Original subtitles

[theme music]

But, Murph, I've been waiting a half hour.

It takes 10 minutes to get here from the garage.

I'm not excited, Murph.

I just want my car here before my wife gets home.

[doorbell ringing]

Wait, I think that's him.

Never mind.

Hope it is.

Freddy, where you been?

Hi, Mr. Williams, I left the car with the doorman.

He said he'd park it. Good.

Swell, swell.

Now did you get the fender fixed good?

Don't worry.

You'll never know there was a dent in it.

Wonderful, wonderful. How much was it?

Let me see.

Your labor and paint comes to $62 even.

$62 for that little dent?

Well, we had to paint all fender.

We gave it two coats.

For $62, you oughta throw in two pair of pants.

$62.

I haven't got--

How much money you got on you, Charley?

I don't know, $5 or $6.

How come you never have any money on you?

Because I'm always running into guys

like you who ask me have you got any money on you, Charley.

Ahh, Mr. Williams, a check will be all right.

A check?

Yes.

Oh, no, my wife balances our checking account.

Well, what difference does that make?

A lot of difference.

If she sees a check made out to the garage, my goose is cooked.

I don't want her to know I dented the fenders,

so no check, no record.

Wait a minute, what's with the intrigue.

So you banged the fender of your car.

Why you afraid to tell your wife?

Because last month when she banged up the car,

I never let her up for air.

I kept picking on her, heckling her all the time.

Matter of fact, I said to her people who don't fenders

shouldn't be trusted with cars.

Now why would you say a thing like that?

'Cause I got a big mouth.

And that the Friars Club at the big benefit,

she was sitting in the front row.

Poor kid, she was so embarrassed,

and I was really rolling.

I did all the jokes about women drivers,

and I says, oh, my wife, she had a tough break

when she took a driver's test.

Ran over the examiner.

Then I said I bought her a brand new car

especially for women drivers.

Comes with the fenders already dented.

Hey, that's funny.

That's funny.

She didn't think it was funny.

See, I'm telling you she didn't talk to me for two days,

so I don't want her to know that I dented this fender.

This is a secret.

Yes, sir.

Now, $5 [inaudible] wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

My wife keeps house money in a jar.

I'll borrow that. - Wait a minute.

Danny, look. - What?

I mean, if you're going to do that, you might as

well give him the check because she'll find out

you took the money.

She's not gonna find out.

After rehearsal, I'll pick up some money at the club,

and I'll put it back.

Everything will be fine.

No, no.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Just a minute.

Rust, Rusty.

RUSTY: Yes, sir.

Telephone, son. RUSTY: Thank you.

Freddy, duck in the kitchen. I don't want him to see you.

- Yes, sir. - Hurry up, will you, boy.

I got business to attend to.

Charley, ixnay, huh.

Hurry up, son.

We got to get going here.

Thank you.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Selma.

No, I can't.

No, I gotta stay home all day.

Yeah, I got to study.

No, I'd like to come over, but I can't.

I got to stay in my room all day and study.

That's right, all day.

Bye.

See you later, dad.

I'm going out to play ball.

Hey!

Come back here.

What kind of routine is that?

I thought you told somebody on the phone [inaudible]

you have to stay all day and study.

Oh, that was a girl in my class.

She's having some kids over to practice dancing.

I'd rather play ball.

Dancing is stupid.

If you didn't want to go dancing,

why didn't you tell her?

Why did you lie about it?

I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

You didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Well, now supposing she should see

you playing ball in the park, then what are you going to do?

I'll take off my spikes and dance with her.

Just a minute, young fella.

You being fresh with me?

No, sir.

I was just making a joke.

Russell, lying is not a joke.

Lying only gets you in trouble.

It's only a little white lie, dad.

I don't care what color it is, a lie is a lie.

You tell one lie, then you got to tell

another one to cover it up.

Then you got to tell another one the cover that one up.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when

first we practice to deceive.

You know who said that?

No.

Sir Walter Scott, the famous poet.

And those are great important words.

You remember 'em as long as you live.

Lying, double-dealing, deceiving only gets you in trouble.

You understand, son.

I want you honest all the time.

Now run along.

Go play ball.

Don't ever let me--

Remember now I don't want to hear of you

doing anything dishonest.

All right, dad.

I'll never do anything dishonest.

At a boy.

Where were we?

You were just about to steal your wife's money.

Yeah.

Hey, Freddy.

Here.

Now don't let me down whatever you do.

No, sir. Don't worry.

You understand?

Nobody has to know about this $46 here.

Give me the $5 you've got.

Here's 9.

9, that makes 60.

You think Murph will trust me $2 for a day.

Oh, well, you know how Murph is about money but don't worry.

I'll put in $2 of my own.

Fine, swell.

Oh, Freddy, Freddy, listen to me.

No matter what anybody asks, you did not fix

the dent in our fender, right? - No, sir.

And I didn't give you any money.

- No, sir. - You understand that.

- Yes, sir. - Regardless of who asked you.

Absolutely.

Remember you gotta lie with a straight face.

Oh, that comes easy to me.

I've been married for 14 years.

You're a nice guy.

OK, now-- now to get the jar put back.

- Wait. - What's the matter?

Wait.

What?

Well, I'll wipe the fingerprints,

you warm up the getaway car--

Oh, why don't you stop being silly.

- Oh, I'm being silly, eh? - Yes, you are.

You made a big production out of nothing.

DANNY: Come on.

Let's go to rehearsal.

- Oh, hi. - Hi, darling.

Hello, Charley. - Hi, Kath.

You can set those packages right down there.

My goodness, what'd you do?

Declare war on the department stores.

Practically.

I bought Linda a whole new wardrobe.

Wonderful.

We were going to buy something for you, daddy,

but we ran out of money.

Oh, that's OK.

I didn't even have enough money to pay the cab driver.

It was $3.20, was it?

Daddy, will you give him the money?

Honey, I'm--

I haven't got a cent on me honestly.

Not a cent.

Uh, Charley--

Don't-- don't-- don't look at me.

I just donated my last $5 to a very worthy cause.

I have some money in my piggy bank.

Oh, never mind, Linda.

I'll take it out of the house money.

The hou-- hou-- house money.

[stammering] Honey, sweetheart, why-- why-- why--

why don't you give him a check?

Why should I give him a check?

We don't take checks, mister.

My boss doesn't even trust cash.

Well, it isn't necessary.

I've got the money right here.

Yeah, well, uh--

Honey, it's right here in the jar.

It's ridiculous that-- that's strange.

That's-- that's very strange.

What's the matter, dear?

Well, I had some money in this jar, and it's gone.

Oh?

Danny, did you borrow it?

Me?

I had $46 in this jar, and it's gone.

How about that, Charley?

She had $46 in the jar, and it's gone.

I know.

I heard the live broadcast.

I just can't understand that.

I-- I know I had $50 in here last night,

and I gave $4 this morning to the laundry man.

The laundry man! That's the answer.

What?

Yeah, while you were paying him,

he dropped the rest of the money into the laundry bag.

So you'll get it back next week nicely starched and iron.

Nothing to make a joke about.

I just can't understand--

Maybe you dropped it in a flour bin.

I can't understand it unless--

I bet we ate it for breakfast.

- Danny. - What, dear?

Danny, I've got it.

What?

We've had a prowler. What?

We've been robbed.

Oh, now, honey, you don't really believe that.

Yes, I don't really believe it,

and what are we going to do about it.

Send for Perry Mason.

If he can't solve the case, maybe he'll

lend you the money for my fare.

Well, why you have to be such a wise guy?

Look, every time I take one of these fares

to one of these ritzy apartment houses, I get stuck.

Now wait a minute, take it easy, Mac.

You know, you're going to get paid.

After all, this guy ain't gonna cheat you.

This is Danny Williams.

- Danny Williams? - The great entertainer.

CAB DRIVER: The great entertainer.

Yeah.

Never heard of him.

I'm terribly embarrassed.

All right, I'll take a check.

Well, what do you know?

There's still hope for humanity.

You're a nice fella.

I'll write in a good tip for you, too.

Come on. I'll make it out downstairs.

- Danny, where are you-- - See you later, honey.

Going just like that.

Sweetheart, we got a rehearsal.

Well, what are you going to do about the money that

was stolen?

Oh, maybe you misplaced-- maybe

you put it in a bread box.

Oh, I didn't put it in the bread box,

and we've got to do something about it.

Look, angel, honest, I promise you.

I'm just sure it'll show up somewhere this afternoon.

You watch and see.

It'll show up.

It'll show up.

Oh, he walks out on me with a prowler in the house.

[music playing]

Operator, will you please give me the police department?

Well, it looks like an inside job to me, Mrs. Williams.

Oh?

None of the locks and the doors or the windows

were forced.

No.

Well, tell me who else besides you has a key to the apartment?

My husband has a key and my son

and the manager of the building.

Any deliveries made here today?

Yes.

The boy from the supermarket delivered some groceries.

Now did he bring the groceries into the apartment,

or did you take them from him at the door?

No, he took the groceries into the kitchen.

Is that a closet?

Yes.

Why?

Well, after you put the groceries into the kitchen,

did you come back out with the boy or did he let himself out?

Well, no, I stayed in the kitchen

and unpacked the groceries, and he let himself out.

Then isn't it possible that the boy might have hid

in this closet until you left the apartment and then

after you had gone took his time and went

through the entire apartment and stole the money?

Well, I hate to think that.

You mind if I take a look at that money jar?

Oh, no, it's in the kitchen.

I'll get it for you right away.

Wonderful. It was an excellent rehearsal.

Yeah. Got a pretty melody, you know.

Hey, there's a guy in here!

[knocking]

[inaudible]

DANNY: [inaudible] tell the operator.

Operator.

Who will ask for?

Jayne Mansfield.

Who do you ask for?

What' going on?

Hurry up.

I got a guy in here, honey. - [inaudible]

You're at home and there's a guy in here.

What are you doing, Danny.

That's a detective.

It's a detective?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Never mind, Charley.

We got a policeman.

CHARLEY: You mean-- you mean he's not a burglar.

No, I'm not a burglar.

I'm a policeman.

A poli-- oh, well, while I got the station on the phone,

you want me to ask if there were any messages for you?

This is my husband and his friend Charley Halper.

Detective Braddock. - How are you, sir.

How are you?

Danny Williams, Charley Halper.

Sorry, I'm not in the habit of finding

detectives in our closet.

Is there something wrong?

Your wife called me about the money that was taken today.

Money?

Honey, what'd you want to go and do that for?

I mean-- I mean, after all, it wasn't really taken.

I mean, who would take it?

Well, that's what I'm going to find out.

Mrs. Williams, would you be good enough to call the supermarket

and ask the delivery boy to come over?

Oh, I will.

I have his number in the kitchen.

I'll go out there and call him. - Thanks very much.

- Why you making such a big - Magill out of nothing?

Mr. Williams, I want to talk to the boy.

He made a delivery here today, and I'd

like to ask him some questions. - Yeah, well, look.

I know that kid.

He wouldn't do a thing like that in a million years.

He's an honest kid.

Besides how would he know that we kept the money in a jar.

Well, you just said he's been delivering here for some years.

Yeah.

Sometime in that period, maybe he saw the jar.

Of course, he saw the jar.

There you are.

But when he saw it, it was full of pickles.

I called him.

He'll be right over. - Thanks very much.

Look, the kid had nothing to do with it.

Mr. Williams, the one thing I've learned since I've been

on the police force is that no one's

above suspicion but no one.

We had a call last week from a woman who owns a candy store.

She said someone was rifling their cash register.

Do you know who the thief turned out to be?

Her husband?

No, but you're close.

It was their own son stealing the money

to buy a baseball mitt.

Oh.

Hi, everybody.

How do you like my brand new baseball mitt?

Who is he?

Oh, he's a stranger.

We never saw before.

Oh, cut it out, Charley.

He's my son. - That's what I said.

He's been in the family for years.

Good looking mitt, boy.

How much you pay for it?

Look, I'm not gonna let you third degree my son.

Just a minute.

I hope you're happy you started

all this, Mrs. Williams.

I-- really, Lieutenant--

After all--

It's ridiculous to think--

You're accusing a boy of a thing like that--

Hold-- stop-- hold it!

- He's not a juvenile-- - Now, look--

Delinquent.

There's been a felony committed,

and I'm in charge here.

Now, please, let's all just relax and let me do my job,

huh.

Come here, son.

How much did you say you paid for the mitt?

- $24. - $24.

Now you know.

Go play with your mitt.

Wait a minute, Mr. Williams.

Where did you get the $24, son.

I gave him the money.

No, you didn't.

Oh, shut up.

Where'd you get the $24, son?

I saved up out of my allowance.

Yeah.

He gets a pretty fat allowance, too.

How much allowance do you get a week?

$0.50.

Lieutenant, I hope you don't think that our son

had anything to do with this.

You'd better not think it.

That's all I'm telling you.

What's going on here?

Rusty, some money was stolen.

From your house money jar?

Oh, then you knew about the money in the jar?

Of course, he knew it.

Everybody in the family knew it.

It's not a secret in our house.

No.

Whenever I need some money for school or something,

mom says take it out of the jar.

She kept over on the bookcase.

On the second shelf.

Oh--

Oh!

How did you know where they kept the money?

How did he know how we kept that money?

Because when he needed money for school,

we let him go to the jar, too.

I mean, oh, this whole thing is-- honey,

will you take Rusty into the kitchen.

Go have some cookies and milk.

[interposing voices]

Just a second will you.

I'm as concerned about this as you are.

I called him.

You know how you get so excited about this--

Mr. Williams.

Will you please just hold-- now let me handle it.

Let me be the man of the house, will you please?

Please, darling.

Well, you be sure and handle it.

I'll-- I'll take good care of it, dear.

You go ahead. Go ahead.

Daddy, am I going to get fingerprinted?

With these five fingers and you know where

if you don't get outta here.

BRADDOCK: Mr. Williams, I wanted to ask

the boy some more questions.

He's just going into the kitchen.

He's not running away.

I just wanted him to go out so I could talk to you alone.

Now look, this whole thing has gotten out of hand.

I mean, the amount of money involved

is not enough to embarrass a lot of innocent people, so

why don't we just forget the whole thing.

Because you can't just forget the whole thing.

There's been a felony committed, and I've got to follow

through until I find the thief.

But I'm sure there was no thief.

Now wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Look-- look, sergeant--

Lieutenant.

DANNY: Lieutenant.

Lieutenant, suppose I said I took the money.

I borrowed it, I was going to put it back,

but I forgot to mention it to Danny.

And the whole thing became such a big thing, so I dummied up.

Suppose I said that. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, how about that, Lieutenant.

Suppose he said that. What could you do to him?

- Yeah, what could you do to me? - Send you to jail.

But he's my friend.

I wouldn't prosecute him.

You wouldn't have to prosecute him, Mr. Williams.

The state prosecutes a felony.

[stammering]

I'm gonna have to go to--

I'd have to go to jail?

That's right, jail and for maybe a year.

He did it.

What can I say?

I can't go to jail for you.

My wife won't even let me have one night out with the boys.

Now, if you two gentlemen are through clowning around,

we'll get on with this investigation.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh [inaudible]

Hi, Mr. Williams.

How are you?

Your wife called the market, asked me to drop by her pad,

and chew it up a little with the law.

What's the beef?

There's no beef, Joey.

Just get lost. I'll see you later.

Just a minute, Mr. Williams.

Now hold it, young man.

Now you're interfering with my job.

Well, you're not doing your job properly.

Go on. So long.

I'm going to run you--

Hold it.

Going to run you in if you keep this up.

Come in here.

Sit down.

I'm Detective Lieutenant Braddock.

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Look, there's nothing to be afraid of, you understand?

You just tell Lieutenant Braddock the truth.

The what?

The truth.

Oh, that old thing.

OK, fire away, daddio.

Did you bring your lie detector with you,

or is she home washing the dishes?

Solid.

How much do you earn at the supermarket, Joey?

I earn about $12 a week, but they pay me $70.

[laughing]

You support a wife, Joey?

Sure.

But don't tell her husband.

Joey!

Will you please stop the wisecracks

and just answer the questions?

$70 a week, that's your take home pay, huh.

Well, I don't take it home.

I take it right to the track.

- You like the horses. - Now just a minute.

Just a minute now.

I know what you're thinking, but you're all wrong.

I know this boy.

Well then suppose you let me get to know this boy, huh.

So you just shut up please.

Yeah, sure.

You own a car, Joey.

He got an old jalopy--

Will you let him tell me!

To answer your question, Mr. Braddock,

I drive a Corsican Alfonz Romare.

Oh, it's a deluxe custom job.

It's got wild pickup.

You should have seen what I picked

up last night at the bus stop.

[laughing]

Joey, if you could take your foot out of your mouth

and shut up.

I mean, just answer the questions as they're asked,

will you please?

Look, now don't get the wrong impression.

Oh, I haven't got the wrong impression of this boy.

He makes $70 a week, and he's living way over his head.

How does he do it?

Well, I'm sure you can explain.

Oh, sure he can explain.

Dresses real fancy, drives an imported car, big man with

the girls, bets on the horses.

How's he going to explain that?

That's easy.

My daddy owns the market.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, Mr. Braddock.

You can go, Joey.

Well, Mountie, I hope you get your man.

Hey, listen, I hate to cut up, but I got a crazy little bundle

downstairs in my car.

And you just-- you can't find that kind of stuff

on a supermarket shelf.

Peace.

Well, the only thing to do is take the jar down

to headquarters and see if we can find

out who's been handling it.

Oh, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute--

- Dust it for fingerprints. - You can't do that.

And why can't I do that?

Because, well, we don't like to let it out of the house.

We're very sentimental about it.

It's quite valuable, you know.

Yeah, yeah, because if you turn

it back in the supermarket, you get back your nickel deposit.

Now you cut it out!

I may want to talk to your son tomorrow, Mr. Williams.

For what?

For what?

Because he spent $24 for a baseball glove?

Is that something to be suspicious of, a kid?

Scrimped and saved from his allowance.

For over a year, I'll bet he was saving

to buy that little baseball glove, spent his last nickel

to get that glove.

And you're suspecting him?

RUSTY: Daddy.

Yeah.

Would you do me a favor?

Sure, son.

Stop by Mr. Kaplan's store tomorrow and pick up my spikes.

I will.

Here's the $10.

[inaudible] Hold it, boy.

Wait a minute. Now just a--

I suppose you saved that $10 out

of your $0.50 a week allowance?

I'm not gonna let you a third degree my son.

I don't care. - You're going to stop me!

That's right.

You're not taking my kid down any station house.

I'm not altogether unknown in this burg, you know.

I got some pretty influential friends downtown.

Yeah, his cousin's a notary public.

Now you stay out!

All right, boy. Get your hat and coat.

Come on.

Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Braddock.

Oh.

All right, look I can straighten this whole thing out

in one minute if you'll just let the boy go into the kitchen.

Please.

All right, all right.

Go ahead, son.

Well?

I want to make a full confession.

[music playing]

Myrtle, get me the Acme Garage.

I'll explain the whole thing to you start to finish.

I got a witness.

Anyway, that's-- that's the whole story.

I got to hand it to you, Mr. Williams.

It's a great try.

You mean, you don't believe me?

Oh, I wouldn't go so far as to say that,

but I've got to bear in mind that you may still

be covering up for your son or someone

else who may be close to you.

Why don't we wait and see what the fellow from the garage

has got to say, huh?

[doorbell ringing]

Well, that must be him now.

Look.

Mr. Williams, I'll ask all the questions, OK.

Yeah, sure.

Come in.

Oh, hi, Mr. Williams, what's up?

Well, nothing to be excited about.

This is Detective Braddock.

He'd like to tell to you.

How are you?

Freddy.

Mr. Williams said it was hard for me

to ask you a few questions.

So would you mind telling me when--

when was the last time you saw Mr. Williams?

This afternoon.

Why?

And did-- did he give you any money?

Go ahead, Freddy, tell him.

Did I give you any money?

Oh. No, he didn't give me any money.

Freddy!

Wait a minute here, Mr. Williams.

I'm gonna ask all the questions No, no, no, not you, me.

Me.

DANNY: Yeah.

Did he put a dent in his fender

and drive it into your garage to be fixed?

Tell him.

Oh.

No, sir.

Freddy!

Wait a minute here.

And he didn't give you any money?

- Yes, I did-- - You're sure of that?

I possibly didn't give you any money.

Freddy, please. I gave him--

You have a receipt?

$60, I gave him.

You got a receipt?

I didn't want a receipt.

I didn't want it on record.

Get your hats.

We're all going downtown.

Now will you please just a second.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Freddy, listen.

Oh boy, you do lie with a straight face.

Freddy, look, whatever I said to you this afternoon,

signal's off.

Tell the truth, the real truth.

The truth.

The real truth.

You mean it?

Never meant anything more in my whole life.

If I'd a started out with the truth,

I wouldn't be in this mess right now.

Yep, it's like the fellow said this afternoon.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when

first we practice to deceive.

Who said that?

The biggest liar I ever met.

[music playing]

What I don't understand is why you didn't tell

me about it in the first place.

I was ashamed to tell you after picking

on you for scratching that fender last month.

And I parked in this tight spot on 47th Street the other day,

and I get out, moop, there it is, a big dent in the right

here fender.

And I said, oh boy, if Kathy finds out about this,

I'll never hear the end of it.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't have said a word.

No?

Of course not, darling.

You're sweet.

I'm the one who put the dent in that fender.

[music playing]

[theme music]