Original subtitles

You got me stabbed and you kidnapped my little sister.

Get Mobeen here.

Just let me do things my way.

Stick to the plan. M y plan.

The only way you're getting out of here is with a fake passport.

I'm too big for this hole.

Yeah, you're filling the whole hole.

Mobeen's stolen cash from the Turks,

and he's ordered you a fake passport.

You just said it all in one sentence.

You just snitched me like that.

Fakhar Khan and Ola Akintola.

-Where is she, then? -Istanbul.

You're a dead man, Mr. Mobeenis.

Okay, listen to me. Listen to me!

If you let me live here today, I will kill Khan for you.

If you don't kill Khan, we will kill you and everyone you love.

Security, emergency, security!

Security, emergency!

Ma'am? Emergency, emergency.

Ma'am, are you okay? What happened? Ma'am?

There's the guy.

Ah, look.

Mobeenis rhymes with penis.

We get it, thank you.

So many sites to see, so many places to meet women.

You lot, don't mess this up for me.

You brought a tiny guidebook?

Excuse me?

Did you bring your tiny suitcase

and your tiny willy, too?

Piss off, Emre!

Have you even been abroad before?

Yes, of course!

Me and Mum went Isle of Wight last year.

That isle is very white.

Almost racistly white.

Mobeenis, why the hell did you bring

this silly little boy to kill the vibes?

I didn't bring him.

Right.

Gentlemen, who wants some fun holiday items?

-All: Yeah! -Let's do it!

Let's go! Party time!

Lads.

-Whoo! -Yes!

Lads!

Keep your bloody voice down, right?

Can I remind you, man, why we're here?

We're here to save Aqsa. not go on a bloodclaat stag do.

Ah, also to see my beautiful country, yes?

-Yeah! -Yes!

Full of incredible culture and history!

-Yeah! -Ha-ha!

And for Mobeen… to kill Khan.

What?

What's he talking about, Mobeen?

I don't know what he's talking about, Barney-bear.

Harper's fine, thank you.

Well, it's actually a very short story.

Mobeen agreed to kill Khan, so he didn't get died himself.

The end, thank you.

I can't understand why you have to put me

in all your murderous plans.

This is gonna be a true crime podcast.

It's my kief tea! This one is yours, this one!

Fuck you, bastard!

Pile of shit here, Mobeen.

You're dragging us into this shit pile with you,

as per usual.

-Try this, it's, uh…kief tea? -Kief tea, yeah, kief tea.

You can't distract us with food and drink, moontits.

Wow, that's delicious.

That's not the point, is it, mate?

Oh, that is delicious.

You've not heard the last of this, mooney.

-Alright, alright. -I'm aware of that, Barney-babe.

Stop it!

Oh, my cousin says he has information

that can help us locate Khan.

He will meet us at the accommodation.

Where are we staying, anyways?

Well, my cousin has arranged everything.

Do you know a luxury hotel called the Four Seasons?

Yeah?

A penthouse with 24-hour room service

and complimentary massage.

-Yes! -Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

Well, just around the corner from there is the hostel

where we are staying.

I don't think the Four Seasons is around here, Emre.

We're a long way from Small Heath.

This is worse than the trap house I used to shop food from.

You got any change? Gimme.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't have any cash on me.

I'm hungry, gimme.

I haven't got anything on me. Sorry.

Then you gimme. I'm so hungry.

Sorry, me neither. Sorry.

Why don't you gimme? You snakes.

I'm telling ya, I'm hungry,

dying of hunger here, why not gimme some?

Why don't you get it?

-What? -You dirty English pigs.

You scoundrel English pigs. You god-damned!

Boys! That way.

I dunno.

-What was that? -Weird.

Great. We're back in the bin again.

It is quite prison-y.

It's still better than Saj's mum's house.

Such a.

This the best you could do, Emre?

Hey, I'm sorry.

It looked better in the pictures.

Anyway, guys, this trip is going to be very special.

Now, I leave you to give Mobeenis the bollocking.

I love it when you tell him off, the naughty, cheeky boy.

Uncle, I have a much better place for you.

I love this bastard.

I've never heard him say he loves anything, have you?

You're not staying here, bastard.

Hello. Here.

Mm-hm, here.

We're not happy, Mobes.

You know, you're sexy when you're angry.

I mean, you're just sexy all the time.

It's not fair, to be honest. -What the fuck, Mobes?

Oh, come on, man. I'm not gonna kill anybody.

I'm not gonna kill Khan. We don't kill people.

Say "I seek forgiveness from Allah."

God forbid.

We just need to get little Aks

and get home.

But listen…

I don't want to be that guy,

but what did that auntie whisper to you in the street out there?

From where I was standing, it felt a bit black magic-y.

Don't say that, Mobes.

I have to say what I have to say.

Black magic. Don't make me laugh.

Who believes in that? -I 100% believe in that shit.

Me too. Don't call it shit.

You're right. I seek forgiveness from Allah.

Look, do you remember Ikky Singh, when we were kids?

-Oh, no, no, no, no. -From West Brum.

-The one that went mad? -Yes.

His shit started when he came to Turkey 15 years ago, okay?

Apparently, a little auntie just like that

whispered something in his ear.

-Don't say it. -Yeah, I have to say it.

No, no, no, no, don't.

When he got home, remember what happened?

-Don't. Don't, Mobes. Please. -He went missing.

And they found him in a graveyard…

at midnight… -Aah!

…eating raw chicken…

…naked.

-Then what? -He went missing again.

And they never found him.

Waaaaah!

-Aaaaargh! -Aaaargh!

Why screaming?

Why are you screaming?

-Aaaargh! -Shit came out.

Oh, my God.

Boo!

Sister fuckers. Could have just pretended.

Anyway, guys, change of plan.

We have to meet my cousin at his hammam.

Ikky…

Emre! -I know, I know.

But it's in a beautiful spot near the Blue Mosque.

Let's go. Uncle?

I really, really love this bastard.

Why can't you all be like him?

Where he even come from?

Fucking Narnia in here.

Mobes…

Mobes, Mobes, Mobes. -What is it, bro?

-Come, come, come, come. -What?!

I think it was black magic.

Don't say that, cuz.

Bro, but I feel… I feel weird, man.

I think -- I think I'm possessed.

Don't. You're not, you're not. It's just, it's the weather.

It's hot. You're dehydrated. -No, bro, bro.

I…

I think it's koro. -What's koro?

Oh, this is mad! No, I can't say.

Say what it is, say what it is now!

-No, no, no. -What is it!?

It's…it's when…

It's when your tings, yeah,

disappear inside of your body.

It's deadly.

And I can -- I can feel it.

It's withdrawing. My willy is withdrawing.

Don't say you can feel it. Don't say that!

Withdrawing…it's…

You ain't got this koro thing, have you?

-I feel weird, you know? -Don't say it.

-I'm not myself. -Black magic.

You know, all you men had to do was give that auntie five quid

and you could have avoided being demonically possessed.

Get off. -No, don't go, don't go!

Don't, don't… -Let me fix this.

Mobes!

Hello, sister.

This is for you.

Please don't demonically possess me.

Don't worry about them, it's too late.

But me, leave me out of it.

Okay. Salaam. Thank you very much.

I don't feel right.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. -Excuse me.

Can you stop molesting the barrier?

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen. Can you hear it? -What is it?

-Why does it sound like? -It's your heart.

It sounds good to me. -No, no, no, no.

It's doing dun-dun-dun-dun dun-dun-dun-dun.

Can you hear it? -I can hear your heart.

Bro, I can see everything, bro.

I can see everything, bro.

All these sound like really good medical things to have.

Wait, give me some lines to impress the ladies.

Leave it with me.

I can give you some lines

that will get a big reaction from women.

Yeah?

Yes! I appreciate you, bro.

You're welcome.

Mobeen, Mobeen!

What?

-It's him. -Who?

The guy from the airport.

-Who you talking about? -He followed us.

Maybe that's the one that gave us koro.

He was tight when he first saw us.

The devil's been following us, guys.

And he feasts on the blood of virgins.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.

You're dead then, innit? Ha-ha, you virgin!

No, you better be careful.

He could be working for Khan, ready to kill you any minute.

Shit.

Or he could be working for Hakan.

They would do you in if you don't kill Khan.

You know, you piss me off, but this makes a lot of sense, man.

Why are you saying this stuff? -Smart guy, bro.

Mobes, Mobes, Mobes, Mobes, Mobes.

I'm serious, man. It's him.

Who?!

There's like 8,000 people there!

Where's Shady?

Uncle?

-Uncle? Shady? -Shady?

-Uncle! -The devil's taken Shady.

-Why screaming? -Shady! Shady!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! -Nate!

-Uncle? -Uncle?

Uncle ji? Where have you gone?

Give it here, bastard!

-Ice cream! -What are you doing?!

Fucker!

What are you doing?!

Uncle!

-Uncle! -Fuck your ice cream.

Wait, whoa! Stop!

You bastard.

I'm sorry.

Mad bastard.

Uncle!

You're just crazy.

What we do here, first we start with the iliklik.

I don't want iliklik, no. You want iliklik?

-No. -I'm not trying iliklik.

-Is good one. -It's a serenity room

where we give you a soothing foot ritual.

Thank you for the offer, brother,

but we're very busy. We have to see his cousin, so…

Quiet, bastard.

My feet need some soothing time.

This way. Only the best for you, sir.

Uncle! We haven't got time…

Yeah… Please, where is your cousin?

We're running out of time here. -He is on the way, just relax.

Bro, can you please…

-This way, sir. -Why?

You're their carer, they're your care.

-Okay, okay. -Enjoy it.

Where's he taking him?

Bro, can you take care of these guys as well?

-Where they taking us? -Go, enjoy it.

Now where they taking us?

Where the chicks?

Absolute cock-fest.

Time to get to work.

We need to get out of here.

-I'm starting to feel funny. -Yeah.

You know, when it gets really hot, I get the hornies as well.

Not like that.

Time for a massage?

Why you still in your clothes?

'Cause he's been taking the piss out of my jubbly bubblies

for the last 30 years. I never get them out, ever.

Either you get massage, or you give massage.

Thank you, brother. I don't want massage.

You get or you give.

Prison rules, man.

I give.

With you? -Yeah.

Oh shit.

Alright, good luck, man.

-♪ Let's go ♪ -♪ Let's go ♪

♪ If you want it, you can get it ♪

♪ Let me know ♪ -♪ Let me know ♪

♪ You can get it, let's me know ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

I'm slippery.

Aah! Ow!

Get off me, satan!

You like spanky-spanky, huh?

It's very good, bastard.

Hey, man! He's drowning us!

Aah.

Hi, hi. Sorry to bother you.

Um, hope you're having a lovely day and everything.

I just wanted to say, uh…

I have a tiny penis and I live with my mother.

What the fuck did you say?!

Dumbfuck!

-Smack me! -Huh? Again?

Yeah.

Oh, so good.

So nicely you do me.

-"Oh, so nicely you do me." -Stop, stop.

I've told you several times, Nathaniel,

this is a translation issue.

He didn't mean to say it like that.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Good to know you're feeling better.

I am, still.

Yo, ah, Turkey's girl are on it.

-On you? -Yes.

-Impossible. -I got five numbers.

-Sure. -Thank you, sir.

It was an honour.

Leave me alone, bastard.

You are not going to believe this, but…

wrong cousin.

You taking the piss?

The right cousin is at the shisha lounge across the town.

We can be there in 20 minutes, easy.

Emre, we're gonna die of old age before we find my sister.

Look, where's Harper?

Harper?

I see what this is.

You've been sent here to collect me.

It's written all over your face.

Yeah, are you a dog living in a man's world?

Am I a man living in a dog's world?

Who knows?

♪ It ain't safe on the block, not even for the cops ♪

♪ It ain't safe on the block ♪

Are you feeling better as well now, Harper?

Yeah, bloody hell, I was out of it.

Shady's gonna be out of it soon.

Black magic. That woman put a djinn in you.

-Bullshit. -Allah have mercy.

Are you seriously trying to tell me we were possessed?

Well, how else do you explain talking to wolves

in the middle of Istanbul, then, Barney?

Could do with some more of that kief tea, though.

Yeah, I can't lie, that tea was sick.

Shall we get some? Excuse me.

Hello, welcome.

Hi, do you have any kief tea, please?

Kief tea? How dare you ask for such thing?!

Illegal!

Illegal, illegal. You hear that?

-What's illegal? -The kief tea, bro.

The audacity.

So anyway, listen, me mum was like this.

-To the lord, yeah. -To the lord, cuz, yeah.

Yo, shall we put Rukyah on them?

Oi, oi, oi -- kief tea ingredients.

Cloves, apple spice, cinnamon…

and cannabis crystals.

Wasn't black magic. We were off our tits.

I still think we should do it to be safe.

Yo, I'm gonna go and check on that waitress

you lot just upset.

Nasty boys.

I'm the nasty boy? Why is his hands always wet?

He's had that problem since primary school.

Uh, I have a tiny penis and I live--

Bad words.

Fuck you, Emre. Sister fucker!

Mobeen, we have to talk.

I've got to go talk.

Let me see that.

It's weed, bro.

I mean, that's a relief, though, innit?

I have news on your sister's location.

Finally. Go on.

At seven tonight, you will get a phone call.

Answer it.

He will give you, only you, the address of where she is.

But remember, Mr. Mobeen,

if you don't kill Khan and we go back to Small Heath,

Hakan is going to kill you and everyone you love.

Better you have a plan when we go to the location for Mr. Khan.

Enough good time holiday, holiday times, we got to go.

Come on, Mobeen,

let's stay another half an hour, please, thank you.

Emre, one question.

When did you last have a holiday?

What?

Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

We went to a hammam, walked there via the Blue Mosque,

we bought sunglasses and hats, Shady went ice cream shopping

and now we're in a shisha lounge.

All to get a piece of information

you could have easily have got via text.

I'm gonna put it to you, Emre --

you've been deliberately delaying this information

so you can turn this trip into a glorified holiday.

I'm sorry.

Well, I've worked very hard and I'm very tired. Sorry.

Shaves and shaves and aftershaves,

and then I have to shave dick-dock.

You shave a dick-dock? What's a dick-dock?

-His ding-dong. -Not ding-dong, idiot, big dog.

How… -Why you say dick then?!

-No, I didn't say that. -Listen, while we're here,

I have to ask you about that rumour from back in the day

at Small Heath, about you giving people

fungicide infections in the arsehole.

-Yeah. -Um, come on.

I get the fungicide infection in the arseholes?

No, that's not true!

It's unbelievable.

Oh, it's Aqsa.

Come. -Let's go.

Uncle.

Oh, my God.

Shit reception, man.

Aqsa, where the hell have you been?

I know, Mobes. I know everything.

I know Khan used to run our Ends, Nida's his daughter

and they're after you!

Why didn't you say something, you idiot?

I was injecting this man.

I could have given this dangerous prick

a dangerous prick.

I'm not gonna encourage murder, am I?

Where are you?

Uh, I'm not sure. I know I'm somewhere in Turkey,

but they've taken my phone off me for ages.

And they've took my passports.

I'm worried they're gonna hurt me and that I'm…

Aqsa?

Aks? Let's go!

Oh, shit.

Come with me.

No, who the hell are you?

Come with me.

Whoa, chill! Relax.

Which way, sir?

This way, boys.

How's your holiday now, Emre? Sister fucker.

♪ Raise the roof is what we came to do ♪

♪ Blazin' through, blazin' through ♪

♪ Raise the roof is what we came to do ♪

♪ Blazin' through, blazin' through ♪

♪ Raise the roof is what we came to do ♪

♪ Attack mode, time to strike like a cobra ♪

♪ Poisonous venom into your system, killin' you slower ♪

♪ Blazin' through ♪

♪ My brother's keeper but I put my brother to sleep ♪

♪ If my brother try to creep up ♪

♪ You know me, son, show respect when I'm rockin the podium ♪