Original subtitles

What the hell is happening here?

Uh, noth-nothing… How are you?

Nothing to worry about.

There's plenty to worry about.

Like Mobeen's stolen cash from the Turks.

He's doing missions for Nida.

Oh, and he's ordered you a fake passport.

You said it all in one sentence.

You snitched me like that. -You ordered me a fake passport?

I never ordered you a fake passport.

Nida did that. She pressured me into it.

What's the name on it then?

International fraudster?

No. Do -- Does that sound very Nigerian to you?

Exactly.

You need your head testing Moonshine,

doing business with her.

I've got no choice.

She knows where Aqs is, and I don't.

It's usually a red flag for a business partner

if they had you stabbed.

I'm sick and you don't know what I've been through.

All night I've been crawling through Emre's back passage.

Me and uncle. And…

uh, his back passage is a hole in the floor,

not his actual… Fuck it.

It's always the same with you.

-What? -Every time.

♪ I, I-I-I get money, money I get ♪

-♪ I get, I get, I get ♪ -♪ 50 ♪

-♪ I get money, money I got ♪ -♪ I, I get it ♪

-♪ I get money, money I got ♪ -♪ I, I get it ♪

♪ I get money, money I got ♪

♪ Money, money I got ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Money, money I got ♪ -♪ I run New York! ♪

-♪ I, I get money, money I got ♪ -♪ I, I get it ♪

Bad news. Very bad news.

No more moustache wax.

£2. 3 million.

Hey, what?

Jesus Christ have mercy.

You could charter a private jet and save Aqsa.

Forget Aqsa. Let's leave tonight.

We'll go to Thailand, bro.

We'll buy, like, lions and tigers

and we'll have beautiful wives.

Focus lads.

Or we can do something good with the money.

Yes.

Helping a food bank.

That's it.

Fuck the food bank!

We are going to Marrakesh tonight.

We'll buy a riad and we'll have lovely wives.

You can have a wife too, you ain't even ever mentioned a woman.

Let me tell you two polyamorous plebs a story, right?

Is this story about us

all going to a sunny country and having wives?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexy.

I once nicked a lad named Sean McGinty.

Is he an Irish dude?

No, no, he was Somali.

Of course he was fucking Irish.

Sean came across two mil of dirty money, just like this.

Now poor Sean, him not being blessed

with the luck of the Irish soon found out well,

he can't spend that cash anywhere.

Right. He bought three cars for cash.

then went around clearing all his debts

with the Turks and the Irish.

Not sensible.

He should have just invested it all in the ISAs.

The terrorist organisation?

Independent saving accounts.

ISAs. -Oh, ISAs.

We nicked him just before the Turks

were about to set him on fire for passing them cash

that hadn't been washed.

That's why this cash is in Emre's basement.

It's no use to anyone till it's been washed.

It's not.

What you're saying is…

I should wash the money. I swear you're clever.

-That's not what I'm saying. -I'm not doing this.

I'll wash it. No, Mobes, you don't get it.

I'm, I'm not doing this. -What are you not doing, huh?

It's just trouble after trouble with you.

You know what? I'm out.

I'm out. -Out where?

-Bye. -I'm with Nate, Mobeen.

Respects.

What the hell, bro?

Let's go to Thailand.

There's so many puss-puss over there.

No.

If you want.

What happens in Thailand stays in Thailand.

Huh, what?

That's right, that's right.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-Bad Boy. -♪ Don't go, don't go ♪

-You can keep these. -Nate, come on, baby.

I've followed you into dramas my whole life.

And where's it got me?

Prison.

And this weird sexually aggressive house.

I mean, I don't mind that innit, but.

My bro, I pinky promise you, man,

I ain't gonna get you involved in anything else, please.

That's not the point though, is it?

Look… me, you, this…

…it's done.

Where you even gonna go?

Barney's.

Who is Barney?

Harper.

Harper's name is Barney Harper?

Eww!

That's two points off the sexy meter right there.

You're gonna go live with Harper then?

Barney.

Mate.

Had a little tiff with your boyfriend?

It's alright, you know.

I'll make us new cups.

Sajid and Mobeeno forever.

Fuck that guy.

He made me that in prison, you pimp!

Don't worry, Mobeeno.

You'll never be alone while I'm here.

♪ Ang ♪

♪ Angel ♪

Hey.

What's wrong?

I'm Mr. Fucking Furious.

And I'm Mr. Mobeenis.

What happened to your hand?

The bloody dog bit me. Forget my hand.

Some bastard robbed my basement.

Did they?

I will be in big trouble with Hakan

if I can't find out who took it.

Who's Hakan? I never heard of him.

Who's that? -It's my boss.

His favourite hobby is killing people who lose his money.

-Is it? -Yeah.

Any other favourite hobbies?

Setting fire to people who steal his money.

I'm ruined.

I'm ruined.

Hang on.

What about the little man?

-Saj? -Little man, Saj.

He was pestering me to put up a poster for his new business.

-Was he? -So, he's out of work,

needs money, and he is an ex-copper.

You can't trust them lot.

Incredible logic.

I will give him a free haircut.

People tell their barber everything.

You're pointing the finger at Saj?

-Yeah. -Yes you are.

I am fingering Sajid.

Don't say that.

Oh, sorry, you're right.

We are fingering Sajid together.

-No, we're not. -We're agreed.

We are fingering Sajid together.

Bro, keep-keep the noise down, keep the noise down.

We are fingering Sajid together!

We're not… we're not doing that.

-Hahaha! -We're not doing that. Okay.

Haha, don't worry, we're not. -Neighbours!

We are fingering Sajid together. -Don't listen to him. Sorry.

That isn't true.

We are fingering Sajid together.

Hehehe!

♪ Check it out now ♪

200K.

Ah, you smell that?

I love the smell of money…

even more than you love me.

I have a lukewarm attraction to you at best.

This is gonna hit Hakan where it really hurts

and show him I'm not a woman to fuck with.

Good luck with that.

So, you didn't have a problem in getting it then?

I had loads of problems, but it's here, ain't it?

Give me my passport.

You'll have 'em in a day or two.

The deal was, as soon as you get the cash,

I'll get the passports now give me it.

A couple of days.

The guy hasn't got back to me yet.

Is it?

The same guy that used to get back to your papa

quick as possible, yeah?

-Stop it. -Oi-oi-oi-oi-oi, I swear.

Makes sense though, cause your dad, pssh,

he was real gravy, bro.

You, you're just gravy granules.

I've got important business to deal with.

So, if you two pricks don't mind.

She's got a nail appointment.

-Is it? -Look, what is wrong with you?

Have you got goats balls for brains?

You should be taking care of business

instead of running off for a mani pedi.

What you gonna do? You gonna call papa?

Papa, I'm struggling so much.

I'm finding it so… -You know you.

You are a pussy hole like your brother.

-Say my brother's name. -Yeah?

I don't care if you're my cousin.

-Well, come on. -I will bang you up!

I don't care if you're my cousin!

-That's it. Get out! -Come on.

Get out my sight!

Not nice.

Hot, but not nice.

Bro. -What?

Do I look like a pussy hole?

-No, you don't. -What is her problem?

Listen to me bro. The roads is tough.

You can't be letting her get to you like this,

cuz, calm down, bro.

Firms it my bro. Calm down. Yeah?

-Yeah. -Good? That's it.

Okay, you're good. You're good.

I need you to do something for me, okay?

What, what?

I need you to ask that weird uncle of yours

if he's got any more of that moustache wax

he's been shotting.

Why? You haven't even got a mucho?

It means a lot to me.

Naveed used to wear it.

That's how we ID'd his body.

It dripped down his gilet when his head…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Shh-shh.

So, you're unemployed, but you can afford new haircuts, yes?

You just said it was on you.

Plus, I save money by living at my mum's.

So, you need money, that's what you are telling me?

It's not easy.

I do the cooking, the cleaning,

the fucking washing.

Have you ever waxed your own mum's back?

You cannot throw me off the scent.

The trick is ghee instead of wax.

Otherwise, mum says the stubble comes back too quick.

Okay, okay, okay.

Alright, alright, alright.

You must know about robbery being an ex-police copper.

But sometimes when I go out

I can still smell the scent of mum on me.

I would say it's from handling her clothes and bedding so much.

It's a powerful aroma.

Floral, but also…

…meaty.

Do not cry, you.

Do not cry, you.

Don't cry.

And where were you last night?

Waiting for mum to come to bed, mainly.

Bro, the way she behaves around Mobeen, it's just creepy.

I was gonna chat to Nate about it,

but he was out all night.

Nate wasn't home last night?

No, and then this morning

he packed his bags and left in a hurry.

Forget haircut.

I have things to do.

You can go and cry about your mom

trying to bong Mobeen's penis.

Oi! Dickhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't actually really need a shave if I'm being honest.

I won't take no for an answer.

And why would anyone turn down a free shave

unless you have something to hide?

What? No.

Because if you have something to hide,

you can leave right now!

No, I'll stay.

Bloody dog.

I have to use my left hand now.

I can get very clumsy with my left hand.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Did you hear there was a robbery of my basement?

Yes, no, I-I mean, I-I-I don't know.

If you saw anything…

Me? No, nothing.

Nobody. No.

-Aah! -Sorry.

Bloody left hand. Nate.

Why are you so sweating big man?

I'm just thinking about the generational trauma

of the black man in the west.

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh. That's it.

That's it. That's it, boy. You'll feel better.

I'm not going to do anymore beating around anymore bushes.

So…

…what… -Aah.

-…do… -Aah.

-…you… -Aah.

…know?

-I -- -Aah!

-Tugay, you stop it, dog! -Aah!

-Tugay! Get out Tugay! -Aah!

-Leave him! -Tugay, beautiful dog.

-Your shave is over. -Aah!

I need to deal with this.

Can't have another court case.

What? I've only got half a shave.

This man will only have half a penis if you don't hurry up.

Go on! Piss off! -Okay, that's enough.

♪ I had this bad chick uptown ♪

♪ She was -- ♪

♪ Had me messed up in the head ♪

♪ I mean -- ♪

♪ Bought the chick diamonds and pearls ♪

♪ I mean -- ♪

♪ Shoulda seen the ice shinin' on her wrists…♪

These biscuits got gelatine in?

-No. -Let me finish this pack then.

-What are you doing here? -I just came to help out.

Oh, by eating all the biscuits, yeah?

I have to stop ruining your life.

I have to stop ruining our lives, bro.

I'm sorry.

We're in this forever, innit?

-Forever. -Yeah.

Aww, you boys are lovely.

Don't act like you don't want to get involved in it, come on.

-Come on, get involved. -Come on.

What happened to your face?

Oh, Emre, he's a crazy nut, he is.

-By God, he's crazy. -Yeah.

By God, he's crazy.

We're not open, mate.

Jerry.

Salaam there, boys.

Shall we just go and have a chat?

Shh.

Just tell me where our money is.

What money?

There's cash to be washed.

And your favourite money washing machine is here

to do a spin cycle.

I thought you were here for the love of chai.

What is it? A couple of mil?

I could wash that in…

let me see…

three weeks.

And I'll take my commission

and give you a mil back ready to spend.

Jerry, let's walk and talk.

Chop fucking chop before your pals here

end up getting buried after your Friday prayers.

Do you know it was the Irish

who gave you lot a chance around here.

My dad rented out houses to you

when the British wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire.

So, get me the money and do as you're told.

Your dad used to rent out houses a very long time ago.

And this paki doesn't take orders anymore.

Oh, there he is now, the big man.

It's good to see you've got some nasty bastard in you.

Like Mobeen said,

we ain't fucking doing it, Jerry.

Save your fucking breath,

you are doing it, and I'll tell you why.

I've got CCTV all over this place,

and I've got hours and hours

of lovely footage of Mr. Harper and Mr. Nate

handling boxes full of millions of pounds in stolen cash.

So, unless you want me to turn that over

and give it to your friends in the cop shop,

you're gonna do exactly what I want.

Or…

I tell the Turks

you stole their money.

There'll be someone around later to pick up the funds.

Stay lucky, lads.

Are you actually serious?

You say you're not gonna drag me into another madness,

and you put me in business with that psycho.

Look, just get out here before I say something I'm gonna regret.

-Nate, man, let me just… -Get the fuck out of here!

-Harp… -Just leave now, Mobes.

I think it's time I got a haircut.

♪ It ain't safe for the block, not even for the cops ♪

♪ It ain't safe for the block, not even for the cops ♪

♪ It ain't safe for the block… ♪

I'm a idiot. I've ruined everything.

My brothers hate me, man.

My -- my little sister, I still need to get to her.

Uncle, what should I do?

I can help you with that bastard.

-How? How? -I have a friend

who owns a plane in Coventry Airfield.

You got a friend who owns an aeroplane in Coventry Airfield,

and you never told me this whole time.

You could have…

Can I say one more thing?

Alright, go on.

The moustache is very sexy.

I know, everybody want to have shagging with me.

Let's fuck on from here. -Let's fuck on.

-Hey. -Stop! Not the dog.

Good boy, good boy.

He's beautiful.

Yeah, like I said, I've got no idea, mate.

I'm as angry as you are.

It's a right pain in the arse, isn't it, boy?

Come here. -Whole thing's bloody bullshit.

Things have gone missing from my basement.

Yeah, so I hear.

Yeah, worst of all,

Irish Jerry keeps telling us he's gonna put

a couple of million through the chai shop to wash.

-What? -I know.

Where d'you even get that kind of money?

Proper pain in the arse.

Forget the haircut.

I need to speak to that Irish bastard tap dancey man.

Mission accomplished, boy.

♪ Yeah ♪

-Here you go. -About flipping time.

Now you and your BFF can go save your shit doctor sister.

-♪ It starts one oh one ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

Fakhar Khan and Ola Akintola.

Excellent. Where is she then?

-Istanbul. -Are you taking the mick?

Istanbul's a very big place. Where specifically?

Well, as my bold papa likes to fondly remind me,

he doesn't answer to me so I can't help you.

-Unlucky. -Listen, cuz!

Look what I found.

How's it gonna feel getting blasted by your own strap?

You want to talk about my brother, yeah?

My family.

Fuck you and your entire lineage, you bitch!

These are my ends.

I'll kill you and your bloodclart dad.

Mobeen, get out the way!

-Iqbal! Iqbal! Iqbal! -Move!

Don't take tension. Don't do this, cuz, okay?

Don't do tension.

What I been saying to you, bro?

Yeah?

Big Iqbal.

Big Ickie.

I'm big Iqbal.

Yeah.

Okay. You're bigger than this.

Chill with it, bro.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

You're good.

-Such a pussy boy. -Why d'you have to say that?

That's it!

Oh shit!

Shit!

Two times.

Twice…

I'm going to Istanbul. Don't call me.

Iqbal is dead!

♪ Yo, microphone check ♪

Come on Nate, one last trip. Fuck's sake.

♪ The five foot assassin with the roughneck business ♪

This is Nate's phone…

♪ Got more rhymes than the Winans got family ♪

♪ No need to sweat Arsenio to gain some type of fame ♪

♪ No shame in my game cause I'll always be the same ♪

Hey! Harper!

♪ I sport New Balance sneakers to avoid a narrow path ♪

♪ Mess around with this you catch a size eight up your -- ♪

♪ I never half-step cause I'm not a half-stepper ♪

♪ Drink a lot of soda so they call me Dr. Pepper ♪

Uncle Shady airfield.

♪ Your name ain't Special Ed ♪

♪ So won't you seckle with the mission ♪

♪ I never walk the street thinking it's all about me ♪

♪ Even though deep in my heart, it really could be ♪

♪ I just try… ♪

You're dead, man, Mr. Mobeenis.

Hakan is coming for you.

Oh, shit.

This is Nate's phone.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Nate, listen to me, bro.

I'm sorry, my bro, for everything.

For all the times I dragged you

into this fucking shit life, man.

No matter how bad it got you was always there, my bro,

and I need you now.

I need you, bro.

I can't go the same way as Eight, man.

I still dream about him most nights, like fuck,

man, couldn't escape this, man.

Can any of us?

Call me, bro.

Open the trunk.

Hakan, who told you I took the money?

Cause they're lying, Hakan.

-This twat. -This twat?!

You're the fucking twat!

The thing is someone comes to this Jerry boy with dirty money,

he did what any one of us will do and try to wash it.

I really respect him.

I really do. -Respect is good.

That's what makes it so difficult.

Oh, shit! Jerry is dead!

Sorry tap dancey man.

You steal my money.

I steal your life.

Look at me, Hakan, please.

For Allah's sake, listen to me. I'm a good man.

Ask Emre, I've known him a long time.

He's been cutting my hair since I was 10 years old.

Sorry, Mobeen.

Sorry what?

Shit.

Hakan, listen to me.

Listen to me.

If you let me live here today…

I will kill Khan for you.

-What? -I will kill Khan for you.

I swear by Allah, I'll kill Khan.

He's dead you get a bigger slice of the pie.

It's the… it's the smart thing to do.

Be smart, please.

How could I know I can trust you?

You… to be fair, you don't.

I've been out here stealing your money.

I understand how you feel about me.

But listen.

You send him with me.

-What? -Yes.

You have a deal, huh?

Have a deal?

Bless!

Thank you. Thank you.

Shit.

If…

you don't kill Khan…

we will kill you and everyone you love.

Deal, Mobeenis?

Deal.

Deal.

Now what, huh?

Good job.

Fuckin' hell.

You were nearly dead, man.

You shitting in your pants?

I shit myself a little bit.

Give me this.

I nearly had a heart attack, man!

You kiss his hand.

And you know Jerry's the second person I seen die today.

So, where the fuck is this aeroplane?!