Original subtitles

Khan, the man who had eight murdered.

You do is you're told.

My nephew will be your new shadow.

How's it gonna feel getting blasted by your own strap?

I'm not a joke now, am I, Mobeen?

I am the number one barber in this small heath.

No, I am the number one in the hall.

You love me, and that's not a problem.

Just let it happen.

Mobeen, bastard Deen.

Do you still share a bunk bed with your mum?

-No! -Oooh, wow.

-I'm on the top bunk now. -Masha Allah, big man!

I'm here undercover as a prison officer.

Chamomile.

Ginseng. It's extremely cleansing.

Yes!

What would you do for your family?

'Cause me, I'd do anything for my dad.

-Who's her dad? -Oh, God, no, no, no.

Her dad is Khan. -Come here!

You will never threaten my family again!

Mobeen, you just made this personal, yah.

Nida's got me a proper placement.

Tell him where it is. Sharjah, in the UAE.

Her brother and I are old friends.

This is what happens to heroes, brother.

You know, you didn't even cry

this much when I almost died, you know that?

Shit.

Can you keep it to a quiet?

Can you keep it to a quiet?

Let me tell you something right now.

I got stabbed three weeks ago, I'm still in remission.

Remission is for cancer.

But getting stabbed is way more traumatic than getting cancer.

Excuse me. Can you lot keep it down, please?

Show some respect for Bilal.

Sorry. I need to find my ticket guy.

Oh, gosh. Why can't you buy your

airplane ticket on the Internet like a normal person?

Because he gets discount,

and you know what I'm like when it comes to discounts.

I'm brown as fuck.

Oh, my…hello? You can't say that here.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I seek forgiveness from Allah. May Allah have mercy on me.

Well, at least you can get to the UAE and save Aqsa.

-Yeah. -Right! That's enough!

My brother has just passed, and you're yapping on!

Sister, I don't know if anybody told you,

but I was stabbed three weeks ago.

I'm still currently in remission.

It's emotional remission.

That's what I'm missing out. I'm recovering.

Have you ever been stabbed? Exactly!

His hand is in my pocket!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think he had rigor mortis, you know?

His lulu was poking in my back. Why was you crying so much?

You know, Bilal showed me the true power of chai.

You know, full body, so sensual, so aromatic.

You sound like you're trying to shag the chai right now.

Chill out. -I'm just happy I finally know

what I'm gonna do in my life.

Open my own chai shop. It's so good to be free.

You know what you should call it?

Chai Haus, but like they spell it in Germany.

I'll leave you with that.

Chai Haus, but how they spell it in Germany.

You magnificent fat fuck.

One plane ticket to the UAE.

You know, the Celts believed in another worldly realm.

The house of the dark one.

Where all the dead souls gathered.

I always thought that'd be a great name for a pub

with a good Guinness.

The House of the Dark One. -Sounds a bit racist.

Ah, I'm only messing with you, Mobeen.

As long as me and you

are standing up to Farage and Robinson,

shovelling their furnaces, we'll be grand.

Yeah, I can get with that, Jerry.

I can get with that.

Nate, Jerry, Jerry, Nate.

Incredible local businessman.

-Oh, stop. -Nice to meet you, Jerry.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Uh, yeah, he's a big fan of chai.

You got a couple of chai shops, haven't you?

They call me Mr. Tea. Not with the chains, you know?

Like the lover and connoisseur of the delicious hot beverage.

Anyway, uh, we've got to be at…

My ol' granny used to say, "Life is like a cup of tea.

It's all in how you make it." I love that woman.

Even if she did hit me with a crowbar every Sunday after mass.

-Sounds a bit aggressive. -Hey, not at all.

In fact, if you ask me, it's missing from society.

So, how about me and you,

uh, we go find a couple of teenagers

to headbutt in memory of… let's go.

Aah, excuse me. Can you please…

No, Nate, listen. Yeah, two businessmen

are talking so you can, you know, scram.

Ah, such a shame Bilal had the accident, wasn't it?

Yeah. Terrible, terrible accident.

Yeah.

How would you feel about taking it over?

Sorry?

I was the main investor in Bilal's place,

and I'd like it to go to another tea man.

What do you say?

I mean, it would be an honour, Jerry.

I'm sure we have to fill out some forms or something, but…

No, no, no forms. Forms are too fancy.

Just let's keep it simple. You know where it is.

And there's loads of stock in the basement,

so you're good to go, son.

Oh, my gosh. Don't know what to say.

Just say thank you.

And I'll pop in every now and again to say hello.

-Thanks. -This is gonna be brilliant.

Chai-chai. -Chai-chai.

Thank you, God, for this beautiful day.

I can't believe it…argh!

♪ Stop, drop, shut 'em down, open up shop ♪

♪ Oh, no

I mean, he's laughing at my brother's graveside.

I mean, who comes to a funeral and starts laughing?

Why are you hiding, bastard?

Oh, unbelievable.

I suggest you turn around before I break your dick.

Yeah, you heard me. You're still standing there?

Stop it!

Just get away from here, bastard.

-Thank you, Uncle. -Don't touch it.

-What you doing? -Paying my respect.

By stealing dhal?

That's what Bilal would have wanted.

He hated dhal. -He did.

Listen, I have to ask you something, tittyman.

-Yeah? -Something that will

change your shit life.

You marry my daughter. -Sorry?

I have some land in Pakistan. I want to get it back,

but my bastard brother won't let me unless, uh, she get married.

Your daughter? Leila, she is a…

-What? -Very beautiful human being.

Like you.

Yeah, I have £20,000 to give to someone who marry my daughter.

And I want it to be you because you are just like my son,

with big tits.

-But, but this is huge. -Yeah. Just like your bosom.

Let me just think about it, okay uncle?

But thank you for thinking of me like your son.

Just calm down, calm down.

Hey, you alright?

I don't have time for chocolate gays. Get away from me.

Hey, man, listen.

I'm about to head to the airport.

You know you can come. Come on Burj Khalifa!

Save Aqsa. But Burj Khalifa.

I would love to, but, you know,

somebody hooked me up with a new business partner.

So, no can do. -Who, who, who?

-You hooked me up with Jerry. -What?

Jerry's my business partner now.

Okay. Hey, what's wrong? Aren't you happy for me?

Oh…I'm always happy for you. Come here, man.

Congratulations. Okay. I'll see you when I get back.

Yeah, um, don't die.

Don't die.

Inshallah. Inshallah, say inshallah.

Inshallah.

See you on the other side, bruv.

-Don't die. -Why do you keep saying that?

Heya!

I take no pleasure in this,

but as somebody who carries authority,

I'm afraid I can't let you use this ticket.

You know what the miracle is here?

You even reached that ticket.

Huh? You and your mum been attending extra sessions

at the trampoline park?

Piss off! We're members

so we can use as many sessions as we like.

-Sick though. -What?

The jump, sick.

-Is it? -Got speed, bro.

Say the way you jump it there, that's like sick vertical.

Show me again. -Is it sick, yeah?

I've been training. -Good, show me, show me,

show me one more time. -Okay, this is how I do it.

Okay. -Okay, go on, go on, go on.

-Three, two, one… -Yeah, yeah.

Piss off, will ya?

You take the piss out of me all you like,

but you ain't flying anywhere.

You were discharged from Belmarsh,

where you got me got fired from,

before finishing your sentence,

which means you're still on licence.

And you can't leave the country if you're still your licence.

Especially when you're living under my roof.

You're mum's roof.

The only way you're getting out here is with a fake passport.

-Yes. -No.

-What a good idea. -No, I didn't say that.

No, that's not my idea. -Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

He said I need a fake passport,

and I need to get my money back from Jerry.

Every day, I swear by Allah, you sister fucker,

Why you calling me a sister fucker?

Both of you, sister fuckers!

Right, will you bloody donkeys shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

I've got to go…go see Jerry.

Don't go see Jerry.

-I'm very disappointed in you. -Get out.

'Cause I need the dodgy passport now.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Could I get the money back?

Oh, oh, you mean Jerry's money back guarantee?

If that's what you want to call it.

Come here, come, come here.

Not a fucking chance.

Just ask your man there.

Stay lucky, Mobeen.

Wakey wakey, Keenan and Kel.

Prison was actually less prison-y than this.

Oi. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit this morning.

Mum's snoring kept me up all night.

Calm down, Stuart Little.

Just 'cause I'm little, yeah, don't mean I can't mash you up.

Bro, the only mashing up going on is him and your mama.

-Ta-ta-ta. -No, Nate, stop saying that.

-Ooh-la-laa. -There you are,

my little Saji-saurus, there's my baby.

-Thank you, mommy. -Your clothes.

Oh, and how are you today, my big T-Rex?

-I'm okay, auntie. -No, mom, do you have to?

Have you brushed your teeth?

Your breath smells like gooch in the morning.

Now get out, out, out, and stay out!

-I'll come with you, Saj. -No, you won't!

Where are you going? Stay here.

Now, little man, a little bird tells me you have

some money troubles going on, hm?

Who doesn't? Everybody needs money.

Inflation is just going up style,

and the cost of living is going up.

I can give you money, as much money as you like

whenever you like, however you like.

Because we are friends, right?

I scratch your arsehole, you scratch mine.

That's not the saying.

There's nobody scratching arseholes in that.

It doesn't matter what the saying is.

Understand? I want what I want, and I want you! You! Understand?

Mom! I've got loose motion again!

But…you stay right there? I'm coming.

-Do it. -I'm not gonna do it.

I'll do it.

Shall I tell you the truth, though?

I've got a trouser movement.

-Fuck it. -Stop it.

♪ Leave me alone ♪

Okay, so let's establish this.

Yeah, we have school uniform, police uniform,

prison officer uniform, brother, yeah?

This is the first time I've seen you wear your own clothes

and let me tell you, they're shit.

Correction, the clothes his mummy picked out for him.

Mum only chooses my outerwear.

I always choose my own underwear.

Well, we hope you're enjoying your big boy pants.

I am. Nice and loose.

Ah, can you smell that?

-What is it? -The fresh scent of freedom.

Smells more like tempering and diabetes to me.

Can't even fucking smell diabetes.

You're such a bad vibe.

Do me a favour. Piss off, will ya?

Piss off, would ya! Piss off, would ya.

Oh, lor…

Don't keep your eyes shut around here,

or you'll get wet up.

I'll wet your mum up, how 'bout that?

Chill, chill, you've got enough mums to wet up at the moment.

-It's true. -Mum's dead.

I'm glad, to be honest with ya.

Carry on like that, and you'll get wet up for real, uncle.

Who you calling uncle? My tits are wet!

O Your sister's pussy.

What the shit is going on round here?

-Bro, it's chaos out here. -Salaam, Emre.

Salaam, my brother.

These ends are on their bloody knees.

The Khans think they run them, the Irish think they run them.

We need my people in charge.

The Turkish people are always calm.

-Emre! -What?!

Youssouf, I have very important appointment right now.

It's business!

Shut the fuck up and continue your fucking job!

Go on! Arsehole!

Where is my bloody money, Mobeen?

-Are you joking right now? -For your last trim in 2020.

Brother, it's been four years.

I've been in prison, man. Can't you let me off?

Do I look like a standing up comedian?

I promise you I'm gonna get you the money.

Can you fit him in for a trim? -Yeah, of course.

Child's haircut is cheaper obviously.

Come on, little boy.

-I'm 36! -36 inches tall.

Come on. You want a lolly, little one? Huh?

Piss off, Emre.

Are you even in the country legally?

Look, here's my plan, yeah.

You give me six months, and I'll be your chai shop partner.

-It's a shit plan. -Not a shit plan!

No, I don't want to hear it, man.

I don't understand, like, can't you just get over it?

Brother, you don't need Jerry, man. I'll do it with you.

Just be happy for me for once, Mobeen.

I am happy for you.

It's Aks. Hey, baby girl.

-Hey. -How are ya?

I'm alright, but I still can't believe you got stabbed.

Tell me who done it so I can send 'em flowers.

Knife crime is not funny. Why you laughing?

Why are you laughing, bro? I can see you.

-Sorry. -Alright, Nate.

How's life on the outside?

At least you don't have to share a bunk bed with Mobeen.

I actually still do.

But I'm opening a chai shop.

-You get discount obvs. -Obvs.

How are they treating you over there, kid?

I love it. It's better than shit weather, shit wages,

and shitty racists shouting at me in the A&E.

-Yeah. -Fair.

Mobs, this is my boss, Mr. Khan,

the one I was telling you about.

Mr. Khan, this is my brother Mobeen,

and that's my Uncle Nate. -Oh, nice to meet you both.

Your sister is a very talented physician.

You taking care of her, yeah?

Absolutely, Mobeen.

She's a wonderful new addition to the organisation.

Now, I don't mean to be rude,

but, uh, we have to prepare for a meeting.

See you soon. Mobes. Love you.

Love you.

Love you, kid.

I know.

I need a fake passport, and there's only one guy

who can help us.

What the hell have you done to yourself?

Harps?

Just leave me alone.

Oh, God.

Oh, did he just take that biscuit from his pubes?

Don't eat pube biscuits.

Your sisters!

You know what this needs?

-The almighty? -That's correct.

Yeah.

Listen to us. You are our brother.

You handsome, dishevelled wanker, yeah?

You're a man of integrity, and you're a man of honour,

and just -- you did get me stabbed,

but that's a separate thing at the moment, okay?

-Yeah. -You're a good, good man.

So, rise, rise!

-He's not rising. -He's not rising.

Also, it smells like shit in here, man.

-Urgh. -Just leave me alone, Moonwatch.

Do you know what this situation needs?

-Empathy. -Mnh-mnh.

-Courage. -No.

-Self-love. -No.

-What? -Chai.

Oh, God.

Lovely chai.

I fucked it. That's why they sacked me.

What do you mean? You're a brilliant police officer.

I got sent into prison to get info.

Got zero info, and my mark got stabbed.

-My name's Mobeen. -Who's Mark?

Me…I think.

Who the fuck is Mark? Is he alright?

-For fuck's sake, Mobeen. -Look.

If I needed a fake passport, how much?

About seven bags.

But if you've got a record, you need a decent one,

or else they'll smell a rat.

They'll just start using facial recognition checks,

and then you're screwed.

Bro, I hate it out here, man.

I love prison, and I nearly got killed in prison.

My fault.

Well, the decision has been made.

Either I marry Shady's daughter, or I crash Saj's mum.

Time to meet my future wife.

It smells of shit in here.

You really need to train your dog.

I haven't got a dog.

Interesting. Looks like we keep an eye on Mobeen

and my new chai shop friend.

Spending time around a copper's place is bad for business.

♪ Miss, if you got a bumper, then twerk it ♪

♪ Miss, if you got a bumper, then shake it ♪

♪ If you want a baby, let's make it ♪

♪ First step, room, next step, get naked ♪

-Salaam, my brothers, you okay? -Mobs, what's up?

-You alright, bro, yeah? -Yeah, could, uh --

could I possibly have a table for two please?

-Are you booked in? -Nothing available, bro, sorry.

-Nothing? -Fully booked for about a month.

-For a month you said? -You've not booked, no?

-Table for two, bastards. -Yes. Oh, yes, yes, sorry.

-Come through. -Hello, ladies.

Whose house is it?

Look after my daughter, bastard.

♪ I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side ♪

♪ Stayin' alive was no jive ♪

Incoming.

♪ Moms bounced on old men ♪

♪ So then we moved to Shaolin land ♪

♪ A young youth, yo rockin' the gold tooth, 'Lo goose ♪

♪ Only way, I begin to gee off was drug loot ♪

Hi, Mobes, are you alright?

-I'm okay. -Here's some menus for you guys.

Help me. Help me.

Did you say…?

Ready to order?

Yes, yes, brother, thank you for coming.

Um, could I please have a… uh, one Bombay Badboy.

-One Bombay Badboy. -Thank you, brother.

And for yourself?

Can you warm these up for me please?

Is that dhal from Bilal's funeral?

I don't know. My father gave them to me…

I don't ask questions, okay?

It's from Bilal's funeral.

Yeah, well. Now bastard.

Go, go, go quickly.

Thank you. -Oh, thank you.

Looks amazing.

Thank you so much, cheers.

Shall we just get down to the big business? Yeah?

-Yes, yeah. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Alright.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm happy to go along with this sham marriage,

but on one condition.

Yeah? Yeah? -Okay.

All I ask from a husband is loyalty.

Like, are you listening?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah?

Did you, did you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

'Cause the, the presence of other women in our marriage

it will make me look like a mug.

And I'm not having that, titsy.

Oh, they're so big. -Alright.

You should check your oestrogen levels.

I-I'll get it checked. Thank you. Yes.

Yeah, okay.

Can… -Whoo-hoo.

Can I trust you, Mobeen?

Can I trust you?

-With what? -Life, life partner.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh, yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Okay, let's, um, let's, uh, let's do this,

um, this marriage of, um, financial convenience.

Mubarak. Alright, okay.

Where shall we -- where shall we go on honeymoon?

Oh, shit! -Man like Mobeen.

I've been looking for you.

♪ 1, 6, 9 ♪

Oh, up your sisters.

♪ 18 hunna for the new rusty ♪

♪ Man grab it and kick it like rugby ♪

♪ I was in the T house, head back dusty ♪

♪ Still waking up to nudes in country ♪

♪ Four and a half in the bando ♪

♪ Profit oh, so lovely ♪

♪ My little bro shitted out the pack and flushed it ♪

♪ Tell me how he could be so clumsy? ♪

♪ These bad b's coming to the niz ♪

♪ They don't really love me, but they love me ♪

♪ From qway, been doing up opportunities ♪

♪ Yeah, swear man down more sales than Gumtree ♪

♪ If I get me that drop, it won't be nuttin' like Humptys ♪

♪ Backdoor bus, we could get dumpy ♪

♪ These opps can't never get comfy ♪