up.

Who's Al Kay?

Oh, he's a new comic over there.

You know, uses that sick material.

You know, the kind of stuff.

An hour after you heard it, you still can't eat.

One of nose.

You really have to go?

I was just going to serve some coffee.

Yep, I've got to sit up with a sick comic.

I'll see you lovely people later.

Bye-bye, agent.

Thanks a lot.

Well, Kath, just a cup of coffee for us, too.

And then we're going to have to go.

Why? What's your hurry?

It's early.

Well, it may be early for you, but in Bunny's condition,

she needs all the rest she can get.

No, it's not me.

It's Charley, really.

I got a lot of rest during the day, but he's so doggone tired.

You know, he's been working hard at the club.

And no matter how late we go to bed at night,

he has to get up early.

Oh, just a smidge of cream, please.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'm sure he doesn't work any harder than Danny does.

Danny's always preparing new numbers,

rehearsing new routines.

He probably works harder than Charley.

Sugar, dear?

Well, now, Kathy, sweetie, let's be realistic.

I mean, after all, Charley owns the Copa.

Danny just works there.

KATHY: So?

I mean, Kathy, it's a little ridiculous.

I mean, after all, Charley is the employer.

Danny is the employee.

I think it's a little ridiculous to assume that an employee

works harder than an employer.

I don't see what difference that makes.

Well, Kathy, darling, after all,

the tail doesn't wag the dog.

Now, now, Bunny, you don't have to be vulgar.

Kathy, dear, all I'm saying is that, after all, an employer

is the person who hires and fires,

makes or breaks, or crushes into sawdust

any employee he so desires.

Just a pinch.

Bunny, dear, employees like my husband

are not easily crushed into sawdust, because they can

pick up a phone and go to work at any nightclub they

choose, leaving their employers nightclub empty, bleak,

and abandoned.

Honey, you don't have to carry it any farther, huh?

Let's just forget it.

Well, honey, let's face it.

Without you, the Copa could very quickly become

New York's swankiest stable.

DANNY: Now, Kathy.

Kathy, sweetie.

Uh, Bunny?

Shut up.

Uh-huh.

Dear, I am quite sure that there

is no one in this entire world who is a more loyal and devoted

fan to Danny Williams than I. However, in order

to run a successful nightclub, you

must be industrious, intelligent, and foresighted,

which to me is a far greater accomplishment

than getting laughs just because you

were born with a comical nose.

Your husband built his nightclub

on my husband's comical nose.

He had enough room to build an entire amusement park.

Yes that is so, Kathy.

After all, Charley works very, very hard.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. - What Danny?

What's the matter with you two?

For goodness sakes.

well, You heard--

You're acting like a couple of kids.

You ought to hear the two of you.

What's the difference whose husband does what?

If our children acted like this, you'd send them

to bed without their dessert. - Yeah.

We ought to send them both to bed without their cold creams.

Shame on you.

I guess I sounded pretty silly.

You-- you were worse than she was.

And you?

What are you getting excited?

You're not supposed to get excited?

You're going to have a baby. - Oh, my gosh.

I only hope the baby didn't hear any of this.

OK, Kathy I'm--

I'm sorry.

I guess I just lost my head.

Well, I'm sorry, too, Bunny.

I guess we-- we both got carried away with pride

in our husband's achievements.

Well, we can't hate them for that.

Can we, Charley?

Certainly not.

Well, I guess I better fix more coffee.

I ruined yours with all that sugar.

Well, listen, I'll help you, Kathy.

Oh, boy.

[laughs] Women are sure funny.

Yeah.

Why can't women be like us?

Yeah.

And all that fuss just because my job

is more important than yours.

Now, you don't really believe that?

Well, yeah.

I mean, what's the difference?

There's a lot of difference.

What's so important about your job?

You must be kidding.

No, I'm quite serious.

It's like saying, if a man puts

on a pair of pants three sizes too big, what's

so important about a belt?

Are you saying that if I wasn't working for you

my pants would fall down?

Danny, I am not knocking your contribution.

But?

But.

Oh.

The owner is the brains, the heart,

and muscle of a nightclub.

What does that make me?

Take any part that's left.

If you don't have an engagement, my friend,

your Copa would be nothing.

My club is a New York landmark.

So is the city dump.

My Copa is a showcase.

I make stars.

Yeah, your Copa is nothing.

Stars are born.

Ooh, I would like to show you.

Ooh, would I like--

I wish we didn't sign that contract in there.

Oh, boy, I would hire that Al Kay.

And in two weeks, people would be saying, Danny Williams?

Wasn't he that busboy at the Copa?

And if I could get that contract back, buddy,

I'd go play at the Ace of Clubs and show you how to make it

the most popular spot in town. What do you think of that?

- That will be the day. - Yeah?

Well, we can't prove it.

So what's the sense of yelling about it.

Why don't we make--

Fellas, I'm glad you're still here.

I forgot to get you to initial the billing clause

in this contract. Now, let me get the--

Oh, fine.

I'll be very happy to initial it.

Here.

What are you doing?

There's my two X's.

Just a minute.

That isn't legal without my initials.

Hi, Phil.

Isn't he up yet?

No.

He worked very late last night.

Yeah, I know.

I never would have believed he could

take that joint, The Ace of Clubs,

and get it jumping the way it is.

He had to do an extra show for the hold on the business.

Well, it looks like he made his point, all right.

Yeah.

Is he taking it big?

I would say so.

Yesterday he tried to hire a skywriter

to fly over Times Square and say, I told you so, Charley.

Yeah.

He proved this point, all right.

And all it cost him was his best friend.

It's a pity.

Yeah, it is.

Well, hi, agent.

Sorry.

Did I wake you up? - No.

No.

I smelled my new contract.

You got it there?

Yeah, it is.

They've offered you everything but the kitchen sink.

That they had to take out to put in more seats.

I'd give anything to see Charley's

face when he hears about this.

Where do I sign?

Bottom of page three. DANNY: Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Here's a pen.

Sorry, this pen only writes with ink.

I know you would prefer blood.

Charley's blood.

What's the big heckle?

Charley wanted the fight, and I'm giving it to him.

What?

Are you sore because I'm winning?

Oh, no, no, no.

We think you're just wonderful.

You're-- you're the great victor,

the all powerful conqueror.

Yeah, go ahead and sign, Genghis Khan.

What are you giving me Genghis Khan?

What is it with you two?

What?

Are you sorry because I took a joint like The Ace of Clubs

and made a classy nightclub out of it?

No, I'm sore because you took a classy nightclub

like the Copa and you're making a joint out of it.

What do you mean?

I mean the Copa is going broke.

The Copa's going broke.

Yeah.

Oh come off it, Phil.

Well, I heard it reported that that new comic

opened to a packed house.

That's right.

But the second night, the new comic ran out of relatives.

Well, if the kid isn't doing any business,

why didn't Charley let him go and get Milton Burl,

or Jan Murray, or Joey Bishop?

That would be too simple.

As soon as he did that, he'd prove that you were right

and he was wrong.

So he's going all the way with this sick comic.

He's going to prove he can make a hit out

of him if he has to take all his jokes

and send him to the hospital.

Come on, sign, will you?

I want some fresh air.

Danny, you've got to do something.

What do you expect me to do?

I expect you to call Charley up and tell him you're

sorry this whole thing started.

Call it off.

I mean, Charley's your best friend.

Haven't you any sentiment?

Me no sentiment?

Holy smokes.

I cry when I accidentally step on a fly.

Yeah, sure you cry at fly funerals, but people you swat.

I'm not buying this, Phil.

No, it's incredible that an institution like the Copa

could go bankrupt in such a short time.

Why is an incredible?

With the big overhead that Charley's carrying,

one week's bad business knocks out months of profit.

It doesn't make sense. I don't understand it.

I just don't understand it.

What am I arguing with you for?

Would you please sign the contract?

You're the all powerful conqueror.

You crush everything in your path.

Go ahead. Sign.

Oh, Danny, you did it.

You actually did it.

Oh, I never want to speak to you again.

OK.

I'll bring this over The Ace of Clubs,

but don't bother to pay me any commissions on it.

How could you be so heartless?

Yeah, he's illiterate, too.

What do you mean?

Look at the way he signed Genghis Kohn, K-O-H-N.

Oh, honey, I should have known.

Oh, you big phony.

Putting us on.

Now all I got to do is get back to the Copa.

That's right.

But how do I do that?

You know Charley's pride is not going to let him back

down until he proves his point.

Yeah, I got that figured.

Though, how is it that you're ready to help him?

It's because you heard he was in trouble, right?

Yeah.

Well, if he hears you're in trouble,

he'll be ready to help you.

That's a good idea.

It's a wonderful idea.

Except I'm not in trouble.

Ace of Clubs is doing a land off his business, and he knows it.

That's all right.

We can tell him that you're papering the house.

But we'll tell him that, as a matter of fact,

Danny isn't even drawing flies, that the management

would give anything they had to be able to break his contract.

We'll say that Danny is laying the biggest

egg in show business.

Let's let him starve.

Why don't you go up and get dressed?

We'll go over and see Charley as soon as I can fix it.

OK, fine.

You-- you can help, you know?

Me?

You can get on the phone and call Bunny and soften her up.

Give her a big sob story.

So she'll go to work on Charley. Go on.

Call her.

Oh, gee, Phil.

I hope it'll work.

You know, it's not going to be easy to fool

Charley into thinking that Danny's in trouble.

Why not?

It was pretty easy to fool you and Danny into thinking

that Charley's in trouble.

$4,700.

Charley, will you please stop caressing that money

and tell me what are you going to do about Danny.

Will you just let me finish counting the weekend receipts?

Well, how long do I have to wait?

I've been here since a quarter past $3,000.

I'll be through in a second.

I got to bring this over to the bank after lunch.

Oh, boy, that steak smells good.

Will there be anything else, sir?

Mm, just tell Lillian Russell Diamond Jim's going

to be a little late today.

Charley, how can you eat after the things

that I have told you about Danny?

Do you know that he may have to pawn Kathy's jewelry

in order to pay their debts? - Terrible.

Terrible. - Hmm.

And do you know they may have to let go of their maid

after all these years?

Just terrible.

And on top of that, Danny may have

to cash in his life insurance.

It's terrible.

You bet it's terrible.

It sure is.

The waiter brings in a steak, and forgets ketchup.

Honey.

Honey, look.

Don't you think I check my competition?

The Ace of Clubs is packed every night.

Danny is doing great.

I'm doing great.

He doesn't need me.

And all I need is some ketchup.

Charles Halper, if you think you are going

to eat while I am talking to you,

you have another thing coming.

you Stole my steak.

Do I get some attention?

You want me to call a cop?

You know there's a law against steak snatching?

Charley, do you know why Danny is doing such great business

as The Ace of Clubs.

Give me back my steak.

Charley, I will tell you why Danny

is doing such great business.

Every night he is packing the place with his friends

and picking up the tabs.

He's going broke trying to prove that he

doesn't need you or the Copa.

Do you hear me, Charley?

Your best friend is going broke.

Really?

Really.

I mean, this is on the level.

It's on the level.

Now you can eat your steak.

Now when I can't eat, she wants me to eat.

Danny is such a great entertainer.

How could he flop?

Charley, I can stand stupidity, but I cannot

stand a man without brains.

Charley, look, Danny can not be great in a dive.

Danny needs a glamorous setting, like the Copa.

What can I do to help poor Danny?

I-- I want to talk to Phil.

That's a good idea.

I want to talk to Phil.

Hi, Charley.

Hi, Phil.

Phil?

Phil, I want to talk to you.

It's very important.

Well, sure.

Can you come right over?

Yeah.

Good.

I told him everything.

He's all yours.

Look, Charley, I got the poor fella outside.

I told him to drop by here and say hello to you

just for old time's sake.

Oh, he is in bad shape, Charley.

Well, we've got to do something, Phil.

Tell me, what can I do to help? - I don't know.

We got to do something, because he

has gone broke trying to prove that he was right

and you were wrong.

Oh, well, well, bring him in.

We'll shake hands, and I'll put him back in a show tomorrow

night. - No.

No.

No, you can't do it that way, Charley,

because he's got his pride.

His pride.

If you can only figure out some way to make

it seem as though you need him.

You see, if you do something, you say something like maybe

you're going bankrupt.

I'm going bankrupt?

Hey, that's a good idea.

I hear you say that.

And if you could tell them something like,

if he doesn't come back to work for you,

you're out of business. - I'm out of business?

Yeah.

I'm out of business.

And you need him to keep your creditors off you back.

To keep my creditors off my back?

Good for you. Good thinking, Charley.

Huh? Thinking, huh?

Up there.

Charley, oh, you're a wonderful little man.

Yes, sir.

Look, I'll tell you what, we'll go out.

We'll send Danny in.

We'll leave him alone with Danny.

Yeah. I need him.

Oh, wait. Wait wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Here.

It looks like you're living like a king I know what.

We'll file this away.

You can eat it later.

Well, you file it under S so I can find it.

Charley, get all that money out of the way, will you?

Oh, the money? Yeah.

This is no place for a broke or bankrupt--

[chatter] Look poor.

Put it away.

[music playing]

Hello, Mr. Halper.

What?

Mr. Halper.

Charley.

Come on, Danny.

Sit down.

You're very nice to see me, Mr. Charley.

Danny, it's very nice of you to drop by to visit me.

How's business at The Ace of Clubs.

Oh, last night we did twice as good as the night before.

Oh.

We had two customers.

Two customers?

What's a customer?

You-- you mean your business is bad?

Yeah, I gotta admit, it's fallen off a bit, like 160%.

You-- you care for a cigar, Dan.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I'd like that.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I thought I'd save half for after dinner.

Yeah, it's like old times, isn't it, Charley?

No, Danny.

Not like old times.

At all times, you worked here.

Not-- you didn't just visit.

Yeah.

Those were the good old days.

Look, Danny, if I would have--

what-- what-- what were you going to say?

What were you going to say?

I was going to say, there's no use kidding.

I'm headed for bankruptcy.

Yeah, i--

I've completely forgotten what mooney looks like.

Mooney?

Who is Mooney?

Mooney, what people use to pay their checks with.

Do you mean money?

You see, I even forgot what it sounds like.

Oh, hello, Mr. Williams.

Nice to see you again.

How are you, Jenny?

Nice to see you.

I'll be out of your way in a second, Mr. Halper.

No, don't.

Don't-- don't bother at all.

Leave it-- just leave it alone.

Well, I got to give this trash to the garbage company.

No. No.

If you do that, we'll have every garbage collector in town

on our front step.

Just let it go.

What are you getting excited about?

Let her trow the trash out. - Sure.

I'll bring the basket right back.

No. No.

Please, I don't want her to throw out the trash.

I want to keep it.

Call me sentimental.

I love trash.

Mr. Halper, you're always making jokes.

Why, nobody likes trash.

I'm not joking.

I love trash.

Why don't you give her the can--

I love trash. i--

Oh.

Um--

Look at all the mooney.

It's uh-- it's not real money.

It's stage money.

We use it in the show.

Oh, my grandchildren just love to play with stage money.

No.

It's only stage money.

Let her have some.

Well, um, take one.

Not just one.

Here's a handful.

Oh.

My children have a wonderful time

playing Monopoly with this.

Boy, it sure looks real, Charley.

Yeah.

Doesn't it look real?

Sure does.

Hey, you know what would be a great gag,

I go over to Lindey's and light a cigar with this $100 bill.

The boys that pass out, wouldn't they?

I'd pass out, too.

Let's see-- it sure looks so real.

Hey, you got a match?

A-- a match?

Yeah, I want to light my cigar with it.

I think it would be a cute thing.

Here.

Lend me a match.

Danny, you know, I'll tell you the truth,

the big bills don't burn so good.

Why don't use the small one.

What's the difference?

It's only stage money.

It's not real.

Looks real, but it certainly can't be, not if business

is as bad as you say. Here, light it up.

Yeah, it's not-- it's not real.

It's not--

You can open your eyes now.

You big phony.

Here.

What are you putting on an act for me for?

I had to put on an act.

Why?

Because you are such a stubborn mule.

You'd never come back unless you thought I needed you.

There's something strange here.

I'm putting on an act, too.

What?

Business is great at The Ace of Clubs.

Great.

Packing it in every night.

I'm doing great.

Yeah, well, you came in and said everything was so bad,

your two customers and--

Well, because Phil said you needed me.

Phil said you needed me.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Just light it up.

Well, he's right, you know?

We do need each other.

But for a lot more important reasons than money.

But I'm doing great, and you're doing great.

Yeah.

And the cleaning woman did better than both of us.

Yeah I had a real big weekend until you gave the profits

to the cleaning woman.

Oh, say, Mr. Halper, I've got a lot of grandchildren.

I was just thinking, this isn't going

to be enough for all of them.

Can I have some more?

Wait a minute.

I tell you what, I'll take this back--

oh, boy-- and you come back tomorrow

and I'll give you a whole batch of stage money

it'll choke a horse.

And $1,000 bills, too.

Yeah, it'll be real stage money.

Not phony like this.

Well, gee, thanks.

Oh, and Jenny, in the meantime,

you get something for the kids, eh?

Oh, thanks, Mr. Harper.

You you're the most generous boss I ever had.

I wouldn't say that.

I would.

You're a genuinely generous man, Charley.

Ah, Dan.

Anybody ever calls you a tightwad in front of me

is going to have a fight on his hands.

No, I don't mean because you slipped Jenny a double sawbuck.

I mean that you were willing to actually

burn up all that money just to preserve our friendship.

And you were willing to burn your nose.

Well, do I got my job back?

Are you kidding?

Come on.

I'll take you to lunch.

Wait a minute.

After that big build up about how generous I am?

Oh, no, you're my guest.

Lunch is on me.

Fine.

Where do we go?

What, go?

[theme music]