Original subtitles

[theme music]

So what I thought I'd do is I'd

make this little cabinet over the refrigerator

kind of a storage place.

You know, I put the baby's bottles in and everything.

And then, on those shelves, you know, in that cabinet,

I'll put that plastic material, that's washable.

You know?

You know, Charley could help you with that.

The best way Charley could help

would be to stay out of Bunny's way.

Oh, honey, come on.

He's the baby's father.

He's going to want to help.

Help?

Remember the time he helped me build a dog house?

He nailed himself in it.

Well, that poor old thing, he's got

two left hands and 10 thumbs.

You know what's gonna be beautiful?

It kills me just to think about it.

Charley giving the baby a bath.

We ought to sell tickets to that.

Oh, he'll catch on darling.

No.

No, Kathy, I'm not gonna let him touch

that baby til he shakes hands with him

at his college graduation.

He must be so frustrated.

I'm sure he wants to help you.

Oh, he does.

He does.

He brings me expert medical advice, from his sister.

And she's got six kids.

So she's the family authority.

Oh.

Well, if she's got six kids, she

must know something about it.

You know she keeps saying to me, "Bunny dear, don't pay

any attention to those doctors.

Just listen to me.

If you want a healthy baby, there is only one method.

You hang a blue ribbon over the crib

to keep the evil spirits away."

That's the silliest thing I ever heard.

I

Know one sillier than that.

Some people advocate wearing garlic around your neck.

Garlic?

Keeps the spirits--

[doorbell]

Come on in, Charley.

It's open. - Oh, hi.

DANNY: Hi. BUNNY: Hi, honey.

How are you? - Hi, everyone.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I stepped off to do some shopping.

And I had--

Bunny, Bunny. Come here.

What?

You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah.

You're only supposed to look at beautiful things.

Yeah. So?

Why are you looking at him?

Didn't I tell you not to look at him.

My sister says, "If you wanna have a beautiful baby,

you gotta be surrounded by beauty."

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

Bunny, will-- will you just-- just keep looking at Kathy?

Danny?

Danny, do you mind turning your face toward the wall?

Oh.

Oh, Charley, now, will you stop that?

Will you-- will you listen to me?

Will you just once listen to me?

Why is it that every suggestion I make, you say "no."

Whatever I say goes in one ear and comes

out of your mouth "no."

Oh, Charley, now, I think you're exaggerating.

I'm exaggerating?

Hmm?

Then, how come you won't hire the baby nurse I suggested?

My sister says she's wonderful.

Well, because I want to take the nurse

that our doctor recommended.

How do you know my sister's nurse isn't better?

Well, honey, the doctor told me

that this nurse is excellent.

That's no answer.

All I want is a logical, direct, clear cut explanation.

Now, why don't you take my suggestions?

Charley, the baby isn't even born yet.

What are you arguing about-- - All right, Danny.

All right. Just a minute now.

Please. Charley is the father.

He says he wants a logical, direct, clear cut explanation,

he's entitled to one.

Good.

Now, why-- why don't you use my sister's nurse?

Because I don't want her.

Well, if you-- if you gave me a sensible

answer like that before, we could've saved

all this aggravation.

You'd save a lot more aggravation

if you'd give your wife credit for knowing what she's doing.

Oh, like she knew what she was doing when she hired Dr.

[inaudible] for the baby doctor?

What's the matter with Dr. [inaudible]??

Oh, nothing.

He's a very good man to use, if you wanna

have a pair of shoes fixed.

Oh.

Oh, that-- do you hear the way he talks about my doctor

like he's a shoemaker?

Charley, it just so happens he's one of the best doctors.

He's the finest.

You-- you been up to his office?

Uh huh.

What's it look like?

It's a beautiful office.

It's got a beautiful door.

And on the door is a beautiful sign that says "SL [inaudible],,

MD."

You didn't see the other sign?

A big shoe with electric lights around it?

Oh.

Charley, will you stop undermining your wife's

confidence in her doctor?

I won't say another word about it.

- Good. - Yeah.

But before I drop the subject, will you

give me the doctor's address?

Why?

I need shoelaces.

Can you just be quiet, huh?

Be quiet?

We were doing very good before you got here.

So if you're just quiet, everything will be fine.

Oh, fine. Wait a minute.

Who's having his baby?

You or me?

Me.

Aside from you.

Charley, why don't you just be quiet, huh?

- Be quiet? - Yes, dear.

Please, shut up.

Shut up.

That's a nice way to talk to the father.

Very fine.

Real respectful.

Will you stop mumbling?

Look, don't talk anymore, unless you got

something constructive to say.

Huh?

What were you telling us about the cabinets?

Oh.

Well, see, this cabinet is right over the refrigerator, which

makes it very logical, because the fridge is

where you keep the baby's formula and the vitamins.

I got something constructive to say.

What?

My sister does not believe in vitamins.

- She doesn't? - She doesn't?

No.

No.

She says, "if you wanna keep strong and healthy,

you wear a string of garlic around your neck."

Charley, that's-- it is just a silly old superstition.

It is not a superstition.

It really works. DANNY: Charley.

No. No.

And I got another good one. DANNY: What?

You carry in your purse an old lemon.

Oh, get out of here, you witch.

Get out. Get out.

I'm the husband and I got a right to talk.

You have no right to-- to upset your wife

with silly superstitions.

Well--

Why don't you get on your broom and fly away?

Goodbye.

Go play with the kids.

I'll play with the kids. - So long.

See you later. - Bye bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Don't think you know everything.

My aunt had twins from a lemon.

Oh, get out of here.

Rusty, here's a loose wire.

Oh, don't touch that.

Put that down.

You want it to blow up in the house?

I haven't got the exhaust pipes in yet.

You hook up that wire and kaboom.

The last thing we do, when we've got it in the park,

ready for blast off, is hook up that wire.

So please, Linda, stay away from it.

[knocking]

Come in.

Hi, kids.

You mind if I join you?

Come on in, Uncle Charley.

Building a rocket ship, huh?

Uh huh.

Yeah.

Someday my kid will be making things like that

and he'll be asking me to help him.

What-- what type of rocket is it, Russ?

Don't touch it, Uncle Charley. Please.

- What's the matter? - I'm gonna spoil it?

You might. It's very delicate.

You have to know how to handle it.

Oh, naturally.

And dopey Charley don't know how to handle.

Anything Charley touches, he spoils.

You must've been talking to my wife.

I haven't been talking to anybody.

It's just, I put a lot of work into this rocket.

OK.

I can take a hint.

You don't want me around either.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

I'll go. - Wait.

Uncle Charley, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I'm sorry.

It's OK, Russ.

I-- I've been a little sensitive lately.

You know, you-- you wanna help people

and they don't need your help, you

get to feeling kinda useless.

Are you sure there's nothing I can do,

like maybe paint the rocket or something?

Oh, I'd be glad to let you help.

But it's practically all finished.

What do you mean finished? Here.

Here's a loose wire.

No.

[screaming]

So I thought if I took the table out of the dining room,

then the nurse could stay in there for two or three weeks.

Oh, yeah. That'd be all right.

Well, I just got a preview of me as a father.

Huh?

Even the kids threw me out.

Charley, will you please be quiet?

We're trying to figure out your baby's room.

Oh, good.

Now, don't you think you ought to put

the china cabinet over here? - Yes.

Yeah.

Then, you would have room for the bed.

Oh, yes.

That's a good idea.

That way, you wouldn't lose the dining area.

Let-- let me check those on the plans.

Charley, you're sitting on the baby's bedroom.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Now, here's the dining room right over here.

Yeah.

See how that would work.

Say, you know, Bunny, if you turned

Charley's den into a nursery, that

would solve the whole problem.

- It sure would. - Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Because we can move my desk into the--

Charley, will you please? Please.

Here.

I'll tell you what we can do.

We-- we-- remember, we had--

we had--

Boy, am I necessary around here.

If I was to drop dead this second,

the only inconvenience I'd cause is people

would have to step over me.

That'd be good, Charley.

Good.

I got a wonderful idea for the baby's room.

Kenny-- Kenny--

Charley, please.

Kenny Reid can do that.

What I thought--

Kenny is really very good.

I got a wonderful idea for the baby's room.

Yeah. Swell, Charley.

Swell.

--listen?

Just a little attention?

What do you have to do to get somebody's--

--a whole cabinet under here.

And then, you could put your intercom

system under the window.

Hey, Dan.

Danny?

Danny-- Dan-- Dan, do you mind if I

pour some water in your pocket? - Anything, Charley.

Swell.

If you get David to do it for you--

Do you mind if I toss some water in--

It's all right, Charley. Whatever.

Do you want me to pour some on your head now?

Anything you wanna do is OK by me, Charley.

[inaudible]

What are you?

Crazy?

What's the matter with you pouring a whole pitcher

of water on my head?

Not all of it.

You'll find some in your pocket.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Halper. - Oh.

Hi, Jenny.

Hi.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Halper.

You're in the way.

Seems to me I've heard that song before.

Is it all right if I sit here? - Oh, sure.

Sit down. I've finished there.

Thank you very much.

Oh, say, Mr. Halper, there's something

I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, I do my work here.

But I am not gonna pick up after that cigarette girl.

Would you ask her to put all this stuff in the check room

before she goes home at night?

Jenny, please, I got my own problems.

Huh?

Danny, will you leave me alone?

How'd you know it was me?

I saw the water on your shoes.

What? Did you-- What?

Did you chase me down here to tell me

I'm a useless father or you wanna get--

you wanna get even with me? Huh?

You do? Well, here's bucket of water.

Go ahead.

I don't wanna get even with you.

And I don't blame you for pouring the water on me.

I had it coming. - No.

No.

I had no right to get mad.

I had nothing to say.

And I kept saying it.

Oh, Charley, we weren't very considerate.

After all, you were trying to be helpful.

And what's so wrong about that?

Danny, don't waste time trying to cheer me up.

You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And I am in Bunny's way.

Now, what kinda talk is that?

Oh, I've been interfering in things

I don't know anything about, doctors and nurses.

I don't-- I don't know this much about taking care of a baby.

Danny, I tell you, I'm--

I'm not gonna be a good father.

I'm just an ignorant nightclub owner.

You ignorant?

A man who runs an establishment with dozens of employees

is ignorant?

You take care of the kitchen by yourself?

You book the acts by yourself.

You do the accounting yourself.

You the publicity yourself.

Anybody that does all that work without any help

is not ignorant.

Cheap maybe, but not ignorant.

I made a joke.

I wanna cheer you up.

I know.

But Danny, I tell you this-- this baby has got me scared.

Of course.

Because it's all new to you.

But you'll get used to it.

You really think so?

Of course, Charley.

You're scared because it's your first baby.

Yeah.

DANNY: I've been there.

I know what it is.

Remember your first car? Huh?

Yeah.

Weren't you afraid to drive it?

Yeah.

But you weren't afraid to drive your second car

or your third car? Right?

Right.

But I smashed up my first car.

Oh, gee.

All right.

So I used a bad illustration.

Look, nature has a way of taking care of these things, Charley.

Really, believe me.

When they put that baby in your arms for the first time,

it's like a miracle.

Something happens, Charley.

It's unexplainable.

In that one second, a man changes from a fumbling dope

to a loving, protective father.

There's no hope for a dunce like me.

I'm sure the second they hand me the baby, I'll drop it.

Oh, Charley.

What is this with you?

What is this inferiority complex you got all of a sudden?

There's nothing to handling a baby.

Why, I could show you everything you

got to know in three minutes.

It's-- hey.

Get up.

Here.

Here.

Let's take this doll right here. here.

Now, hold-- - No.

No, no. Listen to me.

Danny, I told you, I can't be trusted with a baby.

This is not a baby. It's a doll.

To you it's a doll.

To me, it's a baby doll.

Charley.

Charley, look, it's plastic. See?

It's got a plastic body, plastic body, plastic hair.

What are you afraid of?

A plastic baby.

Oh, Charley.

Will you stand still a minute and stop fighting it?

Now, listen to me. Look, look.

Here. Here.

Wait.

Now, le-- let's just make believe.

Now, look, this is the big day.

Bunny has just come home from the hospital.

And she's carrying that precious bundle.

And she sees you, her husband, the father of her baby.

She walks toward you, Charley.

And she gives you the greatest gift a woman can give.

She says, "here, beloved.

Here's your first born."

All right?

Yeah.

- I notice you didn't drop it. - No.

No. - See?

You're carrying a baby.

The ceiling didn't fall in. - No.

It's a cinch.

Now, you got your feet wet, I'm gonna show you some more.

Oh, feet wet.

Good cue.

I'll show you how to bathe the baby.

I'm gonna bathe the baby?

Right now.

Danny, how can you do this to a baby of mine?

He never did anything to you.

Give him a fighting chance.

What are you talking about?

Danny, please, I--

I beg of you.

Danny, I'll drown the baby.

You will not.

Now, take off your coat and roll up your sleeves.

Yeah, but--

Now, Charley, just trust me. Will you?

I trust you, Danny.

But I-- I--

Charley, you want your baby to be clean and healthy,

don't you?

If it's gonna keep healthy, it better stay filthy.

No.

You put one hand under the head and one hand under the back,

like that. Now, go ahead.

- I-- - Under.

Not over.

Under.

Under.

Now-- now, you bring the baby close to the tub like that.

Now, you-- you test the water with the elbow.

With the elbow.

Not the baby's elbow.

Your elbow.

You put-- you put the baby in the crook of your hand,

like that.

Now, you test it with your elbow.

That's it.

It's just right for baby, right?

Uh huh.

Now-- now, very slowly, put the feet in first, so the baby

get used to the water.

Now, you kick the water around a little bit.

That's it.

Now, you laugh, so the baby won't be afraid.

You go [laughing].

Now, go ahead. Laugh.

Laugh.

[crying]

Don't cry. Laugh.

Laugh.

[laughing]

Now-- now-- now, you scrub the baby with the washcloth,

a little bit of soap.

Go ahead.

Now, you-- what are you [inaudible]??

Hasn't been working in a coal mine, you know?

Just dab it.

Dab it.

Now, you squeeze the cloth over the baby like a shower.

You know? Just squeeze it over the baby.

On the back, on the back.

There we are.

Just like that. That's wonderful.

Fine. Fine.

Very good, Charley.

Now, you take the towel like that.

Lift the baby one hand behind had, one hand behind the back.

And up we go.

And wrap the baby quick, so it doesn't catch a cold.

Now, you blot it.

Gently, blot it.

Then, you hold onto the arms and hold it up,

so it'll know that it's got a strong father.

See?

Then, you go [baby talk].

That's it.

You did it.

That's all there is to it?

That's all there is to it.

How do you-- how do you like that?

It was easy.

Sure, it was easy.

Danny, if I spent the rest of my life thanking you,

it still wouldn't be enough. - Well, that's all right.

And I thought it was hard.

Nothing to it.

Now-- now, I'm gonna show you how to feed the baby,

how to burp it and walk at night and rock

him when he's got the colic. - Wait a minute.

Danny, look. - What?

Now, give me a chance to recover.

You know, I just been through a big thing.

And I thought I was gonna do something terrible to the baby.

You're not gonna do anything terrible to the baby.

Don't worry about it.

Now, I'll show you the rest of it.

Now, give me the baby. - The baby?

The baby.

The baby?

The baby.

I sat on the baby.

I-- I-- I broke--

I broke the baby.

I'm a baby breaker.

I'm-- I'm-- I'll never do it.

It's all right. No.

No.

I'll never be a father, Danny.

I'm no-- no. I can't do it.

It's no good.

What do you mean you can't do it?

I can't do it. Goodbye, Danny.

Tell Bunny I love her. - What?

What do you mean, "goodbye?" Where you going?

Who cares?

The farther away I go, the better off Bunny'll be.

Here.

Here's the broken baby.

Charley, well, you can't leave now.

This is when Bunny needs you most.

Oh, the only thing she needs from me is to sign her checks.

Tell her, whatever she wants, to send me the bill.

I'll sign the checks.

And if-- and if our child ever wants

to know who his father is, tell them it's a fountain pen.

Well, I've had him.

I've had him right up to here.

What's the matter, honey?

Who? - Her husband.

I can't take him anymore. - Charley?

Your Charley. Yeah.

- Well, what about him? - What about him?

I spend an hour with him, trying to give

him some self-confidence.

I showed him how to bathe a baby.

I showed him how to treat a baby.

I thought I could build up his confidence

and what to do when he gets a baby, how to be a good father.

By the time I got through, he doesn't even

wanna be the baby's cousin.

Well, Danny, what are you talking about?

Where is Charley? - Where is he?

I told him to go home and pack some things

and move into the club and stay out of your way

until after the baby's born.

Well, Danny, what do you mean you told my husband

to pack up and move out--

You got nothing to worry about.

He's gonna pay all the bills.

He says he wants you to have the best doctor and the best nurse,

the best of everything.

I don't want the best of everything.

I want Charley. - Oh, come on.

Bunny, you don't think he could help you with the baby, do you?

Well, no. I don't--

You don't need him to do help with the housework, do you?

Well, no. I don't need--

So what do you need them for?

Well, Danny, what do you mean, what do I need him for?

He's my husband.

I-- I need him.

I'm gonna have a baby.

I need him.

I-- well, I need him to-- well, to tell me that he loves me.

I need him to hold my hand and tell me that I'm beautiful.

Well, what do you mean?

I just need him.

Kathy, listen, call me a cab. Will you?

Me-- I'll get my hat--

I won't need my hat and coat.

I'll just go home--

Come in here, dear.

Mother is going to kill you.

Charley, where have you been?

Outside the door listening to Danny set this up.

What?

Do you want me that Danny-- - No, no, no.

Honey.

Honey, don't blame Danny.

It was my idea.

Oh, it was your idea to scare me half out of my wits, huh?

I didn't mean to scare you.

I-- I couldn't believe you needed me.

And I just had to find out.

What do you mean I don't need you?

Well--

What would I do without you?

I don't know. I'd get in a way.

I'd make you nervous.

I have nothing to contribute--

Charley.

Charley, who's beautiful?

You are.

Who loves me more than anybody else in the whole world?

Me.

That's what I need you for.

That's my whole job?

I'm very good at that kinda work.

Well, OK, worker.

Punch in.

[sniffing]

Charley, is that garlic I smell?

Well, you wouldn't wear it.

So I did.

I--

Now, we gotta figure out what college

has the best football team. - Wait.

Wait. [inaudible]

Just a minute, please?

What do you mean football team?

Suppose it's a girl?

You wouldn't dare.

[inaudible]

Honey, you know, we don't have too much

control over a boy or girl. - --just a minute, darling.

Look, I got-- - Now, wait a minute.

Think I can settle this little argument.

I've got nothing against boys, Charley.

But believe me, if you should get a girl,

you won't be a loser.

Come here.

Come here.

Let me give you a little musical illustration.

Come over here.

Come over here.

Listen to this.

[piano music]

[SINGING] Dressed up in a gown that trails on the floor.

In a [inaudible] hat that your mommy wore.

Living in a world that you never saw, my Little Lady May.

What a pair of shoes for two tiny feet.

What a pair of gloves, the fingers don't meet.

Posing in a glass, your joy is complete.

Little Lady May.

In your little arms, the doll that you hold,

means the world and all to you.

But you could never love the doll that your hold

half as much as Dad loves you.

Yeah.

So dream your little dreams.

And may they come true.

And may the coming years bring happiness too.

All my future dreams are wrapped up in you.

My Little Lady May.

That really tells the story, honey.

Very pretty.

Hey, do girls' colleges have football teams?

Oh.

Boy, girl, what difference does it make, just

so it's a nice healthy baby.

- That's right. - You're right.

And you were gonna help me now with the instructions

on the diapering.

Oh, back to the scrub team.

But incident-- I think you're wrong

about making it into a square.

They make a triangle. - It's very chic.

They use this--

Why don't you let us show you, huh?

Look, I'll show you right now.

Expert father number one.

I like the triangle myself.

You do it like that.

Lift the baby's--

Let me show them.

That's not really the way to do it.

Sweetheart, look, the women know everything.

I happen to have diapered as many babies as you have, kid.

So if you don't mind--

Well, if you have, then you should know how to do

it a lot better than that.

Sweetheart, if you don't mind--

KATHY: I'm a mother. Will you--

Come on.

Will you let go of the kid, for crying--

[theme music]