Original subtitles

You know, of all the weirdos on our large, green planet,

I never thought I was about to fly into danger

and die with this one.

If I'm flying into danger and dying,

I always thought it would be with these two.

Ah, there they are. My Nate and my Eight.

The greatest gift of friendship

little me could have ever prayed for.

Absolute fucking weirdos, the pair of 'em,

but they're my weirdos, innit?

He's not gonna make it on time.

He will. He always makes it on time.

He didn't make it on time last week.

-Oh, yeah. -Where is he?!

he's nearly here.

Trust us. -How do you know?

Because we can sense him.

If you're bullshitting me, I'll --

Maccy D's in the house, cuzzie.

Oi, oi, oi, there he is!

Call me, like, Pakistani Robin Hood from day one.

Hey, everyone, we've got the burgers.

Although, I did charge them for food with a markup,

so it was Robin Hood robbing the people in the hood.

Anyway, let's move on.

We were so worried about you.

, you two worry too much. I'm here.

Most importantly, I got the money, though.

Oi, Mobeen!

Remember, this is your first big test, little bro.

Meet me later at the spot, and don't look in the bag.

Got it?

I can't wait to have a moped.

Well, you can't have one unless you can spell it.

M-O-P-E-D-O.

-"Mopedo"? -What's in the bag?

-A dead cat. -Mobes.

I don't know. I'm not allowed to look

in the bag, it's a test. -Like GCSEs?

Whatever is in the bag, it don't matter.

I'm doing my job. -It doesn't sound good, Mobes.

Let me tell you what sounds good, cuzzie…

a Farouk's fried chicken burger.

Ah, it's worth the food poisoning.

Warm like a cow's boob.

Told you he was a weirdo.

1999, they were the days, man.

The biggest missions we had were not treading in dog

and making sure we had enough for a bag of chips.

Although, Eight did catch dermatitis off that sofa.

Serves him right for licking cushions.

Such a weirdo.

Yo, bro, do you think your mum will ever want to go back?

God forbid.

Mum said she's had it with London.

-Is London in England? -It's the capital of England.

So, are we still in England if we live in Birmingham?

You know, I don't think you even live on Earth, Eight.

Yeah, let me check for a brain, then.

Yeah, nothing.

Oh, listen, you know if we keep doing these little missions,

we'll be the king of Brum.

Oh, nah,

cos I don't want to make money doing dodgy stuff, Mobes.

It is what it is.

We can't get jobs at Blockbuster Video.

They rent rudey ones

at the back of the shop, you know.

What?! Nah, that's disgusting.

And I didn't know they sold them.

-You didn't know that? -Nah.

Liar. When I got my copy of "Free Willy" off you,

there wasn't a killer whale in sight.

That was artistic.

What time you going Mosque, Mobs?

7:00, bro. I didn't do my yesterday,

so today I got extra. -I didn't do mines neither.

Yeah, I were there when the Imam clubbed you

with that tube light. -Still got glass in my arse.

-Oh, a tube light? -Yeah, bro, like the WWF.

-It was wicked. -Mosque class sounds…

…really fun. -Yeah.

Mm. Nate knew not to question the mosque uncles in the '90s

living out their WrestleMania dreams on us.

You know, we didn't question the priest, did we?

Maybe we should have.

Maybe everybody should have questioned each other.

It would have saved a lot of people.

All right, listen, are we going yours?

Yeah, but…

you can't bring that bag to my mum's cos

nothing gets past her.

It's got to be Eight.

I'll tell him to go home and watch it.

-Allah! -Oye, get here.

Check it, check it, check it, check it.

I'm gonna give you this bag.

No matter what happens, don't look in this bag.

All right? -I understand, Mobeena.

The bag is important.

You can rely on me.

Brother, your yard's that way.

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Shit wheelie alert.

♪ Na na na, na na na na ♪

♪ Here comes the hotstepper ♪ -♪ Murderer ♪

♪ I'm the lyrical gangster ♪

Uppercut, hook, knockout.

Bro, the man like Naseem Hamed, he's fully on it, you know?

Oh, he's the best Muslim to ever live.

Yo, isn't that, um… Isn't that the Prophet?

You're right, you know.

Bro, but, you know, he came -- he came to the ring

on a flying carpet.

It's a bit -- bit racist, but…

Bro, you know your, um… your flat in London?

What was it like? -Flat? We had a house.

Proper lovely one, too, but…

it doesn't matter how nice your house is if it's a war zone,

you know what I mean?

Yeah. Tell me about it.

You know my mum can't even get a job

that pays enough for this place.

They pay way less in Brum than they do in London.

-That's disgusting, man. -Yeah.

Well, your mum is so…

-So what? -Oi, oi, oi, she's so hot.

She a bad mamacita, man.

Listen, I always fancied Nate's mum,

but I could -- I could never tell him

because that's immoral and he's my boy.

And in Punjabi, there's a specific term for that.

It's called.

And means mum shagger.

And I don't want to be a mum shagger,

unless it's Nate's mum.

So, brilliant. -Yeah.

She's a great mum. Great mum.

Yeah, so, um, how much did we make for the Maccy D's then?

-£23.56. -Oh, really?

Yeah, but we owe, uh, Fat Ishy money for the hamster

that we bought for Eight's birthday.

So, minus £1.75.

Oh, that's cheap for a hamster, don't you think?

Yeah, he stole it from Pets R Us.

But it did a massive in his pocket, bro.

He was quite happy to give it away, to be fair.

Do you think Eight will be all right with the bag?

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not opening you.

Right, that's it. We're going out.

Come on.

♪ Here's how it started, Just an example ♪

♪ Of how another brother can trample ♪

♪ Ruin your life, sleep with your wife ♪

♪ Watch your behind ♪

Nathaniel!

What are you doing?

Um… I-I… I was…

And hello, Mobeen, by the way.

Oh, that smile always melted me.

And it made me say very stupid things.

Uh, hell-hello Nate's, um, lovely, lovely, mum.

Told ya.

Stealing, Nathaniel? From your own mother?

No, we were trying to put money in your purse.

Ha! I could believe that of Mobeen, but not you.

Nate's mum was always so nice to me

and gave him nonstop grief.

But that's the end. Mums are the bosses.

It doesn't matter if you're Somali, Turkish, Nigerian,

one thing's guaranteed,

and that is your own mum gives you more shit

than anyone else on planet Earth.

Mum, I swear.

And you were just saying to Auntie Shabana

last night that things were tough,

so -- so I just thought that, you know --

That's none of your business. I handle these things.

Listen to me, stealing is very wrong.

Read your Bible or your Quran.

-Mum! -Enough! I'm talking.

Sorry for shouting, Mobeen.

-Oh, no, it's all right. -Now, listen, boys.

There's no excuse for getting into trouble.

All I need from you two is to be brothers to each other

and keep each other safe.

My family is yours, Mobeen.

Yes, Nate's lovely mum.

She's right. Brothers for life.

We're not real brothers, otherwise that would mean

that I fancied my own mum, and that is.

That is as gets.

Right! You have football in a bit.

Yeah. get up and be going.

-Yes, ma. -Don't be late home.

I love it when she shouts in Yoruba.

I swear down, man, in the multiverse somewhere,

I'm Nate's stepdad and me,

him, and his gorgeous mum all live happily ever after.

I still can't believe this is actually Eight's yard, you know.

No, man, his family are all bare clever.

Him and all his ten brothers and sisters.

-Ten? -Yeah, Auntie and Uncle

putting in the work, cuz.

Salaam, Six! -Paper beats rock.

Is, uh, Eight ready?

Bear with me, I'll have a check and double back imminently.

-No problem. -Why does he talk like that?

He went to Cambridge or Oxford or something.

Oh, so -- so he's the brown Carlton Banks.

I like that one, you know. It's a good one.

Yes, Five? -Hi, Mobeen, he's in his house.

Just knock on. -Safe.

Did Six change his shirt or something?

Oh, no, man, that's his twin brother, Five.

You know what? Come to think of it,

I don't think I've ever actually seen them together.

It's true.

Eight could have been his own mum for all we know.

And by "his house," they mean his garage.

That's right, they moved him out there a few years ago.

Just tell him why.

Cos I like living in the garage.

And?

And I set fire to the house last summer holidays,

trying to see if a microwave could shrink a hamster.

Like in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

-Well, did it? -No, he went to Allah instead.

Right, look, you've got the bag.

I know you've looked inside it, so where is it?

-I didn't look inside it. -I'm proud of you.

Well done.

-But I have lost it. -What?

It kept talking to me, so I had to take it out to shut it up.

We are still talking about a bag, yeah?

Yeah, everything talks to Eight.

Where is it? -Well, we went on the bus.

-We? -Me and the bag.

I got off the bus cos there was this fly, Gary.

So, I got distracted by him, and he flew out of the bus.

So, I followed him and he hit a windscreen and died.

Poor Gary.

Anyways, I was at another bus stop,

and when the bus came, I got on the bus and then I realised --

No, no, no.

So, you're telling me you left the bag at a bus stop?

Sorry.

I actually don't believe this kid, man.

I absolutely do believe this.

-What are we gonna do? -We have to go get it back.

I've got to give it in an hour.

-Let's go, then. Come on. -Aah…

Eight, what are you doing?

Making for Gary, the dead fly.

Brother, can you hurry up?!

♪ Express yourself ♪

An insect!

Look, I'm not saying Eight's thick,

but me and Nate once convinced him

that a Nissan Micra could get pregnant and he believed us.

Oh, he's so thick, man.

Rest in peace, that thick bastard!

♪ But my technique is very necessary ♪

♪ Blame it on Ice Cube ♪

We need that bag more than Eight needs

a brain transplant.

The Bomb Disposal Unit.

Bloody hell, we're lucky this was before 9/11, you know?

Otherwise, me, Eight, and Nate

would have ended up in Guantanamo Bay, cuz.

It's just some kid's drawing!

Wait.

So, inside the bag they gave you, the big test.

It was a kid's drawing.

What is it, mate?

That's not the bag you gave me.

-What? -That's my picture.

So -- So you're saying there's two bags?

Yeah, I made sure not to mix them up before I left the house,

but maybe…

You mixed them up before you left the house.

This guy is very clever, innit?

Right, uh, so, you left the other bag at home?

Yes, Mobeena.

Sorry, Mobeena. -Right, can we go?

Let's go. Come on. -Can we save my picture?

-No! -I slap you…

Keep up, we've only got 20 minutes to drop the bag off.

BMXs were actually an excellent way to travel,

you know.

-Oh, shit. -More like, "Oh, fuck."

Jesus Christ my Father in heaven.

Jesus ain't your father.

My father is my dad.

-Afternoon, boys. -All right?

Jesus ain't my dad.

Course he's not. Your dad's Asian.

And -- And Jesus is… is -- is white.

You know, with the… with the -- with the blonde hair

and -- and the blue eyes.

Anyways, we're gonna be late for footy, so…

Hold your horses there, boys.

The feds have been bullying working-class kids

in Brum since 1806.

Now, tell me something, boys.

Okay, I live in a garage with my dead hamster.

He died in a microwave.

-Don't worry about him. -I won't. Now…

We're doing stop-and-searches at the moment

because apparently some young'uns are doing drug carries

for some very naughty people round here.

Yeah, some very naughty people.

And we all know that the naughty ones around here

are either chocolatey brown…

or blackety black.

Now…

who's been doing carries for your uncle or cousin?

They're both the same person, aren't they, boys?

They used to talk to us like this all the time,

and it didn't get any better when we got older.

Oinky pricks.

Bag open. Now. -Get the bag open.

-Not so fast, bastard. -♪ La-da-da-da-dah ♪

-Yo, who's that? -A king --

the man, the myth, the moustache, Uncle Shady.

And let me tell you the legend out in these streets,

and he knows the law inside out,

unlike Officer and Officer.

Why are you stopping the children?

We're just trying to establish…

You are harassing the children.

No, no, no, we're not harassing the children.

-Are you feeling harassed? -I never felt anyone's arse.

Yeah, keep it like that, bastard.

Now you move on before I report you.

Report us for what?

Blankety blank, chocolatey brown.

These all sound racism to me. Now you fuck off.

Keep moving, keep moving, police bitches.

It -- It is an honour to meet you, Uncle Shady.

Yeah, it's my pleasure too. Only I can be racist to you.

Now I have saved you from police,

you have to mow my lawn from back to front.

-, Uncle. -Now you piss off from here.

You are always smell of shit.

Shady's always been a mad bastard,

but he's our mad bastard.

♪ Will the real Slim Shady please stand up ♪

♪ Please stand up, please stand up? ♪

♪ Cos I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady ♪

♪ All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating ♪

♪ So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up… ♪

We could have gone to prison.

Yeah, like that song, "Prison is a Dancer."

-It's rhythm. -Prison is a rhythm?

Don't think so, Mobeena.

Look, look, forget about all that.

Let's just chill.

We don't even know what's in here.

I don't want you doing anything like this again, Mobes.

Yeah, don't worry. We don't need money.

We can all live in my garage.

Do you realise how hard we have to work just for a decent job?

I mean, my auntie applied for a job at Woolworths,

and they took one look at the name on her CV

and they just went and chucked it in the bin.

And she's even got a degree.

Man, this one just smacked me in the tip of the.

Look, this is what most of us felt like being

in the ends at the time.

We had to work a million times harder,

but still never got out of the mud being legit.

We have to find another way.

We've got to. -What's a CV?

Don't worry, mate. You'll never need to know.

♪ There's a war goin' on outside no man is safe from ♪

♪ You could run, but you can't hide forever ♪

♪ From these streets that we done took ♪

Oi, oi, oi, Khan looking like

he's in a Bollywood version of "The Matrix."

Otherwise known as "The Matrix."

They probably actually call it "The Matrix."

Who's your favourite footballer ever?

-Ian Wright. -Wrong.

Ainsley Harriott.

Zinedine Zidane.

Bingo.

Smart lad.

There will never be a player better than Zizou.

Graceful…

powerful…

and a right nasty bastard.

Just like me.

Is he the one? -Ji, boss.

Bag.

You don't give it like that, you.

It's okay.

Relax.

So, you kept this safe for me all day, huh?

-Yeah. -You didn't open it once?

-No, no. -Sure?

and it kept talking to me.

Let's see, shall we?

Yeah, he had me running around

with high blood pressure at 15 years old for a tissue box.

Although, to be fair, this is not a normal tissue.

It was one that all the Asian aunties and uncles

used to put in the rear parcel shelf of their cars.

Legendary, historic,

but still a shitty tissue box at the end of the day.

You see, son, this is more than just a tissue box.

This is trust between me and you.

You see, trust is more important than all the money in the world.

So…

if you keep going like this,

you'll become someone I can really trust.

See you soon, son.

Where's he off to? I'll tell you.

To film "Matrix Reloaded."

Boy, them "Matrixes" were shit after the first one, innit?

-What just happened? -I don't know.

But it felt good.

♪ Now in my younger days I used to sport as sag ♪

Come on. I think we can smash these man.

We lost. 17 nil. Eight was in goal.

♪ Oh, how I wish I could hold her hand and give her a hug ♪

♪ She was married to the man, he was a thug ♪

♪ His name was Lee, he drove a Z ♪

♪ He'd pick her up from school promptly at 3:00 ♪

♪ I was on her jock, yes indeedy, I wrote graffiti… ♪

Yeah, there was always beef between my mum and my stepdad.

But one good thing did come out of those two --

my little sister.

It's okay, little Aks. I've got you.

Let's get you away from all of this.

Whew, she used to do some dirty, stinky nappies.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It could all be so simple ♪

Oh, Mobeen.

♪ But you'd rather make it hard ♪

Do you think you can show me how to change a nappy?

-Oh, Mobes. Shall I? -Yeah, go on, help him.

What did we say?

My family is your family.

Brothers for life, man. My real brother.

-Of course, man. -Such a cute baby.

-Oh, so beautiful. -Shall we bring it inside?

Nah, it's all right, I've got it, go on.

-Are you sure? -You said it, yeah, go on.

♪ To get some reciprocity ♪

♪ See, no one loves you more than me ♪

♪ More than me -- ♪

-What you doing here? -Brothers for life, fool.

And you know, my family is your family.

They are! Get in. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you too, son.

Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Get in here.

I couldn't let you dickheads go alone, could I?

Oooh! Oh, this is the greatest day of my life.

Come in here. Yeah, get your feet up, bro.

Make yourself comfortable.

-What are you lot doing here? -What are you doing here?

I'm going to Turkey cos it's

a great place to get a.

It is, but who told you that?

-I did. -What the hell?

Now we are preparing to take off.

So strap on, bastard. -Oh, Saj, I got your seatbelt.

-Thank you. -Mobeen, you sit near the wings

for weight distribution purposes.

Somebody ate too many biscuits.

I'm not gonna eat anything on the flight, so…