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1
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,240
Khan, the man who
had eight murdered.
2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,280
You do is you're told.
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,280
My nephew will be your new shadow.
4
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,440
How's it gonna feel getting
blasted by your own strap?
5
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,160
I'm not a joke now, am I, Mobeen?
6
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,800
I am the number one
barber in this small heath.
7
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:17,520
No, I am the number one
in the hall.
8
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,400
You love me,
and that's not a problem.
9
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,640
Just let it happen.
10
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,040
Mobeen, bastard Deen.
11
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,200
Do you still share
a bunk bed with your mum?
12
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:26,920
-No!
-Oooh, wow.
13
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,680
-I'm on the top bunk now.
-Masha Allah, big man!
14
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,960
I'm here undercover
as a prison officer.
15
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,120
Chamomile.
16
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,320
Ginseng.
It's extremely cleansing.
17
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,080
Yes!
18
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,680
What would you do for your family?
19
00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,480
'Cause me,
I'd do anything for my dad.
20
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,280
-Who's her dad?
-Oh, God, no, no, no.
21
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,880
Her dad is Khan.
-Come here!
22
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,120
You will never threaten
my family again!
23
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,120
Mobeen, you just made
this personal, yah.
24
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,560
Nida's got me a proper placement.
25
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,760
Tell him where it is.
Sharjah, in the UAE.
26
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,920
Her brother and I are old friends.
27
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,200
This is what happens to
heroes, brother.
28
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,160
You know, you didn't even cry
29
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,120
this much when I almost died,
you know that?
30
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,680
Shit.
31
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,080
Can you keep it to a quiet?
32
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,960
Can you keep it to a quiet?
33
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,680
Let me tell you something
right now.
34
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,200
I got stabbed three weeks ago,
I'm still in remission.
35
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,280
Remission is for cancer.
36
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,960
But getting stabbed is way more
traumatic than getting cancer.
37
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,480
Excuse me. Can you lot keep it
down, please?
38
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,680
Show some respect for Bilal.
39
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,000
Sorry.
I need to find my ticket guy.
40
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,080
Oh, gosh.
Why can't you buy your
41
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,520
airplane ticket on the Internet
like a normal person?
42
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,320
Because he gets discount,
43
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,600
and you know what I'm like
when it comes to discounts.
44
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,040
I'm brown as fuck.
45
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,880
Oh, my…hello?
You can't say that here.
46
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,560
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
47
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,440
I seek forgiveness from Allah.
May Allah have mercy on me.
48
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,880
Well, at least you can get to
the UAE and save Aqsa.
49
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,400
-Yeah.
-Right! That's enough!
50
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:17,040
My brother has just passed,
and you're yapping on!
51
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,600
Sister, I don't know
if anybody told you,
52
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,040
but I was stabbed three weeks ago.
53
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,720
I'm still currently in remission.
54
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,560
It's emotional remission.
55
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:24,840
That's what I'm missing out.
I'm recovering.
56
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,880
Have you ever been stabbed?
Exactly!
57
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,560
His hand is in my pocket!
58
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,360
I'm so sorry for your loss.
59
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,600
I think he had rigor mortis,
you know?
60
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,800
His lulu was poking in my back.
Why was you crying so much?
61
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,200
You know, Bilal showed me
the true power of chai.
62
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,880
You know, full body,
so sensual, so aromatic.
63
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,360
You sound like you're trying
to shag the chai right now.
64
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,000
Chill out.
-I'm just happy I finally know
65
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,720
what I'm gonna do in my life.
66
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,280
Open my own chai shop.
It's so good to be free.
67
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,920
You know what you should call it?
68
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,600
Chai Haus, but like
they spell it in Germany.
69
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,360
I'll leave you with that.
70
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,480
Chai Haus, but how
they spell it in Germany.
71
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,960
You magnificent fat fuck.
72
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,200
One plane ticket to the UAE.
73
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,920
You know, the Celts believed in
another worldly realm.
74
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,160
The house of the dark one.
75
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,280
Where all the dead souls gathered.
76
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,360
I always thought
that'd be a great name for a pub
77
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:32,880
with a good Guinness.
78
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,000
The House of the Dark One.
-Sounds a bit racist.
79
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,880
Ah, I'm only messing
with you, Mobeen.
80
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,320
As long as me and you
81
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,240
are standing up
to Farage and Robinson,
82
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,960
shovelling their furnaces,
we'll be grand.
83
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,960
Yeah, I can get with that, Jerry.
84
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,280
I can get with that.
85
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,400
Nate, Jerry, Jerry, Nate.
86
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,960
Incredible local businessman.
87
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,960
-Oh, stop.
-Nice to meet you, Jerry.
88
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,680
Pleasure. Pleasure.
89
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,240
Uh, yeah, he's a big fan of chai.
90
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,080
You got a couple of chai shops,
haven't you?
91
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,240
They call me Mr. Tea.
Not with the chains, you know?
92
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,200
Like the lover and connoisseur
of the delicious hot beverage.
93
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,120
Anyway, uh, we've got to be at…
94
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,160
My ol' granny used to say,
"Life is like a cup of tea.
95
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,240
It's all in how you make it."
I love that woman.
96
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,360
Even if she did hit me with a
crowbar every Sunday after mass.
97
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,520
-Sounds a bit aggressive.
-Hey, not at all.
98
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,040
In fact, if you ask me,
it's missing from society.
99
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,600
So, how about me and you,
100
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,040
uh, we go find a couple
of teenagers
101
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,600
to headbutt in memory of…
let's go.
102
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,000
Aah, excuse me.
Can you please…
103
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,040
No, Nate, listen.
Yeah, two businessmen
104
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,680
are talking
so you can, you know, scram.
105
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,000
Ah, such a shame Bilal had
the accident, wasn't it?
106
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,640
Yeah. Terrible, terrible accident.
107
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,520
Yeah.
108
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,760
How would you feel
about taking it over?
109
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,440
Sorry?
110
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,360
I was the main investor
in Bilal's place,
111
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,600
and I'd like it
to go to another tea man.
112
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,200
What do you say?
113
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,560
I mean, it would
be an honour, Jerry.
114
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,240
I'm sure we have to fill out
some forms or something, but…
115
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,880
No, no, no forms.
Forms are too fancy.
116
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,480
Just let's keep it simple.
You know where it is.
117
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,400
And there's loads of stock
in the basement,
118
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,720
so you're good to go, son.
119
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,640
Oh, my gosh.
Don't know what to say.
120
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,480
Just say thank you.
121
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,160
And I'll pop in every now
and again to say hello.
122
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,560
-Thanks.
-This is gonna be brilliant.
123
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,320
Chai-chai.
-Chai-chai.
124
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,200
Thank you, God,
for this beautiful day.
125
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,480
I can't believe it…argh!
126
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,720
♪ Stop, drop, shut 'em down,
open up shop ♪
127
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,040
♪ Oh, no
128
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,480
I mean, he's laughing at
my brother's graveside.
129
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,080
I mean, who comes to a funeral
and starts laughing?
130
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,360
Why are you hiding, bastard?
131
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,320
Oh, unbelievable.
132
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,200
I suggest you turn around
before I break your dick.
133
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,200
Yeah, you heard me.
You're still standing there?
134
00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,680
Stop it!
135
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,800
Just get away from here, bastard.
136
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,920
-Thank you, Uncle.
-Don't touch it.
137
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,640
-What you doing?
-Paying my respect.
138
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,320
By stealing dhal?
139
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,760
That's what Bilal
would have wanted.
140
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,520
He hated dhal.
-He did.
141
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,840
Listen, I have to ask
you something, tittyman.
142
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,120
-Yeah?
-Something that will
143
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,760
change your shit life.
144
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,640
You marry my daughter.
-Sorry?
145
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,680
I have some land in Pakistan.
I want to get it back,
146
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:34,400
but my bastard brother won't let
me unless, uh, she get married.
147
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:38,000
Your daughter?
Leila, she is a…
148
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,440
-What?
-Very beautiful human being.
149
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,200
Like you.
150
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,800
Yeah, I have £20,000 to give to
someone who marry my daughter.
151
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:49,560
And I want it to be you because
you are just like my son,
152
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,480
with big tits.
153
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,920
-But, but this is huge.
-Yeah. Just like your bosom.
154
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,000
Let me just think about it,
okay uncle?
155
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,120
But thank you for thinking of me
like your son.
156
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,320
Just calm down, calm down.
157
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,440
Hey, you alright?
158
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,520
I don't have time for chocolate
gays. Get away from me.
159
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,320
Hey, man, listen.
160
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,280
I'm about to head to the airport.
161
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,800
You know you can come.
Come on Burj Khalifa!
162
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,480
Save Aqsa.
But Burj Khalifa.
163
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,640
I would love to, but, you know,
164
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,760
somebody hooked me up
with a new business partner.
165
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,800
So, no can do.
-Who, who, who?
166
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,760
-You hooked me up with Jerry.
-What?
167
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,120
Jerry's my business partner now.
168
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,080
Okay. Hey, what's wrong?
Aren't you happy for me?
169
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,240
Oh…I'm always happy for you.
Come here, man.
170
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,000
Congratulations. Okay.
I'll see you when I get back.
171
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,040
Yeah, um, don't die.
172
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,840
Don't die.
173
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,760
Inshallah. Inshallah,
say inshallah.
174
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,320
Inshallah.
175
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,400
See you on the other side, bruv.
176
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,920
-Don't die.
-Why do you keep saying that?
177
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,360
Heya!
178
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,840
I take no pleasure in this,
179
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,360
but as somebody
who carries authority,
180
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,480
I'm afraid I can't let
you use this ticket.
181
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,080
You know what the miracle is here?
182
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,800
You even reached that ticket.
183
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,640
Huh? You and your mum
been attending extra sessions
184
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:25,800
at the trampoline park?
185
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,080
Piss off!
We're members
186
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,000
so we can use
as many sessions as we like.
187
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,080
-Sick though.
-What?
188
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,120
The jump, sick.
189
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,280
-Is it?
-Got speed, bro.
190
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,040
Say the way you jump it there,
that's like sick vertical.
191
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,440
Show me again.
-Is it sick, yeah?
192
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,160
I've been training.
-Good, show me, show me,
193
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,560
show me one more time.
-Okay, this is how I do it.
194
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,000
Okay.
-Okay, go on, go on, go on.
195
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,040
-Three, two, one…
-Yeah, yeah.
196
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,560
Piss off, will ya?
197
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,200
You take the piss out of me
all you like,
198
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,000
but you ain't flying anywhere.
199
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,200
You were discharged from Belmarsh,
200
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,200
where you got me got fired from,
201
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,240
before finishing your sentence,
202
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,640
which means you're still
on licence.
203
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,080
And you can't leave the country
if you're still your licence.
204
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,240
Especially when you're living
under my roof.
205
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,920
You're mum's roof.
206
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,600
The only way you're getting out
here is with a fake passport.
207
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,520
-Yes.
-No.
208
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,240
-What a good idea.
-No, I didn't say that.
209
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,080
No, that's not my idea.
-Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?
210
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,560
He said I need a fake passport,
211
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,240
and I need to get
my money back from Jerry.
212
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,160
Every day, I swear by Allah,
you sister fucker,
213
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,880
Why you calling me a sister fucker?
214
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,360
Both of you, sister fuckers!
215
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,880
Right, will you bloody
donkeys shut up!
216
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,920
Shut the fuck up!
217
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,760
I've got to go…go see Jerry.
218
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,680
Don't go see Jerry.
219
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,920
-I'm very disappointed in you.
-Get out.
220
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,440
'Cause I need
the dodgy passport now.
221
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,200
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Could I get the money back?
222
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:47,120
Oh, oh, you mean
Jerry's money back guarantee?
223
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,760
If that's what you want to call it.
224
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,640
Come here, come, come here.
225
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:54,640
Not a fucking chance.
226
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,600
Just ask your man there.
227
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,920
Stay lucky, Mobeen.
228
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,800
Wakey wakey, Keenan and Kel.
229
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,120
Prison was actually
less prison-y than this.
230
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,080
Oi. I'm not in the mood
for your bullshit this morning.
231
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,400
Mum's snoring kept me up all night.
232
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,400
Calm down, Stuart Little.
233
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,840
Just 'cause I'm little, yeah,
don't mean I can't mash you up.
234
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,720
Bro, the only mashing up
going on is him and your mama.
235
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,360
-Ta-ta-ta.
-No, Nate, stop saying that.
236
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,400
-Ooh-la-laa.
-There you are,
237
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,840
my little Saji-saurus,
there's my baby.
238
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,160
-Thank you, mommy.
-Your clothes.
239
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,120
Oh, and how are you
today, my big T-Rex?
240
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,240
-I'm okay, auntie.
-No, mom, do you have to?
241
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,240
Have you brushed your teeth?
242
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,080
Your breath smells like gooch
in the morning.
243
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,080
Now get out, out,
out, and stay out!
244
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,760
-I'll come with you, Saj.
-No, you won't!
245
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,120
Where are you going? Stay here.
246
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,080
Now, little man,
a little bird tells me you have
247
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,000
some money troubles going on, hm?
248
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,560
Who doesn't?
Everybody needs money.
249
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,160
Inflation is just going up style,
250
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,920
and the cost of living is going up.
251
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,960
I can give you money,
as much money as you like
252
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,720
whenever you like,
however you like.
253
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,680
Because we are friends, right?
254
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,200
I scratch your arsehole,
you scratch mine.
255
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,000
That's not the saying.
256
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,640
There's nobody scratching
arseholes in that.
257
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,080
It doesn't matter what
the saying is.
258
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:47,600
Understand? I want what I want,
and I want you! You! Understand?
259
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,320
Mom!
I've got loose motion again!
260
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,120
But…you stay right there?
I'm coming.
261
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,600
-Do it.
-I'm not gonna do it.
262
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:55,880
I'll do it.
263
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,320
Shall I tell you the truth, though?
264
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,560
I've got a trouser movement.
265
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,960
-Fuck it.
-Stop it.
266
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,720
♪ Leave me alone ♪
267
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,840
Okay, so let's establish this.
268
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,720
Yeah, we have
school uniform, police uniform,
269
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,240
prison officer uniform,
brother, yeah?
270
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,080
This is the first time I've
seen you wear your own clothes
271
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,920
and let me tell you, they're shit.
272
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,080
Correction, the clothes
his mummy picked out for him.
273
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,440
Mum only chooses my outerwear.
274
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,440
I always choose my own underwear.
275
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,480
Well, we hope you're
enjoying your big boy pants.
276
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,000
I am. Nice and loose.
277
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,760
Ah, can you smell that?
278
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,160
-What is it?
-The fresh scent of freedom.
279
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,280
Smells more like tempering
and diabetes to me.
280
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,760
Can't even fucking smell diabetes.
281
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,160
You're such a bad vibe.
282
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,840
Do me a favour.
Piss off, will ya?
283
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,120
Piss off, would ya!
Piss off, would ya.
284
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,080
Oh, lor…
285
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:46,440
Don't keep your eyes shut
around here,
286
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,760
or you'll get wet up.
287
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,480
I'll wet your mum up,
how 'bout that?
288
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,040
Chill, chill, you've got enough
mums to wet up at the moment.
289
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,680
-It's true.
-Mum's dead.
290
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,960
I'm glad, to be honest with ya.
291
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,720
Carry on like that, and you'll
get wet up for real, uncle.
292
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,560
Who you calling uncle?
My tits are wet!
293
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,200
O Your sister's pussy.
294
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,960
What the shit is
going on round here?
295
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,920
-Bro, it's chaos out here.
-Salaam, Emre.
296
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,760
Salaam, my brother.
297
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,640
These ends are
on their bloody knees.
298
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,440
The Khans think they run them,
the Irish think they run them.
299
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,600
We need my people in charge.
300
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,680
The Turkish people are always calm.
301
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,400
-Emre!
-What?!
302
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,720
Youssouf, I have very
important appointment right now.
303
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,320
It's business!
304
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,080
Shut the fuck up
and continue your fucking job!
305
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,120
Go on! Arsehole!
306
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,920
Where is my bloody money,
Mobeen?
307
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,920
-Are you joking right now?
-For your last trim in 2020.
308
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,600
Brother, it's been four years.
309
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,320
I've been in prison, man.
Can't you let me off?
310
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,200
Do I look like
a standing up comedian?
311
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,920
I promise you I'm gonna
get you the money.
312
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,200
Can you fit him in for a trim?
-Yeah, of course.
313
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,320
Child's haircut is
cheaper obviously.
314
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,720
Come on, little boy.
315
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:51,240
-I'm 36!
-36 inches tall.
316
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,120
Come on. You want a lolly,
little one? Huh?
317
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,600
Piss off, Emre.
318
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,520
Are you even
in the country legally?
319
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,640
Look, here's my plan, yeah.
320
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,720
You give me six months, and
I'll be your chai shop partner.
321
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,960
-It's a shit plan.
-Not a shit plan!
322
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,600
No, I don't want to hear it, man.
323
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,320
I don't understand, like,
can't you just get over it?
324
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,240
Brother, you don't need
Jerry, man. I'll do it with you.
325
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,960
Just be happy
for me for once, Mobeen.
326
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,400
I am happy for you.
327
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,120
It's Aks. Hey, baby girl.
328
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,200
-Hey.
-How are ya?
329
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,560
I'm alright, but I still
can't believe you got stabbed.
330
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,360
Tell me who done it
so I can send 'em flowers.
331
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,240
Knife crime is not funny.
Why you laughing?
332
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,040
Why are you laughing, bro?
I can see you.
333
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,680
-Sorry.
-Alright, Nate.
334
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,320
How's life on the outside?
335
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,600
At least you don't have to share
a bunk bed with Mobeen.
336
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:33,960
I actually still do.
337
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,880
But I'm opening a chai shop.
338
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,400
-You get discount obvs.
-Obvs.
339
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,200
How are they treating you
over there, kid?
340
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,160
I love it. It's better than
shit weather, shit wages,
341
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,840
and shitty racists shouting
at me in the A&E.
342
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,840
-Yeah.
-Fair.
343
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,040
Mobs, this is my boss, Mr. Khan,
344
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,960
the one I was telling you about.
345
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,600
Mr. Khan,
this is my brother Mobeen,
346
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,200
and that's my Uncle Nate.
-Oh, nice to meet you both.
347
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,920
Your sister is a
very talented physician.
348
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,880
You taking care of her, yeah?
349
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,560
Absolutely, Mobeen.
350
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,920
She's a wonderful new addition
to the organisation.
351
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,520
Now, I don't mean to be rude,
352
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,920
but, uh, we have to prepare
for a meeting.
353
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,400
See you soon. Mobes.
Love you.
354
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,960
Love you.
355
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,800
Love you, kid.
356
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,440
I know.
357
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,760
I need a fake passport,
and there's only one guy
358
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,480
who can help us.
359
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,600
What the hell
have you done to yourself?
360
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,240
Harps?
361
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,920
Just leave me alone.
362
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,160
Oh, God.
363
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,640
Oh, did he just take
that biscuit from his pubes?
364
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,560
Don't eat pube biscuits.
365
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,760
Your sisters!
366
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,920
You know what this needs?
367
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,600
-The almighty?
-That's correct.
368
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,280
Yeah.
369
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,600
Listen to us.
You are our brother.
370
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,760
You handsome,
dishevelled wanker, yeah?
371
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,880
You're a man of integrity,
and you're a man of honour,
372
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,440
and just --
you did get me stabbed,
373
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,200
but that's a separate thing
at the moment, okay?
374
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,920
-Yeah.
-You're a good, good man.
375
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,440
So, rise, rise!
376
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,640
-He's not rising.
-He's not rising.
377
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,480
Also, it smells like shit
in here, man.
378
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:32,080
-Urgh.
-Just leave me alone, Moonwatch.
379
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,040
Do you know what
this situation needs?
380
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,680
-Empathy.
-Mnh-mnh.
381
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,040
-Courage.
-No.
382
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,800
-Self-love.
-No.
383
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,400
-What?
-Chai.
384
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,800
Oh, God.
385
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:51,520
Lovely chai.
386
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,320
I fucked it.
That's why they sacked me.
387
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,520
What do you mean? You're
a brilliant police officer.
388
00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,000
I got sent into prison to get info.
389
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,000
Got zero info,
and my mark got stabbed.
390
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,600
-My name's Mobeen.
-Who's Mark?
391
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,040
Me…I think.
392
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,360
Who the fuck is Mark?
Is he alright?
393
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,400
-For fuck's sake, Mobeen.
-Look.
394
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,880
If I needed a fake passport,
how much?
395
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,840
About seven bags.
396
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,960
But if you've got a record,
you need a decent one,
397
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,640
or else they'll smell a rat.
398
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,520
They'll just start
using facial recognition checks,
399
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,680
and then you're screwed.
400
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,560
Bro, I hate it out here, man.
401
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,960
I love prison, and I nearly got
killed in prison.
402
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,960
My fault.
403
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,800
Well, the decision has been made.
404
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,440
Either I marry Shady's daughter,
or I crash Saj's mum.
405
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,360
Time to meet my future wife.
406
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,800
It smells of shit in here.
407
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,480
You really need to train your dog.
408
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,520
I haven't got a dog.
409
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,320
Interesting. Looks like we keep
an eye on Mobeen
410
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,720
and my new chai shop friend.
411
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,360
Spending time around a copper's
place is bad for business.
412
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,400
♪ Miss, if you got a bumper,
then twerk it ♪
413
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:11,200
♪ Miss, if you got a bumper,
then shake it ♪
414
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,120
♪ If you want a baby,
let's make it ♪
415
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,640
♪ First step, room, next step,
get naked ♪
416
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,520
-Salaam, my brothers, you okay?
-Mobs, what's up?
417
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,480
-You alright, bro, yeah?
-Yeah, could, uh --
418
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,280
could I possibly have
a table for two please?
419
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,280
-Are you booked in?
-Nothing available, bro, sorry.
420
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,080
-Nothing?
-Fully booked for about a month.
421
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,560
-For a month you said?
-You've not booked, no?
422
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,520
-Table for two, bastards.
-Yes. Oh, yes, yes, sorry.
423
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,400
-Come through.
-Hello, ladies.
424
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,400
Whose house is it?
425
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,840
Look after my daughter, bastard.
426
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,880
♪ I grew up on the crime side,
the New York Times side ♪
427
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,600
♪ Stayin' alive was no jive ♪
428
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:43,800
Incoming.
429
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,560
♪ Moms bounced on old men ♪
430
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,600
♪ So then we moved
to Shaolin land ♪
431
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,680
♪ A young youth, yo rockin'
the gold tooth, 'Lo goose ♪
432
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,400
♪ Only way, I begin to gee off
was drug loot ♪
433
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,960
Hi, Mobes, are you alright?
434
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,280
-I'm okay.
-Here's some menus for you guys.
435
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,600
Help me. Help me.
436
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,400
Did you say…?
437
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,120
Ready to order?
438
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,520
Yes, yes, brother, thank you
for coming.
439
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,720
Um, could I please have a…
uh, one Bombay Badboy.
440
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,160
-One Bombay Badboy.
-Thank you, brother.
441
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,400
And for yourself?
442
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,280
Can you warm
these up for me please?
443
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,880
Is that dhal from
Bilal's funeral?
444
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,400
I don't know.
My father gave them to me…
445
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,760
I don't ask questions, okay?
446
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,480
It's from Bilal's funeral.
447
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,680
Yeah, well. Now bastard.
448
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,520
Go, go, go quickly.
449
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,160
Thank you.
-Oh, thank you.
450
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,200
Looks amazing.
451
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,080
Thank you so much, cheers.
452
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,480
Shall we just get down
to the big business? Yeah?
453
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,680
-Yes, yeah.
-Yeah?
454
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,440
-Yeah.
-Alright.
455
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:37,360
I'm -- I'm -- I'm happy to go
along with this sham marriage,
456
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,840
but on one condition.
457
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,360
Yeah? Yeah?
-Okay.
458
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,720
All I ask from a husband
is loyalty.
459
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,040
Like, are you listening?
460
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,040
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
461
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,360
Did you, did you hear me?
462
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,520
Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.
463
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,440
'Cause the, the presence of
other women in our marriage
464
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,800
it will make me look like a mug.
465
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,280
And I'm not having that, titsy.
466
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,120
Oh, they're so big.
-Alright.
467
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,400
You should check
your oestrogen levels.
468
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,720
I-I'll get it checked.
Thank you. Yes.
469
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,440
Yeah, okay.
470
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,280
Can…
-Whoo-hoo.
471
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,360
Can I trust you, Mobeen?
472
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,200
Can I trust you?
473
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,560
-With what?
-Life, life partner.
474
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:25,480
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huh, yeah.
475
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,640
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
476
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,640
Okay, let's, um, let's,
uh, let's do this,
477
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,840
um, this marriage of,
um, financial convenience.
478
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:40,400
Mubarak.
Alright, okay.
479
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,680
Where shall we --
where shall we go on honeymoon?
480
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,080
Oh, shit!
-Man like Mobeen.
481
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,960
I've been looking for you.
482
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,960
♪ 1, 6, 9 ♪
483
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,640
Oh, up your sisters.
484
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,480
♪ 18 hunna for the new rusty ♪
485
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,280
♪ Man grab it
and kick it like rugby ♪
486
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,760
♪ I was in the T house,
head back dusty ♪
487
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,560
♪ Still waking up
to nudes in country ♪
488
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,200
♪ Four and a half in the bando ♪
489
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,920
♪ Profit oh, so lovely ♪
490
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,680
♪ My little bro shitted out
the pack and flushed it ♪
491
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,280
♪ Tell me how he could
be so clumsy? ♪
492
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,920
♪ These bad b's coming to the niz ♪
493
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,560
♪ They don't really love me,
but they love me ♪
494
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,200
♪ From qway, been
doing up opportunities ♪
495
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,080
♪ Yeah, swear man down
more sales than Gumtree ♪
496
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,560
♪ If I get me that drop, it
won't be nuttin' like Humptys ♪
497
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,680
♪ Backdoor bus,
we could get dumpy ♪
498
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,840
♪ These opps can't
never get comfy ♪
37424
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