Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC - "THE LONDONDERRY AIR"]

[singing] My baby don't care for shows,

my baby don't care for clothes, my baby just cares for me.

My baby don't care for high tone places,

my baby don't care for furs and laces.

My baby don't care for rings, or other expensive things,

as sensible as can be.

My baby don't care who knows it, my baby just cares for me.

Your baby don't care for clothes,

or fancy silk and hose, your baby to your nose.

[laughs]

Your baby don't care for furs and laces,

your baby don't care for high tone places.

Cute.

[singing] My baby don't care for rings

or other expensive things, she's sensible as can be.

My baby don't care who knows it--

hear, now-- my baby's one of those mims

who doesn't need priceless gems, my baby just cares for me.

[applause]

Baby, isn't that a cute number?

Oh, I've always loved it, darling.

Yeah, they ought to do it at the club sometime.

Let the boys do an arrangement on it, you know?

Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hey!

Bunny, Charlie, how are you?

Hi, Kathy! How are you?

What a surprise.

Listen, we can't stay.

We just kind of stopped over.

I wanted to show you something.

You notice anything dangling on the earlobes?

Bunny, Bunny, you've got some beautiful new earrings!

Uh-huh!

Oh, they're beautiful!

Where did you get them?

My Darling hubby gave them to me.

Is that so?

The last of the big spenders, hey?

What was it, your birthday?

What's the occasion?

Well, it's no occasion, that's the beautiful part.

My darling hubby just decided he wanted to give me

an expensive gift, and he went down

to Maurice's, and got me one!

Maurice's.

[growling] Oh, oh!

[giggling]

It was-- It was nothing, really.

Believe me.

Just an exquisite little creation in gold and pearls.

[squeals] Oh, how about that man!

[growls] [kissing] You're so cute, I could just bite you.

- I know, but I-- - But we don't have time, dear.

Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's the rush?

Well, honey, we have to go visit my mother.

Yeah.

And every little delay helps.

Aw, do you really have to go?

Oh, we do.

But listen, I just had to stop over and kind

of show off my ear baubles.

You know mind, do you?

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

They're really exquisite, Bunny.

Thank you, Kathy. Well, honey, come on.

We better hurry, mother's waiting,

and it's a long ride to Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Well, maybe we'll be lucky, and the bridge will be washed out.

Oh, isn't he a hoot?

You see, Danny, that's the beauty

of giving your wife a present.

Two mother-in-law jokes in a row, and not a scratch.

Yes, dear, but don't press your luck.

Come on, let's go. - So long.

Don't forget, tomorrow we got a theater date.

- See you later. - Bye.

- 8:30 curtain. - Right.

[door bangs]

That's some couple, huh?

How about that Charlie?

I never thought I'd live to see the day

when he'd part with money for no reason at all.

Well, honey don't let it bother you.

Don't let what bother me?

Charlie's thoughtfulness and generosity.

Why should that bother me?

Well, no reason at all, darling.

That's my point. - Huh?

Maybe Bunny needs expensive gifts to make her feel loved,

but I don't need that sort of thing.

Oh, I feel perfectly secure.

[smack]

Huh?

Even though you haven't bought me a piece of jewelry in years.

Honey, was-- was there something special you wanted,

dear?

Oh, honey, all I want is your love.

And I know I've got that, no matter what other people think.

Uh-- uh, other people.

Somebody say something, eh?

Oh, it wouldn't matter if they did.

You wouldn't, by chance, be trying to tell

me something, would you?

I'm just trying to tell you that I

am not envious because Charlie showers his wife with gifts.

I mean, jewels are just a-- a status symbol.

A way of saying, I'm a successful man,

and I want to share my success with my wife,

to show that I love her.

Oh, but honey, I don't need anything like that.

I'm fine, really!

I don't care what people say.

I know you love me.

[zany music playing]

Come on, honey.

We're going to be late.

KATHY: Darling?

Yes, dear?

Would you hook me up?

Oh, for heaven's sake's.

Why don't you women buy dresses you can get into by yourselves?

You know, it's always been a mystery to me.

How does a single girl get dressed?

Keep it a mystery, dear.

Wait, I'm not finished yet.

I'm not quite finished yet.

If you'll just hold still, please.

Just hold still.

Honey, what's that?

What is it? - Well, you'll see--

What have you got there?

--in just a second.

Darling, let me see.

As soon as I can fix it.

What-- what is it?

Ah!

I've got to look!

Let me see.

Oh, honey, they're beautiful!

Oh, you doll!

Oh, wait until Bunny sees these.

[chuckles]

Oh, weren't they terribly expensive?

Yeah.

But I wasn't planning on eating this week, anyway.

Oh, Danny, I just can't let you do it.

You've got to take them back, you've got to take them back.

Oh, don't be silly.

No, darling, I can't let you be that extravagant.

All right.

I'll take them back.

Over my dead body!

Oh, you phony, you. [chuckles]

[doorbell chimes]

Oh, darling, listen.

Don't say anything to Bunny, just see

if she notices the necklace.

OK.

- Hiya Kids. - Hiya, Dan.

Kathy!

A new necklace!

Kathy, it is just gorgeous.

Isn't it beautiful?

And such a surprise, Danny just up and bought it for me!

You weren't expecting it?

Not in a million years!

Well, what's the occasion?

It's Wednesday.

Huh?

Look, I love my wife, and I want

to buy her a gift on Wednesday.

Is there any crime against that?

Hey, look, it's 8:30.

It's getting late, let's go, shall we?

Oh, gee, Kathy, you're so lucky!

Oh, Bunny, we're both lucky to have such wonderful, generous

husbands.

True.

My husband gave me this extravagant, expensive,

beautiful necklace, and your husband gave

you those cute little earrings.

[music playing]

DANNY: Oh, boy, funny!

What a show, huh?

I tell you, Bunny, was that a funny show?

Was that the funniest show of the year?

That scene where we held hands with a chimpanzee.

Screams!

Oh, wasn't that the funniest chimpanzee you

have ever seen in your life?

Charlie, how much do you think her necklace cost?

The chimpanzee wore a necklace?

No.

I-- I mean, Kathy's necklace.

How did that get into the conversation?

Well, I was--

I was just thinking, my cute little earrings didn't cost as

much as her gorgeous necklace.

Why should they?

Your cute little ears are smaller than her neck.

Oh, I just think it's kind of funny.

What's funny?

What-- what?

Well, Danny works for you.

You're the employer and he's the employee.

So I'm an-- an er and he's an e, so what?

Well, don't you think it's kind of funny

that an employee can buy his wife a more

expensive gift and an employer?

Oh, the bulb lights up!

Don't you think it's funny?

I don't think it's funny because I think

it's going to cost me money.

And that which costs me money, ain't going to make

me double up with laughter.

Pain maybe, but not laughter.

Charles Sylvester Halper, are you

suggesting that I am suggesting that you

buy me a more expensive gift than Danny bought Kathy?

No.

But if you are suggesting that I am suggesting that,

you don't suggest it.

Well, it just seems to me, if I were

an important nightclub owner-- whose

wife was in the public eye--

I-- well, I'd just want her to look her very best.

You know something, you're absolutely right!

I mean like you say, we're in the public eye.

I want you to look your very best.

Oh, Charlie! You mean it?

Uh-huh.

And for a starter, in the morning you'll join a gym,

and take off about four inches around the diameter.

Bunny, sweetheart!

Money doesn't grow on trees.

I work hard!

I mean, blood, sweat, and tears.

I'm not going to throw it away on foolishness,

and another hunk of jewelry is foolishness.

I'm not going to stand here and argue with you--

You're absolutely right, dear.

--because I know I have felt-- huh?

I'm right? - Mm-hmm.

You are right, honey.

You do work hard for your money, and if you're going to spend

it, it shouldn't be on me.

Well, it should be on us.

I mean, it should be something we can both share.

Like-- well, maybe something for our home.

Well, now you're talking sensible.

I'll go for that.

Well, now, maybe--

maybe we could redecorate the guest room.

The guest room? Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And I think my mother would like it done in pink.

Well, pink is a nice color, especially-- your mother?

How did your mother get into this conversation?

Oh, darling, she'll practically be living with us

now that we're going to fix up the guest room,

and not spend the money on something foolish.

The uh-- first thing in the morning, I'll spend it

on some nice, sensible jewelry.

[upbeat music playing]

Well, Mr. Halper, how nice to see you again.

And what are you looking for this time?

Trouble.

Say, Maurice, did Danny Williams by a necklace here?

Why, yes!

You wanted something like it? - No.

Something better.

Something better?

Yeah.

Something that costs more.

Well, of course!

Just step right this way.

We have something lovely, that just came in.

There we are.

Yeah.

She's very nice. Very nice.

Where's the price?

Oh, right there, on the tag.

Well this is something like I had in mind.

This is the price?

Yes.

Looks more like my license plate.

Well, of course, if you were joking about wanting something

better than Mr. Williams bought, I do

have several modest items here.

Of course, they're not of the same class.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll-- I'll take this one.

Just wrap it up, and find me a place to faint.

[musical tone]

What have you got in bracelets?

Ah! Bracelets, of course!

Of course!

And what is our price bracket?

Our price bracket is anything higher than Mr. Halper's price

bracket.

Well, good, good!

Tell me, are you and he having some kind of little game?

Yeah.

It's a game.

It's a game, but I'm not having any fun.

Oh, but I am!

[zany musical tone]

Yeah, that's right, a bracelet.

But not like the one Danny bought, one that's a little

more expensive, you understand? - Oh, I do.

Yes, I do. I do, yes.

Yeah.

I want it-- I want it to be bigger and heavier.

Bigger, yes. Heavier--

Heavy, heavy!

So when my wife puts it on, she should walk like this,

you know?

I'll show that guy that I love my wife

more than he loves his wife!

Oh, I love them both.

[musical zap]

This is one of our most eloquent pieces.

OK.

Wrap it up.

Don't you want to look at the price?

If I look at the price, I'll cry.

Yes, wrap it up.

Yes, sir.

My, I do like doing business with you Mr. Halper.

If we had more like you, we wouldn't have

to worry about the recession.

Excuse me.

May I see some of your medium-priced watches, please?

Oh, yes.

Right over there.

I'll be with you shortly.

Uh-huh, I thought you'd be here!

You just won't let up, will you?

I won't let up?

You started this whole thing, you little weasel!

Me?

Yeah, you!

What did you want to go and buy your wife those earrings

for no reason at all?

Why'd you want to go hang earrings on her for?

I would have done better if I'd

hung something on her mouth.

This is awful.

You realize those two conniving females

have us in a buying contest?

Why don't we wise up, and stop this nonsense?

You're right.

We'll quit this nonsense and go home.

Right. Let's go.

After I buy one last hunk of jewelry for Bunny.

Why do you want to buy a jewelry for Bunny?

So I can quit the winner.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

I can't let you quit winner.

Why?

Because my wife will make my life miserable, that's why.

Every time she sees a new piece of jewelry that your wife gets,

she starts acting like a martyr.

A martyr?

Joan of Arc walking to the stake!

You should holler!

Bunny keeps hitting me over the head with her mother.

I would rather she used the club with nails on it.

They're not going to be satisfied until they break us.

Yeah.

Maybe then they'll be satisfied.

Yeah.

Then they'll be satisfied.

Hey.

What?

Let's satisfy them.

How?

- Let's go for broke! - What?

We've been buying them pins, and earrings, and bracelets,

and stuff like that.

Let's step up in class.

Let's get them some real diamonds.

- Diamonds? - Yeah!

Heavy diamonds.

And furs, too!

- Diamonds and furs? - Right.

Diamonds and furs.

Danny, don't make jokes.

I mean, especially sick ones!

I'm not making jokes.

I mean, I want them to be dripping in diamonds and furs.

Danny, let us get out of here.

Because from the jewels shining on you, you got sunstroke.

Didn't we say there's nothing too good for our wives?

Right!

That's what will give them, nothing!

No.

Danny, I thought you wanted to quit.

Of course I want to quit, but I want them to ask us to quit.

Oh, by giving them diamonds and furs they're going to quit?

We're going to teach them a lesson.

We'll teach them a lesson, and we got to pay for the tuition?

Will you listen to me?

Let me explain it to you.

You're not so bright, you know?

Look how do we get the diamonds in the furs, all the jewelry

and things we need when we put on a big production number

at the club, where do we get the stuff?

Well, the furs we rent from Lipsey.

Right.

And the diamonds we rent from Maurice, here.

Who-- oh, Danny!

Danny!

[chuckles] Oh, this is beautiful.

I know what you mean.

You mean, we're going to rent the stuff, and not buy it.

Certainly.

We'll rent it, and we'll make them think

that we're going in hock, see?

Then, they'll beg us to take them back.

They'll beg us to take everything back.

Oh, Danny, what a brain, what a brain!

It even puts your nose to shame!

I mean--

Here you are, Mr. Williams.

Hello, again, Mr. Halper.

Hi, there.

I have just told Mr Williams the most beautiful pin.

Are you sure you wouldn't be interested in seeing one.

Nah, Maurice.

I've changed my mind about the pin.

I'm not going to take it. - You're not?

No.

I'd like to see the finest diamond

ring you've got in the place.

A diamond!

Oh, yes.

Well, right here right here.

There we are.

Now, that is only $10,000.

Gee, I'll take it.

You will?

Mm-Hmm.

I'll take one, too.

Both of you?

Right.

CUSTOMER: Sir, the price here says 79.95.

Does that include the sales tax?

Oh, stop pestering me!

Can't you see I'm busy?

If you want to buy a cheap watch,

you need to go out and get a-- find a pushcart somewhere.

You know, that's the trouble with having

a store so near the street.

People keep coming in.

Now, let me see, I'll just uh-- make out the charges, here.

No, no, no, no!

Maurice, don't charge it.

We're not going to buy them.

What?

We just want to rent them.

Yeah.

The same deal we have for the club.

That's right. [mysterious music playing]

Oh, sir?

Sir!

Sir!

Kathy.

[door slams]

Hey, Irish?

KATHY: Hi, sweetheart.

Hello, baby.

Wow!

We did it today, honey.

Did what?

Oh, today, it'll go down in history, honey.

This is the day that Danny Williams proved

to the whole world that he loves his wife more than Charlie

Halper loves his wife.

What are you talking about?

Close your beautiful mouth, and open those emerald eyes,

kid.

Take a gander at that.

Neat, but not gaudy, eh?

What is it?

What is it.

[chuckles] It's a ten carat diamond.

Oh, no! Come on, seriously.

What is it?

Seriously, it's a 10 carat diamond.

Let me see Charlie match that!

Oh, honey, that can be real.

If it were, it would cost over something like--

$10,000.

And it's all yours, baby!

All yours. - You mean-- you mean--

Give me that pretty little finger.

--you mean, it's real?

Absolutely.

There you are.

Danny.

Danny, where did you get that kind of money?

Well honey, you know those bonds

we were saving for our old age?

I cashed them in.

You-- you-- you-- you cashed them in?

Sure.

They were just gathering dust in that vault anyway, honey.

How about that? Isn't that beautiful?

You-- you-- you cashed in on our bonds?

Well, sure, sweetheart.

What do we care about our old age?

The important thing is that you're happy now.

Take a look at that. Isn't that something?

[chuckles] Kinda blinds you, doesn't it?

[whimpering] What?

[whispering] Cashed in our bonds.

[whimpering]

Bunny, it's a beautiful thing!

It's 10 carats!

I mean, so what's the difference if I cashed

in our life insurance policy?

I mean, after all, nobody lives forever.

The important thing is, you should be happy now.

Bunny, will you look at it?

Will you at least just look at it?

[zany music playing]

Hi, dad.

Ah!

You scared me!

Hi, Daddy.

What's in the box? - Oh, Hi.

It's a little surprise. Come on.

Another present for mom.

That's right.

Where is she?

She's up in a room recovering from the last one.

What is it?

A coat.

But she's already got a coat.

Not one like this, she hasn't. [paper crinkling]

What is it?

Genuine white sable.

White sable?

Yep.

Gee, I bet that costs almost as much as mink!

Are you kidding?

With this coat, you use mink for a lining.

Now, go get your mommy, don't tell her what for,

just say I want to talk to her.

Don't mention the coat.

OK.

Daddy, how come you're getting Mommy so many presents lately?

Well, because I love her, dear.

Don't you love me too?

Of course I love you.

Then why don't you get me a coat like that?

Don't be silly.

Eight-year-old girls don't wear sable.

Why not?

Our little bodies get cold too, you know!

You take your cold little body in the other room.

Because I want to talk to Mommy.

[whistling]

KATHY: Danny, Rusty said that you wanted to talk to me.

Yes, I do, darling. Sit down.

Well, honey, I want to talk to you too.

No, dear. Sit over here, sweetheart.

Well, darling, I've got--

I've got to say this.

You know, I-- I've been awfully upset about--

about your cashing in all those bonds, and-- and--

and buying that very expensive ring.

And I'm-- I'm not sure it's the right thing to do at all,

darling, really, I'm not!

[shrieks] Wha-- wha-- what is that?

What do you mean, what is that?

That's a white sable coat!

Wait till Bunny Halper sees you in this!

She'll be green with envy! - Oh, Danny!

Come on, put it on!

No, no, no, no, I couldn't!

Put it on. What do you mean, you couldn't?

Danny, have you lost your mind, diamonds and sables!

- This is for you, sweetheart. - Oh, you're sick, Danny!

You're sick! You're sick!

It's sick for a husband to show

how much he loves his wife?

Oh, where has all this money come from?

I got it from the bank.

I-- I closed out our account at City National.

You-- you closed out our account?

Isn't that wonderful?

Now, you don't have to bother to go to the bank anymore.

But Danny, that was Rusty's college fund!

Darling, the important thing is that you're happy.

When you walk down the street--

dripping in diamonds, wrapped in furs--

people are going to point the finger and say,

there goes a woman with a solid marriage.

[DEVASTATED] A solid marriage?

Put it on.

Cashing in our bonds--

Yes, dear.

--closing our bank account!

Yes, darling.

[HYSTERICALLY] I don't want your old furs,

and I don't want your diamonds!

I don't want anything!

[ominous music playing]

[applause]

Good morning, Mrs. Williams!

Mrs. Halper, how are you?

Come right in.

And what can I do for you?

Here you are, Maurice.

- The rings? - Yes.

But I don't understand.

Well, it's very simple.

We're returning them.

But why?

We're nuts, that's why.

We-- we just can't allow our husbands

to spend so much money.

Oh, but it's not that much.

Well, maybe not to you, but we're in that bracket where

every little 10,000 counts.

Oh, goodness!

But our rentals aren't that steep.

Well, I don't care how much your rentals are--

Rentals?

Did you say rentals?

Yes.

Your husbands rented these rings for the week.

They didn't buy them?

No.

Of course, I hoped you'd like them well enough--

They must've done same thing with the furs.

Well, of course! From Lipsey!

They-- they have that deal, where they rent

the furs for the showgirls.

Bunny, you and I have just been taken on a long--

and not so merry-- ride!

Well, what are we going to do about it?

[ANGRILY] We've been passengers long enough!

We're going to move in the driver's seat.

Come on!

[victorious music playing]

When will those poor women ever realize that

they cannot match wits with the intelligence

of their superior sex?

Or with me, either?

[laughing]

[laughs] Ah, I knew the diamonds and the furs

would do the trick.

You should have seen Kathy.

She wouldn't put that coat on at the point of a gun!

[chuckles]

Yeah!

And Bun-- Bunny wouldn't even take the coat out of the box!

She wouldn't-- I never saw-- she--

[thud]

What are you doing?

Oh, darling, you know how badly

we felt last week about your spending so much money on us?

Well, we have good news for you.

We overcame that feeling!

You over-- you over-- you over came--

Oh, you mean, I mean, you're not gonna

bug us to take the stuff back?

Oh, no!

We decided to keep everything.

But honey, Rusty's college education.

Oh, darling, let him go work for it, the way you did.

Come on.

Pardon my flying sable.

Yeah, but I-- he--

[stammering] I mean--

[babbling incoherently]

[music playing]

- Hurry with the water! - I got it.

Hurry up, honey. Here, he's fainted!

Oh, my goodness!

Well, for heaven's sake's, Danny, stand back!

OK. OK, sweetheart.

What are you some kind of nut?

He's the one who fainted, what are you pouring it on me for?

You got my suit all wet!

Go rent yourself a dry one, you drip!

[zany music playing]

[theme music playing]