All language subtitles for The.Danny.Thomas.Show.S09E13.A.Baby.for.Charley.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

So what I thought
I'd do is I'd

make this little cabinet
over the refrigerator

kind of a storage place.

You know, I put the baby's
bottles in and everything.

And then, on those shelves,
you know, in that cabinet,

I'll put that plastic
material, that's washable.

You know?

You know, Charley
could help you with that.

The best way
Charley could help

would be to stay
out of Bunny's way.

Oh, honey, come on.

He's the baby's father.

He's going to want to help.

Help?

Remember the time he helped
me build a dog house?

He nailed himself in it.

Well, that poor
old thing, he's got

two left hands and 10 thumbs.

You know what's
gonna be beautiful?

It kills me just
to think about it.

Charley giving the baby a bath.

We ought to sell
tickets to that.

Oh, he'll catch on darling.

No.

No, Kathy, I'm not
gonna let him touch

that baby til he
shakes hands with him

at his college graduation.

He must be so frustrated.

I'm sure he wants to help you.

Oh, he does.

He does.

He brings me expert medical
advice, from his sister.

And she's got six kids.

So she's the family authority.

Oh.

Well, if she's
got six kids, she

must know something about it.

You know she keeps saying
to me, "Bunny dear, don't pay

any attention to those doctors.

Just listen to me.

If you want a healthy baby,
there is only one method.

You hang a blue
ribbon over the crib

to keep the evil spirits away."

That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

I

Know one sillier than that.

Some people advocate wearing
garlic around your neck.

Garlic?

Keeps the spirits--

[doorbell]

Come on in, Charley.

It's open.
- Oh, hi.

DANNY: Hi.
BUNNY: Hi, honey.

How are you?
- Hi, everyone.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I stepped off to
do some shopping.

And I had--

Bunny, Bunny.
Come here.

What?

You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah.

You're only supposed to
look at beautiful things.

Yeah.
So?

Why are you looking at him?

Didn't I tell you
not to look at him.

My sister says, "If you
wanna have a beautiful baby,

you gotta be
surrounded by beauty."

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

Bunny, will-- will you just--
just keep looking at Kathy?

Danny?

Danny, do you mind turning
your face toward the wall?

Oh.

Oh, Charley, now,
will you stop that?

Will you-- will
you listen to me?

Will you just once listen to me?

Why is it that every suggestion
I make, you say "no."

Whatever I say goes
in one ear and comes

out of your mouth "no."

Oh, Charley, now, I
think you're exaggerating.

I'm exaggerating?

Hmm?

Then, how come you won't hire
the baby nurse I suggested?

My sister says she's wonderful.

Well, because I
want to take the nurse

that our doctor recommended.

How do you know my
sister's nurse isn't better?

Well, honey,
the doctor told me

that this nurse is excellent.

That's no answer.

All I want is a logical,
direct, clear cut explanation.

Now, why don't you
take my suggestions?

Charley, the baby
isn't even born yet.

What are you arguing about--
- All right, Danny.

All right.
Just a minute now.

Please.
Charley is the father.

He says he wants a logical,
direct, clear cut explanation,

he's entitled to one.

Good.

Now, why-- why don't you
use my sister's nurse?

Because I don't want her.

Well, if you-- if
you gave me a sensible

answer like that before,
we could've saved

all this aggravation.

You'd save a lot
more aggravation

if you'd give your wife credit
for knowing what she's doing.

Oh, like she knew what she
was doing when she hired Dr.

[inaudible] for the baby doctor?

What's the matter
with Dr. [inaudible]??

Oh, nothing.

He's a very good man
to use, if you wanna

have a pair of shoes fixed.

Oh.

Oh, that-- do you hear the
way he talks about my doctor

like he's a shoemaker?

Charley, it just so happens
he's one of the best doctors.

He's the finest.

You-- you been
up to his office?

Uh huh.

What's it look like?

It's a beautiful office.

It's got a beautiful door.

And on the door is a beautiful
sign that says "SL [inaudible],,

MD."

You didn't see the other sign?

A big shoe with electric
lights around it?

Oh.

Charley, will you stop
undermining your wife's

confidence in her doctor?

I won't say another
word about it.

- Good.
- Yeah.

But before I drop
the subject, will you

give me the doctor's address?

Why?

I need shoelaces.

Can you just be quiet, huh?

Be quiet?

We were doing very
good before you got here.

So if you're just quiet,
everything will be fine.

Oh, fine.
Wait a minute.

Who's having his baby?

You or me?

Me.

Aside from you.

Charley, why don't
you just be quiet, huh?

- Be quiet?
- Yes, dear.

Please, shut up.

Shut up.

That's a nice way to
talk to the father.

Very fine.

Real respectful.

Will you stop mumbling?

Look, don't talk
anymore, unless you got

something constructive to say.

Huh?

What were you telling
us about the cabinets?

Oh.

Well, see, this cabinet is right
over the refrigerator, which

makes it very logical,
because the fridge is

where you keep the baby's
formula and the vitamins.

I got something
constructive to say.

What?

My sister does not
believe in vitamins.

- She doesn't?
- She doesn't?

No.

No.

She says, "if you wanna
keep strong and healthy,

you wear a string of
garlic around your neck."

Charley, that's-- it is
just a silly old superstition.

It is not a superstition.

It really works.
DANNY: Charley.

No.
No.

And I got another good one.
DANNY: What?

You carry in your
purse an old lemon.

Oh, get out of
here, you witch.

Get out.
Get out.

I'm the husband and
I got a right to talk.

You have no right
to-- to upset your wife

with silly superstitions.

Well--

Why don't you get on
your broom and fly away?

Goodbye.

Go play with the kids.

I'll play with the kids.
- So long.

See you later.
- Bye bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Don't think you know everything.

My aunt had twins from a lemon.

Oh, get out of here.

Rusty, here's a loose wire.

Oh, don't touch that.

Put that down.

You want it to blow
up in the house?

I haven't got the
exhaust pipes in yet.

You hook up that
wire and kaboom.

The last thing we do, when
we've got it in the park,

ready for blast off,
is hook up that wire.

So please, Linda,
stay away from it.

[knocking]

Come in.

Hi, kids.

You mind if I join you?

Come on in, Uncle Charley.

Building a rocket ship, huh?

Uh huh.

Yeah.

Someday my kid will be
making things like that

and he'll be asking
me to help him.

What-- what type of
rocket is it, Russ?

Don't touch it, Uncle Charley.
Please.

- What's the matter?
- I'm gonna spoil it?

You might.
It's very delicate.

You have to know
how to handle it.

Oh, naturally.

And dopey Charley don't
know how to handle.

Anything Charley
touches, he spoils.

You must've been
talking to my wife.

I haven't been
talking to anybody.

It's just, I put a lot
of work into this rocket.

OK.

I can take a hint.

You don't want me around either.

Well, I know when
I'm not wanted.

I'll go.
- Wait.

Uncle Charley, I didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.

I'm sorry.

It's OK, Russ.

I-- I've been a little
sensitive lately.

You know, you-- you
wanna help people

and they don't
need your help, you

get to feeling kinda useless.

Are you sure there's
nothing I can do,

like maybe paint the
rocket or something?

Oh, I'd be glad
to let you help.

But it's practically
all finished.

What do you mean finished?
Here.

Here's a loose wire.

No.

[screaming]

So I thought if I took the
table out of the dining room,

then the nurse could stay in
there for two or three weeks.

Oh, yeah.
That'd be all right.

Well, I just got a
preview of me as a father.

Huh?

Even the kids threw me out.

Charley, will you
please be quiet?

We're trying to figure
out your baby's room.

Oh, good.

Now, don't you
think you ought to put

the china cabinet over here?
- Yes.

Yeah.

Then, you would have
room for the bed.

Oh, yes.

That's a good idea.

That way, you wouldn't
lose the dining area.

Let-- let me check
those on the plans.

Charley, you're sitting
on the baby's bedroom.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Now, here's the dining
room right over here.

Yeah.

See how that would work.

Say, you know,
Bunny, if you turned

Charley's den into
a nursery, that

would solve the whole problem.

- It sure would.
- Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Because we can move
my desk into the--

Charley, will you please?
Please.

Here.

I'll tell you what we can do.

We-- we-- remember, we had--

we had--

Boy, am I necessary
around here.

If I was to drop
dead this second,

the only inconvenience
I'd cause is people

would have to step over me.

That'd be good, Charley.

Good.

I got a wonderful idea
for the baby's room.

Kenny-- Kenny--

Charley, please.

Kenny Reid can do that.

What I thought--

Kenny is really very good.

I got a wonderful idea
for the baby's room.

Yeah.
Swell, Charley.

Swell.

--listen?

Just a little attention?

What do you have to
do to get somebody's--

--a whole cabinet under here.

And then, you could
put your intercom

system under the window.

Hey, Dan.

Danny?

Danny-- Dan-- Dan,
do you mind if I

pour some water in your pocket?
- Anything, Charley.

Swell.

If you get David
to do it for you--

Do you mind if I
toss some water in--

It's all right, Charley.
Whatever.

Do you want me to pour
some on your head now?

Anything you wanna do
is OK by me, Charley.

[inaudible]

What are you?

Crazy?

What's the matter with you
pouring a whole pitcher

of water on my head?

Not all of it.

You'll find some in your pocket.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Halper.
- Oh.

Hi, Jenny.

Hi.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Halper.

You're in the way.

Seems to me I've
heard that song before.

Is it all right if I sit here?
- Oh, sure.

Sit down.
I've finished there.

Thank you very much.

Oh, say, Mr. Halper,
there's something

I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, I do my work here.

But I am not gonna pick up
after that cigarette girl.

Would you ask her to put all
this stuff in the check room

before she goes home at night?

Jenny, please, I
got my own problems.

Huh?

Danny, will you
leave me alone?

How'd you know it was me?

I saw the water on your shoes.

What?
Did you-- What?

Did you chase me
down here to tell me

I'm a useless father
or you wanna get--

you wanna get even with me?
Huh?

You do?
Well, here's bucket of water.

Go ahead.

I don't wanna
get even with you.

And I don't blame you for
pouring the water on me.

I had it coming.
- No.

No.

I had no right to get mad.

I had nothing to say.

And I kept saying it.

Oh, Charley, we
weren't very considerate.

After all, you were
trying to be helpful.

And what's so wrong about that?

Danny, don't waste time
trying to cheer me up.

You know, I've been
doing a lot of thinking.

And I am in Bunny's way.

Now, what kinda talk is that?

Oh, I've been
interfering in things

I don't know anything
about, doctors and nurses.

I don't-- I don't know this much
about taking care of a baby.

Danny, I tell you, I'm--

I'm not gonna be a good father.

I'm just an ignorant
nightclub owner.

You ignorant?

A man who runs an establishment
with dozens of employees

is ignorant?

You take care of the
kitchen by yourself?

You book the acts by yourself.

You do the accounting yourself.

You the publicity yourself.

Anybody that does all
that work without any help

is not ignorant.

Cheap maybe, but not ignorant.

I made a joke.

I wanna cheer you up.

I know.

But Danny, I tell you this--
this baby has got me scared.

Of course.

Because it's all new to you.

But you'll get used to it.

You really think so?

Of course, Charley.

You're scared because
it's your first baby.

Yeah.

DANNY: I've been there.

I know what it is.

Remember your first car?
Huh?

Yeah.

Weren't you
afraid to drive it?

Yeah.

But you weren't afraid
to drive your second car

or your third car?
Right?

Right.

But I smashed up my first car.

Oh, gee.

All right.

So I used a bad illustration.

Look, nature has a way of taking
care of these things, Charley.

Really, believe me.

When they put that baby in
your arms for the first time,

it's like a miracle.

Something happens, Charley.

It's unexplainable.

In that one second, a man
changes from a fumbling dope

to a loving, protective father.

There's no hope
for a dunce like me.

I'm sure the second they hand
me the baby, I'll drop it.

Oh, Charley.

What is this with you?

What is this inferiority
complex you got all of a sudden?

There's nothing to
handling a baby.

Why, I could show
you everything you

got to know in three minutes.

It's-- hey.

Get up.

Here.

Here.

Let's take this doll
right here. here.

Now, hold--
- No.

No, no.
Listen to me.

Danny, I told you, I can't
be trusted with a baby.

This is not a baby.
It's a doll.

To you it's a doll.

To me, it's a baby doll.

Charley.

Charley, look, it's plastic.
See?

It's got a plastic body,
plastic body, plastic hair.

What are you afraid of?

A plastic baby.

Oh, Charley.

Will you stand still a
minute and stop fighting it?

Now, listen to me.
Look, look.

Here.
Here.

Wait.

Now, le-- let's
just make believe.

Now, look, this is the big day.

Bunny has just come
home from the hospital.

And she's carrying
that precious bundle.

And she sees you, her husband,
the father of her baby.

She walks toward you, Charley.

And she gives you the greatest
gift a woman can give.

She says, "here, beloved.

Here's your first born."

All right?

Yeah.

- I notice you didn't drop it.
- No.

No.
- See?

You're carrying a baby.

The ceiling didn't fall in.
- No.

It's a cinch.

Now, you got your feet wet,
I'm gonna show you some more.

Oh, feet wet.

Good cue.

I'll show you how
to bathe the baby.

I'm gonna bathe the baby?

Right now.

Danny, how can you do
this to a baby of mine?

He never did anything to you.

Give him a fighting chance.

What are you talking about?

Danny, please, I--

I beg of you.

Danny, I'll drown the baby.

You will not.

Now, take off your coat
and roll up your sleeves.

Yeah, but--

Now, Charley, just trust me.
Will you?

I trust you, Danny.

But I-- I--

Charley, you want your
baby to be clean and healthy,

don't you?

If it's gonna keep healthy,
it better stay filthy.

No.

You put one hand under the head
and one hand under the back,

like that.
Now, go ahead.

- I--
- Under.

Not over.

Under.

Under.

Now-- now, you bring the baby
close to the tub like that.

Now, you-- you test the
water with the elbow.

With the elbow.

Not the baby's elbow.

Your elbow.

You put-- you put the baby
in the crook of your hand,

like that.

Now, you test it
with your elbow.

That's it.

It's just right for baby, right?

Uh huh.

Now-- now, very slowly, put
the feet in first, so the baby

get used to the water.

Now, you kick the water
around a little bit.

That's it.

Now, you laugh, so the
baby won't be afraid.

You go [laughing].

Now, go ahead.
Laugh.

Laugh.

[crying]

Don't cry.
Laugh.

Laugh.

[laughing]

Now-- now-- now, you scrub
the baby with the washcloth,

a little bit of soap.

Go ahead.

Now, you-- what are
you [inaudible]??

Hasn't been working in
a coal mine, you know?

Just dab it.

Dab it.

Now, you squeeze the cloth
over the baby like a shower.

You know?
Just squeeze it over the baby.

On the back, on the back.

There we are.

Just like that.
That's wonderful.

Fine.
Fine.

Very good, Charley.

Now, you take the
towel like that.

Lift the baby one hand behind
had, one hand behind the back.

And up we go.

And wrap the baby quick,
so it doesn't catch a cold.

Now, you blot it.

Gently, blot it.

Then, you hold onto the
arms and hold it up,

so it'll know that it's
got a strong father.

See?

Then, you go [baby talk].

That's it.

You did it.

That's all there is to it?

That's all there is to it.

How do you-- how
do you like that?

It was easy.

Sure, it was easy.

Danny, if I spent the rest
of my life thanking you,

it still wouldn't be enough.
- Well, that's all right.

And I thought it was hard.

Nothing to it.

Now-- now, I'm gonna show
you how to feed the baby,

how to burp it and
walk at night and rock

him when he's got the colic.
- Wait a minute.

Danny, look.
- What?

Now, give me a
chance to recover.

You know, I just been
through a big thing.

And I thought I was gonna do
something terrible to the baby.

You're not gonna do
anything terrible to the baby.

Don't worry about it.

Now, I'll show you
the rest of it.

Now, give me the baby.
- The baby?

The baby.

The baby?

The baby.

I sat on the baby.

I-- I-- I broke--

I broke the baby.

I'm a baby breaker.

I'm-- I'm-- I'll never do it.

It's all right.
No.

No.

I'll never be a father, Danny.

I'm no-- no.
I can't do it.

It's no good.

What do you mean
you can't do it?

I can't do it.
Goodbye, Danny.

Tell Bunny I love her.
- What?

What do you mean, "goodbye?"
Where you going?

Who cares?

The farther away I go, the
better off Bunny'll be.

Here.

Here's the broken baby.

Charley, well,
you can't leave now.

This is when Bunny
needs you most.

Oh, the only thing she needs
from me is to sign her checks.

Tell her, whatever she
wants, to send me the bill.

I'll sign the checks.

And if-- and if our
child ever wants

to know who his father is,
tell them it's a fountain pen.

Well, I've had him.

I've had him right up to here.

What's the matter, honey?

Who?
- Her husband.

I can't take him anymore.
- Charley?

Your Charley.
Yeah.

- Well, what about him?
- What about him?

I spend an hour with
him, trying to give

him some self-confidence.

I showed him how
to bathe a baby.

I showed him how
to treat a baby.

I thought I could
build up his confidence

and what to do when he gets a
baby, how to be a good father.

By the time I got
through, he doesn't even

wanna be the baby's cousin.

Well, Danny, what
are you talking about?

Where is Charley?
- Where is he?

I told him to go home
and pack some things

and move into the club
and stay out of your way

until after the baby's born.

Well, Danny, what do you
mean you told my husband

to pack up and move out--

You got nothing
to worry about.

He's gonna pay all the bills.

He says he wants you to have the
best doctor and the best nurse,

the best of everything.

I don't want the
best of everything.

I want Charley.
- Oh, come on.

Bunny, you don't think he could
help you with the baby, do you?

Well, no.
I don't--

You don't need him to do help
with the housework, do you?

Well, no.
I don't need--

So what do you need them for?

Well, Danny, what do you
mean, what do I need him for?

He's my husband.

I-- I need him.

I'm gonna have a baby.

I need him.

I-- well, I need him to-- well,
to tell me that he loves me.

I need him to hold my hand and
tell me that I'm beautiful.

Well, what do you mean?

I just need him.

Kathy, listen, call me a cab.
Will you?

Me-- I'll get my hat--

I won't need my hat and coat.

I'll just go home--

Come in here, dear.

Mother is going to kill you.

Charley, where have you been?

Outside the door listening
to Danny set this up.

What?

Do you want me that Danny--
- No, no, no.

Honey.

Honey, don't blame Danny.

It was my idea.

Oh, it was your idea to scare
me half out of my wits, huh?

I didn't mean to scare you.

I-- I couldn't
believe you needed me.

And I just had to find out.

What do you mean
I don't need you?

Well--

What would I do without you?

I don't know.
I'd get in a way.

I'd make you nervous.

I have nothing to contribute--

Charley.

Charley, who's beautiful?

You are.

Who loves me more than
anybody else in the whole world?

Me.

That's what I need you for.

That's my whole job?

I'm very good at
that kinda work.

Well, OK, worker.

Punch in.

[sniffing]

Charley, is that garlic I smell?

Well, you wouldn't wear it.

So I did.

I--

Now, we gotta figure
out what college

has the best football team.
- Wait.

Wait.
[inaudible]

Just a minute, please?

What do you mean football team?

Suppose it's a girl?

You wouldn't dare.

[inaudible]

Honey, you know, we
don't have too much

control over a boy or girl.
- --just a minute, darling.

Look, I got--
- Now, wait a minute.

Think I can settle
this little argument.

I've got nothing
against boys, Charley.

But believe me, if
you should get a girl,

you won't be a loser.

Come here.

Come here.

Let me give you a little
musical illustration.

Come over here.

Come over here.

Listen to this.

[piano music]

[SINGING] Dressed up in a
gown that trails on the floor.

In a [inaudible] hat
that your mommy wore.

Living in a world that you
never saw, my Little Lady May.

What a pair of shoes
for two tiny feet.

What a pair of gloves,
the fingers don't meet.

Posing in a glass,
your joy is complete.

Little Lady May.

In your little arms,
the doll that you hold,

means the world and all to you.

But you could never love
the doll that your hold

half as much as Dad loves you.

Yeah.

So dream your little dreams.

And may they come true.

And may the coming years
bring happiness too.

All my future dreams
are wrapped up in you.

My Little Lady May.

That really tells
the story, honey.

Very pretty.

Hey, do girls' colleges
have football teams?

Oh.

Boy, girl, what difference
does it make, just

so it's a nice healthy baby.

- That's right.
- You're right.

And you were gonna help me
now with the instructions

on the diapering.

Oh, back to the scrub team.

But incident-- I
think you're wrong

about making it into a square.

They make a triangle.
- It's very chic.

They use this--

Why don't you let
us show you, huh?

Look, I'll show you right now.

Expert father number one.

I like the triangle myself.

You do it like that.

Lift the baby's--

Let me show them.

That's not really
the way to do it.

Sweetheart, look, the
women know everything.

I happen to have diapered as
many babies as you have, kid.

So if you don't mind--

Well, if you have, then
you should know how to do

it a lot better than that.

Sweetheart, if
you don't mind--

KATHY: I'm a mother.
Will you--

Come on.

Will you let go of
the kid, for crying--

[theme music]