Original subtitles

Okay, Jane, just leaning back.

Beautiful. Wayne, come forward.

Lovely. Big smile.

Big smile.

Beautiful. Just straighten up the veil, please.

All right, that's it. That's enough. That's enough.

Great. Okay, big smile. Lovely.

Excellent. Great.

Hey, you. Lad, oi.

Go to my van and get my K2000 soft focus filter.

Ah, ah, ah.

How many times have I told you? Always leave my equipment packed up correctly.

Thank you.

Lovely.

How are you? Oi!

That flash needs to go right across.

Mr. Papernick! Mr.

Papernick! Mr.

Papernick!

It's a bunny!

Honey?

Not too late.

Not too early.

Not too late.

Not too early.

I got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling, this is gonna be one of those

This is a show about me, and all the things I do, and all the things I see.

I got the feeling, got a bit of an inkling, as long as we're together,

okay.

already told you. I didn't really see what happened.

Sir, what do you do for a living?

I collect cans for recycling.

What were you doing in the park?

I was... You weren't collecting cans from a place that wasn't your designated

area, were you?

No. No, I was having lunch.

I often have lunch in that park.

But I wasn't collecting any cans from there.

Because I never collect cans from somewhere that's not my designated area.

Your two friends Colin and Frank are here to visit you, Mr Papaniccolo.

Oh, that's good.

That's very good.

Sorry,

Mr Papaniccolo.

Oh, that's okay, boys.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Don't worry about it.

Wow, you're awfully kind, Mr Pepinicolo. Don't mention it.

It could have happened to anybody.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why are you being so forgiving?

It's a secret.

Oh, wow.

A secret.

Come a little closer and I'll tell you.

A little closer.

Just a little closer.

Frankie,

you okay?

I think so.

But I'm going to stand back here to hear the secret.

Listen, you idiot.

The doctor told me I'm going to be bedridden for six months.

I make $1 ,000 a day.

$1 ,000?

Is that the secret?

$1 ,000 just for taking photos?

Just for doing photography.

Photography? It's pronounced photography?

Photography? Oh, my God.

Mr Papanikola is dead.

I'm not dead.

This is so sad.

I'm not dead, you idiot.

He was cut down in his prime.

That's ridiculous. Don't be ridiculous. I'm not dead. I'm still alive. Look.

Everybody knows that when the machine goes...

The person is dead.

Well, obviously there's something wrong with the machine.

He's in denial. That's what happens when people die.

This is ridiculous.

I'm not dead. I'm still alive.

Come on, Frank, let's go.

Being around corpses gives me the creeps.

Come back.

Come back, you idiots.

Take this off.

I'm not dead.

It's so sad.

Please.

He died before he could tell us the secret.

We went in to see Leon. You are the baby photographers, aren't you?

Oh, no. We're going to...

Yeah,

we're the baby photographers.

They are we. We are they. Lead on.

Right. This way, then.

I'm surprised, Dale. She's just given birth to a wonderful baby boy.

She's still a bit groggy. That happens when it's a cesarean.

A cesarean?

Wow.

What part of cesarean are you from?

Frank.

What's his name?

We've decided to call him Chris is...

Oh, I think Chris.

He's a great name for a little boy.

Fantastic. Let's take some photos.

Frank, photos?

Okay, that's beautiful.

Oh, yeah, work for me.

Oh, lovely, love it, love it, love it. Adore it, great.

Oh, little Chris.

So, do the baby thing. Oh, do it, do it, do it, do it. Gorgeous, gorgeous,

gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

Oh, yes. Oh, look at the little birthmark on your hand. Isn't it cute?

Oh, it's like a little baby version of the Cindy Crawford mole.

Your son is going to look fantastic on film, Mrs. Drysdale. He's so photogenic.

Get out of the way.

Oh, yes. Oh, love it. Oh.

I can't seem to get this camera to work.

What is wrong

with you, my child?

I'm blind.

I can't see.

The love of the Lord is with you.

It's coming back.

Oh, yeah, it's come back.

Yeah, I can see again.

Well, we're all finished, Frank. Come on, let's go.

Tony had a rest now, Quilby.

I think that was a triumph. I don't think I'm going too far in saying that

redefined the meaning of gorgeousness.

Hang on a second.

Hold that.

God, there was no film in the camera.

Quick, you grab little baby Chris.

And I'll put some more film in the camera. Go, quick.

hands for beginners.

Oh, look.

Isn't that one a gorgeous one?

Oh!

It's the one. Hang on. Watch this. Watch this.

Look, buddy, the way I've got my eyes.

Feel it.

Feel it.

The healing power of the Zorro.

Hi, Mrs Drysdale.

There you go.

The photographer's great, Mrs Drysdale. Your son is so photogenic.

Hey, listen, if you want to make another copy, the simplest thing to do is just

use a colour photocopier.

Oh, thanks very much, boys.

We'll have some more work for you next week.

Thanks, sister.

Have faith, my child.

Have faith in the Lord and...

So nobody knows we're not the real photographers.

Is that the secret?

Oh, look. It's Mrs Drysdale.

And little baby Chris.

Sir.

Sir.

Dennis.

Dennis Drysdale.

Zachary Wilde, how are you? I'm good. I'm surprised to see you up this end of

town. I didn't think you worked up here.

Oh, yeah, I do.

I mean, do I look like the kind of person who'd take cans from someone

designated area?

This is our new baby.

Say hello.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Look at the baby's hand.

What? It doesn't have a birthmark.

You know what that means?

No. Why don't we come over to our place later on for a celebratory drink?

Mrs Drysdale's baby had a birthmark on its hand, remember?

Wow, you've got a photographic memory.

That baby isn't little baby Chris... There's been a mix -up. Quick, quick,

quick. You go and get the real baby Chris.

And I'll tell Mrs Drysdale she's got the wrong baby, OK? Quick, go, go, go!

Sorry. That's okay.

It's a drive -down.

It's a drive -down.

It's a drive -down.

Hurties. Hurties. Go buy hurties.

I'm taking the baby back.

Frank, didn't you hear what she said?

We'll probably spend the rest of our lives in jail.

We've got to keep this a secret.

Now that has got to be the secret. That's got to be the secret.

Let's just hide over there until things calm down. I can think of a plan.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Rock -a -bye baby, in the treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

And down will come baby Craig.

But I became proud and egocentric.

So you took them away.

I'm sorry, Father. Please, give me another chance.

Some of his formative years in Finland, Frank.

My father was a diplomat, you see, and we moved around a lot at night. What are

we doing with the sheets?

We're husband and wife, you know. Right, okay, good, good, good plan, good plan.

Somebody's coming in. Now we have to be subtle. We have to be careful not to

overdo it, all right?

much security down there. We'll have to climb out that window. Come on.

Quick, out here.

Careful, careful, careful, careful.

Okay, come on, come on. Quick, quick, quick.

Come on, come on.

That's right.

down here.

Afternoon. You work here, do you?

Oh, yeah, I do.

I collect cans from here.

This is my designated area.

Oh, thank you.

Anything? No, baby, here.

Okay, you can go, thanks.

Carl? Yeah? We really should have seatbelts on.

Frank? Yeah? You're a standard human being.

survey. Hands up, who thinks it's pretty weird that we've got somebody else's

baby in our flat?

What are we going to do? What the hell are we going to do?

I know.

Why don't we just leave the baby in a public place with an anonymous note?

Yes, good idea. Yes, great. Yes, well done. That's it. Yes.

No.

That won't work.

The babies have still been swapped.

That's right. It's a stupid idea. Stupid, foolish, no good to us

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But we could explain on the note that the babies have been swapped

Yes! That's it! Fantastic! That's the one good idea. Love it, adore it,

it. Bow down to it. It is brilliant. It is genius.

No.

It'll arouse suspicion.

You know, who is working with the babies? Who could have accidentally

them? You're right, it's a stupid idea. Stupid, stupid idea. Hate it, deplore

it, loathe it, can't stand it, detest it. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You should. In fact, ideas like that make me feel physically ill.

If you're going to come up with ideas like that, you can just... Get out!

You should be pushed to the fringe of society and...

Poked repeatedly with a sharp stick.

Coming up with an idea like that. You are banished.

You are banished.

I don't know what's... Look, the baby's crying. It's obviously hungry. What are

we going to do?

I'm heating up some milk for it.

Just hang on.

See?

But how do you know?

You know, when it's hot enough.

Oh, you feeble -minded little man.

Watch.

No, no, not yet.

Right, what are we going to put it in to feed it?

No,

no, not yet.

stupid situation is your fault. You're always getting us into trouble.

You're much more stupider than me.

Cole, I don't think that's a word.

Yes it is. It's just like pain -fleer.

Pain -fleer?

Yeah. For example, the man hurt the other man painfully and

then he hurt him again.

More pain -fleer.

Much more smarter than you.

little one there.

Come on.

Give him here.

Give the cute little adorable boy to me because he needs someone with that that

feminine touch. You idiot.

That's no way to speak to your wife.

Shut up.

Although I don't know why I'm so surprised.

I mean you hardly touch me anymore.

You've gone too far.

And you haven't mentioned anything about the special effort that I've made.

What?

I'm wearing my hair in a completely different style.

But you haven't said anything.

Because you haven't even noticed.

Have you?

Have you?

I can't believe this. What the hell are we doing? We've stolen a baby. We've

stolen a bloody baby.

Frank, the baby's a week old.

Little Crip... Can't walk anywhere!

Well, that's the kind of negative parenting that I've come to expect from

Frank, it's time for you to learn a new word.

Painfuliest.

Don't miss the next episode of The Adventures of Lena and Woodley.

Or do miss it. I mean, you know, do whatever you want. Yeah, all we're

watch the exciting conclusion, if you're interested. But, yeah, it's totally up

to you. I mean, we think it'd be great if you do watch it, but if you don't

to, that's fine. Yeah, so we'll see you next week, if you want to watch. But if

not, you know, fair enough.

This is a show all about me.

And all things I do is all that I've done.

But I got a feeling it's going to be in the basement.

Oh, it's going to get there.

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